Magical Mischief

Disclaimer:Anything you recognize belongs to JKR, not me or Fiona. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Sociopath

Written by awindowtothepast

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (if you traveled the muggle way; by broom or apparation, it wasn't too bad) lived a magical being known as Merlin. Merlin had many talents, which included but was not limited to creating and casting spells, flying on his broom, making potions, and colouring. Yes, Merlin could colour inside the lines, and had been able to since the tender age of three.

Merlin had long white and a big long beard, as it was the style of powerful and scary wizards everywhere at the time. His eyes were pale blue (though he could change them at will), and resting his rather crooked nose were big round glasses. Merlin wore a billowing royal blue cloak,a matching pointed hat (that he occasionally played lawn darts with) and huge black boots, made of pleather, that would scream whenever a muggle tried to put them on.

That's right; Merlin had big feet. You know how the rest goes.

But Merlin had a deep, dark secret that not too many people knew about: Merlin was somewhat of a sociopath. Every two or three months, Merlin would leave the comfortable, modest castle he lived in and would kidnap an infant from the nearby village. He would then cook the baby by frying it in oil (even though he had an unreasonably high cholesterol level) and eat it. His therapist was trying to get him to break the habit, but had so far been unsuccessful. Merlin blamed it on karma.

One day, Merlin was walking outside, scoping out the village for newborns, when he felt something kick in his stomach. 'Ugh, I'd better lay off the sauce," Merlin thought, before he promptly felt sick. He bent over the path he was walking on and retched until his stomach was empty. Merlin wiped his face, thinking that throwing up was Unpleasant, and heard a cry.

On the path, naked and screaming, lay a bile-covered little girl.

'Oh, my!. My therapist's right, I really shouldn't eat children.'

The girl had a little tuft of jet-black hair on the top of her head, and sparkling brown eyes. Merlin remembered this particular child. He had picked her up off of a windowsill where her mother had left her to cool. Merlin had been extremely and had eaten the girl less than an hour later, not even remembering to cook her.

'This child must truly be special,' Merlin decided, 'for having lived for long in my tummy. But what to do with her?'

Merlin looked down at the screaming infant on the ground. He could eat her again, but now she was covered in dirt and didn't look too appetizing. He could always just throw her out, but that wouldn't sit too well with Merlin's conscience, as he was big on recycling. Merlin sighed. What to do?

After much thought, in which Merlin weighed the pros and cons before breaking to have a round of lawn darts, he decided that the baby would come back to his castle and he would raise her as his own.

First, Merlin named the girl. She needed a special name, so it took him a while (as Merlin had never been that good with names- in the little bit of fiction he wrote, he always named his characters Bill, Ted, Mary, or Tracy). Finally, after many sleepless nights, Merlin gave the child the name Rowena Ravenclaw.

After naming the little darling, Merlin started chamber pot-training her, realizing immediately that he didn't like diapers, and couldn't really afford them on his salary anyway. Rowena proved to be a fast learner, mastering the chamber pot in two weeks, and soon Merlin moved on to the magic of in-line colouring.

What a mistake that turned out to be.

Final word count: 630

AN: This is a challenge fic between me and my good (and best) friend, Sylvie (Sexi Silver on I write the even chapters, and she writes the odd. The rules, if anyone wants to know, are:

-no slash

-must be written as a parody

-each chapter must be up within 14 days of the last

-each chapter must be at least 500 words, not including author's notes.

I realize that it's going to get annoying, switching between each fic to get the whole 'story', so I'm going to ask Fiona if I can post her chapters with mine, in order, on my LJ. Anyway, please review, but no flames.

I'm a fermata; hold me.
Jibs