25 Short Scenes In Which Harry Potter Dies

Scene 3- In Which Harry Is Sat On

"Wake up!" Aunt Petunia's shrill voice tore through Harry's dream. It had been a pleasant dream, about three squirrels who traveled around the world wearing large, pink hats and having adventures. Harry reckoned the dream had come from the squirrels he had chased from the garden yesterday (on Aunt Petunia's orders) and the magenta baby bonnet he had found while cleaning out the closet (also on Aunt Petunia's orders).

Harry groaned, and rolled himself out of bed. Sleeping was hard to do when Aunt Petunia was screaming in your ear.

"I'm coming!" Harry called back. Eyes barely open, Harry reached for his glasses. He was about to put them on when he heard a thud against the window sill. Shoving his glasses onto the bridge of his nose, Harry came face to face with Ron's owl, Pigwidgeon. "Oh, it's you, is it?" Harry muttered to the excited creature. "Have you seen Hedwig?" Hedwig had been gone all night, and Harry had left the window open for her. Pigwidgeon nipped at Harry's fingers. Harry glanced at the letter tied to Pig's leg, staring a moment before remembering to untie it. Pig obligingly stuck his leg out and promptly fell over. Harry took the letter, an amused expression on his face. The letter read:

Dear Harry,

Happy birthday! I'd have sent your gift along with Pig, but he's too small to carry it. So I thought maybe I could Apparate to your room later on and give it to you? Now that I can legally Apparate and all. When are you going to take your test, anyway? The sooner you can do it, the sooner you can Apparate away from the Muggles! And it could come in handy in case Dudley ever tried to sit on you. Unless he's lost some weight?

Best birthday wishes,

Ron

P.S. Be careful where Dudley sits!

Harry smiled. He sat down at the tiny desk next to his bed. Opening a concealed drawer, he pulled out a piece of parchment and started his reply.

Dear Ron,

Maybe you shouldn't Apparate in my room. Can you meet me in the alley just off Privet Drive tonight at sunset? It would be great to see you – at this point, Aunt Petunia shrieked from the bottom of the stairs, "Get down here, Harry, and sweep the kitchen! Dudley spilled the cereal!" Harry looked up for a moment before hurriedly finishing the letter.

I really have to go, Ron, but I'll see you tonight if you can make it!

Harry.

Harry tied this letter to Pig's leg. The instant it was done, Pig took off, narrowly missing the edge of the window on his way out. Harry stood watching Pig fly off for a moment or two, then jumped into action. He thundered down the stairs to the kitchen, grabbing the broom from the cupboard under the stairs on his way.

"I'm here, Aunt Petunia," he said.

Aunt Petunia eyed him suspiciously for a moment. "You haven't be doing…you know…have you?"

"What?" Harry asked. "Magic?"

Dudley waddled into the kitchen while Aunt Petunia was screeching at Harry for using the "m-word," and proceeded to fill his arms with food: cream puffs, potato crisps, three slices of leftover pizza, treacle tart, and more. This, he took to the counter to lay out in an appetizing fashion and, item by item, devour.

Petunia took a deep breath and ended her tirade. Shoving the broom into Harry's hands (it had fallen to the floor in the quarrel), she turned to walk out of the room. "Just sweep the cereal up," she snapped. To Dudley, she added, "Eat that at the table, sweetums."

Harry, who had sunk down in a chair at the table, saw Dudley coming. "No! Dudley, you fat oaf, watch out!" It happened, of course, that Dudley wasn't listening to Harry but instead was straining to hear the faint knock on the door: Piers, Dudley's friend and partner-in-crime, was due to arrive any second.

Harry tried to dive off the seat, but it was too late; he was surrounded on three sides by Dudley's flab, and the chair back obstructed his getaway route on the other side. "NOOOO—" The cry was cut off at Dudleysat his very large, very heavybehind right on top of Harry.

Hours later, Ron Weasley waited just outside Number 4, Privet Drive, but Harry never showed up. Venturing inside the now-empty house, Ron came upon the splattered remains of one late Harry Potter.

"I told you, mate," Ron said, shaking his head sorrowfully upon recognizing the shattered glasses frames that were partially buried in the mess, "You should have taken that test."