Embracing His True Self

Chapter 33

The home ensconced under the Fidelius Charm was visible to Sirius and Remus, but to everyone else it just wasn't there, it was so much more than just a home though. It was a fresh start, a new life, somewhere truly safe, where he'd never have to watch his back, live in a house he utterly detested, and he never had to look Dumbledore in the face. There were no bad memories associated here, Sirius thought as he made his way inside, yet, he added darkly, he didn't doubt Harry for a moment, and he truly feared that Remus knew what it was doing to him and was continuing to consume the poison on a monthly basis.

The thought left him cold, as if a Dementor had made itself known. Closing his eyes a shudder of fear wracked his frame, even just thinking about those detestable creatures took him back to Azkaban. With Remus (and the potion Harry gave him) the nightmares weren't so bad anymore, he still had them from time to time, woke up in cold sweat not the same sort as before, very mild compared to that. Sometimes thinking of his godson helped, when in Azkaban it had been Harry who kept him sane, and even now it was Harry keeping him sane. Closing his eyes he visualized the patronus, the clearly visible stag, identical to James' Animagus form, the warmth and power that came with it. His godson was unbelievable, so powerful and he didn't even realize it. Thirteen year olds just didn't go around conjuring blood Patroni charms.

Now he'd gone and taken his OWLS early, Sirius thought with wry fondness, his heart rate began to lower, as the fear receded to the back of his mind. Remus was going to be proud of Harry, shocked yes, but proud, he was the nerd of the group, and by Merlin his mother would have been so amazed. He often thought about talking to Harry about his parents, but when he opened his mouth to say anything he froze, the words just got caught in his mouth. He didn't want to upset Harry, remind him that everyone had known them except him. Plus it hurt so much, and until he took the potion quite honestly his mind had been scrambled, he barely remembered his memories especially the good ones. The bad ones he had in abundance, constantly reminded due to the presence of the Dementors.

"Sirius?" Remus called out from the top landing, sniffing the air gently, and his senses was much better nearer the full moon.

"I'm back," Sirius said his tone distant, subdued.

"Did you find him?" Remus asked, briskly rushing down the stairs, the carpet keeping his bare feet protected in a way that Grimmauld Place could not. His face was hopeful yet resigned, he honestly didn't think Sirius would find Harry, but he couldn't help but hope that he would nonetheless. He could smell that the panic was gone, but there was another emotion he couldn't quite place wafting from Sirius instead now. Not just one emotion actually a whole plethora of them. Pride, worry, happiness, dread. "Sirius?" he repeated, "Did you find him?"

"We need to talk," Sirius said strongly, much more strongly than he actually meant.

Hearing those words made Remus' stomach shrink; it was never words anyone in a relationship ever wanted to hear. Had Sirius not truly forgiven him for what happened? Would he really leave him? He sounded very upset, as if he was forcing himself to say the words. "Alright," he said, feeling quite sick and anxious, not good on top of his usual ailments at this time of the month. The full moon was absolutely dreadful to deal with, but it had been part of his life now for so long he didn't remember any other way.

Remus made his way into the living room, sliding over to the cabinet and removed two tumbler glasses, and poured equal generous amounts into the glasses. He had a feeling he was going to need the bottle, not just a glass, but he would wait and see. Passing one to Sirius, he sat down on the chair, watching his partner with dread and anxiety shooting further when he noticed the pacing beginning. Sirius didn't hold in when he had something to say, he just said it, so it was a sign of how bad it was that he was silent. "Sirius, what do you want to talk about…it isn't Harry is it?" Remus felt his heart stutter, he hadn't thought of that.

"No, Harry's fine, he's safe, he's somewhere safe." Sirius reassured Remus, he'd never let him think such a thing.

"Somewhere?" Remus echoed, "Not Hogwarts?" it was a silly thing to do, especially with Voldemort out there, Harry could be captured or killed if he didn't return to Hogwarts.

"No," Sirius confirmed, "He's reassured me he's safe, I think he might be in one of the old manors, you know how many properties the Potter's have in the entirety of the estate." and those old manors were completely secure, he doubted even Dumbledore could get into them, unless he was already granted entrance into them. He'd need to tell Harry how to retract someone's acceptance passed the wards just to be on the safe side. He couldn't allow himself to get sidetracked he scolded himself.

"I see," Remus murmured he'd have to talk Harry into returning to Hogwarts where he'd be safe. Voldemort wouldn't go near the school, not with Dumbledore there as Headmaster. Sure, the old man wasn't on their good side, but he wouldn't hurt Harry, he was too important, and if he did anything the case would be put under a microscope, surely Dumbledore wouldn't let that happen. "Was that what you wanted to discuss?" he added after a few moments of silence, he was feeling quite perplexed. Seeing Sirius down his glass in one go, he realized that it definitely wasn't over.

Sirius exhaled slowly, he really didn't want to know the answer to the question he was about to ask, he internally admitted as he walked over and filled an overly generous amount into his empty glass. Staring at the beech cabinet, he tried to get as many light coloured items into the house as possible after living in such damp dreary conditions for so long. "Did you investigate the Wolfsbane potion when it first came out?" still staring at the cabinet.

Remus blinked in utter befuddlement, it took him a few moments to get his mouth working. "What?"

"You heard, did you?" Sirius asked, glancing around briefly before staring blindly at the wall, a picture of a wolf and a black dog in separate paintings, both Muggle, Sirius had seen them one day and just had to get them. He was now constantly on the outlook for a stag.

"Yes," Remus replied cautiously. "The retail price was extortionate, I wanted to brew it myself but it's far too complicated." coming from him that was saying a lot. There was probably only three or four potion Masters in the world who could effortlessly brew the potion. If not the world then certainly Great Britain, it's why it cost so much to make. He had been gutted, then Dumbledore had asked him to be the defence professor, he had declined, of course, only for Dumbledore to dangle something in front of him he could not refuse. The Wolfsbane potion. Brewed for him every month even when he wasn't at Hogwarts during the summer. The thought of seeing Harry had been enticing and that's what Dumbledore had used to begin with. He hadn't been able to face his best friends son, couldn't endure the questions as to why he hadn't been there. Oddly enough Harry had never asked, not once. Not in all the times they'd been together while he helped Harry do the Patronus charm, he hadn't expected him to produce a fully fledged patronus of all things, but he had.

"So you know what the potion is doing to you?" Sirius said icily, furious with Remus for being so careless with his life.

Remus gulped down the contents of his glass, rasping out a quiet, "Yes," he admitted.

"You know you won't live to see your fortieth birthday but you kept using it…letting me think you were just fine?" Sirius spat eyes blazing as he spun around.

"I-I-it's not like that, Sirius, it isn't," Remus murmured, desperate for his partner to believe him. "You're just exaggerating."

"Oh am I?" Sirius asked coolly. "Didn't think I deserved a say when you slowly kill yourself by ingesting that poison!"

Remus flinched, both at the words, and the reminder that only Greyback ever called the potion poison. It was an accurate assessment, but he'd always forced himself into denial, to not believe it. "So what would you have me do? Go back to not using it?" he asked him incredulously.

"YES!" Sirius roared suddenly. "To have some consideration for me! You and Harry are all I have left…" he choked suddenly pale and shaken. "I can't lose either of you…I can't watch you poison yourself." his voice hoarse as if he'd hurt his throat with his sudden roar.

"What are you saying?" Remus asked a quiver of fear in his voice. He couldn't go back to being alone, he just couldn't. He'd been alone for so long, he loved Sirius, and he truly did, had for a very long time.

"I wont…I can't watch you kill yourself, Remus, I can't," Sirius whispered gulping down the whiskey terrified that Remus would pick the poison over him.

"You don't know what you're asking," Remus choked out, clenching his hands into fists.

"Was it truly that bad when you had us to help that you need to do this?" Sirius asked in defeat, sitting down on the leather couch his eyes closed tiredly.

"No, it was after," Remus admitted.

"Please, for my sake stop taking it," Sirius begged, pleading with his partner to stop taking the potion.

"I can't do that," Remus whispered, his heart felt like it was being crushed. He didn't want to lose Sirius but he couldn't stop taking the potion.

"Why?" Sirius snapped.

"I can't Sirius!" Remus said in warning.

"At least give me an explanation as to why you're choosing the potion over me!" Sirius argued.

"I can't!"

"WHY!"

"I CAN'T!"

"WHY?"

"I KILLED SOMEONE!" Remus roared, his eyes going more amber as he let his wolf out a little in his anger. Belatedly realizing what he had said, Remus paled further than one could possibly imagine, especially since he was already pale due to the closeness of the full moon and the feeling of sickness that came with it.

Like a balloon both men felt their anger burst replaced with different emotions.

"Oh, Remy," Sirius whispered guiltily, "How long have you kept this to yourself? How long have you tormented yourself?" why hadn't he told him?

"It was the full moon after it happened," Remus confessed, sitting down, glass hanging empty in his limp hand, his left hand covered his shame filled face. He didn't need to elaborate on what 'It' was, the horrific Halloween, where he had lost every single member of his pack. Lily, James, little Harry, Sirius and Peter. He still wasn't sure how it had happened either, as in grief as he was, he never took chances. Jumping a little when whiskey was poured into his glass, he hadn't even sensed Sirius moving. "Moony got out, I don't understand how, I took every precaution I usually do," a tortured sound left his throat; it was a cross between a plea and a whine.

"Did anyone know where you were?" Sirius asked quietly, his guilt intensifying, if only he hadn't gone after Peter he might not have ended up in Azkaban. He would have raised his godson, and his partner wouldn't be guilty of something he had no control over.

"Just Dumbledore, he came to see me before I left after the full moon, asking that I don't visit Harry so he can have a normal upbringing without the strain of being the Boy-Who-Lived on his shoulders." Remus whispered tiredly, "As if I would have mentioned that! I don't care about his so called fame." bitterness coating his voice. It wasn't as if he knew where Harry was anyway, Lily rarely spoke of Petunia, and when she did it was with sadness at what had become of her relationship with her sister. In fact he had only met her once, at the wedding.

Sirius felt suspicion squirming in his gut; could Dumbledore have set it all up? To make Remus run? So he wouldn't visit Harry? No, Dumbledore might be many things but he would never risk that. He'd gone to great lengths to keep Remus' furry little problem from getting out after he had stupidly tried to get Snape in trouble. All he'd done was nearly get his partner 'put down' it was his biggest regret, Remus had been so angry with him. He'd thought he had completely ruined their friendship for good. Probably would have if James hadn't realized the enormity of what he had done and gone straight to the rescue.

Perhaps he shouldn't have been so quick to dismiss the idea.

"Remus, you can't blame yourself for something you have no control over," Sirius said, trying to comfort his partner but knowing nothing truly would.

Sick to his stomach he stated sharply, "Yes I can," of course, he bloody well blamed himself.

"Remus you know that it's not you!" Sirius protested, "You lead with this heart here." pressing his hand against Remus' chest, feeling the pounding of his heart.

"I remember ripping him to shreds," Remus croaked, and the power that came with it. "I enjoyed it," he had been for a brief moment been one with the wolf, the perfect predator. No worries or fears, he'd just tore apart the guy and relished in his kill, in eating him. He'd woken up afterwards in the forest, well away from the hideout he'd been using; the first thing that dawned on him was he could taste the copper taste of blood in his mouth. Normally he couldn't remember much, but he had remembered that. He'd covered up every shred of evidence and returned home, still in shock and was still that way when Dumbledore came knocking at the door.

"No, the wolf enjoyed it," Sirius corrected him, "You aren't the same being, he enjoyed it, its natural for a wolf to enjoy something like that, don't get yourself mixed up with Moony."

Remus just shook his head, gulping more whiskey down his throat, he really shouldn't be doing this, but at this point he didn't quite care at the moment. Sirius wouldn't understand, couldn't understand, he had enjoyed it, and he had been utterly terrified of himself since. So when the chance to keep his mind for the full moon cropped up he'd taken it without pause. Now Sirius was telling him to stop taking it or end up alone. The problem was Sirius might not like the person he becomes if he and his wolf were to become one again.

"Where did you hear about the Wolfsbane potion?" Remus asked, grumbling at the fact he was already sobering up, his metabolism was extremely fast. Sirius didn't read unless he absolutely had to, so the chances of him having picked up a book was pretty slim. He had been out there on his own trying to look for Harry unless he'd bumped into an Order member, why an Order member saw fit to talk about that particular potion he had no idea.

So it was to his eternal surprise when Sirius informed him how he had heard about it, "Harry,"

"Why would Harry…" Remus gaped baffled, his mind off his confession.

"I'm not sure, he was really…cold with me when he was asking about it, he's angry at you for taking it and me for thinking I'm letting you kill yourself." Sirius admitted, "I assume he knew you were taking it? Probably did some investigating as well."

Remus' lips twitched, "He thought Severus was poisoning me,"

"No, you're just poisoning yourself," Sirius said but without bite, in fact he sounded subdued. "He's taken his OWLS you know, Harry, he's graduated early."

Remus' jaw dropped, "He actually passed enough classes to graduate and so early?" pride swelling within his heart, he couldn't have been more proud of him if he tried. James would have been half horrified half stunned that his son was so studious; Lily would have been on cloud nine.

"Evidently, I don't know his scores, but it wouldn't be hard to find out," Sirius grinned wryly, the urge to use the mirror was strong but it was late…Harry would be sleeping by now. "Harry also said that others have died using the potion…the Ministry obviously wouldn't publish that information." why would they? They wanted to control the werewolves not cause more to stop using the potion and become unpredictable and a danger to society.

Remus swallowed thickly and nodded, truthfully it had always been there in the back of his mind, but he'd refused to think on it. All he would need to do was remember that full moon and his concerns would fade away. Now though because of Sirius the lid had been blown right off, and all his suppressed fears had just come swimming to the forefront of his mind. It had been a necessary sacrifice. To hear that both Harry and Sirius were angry at him hurt, they were the only people he had left in his life, and they were both adamant about him stopping taking it.

"I don't want to bury you before you turn forty, Remus, I want us to have a long life together, and too much has already been spent alone and hurting." Sirius explained tiredly, rubbing his eyes. "Can you do this…for me?" he pleaded.

Remus wordlessly nodded, feeling exceptionally drained. This argument had taken a lot out of him, it would have been worse if he hadn't taken that nap earlier.

"Tomorrow I'm going to see about getting a healer in, late afternoon so you can get some sleep." Sirius said, his tone booking no arguments. He wasn't going to let this one go; Remus would be looked over by a professional healer, not a damn prejudice one either.

"What? Why?" Remus asked, bewildered by the seeming sudden change of subject.

"I want to know what damage has been done, figure out a way to counter it, it's why you've found it so hard to keep your weight up, the potion constantly purging from your liver…the poison making you sick." Sirius said, he didn't truly understand what Harry meant about that, but he would take his godsons word for it. Since he actually seemed to know the damage it was doing. Sure he always looked a little skinny after the full moon but nothing like the skinniness he had these days.

"It will cost too much," Remus argued, home visits? They'd try and bilk Sirius, use his concern for his welfare to get him to agree to stuff he didn't even need.

"I won't argue over this, Remy," Sirius stated, "I need to know you're alright, you've been taking that potion for years."

"What do you expect me to do without it? Change here?" Remus pointed out worriedly.

"I'm not weak and frail like I used to be when you turned in front of Snape, Hermione, Ron and Harry," Sirius pointed out, "I'm much stronger now, plus you know I can distract your wolf me and James did well enough during the full moons at Hogwarts. We will get through tonight and I promise…we'll find somewhere we can go where the wolf can run free without anyone stumbling upon us. I swear I'll find something alright?"

"No, it can't be let out to run free," Remus disagreed.

"Harry actually suggested a multi-compartmented trunk, you know put a massive forest inside, latch a door up high so that the wolf cannot get out…" Sirius suggested anything to make Remus agree to stop taking the potion. He'd spend every single sickle he had left to ensure it.

Remus blinked, now that was actually a brilliant idea, why hadn't he thought of that before? "That…is…an amazing idea," he murmured dazed.

Sirius grinned, "Then that's what we will do," he promised himself that he would go out first thing tomorrow and see about getting exactly what he wanted.

"But what about tonight?" Remus asked, "If I could just take…"

"NO!" Sirius argued before Remus could get the words out. "Not happening." he was going to write to Snape and demand that he stop supplying the potion as well. Pay him for the supply he had given them (despite the fact he didn't have to) and tell him that Remus wouldn't be taking it in future. He'd probably be relieved anyway, that potion was obviously time-consuming. He might not like Snape but if he said it nastily he had a feeling the wizard would continue sending it out of spite; he wasn't risking Remus taking it behind his back.

"Then you better lock me up then," Remus informed him, his eyes closed, he was so very tired.

Sirius pressed his fingers to Remus' face, stroking over the tired features, "You know I do this because I love you, don't you?" he confessed, "We've only just found each other again…I don't want to lose you, not for the sake of you keeping your mind during a full moon. I love you, Remus, all of you, the good and the bad and the wolf." kissing him with soft claiming, aware he wasn't in the mood for much else.

Remus pressed his face into the warmth of Sirius' hand, "I know," he said, sighing softly. There weren't many people who actually accepted all of him, except those closest to him. James, Lily, Sirius and Harry, Merlin Harry didn't care about his werewolf, and he'd grown up in the Muggle world. So to hear he didn't care was quite shocking if he was honest. "I love you too."

Sirius leaned forward, letting Remus' head lie in the crook of his neck, his own eyes closed. He had been through every single emotion conceivable tonight. He and Remus had sorted this out though, and his godson was safe. He felt relief, but a part of him was still caught up on what Remus had said about Dumbledore and his own suspicious thoughts regarding what happened that night. Remus was never one to lax on the spells to keep his wolf contained in a certain area. If nobody had been back to that safe house…it was conceivable he might be able to find out the last spells used. He would need Bill for that, but luckily he could actually pay him, make it an official job, one he couldn't talk about. Yes, that was it; he had a lot to do tomorrow. One would only take ten minutes to sort out (the trunk) and the other…may take longer, it required a trip to Gringotts then to see Bill who would either be working or at home or possibly visiting the twins.

Looks like I'm getting back into a routine! YAY! Still haven't decided what to update tomorrow though usually can by this time! :D Will Fenrir be able to talk sense into Remus? Perhaps telling him he was a predator, not a damn wizard, that his feelings weren't the same as a wizards. Even after the full moon? To embrace his wolf…to become one with him? Or will Remus never be able to accept his dark nature? Will Sirius be able to accept it? Will Harry slowly reveal bits of what Voldemort had been hoping to achieve during the first war? I don't think he could ever be dark…on the dark side and agree completely but neutral for the sake of Harry I think that's doable. Unless we have Dumbledore doing something utterly incomprehensible that makes Sirius realize he cannot associate with the light side anymore completely. What could it be? Will he betray Sirius when he realizes he cannot control him anymore? But how? Hmm, not sure whether Sirius has been proven innocent in this one…need to give the story a quick read lol R&R please