The Lives and Deaths of Commander Shepard

by MosaicCreme

The essence that is Commander Shepard has fought the battle against the Reapers more times than she can count, only to find herself right back where it all started. Never the exact same body, never the same first name or history. The disembodied voice struggles to break her way through to the consciousness of her current incarnation, trying to find a way to break her own cycle.

19. Chapter 18: You Did Your Best, Commander

Chapter 18: You Did Your Best, Commander.

Shepard was sitting at a table in the mess hall. A cup of coffee sat in front of her, growing colder by the minute. Her gaze was unfocused. Kaidan slid into the seat in front of her, snapping Shepard out of her rumination. She tried to smile at him but she knew it wasn't convincing.

"Hey Commander, did you get any sleep last night?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard sighed and rubbed her face, "Probably not as much as I needed. How about you, Kaidan?"

"I slept alright, all things considered," Kaidan paused. "So, if it's alright, I was wondering… last night you said Saren would show his face on Virmire. Is this something you're assuming tactically… or is this the other thing, the beacon or whatever, telling you this?"

Shepard schooled her features before she could wince, there was so much that she hadn't told her crew. So much that she didn't think they'd understand because she could barely understand it herself.

"… might… try," Jane's voice whispered in Shepard's mind.

"I saw it, I know he's going to be there," Shepard said.

Kaidan grinned and turned sideways so he could lean against the wall, "That's wonderful news, Commander. We're going to get the bastard. I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that."

Shepard smiled, "And if he manages to get away, we'll chase him to the ends of the galaxy, Kaidan. I told you guys, I'm not letting this go. He will be stopped."

Kaidan smiled at her, "I never doubted that you were in it for the long haul, Shepard. It's just so nice to have an edge. To know that he's going to be there before we arrive."

"… happy… have me… help," Jane said.

"No, he's happy that I have what he thinks is the prothean beacon – something he can begin to wrap his head around – to help," Shepard thought back at Jane.

"Yeah, I suppose it is," Shepard said to Kaidan, taking a sip of her cold coffee and grimacing.

"Here, let me warm that up for you," Kaidan said grabbing her cup and leaving the table before she could think to protest.

"… still wants…," Jane whispered.

Shepard chose to ignore that. The mess hall was beginning to fill with loud, excited chatter as more people arrived for breakfast. Shepard felt eyes on her; she looked around the room until she saw Garrus leaning against the med bay wall watching her. She gave him the best smile she could manage and patted the bench next to her in invitation. Warmth passed over her as the tall turian pushed himself off the wall and strode across the mess hall to straddle the bench next to her.

"Morning, Garrus. So, you ready for this?" Shepard asked.

"Only since the day you said I could tag along, Shepard," Garrus said.

Shepard found it a little easier to smile while he was next to her, "Good. I hope you're well rested. I need all of you at your best."

"Well, something did wake me up last night. I had a little trouble getting back to sleep after that, but I did eventually manage. I got enough, don't need as much as humans," Garrus said.

"Bad dreams, Garrus?" Shepard asked; she could hear Jane buzzing in her head and wondered if that was humor that she felt.

Kaidan was making his way back to the table. Shepard caught his smile falter when he saw Garrus sitting with her but he pulled it back into place before he reached the table. Kaidan sat the cup down in front of Shepard before sitting back down across from her.

"Not exactly…," Garrus said.

"Hey, Garrus. How's it going?" Kaidan asked.

Garrus was slow to drag his gaze from Shepard, "Not too bad, Kaidan. Not too bad at all. I'm looking forward to the chance to take Saren down. How about yourself?"

Shepard took a slow sip of the hot coffee before mouthing a 'thank you' at Kaidan.

Kaidan smiled at Shepard before answering Garrus, "I'm right there with you, Garrus. I was just telling Shepard how nice it is to have an edge. Don't get me wrong, it sucks that the beacon, you know, has caused her some problems but man has it been a huge help."

Shepard squirmed in her seat and kept her eyes glued on her coffee. She trusted Garrus not to spill her secrets. She just didn't know if he was aware how secret they actually were.

"Relax… self away… Garrus does," Jane said.

"Ha, the beacon, yeah. Wrex is still talking about how the next one we find is his. Tali and Ashley were talking about it yesterday while Tali was checking out her locker, too. Tali's got some grand ideas about all the ways it would help out the Migrant Fleet," Garrus said.

Kaidan chuckled, "Did you remind her you have dibs?"

"Nah, I wasn't a part of the conversation. I was working on the Mako," Garrus said.

"Wait, I thought you said they were by the lockers?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah, they were," Garrus said looking confused.

"And you heard them all the way over by the Mako?" Shepard asked.

"Turian's have incredibly good hearing, Commander. We could never sneak past Vyrnnus at brain camp. A lot of kids got themselves hurt trying it, but it never stopped the rest," Kaidan said.

"I knew your hearing was good, but damn…," Shepard said. "Wait, oh gods. That's awkward… Maybe I should let Ashley know…"

Garrus chuffed. Shepard's heart fluttered and Garrus' mandibles twitched.

"Why so I don't have to hear about how she doesn't think we aliens should have full access to the Normandy – particularly Wrex and myself – or maybe about her family's involvement in the First Contact War? Or is it so I don't have to hear how cute her sister thinks Kaidan is?" Garrus asked.

Kaidan choked on his coffee and Shepard threw her head back in laughter. Garrus' low chuckle joined hers.

She reached out to slap Garrus playfully on the arm but his hand shot out and caught her wrist, "Yeah, those are all good reasons."

Garrus let go of Shepard's wrist and smiled at her. Kaidan had recovered his breath but his face was a bright red.

"You alright there, Kaidan? You're looking really red. Maybe we should take him to the med bay, Shepard," Garrus said.

Shepard laughed again, "Oh stop. And you said I'm evil."

Kaidan managed a chuckle, "Ha. No, that's alright. I think I'll manage. I think I'll, uh, go make sure my guns are clean and ready to go."

Kaidan all but ran from the mess hall. Shepard was still giggling and trying to control it enough to sip her coffee.

"So," Garrus said when Kaidan was gone, "Do you make a habit out of visiting the sleeping pods in the middle of the night?"

Laughter broke through the sounds of buzzing in Shepard's head.

Shepard's own laughter stopped as her hand paused with her cup halfway to her mouth. She slowly put the cup back on the table and folded her hands in her lap.

"I woke you up?" Shepard asked.

"Hmmm. You did," Garrus said taking a deep breath.

Shepard stared at her hands, doing her best to calm her racing heart. She found it wasn't so easy as when she was trying to hide a lie. She could feel the heat in her cheeks and she knew it wasn't lost on him. She put her elbows on the table and buried her face in her hands before raking her hair back and pinning it there with her hands. She stared down at her coffee before sitting up again.

"I'm sorry, Garrus. I didn't mean to wake you. It uh, it won't happen again," Shepard said not meeting his gaze.

Garrus' hand moved in front of her face slowly, hesitantly; he gently hooked one of his fingers under her chin and turned her face to him the way she had his in the Mako. Shepard's eyes dropped closed at the contact and she felt a quiet groan escape her throat. He took his hand away when she opened her eyes to look at him. She almost smiled at how utterly lost and confused he looked. A hitch in the noise of the mess hall told her that other people had noticed the interaction. She was grateful when the noise picked back up again, though she could still feel eyes on her.

Garrus leaned forward a hair and spoke softly barely loud enough for her to hear, "You've got to help me out here, Shepard. I've spent a lot of time around humans on the Citadel but I've never had more than a casual working relationship, at best… interrogation at worst with humans. I have to admit some of the things you do and say leave my head spinning trying to figure out what you mean."

"I haven't really told anyone the full extent of what I'm going through except you. I think you probably even know more than Dr. Tulina does at this point…," Shepard struggled to find the right words to explain her actions, "Some new things came up last night and I, uh, I don't know. I guess I was just needing someone to… talk to and… but you know, you were sleeping and I didn't want to bother you. I didn't realize I woke you up. Sorry about that."

Garrus watched her quietly, his visor contracting and expanding, his mandibles shifting slightly as he thought on her words.

He took another deep breath, "Shepard, you don't… next time you need someone to talk to, wake me up, it's alright. I don't need a lot of sleep and I… Hmmm."

Shepard bit the corner of her lip, she ached to reach out and touch him. Garrus paused. He took in another deep breath before clearing his throat.

"I'm just saying that if you need me for anything… anything at all, I'm here for you, Shepard," Garrus said.

Shepard found that her throat was dry when she tried to speak, "Thank you, Garrus. That um, that means a lot to me."

Garrus laid a hand down on the table and sat up straight, "Of course, Shepard. Well, I uh… I should probably go make sure the Mako is up to par."

He stood up, towering above Shepard. Her eyes slowly slid along his body and up to meet his gaze.

"OK," she said but it barely came out as more than a whisper.

"I uh, I took care of your armor and guns last night. Cleaned them all. Oiled the guns… they're in your locker," Garrus said.

Shepard's eyebrows rose. She knew enough about turian culture to know that turians didn't mess with each other's weapons and armor often. When they did, it was generally between intimate partners or a sign of deep respect and admiration; as well as implying a hell of a lot of trust.

"Thanks," Shepard managed.

"Sure. Anytime, Shepard," Garrus said stepping over the bench and turning his back to her.

"… feelings… you, too," Jane said.

Shepard continued to ignore Jane as her eyes followed Garrus until he was out of sight. When he was gone, she noticed that half the crew was casting furtive glances in her direction. Liara nodded her head and offered Shepard an encouraging smile. Shepard wondered how much it cost her to try to encourage Shepard to pursue something with someone else. Shepard returned the smile, albeit only weakly. She finished off her coffee and washed her cup out at the sink before heading to her cabin.

"… don't… answer… that," Jane said.

"You're, right. I probably don't," Shepard thought.

She ran her hands over her laptop in thought before opening it and logging in to the ship's security records. She pulled up the video feeds for her cabin door, the mess hall, and the sleeping pods from the night before and fast forwarded to the point where she came back out of her cabin. Shepard watched herself move slowly towards the sleeping pods and glance into each one before stopping in front of Garrus' pod. She hadn't even thought about the cameras last night; didn't even wonder what anyone watching them would think.

She zoomed in on Garrus' pod and watched as it showed her put a hand on the glass. Her head leaned forward and gently tapped the glass as it connected. Garrus' eyes flew open; he shifted his head to look down at her through the glass. His visor whirred to life and the iris constricted. In the video, Shepard turned away from the glass and walked back to her cabin. Garrus opened his sleeping pod and hesitantly stepped out into the hall. He glanced back at his empty pod before taking a few steps forward. He stopped again and shook his head before looking out at the mess hall. Garrus tapped a finger against his thigh before striding through the mess hall towards Shepard's cabin.

Shepard had stopped breathing, she was biting her lip so hard it nearly bled as she watched what appeared to be a conflicted Garrus approach her cabin door. In the video feed, Garrus stopped near Shepard's door and turned around as if he was going to go back to sleeping pod. He stared up at the ceiling, his chest raising and dropping as he breathed deeply. He tapped a finger against his thigh a few more times before closing the distance to Shepard's door. He held his hand up to knock but hesitated and let it drop back to his side. He shook his head again before leaning forward to gently place his head against the cool metal. He stayed like that for nearly a minute before he turned back to the mess hall and sat down on the nearest bench. Two minutes passed and he hadn't moved.

Shepard fast forwarded the video, watching the minutes tick by on the feed's automatic time recording. Forty-three minutes passed before Garrus stood, left the bench and walked back to the sleeping pod, his eyes on his feet the entire time. Shepard thought that she would give just about anything just then to know what he had been thinking. She rewound the recording and watched it three more times, trying very hard not to think about what might have happened if he had knocked or if she had come back out of her cabin to find him sitting there.

Shepard pursed her lips and slowly pressed down on the laptop lid until it snapped closed. They were still at least two hours away from Virmire, and she had to get Garrus out of her head. She glanced over at her bed and vetoed that location right away as thoughts of Garrus in that bed next to her filled her mind. Shepard dimmed her lights and sat down in the middle of the floor. She folded her legs; she started pushing thoughts aside and taking deep breaths. When she had reached that floating feeling of tranquility, she reached out for Jane.

"Jane?" Shepard said.

"Finally," Jane said.

Shepard chose to ignore the snark, "You said something about Saren getting away on Virmire. Can you tell me what happens?"

"Yeah. Sure. Well, when we make our choice between saving Williams or saving Alenko, Saren shows up at whichever location we go to. He flies in on a hovering platform, throwing biotics at us. We take cover and he jumps down to the ground. We fire at him but his biotic shield doesn't let the shots through," Jane said.

"How strong are his biotics?" Shepard asked.

"Very. He seems to have some level of immunity towards biotics as well. He talks to us, mocks us, tries to get us to see why his working with the reapers is a 'good' thing," said Jane.

"How could that possibly be a good thing?!" Shepard asked.

"Sovereign has him convinced that if he works with the reapers, he will be spared. He's convinced himself that he's not already indoctrinated. He thinks he's smarter than that, stronger than that. Anyway, then we fight and he gets his hands on us, around our throat and drags us across the ground and if we're at the AA Tower, he holds us over the edge. If we're at the bombsite he just holds us in the air," Jane said.

"Where's our team during this, we're not alone, right?" Shepard asks, not realizing how easily she has slipped in to using 'our' instead of 'your' and 'my'.

"Hurt, they're hurt and not able to really help. So, he has us in the air and Saren turn's his head for a second and we punch him in the face," Jane said.

"Nice," Shepard smirks.

Jane chuckles, "Yeah. So we hit him and he drops us to the ground. We're a little woozy from being choked and before we can get up again, he's on his hovering platform and flying away."

"Why don't we pursue him?" Shepard demands.

"How? We don't fly? Our team is hurt, the place is swarming with geth and there's a bomb about to go off," Jane said.

"Damn," said Shepard.

"Yeah, but it's OK, you'll find him again on the Citadel later. The Conduit is on Ilos. It's basically a back door to the Citadel built by the protheans during the last invasion," Jane said.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me that to start?!" Shepard said.

"I tried, Dawn. I fucking tried. I couldn't get through to you. By the time I finally could – Well, Ilos just wasn't the most pressing matter. Sure, you could skip Virmire. You could go straight to Ilos, but I've been giving it some thought and, I hate to admit it but I'm not really sure if it will help," Jane said.

"I can destroy it, hell blow up the whole planet if we have too!" Shepard said.

"And in doing so, it is quite likely that you would destroy the Citadel. I can't think of any way of destroying the Conduit that wouldn't also put the Citadel at risk. And even if the Citadel survived, it wouldn't guarantee that Saren wouldn't find another way onto the Citadel to transfer control of the Citadel to Sovereign," Jane said.

"What does Sovereign want with the Citadel?" Shepard asked.

"The Citadel is actually a mass relay. There are others like Sovereign, and if Sovereign can get control over the Citadel, he can use it to open a path for the other reapers. You absolutely must stop Saren, not just prevent him from getting to the Conduit," Jane said.

"Damn it!" growled Shepard.

"I'm sorry. There's more. If you don't go to Virmire and set off that bomb, if and when you face Saren again, he's going to have an army of genetically engineered, indoctrinated krogan at his command," Jane said.

"What?!" Shepard asked.

"That's what Saren is doing on Virmire. There's a breeding facility. He's making krogan. That's what Wrex gets so upset about. He sees this as a cure for the genophage, a way to potentially save his people," Jane said.

"And we want to blow it up, yeah I remember. I get it now," Shepard said. "I need to think about this. We'll talk more later."

"There's still so much to tell you. But yeah, OK, I get it," Jane said.

Shepard was pacing the floor of her cabin when she heard a knock, "It's open!"

The door slid open and Dr. Tulina came in, "Hello, Commander. Are you busy?"

"Not particularly, just planning. Running through scenarios in my head, what's up? Is Toombs OK?" Shepard asked.

"Toombs is still resistant to talking and has not yet agreed to allow a joining so that I might best be able to help him, but I am afraid I cannot tell you more than that without breaking his confidentiality," Dr. Tulina said.

"Right, of course. Sorry," Shepard said.

"Not at all, Commander. I have come to check on you, though. We have not spoken much since the veil revealed to you the events that are expected to happen on Virmire. I am told that we are now headed to Virmire, I thought perhaps you might wish to talk," Dr. Tulina said.

"Oh, OK, yeah. Here sit down," Shepard said holding her hand out to the chair before grabbing the second chair and pulling it over for herself.

Dr. Tulina sat down and folded her hands in her lap while watching Shepard.

"Where to start? Uh, well, I took your advice and started talking to uh, the veil, well actually her name is Jane," Shepard said.

"Her name is Jane?" Dr. Tulina asked.

"Yeah, uh – I'm not sure how to explain everything she told me so bear with me. It took a while for me to figure out how to really get through where I could hear her but we've made progress. I've started meditating and that seems to work quite well," Shepard said.

"Excellent. What have you discovered?" Dr. Tulina asked.

"The voices are… I don't know, past lives? Jane said that she has lived my life countless times," Shepard said.

"I am afraid I do not understand," Dr. Tulina said.

"She was once Commander Jane Shepard and she was called to serve on the Normandy. She encountered the beacon; she fought the geth and Saren. Fought the war against the reapers and then died," Shepard said.

"Jane is dead?" Dr. Tulina asked leaning forward.

"Yeah, well, when she died she… didn't stay dead exactly. She said she woke up trapped in a man's head, Commander John Shepard. Basically she watched as he went through the same things that she did, but she was never able to reach him. She said that when he died, they woke up together in someone else's head – another Commander Shepard and went through it all again," Shepard tried to explain.

"… write… biography, that… terrible," Jane said.

"I suppose that explains the different perspectives, and the differences in the visions," Dr. Tulina said.

"She said it's been at least a thousand lives," said Shepard.

"Has Jane explained to you how this happened?" Dr. Tulina asked.

"She doesn't know how or why, and she only wants to make it stop. She said this is the first time she's been able to reach someone, to be heard. She wants me to find a way to stop this cycle," Shepard said.

"How does Jane propose you stop this cycle?" Dr. Tulina asked.

"I don't think she has any idea, I think her plan revolved mostly around breaking through to me to warn me. With the hopes that I can change things enough that it doesn't happen again," Shepard said.

"… good plan!" Jane said.

"I didn't say it wasn't," Shepard thought.

Dr. Tulina seemed to hesitate before asking, "And what happens if you cannot break the cycle?"

"If I don't, when I die, I might wake up again with them all, too," Shepard said.

"I see. That sounds terrifying," Dr. Tulina sat quietly to give Shepard a chance to respond and then when she didn't, "It sounds like you are only able to speak with Jane, is that correct?"

"I – I don't know," said Shepard. "I haven't exactly tried to speak to any of the others, but the exception of when I heard them screaming during the joining, I haven't heard any of the others… Jane said that a lot of them are… unstable. It was all too much for them to handle… and they broke."

"… wouldn't recommend…," Jane said.

"Perhaps it is for the best, that you do not hear them as well," Dr. Tulina said. "How are you handling all of this, Commander? I must admit you seem far more composed than I would imagine."

"Uh, well, when I first was able to meditate and talk to Jane and she told me their story… and what might happen to me… Well, doc, I puked my guts out and cried myself to sleep," Shepard admitted.

"Ah, I see. That is an understandable reaction to such an event. How do you feel about Jane now, Commander?" Dr. Tulina asked.

Shepard shrugged, "I guess I feel sorry for her. And I want to help her. But mostly… I want her to help me. I don't want to end up like that, Dr. Tulina."

"I would be shocked if you did, Commander," Dr. Tulina said.

"So, yeah… there's a lot to think about. Right now my focus is Virmire, though, and figuring out how to keep shit from going sideways," Shepard said.

"Have you decided on how you will handle Virmire?" Dr. Tulina asked.

"I haven't told them about the deaths. Well – I told Garrus. He's good to talk to about things. But I haven't told the others because I'm afraid it would be a distraction during the mission," Shepard leaned forward resting her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands together, "More importantly, I hate to say this but the mission has to come first. Even if that means that I can't find a way to save both Ashley and Kaidan. It won't stop me from trying, of course, but part of being a soldier – a Commander – hell a Spectre… is doing what you have to do to get the job done. If I tell them, especially Kaidan and Ashley, there really isn't any way that I could expect them to keep their heads in the game. And then if I fail to save one of them, I think that it would make things significantly harder for everyone. Especially whichever of them I chose to save."

"I think that is a very wise decision, Commander. It sounds like you have given it a lot of thought. Have you a plan to save them both?" Dr. Tulina asked.

"The reason why one of them dies, ultimately, is because I allow one of my team to be placed under Kirrahe's command. Now, I'm not saying this is Kirrahe's fault but it leads to the two of them being in separate locations and both being in dire straits at the same time. I only have time to save one of them," Shepard spread her palms apart to emphasize her point.

Dr. Tulina nodded and hummed in her throat, encouraging Shepard to continue.

"So, the only thing I can really plan on doing is not allowing one of my team to go with Kirrahe. The vision Jane showed me indicates that other Shepards have been reluctant to send someone with him, but inevitably they have anyway. I will have to be firm on the point. It might cause some strain, though," Shepard leaned back in the chair, "I'll need to try to understand exactly why Kirrahe feels he needs one of my team and see if there is a suitable work around that can be found. If it seems there really is no other way… I'll have to let one of them go and make the hard choices that come with being a Commander."

"I see. Have you given thought to which you would save if it comes to making that decision?" Dr. Tulina asked.

Shepard heaved a sigh, letting it flutter strands of her hair in the air before brushing them out of her face, "No, Dr. Tulina. I haven't. I can't bring myself to do that. That feels a little too much like premeditated murder of one of my own."

Dr. Tulina stood, "That is an understandable, and perhaps appropriate feeling, Commander Shepard. Well, if you will excuse me, I should return to Toombs… and hope that I do not get distracted by pondering the existential questions the universe has always seemed reluctant to provide answers for until now."

Shepard chuckled before asking, "You think it'd be alright if I came with you? I don't want to upset him, but I'd like to see him."

"Yes, Commander. In fact, I think that is an excellent idea and would be very beneficial for Toombs," Dr. Tulina said.

Shepard walked to the med bay with Dr. Tulina and her heart sank. She saw Toombs sitting in a chair next to the bed she so recently occupied staring at nothing. He was so still, and so empty looking, it was hard to believe he was really even alive. Dr. Chakwas was sitting at her desk but was turned just enough that she could watch Toombs out of the corner of her eye.

"Hey, Toombs. Is it alright if I sit with you for a while?" Shepard asked.

Toombs turned his head slowly to look at Shepard, he blinked a few times but otherwise his expression remained the same. Cold, empty… dead.

"Your ship, Commander," Toombs said monotonously.

Shepard pulled up a chair to sit at an angle facing Toombs. He went back to staring at nothing. Shepard leaned forward putting her elbows on her knees.

"I'm sorry, Toombs. I'm so sorry that I had no idea what that you were still alive. No idea what they were doing to you. And I'm sorry that you're here now hurting. I think things can get better for you, Toombs. If you try, if you work on it with the doctors," Shepard said.

Shepard saw tears start to well up in Toombs' eyes. Her heart ached and her stomach twisted into knots.

"… look like… better," Jane said.

After a very long moment of silence, Toombs whispered, "Why am I here, Shepard?"

Shepard watched the first tear fall from his eyes as she responded, "Because, Toombs. I'm hoping that you'll let me help you. And because you're safe here, under my authority, from facing charges for killing those scientists. Because I understand why you did it. Because I would have done the same, Toombs. Because some part of me wishes that they were still alive so I could kill them all over again for what they did to you."

Dr. Tulina cleared her throat and when Shepard looked up at her she subtly shook her head. Shepard frowned and turned back to Toombs trying to choose her next words more carefully.

He closed his eyes, forcing more tears to roll down his scarred cheeks and let out a quivering sigh. "I don't think you can help me, Shepard. I don't think the doctors can help me. You should have just let me die," Toombs said.

Shepard closed her eyes and hung her head, "I couldn't do that, Toombs. I'm sorry."

"Go away, Shepard. Just leave me alone," Toombs sobbed.

"Is that what you really want?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah. Please, just leave me alone," Toombs said.

"Alright, Toombs. I'm not going to stay away, but I'll give your space for now," Shepard said.

She stood up and looked at Dr. Tulina. The doctor gave her a sympathetic smile. Shepard turned and left for the cockpit. She slid into the seat next to Joker, and heaved a sigh.

"How far out are we, Joker?" Shepard asked.

Joker pressed a few buttons on the screen, "ETA one hour. So that guy, in the med bay, he was on Akuze with you?"

"Yeah, I thought they were all dead. Apparently I was wrong. He says that Cerberus got ahold of him, did a number on him. Ran tests involving thresher maw venom," Shepard said.

"Damn. Cerberus, the same Cerberus we've been butting heads with?" Joker asked.

"Seems so," Shepard said.

Shepard tried really hard not to think about the fact that in the vision with Kaidan slash Ashley, they said she was working with Cerberus. She couldn't imagine a reality where she would ever work with such obvious bottom feeders if not for one really big, really good reason. She'd have to be pretty damn desperate, too. With the way the Council was denying the existence of the reapers, she imagined it might have something to do with that. She would talk to Jane about that eventually, but right now she had enough on her plate and ignored Jane's buzzing.

"He must be one tough S.O.B. to have lived through that shit," Joker said.

Shepard smiled, "Yeah. He really was. Now, I just hope he's tough enough to live through himself."

"That bad, huh?" Joker asked.

"Yeah, that bad," Shepard said.

"So, rumor has it that you and your boy toy turian shared 'a moment' this morning right in the middle of the mess hall," Joker said breaking the silence that had stretched out over a few minutes.

"What rumors, Joker? You don't leave this damn cockpit," Shepard said.

"Don't need to leave when I have a ship wide intercom system and security feeds at my fingertips," Joker said.

"So when you say 'rumor' what you really mean is you heard someone talking while you were spying on them," Shepard said.

"Uh, duh. I mean, yes, ma'am," Joker said with a smirk.

"Smartass. Well, he's not my 'boy toy turian' and we didn't have 'a moment'. Garrus has been really supportive of me with all the crap that's happening," Shepard said.

"I don't know, Commander. Rumor has it he was sitting pretty close to you and he put his hand on you. Tali said he turned your chin to make you look at him, that's got to mean something. At least that's what Tali thinks," Joker said.

Shepard turned sideways in her chair and leaned towards Joker. She suppressed a smile as he watched her out of the corner of his eye. She reached out a hand and repeated the gesture that Garrus had used on her.

"Ow, ow, watch my bones. What are you doing?" Joker furrowed his brow but didn't resist the motion.

When he was looking at her, Shepard raised an eyebrow pointedly and let him go.

"Oh, great. Now you're going to propose marriage to me. I knew you had the hots for me, Commander," Joker said.

Shepard laughed and shook her head sitting back in her seat.

"You're something else, Joker," she said.

"I would get on the comm and tell everyone that you're in here touching me, but then you might try to die on us again," Joker said.

"Not funny, Moreau," Shepard said with a contradictory smile on her face.

Joker glanced over at her, "Really? I thought it was hilarious."

Shepard was relieved that Joker seemed oblivious to her midnight walk to the sleep pods and Garrus' resulting actions. She hoped he didn't make a habit of reviewing old feeds out of boredom or she'd never hear the end of it. Shepard chuckled and stood up.

"Alright, Joker. Give the ship a heads up at ETA thirty minutes," She patted him on the shoulder and turned to leave.

"There you go with the touching again," Joker said over his shoulder.

Shepard smirked and turned back, "Does it bother you, Joker? I mean really?"

"Maybe, it could. I mean, you're my commanding officer and all, it's not like I could just tell you to stop," Joker said.

"First of all, I wouldn't buy that load of crap from you of all people if you gift wrapped it with a pretty ribbon and said it was gold. Second, I have it on good authority that while I was unconscious one Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau was seen patting my shoulder before he left the med bay," Shepard said.

"Oh. She told you. Figures. Damn tyrant," Joker grumbled.

"Yep," Shepard said popping the 'p'. "She told me, and it made my heart get all warm and fuzzy inside. Face it Joker, you're stuck with me."

"Yeah, yeah. Suppose there's worse people to be stuck with. Of course, that means you're stuck with me," Joker said turning his head to look up at her with a smirk.

"Wouldn't have it any other way, Joker," Shepard said.

She patted his shoulder again on principle before leaving. She heard him chuckle as she went and it brought a smile to her face. She went to the mess hall and grabbed a couple of protein bars. She plastered a smile on her face and nodded at Kaidan, it was getting increasingly difficult to look at either him or Ashley without imagining them dead.

At her locker, she decided what she wanted to take with her and looked over her gear from Ontarom. She had to admit that Garrus took better care of it all than she would have. She was just starting to put on her armor when Kaidan came over to help her. She did her best to keep her face neutral and smile when she thought it appropriate but some of her reservation must have leaked through.

"Are you nervous, Commander?" Kaidan asked.

"Yeah, I suppose I am. A lot riding on this, isn't there?" Shepard said.

Kaidan chuckles, "You might say that. I have faith in you, Commander. I think that if anyone can do this, it's you."

"Thanks, Kaidan. But aren't I the one who is supposed to be giving you a pep talk?" Shepard asked.

"You're only human, Shepard. We all need a little encouragement from time to time," Kaidan said.

Shepard gave him a genuine smile at that.

"ETA to Virmire, thirty minutes," Joker's voice came over the comm.

"Alright, Alenko. It's show time. Go get your ass in armor, marine," Shepard said.

"Yes ma'am," he chuckled and walked with her to the elevator.

The cargo bay was a flurry of motion as everyone gathered around their lockers to get there armor and weapons ready. The Mako was prepped and ready to go. They wouldn't all be able to go down in the Mako; it wasn't big enough for that. There would be a ground team going in first to secure the location and then the Normandy would land.

Shepard planned on taking Tali and Wrex down with her to clear the way for the Normandy. She knew that there would be a lot geth, and the potential for facing krogan was clear. She moved around the cargo bay making sure that everyone had the best of everything before anyone went groundside. Shepard's frustration over spending credits on the HMWP VII when she later found better weapons was short lived. When she saw how well the Karpov IX pistol handled, she was nothing short of giddy. She ended up getting herself a HMWSG VII shotgun from the Spectre requisitions as well. She kept the HMWP VII; it was up in her cabin next to her bed. It was somewhat of a trophy to her. Something to mark her ascension to Spectre status.

Everyone gathered around Shepard and she knew they were expecting her to say something. Shepard shifted her weight and took her time looking at everyone; meeting each pressing gaze with as much affected calm and confidence as she could.

"Alright, everyone. I can't even begin to try to explain everything that I know about what we're about to face. There are going to be some tense moments. Some of you might be tempted to question my actions and my choices," Shepard let her eyes rest on Wrex for a moment.

"I know that not all of you are soldiers. In a way, that makes your presence here that much more impressive because you aren't here on orders but you took it upon yourself. You made a choice to follow me in this hunt for Saren. I know that you all have different reasons, different fealties, but you are a part of my crew," Shepard said.

"And as a part of my crew, I expect you to follow my orders when we're out there. You don't have to agree with me, but I need you to know that when I make a call it is because it is what is best for the mission. However, just because I will do what needs to be done to see this thing through, it does not mean that I am willing to cast aside the needs and safety of my crew. If I ask you to do something you don't like, and inevitably I will, do as I ask knowing that I am either asking because it is imperative for the mission or for your safety," She let her eyes linger on Ashley and Kaidan.

"I want us all to walk out of this alive, and we will walk out victorious. Alright, let's go. Wrex, Tali, with me in the Mako. Everyone else will go in with the Normandy once the ground team gets the AA Towers shut down and it's safe for Joker to land," Shepard said.

Everyone started to break away, Tali and Wrex heading to the Mako.

"Garrus? Walk with me a minute?" Shepard said before he could leave.

"Of course, Shepard," Garrus moved to Shepard's side and let her lead him towards Engineering.

There would be only humans in Engineering now; she wouldn't need to worry about being overheard. Once they were inside Engineering and the door was closed beside them, Shepard stopped Garrus in the doorway.

"Listen, things are going to get ugly with Wrex down there. Saren's set up a krogan breeding facility. He's making an army…," Shepard rubbed her forehead. "The salarians are going to have a plan to blow up the facility."

Garrus sucked a breath as the implications hit him, "What do you need me to do, Shepard?"

"I'll handle Wrex, but I'm going to need you to distract Ashley when the time comes. I will talk Wrex down. I've… seen how to do it, what needs to be said. I just know that a lot has changed from the visions I've been having and… well, to be honest, I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket," Shepard said.

When Garrus raised an eye ridge in question, "Human saying, ask me later and I'll explain it. Anyway, Ashley is going to want to take Wrex down. She won't wait for my signal. If she thinks things are going sideways, she's going to shoot Wrex in the back of the head. Keep her away from Wrex. Restrain her if you need to – hell; knock her ass out if you must. Kaidan will probably be upset but tell him it's on my orders, he'll back off. Think you can handle that?"

Garrus crossed his arms, "Shepard. I'm disappointed you think you even need to ask."

"Don't get cocky on me, Garrus. Williams can be kinda wily," Shepard said with a smirk.

Garrus put a hand on her shoulder making Shepard's heart flutter, "Don't worry, Shepard. I got this."

"Thanks, Garrus. Not just for this… but everything," Shepard said.

"Hey, when I said 'anything', I meant it," Garrus said, his visor constricting and expanding.

Shepard reached up and squeezed the hand on her shoulder, "Careful there, Garrus. I'm already considering putting you in charge of maintaining my gear from now on. You really shouldn't have done such a fantastic job."

Garrus chuckled, "Well, I don't do anything half-assed as you humans say."

"Good to know," Shepard said.

A blush started to creep up her cheeks so she quickly turned back to the door and cleared her throat, "We should, uh, we should get back out there."

"I'm right behind you, Shepard," Garrus said.

Shepard made straight for the Mako and climbed in the driver's seat. Wrex was already in the passenger's seat and Tali was manning the guns. Joker's voice came over the comm letting her know they were approaching the landing site. She saw the ramps by the cargo door start to lower and she started the Mako, pulling it forward. The cargo door opened and Shepard drove the Mako off the ship, kicking on the thrusters to soften the blow when they neared the ground. The Mako landed with a splash, kicking up the shallow water that filled the mountainous pass.

Shepard reached out for Jane's guidance. The pass wound and split in several locations as they went. Pockets of geth were spread out in strategic positions. Shepard went out of her way to make sure that they got every last one of them. They stopped at a gatehouse to clear out the top floor where Tali couldn't get a lock with the Mako. A second gatehouse housed the AA guns. It was heavily guarded, complete with a geth destroyer. Shepard deactivated the AA guns generator and opened the gates so she could pass through with the Mako. Joker radioed to let her know he was headed to the salarian base.

Back out at the Mako she saw the Normandy fly by overhead and disappear behind the mountains. They fought their way through more geth to clear out a final gatehouse. Joker called in to report that the Normandy reached the camp and was grounded. Shepard had expected as much. The rest of the way to the salarian camp was clear. She hopped out of the Mako and made her way up to the salarian she recognized from her visions.

"Commander Shepard, Council Spectre. I'm sure you were hoping for more reinforcements but the message you sent the Council was unclear. They sent me to investigate the nature of your current status and to render aid," Shepard said coming to a stop next to Ashley.

"Captain Kirrahe, Third Infiltration Regiment STG. That is unfortunate; we really could have used a fleet. I've lost a lot of men investigating this place," Kirrahe said.

"What's here?" Kaidan asked from Shepard's other side.

"A krogan breeding facility. Saren has set it up as his base of operations. He's raising a krogan army," Kirrahe said.

Wrex walked over, "Breeding krogan? How is that possible?"

"Apparently Saren discovered a cure for the genophage," Kirrahe said.

Shepard shifted watching Wrex closely, "We can't let Saren take control of a krogan army. The Council isn't taking this reaper threat seriously, and they aren't committing more people to stopping Saren. We're in this alone."

"Reapers. Yes, I recall mention of that in the reports you made to the Council. Perhaps if we make it out of here alive, you can fill me in on the details, Commander? For now, we have to find a way to ensure that this facility and its secrets are destroyed," Kirrahe said.

Shepard had to school her features to keep from wincing.

Wrex shook his head, "This can save my people. We aren't destroying this place."

Kirrahe looked from Wrex to Shepard, "That would be a tremendous mistake. The krogan would be unstoppable. The Council would never approve, Spectre. They won't make that mistake again."

"Wrex…," Shepard said in warning as he moved towards the salarian.

He turned to look at Shepard; his anger was nearly a physical presence on its own, "Shepard. My people are not a mistake. If there is a cure for the genophage I want it!"

"I know Wrex," Shepard said.

Wrex stormed off down the beach and started firing his gun at the fish in the water. Shepard glanced over at Garrus who had been standing a few feet away. He nodded discreetly and strode over to stand next to Ashley. Shepard turned back to Kirrahe.

"I fear this may be problematic," Kirrahe said.

"I'll handle Wrex, you figure out how we're going to pull this off," Shepard said.

She started to go to Wrex but Kaidan spoke up, "Things here are worse than I thought they'd be, are you sure we can pull this off, Commander?"

"Absolutely, Alenko," Shepard said.

"What about Wrex, ma'am? Look at him, he's about to explode… those poor fish," Ashley said.

"Let me handle Wrex, Williams. I can talk him down," Shepard said.

"If you say so ma'am, but I'll keep an eye on him just in case," Ashley said.

"Williams, let me handle Wrex," Shepard commanded before turning her back, trusting Garrus to do his job.

She heard Garrus strike up a conversation as she walked away, "What weapons did Shepard set you up with?"

She stopped a few feet away from Wrex and he turned to look at her.

"… all… very, very…many changes… may not… help you," Jane said.

"Changes is what you wanted, Jane," Shepard reminded her.

"… but I… help you… don't… happening… my best," Jane said.

Understanding her intent, Shepard thought back to Jane, "I understand. Do what you can and try to give me a heads up if I'm walking into completely new territory."

"Yes," Jane said.

"We're not doing this, Shepard. This isn't right. My people need this cure. We've suffered from the Council's betrayal for too long," Wrex said.

"You're right. You have, but we have to do this Wrex," Shepard said. "You heard what Shiala said on Feros. You've fought krogan under Saren's influence. You know we can't let this continue. We can't let Saren have an army of krogan who are bent to his will."

"Good," Jane said.

"We don't let Saren have them; you said he'd be here. We kill him, problem solved," Wrex said turning to face Shepard.

"Problem not solved, Wrex. Even if we do kill Saren here, the things that he's done to these krogans' minds isn't going to end with Saren. Benezia said that it was the ship, Sovereign that causes the indoctrination. And I firmly believe she is right. Everything that I have seen says she is right. We know that Saren has a lot of people following him. Anyone of them might step up to take his place. This thing isn't as simple as killing Saren," Shepard said.

"Good?" Jane said sticking to single words since they were the easiest to get through.

"I'm willing to take that chance, Shepard. This is my people we're talking about," Wrex said stepping closer to Shepard to lean his face close to hers.

"And I'm not willing to take that chance, Wrex. This is the entire galaxy we're talking about if Saren or one of his flunkies get their hands on these krogan or are allowed to keep the knowledge of how to make more somewhere else," Shepard said standing her ground.

"Bad," Jane said.

"I've been loyal to you, Shepard. You've got to give me something better than this, Shepard. On the Normandy, you made it clear that you expect us to all follow your orders. I've done everything you've asked, Shepard without question but if this is going to happen, I have to know it's for the right reasons," Wrex said pointing his gun at Shepard.

Shepard fought back the urge to pull out her own gun. She heard Ashley screaming at Garrus down the beach, telling him to let her go. Shepard closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath.

"New. Good," Jane said.

"He's pointing his gun at me and that's good?" Shepard asked.

"Always does," Jane said. "You're… at him… restrained."

"Wrex. These krogan are not your people. They are mindless tools that Saren is using to bring about the destruction of all civilization. Tools, just like the Council treated the krogan only he won't be as kind when he's done with them. I know you want more for your people, Wrex. I want more for them, too. But is this really how you want to get it?" Shepard asked waving her hand out towards the facility.

"Very good," Jane said.

Wrex lowered his gun, "Alright, Shepard. You've got a quad. You've made your point. I want Saren's head for this. His head, Shepard. We don't turn him into the Council, we take his head. Promise me that, Shepard."

"You got it, Wrex. In the meantime, I'm keeping you with me. Now, I can't keep my eyes on you the whole time, there's no telling what we'll find in there so don't make this hard on me," Shepard said dropping her voice low and praying it wouldn't carry to anyone else' ears.

"I mean, who knows what data you might be able to find while I'm not looking," Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"New," Jane said. "Nice touch."

"Thanks," Shepard thought.

Shepard knew her message had been received when Wrex's eyes grew a little wider and the corner of his mouth twitched, "You don't need to worry, Shepard. I won't make this difficult for you."

Shepard smiled, "So, are we good?"

"We're good, let's get this over with," Wrex said.

Shepard patted Wrex on the shoulder and made her way back to the very pissed off Ashley. Shepard stopped in front of Ashley and crossed her arms over her chest. She pursed her lips and waited for Ashley to look at her. Shepard could feel a sense of smug satisfaction coming from Jane.

"What did I say before we went groundside, Williams?" Shepard asked.

"He had a gun on you, ma'am. I felt duty-bound to intervene," Ashley said.

"I gave you an order, Williams. When I give you an order you are expected to follow that order. You above all others, the exception being Alenko, on my team are expected to follow any order I give regardless of what you think about that order," Shepard said with a cold stare. "Now, maybe I've just been too friendly with you while we're on the ship and that gave you the impression that it's OK to disregard my orders when you deem it necessary. If that's the case, Williams, then you tell me now and I will be sure to keep shit so formal it makes you want to cry. Do I make myself clear, Williams?"

"Yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am. It won't happen again." Ashley said.

"Let her go, Garrus," Shepard said.

Garrus let Ashley's wrists that he had pinned behind her back go. Ashley rolled her shoulders and rubbed at her wrists.

"You see, that's how you follow an order," Shepard said.

"Ouch," Jane said.

"Too much?" Shepard asked Jane.

"Not… my book," Jane said.

She turned and made her way back to Kirrahe, "What have you got, Captain?"

"Our ship's drive system can be converted into a twenty-kiloton ordnance. It will have to be placed in the far side of the facility for this to work." Kirrahe said. "It can be moved to the location in your ship, but ground teams will have to clear the area first and disable the AA guns."

"With all due respect, Captain, but we don't have enough men for that," Kaidan said.

"I assume you've thought this through completely and there is no other way?" Shepard asked Kirrahe.

"I have, and there is not. I will divide my men into three teams. We will hit the front of the facility while your 'shadow' team sneaks in the back." Kirrahe said.

"You'll suffer heavy losses, Captain," Shepard said. "It would be best if you can create a diversion that doesn't involve throwing your men at their fortifications. Give me a minute?"

"… doing?… oh… not bad… works," Jane said.

"Time is short, Commander, please hurry," Kirrahe said.

Shepard opened her comm link, "Tali I need you over by the main tent."

"Right away, Commander," Tali said.

A moment later Tali walked up, "How can I help, Shepard?"

"Tali, we need a diversion. Something to throw at the front of the facility to distract the geth and probably krogan long enough to give Kirrahe's men a fighting chance. The more damage, the better. And we need it quick. Any ideas?" Shepard asked.

"The fastest I could do would be to take apart the Mako's cannons and wire them for use as a turret. It would be heavy, it would take two or three men probably to set it up but it would be easy for them to do. I think I saw a cart in the cargo bay that they could use to help transport it to their location," Tali said.

"… my girl… genius… doesn't… it," Jane said.

Shepard turned to Kirrahe and raised an eyebrow, "Kirrahe?"

"That would be quite useful. Perhaps a little difficult to transport but I think we could manage," Kirrahe said.

Shepard asked Tali, "How long?"

"Thirty minutes maybe? With a little help I could probably have it ready in twenty," Tali said.

"Good with you, Captain?" Shepard asked.

"Yes, I believe we can spare the time for such a weapon," Kirrahe said.

She turned back to Tali, "Do it. Garrus, give her a hand."

"I think you may have just pushed the odds in our favor. Excellent work, Commander," Kirrahe said.

"Not my work, Captain, but I'll be sure to tell Tali you said so," Shepard said.

"One more thing, Commander. I will need one of your team to accompany us to help coordinate the teams," Kirrahe said.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Captain. They can help you to coordinate from this base but as soon as I leave, they leave," Shepard said.

"Commander, this mission is too important for personal preferences to stand in the way," Kirrahe said.

"It's not a matter of personal preferences, Kirrahe. You're taking your men into be slaughtered. I'm not sending one of mine," Shepard said. "I'm giving your teams all of the help that I can by having Tali take apart my Mako. I will gladly give you whatever aid I can as we go; sabotage their defenses as I can and I will be happy to airlift your team out of here when the bomb is set, but my team stays with the ship or with me."

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably next to her. Ashley stayed still and quiet, her eyes locked dead ahead.

"I see. That is most unfortunate. I suppose I will have no choice but to take you up on your offer to help coordinate from here," Kirrahe said.

"New!" Jane said. "… got… agree… press the…"

"I can help them, Commander," Kaidan said.

"Thank you, Alenko. Captain, is there no one that you have that would be able to aid with co-ordinations on the field?" Shepard asked.

"No one else of rank, I'm afraid. I will give it some thought, though. My men are all well trained. A few of them may soon even be up for promotion," Kirrahe said.

Kaidan left with Kirrahe to go over the maps and help to coordinate as he could. Twenty minutes later, Tali and Garrus returned pulling a cart loaded with their rigged turret. Shepard watched with pride as Tali and Garrus showed the salarians how to assemble and dissemble the turret as well as how to use it once it was in place. The men assigned to man the turret spent a few minutes putting it together an taking it back apart until they were moving with speed and precision. The teams were assigned and Kirrahe gathered before his men to give them a speech.

Shepard wasn't paying much attention but she was pretty sure she heard him say something about holding the line far more times than was necessary. She was lost in thought, wondering what impact her actions here would have. She couldn't shake the nagging thought that she might be causing the mission to fail somehow by refusing to send one of her team. She assured herself that these salarians were STG; the best the salarians had to offer. Surely they could manage their own teams. She glanced at Kaidan and Ashley. Ashley was pissed off at Shepard, she could see it all over her face but she had fallen in line and that was all that mattered. Kaidan was frowning and his brow was furrowed. He was unhappy about something; possibly her refusal to send one of her team with Kirrahe. She wasn't too worried though, he'd have to sort his own feelings out on this one. Kaidan was a reliable soldier, he'd do as he was told when push came to shove.

When Kirrahe was done talking, Shepard called Garrus and Wrex to be on her 'shadow' team. The others were making their way back to the Normandy to secure the bomb. Shepard led her team through the ankle-deep waters with their guns drawn. Kirrahe's voice came over the comm directing his teams. Shepard let Jane lead her through the area, heading straight for the communications tower. After killing the geth that were guarding the area, Shepard disabled the communications uplink to make it a little easier for Kirrahe's teams.

Pushing forward, Shepard went out of her way to take down every pocket of geth that Jane could remember and kept her eye on her scanners for more. They made their way to the satellite uplink tower and Shepard shot down the satellite while Garrus and Wrex focused on the geth and krogan. Once the satellite fell, she joined them in firing on their enemies. She was glad to see that Wrex wasn't hesitating as he used a Throw to keep the krogan from charging.

The refueling station proved to be a bit trickier than the other locations. The assault and rocket drones forced Shepard back until she could get a bead on the fuel tank that was beneath the larger group of drones. Shepard shot the tank; the resulting explosion took care of half the drones for her. The remaining drones weren't getting close enough for it to do much damage when she shot the second tank, so she had to take them out with guns and Garrus' tech.

At the facility's back entrance, geth shields dotted the walkways. Shepard saw both krogan and geth near the doors. She took advantage of the geth shields that were on her side of the walkway leading up the building while they lasted. She concentrated on keeping the krogan on their side by using her biotics to knock them back or lift them into the air while Wrex filled them full of holes. When the last krogan was down they turned their attention to the geth only to find that Garrus had already cleaned house.

They moved across the walkway and through a door on the far right. The door opened up on another walkway that led down to a row of locked doors. Garrus hopped on the console and set to work opening the doors for them. He offered to divert any guards by triggering an alarm on the other side of the base, it would put more heat on Kirrahe's teams but clear the way for them. Shepard told him there wasn't any fun in that; it earned her a sly grin from Garrus and a low chuckle from Wrex.

With the doors now unlocked, Shepard's team moved into the building to face geth destroyers and indoctrinated salarians. Kirrahe had said he'd lost a lot of men to this place, he just didn't specify how exactly. Thanks to Jane, Shepard wasn't surprised and didn't hesitate to shoot. The room was filled with crates providing her plenty of cover as she snaked her way around the destroyers to shoot at them while their backs were turned. A few stairs at the back of the room led her to more salarians and a geth juggernaut.

"Shit!" Shepard said ducking back behind a crate.

"… didn't think… this time," Jane whispered.

Shepard turned around the corner of the crate to fire her shotgun into the juggernaut's chest before moving back down the stairs. She gave orders to her team to hit it with everything they had. The juggernaut rounded the corner and stood at the top of the steps where it was hit full force with both Shepard and Wrex's Carnage shot gun blasts, and Garrus' assault rifle Overkill. The juggernaut stumbled forward and crashed down the stairs. Shepard skirted around its mechanical corpse to put down the crazed salarians before taking her team through the door at the back.

They passed through the small room and out another door onto a catwalk overlooking detention cells. She heard a salarian call out to her from one of the cells as she passed. Another door opened into a room with more indoctrinated salarians that were easily incapacitated. An elevator stood out against the wall on the right-hand side, situated between two other doors.

Shepard turned to face the doors while Wrex moved to the computers in the room. Garrus walked up next to Shepard and like her, turned his back to Wrex.

"You, uh, do know what he's doing, right?" Garrus asked quietly.

Shepard shrugged her shoulders before glancing at Garrus, "I didn't see anything. I have no clue what you're talking about."

Garrus nodded slowly, but she could see the tension in his mandibles, "Alright, Shepard."

When Wrex joined them again Shepard took the first door down to the detention cells below. She spent some time talking to the salarian through the thick glass. He said his name was Lieutenant Ganto Imness and he told her all about the horrors he was forced to watch as Saren's people put his fellow salarians through the indoctrination process. Apparently, they had left him alone as a control subject. Shepard was hesitant, but he sounded sane and Jane seemed amendable to the idea so Shepard released Imness but told him he was on his own. The salarian wasted no time fleeing the facility, hoping to escape the blast range before Shepard blew the place up.

Another cell was filled with salarians that were long past saving. They milled about mindlessly, groaning. Shepard opened the cell and shot each one of them. It was a mercy, that wasn't life in there anymore; they were hollow shells – nearly husks. Wrex grunted in approval as they made their way back up top and through the other door. It led upstairs to more detention cells where Shepard stopped to talk to another coherent salarian prisoner. This one, Private Menos Avot was definitely indoctrinated even if he wasn't as mindless as the others. He begged her to let him out but she refused. Distraught, the salarian charged the cell and cracked his head on the glass before slumping to the ground. Shepard opened the door and shot him in the head before doing the same for the ones in the next cells. Stairs past the cells led down to more of the indoctrinated.

They made their way back to the elevator to the research labs. The room was lined with fusion containment cells holding husks in stasis. Shepard ignored them and moved deeper into the room towards where she knew a krogan and asari would be found. She was spotted and the asari called out for guards. The husks poured out of their stasis chambers and charged at Shepard's team. She trusted in Wrex and Garrus to keep the husks off of her while she focused first on taking down the asari before turning her gun on the krogan doctor.

When the room was clear, Shepard was careful to keep her eyes off of Wrex while she examined the fusion containment cells and dug through crates. Wrex bellowed with rage and Shepard heard a crash. She turned to see him knocking computers off tables and knocking over machines and cursing.

"Not good," Jane whispered.

"Clearly," Shepard thought back with a frown.

"Nothing! There's nothing here, Shepard. They must have destroyed it all when they saw us coming," Wrex bellowed.

"I'm sorry, Wrex. It was worth a shot. Don't lose focus on me now, Wrex," Shepard said.

Wrex slammed his fist into a wall before taking a few deep breaths.

He hung his head, "I'm with you, Shepard."

A door in the middle of the room led to another exterior walkway. They followed it around the side of the building and to another door guarded by two troopers. Shepard didn't even need to slow down to take them out and then she was through the door. An asari was hiding under the table when the door opened.

She came out of hiding and begged for her freedom. She said her name was Rana Thanoptis and tried to barter for her life by unlocking the way to the elevator to Saren's lab. Shepard waited for her to open the elevator before shooting her in the head. She didn't know why she felt the need to justify the action to Garrus, but she did.

"She was nowhere near as innocent as she tried to make herself sound," Shepard said.

Garrus didn't seem to care in the slightest. Wrex eyed the asari's computer and Shepard turned away. He wasn't able to find anything there about the krogan but sent some information about indoctrination to Shepard's omni-tool before they went through the door and across the walkway. The next door opened into a small room with the elevator.

The elevator let them off on a platform. Down below, was a prothean beacon. Shepard had expected Wrex to insist on using the beacon himself. She didn't want to have to explain to him that all of the things she had been doing lately had nothing to do with the beacon but it turned out that she didn't need to. Wrex was more focused on losing information that could have helped to save his people.

Shepard made her way down the staircase and activated the beacon. Like before, green light reached out from it and lifted her off of her feet flooding her mind with images of death and destruction. When it released her, she dropped to her knees on the concrete. Garrus was there to slide a hand under her arm and help pull her to her feet.

"You good, Commander?" Garrus asked.

"Yeah, I'm good," she said.

Shepard walked back up the stairs and on to where the platform extended out into the room. Red holographic controls had opened up to the left and right. As she approached, a looming image of Sovereign appeared.

"You are not Saren," Sovereign said.

"Nope," Shepard said popping her 'p'. "But I know who you are. I know what you are. I know what you're trying to do. And I will stop you. So, we done here? Good. Fuck you."

Shepard raised her pistol and fired into the power sources that lined the wall below, the holographic image flickered and disappeared. She turned to see Garrus and Wrex staring at her wide eyed.

"What? He's a big bad reaper and our puny mortal minds can't even begin to understand. They bring order to the chaos blah, blah, blah. I've already heard it all. Don't need to hear it again," Shepard said.

"That was a reaper? I thought it was just a reaper ship!" Garrus said.

"Oh, did I forget to mention that? Sorry," Shepard said.

"Uh, Commander?" Joker's voice came through the comm.

"I'm here, Joker," Shepard said.

"I don't know what you did, but this has you written all over it. Whatever it was, you pissed someone off good. That ship, Sovereign, its headed right for you now. That thing just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half," Joker said.

"Thanks for the heads up, Joker," Shepard said.

A geth destroyer met them back out on the walkway. The destroyer charged at Shepard while the trio fired at it and it crashed just before reaching her. She stepped over it and moved to the door at the other end of the walkway. As they went through the door she saw a bridge being lowered to connect the walkway to the next area. Two heavily shielded krogans waited on the other side. Beyond them a door led to a hallway that wrapped around to the left before exiting back outdoors.

A tiered deck lined the side of the building, narrowing into a walkway that curved upwards around the corner before empting out onto another tiered deck. Krogan and geth waited at the top. The foot soldiers were of little concern but the rocket drones were more problematic. They had more options for cover in this area and so were able to avoid major injuries. When the drones were down, Shepard headed up the stairs to shut off the turret generator. Just then, more geth arrived from behind her team. Shepard was ready for them though, and the three more that appeared when the elevator opened up beside her.

She kicked the geth corpses out of the way and stepped into the elevator. The elevator let them out in a hall. Shepard stopped to raid the Medi-gel station, restocking her supply before heading towards the next door. A geth stalker fired on her team the second the door was opened. Shepard used her biotics to ground it while Garrus finished it off. The path to the door across from them was filled with ankle-deep water. Hydraulic support beams lined either side.

Shepard hit the door control and the door slid up, letting her into the location that they would be placing the bomb. She moved back from where the Normandy would be landing when she saw it fly in overhead. The cargo doors opened and she noticed none of the men helping Ashley unload the bomb was Kaidan.

A cold sense of dread washed over her, "Williams, where's Alenko?"

"He's with the salarians, ma'am," Ashley said.

"No… Kaidan… damn it," Jane whispered.

"What? What do you mean he's with the salarians? What happened?" Shepard demanded.

"After your team left, Kaidan decided he was going to help Captain Kirrahe. He told me to tell you that he accepts the consequences, whatever they may be but that it was the right thing to do," Ashley said.

The Normandy took off to go to the rendezvous location.

"Gods damn it, why didn't you try to stop him?" Shepard raised her voice.

"He's a superior officer, ma'am. I was just following orders," Ashley said.

Shepard was too furious to care about the spiteful edge Ashley's voice had taken on. Kaidan was with the salarians. One of them was going to have to die now.

"Damn it, Williams!" Shepard yelled, her hands clenching into fists at her side.

"Commander, I uh, I don't think I'm going to make it to the rendezvous point," Kaidan's voice broke through the comm.

Ashley's face went pale, "Commander, I'm going to need a couple of minutes to finish arming –."

"There isn't time," Shepard said quietly.

She felt Garrus move up beside her in silent support.

"I'm sorry, ma'am?" Ashley said.

"I said there isn't fucking time!" Shepard yelled.

Shepard opened her comm link, "Kaidan. I – I can't come for you. I'm sorry. The geth dropship will be here any second and if I leave now… Williams and the rest of the bomb crew will die. This was why I told Kirrahe no. Damn it, Kaidan. I wish you had listened."

"It's alright, Commander. I understand. I have no regrets. You protect the others and get that bomb set. I'm sorry, Ash. Be good to the Commander, she's going to need you at her side," Kaidan said.

"What? No! You knew?! You knew this was going to happen and you didn't tell us? No, Commander, go get LT. I'll deal with the bomb. Don't worry; I'll make sure it goes off. No matter what," Ashley said.

Shepard shook her head slowly, fighting back the tears in her eyes, "No, Williams. That's not going to happen. Finish with the bomb and prepare for a fight. The geth are on their way and Saren won't be far behind."

"I… yes ma'am," Ashley said.

Shepard pointed at the door opposite of the one she entered by, "There will be krogan behind that door. Wrex, Garrus."

Shepard opened the door and the three of them opened fired. Shepard was so filled with rage that despite her best intentions, despite her machinations, Kaidan was still going to die. She charged one of the krogan, firing into it over and over again. Shepard heard Garrus swear and Wrex roar. The sound of their pounding footsteps let her know that they were right behind her. When the severely wounded krogan was within a few feet of Shepard, she used her biotics to fling him against the sharp edge of one of the hydraulic supports snapping his spine in half. He dropped back to the ground and she fired three more shots into him before turning to help Garrus finish off the one he had closed in on. Wrex was fine on his own. He slammed his head into the other krogan's, bellowing with all of his rage before reaching up and snapping the krogan's neck.

Chests heaving, the three of them stood looking at one another for a quiet moment. Shepard chose to ignore the worry and compassion she saw in Garrus' eyes. She turned and went back through the door. A few seconds later the geth dropship flew in overhead. Troopers, snipers, a destroyer, juggernaut, and a prime – they all poured out of the ship. Shepard fought harder and with more determination then she though she ever had before. She took more glee in decimating her enemies than she thought she had ever felt before. Jane was reduced to a buzzing in her head, her words unable to break through Shepard's rage.

Garrus and Wrex echoed her flurry of shots with their own. Ashley scrambled to get the bomb prepped. The rest of the bomb team surrounded her to protect Ashley and the bomb, but they didn't last long against the towering geth prime. When finally the last geth crashed to the watery floor, Shepard leaned against a crate and with her hands on her elbows sucking in deep breaths. She could feel Garrus' eyes on her and she lifted her head to meet his gaze. They watched each other in that moment of stillness without saying a word. Neither dropped their eyes from the other until Shepard heard Kaidan's voice break through on the comm. Shepard closed her eyes and switched to her pistol. The shotgun would be too slow for Saren. She was listening to one of her team die – her friend die, when Saren swooped down into sight.

Shepard wasted no time firing her pistol at the turian but they were completely deflected by his shields. He returned fire, flinging blasts of biotics at her and she dove back behind cover. Saren dropped down to the ground and started walking straight towards Shepard's location. He stopped halfway there; his hovering platform slowly lowered down next to him.

Shepard stepped out of cover and fired several shots rapidly at Saren as he started walking towards her again. He didn't even flinch as his shields knocked her bullets aside. He stopped on the dry strip of concrete that stood between the two exits. Shepard ducked back behind the crate letting her pistol cool down.

"I applaud you, Shepard. My geth were utterly convinced the salarians were the real threat. An impressive diversion," Saren said. "Of course, it was all for nothing. I can't let you disrupt what I have accomplished here. You can't possibly understand what's really at stake."

"Sure I do. You let Sovereign make you his bitch because you were too chicken shit to fight him instead. You're indoctrinated, Saren," Shepard yelled from behind the crate.

"Fight it, Shepard? Sovereign cannot be fought. You think that your pathetic attempt to thwart my plans means anything to Sovereign. You've barely managed to catch his notice, Spectre," Saren spat the last word out like it was the punchline to a bad joke. "Don't you understand, Shepard? The reapers are coming. They cannot be stopped, and the only way for any of us to survive this is for us to cooperate."

"You're insane, Saren. Sovereign isn't going let you survive. You're nothing more to it than a slave, a tool, to be discarded when it is no longer of use. I will die before I allow myself to become a mindless slave," Shepard said.

Shepard used hand signals to order Wrex and Garrus into place, Saren wasn't going to put up with her diatribe much longer. Shepard stood up out of cover to mask the movements of her team, keeping Saren's eyes locked on her.

"You cannot win, Shepard. Why fight? Why doom yourself and everyone around you to certain death when survival is possible and victory is not? This is why I never brought this to the Council. We organics are ruled by emotion, and not logic," Saren said. "Think of how many lives could be spared, Shepard."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You really think you can convince me to – what? – join you and let myself become a puppet like you? Face it, Saren. You are indoctrinated. You are already completely and utterly lost to Sovereign and you don't even realize it!" Shepard said.

Saren shook his head as if in regret, "I tried to reason with you, Shepard. I had hoped that you would see that this is the only way. I cannot allow you to undo everything I have worked for, to forge an alliance between organics and machine. You must die."

Shepard signaled to her team as Saren hopped back on his hovering platform. They fired at Saren until he had retreated back towards the fuel tanks. She dodged out of the way of a rocket blast, rolling through the water to come up on her knees and fired at the fuel tank. The fuel tank exploded, sending Saren flying off of his hovering platform. He recovered and fired another blast at Shepard from the ground. It knocked her and her team into the air and flat on their backs.

Then he was on her, just like in the vision. His hands wrapped around her throat and drug her through the water a few feet before he lifted her into the air. She couldn't breathe. Her mind flashed back to her dream, she was floating off into space as the Normandy fell apart around her. Her suit was ruptured and her air was escaping. She clawed at her Saren's hands, trying to pry them away from her throat.

The bomb let out a warning siren as the lights began to whir and flash, indicating that it was live. Saren turned his head at the noise and Shepard reared back her fist. He turned back to her and she let it slam down in the center of his face. He dropped her to the ground and stumbled back. Shepard scrabbled to her knees, her eyes landed on her pistol a foot away in the water. She scooped it up and pointed it at Saren. He was back on his platform and her head was swimming. She couldn't get her eyes to focus but she stood up and fired at him anyway. The shots that didn't miss weren't enough to kill him or even knock him off of his platform. All too soon, Saren was gone from her sight.

"Damn it!" Shepard yelled.

Garrus and Wrex were pulling themselves back to their feet. Shepard went to Ashley who was sitting in the water leaning against the bomb. She was clutching a hand to her abdomen. Shepard reached out a hand and pulled Ashley to her feet. She heard a cough from somewhere nearby, her eyes roamed over the area looking for signs of life. One of the men from the bomb team was still alive. He was badly wounded but still breathing. Wrex moved over to the man and picked him up. Ashley wasn't moving very fast so Shepard threw her over her shoulder in a fireman's carry. The Normandy was descending as they rushed to meet the ship.

Shepard got everyone on board and yelled at Joker over the comm, "Get us out of here, Joker!"

The Normandy took off and Shepard held on to Ashley the best she could when Joker turned the ship vertical. Still, the concussive force of the explosion was felt throughout the ship. When it settled again, Shepard let her eyes scan over Kirrahe and his men. Not many had made it to the rendezvous point, and Kaidan was not among them. Shepard noticed that they had managed to bring the turret back with them; just not Kaidan.

Shepard and Wrex got their wounded to the med bay only to find the room splashed with blood and a dead Toombs lying in the middle of the floor. Dr. Chakwas was kneeling over the man trying to perform CPR. A tourniquet had been wrapped around his arm just below the elbow in an attempt to staunch the flow of blood from the huge gash in his wrist. Dr. Tulina was covered in blood on her knees next to the other doctor, her hands fluttered about helplessly as she tried to find a way to help.

"No. Oh no. No, no, no," Shepard said helping Ashley into a chair.

Shepard rushed over to Toombs and fell to her knees next to the other two women.

"Commander, I – I – I am sorry. I do not know what happened," Dr. Tulina said looking at Shepard with horror on her face. "He seemed fine. He was calm and complacent. Then all of the chaos started down below and Dr. Chakwas left to meet you in the cargo bay in case anyone was injured. Before I could stop him, he had a scalpel in his hand. I – I – do not even know how he got it! Dr. Chakwas keeps all of the dangerous equipment locked away!"

"Oh, Toombs… why'd you have to go and do something so stupid?" Shepard groaned.

"You tried," Jane said.

Dr. Chakwas leaned back on her heels, "He's gone, Commander. I'm sorry."

Shepard pulled herself up from the floor, her arms hung limply at her side, "We have wounded that need your attention now, Dr. Chakwas. I'm sure you did all you could. Thank you. Both of you."

"Where should I put him?" Wrex asked indicating the man slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

Dr. Chakwas stood up and cleared the way to a bed for Wrex to lay the man on. Once Wrex laid the first man down, he went and picked up Toombs' corpse.

"And where do you want him?" Wrex asked.

Dr. Chakwas looked at Ashley briefly and deciding that she didn't need the bed she told Wrex to put Toombs on it instead. Shepard covered Toombs with a sheet and set to work cleaning up Toombs' blood from the floor and tables.

"Commander, you needn't bother with that. I can have someone else do it," Dr. Chakwas said.

Shepard ignored her. It wasn't her blood, but it was her mess. Dr. Chakwas sighed but went about tending to those who required her attention. When the floor was as clean as Shepard could get it, she left the med bay and went to the showers. She washed away the blood and sweat in water that was so hot it hurt. She thought she should probably be crying, but the tears just weren't there. She imagined they would be later. When she was clean, she shut off the water and dried herself off before standing in front of the mirror for a few minutes staring at her face. She wasn't sure she recognized it anymore. She wasn't sure if she knew who she even was anymore.

"You're… you…," Jane said.

Shepard got dressed and called everyone to the debriefing room. Shepard sat stoically as everyone filed in. Ashley sat down next to Shepard.

"I can't believe that you knew this would happen and you didn't tell us. If anyone should have been left behind, it should have been me. Kaidan was a superior officer, he would have been more valuable to this mission and you know it, Commander," Ashley said.

Shepard turned her head and looked at Ashley, she blinked her eyes a couple of times but otherwise didn't move or speak. Ashley must have seen something in Shepard's eyes because she dropped the subject and turned to face the rest of the room.

"Commander, I believe that the beacon you encountered in Saren's base might have given you the missing parts of the vision. Perhaps if I –," Liara began.

"There isn't any need. I know where we need to go," Shepard said.

"You do?" asked Tali.

"We need to go to Ilos," Shepard said.

"Ilos! Yes, of course. I see, that makes sense, this is why Saren needed to find the Mu Relay. Ilos is one of hundreds of locations that can only be accessed through the Mu Relay," Liara said.

"We need to go to the Citadel first. To restock and refuel. I want to see the Council in person before we go to Ilos," Shepard said, her voice sounded hallow and dead to her own ears. "We're done here. Dismissed."

Everyone stood to leave the room and Joker came over the comm to ask her if she wanted him to link into the comm buoy nearby to call the council.

"There's no point, Joker. They don't want to hear what I have to say. I'll see them when we get to the Citadel. Go ahead and set the coordinates, please, Joker," Shepard said.

"Aye, aye, Commander," Joker said.

Shepard looked up to see that Garrus had lagged behind. The room was empty now besides the two of them. She met his gaze and Garrus seemed to flinch; it stung her deeply but she understood why. He was having trouble accepting that vacant look in her eyes just as much as she was.

"You did your best, Commander," Garrus said hesitantly. "More than what anyone else would have done."

Shepard didn't respond other than to close the distance between them and throw her arms around the turian's shoulders, pressing the side of her face against the hard plating of his armored chest. Garrus didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her waist, splaying his hands out against her back and pulling her in closer to him.

"I'm sorry," Shepard whispered and started to pull away.

Garrus tightened his arms, "No. You don't get to apologize for this. Not to me. Anything, Shepard. Anything."

Shepard nodded her head and allowed him to hold her for a minute. Being in his arms helped her to feel alive again; alive enough for a few tears to leak out of the corner of her eyes. Shepard started to pull away again and this time Garrus let her. She wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Why are you so good to me, Garrus?" she asked.

"Because you lie too well for me to trust you otherwise," Garrus said with a chuckle.

Shepard snorted indelicately and put a hand on his chest, pushing him back a step, "Alright, Vakarian. See if I put any new weapons in your locker anytime soon."

Garrus laughed, his mandibles flaring wide. Shepard's head fell to the side and her heart fluttered around in her ribcage. They left the debriefing room, Garrus headed to the cargo bay and Shepard to clean and maintain the pile of weapons and armor she had dumped on her cabin floor before going to take a shower. Cleaning the blood and gore from her armor only helped to stir the rage inside of Shepard once more.

After an hour of pacing around her cabin like a caged animal, she made her way down to the cargo bay. She wanted to check on the weapons lockers, hoping that it would take her mind away from the pain of having to leave one of her crew to die. The pain of returning to find Toombs had taken his own life in her absence.

Shepard stopped in front of Kirrahe, only now recalling that he and his men were aboard.

"Captain, I'm sorry. I had some things that required my attention," Shepard said.

"Understandable. I want to tell you that it was an honor working with Lieutenant Alenko, Commander. I understand that he returned to us against your orders. I attempted to persuade him to return to your ship, but he insisted that staying with me was the right thing to do," Kirrahe said, the translucent membranes in his eyes sliding over the red and black orbs periodically. "I do not regret that I was not more insistent, Commander. I fear that we would not have made it nearly as far, been able to provide nearly as great of a distraction without your Lieutenant's help. In short, his insubordination might have saved the mission."

"I should have expected if, if I'm honest. Kaidan was far too noble of a person to let something as small as a commanding officer's orders stand in the way of his integrity," Shepard said.

"I regret that I did not have the chance to know him better. Still, his actions today will not be forgotten. He has earned humanity a great deal of respect from the salarians. We will leave your ship as soon as you reach your next destination," Kirrahe said.

"We are headed to the Citadel now. It's a ways away, so if you would rather, we can drop you off somewhere else. Of course you are welcome to stay aboard until we reach the Citadel," Shepard said.

"I would not have you go out of your way, Commander. The Citadel will work out nicely seeing as we are now without a ship of our own. I will need to report to the Council as well. Have you spoken with them yet, might I ask?"

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose, "No, just sent in the report. The Council has a tendency to not want to hear what I have to say. I need some time to deal with our losses and get my crew in order before I deal with the Council. I plan on speaking with them in person on the Citadel."

"Ah. Yes, I forget that you are still new as a Spectre. Do not take the Council's ways personally, Commander Shepard, though personal they may feel. The Council has a strong tendency to be dismissive of everyone, even their Spectres," Kirrahe said.

Shepard laughed, "That so? Thanks, Kirrahe. I'll try to keep that in mind."

The salarian smiled, "I am sure that you need some time to process all that has happened here today, Commander Shepard. I am still very interested in hearing what you have to say about this reaper threat you mentioned. Perhaps you will have some time to speak about it once you've rested?"

"Absolutely, Captain. First thing tomorrow if you'd like," Shepard said.

"Excellent, I look forward to it," Kirrahe said.

Shepard smiled at him and excused herself. It was so hard to make polite conversation when she felt like screaming and crying all at the same time. She lost herself in the task of opening lockers and inventorying what was in each one, upgrading what she could from what they had collected on Virmire. She checked that every gun was clean and in working order; that the integrity of every piece of armor was still intact. She could feel their eyes on her. All of them. The salarians, Garrus, Wrex, and Ashley. She knew they were all watching her stiff motions and her hardened face.

"Commander?" Ashley stood at her station watching Shepard.

"What is it, Williams?" Shepard asked not looking at the other woman.

"Commander, about Alenko…" Ashley began.

Shepard let out a deep breath and leaned her head against the locker in front of her. She closed her eyes and tried to count down from ten. She could feel the sting in her eyes, threatening tears that still didn't come. Shepard turned to look at Ashley; she had her chin tilted up in defiance as she watched Shepard. Shepard glanced around the cargo bay and was surprised to notice that the salarians were suddenly missing. The tension that was brewing in the air must have discouraged their continued presence in the cargo bay. Or perhaps it was the brooding krogan that was standing just a few feet away from them.

"Ashley… Listen, I know that you think that I made the wrong call. You've made that clear. It was my call to make, though. What do you want me to say? I can't change it now," Shepard said.

Ashley closed the distance between her and Shepard and stood at parade rest with her legs shoulder length apart and her hands behind her back.

"With all due respect, ma'am, I was prepared to die. I was willing to set that bomb and stay with it, defend it with my life. You could have endangered yourself and the mission by staying that close to the bomb. I heard how Saren talked to you. He wasn't there to stop the bomb; he was there to stop you. If you weren't there, at the bombsite, he would have gone wherever you were. Tell me I'm wrong?" Ashley said.

Shepard slammed the locker closed, fury boiling in the pit of her stomach once more.

"Damnit Williams, what do you want from me? Do you want me to say that I wish I could change things? So that Kaidan was still alive and that you were dead in his place? Well tough shit, Williams," Shepard yelled at the gunnery chief. "Kaidan's still dead and you're still alive. I chose to save you because you were endangered while fulfilling orders that I gave you. Kaidan made his own choices, he endangered himself. He took very specific actions, made very specific calls on his own authority to ensure that the mission was a success. He chose to die in service, and his death will be honored!"

She spun on heel to storm away but Ashley grabbed a hold of her wrist. Shepard wheeled around and planted her fist squarely in Ashley's face. Ashley stumbled back in shock as blood began to pour out of her nose. She reached her hands up, cupping them around her nose as tears filled her eyes. Shepard couldn't tell if the woman was crying from the pain – physical or emotional – or if it was simply a physiological response to having her nose broken. Whoa! Shit. That was definitely a first.

"Fuck you, Williams! And fuck Alenko, too! Damn him for putting me in that position, for making me have to choose and gods… fuck you for making me have to doubt my choice now! How fucking dare you?! Go. Get out of my sight, now, Williams. Report to the med bay. Have your nose taken care of. That's an order!" Shepard's yells echoed back to her from the walls of the cavernous cargo bay.

Ashley snapped a shaky, blood soaked hand up to her forehead in salute before walking to the elevator. Shepard watched her go, her hands shaking and the tears she had been denied earlier started to well up in her eyes. Wrex chuckled as Ashley passed him and even though Shepard could see Ashley's shoulders tense she didn't look Wrex's way.

Shepard started pacing the area that stretched from lockers to the end of Ashley's work station. She was trying to calm herself but it was only getting worse.

"Fuck!" Shepard roared.

She first punched a locker and then when that failed to satiate she flung her arm across Ashley's desk sending everything that was on it flying across the room. She would have knocked the table over if it hadn't been bolted to the floor. She banged her hands down on the metal surface over and over and over again until she started to feel the need to rip something apart subsiding. I don't… I don't think this is good. She ran both hands over her face and continued the motion raking them through her hair. Hot tears started falling from her eyes and she dropped her hands down to her sides in defeat. Shepard tilted her head back looking up at the ceiling before making her way to the far side of the room. She leaned against a wall and let herself slide down to the floor. She sat with her arms draped across her bent knees, resting her head on her arms.

The sound of soft footsteps alerted her that someone was approaching but she didn't bother to look up. She saw a pair of turian feet move past the gap between her knees. Shepard continued to cry silent tears into her arms until she felt Garrus sit down on the metal floor next to her. He didn't speak and neither did she. After a moment, she felt him scoot a little closer to her and drape one of his long arms across her shoulders. She let herself lean into him, pressing herself against his chest and soaking up his warmth.

A few minutes later she heard the quiet whispering of Tali and Wrex's voices floating down to her. She couldn't make out what they were saying but she knew that Wrex must be relaying the events of her breakdown to Tali. A while later she heard the elevator open but still she did not look up. She heard Liara's voice, furtive as she spoke to Wrex before leaving again. Long minutes passed as Shepard let the tears fall freely, feeling the soft hum Garrus was making deep in his chest resonate through her body to calm her wounded soul. He never spoke; never tried to get her to speak and for that she was the most grateful. He is always there for us. Always by our side; as friend or lover. There's no Shepard without Vakarian.

A half hour passed in relative silence. Shepard's tears had dried; all that remained was the occasional sniffle. The elevator opened again and Garrus' arm tightened around Shepard. His soft hum shifted into a low growl that rumbled through him. Shepard looked up to see that Ashley had returned. She was headed for her station when Wrex stepped in front of her and held out a hand.

"Get the fuck out of my way, Wrex!" Ashley yelled at him.

"I wouldn't do that, if I were you. She's just now starting to smell like herself again. Not all snarly and full of bloodlust," Wrex said calmly.

Ashley looked across the room, her eyes first seeing the mess that Shepard had made of her workstation before finally seeing Shepard in the shadows next to Garrus. Ashley's eyes locked on to Shepard's for a few seconds before dropped them to the ground. Slowly she nodded, turned around and got back into the elevator.

Garrus shifted beside Shepard drawing her attention to him. He watched her intently for a moment before rubbing her shoulder and standing up. He reached a hand out to her and pulled her to her feet when she accepted. He was stronger than she had imagined. She stumbled forward with the momentum nearly crashing into his chest but her reflexes compensated and she caught herself a mere two inches from his body. An image flashed through her head of her hands running up his chest and wrapping themselves around the back of his neck before she pressed her lips to his mouth. A different kind of heat flooded Shepard's mind. She heard Garrus take in a deep breath, filling his nostrils with her scent. She cleared her throat and took a step back. He turned her hand, still in his, so that he could see the bloody scrapes on her knuckles. She gently pulled her hand from his.

"It's fine. I've had far worse," her voice sounded hoarse and strained when she spoke.

"I've noticed," Garrus said his voice low and rumbly. "So, when we dock next how about I buy you a beer and in exchange you can tell me how good it felt to break her nose?"

Shepard coughed out a weak laugh, "Yeah. Sure. Sounds like a plan."

Shepard moved away from Garrus and started picking up Ashley's things, placing them carefully back on the table after assessing every object for damage. It didn't look like much of anything was broken, but she would replace whatever Ashley wanted. Shepard looked up to see Tali crossing the room. She must have been waiting for the all clear to approach. Tali stood wringing her hands for a moment before speaking softly.

"Are you alright, Shepard?" she asked.

Shepard placed a gun mod on the table and looked up at Tali, "Yeah, Tali. I'm alright. Sorry if I worried you."

"Oh, that's alright. I'm just glad that you're OK," Tali said as she started to help clean up Shepard's mess.

"Tali, it's my mess, you don't have to do that," Shepard said.

"I know," Tali said looking up at Shepard, but she continued to pick things up anyway.

Shepard smiled at her friend and when everything was back on the table, she gave the quarian a quick hug which seemed to startle her at first but she soon returned with gusto. Shepard looked over at Garrus who was now leaning against the Mako watching the two of them. He nodded to her once and she returned the gesture. Tali left Shepard to return to the Engineering and Shepard made her way towards the elevator. She paused to look at Wrex she wanted to say thank you to him and to the others for supporting her, for not judging her. She couldn't find the words though.

Wrex seemed to understand what she left unspoken and dipped his head, "Shepard."

A light smile tugged at her lips, she nodded in return, "Wrex."

She got on the elevator and headed to the med bay. She knew that Dr. Chakwas would come and find her soon if she didn't go to her first. The door slid open and she saw Ashley leaning against the wall holding an icepack to her face. She looked over at Shepard when she walked in but didn't say anything. Shepard walked over to the other woman, taking it slow so she didn't appear aggressive and leaned against the wall next to her. They both stood there quietly for a moment while Dr. Chakwas tried to look busy at her desk.

"I'm sorry, Ashley," Shepard finally said quietly.

"Aww… say… no reason… deserved…," Jane spoke up.

"Don't be, I deserved it," Ashley said pulling the ice pack away from her face to look at Shepard. "And, I'm sorry. For questioning you. For making you doubt… for doubting you. I – I should be thanking you, for saving my life, I mean, ma'am."

"See?" Jane said.

"But not for breaking your nose?" Shepard grinned.

Ashley laughed and then groaned, "No ma'am. I probably could have gone without that. Dr. Chakwas set it though and gave me some painkillers as well as something to take the swelling down. I told her to save the Medi-gel for when we're on the field. Maybe a few days of having a sore face will teach me to keep my mouth shut."

"Unlikely," said Jane.

Shepard made a soft snorting sound, "I uh, I cleaned up your station. Sorry about that, too. If anything needs replaced just let me know."

"Will do, ma'am," Ashley said.

Dr. Chakwas stood from her desk and turned to Shepard, "Well then, let's see to the mess you made of your hands, shall we?"

Shepard let Chakwas look over her hands as Ashley left the med bay. The doctor informed her that nothing was broken, but she already knew that. She watched passively as Dr. Chakwas applied an antiseptic to the scrapes and wiped the blood away. She gave her an anti-inflammatory to take and wrapped the hand in gauze first and then an elastic bandage before telling her to leave it on overnight at the least. Shepard mumbled her assent before leaving the med bay and heading for her cabin, her eyes went to Kaidan's station by habit expecting to see him there working. She felt something inside of her chest clench. She let out a shaky sigh as she entered her cabin and fell onto her bed, not even bothering to undress.

She woke up two hours later. She tossed and turned in her bed for ten minutes before sitting up to pull her boots and clothes off. She tossed them at the corner of the room, the boots thudded against the wall, and she lay back down. She spent another twenty minutes searching out sleep only to find that it was utterly elusive. Shepard got up and rummaged through her footlocker by the low light coming from her laptop. She found what she was looking for and pulled the black N7 tank top on over her head. She closed the locker and sat on it while she slid her legs into the red and black plaid pajama bottoms.

"Talk?" Jane asked.

"Not right now, Jane. I don't want to talk. I don't want to think," Shepard said.

"Alright," Jane said.

She sat back down on the locker and ran her hands through her hair. With a sigh she stood up again and went to leave her cabin. When the door slid open she found herself face to face with a very startled looking Garrus. She felt her heart skip a beat.

"Commander! I – I uh, hmmm. I thought I heard something and I just wanted to make sure everything was alright," Garrus said.

Shepard bit her lip and searched Garrus' face before whispering, "Is that really why you're here?"

"Hmmm. Well, I… I did hear something… but…," Garrus' worlds strangled off in his throat.

Shepard dropped her eyes to the floor between them, the threshold into her personal space, "Stay with me Garrus? Just until I fall back to sleep. I don't want to be alone, not tonight."

She watched as he put first one foot and then the other forward, crossing that line and into the field of impropriety behavior for a subordinate. The door slid closed behind him, leaving them with nothing but the soft glow of her laptop and his visor. Shepard's heart thudded in her chest as she reached out and took his hand. It slid effortlessly into hers and closed around her bandaged fingers. She led Garrus back to her bed; standing in front of him still holding his hand as he sat down.

"Will you –," She gently cleared her throat and licked her lips, "will you take this off?"

She touched her fingertips to his chest plate. He let go of her other hand and began to work at the clasps of his armor. He hadn't said a single word since before he crossed her threshold. It was dark and she couldn't see him well. She didn't have the luxury of being able to smell his emotions, or see his heart rate. She began to have doubts. Maybe she had read everything wrong; maybe she was taking advantage of him – even if she didn't plan to cross the line too far, she was indeed crossing the line.

"Wait!" Shepard said, "Garrus you know that you don't… you don't have to be here. You don't have to stay, I mean. I can't… you shouldn't… if I'm making you uncomfortable or…"

Gods it felt like she was trying to rip her own heart out of her chest. Garrus' pulled the armor away from his body, sliding the back around to the front and laying it gently on the floor. A part of her mind was impressed at how quickly he was able to remove his armor, undoubtedly one of the many ways that the turians trumped the humans when it came to tactical designs. The dark undershirt he wore hugged his body like a second skin.

Garrus looked up at Shepard and took her hand. Gently he pulled her towards him wrapping an arm around her hips he guided her to sit sideways on his lap. Shepard's breath caught in her throat. Garrus wrapped both arms around her and held her body against his. She rested her head on his shoulder, her hands against his chest trapped between them. When her heart started to slow, she felt Garrus turn his head so that his mouth was closer to her ear.

Garrus whispered, "Lay down, Shepard. Get some sleep."

He twisted his torso, leaning back and moving his legs up; the motion pulling her body back to the bed to lie pressed against his. Shepard pulled away long enough to hand him her pillows and pull the blanket up over herself. Garrus adjusted the pillows to better support his body, leaving him in a slightly reclined position. Shepard snuggled back into the crook of his arm, resting a hand on his chest she let out a contented sigh.

Within minutes, Shepard was fast asleep but Garrus didn't move. He stayed there until the early hours of the morning. Making himself stay awake so he could feel his arms around Shepard. So he could hear the soft sounds of her breathing, and feel her hand on his chest. He stayed like that, completely still aside from the shallow rise and fall of his chest until he knew that the crew would be waking up soon. He didn't want Shepard to have to deal with any sideways glances, or awkward questions if anyone saw him leave her room. He knew that the cameras would have already recorded him entering, just as they would record him leaving but unless something happened in the middle of the night to cause an alarm, he doubted anyone would ever see the proof.

Garrus carefully untangled himself from Shepard, pausing when she stirred in her sleep. When she was still again, he slid off the bed and quietly watched her as he slid his armor back into place. He moved silently across the room and out of her cabin door with one final look back. No one else was awake yet, just the skeleton crew that ran things while everyone else slept and no one seemed to be moving on that deck. Garrus quickly slipped back into his sleeping pod and let himself steal a couple of hours of sleep, surrounded by the scent of Shepard if not with her in his arms.