Embracing His True Self

Chapter 25

Harry ran as fast as he could, probably looking like a bat out of hell, not that he cared truly. He just wanted to get to his dorm, and use that time getting there to try and exhaust himself enough that his magic wouldn't explode because of his feelings. Even Occlumency wasn't helping his state right now, oh he'd known most of the things Dumbledore had done to him, and he wasn't by any means stupid. He had also read the will and known, but until it was said out loud his anger had been just simmering under the surface just looking for a reason to come out. The will reading and the fact the goblins had said the damned words out loud had obviously been the straw that broke the camels back.

His legs began to strain as he made his way up the stairs, level after level not even bothering to stop - not even when his breath was coming out in pants. He only skidded to a stop and almost bowled over, hands on his knees he rasped out the password, his voice coming out weird due to his inability to breathe normally. The portrait opened, and Harry weakly and on shaking legs stumbled into the common room, using everything he could get his hands on to help keep himself upright, perhaps it hadn't been the best idea, but his magic was no longer feeling ready to explode any given moment.

The stairs he went up this time, he went up one at a time, pausing briefly to inhale sharply and breathe out, and then taking another step until eventually he was on the landing to the dorms. Opening the door to his dorm, glad to see it was completely empty, which of course it would be, nobody spent their weekend in the dorm. Closing the door behind him, he gratefully sat down his entire body sagging in relief at the respite.

Before his body could stiffen completely, he summoned Sirius' mirror, and put a muffling spell around his bed, it was much better than a silencing spell. Well, of course it was, people can read your lips under a silencing spell, but Muffliato was full proof. "Sirius," Harry murmured, his breathing was now getting back to some semblance of normality. His screen glowed blue indicating that the mirror had alerted Sirius that he wanted him in the second mirror he had.

A frown began to appear on his face as the seconds ticked by; he couldn't say he was overly surprised. Sirius was probably going nuts right about now if Remus had already told him. Considering how furious Remus had been, there was no way he had subtlety told him. Nor was he probably able to calm him down, he would just have to wait until Sirius calmed marginally and remembered the mirror. It would be beside him, of that Harry had no doubt, he'd probably been waiting on him coming back from the will reading but Remus will have thrown that in a loop.

Laying the mirror on the middle of his bed, Harry reluctantly got up and moved over to the table in the corner of the room against the wall containing glasses and a large pitcher of water. Pouring himself one, he downed it in a two gulps before pouring himself another before replacing the pitcher and going back to his bed. His parched throat sated temporarily, idly wondering if Umbridge had had a second 'episode' yet. He had made it so it was completely random so nobody could be accused of doing it to her. He rather hoped not to miss an episode, but he didn't want to risk having it activate with his own magic so he'd made it random.

Drinking the glass he absently levitated it back to its spot, trying to decide on what book to read since he had time to pass - which wasn't true as at that moment Sirius' face appeared on the mirror, and unlike the other times they'd spoken Sirius wasn't happy or excited. He was red faced, furious and his nostrils kept flaring as if he was about to lose all control.

"Harry," Sirius said, his voice strained.

"Hey, Siri, are you alright?" Harry asked, picking up the mirror so his face was showing not the canopy above his bed.

"I'm fine," Sirius said, trying to smile but it came out as a grimace.

"Siri, I'm not a five year old boy who needs protecting, I'm nearly an adult, I feel like one too," Harry pointed out, "You're also an exceedingly very bad liar."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter, genuine amusement lighting up his eyes as he stared bemused. "That I am, there's only one thing I really could keep a secret, something I'm sure Remus is grateful for." he had never been able to keep anything from his friends, they'd saw right through him and obviously his godson could as well.

"Yes, I'd say so," Harry said wryly, grinning in amusement, Remus wouldn't have remained at school if the students had found out about the fact he was a werewolf - not even Dumbledore would have been able to keep him there - the pureblood's would have dragged their kids out and the Ministry would have had to interfere. Possibly with the threat of 'putting him down before he harmed the students'.

Sirius just grimaced again, looking very torn and Harry genuinely felt sorry for him.

"What are you going to do, Siri?" Harry asked he wouldn't like to be in Sirius' position right now. He could hear cluttering in the background, it sounded like cups or something, and obviously Remus was still there.

"I don't know," Sirius managed to say, obviously taking Harry's words to heart to treat him like an adult.

"Sirius…close off Grimmauld Place, don't let Dumbledore continue to use you…not after this…" Harry suggested, "He knew this whole time, he let you rot in Azkaban…for what? So he could put me at the Dursley's? So I could grow up abused?"

"Why would you think such a thing?" Remus asked, sounding perplexed, as if he didn't quite believe Harry.

"Don't you know what happened that night before you turned tail and hid in a hole for twelve years?" Harry snapped out in annoyance. "Despite having a best friend, a lover who needed you? Or how about a child who had just lost everything in a single night? You know I have more respect for Pettigrew than I do for you. At least he stood up for what he obviously believes in…whether he was wrong or not doesn't come into it."

Sirius gaped at Harry in shock, his eyes abnormally large, and Harry couldn't help but wonder what had caused it. The fact he knew they used to date? Or the fact he'd just said he respected Pettigrew? Or maybe a combination of the fact he'd called Remus a coward and everything else on top of it.

"Then I'll inform you of exactly what happened, my parents were killed, Sirius shows up, presumably comforts me since Hagrid took me from his arms, and I was transported to Privet Drive with Hagrid in a flying motorcycle. I was taken to Privet Drive twenty-four hours BEFORE Sirius was arrested, when he was my godfather and magical guardian. Dumbledore then dumped me on the doorstep and left, I was found the next day by my Aunt when she put the empty milk container out. Shortly afterwards he had the wills closed as 'executor of the estate' ensuring that Sirius would not go free and I would not gain a magical guardian so I would grow up completely oblivious about my status in the magical world supposedly Dumbledore wanted to ensure I didn't get a fat head." Harry informed them, if this didn't get them away from Dumbledore and the bloody Order nothing would. Harry knew if they stayed with Dumbledore now…he would lose Sirius, no amount of manipulation would help if Sirius could stay on the light side after what Dumbledore did. "He knew when he sent you to Grimmauld Place to 'keep you safe'; also ensuring he had control over you and me."

Sirius swallowed thickly, his shoulders hunching as he was forced to hear what he had just learned from his godson in such a matter of fact way. He was still reeling; the anger had faded by the time he picked up the mirror now a profound sense of betrayal and hurt was thrumming through him. Wondering what he had done to deserve twelve years in Azkaban…why the Headmaster had abandoned him and none of it had made sense until now…until Harry spoke.

Remus himself wasn't fairing any better, the guilt he had been feeling since Harry spoke of seeing Peter Pettigrew on the map and coming to the conclusion that Sirius could be innocent. He had denied it and better denied it until he had been forced to face the knowledge when he saw Pettigrew on the map, right next to Sirius. The worst of it after transforming back from his wolf form, he'd been exhausted for days and forced to face everything as all he'd been able to do was lie down and think. It had been steadily worse seeing Sirius again, all the apologising in the world would not, and could not make the guilt go away; he should know he was living it. To hear Harry practically call him a coward and have more respect for Pettigrew by Merlin it felt as if he was being ripped to pieces. The underlying knowledge that Dumbledore had set this all up, Dumbledore of all people, a man who he felt immense loyalty to for allowing him to attend Hogwarts had completely ripped his life apart. Had stolen twelve years of Sirius' life…had given Harry to a family where he was abused, and sent him back continuously, Remus knocked back the entire contents of whiskey in his glass, the burn was appreciated for only a second as it forced his thoughts on that instead of everything.

"I can't close Grimmauld Place…the Order…" Sirius whispered, "They're going to help you, they're needed,"

"You think I'm going to join the Order?" Harry asked, forcing a curious look on his face.

"You're not?" Sirius asked take aback.

"No," Harry revealed honestly, "It's what painted a target on my parents back, I will never trust Dumbledore again, not after this," he successfully choked out the words as if it was killing him to admit it, if this got back to Dumbledore he had to make sure that he could claim he was just 'emotional' and 'not thinking straight'. As much as it pained him - only slightly mind - he didn't trust either man one hundred percent, so he wasn't going to reveal anything they didn't already know. Especially not his loyalties or the lack of them in Dumbledore.

"You will need help to defeat Voldemort," Sirius told him calmly, as if he had come to a decision.

"Why do you think I must do it?" Harry asked blankly, "I'm not the only one who's lost parents to Voldemort during the war." protesting heavily. "Stop thinking of me and what must be done or has to bloody happen. I will not be joining the Order, I won't be coming to where you are, and so what you do is up to you. I'm not even going to bother trying to convince you, but come tomorrow you'll be getting a trial, mum made sure everyone knew who the real secret keeper was, then you'll be free to do whatever you like. Considering your words, if Dumbledore told you I have to go back to the Dursley's you'd just accept it - when it comes down to it, you'll always put Dumbledore above me…just like my friends." Harry said, not that the Dursley's would ever be seen or heard from again - no need to tell anyone that titbit - it would keep Dumbledore distracted looking for them. He didn't even wait for Sirius to protest he just murmured "Deactivate." the urge to smash the mirror against the wall was strong, but he didn't, he put the mirror in the drawer and used Parselscript to lock it, preventing anyone from getting at it. It was up to them now; he'd done all he could to make them see Dumbledore for what he was. A disgusting master manipulator that did whatever he wanted and used the excuse 'for the greater good'.

Sighing softly, he slumped back against his pillows, life at Hogwarts was just bloody tedious, it always had been but for some reason this year was the worst. Perhaps because he'd had a slice of what life could be like, even if it was with Voldemort. He certainly wouldn't have been Harry's first thought when it came to having a life without the Dursley's in it, but hey, he definitely wasn't complaining with the outcome.

He almost jumped out of his skin when the door opened so suddenly and Neville was standing there, talking, but he couldn't hear him over the muffling spell. Using his wand this time, he undid it and said, "Can you repeat that?"

"What did you say to my Gran?" Neville asked, his tone wasn't demanding in fact he was very confused and a little bit elated.

"Oh," Harry murmured moving until he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his feet on the ground. "Did I get you in trouble?" Neville knew enough occlumency that his immediate thoughts weren't coming in loud and clear to even him - a proficient Legilimens - which meant he was either a natural or he had learned it before coming to Hogwarts. Harry was one to bet that it was entirely natural; Neville was too emotional to maintain the necessary calmness that one needs to erect Occlumency barriers. It was obviously something that purebloods were taught before entering the school, since mostly all the Slytherin's had barriers on their minds too.

"No, no, but what did you say?" Neville queried again, desperate to know.

Harry winced, "Alright, alright, I'll tell you." he replied, "I may have told her she was responsible for you not being able to use magic correctly."

"But how? It's not as if she put a block on my magic, which is illegal by the way." Neville pointed out, believing that was the only way to affect ones magic.

"I certainly didn't imply anything like that," Harry protested, "No I just told her by giving you your fathers wand she was completely derailing your magical progress. The wand isn't right for you; even Ron was able to work his second hand wand better than you could. Ron got better at magic with his second wand; you don't have a wand that is right for you, Neville. I mean…when I went to Ollivander's he said the wand chooses the wizard, not that this particular wand finds you lacking, it's just the magical core inside just isn't a good fit for you. I also told her that you were ten times better than she thought you were."

Neville swallowed thickly, nobody had ever had confidence in him, he didn't even have any confidence in himself, yet those words…a longing desire to prove himself to Harry emerged so fiercely. "S-she's going to get me a new wand."

"Good, I'm glad to hear that, at least something came out of it," Harry said smiling a little, "Did you know we were god-brothers, Nev?"

"W-what?" Neville said eyes extraordinary large as he stared in disbelief.

"My parents were your godparents, your parents were my godparents," Harry explained, something inside of him giving in relief that Neville hadn't kept that information from him for four years. It probably wasn't exactly wise to befriend Neville, especially considering he'd be considered a traitor when it became obvious he had no intention of fighting in the war. No intention of killing Voldemort or stopping him taking over. The magical world was pathetic, and he honestly wanted to see what changes Voldemort would bring - surely anything was better than the way it was now?

"I-I never knew that," Neville whispered, betrayal thrumming through him, another thing his Gran continued to keep from him just because she thought he was a failure as wizard. He remembered the looks he'd got from her before he performed magic, and to this day it affected him. Nothing he did was ever good enough; she always looked down on him so when the letter came he had been so surprised.

"I didn't either," Harry informed him, "It wasn't until I went to Gringotts for the will reading of my parents, and they left you something,"

"Oh," Neville said awkwardly, "My parents…well, they're not dead…"

As much as Harry wanted to lie and conceal the fact he already knew about Neville's parents, he didn't, instead he told the boy the truth. "I already know, Nev, Dumbledore left his pensive lying out…I didn't know what it was of course," he lied, with regret; he had known what a pensive was. "I saw the trial, I know what happened to your parents, and I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner, but you obviously had a reason for not wanting anyone to know so I respected your wish and carried on as if I didn't know." he also silent apologised for being friends with one of the people responsible for Frank and Alice's torture. Perhaps it was best to distance himself from Neville; Neville would find it a huge betrayal. Surprisingly what the Lestranges had done hadn't been in the newspaper.

"We're doing some homework in the common room, would you like to come?" Neville said, abruptly remembering why he had come up the stairs, to begin with - before receiving the letter - a book he'd forgotten to pack this morning.

"No, I need some time to myself," Harry replied honestly, and he knew Neville would understand.

"Alright, will I see you at dinner?" Neville asked, understanding how overwhelming it could be, Harry like him had no real memories of his parents. Visiting them in St. Mungo's just wasn't the same, he was just constantly reminded of what he lost, but it was the only way he could see them that and he knew his Gran wouldn't react well if he told her he didn't want to go. It just wasn't worth it, so he just persevered as always.

"Probably," Harry sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly, feeling a little conflicted.

"Alright, I'll see you at dinner," Neville murmured, quickly grabbing the book from his trunk before hastily leaving the room - giving Harry time to himself - something he obviously desperately desired.

Upon touching the Dark Mark, Severus was transported to the Dark Lord's side, which at the moment was his office. The mark as soon as he was in His presence stopped the annoying twinges. He was being called more often now than he had all summer, ironic really, but the Order had been out in full force trying to locate Harry, all the while his Lord had been trying to convince Harry to join his side, and kept him hidden away from even the elite. Although really, he didn't think Harry had needed much convincing. He wasn't alone with the Dark Lord he realized, Pettigrew was there, standing snivelling as he always was, and Severus' lip unconsciously curled, how he hated the loathsome traitorous rat, and couldn't wait until the Dark Lord tired of him and he could finally torture and kill him - with Harry's help no doubt.

"My Lord," Severus said, bowing his head respectfully but remained standing. "Dumbledore is unfortunately, aware that I was called, he was with me when you summoned me. We had just returned from the will reading."

Voldemort faced Severus and nodded curtly, before turning to face Wormtail again, "Leave!" he snapped, the only reason he had called the disgusting pathetic wizard was to summon Severus not listen to his snivelling voice.

"Yes, your lordship," Pettigrew said bowing low, so low in fact his face came into contact with the floor before he quickly wobbled away, his entire body shaking as if he had just been under the Cruciatus curse, he hadn't been, it was just his usual countenance.

"I want you to brew these potions," Voldemort stated, removing a list from his desk and handing it over to Severus.

"When do you require them, My Lord?" Severus asked, knowing better than to think it was a suggestion, it was an order.

"You will brew them here," Voldemort informed him; already knowing Severus would prefer to return to Hogwarts to brew them. "I will give you a time-turner so you do not need to explain your long absence."

"Of course," Severus replied, his eyes glancing over the list, hearing the words time-turner had made him wonder how many potions and how long he'd be there. Fortunately for him he knew he could brew at least four at a time, maybe three with a few of the potions on the list that require near constant supervision. "I have the results of the tests you requested that I run." he added, remembering the paperwork he had been carrying around in his concealed cloak pocket for the past few days for when he was called - which he had been of course.

"Sit," Voldemort demanded immediately, his hand barely twitching as he summoned a chair from the corner of the room, if zoomed over slowing to a stop right next to Severus who did indeed take a seat, as he began to remove parchment from his pocket. "What have you observed so far?" he demanded accepting the paperwork surprised by the work Severus had put into it, he'd gone back further than he anticipated he thought as he looked over the family trees.

"That nine of the Muggle-born students have at least one magical ancestor often time two, the information I gathered regarding the names I found seemed to indicate that they were squibs who were presumably thrust into the Muggle world as soon as it became apparent that they were not magical." Severus explained, "If there are names of wizards in the other family trees they aren't ones I am familiar with, perhaps you or Nott might have more luck with them."

"You tested only known Muggle-born's?" Voldemort questioned him glancing up from the paperwork in front of him but he knew as he asked that Severus would have been thorough.

"That is correct." Severus nodded once, "There is quite a surprise in Hermione Granger's results, apparently Armand Malfoy was not the sole heir to the family, they had another son, Barnaby Malfoy, who was presumably a squib and disowned." Severus explained sounding greatly amused. "I had to refrain from showing Lucius what I had discovered." he chuckled dryly, surprising himself, he never ever let his guard down around the Dark Lord…and he just had.

"Armand was the first of the Malfoy's to arrive in Britain, I assume the son had been disowned as they settled," Voldemort stated thoughtfully, remembering Abraxas revealing parts of his history while they were at Hogwarts. Severus had gone quite far back, 1066 was when Armand Malfoy had come to Britain, it had taken a long time for magic to come back into the family, but if they all married Muggles with no magical ancestors then it made sense. His eyes skimmed over the magical tree, wondering if both parents had squib ancestors. He found himself wishing to investigate further; long lost pureblood names could be renewed. Magic could actually flourish again, there was only twenty families left that could say they were 'pureblood's' and most of them were pathetic, Crabbe and Goyle being a prime example, and look at what had happened to the Black family in a few decades. There was only one heir left, if Black didn't have an heir the Black line would be next to go.

"Yes, I believe Lucius has no idea of this titbit of information," Severus replied, the family tapestry was hand woven, if he hadn't been put on it, it could be very well that even Armand hadn't known about his sibling.

"Crouch will help you with the potions if you require it?" Voldemort suggested, arching an eyebrow at his Potions Master, actually asking a question.

"I will be fine, thank you, My Lord," Severus stated immediately, he didn't like people breathing over his shoulder as he worked, as helpful as Crouch would be he didn't want to end up being there past midnight. If there was a single accident then he most definitely would be.

"Use my potions lab, it will open for you, everything you need will be down there," Voldemort stated, refraining from smirking at the gobsmacked look on his spy's face.

"Yes, My Lord," Severus stated gathering his momentarily scattered composure before standing, giving another nod before swiftly exiting the office, closing the door behind himself and making his way to where he knew the Dark Lord's potions lab was. It was in the wing that absolutely nobody got to go to, not without permission, in fact it was the same wing that Harry had been in, had a bedroom in.

Voldemort's eyes carefully roamed over each of the family trees that Severus had brought him. Slightly amazed that he had so successfully managed to get fifteen Muggle-born's blood from them without alerting them. This Hermione Granger was truly the great-great-great granddaughter of a Malfoy. There hadn't been a female Malfoy in ever, it had been Narcissa's wish to have a daughter, but they'd barely been able to have Draco, it was just too dangerous for her to have another child and Lucius did not want to lose her.

Each family tree uncovered the same thing, all at different times, so there was no set limit to how long it took for magic to re-emerge in certain lines. None of them were quite as impressive as the bloodlines that ran through Harry's veins though but still, the boy was correct. He recognized the names of fourteen wizards, but the fifteenth one remained a mystery for now. He would get to the bottom of it. It was no coincidence that they all had a magical ancestor.

Pursing his lips he leaned back gazing blankly at the parchment in front of him. He had always assumed the Muggle-born's were pathetic, a waste of air, admittedly his belief came from Salazar Slytherin, and the desire to finish what his ancestor had started. They were destroying everything, because of the Muggle loving wizards they no longer celebrated the pagan rites, Yule had become Christmas and they no longer celebrated the solstices and that was just the tip of the iceberg. The fact the proportion of Muggle-born's were on the rise while pureblood's declined also annoyed him. He'd wanted rid of Muggle-born's as well as the sympathisers. Why hadn't he killed Harry again? He thought completely vexed. He did not like questioning the beliefs he'd held for sixty years nearly. Part of him had hoped Severus would tell him the opposite of what he just had. Damn the brat, he thought grouchily, as he had to admit defeat.

He sat up at abruptly when he felt the wards twinge; it appeared as if Fenrir Greyback had at long last arrived. With a wave of his hand everything regarding the tests he'd had done on Muggle-born's flew into the drawer and closed. It was time to talk to his Alpha werewolf; soon he hoped to have the creatures all on his side.

There we go, Harry certainly gave Sirius a lot to think about! :D I still haven't decided about him so this is the best way to go until I've decided on which way his allegiance will go. What did you think about the surprise with Granger? Will she be de-aged and given another chance - to grow up with the Malfoy's or will Narcissa have a chance of a little girl a different way? Using Muggle means that Harry tells them about? Ones that do not require betrayal of the oaths they take when they marry? After all, what better way to ensure the thriving of the magical society by doing that? Would you prefer to see Voldemort and Harry go from friends to lovers or apprentice to friends to lovers? either of which it will take a while before either act on anything he is only fifteen after all and I want him to be either sixteen at least or seventeen :) R&R please