Chapter 17: I'm Listening Now, Jane.
Save them both. She's going to try to save them both. Will that work? Even before when we've told Kirrahe that we don't put our people under someone else' command, one of them still goes.
"… tell… maybe they'll listen…," Jane's voice broke through Shepard's furious thought process.
"You think they can handle it?" Shepard asked pacing the floor of her cabin, no longer remembering to be alarmed by the fact that there was a voice talking to her inside her head.
Can they handle it? I don't fucking know! Does it matter?! They'll be alive.
"… matter… alive…," said Jane.
But really, not like I don't want to save them both – even if they aren't my most favorite people in all the worlds – but we really, really have more pressing matters to talk about. Gods damn it, why can't you hear everything I'm saying? She doesn't want to hear it, one of the broken and fragmented voices bubbled up to the surface to snag at Jane's attention. Oh, shut up! I wasn't talking to you. Dawn, listen, if you can't figure out how to break this cycle, when you die you're going to come back again. Doesn't matter, none of this is real, another voice intoned. Shhh!
"Yeah, it matters. If I tell them and they can't handle it, it could completely jeopardize the mission. I don't want either of them to die, but I can't let them stand in the way of stopping Saren," Shepard said. "What? What are you saying? I can't hear you, just all that damn buzzing. Slow down or something."
"… could jeopardize… I… know. This is… to me…," said Jane.
"Oh for the love of gods, this isn't working. I need to think about this, and it isn't doing us any good to be orbiting Eletania while I do," Shepard said leaving her cabin to head to the CIC.
No, wait! Don't shut me out. Please don't shut me out! Damn it.
Shepard pulled open the galaxy map and set a course for the Kepler Verge before making her way down to the cargo bay.
Garrus will be happy to hear this. Just don't do anything stupid and try to talk him out of killing that son-of-a-bitch. He deserves the chance to end that fucker, and Dr. Saleon definitely deserves to die. Gods, look at that. Liara is definitely right. You absolutely light up when you see him now.
"Hey, Garrus, how's it going?" Shepard asked.
"Commander, I see you've escaped the clutches of Dr. Chakwas once more," his mandibles flared.
Shepard leaned against the Mako next to Garrus, "Yeah… I'm not her favorite person right now. I'd avoid the med bay for a while if you can. She's probably looking for someone else to poke and prod instead."
"Hmmm. I'll keep that in mind. So, Shepard, how are you? I mean, really, how are you?" Garrus asked leaning against the Mako a couple of feet away from Shepard and crossing his arms.
Don't tell him you're fine. He's being genuine with you here, Dawn. Trying to make a connection. Don't shut him down. I hear the things going through your head. Dr. Tulina is nice and all, but you need someone to lean on. You need someone to trust with this, and you're drawn to him.
Garrus turned his head to look at Shepard, the iris of his visor opening and closing. He made a low humming sound that sent chills down Shepard's spine before turning his side to the Mako to face her. Garrus glanced around the cargo bay taking in the eyes that were watching the two of them. Wrex didn't seem quite as interested in their conversation, but he was more likely to hear them than Ashley was. He opened the door to the Mako and held out a hand towards the seats inside, "Tell me about it?"
It wasn't a challenge; he wasn't C-Sec Detective Vakarian speaking to her but a friend offering to be a confidant.
Tell him. You can trust Garrus. Maybe more than anyone else on this ship.
"… won't betray… always by our… the end," Jane's voice whispered to Shepard.
Shepard took a deep breath and relaxed before taking the plunge. She climbed inside the Mako with Garrus and started to talk, slowly at first but soon the words were coming from her with so much force she didn't think she could stop it if she wanted to. She told Garrus everything that she could think of to tell him. She told him about the veil that Liara found, and the way it screamed inside her head. Explained why Dr. Tulina was there and the way the asari had been helping Shepard to sift through the visions she was having. She told him all of the details of the vision she had of Virmire and the terrible choice she might have to make. She told him about the scars on his face, and the way that Kaidan shifted into Ashley and the look they had on their face. She told him what it felt like to die while the Normandy was torn to shreds. She held nothing back, laying all of her cards on the table and bared her soul to the turian, so utterly and completely in a way that she had never been able to do before in her life.
I regret that I never took the chance with Garrus when I was alive. I've only experienced his touch through the lives of the others. Sharp teeth nipped gently at my skin, one of the voices said bringing with it a flood of memories that Jane chose to ignore. I chose Kaidan. We fit together perfectly; the way humans are meant to, another voice reminded Jane of just how right Kaidan had felt to her. I remember I was so happy to see him on Horizon after Cerberus brought me back. I was so frustrated with Anderson for not telling me where he was and then, the Illusive Man played puppeteer and dropped me right on Kaidan's doorstep. Oh I was so happy to see him and it felt like coming home after a long deployment, being in his arms for just that brief moment. He smelled like summer, but sounded like winter, a sad and broken voice whispered. But then he got so mad. I thought he would have been happier if I had stayed dead. Should have stayed dead, still another voice said. Maybe he would have. It would have been less confusing for him, for sure. Gods it hurt so bad to watch him walk away from me that day. It's cut just as deep every time I've had to watch it through the eyes of the others since. Even when they weren't involved with Kaidan the way I was, even when it didn't hurt them as bad, it tore me apart. Maybe it was even worse than the first time around because he couldn't see me; he didn't know that I was still alive in there. Hell, those Kaidans never knew me at all.
Look at the way he's looking at you, Dawn. He's already yours if you were willing to reach out and take him. Ha! Of course he wants to know more about the scars. Terrible scars, I woke up and I was covered with scars, the voice sounded terrified. As if everything else you just said pales in comparison. It's actually probably the last thing he's really worried about though. Just like him to deflect, hide his feelings. I can see the concern though. Can you? I can see it, answered one of the voices. Can you see it there, in the tightness of his mandibles and the way his eyes have grown still; focused? You do see it. Oh Garrus. I'm so, so sorry. You should be; you let him die. He died, we died, everyone died, a voice giggled. You let them all die. You are the worst of us. Worst. Worst. Worst, a chorus of voices echoed Jane.
Shepard laughed, "I don't know. I can't make out anything it's trying to say right now, it's all just buzzing."
"Hmmm. So, what do you think it is?" Garrus asked.
Shepard shrugged, "I don't know. I know it said 'we are you', whatever the fuck that means."
"So… what, like reincarnation or something?" Garrus asked.
"Stories of reincarnation never involved living through the exact same crap. Not that I've heard of anyway," Shepard said.
"But I mean, it can't just be psychic powers or whatever if in these visions you're different every time. Unless you're planning a sex change operation or something. I've been told you humans do that sometimes. Spirits, you are a weird species," Garrus said.
"I will shoot you, Vakarian," Shepard said with a smile.
Ha! No you won't. You would never. Not you. I would, a voice said. Some of the others maybe could have, but not you.
The sound of Garrus' chuffing filled the cabin of the Mako, echoing back to Shepard and making her heart flutter. The iris on his visor narrowed.
"What was that for?" Garrus asked.
"What? You called my species weird. Again!" Shepard said.
"Not that, your heartrate changed," Garrus said.
"I – I don't know, I didn't notice anything," Shepard said grateful for the dim lighting of the Mako.
He's closer to the truth than you realize. I doubt this is what ancient philosophers had in mind when they first thought of reincarnation, but I mean, what else could this be called? Hell, a voice answered but Jane brushed it aside like all the rest.
Garrus twisted his torso so he could look at Shepard better, "Shepard. Are you… Do I… frighten you?"
Oh that's rich! Gods I forgot how clueless he can be at times, at least in the early days.
"What? No, Garrus. I'm not scared of you. Don't be ridiculous," Shepard said.
"It's not ridiculous. I've heard a lot of humans say that turians are scary looking. Sharp teeth, talons… I've been told before that I look like something out of a nightmare. You've even compared me to some of Earth's deadliest predators, Shepard," Garrus said.
"No, I compared you to a cute, cuddly kitten. They just happen to be related," Shepard said.
He is a cute, cuddly kitten. A very deadly, cute, cuddly kitten with a pension for sniper rifles.
Garrus chuffed again and Shepard's heart fluttered in response.
"It did it again! You are afraid aren't you? Spirits, Shepard, I'm not going to eat you," Garrus said turning back in his seat to stare at the controls.
Eat me, eat me all up, a voice giggled. Yeah… I don't think he meant it like that… be quiet.
Shepard snorted at the pouting look on Garrus' face, "Garrus think about that for a second. Do you smell fear on me? I mean we're in the Mako, you would think it would reek of my fear if that were the case."
"No, but who knows what else you know how to hide," Garrus said.
He's got a point. I don't think we'd be able to hide the smell, but we know how to control our fear. To turn it off so that we can do what we must.
Shepard scoffed, "OK, if I were afraid of you, why would I be sitting here with you – alone telling you all this crap?"
Garrus lifted a shoulder and let it drop in a shrug. Shepard's hand reached out and tugged on his chin, turning his head to look at her. As soon as she realized what she had done she pulled her hand away and apologized.
"Sorry… that was… rude. Listen to me Garrus. I'm not afraid of you. I promise," Shepard said clasping her hands tightly in her lap to make them stay there.
Oh but he liked that you touched him, how did you not see that?
Garrus chuffed.
"You did that on purpose!" Shepard laughed.
"Maybe," Garrus said.
"It's ah, an interesting sound. I guess… I kinda like it. Anyway, I should go. Get ready though, we're headed to meet that old friend of yours," Shepard said opening the Mako door and dropping to the floor below.
She turned back to look at him still sitting in the Mako, "I was thinking Wrex might be best to go with us on this one. That good with you?"
Garrus stared back at her for a long moment before speaking, "Sure. Works for me."
Shepard closed the door and headed for the elevator. Wrex and Ashley's inquisitive eyes followed her. Garrus was still sitting in the Mako by himself when the elevator doors closed on her.
"… talk … important… Virmire…," Jane's voice said on the elevator ride up.
"What about Virmire?" Shepard silently asked.
"Wrex… if you… she'll…," Jane said.
"What about Wrex?" Shepard asked.
"Williams… head… fast enough," she said.
"OK, I'm not getting you. Can you just show me again?" Shepard asked.
Jane pulled up the conflicting memories of Shepard arguing with Wrex on the beaches of Virmire, showing them to Dawn. She pushed at the memory, bringing Shepard's attention to the images of Ashely walking further down the beach to stand behind Wrex. Jane focused in on the dialogue that would bring about Wrex's death, showing her all of the different things that she could say that would end with Ashley shooting Wrex. Then she showed him as he collapsed to the beach. Showed his blood pooling out around him, the water licking it up and carrying it back out to sea. She showed her Ashley lowering her gun.
Jane pushed those memories aside and pulled up one where Shepard was the one to pull the trigger. Dawn gasped as she saw her hands swinging the butt of a shotgun at Wrex's face. She made a strangling sound when she saw her hands pointing that same gun at Wrex's prone form and firing off several rounds.
No, no, it's OK don't freak out! This one's easy to fix, no here watch. Son-of-a-bitch pointed his gun at me, the voice who supplied that memory said. Shut the fuck up!
Jane brought up the memories of Wrex surviving as fast as she could. She showed Dawn that they were still on the beach arguing. Jane looped through the dialogue and actions that resulted in Wrex living, again, and again, and again until Dawn's breathing began to ease. The elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open. Shepard left the elevator on shaky legs and made her way to the med bay. She had spent hours in the Mako talking to Garrus, and she knew she had to face the music with Dr. Chakwas.
"… understand… to do?" Jane asked.
"Yeah. Dear gods, yeah," Shepard said rubbing her hands across her face and through her hair.
Damn that woman loves her needles and scans. Always with the scanning. Doesn't she ever get bored of looking at what's going on inside of you? You know, you really don't have to put up with this. I mean yeah, she could report to Alliance High Command, but you're a fucking Spectre. Anderson won't take the Normandy away from you; he wants Saren as much as you do. Maybe more.
Liara came out of her office while Dr. Chakwas was drawing Shepard's blood.
"Commander, there you are. Is everything alright? You ran out of here so quickly earlier," Liara said.
"Crap, yeah. Sorry Liara. I had meant to come talk to you some more and just got so caught up in… things. Sorry," Shepard said.
Jane could see the hurt etched on Liara's face from the shallow explanation, and Shepard could too. That was week, she deserves better than that, Dawn.
"The veil, it said something to me and I had to figure out what it meant. It was important, but I'm not ready to talk about it just yet. I'm not sure how it changes things, I need some time to think about it first," Shepard said.
Liara's face lightened as a soft smile spread across her lips, "I see. Of course, Shepard, take all of the time you need. If you need anything, or just want to talk, you know where to find me,"
Shepard cringed inwardly but kept her face calm. She had just told Garrus everything with so much ease and trust but was denying Liara the same thing now. She was denying everyone else the same thing now.
So what? You aren't obligated to spill your guts to everyone who asks. You didn't lie to her and you let her know what you were comfortable with telling her right now. You didn't shut her out completely, that's what's important. You can't make everyone happy all of the time, Dawn. Trust me on that. I don't care how much you change, that's just a part of life. I think you might be far more compassionate than any of the rest of us ever were. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. It just makes it kind of difficult to relate to you at times. Hell, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's what is allowing me to get through to you at all. Strong willed, but a huge heart.
Shepard left the med bay and stopped in the mess hall to grab a light dinner before taking a shower. Dr. Chakwas seemed to have given up on trying corralling Shepard and was content to take her scans when Shepard permitted. Shepard turned the hot water up as high as she could stand it and leaned against the shower wall resting her head on her forearms.
You'll get through this, Dawn. You'll get us all through this. I believe that now. There is no turning back. Too much has already changed. Changed, a voice echoed the sentiment. You have to get through this, Dawn. You have to put an end to this. I'm so tired. Tired, another voice bubbled up.
Shepard finished her shower and made her way back to her bed. She crawled between the sheets and buried her face in her pillow before flipping over to her back. She stared up at the dark ceiling and fought back the urge to cry.
"What are you?" Shepard whispered to the veil.
"… you… over and over… never stops… cycle… you have to… save us," Jane whispered back.
"I can hear you a little better now. Who is 'us'? The cycle, you mean the reapers? I'm trying, that's why I'm going after Saren," Shepard asked her eyelids were already beginning to droop.
"… reapers… maybe… don't really… we keep… starts all… tired," Jane said.
Shepard fell asleep. Jane showed her sleeping mind images of all of the Shepard's waking up one after another on the morning they were to report to the Normandy; and then dying in the Crucible only for another to wake up and do it all over again. Finally, Jane focused in on the last Shepard to wake up: Dawn. She didn't know if it was making any sense to Dawn or not, but she had to try. She couldn't feel any awareness in Dawn; no subconscious fighting its way through the dream demanding answers like there was before. Eventually, Jane gave up and let the woman sleep in peace.
The next morning Shepard was preparing to board the MSV Fedele with Garrus and Wrex. Wrex had been filled in on who they were after and taken aside by Shepard to be informed that the doctor needed to be Garrus' kill unless things went sideways. Shepard had expected Wrex to be resistant to the idea, but he seemed to understand that Garrus needed this. She had chosen Wrex to accompany them because she thought he was the one who would be the least likely to insist on arresting Dr. Saleon instead.
Shepard wasn't taking Garrus to arrest the salarian; she was taking him to kill the man. Good, it's what he deserves. If Garrus decided he wanted to bring him in, Shepard would hog tie the son-of-a-bitch and gift wrap him for Garrus herself. She knew though, Garrus wasn't after legal justice and if this was just some pirate or smuggler that had gotten away, Shepard would fight for legal justice. This guy… a jail cell was far too good for him.
Wrex is a good choice. The doctor will try to deny he's Dr. Saleon. He'll insist his name is Dr. Heart and that he doesn't know what you're talking about. It's him though, don't be dissuaded. If the hideous experiments that try to kill you on the ship aren't enough to convince you, there is more evidence on that ship than any jury would need to convict.
The Normandy's airlock opened and the trio moved onto the MSV Fedele. Initially, the ship seemed abandoned. There were no signs of life or activity. It's not empty. There are people here that Dr. Saleon has been experimenting on. They're rabid. Well, not technically rabid, I don't think, but they might as well be. As they moved deeper into the ship they began hearing groans, and then Shepard caught her first glimpse of the horrors to have taken place at the hands of Dr. Saleon. Severely scarred and mutated, barely recognizable as human and completely crazed people rushed her team. Shepard's heart ached for them, but they weren't people anymore. No, not anymore. Not really. There was no saving them and nothing to be done but to put them down as quickly as she could. A mercy, really it is. Pity turned to rage as the last one bled out at her feet. She definitely wasn't going to suggest the 'arrest the doctor' option.
Shepard knew just where the doctor would be. There would be time to clear the ship later, for now she wanted Dr. Saleon's head on a silver platter. She led Garrus and Wrex down the hall and stopped in front of a door. She turned to look at Garrus.
"Bring him in or shoot him. I don't suggest bringing him in, this asshole isn't worth it, but this is your call," Shepard said.
"I'm glad you see it my way, Commander," Garrus said with a nod.
Shepard slapped her palm against the door's release button and stepped to the side to let Garrus enter first. She watched the salarian standing in the middle of the room closely; she wanted to see the understanding creep into his eyes. It was almost amusing when he tried to deny who he was and what he had done. He called her and Garrus crazy, and that made her fingers itch to pull the trigger herself.
"Put him out of his misery so we can get going," Shepard said affecting a bored tone.
"Gladly," said Garrus. "Your days of butchering are over, Doctor."
"No. Please… Please!" Dr. Saleon begged before turning to run.
Garrus shot him as he retreated, "That was… satisfying."
Shepard looked over the medical equipment stained with the blood of many species; shaking her head in disgust before leading them through the rest of the ship. There were things here the Normandy could use. Weapons, medical supplies – she even took the doctor's food. Waste not, want not, right?
When she got back to the Normandy she found she had received a message from Admiral Hackett. Someone was killing off former Alliance scientists, and if she understood what Hackett was saying, these scientists were working on a secret project on Akuze the same time her entire team died. There was one scientist from that team left, a Dr. Wayne and his last known coordinates were in the Kepler Verge. He was in the Newton system and they were going to have to head back there to take the mass relay anyway.
Shepard didn't hesitate, despite the buzzing in her head. This could be important. It may not get her any closer to Saren but she had gone out of her way to tie up loose ends for Garrus. They had everything to do with losing your team. They were running tests on the thresher maws. They watched while your team was attacked and then studied the remains. They found someone still alive though, Dawn. They found Toombs. If you go to Ontarom, you'll find Toombs there. Things will get ugly, Dawn, no matter what you do. This wasn't really out of her way and it might tie up some loose ends for herself. She had to go. She punched in the coordinates and left the CIC.
"… alive… bad shape…."Jane said.
"What?" Shepard asked.
"… Toombs… alive… number on him…," said Jane.
"Toombs is alive? How is that even possible? Why would you just now tell me this?!" Shepard demanded.
"Far… important… Saren… reapers… cycle!" Jane bit back.
In the med bay, Shepard sat passively talking to Jane while Dr. Chakwas ran her scans. After long, silent minutes Dr. Chakwas sighed. Shepard looked up at the other woman.
"Well, you will be pleased to know that the inflammation has completely subsided. All results are normal. I am officially releasing you for active duty, Commander. Not that it makes any difference," Dr. Chakwas said.
Shepard grinned, "No more scans? Blood work? Peeing in a cup?"
"I would still appreciate it if you would try to take it easy for a few more days, and perhaps allow me to run follow up tests in about two weeks but otherwise, Commander, you're done here," Dr. Chakwas said.
"Congratulations, Commander," Dr. Tulina said looking over from her desk with a smile.
Going to tell Kaidan he can stop worrying? That's thoughtful. Oh look, he's with Ashley again. I've never seen them spend this much time together. I think there might be something starting there. Maybe you will be able to save them both and they can find some happiness together. That would be nice to see. I wonder if that would keep one of them from being on Horizon? Or maybe they'll both be there instead. Gods I don't want to have to see them both look at us like that at the same time. Maybe you should keep things from getting too far with them, though. I mean if one of them does die on Virmire, the other will be crushed.
Shepard spent some time making her rounds and checking in with everyone. She headed to Tali first, since it had been awhile since she'd dropped in to see the quarian. She was surprised to find that Tali wasn't in Engineering, but out in the cargo bay talking to Wrex. She hesitated near the elevator, wondering if she would be intruding on whatever it was they were discussing. Tali looked up and saw Shepard, waving her over.
Tali looks good. Her leg healed up nicely, she doesn't seem to be favoriting it at all. She still sounds like she has a cold, though. Oh look, now Garrus is coming over. Fantastic. Now I'll never get you to shut up and go someplace quiet where I can actually talk to you. You know, when I was alive, I'm pretty sure that if I had found out that there was something living inside my brain that could talk to me and show me my future, I'd be spending a whole helluva lot more time trying to figure out how to communicate with it than you are. I love this crew as much as you but seriously, Dawn.
"… there… more important… doing right now," said Jane.
Shepard cocked her head and silently asked, "Like what? We're headed back towards the relay."
"… so much… need to know… standing… crew," Jane said.
"Commander, are you alright?" Tali asked.
Shepard turned her head to smile at Tali, "Yeah, sorry. I guess I've just got a lot on my mind."
Garrus shifted beside her and gave her a knowing look.
"So, Tali. How's the leg? I heard you got a nasty bite on Feros," Garrus said distracting Tali.
"I have to spend time with the crew, it's important for morale," Shepard thought at Jane.
"… important… you… listen… need… stop all… once and…," Jane said.
"Listen, Veil, I get it, you have shit you want to tell me. Problem is, I can't understand half of what you fucking say. I'm trying here, alright? But you're really fucking my entire program up. Completely flipped my life upside down," Shepard hissed vehemently inside of her head. "So unless there is something that I need to do right this instant to keep someone from dying, could you please back off for five minutes and let me enjoy a moment with my crew?"
"Stop… me Veil… fucking Jane. I had… remembering," Jane snapped back.
"Jane? Your name is Jane?" Shepard asked.
"Yes! … Jane…," Jane exclaimed.
"Alright, then, Jane, five minutes. That's all I ask," Shepard said.
Jane stopped pushing and gave Shepard what she thought must be five minutes before nudging her again. The buzzing started back up in Shepard's head and she told the others that she had to go.
Back in her cabin she plopped down on her bed and wriggled until she was comfortable, she leaned her back against the pillows and closed her eyes.
"Alright, Jane, what do you want me to know?" Shepard asked.
"… cycle… I don't…," Jane was trying to say when Shepard cut her off.
"OK, yeah just slow down. I got cycle. Let's work with that. I'm guessing you're talking about the cycle that the beacon showed me, of the reapers destroying entire civilizations. What about the cycle? Maybe just, I don't know, talk slower or something. Shorter sentences," Shepard said.
"No… not talking… our…," Jane said.
"OK, this isn't working. How about just simple yes or no answers? Do you think you can focus on just yes or no?" Shepard asked.
Oh hell this is impossible. If I could, I'm sure I'd have a migraine right now. Yes or no, answers, huh? Alright Dawn, you really think you can get somewhere with that we'll try it your way.
"Yes," Jane said focusing on the simple response.
"Alright, good. I heard that clearly. OK, so, you keep talking about a cycle. You're talking about the reapers, right?" Shepard asked.
"No," Jane said.
"No?" Shepard asked.
"No," Jane repeated.
"OK… does it have to do with you, then?" Shepard asked.
"Yes!" said Jane.
"You're on some kind of cycle?" Shepard asked now more confused.
"Yes," Jane responded really hating this game.
"Are you… what, like an AI or something? Stuck on a loop?" Shepard asked.
"No… stupid… so close… entire… so fucking… isn't… has to be…," Jane said.
"Alright, alright. Calm down. That isn't helping," Shepard reached up and rubbed her hands over her face. "I don't know what to do, Jane. I have a million questions for you, but half the time when you talk all I hear is buzzing. The uh, visions help some, but sometimes they're just as confusing."
"… progress…," Jane said.
"Yeah, I suppose so," said Shepard.
Yeah. I just don't know if it will be enough. I don't know if anything will ever be enough.
After a few quiet moments of neither speaking, Shepard left the cabin and went to the cockpit. She slipped into the seat next to Joker and offered him a smile before turning her attention to the stars. Shepard dozed off in the co-pilot's seat and was woken a couple of hours later by Joker nudging her shoulder. They had arrived at Ontarom.
Shepard stood and stretched languorously before patting Joker on the shoulder.
"Tell Garrus and Tali to saddle up, we're going down," Shepard said before she left to get ready.
He's not going to be stable, Dawn. You might not be able to talk him down. You need to know that this might end with you shooting him, or him shooting himself.
"… messed… pretty bad… thresher maw… tests…," Jane said.
Shepard listened to Jane but didn't form a response. She got the gist of what Jane was saying, but it didn't matter. She had to go see Toombs; she had to try to help him. Shepard remained quiet until they rolled up to the building. She gave Tali and Garrus a rundown of what and who she expected to find inside. Shepard didn't think that Tali made the connection right away, but she could tell that Garrus had. He'd done his homework.
She led them into the building, mowing through human and krogan mercenaries and stepping over the corpses of the merc's victims until she found the room with Toombs. He was holding Dr. Wayne at gun point. Easy, Dawn, easy. He's not all there anymore. He's not the same Toombs you knew.
"Corporal Toombs, put the gun down," Shepard said as she walked slowly into the room.
"Stay back! I've got no grief with you! All I want is this bastard!" Toombs yelled.
"Toombs, look at me. Look, it's me, Shepard," she said.
"Please! He's a madman!" Dr. Wayne begged. "Mr. Toombs, you're insane! You need help!"
"Shut up! You don't get to lie! You don't…" Toombs turned his head enough to get a good look at Shepard. "Shepard? My god, Shepard, is that you?"
"Toombs, listen to me. Put the gun down, you don't need to do this. Whatever this is, whatever happened, I can help you," Shepard said.
"They took me, Shepard. The scientists," Toombs said.
"You can't prove any of this! This man is delusional!" the scientist said.
"See, they were running tests on the thresher maws. They let those things hit us just to watch and study. I woke up in a holding cell. The scientists were delighted I'd survived. Now they had someone to run tests on," Toombs said.
"You can't believe Toombs! He doesn't have any proof! I demand a fair trial!" said Dr. Wayne
Shepard raised her pistol up to point at Dr. Wayne, "Shut up! You don't get to talk. I'm not here to save you, you piece of shit. I don't need any proof. Toombs' word carries more weight than yours ever could."
Shepard's hand itched to pull the trigger, "I was there too, you son-of-a-bitch. I was lucky, so lucky that I got out alive but I've spent years thinking that it was all somehow my fault but telling myself every day that there was no way I could have known. Nothing more I could have done. I'm here to try to save Toombs from himself, your life doesn't matter."
"This man deserves to die, Shepard. There's nothing left of me for you to save, just this, it's all I have," Toombs said.
"I'm a Spectre now, Toombs. I can arrest him. He'll answer for his crimes in court," Shepard said.
"It'll never happen, Shepard. He's right, there is no proof. I've looked. All I have are their names. I said them over and over to myself every day, promised myself I'd find them and kill them. It's the only thing that kept me alive," Toombs said. "Are you helping me, or are you killing me?"
You're losing him, Dawn.
"Then I'll kill him," Shepard said.
"No, Shepard. Damn it, this is my kill. They tortured me, Shepard. They shot me full of thresher maw venom, Shepard. Just so they could see what it would do!" Toombs said.
"Toombs you could go to prison. You've got your life back; do you really want to spend the rest of it in a cell?" Shepard pleaded.
"I need this, Shepard. I'll never be whole again. Ever. There is nothing left for me. All I have is this," Toombs said.
Shepard dropped her head and lowered her gun, "Alright, Toombs. Alright."
"… turn… himself… head," Jane said.
Toombs shot Dr. Wayne in the head and as soon as the shot was fired, she threw a Warp at Toombs. The man fell to the ground, his body twisting back on itself. Shepard kicked the pistol out of his hand, sending it sliding across the floor to the other side of the room. Before the Warp could wear off, she was restraining Toombs. Garrus was at her side adding his strength to keep Toombs under control.
"If anyone ever asks – anyone – I fired the shot that killed Dr. Wayne. Am I clear?" Shepard said.
Garrus nodded, "Perfectly."
"That's how I saw it," said Tali.
"Now, Toombs. I know what you were thinking and you were about to turn that gun on yourself. I couldn't let that happen," Shepard said. "I'm sorry, I know that you've been through hell, but I couldn't let that happen."
Tears began to slide down the man's face and he stopped struggling.
"Tali go get his gun, please," Shepard said.
Tali went and got Toombs pistol and gave it to Shepard. Shepard turned the gun on the scientist who was barely still holding on to the last seconds of life, and shot him several times.
"I shot him, you got that, Toombs?" Shepard asked.
Toombs nodded his head, "You shot him."
"I'm taking you back to the Normandy with me, Toombs. There's someone there who can help you. I don't want to have to drag you the whole way kicking and screaming. Will you cooperate for me, Toombs?" Shepard asked.
"Yes, Shepard. For you," Toombs nodded his head and Shepard let him go.
They got Toombs back out to the Mako and he climbed inside, Tali right behind him. Garrus stood waiting next to Shepard to climb in the passenger's seat.
"Shepard, are you alright?" Garrus asked.
Shepard looked up at Garrus and let out a deep breath, running her fingers through her hair.
She shook her head slowly, "No. But I will be."
Garrus tentatively put a hand on her shoulder. Shepard let herself lean forward and put her forehead to the center of his chest. She listened as his breath caught in surprise and then she felt the comforting sound of a contented hum vibrating the plates of his armor. She only allowed herself a few seconds of contact before pulling away.
I've never seen it go like this with Toombs before, Dawn. I don't know what to expect now. I'm as blind on this as you are.
"Keep an eye on him for me, Garrus? I need to give the Normandy a heads up," Shepard said.
"You got it," Garrus said before sliding into the Mako.
Shepard took a few steps away before radioing the Normandy, "Shore party to Normandy, do you copy?"
"Normandy here, we copy," Joker's voice answered.
"Joker, I need a pickup at our location. We've got someone with us. Ask Doctors Chakwas and Tulina to meet us in the cargo bay. And tell Dr. Chakwas it might be a good idea to have a sedative on hand. Our guest may not be stable," Shepard said.
"Aye, aye, Commander. Locking in on your location now. I'll notify the doctors. Normandy out," Joker said.
Shepard hoped in the Mako's driver seat and waited for the Normandy to come into view.
He always shot himself after killing Dr. Wayne. We never stopped it before. Bringing him back with us like this? I – I don't know what to say. Are you keeping him on the Normandy? He might still try to kill himself, or worse, one of the crew.
"… best idea… sideways," Jane said.
"I have to try," Shepard responded silently.
Shepard got out of the Mako first to fill Dr. Tulina and Dr. Chakwas in on the situation. Shepard waved her hand at Garrus for him to bring Toombs out and then waved Ashley over. She asked Ashley to escort Toombs to the med bay with the two doctors and then to wait outside of the med bay door in case she was needed before Shepard got up there.
"Toombs, I want you to go with the doctor's now, OK? I'm going to get out of this armor and then I'll be right in there with you. These are good women, Toombs; don't give them any trouble, alright?" Shepard spoke quietly to the man.
Toombs nodded his head. Shepard couldn't help but to notice the vacant look in his eyes. He's gone. I don't know if you'll be able to bring him back from this. If you had insisted on arresting the doctor, if you were able to talk him down he would have been OK eventually but now… I don't know. She was glad that all of the scientists responsible were dead now. Otherwise she might be tempted to go hunt them down herself. Shepard ditched her armor and weapons as quickly as she could, laying them in front of the crew lockers instead of carrying them up to her own locker by the med bay. She'd deal with it later.
A few minutes later and Shepard was sitting in a chair across from Toombs while Dr. Chakwas performed a scan to get a baseline of his current physical state. He was still pretty tore up inside if Dr. Chakwas tight lips were any indication. Dr. Chakwas looked… furious. Dr. Tulina was talking to him in quiet, soothing tones. Shepard couldn't quite make out what she was saying but that was alright, it wasn't her business. Toombs' eyes occasionally flickered over to Shepard. She wasn't sure if he was hoping she would leave, or was begging her to stay. It didn't matter, she wasn't going anywhere yet.
Stay. Stay with him until he goes to sleep. I think seeing your face will help. It'll give him an anchor, something familiar. Of course, it might also be reminder of what he went through… No, he seemed willing enough to do as you asked after the doctor was dead. He still has loyalty and respect for you. You're the only person here he knows.
A couple of hours later and Toombs was sleeping peacefully. Dr. Chakwas had given him a sedative with the promise that he wouldn't have any dreams. It was getting late but Shepard wanted to fill the crew in on a few things before she slept herself. She set up a rotation with the Alliance soldiers on board, leaving her crew available to keep her schedule and move out with her on short notice. She called everyone to the debriefing room and filled them in on who Toombs was and what he had been through before moving on to discuss their mission.
"Alright everyone. I'm setting the coordinates for Virmire tonight. I don't know what to expect completely when we get there, but I do know that it's going to be an all hands on deck kind of thing. I need you all well rested and ready for a fight," Shepard started to pace.
"Saren… fight… Virmire… he gets away," Jane said.
"Show me how he gets away later, Jane," Shepard thought.
"Saren's going to show his face on Virmire. There will be heavy geth resistance. We won't be in the fight alone, though. We are going to be meeting with a salarian infiltration team sent by the Council. They are our allies in this," Shepard said.
She stopped in the middle of the room and looked around at her team, "I know that there have been a lot of things happening with me lately. I know that many of you have been concerned about me, or about my ability to handle this mission. I want to assure you all, that not only am I fine – Dr. Chakwas has officially cleared me for active duty – but I am committed to stopping Saren. I will stop Saren. Everyone go get some sleep. Dismissed."
Shepard went up to the galaxy map to set the coordinates before showering and heading to her cabin for the night. She paced the floor for a few minutes trying to think of a way to hear Jane better. She needed information, and she needed it before she got to Virmire. Shepard focused on the one time when she heard Jane the clearest. It was when she was joined with Liara and she heard the screaming in her head.
"… don't think… because of… joining…," Jane said.
"Then what was it?" Shepard asked.
"… very relaxed… opened yourself… and me," Jane said.
Jane was right. Since then, she'd always heard Jane best when she was calm and things were quiet around her. Shepard turned down the lights and set in the middle of her bed with her legs folded. It had been years since she had tried meditation, but if there was ever a need for it, this was it.
Shepard closed her eyes and took slow, deep, calming breaths. She tried to mimic what she had done with Liara to reach that same state of tranquility. She pushed away all thoughts of Toombs and Akuze. Quieted the indecision about how to handle Ashley and Kaidan on Virmire. Put aside the thoughts about her feelings that were beginning to be undeniable for Garrus. Put aside the heartache for Liara and Kaidan. And finally, moved past the fear that she had been hiding from herself.
"Jane, are you there?" Shepard asked.
"Yes, Dawn. I'm always here, you just don't listen," Jane said.
"I'm listening now, Jane. I can hear you, but I don't know how long this will last. What cycle, Jane?" Shepard said.
Shepard felt a sense of excitement filter through her; she knew right away that it was not her excitement, but Jane's.
"Your cycle. Our cycle. We have been living the same life you are living over and over again. Fighting against the geth, against Saren. Against the collectors and the reapers. Every time we get to the end, when we think we have won and it is finally over with, we wake up at the beginning again," Jane said, the words urgent and rushed.
"I don't understand. Who is 'we'? Who – what are you?" Shepard asked.
"My name is Jane Shepard. I was the first," Jane said.
"Shepard?" she asked.
"Yes. Some of the visions I have been showing you have been from my life. I was once flesh and blood, just like you. I lived through all of this… well, not exactly all of this. Some things change from life to life… and you've changed a lot of things. Anyway, not the point. I lived this life, I fought the reapers and then I died," Jane said.
"How is that possible, I – what are you then, a ghost? How could we be living through the same things?" Shepard asked as her mind struggled to accept what she was being told.
"I didn't stay dead. My mind – or soul – or whatever stayed conscious while my body wasted away. Then somehow, I have no clue how or why, but somehow I woke up again. In someone else's body. Trapped in their mind the way I have been in yours," Jane said.
"Your cycle," said Shepard.
"Yes. But the person I was in, his name was John Shepard. He was me. He had my life. Some things were different, I won't waste time explaining all of it, but he was me," Jane said.
"That – how – what?" Shepard stuttered.
"Commander John Shepard. He had just been given a new assignment and told to report to the SSV Normandy. The same Normandy. He met with Captain David Anderson. The same Anderson that I knew, the same Anderson that you know now. Everything was the same, Dawn. Everyone was the same… except for me," Jane said.
"I – I don't know if I can believe this. I know, I know, I'm talking to a voice in my head but still… this is just… insane," Shepard said pushing back the panic that was starting to rise up in her chest.
Jane's voice started to sound fainter and buzzing began to interrupt her words again. Shepard took deep breaths until she could calm herself down again and then sought out that place of tranquility once more.
"I'm sorry. I lost you there for a minute," Shepard said.
"I know this is a lot to take in but I need you to listen and accept this, Dawn. I don't know how to make this stop, I've spent countless lives – lived through this at least a thousand times and I can't make it stop. I'm so tired, Dawn," Jane said.
"The other voices I heard, when I was with Liara and I heard the screaming… there were so many voices…" Shepard said.
"Yes, they're all here. Some more… coherent than others but none as strong as I am. Many of them have gone completely insane. This was just too much for them to bear. Some are… isolated. Unreachable even to me, I used to try to talk to them, but I gave that up long ago. They just, I don't know, sit there I guess and relieve their memories over and over," Jane said.
"Is this – are you telling me that this is going to happen to me? I'm going to die and wake up in someone else' mind with you and the others?" Shepard asked panic welling up inside of her once more.
"If we can't find a way to make it stop before your time is up, then…," Jane said.
"Oh gods. Oh gods. I think I'm going to be sick," Shepard said bolting from the bed and rushing to the trash can by her desk.
Just like that, Jane was relegated to buzzing once more. Shepard retched, emptying out the meager dinner she had finally gotten around to eating just a couple of hours before. When her heaving finally stopped and her stomach was starting to settle, Shepard rose on shaky legs to make her way to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth and splashed water on her face. Jane buzzed loudly in her head.
"I can't… I just can't. No more right now," Shepard said.
After landing Shepard in a hospital bed once already, Jane was hesitant to force the matter and fell silent. In the mess hall, Shepard rummaged through cabinets until she found some crackers and sat down at one of the tables to nibble at them. The mess was quiet; the lights were dimmed for the night. Shepard could see soft light filtering through the med bay windows and a guard at the door staring straight ahead.
She found herself walking towards the sleeping pods across from the mess hall. She didn't know why until she was standing in front of one of the pods looking at Garrus' sleeping face. She put a hand on the glass before resting her forehead next to it, her eyes on the ground she took a deep shuttering breath and turned back to her cabin. As Shepard turned her head and her eyes moved past Garrus' form, she didn't notice that his eyes were open and watching her, but Jane did.
Shepard crawled under her covers and curled up into a ball. Tears slid down her eyes until finally, sleep took her.