Chapter 15: The Veil
Shepard found herself sitting in the co-pilot's chair staring at Joker. She was remembering her dream. The dream she had where she was dying. The dream where she was dying because Joker refused to leave the cockpit when the Normandy was being ripped apart.
"Uh, Commander? You've been staring at me for five minutes now. It's getting a little creepy," Joker said as his eyes flicked over to her and then back to his control panel.
"Sorry, Joker. I was lost in thought. Remembering a dream I had. Well, a nightmare really," Shepard said.
"So you're saying I remind you of a nightmare? Come on, Commander, I'm not that hideous," Joker said.
Shepard chuckled, "Nah, you're not. Kinda cute even, but with that award winning personality of yours… well, I'm sure you've made a few children cry in your time."
Joker reached over and flipped the comm switch before stoically speaking, "Attention everyone. Commander Shepard thinks I'm cute."
Shepard's raucous laughter filled every room of the ship before Joker could switch the comm back off. Joker stayed quiet while Shepard wiped tears from her eyes and fought to control her laughter. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, but went no further.
"You ass," she managed between fits of laughter.
"So what was this nightmare?" Joker asked giving her another glance; his hands never stopped moving over the controls.
That sobered Shepard up better than if he had tossed a glass of ice water in her face. She stared out at the stars in silence. Joker didn't press the issue, he had learned enough about the woman to know that she sometimes took time to process her thoughts before speaking. If she didn't want to tell him, she wasn't afraid to say so.
"I was dying. The ship had been destroyed and I was floating away in space," Shepard finally said.
Shepard turned her head to look at Joker. He met her eyes briefly, his face still expressionless.
"That sucks," he said.
"There was, uh, time for me to get out but I stopped to help someone else to an escape pod. I was going to get in with them, but I was hit by debris and knocked back. I grabbed the wall but I was losing my grip and I had no way to push myself back to the shuttle. So I uh, I hit the eject button and saved them instead," she said, the last part nearly a whisper.
Joker hit a couple of buttons on the console turning on the autopilot before giving her his full attention, "Let me guess. It was me? I had half a dozen broken bones and couldn't get to the shuttle on my own. That's why you're sitting up here staring at me. Your subconscious is afraid that my Vrolik's syndrome is going to endanger you and the ship. Well, Commander, that's crap. I am –"
Shepard cut him off, "You weren't hurt. Well, you were by the time I dragged you away from the cockpit."
Joker's furrowed brow deepened, "What do you mean?"
"You wouldn't leave, Joker. You thought you could save the Normandy and you wouldn't leave even when half the ship was already missing. I had to make you leave," Shepard said letting the back of her head hit the headrest.
"So you had a dream that you died because, what, I'm an ass who's overly attached to my ship?" Joker asked.
"No, I had a dream that I died because I'm stubborn and wouldn't leave your sorry ass behind. It was my choice," Shepard said rolling her head to the side to watch him.
"So, what about the Normandy? You let my baby crash and burn?" Joker asked.
Shepard stood and patted Joker on his shoulder, "Afraid so."
"Damn, Commander. I don't think I can forgive you for that one," Joker said.
She chuckled and headed towards the CIC. She was halfway to the stairs when Joker's voice came over the comm again.
"Attention everyone. The Commander thinks I'm cute and has been having dreams about me," he said.
Shepard froze with a look of mortification on her face. She hurried to the galaxy map and pushed the comm button on the console.
"Seriously, Joker?" she said.
"Crashed and burned, Commander. Crashed. And. Burned," Joker said.
"Ass," Shepard said before releasing the comm button.
Navigator Pressly ducked his head to hide his grin when Shepard swept her eyes over the CIC. Several others kept their eyes glued on their stations looking far busier than they ever had before. Shaking her head she turned back to the stairs and went to the middle deck.
She saw Ashley standing with Kaidan, they both turned to look at her with grins. Shepard threw her arms up in the air.
"He's completely twisting my words," Shepard said.
"Commander, I would like to remind you that everything is recorded in the cockpit for safety and quality assurance," Joker's voice came over the comm.
"Joker!" Shepard whined towards the nearest camera.
Joker's soft chuckling could be heard before the comm went silent again. Shepard turned to Ashley and Kaidan. Their faces were red with suppressed laughter. Shepard threw her hands up again in defeat. She went to her cabin and just before the door slid closed she heard them laughing. A few minutes later there was a soft knock at her door.
"It's open," Shepard looked up from her desk.
The door slid open and Liara walked in, "Hello, Shepard. I was wondering if you have a moment to talk?"
"If this is about Joker's little announcements, then no, no I do not," Shepard said.
"What? No, this has nothing to do with Joker. I think that was completely inappropriate of him. Whatever relationship the two of you have is not the business of the rest of the ship. I am sorry that he did that to you," Liara said.
Shepard laughed, "Liara… there's nothing going on between Joker and I. He was just being an ass. Twisting my words, and making a joke out of them."
"Oh, I see," Liara said quietly.
"Have a seat, Liara. What can I do for you?" Shepard asked.
"Thank you, Shepard," Liara said pulling up a chair. "After Feros, when we joined minds, I was so overtaken by the data from the prothean beacon that at first I did not notice that there was something else present, just around the edges of your mind."
Liara… are you talking about us? Did you see us? Oh please gods…
"What do you mean? Like I was thinking about something else or…" Shepard trailed off.
"No, not exactly. It is difficult to explain and at first when it occurred to me I thought that I must be mistaken. I think the best way that I can describe it is that there was something shrouding your conscience. Like a veil worn over ones face," Liara said.
This is perfect. Maybe I can talk to her. Maybe we can tell Liara that we're here.
"Liara, I'm not sure I understand what you mean," Shepard admitted.
"That is the beauty of this: neither do I! It was unlike anything I have ever seen before, but I was through this… veil and into the prothean data so fast I did not even notice it was there. Shepard, with your permission, I would like for us to join minds again," Liara said.
Heat crept into Shepard's face, turning her cheeks pink, "Liara… I mean, I'm curious to know… but I mean, isn't that a rather intimate thing for asari?"
Liara's own cheeks darkened, "Oh, well yes. I mean no. Not exactly. There is more to it than… there requires a certain level of… intent, for it to be… never mind, Shepard. I am sorry to have bothered you."
What the fuck, Dawn? Gods damn it, no! Make her stay, make her stay!
Liara stood to leave but Shepard stopped her, "Liara, wait. I'm sorry. That was rude and presumptuous of me. Please, stay. I'd like to uh, you know, join with you to figure out whatever we can."
"Are you sure, Shepard? I do not wish to cause you any discomfort," Liara said hesitantly.
"I'm sure. I trust you, Liara," Shepard said with a smile.
Liara's face lit up with excitement as she settled back into the chair across from Shepard.
"I want you to try to quiet your mind as much as you can. Do not think of anything in particular. If a thought arises, do not cling to it. Do you think you can do that, Shepard?" Liara asked.
Shepard shrugged, "I can try."
Liara smiled indulgently before taking Shepard's hands into her own, "Clear your mind. Embrace eternity!"
Shepard felt Liara's mind brush gently against her own before retreating again to the outer edges of her awareness. Liara, can you hear us? Shepard's mind flowed, flittering from random thought to random thought. I am – we are – Shepard. All of us. Past incarnations, I guess. Reports that needed to be filed, the feel of Garrus' breath against her ear, the varren attacking Tali, the last words she spoke to her mother. Liara if you can hear this, we need your help. Keeping her mind quiet was far more difficult than she had imagined. I've been living the same few years over and over, fighting this same war over and over. Liara's consciousness brushed against her own again as if in silent reminder. Only to die in the end and wake back up – in a new body, but always Commander Shepard – always still me. Shepard tried to let the thoughts go as they came and felt Liara's mind retreat once more. We wake up at the beginning, where it all started just before coming to the Normandy. It wasn't long before another thought would raise unbidden, curiosity as to why an asari's eyes turn black for the joining, that she had forgotten to give Liara the last batch of artifacts for study, the way Kaidan had shifted into Ashley when he looked at her with disgust. Trapped, our warnings unheard, in the back of the new Shepard's mind. Eventually, the thoughts came less frequently and were more subdued as they passed through her consciousness. This is the first time we've made any progress. We need you to hear us. We need to break the cycle so this can end and we can rest. The occasional brushing of Liara's mind and the feel of her hands in her own were the only reminder that Liara was still there. We're tired, Liara. So, so tired. Pleas, can you hear us? Shepard felt a sense of tranquility.
LISTEN TO ME!
Pain lanced through Shepard's mind as she heard the voices screaming. She started to pull away from Liara but Liara's hands clamped down on Shepard's holding her still as she struggled to maintain the joining.
She heard Liara's voice in her mind, "Shepard, please, you cannot pull away. It would be most unpleasant for us both, possibly even causing you damage. There is something… something here. I can hear it like a thousand voices whispering. I cannot quite make out –"
Shepard thought frantically at Liara, "Liara the screaming. Oh gods, the screaming. I heard it. It's screaming in my head."
YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME OR THIS WILL NEVER END! WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO BREAK THE CYCLE.
Shepard began to tremble with the pain; tears began streaming down her face.
"Oh Goddess. Shepard, I am so sorry. I am letting you go now," Liara's voice spoke in her mind.
Liara withdrew, ending the joining and opened her eyes. She saw Shepard slump forward and caught her before she could hit the floor.
"Shepard! Shepard, oh Goddess, you're bleeding. Shepard can you hear me? Shepard?" Liara screamed.
Shepard could barely hear Liara's voice; she sounded a million miles away. She couldn't respond; her head was filled with a searing, white-hot pain. There was a sound like insects buzzing around in her skull. It hurt. Oh gods, it hurt.
Liara laid Shepard down on the floor and ran to slap her hand against the comm link next to the door. She didn't wait for Joker to respond before yelling through the system.
"Joker, get Dr. Chakwas in here now!" Liara let go of the button and ran back to kneel beside Shepard.
Liara was gently stroking Shepard's face and brushing her hair back while cooing softly when Dr. Chakwas rushed into the room. Liara didn't turn to look at the other woman; instead she kept her eyes locked on Shepard as tears fell from her face.
"Liara, what happened?" Dr. Chakwas said as she immediately rushed to Shepard's side.
The doctor checked for a pulse before opening her omni-tool to scan Shepard.
"There was something… I found something… we were joined and… I do not know! I do not know! She said it hurt, she said it was screaming in her mind so I let the connection go and… and she was trembling, crying. She fell over and blood started coming from her nose. I – I – I did not mean to harm her. I do not know how this happened!" Liara broke down into frantic sobs.
"Alenko!" Dr. Chakwas turned to yell at the open door.
He must have been hovering nearby because less than a second passed before he was ducking his head into the room.
"Kaidan, I need you to call one of the female crew in… no, get Ashley and Tali. Then I need you to get Liara out of here. Take her back to the mess hall and get her a cup of tea," Dr. Chakwas ordered.
Ashley stepped past Kaidan and into the room, "I'm here, ma'am. What do you need me to do?"
Kaidan said, "Yes ma'am. I'll have Joker call Tali up right away, ma'am."
Joker's voice came through the comm, "Already called her, she's on her way."
Ashley and Kaidan both moved into the room. Dr. Chakwas rattled off a list of supplies for Ashely to gather from the med bay while Kaidan tried to soothe Liara.
Kaidan slid an arm around Liara and whispered quietly to her, "Liara, Shepard will be alright. You'll see. Dr. Chakwas will take good care of her. Come on now, come with me. Let's go get you some hot tea and let Dr. Chakwas work."
Liara sobbed and shook her head, "No I cannot leave her like this. This is my fault. I pressed too hard."
"Ah, come on now. We both know that Shepard is tougher than that. Up you go," Kaidan said sliding his arm underneath Liara's and lifting her to her feet.
Liara made one last noise of protestation but did not fight Kaidan as he led her from the room.
Tali rushed in, nearly running the pair over as they left. She zeroed in on Shepard's still form right away and was next to her before Dr. Chakwas even knew she was in the room.
"What happened, Doctor? What do you need?" Tali asked.
Dr. Chakwas was holding Shepard's head still between her hands. She looked up at Tali and started giving her directions.
"Unclear. I need you to open her omni-tool for me," she paused while Tali complied, "Good. Now I need you to find and open the application called Vitals."
Tali skimmed through the omni-tool screens before pressing a button. The holographic screen widened and took on the appearance of a hospital monitor showing Shepard's current blood pressure, heart rate, blood oxygen levels, and core temperature. Ashely arrived back in the room carrying a long plastic board, straps, pieces of foam, a gown, medical tape, and a pair of scissors.
"Tali, close that door we're going to need some privacy," Dr. Chakwas said.
Tali did as the doctor requested without question. Dr. Chakwas had begun stabilizing Shepard's head and neck with Ashley's help.
"Tali, can you remove her boots? Williams, you're going to have to cut her shirt off. Her pants can be removed normally if you're careful to not jostle her around," Dr. Chakwas said.
The three women set to work undressing Shepard down to just her panties and socks. Ashley understood perfectly the reasoning behind every request that Dr. Chakwas made, she was a solider and all Alliance soldiers were trained in basic first aid at the very least. Tali on the other hand, was completely baffled when asked to help disrobe Shepard but she did not hesitate to follow the orders.
"OK, Tali, when I count to three, Ashley and I are going to roll Shepard onto her side. When we do, I need you to slide that board under her as far as you can. Understood?" Dr. Chakwas asked.
"Yes, Doctor," Tali said getting the board lined up in place.
Ashley moved to Dr. Chakwas' side and slid a hand under Shepard's opposite hip while grabbing the knee of the same leg. Dr. Chakwas placed a hand under Shepard's shoulder and the other under her ribs.
"OK. One, two, three," Dr. Chakwas said.
Ashley and Dr. Chakwas lifted together and Tali slid the board into place. They gently lowered her back onto the board centering her as much as they could without risking further injury. Dr. Chakwas gave Tali the hospital gown to slip over Shepard's arms while she taped the foam head supports down to the board. Ashley began sliding the straps through the handholds on the board. Once her gown was on and tucked in around her, Dr. Chakwas and Ashley strapped her down.
"Ashley, watch her vitals. I'm going to go prep the med bay and grab some extra hands to help you carry her," Dr. Chakwas said grabbing the loose supplies from the floor and leaving the room.
A moment later Kaidan and Garrus entered.
"Spirits…" Garrus whispered.
Together, the four of them lifted the board with Shepard securely on top of it and carried her to the med bay. Liara let out a whimper when they moved past her. Wrex was standing against the wall next to the med bay watching the procession; ready to move in if he was needed. They sat the board down on one of the beds in the med bay and Dr. Chakwas shooed everyone but Ashley and Tali out of the room.
"She's losing consciousness…" Dr. Chakwas' voice broke through the terrible buzzing in Shepard's mind.
"You… she was… this whole time?" Shepard thought she heard Tali's voice.
"… afraid…" Dr. Chakwas' voice was the last thing Shepard heard before the blissful silence.
A steady, rhythmic beeping pulled Shepard to consciousness. Her head throbbed in sync with the nuisance. Her mouth and throat were completely parched. How much did I drink last night, Shepard thought. She tried to move her hand to stop the alarm from sounding but found she couldn't.
"Try not to move, Commander," a woman's voice said.
Shepard groaned and forced her eyes open. She flinched and blinked against the harsh light until her eyes adjusted. She saw Dr. Chakwas standing over her, omni-tool open as she ran scans.
"Dr. Chakwas?" Shepard said.
"Yes dear. You're in the med bay. I've got you strapped down for your own safety. I'm running a scan now to see if it is safe to remove the straps. I can't risk you injuring yourself further," Dr. Chakwas said.
"My safety? What… what the hell happened?" Shepard demanded.
Dr. Chakwas closed her omni-tool and began removing the straps across Shepard's legs and torso, "The best I have been able to determine from Liara's reports is that she discovered something unusual in your mind during the joining after Feros. She sought you out and with your permission; she linked her consciousness to yours again to see if she could determine the nature of the anomaly."
"I – yes, I remember that," Shepard managed.
"During the joining, you began to struggle and she tried to warn you that it could damage you if you pulled away before she released you. She said that you then told her that it hurt and you could hear screaming in your mind. She said you began to tremble, and she released you right away," Dr. Chakwas paused to remove the tape holding Shepard's head to the pieces of foam.
"She said tears were streaming down your face and you collapsed. She caught you and helped you to the floor, where your nose started to bleed. She could not get you to respond to her, so she contacted Joker and told him to call me," Dr. Chakwas said.
"It hurt. I remember it hurt so bad. Far worse than being shot," Shepard said.
"Commander, I don't know exactly what happened, but whatever it was it caused severe inflammation in your brain. It is significantly reduced now, though you will probably feel terrible for a few days. You'll need to take it easy for now. Do you think you feel like trying to sit up?" Dr. Chakwas asked.
"Yeah. I need water," Shepard said.
Dr. Chakwas helped her to a sitting position before pouring her a glass of water, "Drink it slowly, Commander. Just a few sips for now."
Shepard fought the urge to guzzle the water against doctor's orders. She took a few sips and handed the cup back.
"Did you cut my shirt off?" Shepard asked.
Dr. Chakwas laughed, "Yes, Commander. It was necessary. I assume you have plenty more?"
Shepard grunted, "That was my favorite."
"It was standard Alliance casual, Commander. They're all identical," Dr. Chakwas said reproachfully.
"Yeah, but that one was well worn and comfortable," Shepard grumbled.
Dr. Chakwas made a huffing noise and shook her head.
"How long was I out for, doc?" Shepard asked.
"Roughly thirty-eight hours," she said.
The door to Liara's office slid open. Shepard turned her head to look and the room started spinning.
"Careful now, Commander. Slow movements. Especially of your head," Dr. Chakwas warned putting a steadying hand on Shepard's shoulder.
Shepard closed her eyes until the vertigo subsided. When she opened them again, Liara was at her side with tears in her eyes.
"Commander, it is good to see you awake. How are you feeling?" Liara asked.
"Like I had far too much to drink last night," Shepard said with the best smile she could muster.
Liara chuckled but then the tears in her eyes renewed, "Shepard… I am so sorry. I had no idea…"
"Liara, hey, hey. This wasn't your fault. C'mere," Shepard held her arm out to Liara.
Liara stepped into the offered embrace, gently wrapping her arms around Shepard.
"I'm going to be fine. Trust me, this isn't even the worst I've had," Shepard said.
"Well that is certainly no lie," said Dr. Chakwas.
Liara nodded and pulled away from Shepard. She sniffled once and wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Is there anything that you need? Anything that I can do for you, Shepard?" Liara asked.
"Yeah, you can go tell all the slackers out there that I'm up and they better get back to work. Oh, and bring me my laptop. I doubt Dr. Chakwas is going to let me out of this bed yet," Shepard glanced up to see Dr. Chakwas shake her head, "but that doesn't mean I can't still be productive."
"Of course, Shepard," Liara said leaving the room.
Dr. Chakwas moved back to Shepard's side, "So, are we not going to talk about the elephant in the room?"
"I don't see any elephant," Shepard smirked.
"Commander, you told Liara you heard voices screaming in your head," Dr. Chakwas said crossing her arms.
"Oh, that elephant," Shepard mumbled.
"Yes, that elephant," Dr. Chakwas watched Shepard quietly for a moment before continuing, "What were these voices saying, Commander?"
Shepard reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose, squeezing her eyes closed, "Something about breaking a cycle. I'm not really sure, it was so loud. Like having a stadium full of people yelling inside my head."
Shepard looked up at Dr. Chakwas who was taking notes on her omni-tool.
"Commander, with your permission I would like to consult with another doctor. She is an asari who has specialized in human psychology. She has had great success using the joining with her patients to help them to overcome mental illnesses," Dr. Chakwas said.
"So… you do think I'm crazy, then," Shepard was crestfallen.
"No, Commander. I do not. No mental illness would have caused this. Still, considering we do not understand really what it is that we're dealing with here I think it is important that we call in someone who might be able to provide us some level of insight. It will also help later down the line, should I be called into question for the way I handled your case to have a second outside source involved," Dr. Chakwas said.
"Dr. Chakwas, I'm not sure about bringing in unknown quantities. If word of this got out…,"Shepard said.
"I trust this woman, implicitly. She and I have worked together in the past and I consider her to be a trusted colleague and friend. I firmly believe that there is more risk involved by not bringing her in, Commander," Dr. Chakwas insisted.
Shepard sighed, "Alright, I guess. Sure."
"Thank you, Commander. I will contact Dr. Tulina right away. I expect she will be more than willing to charter a shuttle to bring her right to us," Dr. Chakwas said.
"Where are we, doc?" Shepard asked.
"Still in the Attican Beta cluster. Joker took us to the last destination you entered before you were hurt. We're in the Hercules system. Joker has us orbiting Eletania. He said that you were contacted by Alliance Command?" Dr. Chakwas said.
"Yeah, they wanted me to look into a surveillance drone that was shot down. Joker must have taken the liberty of scanning for it while I was out," Shepard said.
"Indeed. It seems you have made quite the impression on our pilot, Commander," Dr. Chakwas said.
"Why, because he flew us where I told him, too? Because, you know, that's kinda his job…" Shepard said.
"No, because I've never seen Joker leave that cockpit if he didn't have to," Dr. Chakwas said, "But he came down here to sit with you while you were out. Granted he didn't really say much. He just sat next to your bed drinking coffee – to spite me, no doubt and read a book. The old kind from Earth – with actual paper. I haven't a clue where he got it. Anyway, he sat there for about an hour or so and then stood up without a word, patted your shoulder and left."
Shepard smiled before laying her head back against the pillow.
"You know, you really should find him a medication that doesn't make him have to pee so often," Shepard said.
Dr. Chakwas laughed, "He's such a big baby. He finds something to complain about with every medication we've tried. No, I'm afraid this one has provided the best results. At least when he remembers to take it."
Shepard lifted a palm before letting it drop back down to the bed, "I tried. Do me a favor, doc? Let him know I'm up. Liara probably won't think to go to tell him."
"Of course, Commander," Dr. Chakwas said.
Liara returned a few minutes later with Kaidan. Kaidan was carrying Shepard's laptop in his arms and Liara was carrying a covered tray. Liara sat the tray down on a side table before pulling a hospital bedside table over to Shepard, sliding the legs of it under her bed and adjusting it to her height. Kaidan put the laptop down next to the tray Liara brought in and moved to stand next to Shepard.
"Commander, you gave us all quite a scare. How are you feeling?" Kaidan asked.
"Hungover," Shepard said simply.
Kaidan smiled, "Yeah I hear Dr. Chakwas said you'll probably feel like crap for a few days."
"Yeah, but I'll be back on my feet by tomorrow," Shepard said.
"No, you most certainly will not! You need to stay in this bed at least two more days, Commander," Dr. Chakwas chastised.
"I'm sure someone will bust me out of this joint," Shepard winked conspiratorially at Kaidan making him chuckle.
"I don't know, Commander. I think Dr. Chakwas might be just a tad scarier than you. I mean, she has syringes and scalpels. You only have guns and biotics," Kaidan said.
"Pffft. What's the matter, Kaidan? Afraid you might wake up a little less of a man than you were before she got a hold of you?" Shepard teased.
A delicate gasp escaped Liara's lips as her cheeks darkened. Shepard couldn't help but to laugh which she instantly regretted. She winced and grabbed her forehead. Dr. Chakwas started to fill a syringe with a clear liquid from a small vial.
"No, doc, nothing that strong. I'm finally awake, I want to stay that way," Shepard said.
"If you insist," Dr. Chakwas said putting the vial and syringe aside before moving to riffle through the contents of a shelf, "Here, it's a stronger version of the same patches I've been giving you for your headaches. It won't make you drowsy."
Shepard nodded and let the doctor place the patch behind her ear. Liara sat the tray down in front of Shepard and uncovered a bowl of fresh fruit, hot tea, and a bran muffin. Shepard crinkled her nose.
"What? No bacon and eggs?" Shepard said.
"No, Commander. Dr. Chakwas informed me that you are to only have mild foods to start. I do not believe we even have bacon and eggs anyway. I was happy to find fresh fruit in the stasis chamber of the refrigerator," Liara said.
Shepard grunted and looked at Dr. Chakwas like she was a traitor.
The doctor only gave her a motherly smile and said, "Eat it slowly. If you start to feel sick at all let me know."
The day was spent in boredom, filling out overdue reports and browsing the extranet. Shepard found several videos of predators from Earth and other human colonies to send to Wrex. He responded to one saying that if krogan new how to swim, he'd have fun ripping apart a shark. Another message from him later requested that they take a trip to Earth someday so he could fight a polar bear. Shepard told him that the polar bears were nearly extinct and protected by Earth's federal laws. He told her that only meant that they had to make sure no one else ever found out.
Her crew showed up throughout the day to check on her. Liara came and went, fretting over her like a mother hen. Garrus sat with her for quite a while mostly talking shop about weapons and retelling stories of his days in C-Sec. His eyes stayed glued to her the entire time like she might disappear if he looked away. He only left when Ashley came in to bring her lunch and talk about her sisters. Shepard wondered if those two would ever really grow to be comfortable around one another.
Tali came by in the afternoon, "Commander Shepard, I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. Every time I stopped by someone else was already in here and Dr. Chakwas said it was important that you not be overwhelmed with too many visitors at once. Do you feel up for some company now?"
"Hey, Tali! It's good to see you. Of course, come sit with me," Shepard patted the edge of her bed and grinned. "I hear you got your first eyeful of a mostly naked human. Hope it wasn't too traumatic for you."
"Traumatic? Shepard, please," Tali waved a dismissive hand in the air, "The only thing traumatic about it was reconciling the idea that it was safe for you to be without your suit – I mean clothes. To undress a sick or injured quarian outside of complete quarantine would be the same as signing their death warrant. Besides, from what I saw, your body is really not that different from my own."
"Uh, good to know. I guess. Anyway, thanks for helping out. Dr. Chakwas said she was impressed with your composure during the whole thing. She wondered if you had medical training on the flotilla," Shepard said.
"Everyone on the flotilla has some level of training, but it only really applies to helping injured quarians. Because of our immune systems, it's necessary that every quarian know how to handle themselves in a medical emergency and to be prepared to help however they can. I was honored that Dr. Chakwas asked for my aid," Tali said.
Wrex was the next to make his way in to the med bay. He said that Tali yelled at him on her way back down to Engineering until he agreed to come up in person. Shepard had to fight the urge to laugh. The ache in her head was finally starting to dissipate and she didn't want to aggravate it again. He didn't stay long, though. He was clearly uncomfortable in the brightly lit, sterile environment and Wrex was never big on small talk.
On his way out he said, "I can't believe you're still lying around, Shepard. We've got work to do."
"I know, Wrex. I know. Doctor's orders. I'll be up soon and we'll be back to blowing the heads off of geth in no time," Shepard said.
Wrex grunted, "Good."
The door opened to reveal Joker limping towards the med bay carrying two cups of steaming coffee. Joker didn't pause as he made his way past the looming krogan.
"Pilot," Wrex said.
"Mercenary," Joker said.
Wrex chuckled and left the med bay. Joker slowly made his way over to Shepard and carefully set one of the cups down next to her laptop. Shepard's eyes lit up as she lifted the steaming cup to her lips and inhaled the rich scent. Joker set his own cup down on the small table next to the chair sitting beside her bed before carefully lowering himself into it. He lifted his cup up in salute before taking a sip.
"So, not dead," Joker said.
"Not dead," Shepard agreed.
"I was half convinced this was a sick prank you were pulling as pay back for my liberal use of the intercom," Joker said.
Shepard chuckled, "You think I'd let them cut up my favorite shirt and sit around in this bed just to get one over on you? Your ego's even bigger than I thought."
Joker's lip twitched, "Wishful thinking, I suppose."
"Wasn't sure Dr. Chakwas would let you have coffee. She always yells at me for drinking it, but she said it has anti-inflammatory qualities or some crap. Said it might actually be good for you right now, if your stomach could handle it," Joker said.
"Caffeine is supposed to have negative effects on bone density," Shepard said taking another sip.
"Thank you, Commander," Dr. Chakwas said over her shoulder from her spot at her desk.
"Don't encourage the tyrant, Commander," Joker said.
Dr. Chakwas scoffed.
"So who's flying the ship?" Shepard asked.
"It's on auto. We're in orbit, but I stuck Kaidan in the co-pilot's seat to watch things before I came down here," Joker responded.
"You scanned the system while I was out?" Shepard asked.
"Yeah, figured it's what you would have had me do anyway. Picked up the signal on Eletania. No sign of geth, or any other activity in the space around us so put us in orbit. I've got constant monitoring up, so we'll be alerted if anyone else comes around. We can sit here for as long as you need," Joker said.
"Thanks, Joker," Shepard took another sip of her coffee.
"Just doing my job, ma'am," he said.
"I don't think bringing your bedridden Commander coffee and coming to sit by her side while she's unconscious is in your job description, but I'll be happy to put it there if it makes you feel better," Shepard smiled.
Joker smirked, "Only if it comes with a pay raise."
They finished their coffee in the comfortable silence they were used to sharing with one another. When Shepard put her empty cup down, Joker pulled himself up from the chair and took her cup.
"I'd better get back up there, Commander. See ya," Joker said as he made slow progress towards the door.
"Later, Joker," she said.
An hour later, even with the caffeine pumping through her system, Shepard fell into a fitful sleep. She dreamt she was surrounded by swarms of insects, their buzzing filling her ears and rattling around in her skull. She saw people standing in odd positons, frozen like statues. Their bodies flickered with a strange light and thick, black tendrils of shadow licked and swirled around them.
Shepard was woken the next morning by the sounds of voices in her room. The buzzing still sounded in her mind. It waxed and waned, filling her head one moment and then barely recognizable the next. She opened her eyes to see Dr. Chakwas talking to an asari she had never seen before. When Shepard shifted to sit up, the two other women turned to look at her before walking over to her bed.
"Commander Shepard, this is Dr. Tulina. She has agreed to consult on your case and to stay aboard the Normandy for as long as you agree to her presence here," Dr. Chakwas said.
Shepard looked over the asari doctor, taking in her sapphire skin and her dusty rose markings that lined her head and face. The doctor stood silently with her hands clasped in front of her. A soft smile touched her lips. She held herself with that presence of ancient wisdom and calm that the asari were so good at portraying.
"Hello, Dr. Tulina. Thank you for coming on such short notice," Shepard managed.
"It is an honor to be asked to serve aboard a Spectre ship, even if only temporarily. Dr. Chakwas and I are old friends, so naturally I am pleased that she has trusted me enough to handle your delicate situation. I wish to assure you, her trust was not misplaced. I will help in whatever way that I can, and will tell no one of anything that I learn here until asked by Dr. Chakwas or yourself to do so," Dr. Tulina said.
"I'm glad to hear that, Doctor," Shepard said.
"I will need some time to review your files but if I understand what Dr. Chakwas told me, you were joined with another asari when this incident occurred. Is this correct?" Dr. Tulina asked.
"Yeah, Dr. Liara T'soni. She's here helping me on my mission. Her office is right over there," Shepard pointed to the door at the fare end of the med bay.
"Excellent, then with your permission, I would like to speak with Dr. T'soni about what she experienced with the joining. If you both consent, I would like to join with Dr. T'soni to review her experience as she recalls it in her mind. I do not think at this time it would be wise to attempt any further joining with your own mind until we understand more about what is happening," Dr. Tulina said.
Shepard nodded slowly, "Yeah, sure. If she's OK with it."
"I'll go get Dr. T'soni," Dr. Chakwas said turning towards Liara's office.
"Dr. Chakwas has assured me that she has no reason to suspect that you are suffering from any mental illness. She has briefly informed me of your experience with the prothean beacon, and the accompanying side effects that you have experienced," Dr. Tulina paused. "She would like, however, for me to evaluate you from a psychological standpoint keeping your medical history and interaction with the beacon in mind. This is a formality, I assure you. To assure that we have covered all of our bases, as you humans say."
Shepard groaned but nodded her assent.
"Excellent, we will plan on performing the full evaluation tomorrow morning after I have had the opportunity to read your files and speak with Dr. T'soni. This will also allow your body more time to recover," Dr. Tulina said.
Dr. Chakwas returned with Liara. Shepard watched as the two asari bowed their heads to one another and introductions were made. Liara seemed more than happy to do whatever Dr. Tulina asked of her if it would help Shepard. She could tell that Liara still felt responsible for whatever had happened and the asari wasn't going to let go of that very easily. The two asari retreated to Liara's office to talk further, and Shepard supposed, to join minds in private.
While they were gone, Shepard convinced Dr. Chakwas to let her get out of the bed and take back her dignity by using the restroom on her own. Shepard waited while Dr. Chakwas unhooked the IV from the drip and taped the small plastic tube to her arm so it wouldn't be in the way. Dr. Chakwas stood next to Shepard, her hands out ready to stabilize her in case she started to fall. Shepard threw the sheet back and let her legs slide over the edge of the bed. She fought back the dizzy feeling as her body changed positions and tried to ignore the faint buzzing in her head. After a few seconds she slid forward and let her feet touch the floor before pushing away from the bed.
Shepard took her time making her way to the restroom with Dr. Chakwas by her side the entire time. She was grateful for the supportive presence, but was annoyed when the doctor insisted on going into the restroom with Shepard. At least she didn't try to help her onto the toilet, Shepard thought.
When she was finished they made their way slowly back to Shepard's bed. She hated herself for feeling relief when she lowered herself back down to the thin mattress. Dr. Chakwas flushed her IV with saline before reestablishing the drip and then went to go get Shepard breakfast.
A long hour passed before Liara and Dr. Tulina came back into the med bay. Liara seemed far more relaxed than she did when they went in so Shepard supposed that was a good sign. Dr. Chakwas looked up from her desk and met Dr. Tulina's gaze. For the briefest of moments Shepard thought she saw something pass between the two. A look of particular fondness and familiarity that went beyond mere colleagues or even friendship. Oh my, Dr. Chakwas, Shepard thought with a grin.
The three doctors spent some time huddled together discussing Shepard. With the exception of the occasional glance over their shoulders in her direction, they seemed to forget that she was even there in the room. Shepard tried not to be annoyed over their secretiveness but it was getting under her skin. After a few minutes she cleared her throat.
"So? What's the word?" Shepard asked.
Liara broke away from the other two and came to Shepard's side.
"They are just discussing different possibilities. To be honest, much of what they are saying is beyond me," Liara said.
"So did you let her look in your head?" Shepard asked.
"Yes. Dr. Tulina was able to view my memories of our joining with a clarity that would be impossible to convey with simple words. She was just as baffled by what I found as I was," Liara said.
"Hey, that's good then. At least it means she doesn't think I'm crazy," Shepard smiled.
"No one here believes that you are crazy, Shepard," Liara assured her.
"There is evidence that the protheans were able to communicate memories through touch. Perhaps, when you encountered the beacon, you picked up other latent memories?" Liara offered.
"I don't think that's what this is, Liara. The things I've been seeing and doing… they're all related to my life not a prothean's. And memories couldn't account for knowing what's about to happen before it does," Shepard said quietly.
Liara sighed, "I know, Shepard. I am sorry. I just wish that I had something more to offer you."
Shepard squeezed Liara's hand, "Thanks, Liara."
The rest of the day went by agonizingly slow. Dr. Tulina sat quietly at a table reading over Shepard's records. She occasionally asked Shepard, Liara, or Dr. Chakwas for clarification on something she found but otherwise she stayed quiet. Dr. Chakwas came and went checking Shepard's vitals and helping her to the bathroom when she needed to go. She even allowed Shepard to take a shower on her own. Moving around got easier each time Shepard got up, so Dr. Chakwas was contented to stay outside of the bathroom while Shepard showered as long as Shepard left the door cracked.
Shepard had assumed that the near constant buzzing in her head was a side effect of the inflammation. When she asked Dr. Chakwas how long that should last, Shepard was told that it was not related to the brain inflammation and was scolded for not telling Dr. Chakwas about it sooner. Shepard then spent twenty minutes going over a checklist of symptoms with Dr. Chakwas because she couldn't convince the woman that there wasn't anything else she was forgetting to tell her.
Shepard was glad when it was late enough that she could justify going to sleep for the night. She settled into the bed and pulled the blankets up under her chin. The incessant buzzing was actually somehow comforting, lulling Shepard to sleep before long.
She was in the Mako, driving across the mossy surface of a planet. She had come to collect the data module from a downed surveillance drone for the Alliance. Her scanners picked up an anomaly nearby, so she veered the Mako towards it. In the distance, she could see prothean ruins. As they got closer she could see a large, metallic orb floating in the center. Liara would never forgive her if she didn't check it out. She pulled over and left the Mako. A slot in the orb drew her attention and she risked the biohazard of the planet long enough to take off a gauntlet so she could fit the small trinket the asari Consort had given her into the slot.
Dawn Shepard's wounded subconscious scrabbled for answers breaking into her dream, "What's this, where am I?"
"Eletania," a voice whispered in response.
"Who is that? Who's there?" Shepard asked.
"Dawn?! Dawn can you hear me?" the whispering voice asked.
"Show yourself, damn it!" Shepard roared.
He was chasing monkeys around. Tali had gotten upset when Shepard shot one of them to make his life easier, so now he was doing this the hard way. Every damn monkey he checked didn't have the data module so they were getting back into the Mako to move to the last location. They'd programmed the scanners to track the little nuisances. Wrex called them pyjaks.
"Shepard, you have to listen to me…" the whispered voice faded into buzzing.
"What? Where are you? Listen to what?" Shepard asked.
"… cycle… keep dying… we have to make it stop!" the voice flowed in and out between the buzzing sounds.
They were deep in a mining shaft, Shepard didn't know how the monkeys had managed to get in here but they had taken over the place. Finally, one of them dropped the data module. They were leaving to go back to the Mako but were ambushed by geth. They must have come in the mine behind Shepard's team.
"What fucking cycle? And what is that gods be damned buzzing? Hello?" Shepard's subconscious yelled.
"Damn it. Can you hear me?" the voice whispered.
"Yeah, I can hear you. Who the hell are you?" Shepard demanded.
"We are you," the whispering said.
Shepard awoke with a start, sitting up in the hospital bed her eyes darted around the room frantically. Dr. Chakwas was rushing to her side, Shepard could see her mouth moving but all she could hear was the buzzing in her head. Dr. Tulina stood from her desk and crossed the room, concern written all over her face. Shepard's eyes darted between the two women. They were both talking but Shepard couldn't hear them. She closed her eyes and shook her head. When she opened them again Dr. Chakwas was scanning her with the omni-tool.
"… inflammation is down… oxygen normal… understand why…" Dr. Chakwas voice was beginning to cut through.
Dr. Tulina was reaching her hands out towards Shepard's face.
"… do it…" Dr. Chakwas voice said.
"… join…" Dr. Tulina said looking at Shepard.
Shepard nodded her head and the doctor placed her hands on her face. Shepard saw the asari's eyes turn black and she let her own eyes close. The buzzing grew louder almost to the point of pain and then suddenly it stopped. It was completely silent. Shepard couldn't hear the doctors talking or moving. She couldn't even hear her own breathing.
She was standing in emptiness, alone and blissfully silent. A figure appeared in the distance slowly walking towards Shepard. As it got closer, Shepard recognized the figure of Dr. Tulina. She stopped a few feet in front of Shepard.
"Hello, Commander Shepard," Dr. Tulina said clasping her hands in front of her.
"Dr. Tulina. What's going on, where are we?" Shepard asked.
"We are inside your mind, Commander. A temporary quiet space that I have created so that we may talk," Dr. Tulina said.
"Temporary?" Shepard asked.
"Yes, I am afraid so. When the joining ends, whatever sounds you were hearing will most likely return to you," Dr. Tulina said.
Shepard sat down and draped her arms across her knees. A moment later Dr. Tulina moved beside her and took up the same posture.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Dr. Tulina asked.
"I was dreaming about…" Shepard cut off when the nothingness shifted and she found herself sitting on the mossy ground of Eletania.
"Do not be alarmed, Shepard. This is good. This is simply your memory. It cannot harm you in any way. I was not sure if you would be able to pull up a complete recall or not. Most humans have difficulty with this," Dr. Tulina said. "In this way, I will be able to see exactly what you saw. Hear exactly what you heard, and even share in your emotional and psychological responses that you had at that time."
Shepard stayed quiet for a long moment before continuing, "I was dreaming about being in the Mako on Eletania…"
Shepard trailed off again but the memory kept going. Dr. Tulina watched as Shepard's dream played out around them. Dr. Tulina put a hand up to halt Shepard. The dream paused around them.
"Commander Shepard, is this yourself you are dreaming of?" Dr. Tulina asked.
"Yes, but I've never been here before. Why?" Shepard asked.
"Commander, look closely at what you are seeing through your dreams eyes," Dr. Tulina paused to watch Shepard.
Shepard looked at the image of her body standing in front of the orb. She didn't understand what it was the doctor wanted her to see until finally something stood out.
"Oh my gods… that's not my hand," Shepard gasped.
The offending hand in question had longer, thinner fingers and a much darker skin tone than Shepard's.
"But it's me. I can… I can feel it," Shepard said.
"Try to stay calm, Commander. Let us finish the memory," Dr. Tulina said.
Shepard stared at the hand a moment longer before the memory began to play out again. Dr. Tulina stirred beside Shepard when Shepard's voice rang out in the dream and was responded to by a second whispering voice but she stayed quiet and only observed. Shepard sat focused beside the doctor, taking in every scrap and every detail.
"That's my voice, isn't it?" Shepard asked quietly and the memory paused. "The whispering… it's my voice."
"I believe so, Commander Shepard," Dr. Tulina said.
Shepard turned to look at the woman, "What does that mean?"
"I am afraid I do not have an answer for you," Dr. Tulina said calmly.
Shepard let the memory continue. She stopped it again when the image showed her glancing down at her body. His body. It was a male's torso, not her own body by any means. Shepard put a hand over her mouth and looked at the scene for long quiet minutes.
"Is this still you that you were dreaming about, Commander?" Dr. Tulina asked quietly from beside her.
Shepard slowly shook her head. Dr. Tulina did not press Shepard, only sat quietly with her until she was ready to let the memory continue. When it did, the two voices of Shepard had returned accompanied by the buzzing Shepard had been hearing.
Shepard saw Dr. Tulina flinch when the geth showed up and paused the memory.
"Are you sure you want to see the fighting, Dr. Tulina?" Shepard asked.
"I am certain, please continue," Dr. Tulina said and so Shepard did.
The memory faded away replaced by the nothingness once more. The quiet echo of the whispering voice proclaiming 'we are you' was a bit slower to fade. Shepard and Dr. Tulina sat in silence next to each other for a few minutes before Dr. Tulina spoke.
"What does seeing this again make you think, Commander?" Dr. Tulina asked.
"That I'm far crazier than even I thought," Shepard responded.
"I do not believe that to be true, Commander. I have been inside many human minds suffering from one form of mental illness or another and yours is nothing like theirs. I felt the veil that Dr. T'soni spoke of. I built this place up around us in the small places between it and your own mind," Dr. Tulina said.
"What is it?" Shepard whispered.
"I am afraid I do not know, but I am firmly convinced of two things. The first, it was not caused by the beacon and is not of prothean origins. The second, this veil, it is a part of you yet it does not originate from you," Dr. Tulina said.
"What the hell does that mean? Like it's some kind of parasite or something?" Shepard asked.
"No, it does not have a physical existence of any sort. Every scan Dr. Chakwas has taken, every blood sample, every urine sample has been clean of any traces of anything unusual. I doubt that anything outside of joining with an asari would have ever revealed it at all," Dr. Tulina paused. "In fact, I think that any joining with any other asari besides Dr. T'soni would not have ever revealed the veil."
"What's special about Liara?" Shepard asked.
"You are what is special about Liara. Rather, you are special to Liara. Her fondness for you instilled a diligence in her that any other asari would not have had. I doubt that even I with my years of experience in my chosen field would have noted the veil had I not already seen it in Liara's mind," Dr. Tulina said.
"I had no idea I meant so much to Liara," Shepard said.
"Yes, well, perhaps that is something the two of you should discuss together?" Dr. Tulina suggested.
Shepard nodded, "So what now?"
"Now, if you will, I would like to see what happened when you woke up just before I brought you here," Dr. Tulina said.
Shepard let the memory unfold around them, her jaw clenching at the buzzing sound. When it was finished she looked to Dr. Tulina.
"You were terrified. I imagine I would have felt much the same," Dr. Tulina said softly.
"What do you think that sound is?" Shepard asked.
Dr. Tulina sat quietly in thought; she pursed her lips and tilted her head to the side.
"I think that the buzzing is the sound the whispering voice makes when it can't break through," Dr. Tulina said.
"Like static on a radio?" Shepard asked.
"Indeed. I think that you are hearing the voice when you are awake as well, but for some reason either it isn't strong enough to always be heard, or your will is too strong for it to break through," the doctor said.
"It only just started after Liara and I joined minds. The other symptoms – I assume you read about them?" Shepard paused and Dr. Tulina nodded. "They started shortly after the beacon and have grown stronger. We thought that it must be the beacon that caused them."
"The reports said that you heard a screaming in your mind during the joining. Liara heard a distant whispering that she couldn't make out," Dr. Tulina began. "It is my belief, now, that the veil took advantage of the altered state of consciousness Liara's joining induced and broke through enough to deliver a message to you. One that came in the form of screaming in your mind yet was only a passable whisper in Liara's mind. I believe that the sheer force that it must have taken the veil – perhaps we should think of another name for whatever it is – is what caused your physical symptoms."
Shepard waved her hand around, "And now that it has its foot in the door, so to speak, it isn't letting go but the door is closed enough that it can't barge through."
Dr. Tulina chuckled, "That sounds like an adequate metaphor. For what it is worth, it does not appear that it means you harm but it is desperate to be heard. My suggestion is that you learn to listen," Dr. Tulina said.
Shepard threw her head back and laughed, "You want me to listen to the voices in my head? That's priceless. Never thought I'd hear a shrink say that."
Dr. Tulina smiled, "Yes well, I suppose I am not your average 'shrink'."
"No, I suppose not," Shepard said.
Dr. Tulina rose to her feet so Shepard did the same.
"You might also try talking to it," Dr. Tulina said. "Often times when we talk, we are subconsciously admitting a willingness to also listen. It is the nature of conversation."
"What should I even say?" Shepard asked.
Dr. Tulina smirked, "You might start by asking it to stop yelling. I am sorry, but I feel myself weakening. I must retreat now and end the joining."
"Wait, Dr. Tulina. In case I'm not able to say it when this is over: thank you," Shepard said.
"It was my pleasure, Commander," Dr. Tulina said.
The figure of Dr. Tulina began to fade and with it the place of quiet nothingness.