Questions: I'm Just A Kid

---Kai's POV---

I woke up feeling the bleak morning sun on my face and watching the light filter through the open windows of my room. I roll over to check the time on my alarm clock and my eyes widen, seven O'clock? Since when do I sleep in so late? Well it is Christmas so I guess I can take one day off to be lazy. What the hell am I thinking? I shake my head and get dressed. It's been a week since the tournament in Russia, I wonder where everyone is, and where are all my so-called friends this happy Christmas? I haven't heard from them since the end of the tournament. Did they forget me?

I woke up it was seven
Waited till eleven
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think I got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When you're spending everyday on you own.
And here it goes

There are no presents and there's no tree or any decorations, I never celebrated Christmas at the abbey so it looks like old habits are hard to break. I don't really blame them for not getting me anything, I didn't get anything for them either...well not much.

Outside I hear children laughing and playing; everyone seems to be having fun except for me that is. I walk to my window and just lean against the window sill as I watch all the children outside as they play and adults exchange gifts. If I was really honest with myself I'd say that I was just a kid like them, a kid who grew up too fast and is probably too mature for his own good. What could have been so wrong in just being a kid? Couldn't I be like that? And if no then why not?

I've always been alone, I shouldn't care but I can't help it, am I being weak by feeling lonely? Is this my fault? Maybe this is a punishment, maybe I was never meant to be happy, I don't deserve it after what I did. I betrayed my team and even though I came back, traitors are never forgiven. Does anyone care? If they do then they shouldn't, they shouldn't even bother with me.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare.
I'm just a kid; I know that it's not fair.
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is.
Having more fun then me tonight

I'm too lazy to do anything so I crawl back into bed under the covers and stare at the ceiling trying to recall the last happy moment. Happy moments are rare for me so you'd think I'd remember one but how can you remember a happy moment when you haven't had one? Outside it begins to snow and a cold wind blows into my room but I don't really care, I can't even feel it too much. The white powdered snow brings back faint memories of Russia after the world tournament when we all celebrated our victory.

And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed.
Staring at these four walls again.
I'll try to think about the last time, I had good time.

Everyone's got somewhere to go.
And their gonna leave me here on my own, and here it goes

It was the only time I ever truly smiled, the only time I felt like I actually belonged somewhere in this screwed up world and the only time I forgot about my training to be the best and just let myself enjoy the moment. I start to feel colder and my skin starts to become numb from the cold wind that tickles at my skin. I push myself more under the covers and tighten them around me for added warmth.Still this emptiness persists, is this as good as it gets for me? Did I do something to deserve this? This loneliness and this feeling of being forsaken and forgotten, it hurts. Is it my fault I was brainwashed into only wanting to have power and never anything else? Is it my fault I was taught to have no emotions? No, I can't be held responsible, I won't be held responsible; after all I was just a kid.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare.
I'm just a kid; I know that it's not fair.
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is.
Having more fun then me tonight

What the hell is wrong with me?- Since when did I ever try and dodge the blame? I don't hate them for not coming over, or for speaking or getting in touch with me over the holidays. I can't hate them; I don't blame them at all.

I guess I'm not as cold and emotionless then I thought, I have feelings, and when people start to give up on you and disappear, it really hurts…I would know, I've felt it. Pain is not the best emotion to feel but at least I can feel it. Maybe in time I can learn to feel a little more but from who, and how? How can I learn to feel when after all these years I've pushed everyone away and have felt nothing?

I wonder what they thought of me as, probably a cold and anti-social bastard. They once said that I was the strongest on the team, that I was reliable and always there to pull them out of a tough situation, it makes me wonder how they could be so damn blind. I'm a fucking hypocrite; I'm a social-misfit, a lonely kid that the world seems to be out to get. What could I have done to have a fate that is like this? Is it karma? - It can't be, all this started before I even did anything wrong. This loneliness and this feeling of being forsaken and forgotten, hurts so much sometimes.

What the hell is wrong with me?
Don't fit in with anybody
how did this happen to me?
Wide-awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
and every night is the worst night ever

Each day just seems to drag at my existence and it's my fault cause I'm too damn stubborn to change or admit weakness and ask for help. Is it me? Yes, of course it's me; it can't be the whole damn world so it has to be me.

They're somewhere out there laughing and playing and I'm here rotting in my own room. Forgotten and forsaken. Maybe they don't know it but I've never actually shown much emotion and I've always wanted my own breathing space. To tell the truth I do prefer my own company but no one wants to be completely alone I just wanted them to know when to back off.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare.
I'm just a kid; I know that it's not fair.
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is.
Having more fun then me tonight
I'm just a kid

I was just a kid, I'm still just a kid and I'm already world-weary. I was just a kid, I'm still just a kid but I never had the chance to hang out and make friends, get drunk and do all the other stuff kids should get to do. Inside I know I'll always be that lonely child no matter how many years pass by I'll still be that kid who got screwed over by the world.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare.
I'm just a kid; I know that it's not fair.
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is.
Having more fun then me tonight

Can they forgive me? Should they forgive me? If they were my friends wouldn't they forgive me?

I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
'Coz I'm just a kid tonight