They've Invaded!
Chapter 8: Not Again!
Disclaimer: I don't even own a computer! What makes you think I own a story's plot? Oh wait… I DO own a computer? PROVE IT!
Reviews:
I have a good amount suddenly… oh well…
GOLD STARS:
Can I have some? (no)
PLEASE? (no)
WAH! (no)
If you laughed at the above conversation then -7
If you laughed whilst watching Fruits Basket then -20
If you are related to me then -7689
If you are me then wtf is wrong with you and I hope you die!
YAY!
I am happy… so you should be happy too…
ICP!
As Chris was doing whatever he does to get back down to his sewer island that he plays pirates on, he heard a laugh.
"Ha! Remember me Chris?" the voice said.
"umm… this isn't about that bill I didn't pay for the DirecTV is it?" Chris asked.
"Umm… sure why not…" the voice said.
"I'm sorry! I was gonna send it! I lost it and then got caught up in a guerrilla style war! I didn't mean it!" Chris said, crying.
"OK OK! SHUT UP! It's Bulba, I'm here to destroy the Freedom Fighters and re-establish Russian control!"
"Then why did you want me to kill Tatarin?" Chris asked as a sudden stroke of genius came over him… followed by an actual stroke, he fell over in pain.
"Cause that freak creeps me out! I mean… Oh my gosh… he was just sitting there munching on a dead Russian and I was like… 'YOU'RE EATING HIM!' and he just ignored me and muttered something about how Russians make for good popcorn and I was like 'EW!'" Bulba said in a mix between horror and teenage.
"Wow… well… yeah…" Chris said in his usual, tolerant manner.
"Oh… and… umm… while I was taking the sewers over… umm… Troy died… and… Isabella went off drunk with some Russian guys… and… well… yeah… you're alone now…"
With this, Chris cried, he realized that he had killed and/or helped kill every single person who was going to help him with this part of the storyline… and now he had to find a plot hole in the actual game to figure out how to make this work… it wasn't looking good.
(With the Russians)
Umm… Russian stuff…
(Back with Chris)
He was on the island now… he remembered all those years of sitting there, playing butt-pirates with the local child molester. Now it was a ruin of an American Resistance Movement… oh the pain… oh the horror!
Just then hundreds of Russian soldiers charged the island… they all tripped and drowned in the river. This created a bridge for him to use across the water and into other parts of the sewer that he loved.
As he explored the tubes that so closely resembled a pregnant llama on mid-summer's eve being devoured by lice, he ran into a Russo-Whatever soldier… the shot his hand off, then his hip, then his eyes, then his feet, then threw a grenade at him…
Another Russo-Blah soldier saw this brutal torture and shot a bullet right through Chris's heart. Chris collapsed to the ground, flashbacks of a stupider time came to his mind.
"No, not like this" he said as he stumbled up and slapped himself with a med-pack, he was suddenly better.
"BLAH!" Chris yelled as he shot wildly at everything in the sewers. Thanks to auto-aim, every Russo-Something died in a head shot.
"You can't win Chris!" Bulba said, he knew that there was no way Chris would be able to take on the whole Russian army, he didn't realize that half of his army was busy getting drunk at the local IHOP, and another third was busy wondering how someone would get drunk at IHOP.
Chris shot stuff until he ran into an American, he then shot that too. Eventually, Chris reached a train track. Chris was logical, so he did what any logical person would do. He laid at that track rolling around and giggling. Then a train came and ran him over.
Chris was dieing, memories of tootsie rolls and lard came to his mind.
"Not… like… this…" he said and slapped himself with another med-pack. He was all better… again…
He then walked down to some room with a computer and a bunch of pizza. He didn't know what this room was, so he lit it on fire and left. This fire later spread to a high school and a news station… everyone everywhere near those things died.
"WOW! I'm alive!" Chris said with a hint of sadness/satisfaction/sophistication/superness/sombreros in his words.
Chris stumbled up to the news station. A tank confronted him, but the gun backfired and killed everyone inside, which included the entire Mexican race.
"Wow, these Soviets are committing genocide!" Chris said in anger, or love… we don't know which…
He then walked up to the Communist Flag and raised a Soviet one instead. Then, realizing his mistake, he lowered the Soviet Flag and raised an American Flag which he found in a conveniently located dog. The dog died of a heart attack during his surgery… I blame Chris.
Suddenly, a feeling overcame Chris, he wanted to risk his life while saying something inspiring… so he climbed the flag pole and dangled himself over a cliff at the same time… then he muttered something about rights as thousands of hippies sat there cheering. Just then the Army came and pushed all the hippies off of the cliff, thus winning the war.
"We won!" some sergeant said.
Just then Chris fell off of the flagpole and broke his neck… thoughts of ruby's Tuesdays came to his mind…
"not… like… this…" Chris said and ate a med-pack whole… he choked… but then got better due to the wonders of modern science…
"You… we will join you against the Russians/Germans/French/British/Whatevers now!" The whole army said at once, breaking the eardrums of everyone inside of it.
"OK!" Chris said happily.
"WHAT?" The whole army screamed at once… this caused a massive sound wave that killed the whole army.
"Ah crap… I might as well find Isabella now…" Chris said as he took his pet monkey and walked into the sunset… the intense heat killed Chris's monkey and badly injured Chris.
"Not… like… this…" Chris said and farted on a med-pack. He was healed by the powers of religion.
YAY!
Ok… not my best… but it helps me march this story forward…
We are at the last part of the story…
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS THAT AREN'T DEAD YET?
Yeah… this is a horrible story…
R&EESDR… Read and Eat Edible Socks During Rain!