Sorry about this, but I well and truly hate Kristine Kochanski… so I wrote this poem. I hope you enjoy it… I know I do. ;) You can thank Sunrise over the tango factory for this really lol, whoo! Finally some inspiration!
Disclaimer: I do not own Kristine Kochanski. I would hate to. In fact, I'm trying to stop myself jumping out of a window at the very thought. Or wait… maybe she could jump out a window… I don't own red dwarf either, just out of your interest.
Ahem… Kochanski fans please do not read this! I apologise for it sincerely… ish… or not at all.
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Kristine Kochanski,
Was out one day,
In her faithful old ship,
She was flying away,
Along came a meteor,
Of the rather ugly sort,
Which crashed into the cockpit,
Like one of Lister's toe warts,
When he's tried to clip it off,
With some BBQ tongs,
And it sails through the air,
Smacking Rimmer's head like a gong,
Anyway, enough about them,
Kristine has to steal the limelight,
She's obviously better,
Having been on the show for such a short amount of time, and stealing another actress' place, but getting the same screen time, when we'd all rather be watching the good old red dwarf crew, without her and her smelly cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! Go away! Leave the show! No one likes you! … Oops, got carried away. Back to the rhyming!
Kristine was lying,
Like a stale beer omelette on the floor,
But she soon got up, (not wanting to mess up her hair)
And ran over to the door,
But unfortunately,
For our precious Kristine,
She was wearing her old jumpsuit,
All red and pristine,
A fire broke out randomly, (must have not liked her bad fashion sense)
As she tried to get free,
And the red plastic sizzled,
And went all hot and gooey,
Ha! That would surely teach her,
To wear a jumpsuit,
That looks like it had just come down the,
'I'm a hoar' reject chute,
The fire better not have,
Harmed her wonderful cottage cheese!
She legged it to the storeroom,
With a huff, puff and a wheeze,
And there was the pot of cottage cheese,
Perfectly unharmed,
With great big lumps of pineapple,
As big as her palm,
"Oh thank god!" she said,
Eating it with grace,
Then realising no one was around,
And stuffing her face,
Was the poor dear choking?
How awfully funny!
On a pineapple chunk too?
Oh the irony!
And so,
I'm not very sad to say,
That Kristine Kochanski,
Died that day,
She choked upon,
Her much-loved nibble,
But at least she didn't get shot,
By Mr Flibble,
…….
Oh wait, I forgot,
Yes she did!
Mr Flibble came aboard,
And silently hid,
Then he promptly shot her,
In the back,
Just after she choked,
On favourite snack,
Then Lister appeared,
Out of thin air,
Said 'I don't love you Kochanski,
You hurt me and have hair,
In places I've never,
Even dreamed about!
I'm just well and truly over you,
You big pouting trout!'
Then came a big ship,
Bursting with GELFs,
They smashed down her vessel,
With cheers of bad health,
She tumbled from the sky,
The stupid old cow,
Oh well, never mind,
At least she's dead now!
…….
…….
Am I even allowed to post this? Sorry if I'm not, I couldn't help myself.