The Lives and Deaths of Commander Shepard

by MosaicCreme

The essence that is Commander Shepard has fought the battle against the Reapers more times than she can count, only to find herself right back where it all started. Never the exact same body, never the same first name or history. The disembodied voice struggles to break her way through to the consciousness of her current incarnation, trying to find a way to break her own cycle.

26. Chapter 3: Lots Of Alcohol

Chapter 3: Lots of Alcohol

"Looks like Cerberus will let any goddamn thing on this ship," Zaeed said when Shepard boarded with Grundan Krul.

Shepard shot him a warning glance and the man resorted to abusive stares and quiet grumbles. Grundan Krul watched Zaeed closely after that, keeping him in sight as Shepard herded them towards the communications room.

"What training do you have, Grundan?" Jacob asked.

"Batarians not approve of shortening names. Offensive. Full name provided. Full name should be used," Mordin shrugged, "If want to avoid conflict."

Shepard missed the more expansive debriefing room of the old Normandy. It gave her room to pace and there were seats for her crew. Grundan Krul stood next to Garrus who leaned against the wall next to the door with his arms crossed – as far away from Shepard as he could get. Jacob stood next to Miranda on the opposite side of the table. Mordin stood just in front of the door facing Shepard, who had taken up station at the far end of the table. Zaeed mimicked Garrus' wall-leaning stance behind and to the side of Shepard. His good eye locked on Grundan Krul.

"Grundan Krul, sorry," Jacob held a hand palm up. "Didn't mean any offense."

"I'm familiar enough with the ways of humans to not take offense. The first time," Grundan Krul said. "Since leaving Khar'shan I've spent most of my time free-lancing. Spent some time with the Blue Suns. Left the Blue Suns over management disputes. Then I met Archangel. Been with him for a few months now."

"We've never taken a batarian aboard before. This isn't good, this won't end well," Jane said.

Zaeed hissed when Grundan Krul mentioned working with the Blue Suns. Shepard seriously hoped that this wasn't going to be a big problem. She hadn't discussed the Blue Suns and Vido Santiago with Zaeed yet, but Jane's memories told her the sordid details of Zaeed's past. Jacob glanced at Zaeed but Shepard chose to ignore his grumbling until she had a chance to speak with him alone.

"EDI?" Shepard said.

EDI's blue hologram popped up in front of Mordin, "Yes, Shepard?"

"Please pull up what we have on the collectors so far," Shepard said.

"At once," EDI replied.

A holographic screen unfurled itself in the air above the table before the footage from Freedom's Progress began to play across its surface. Behind that, a model of a collector's ship rotated in the air. Still form pictures of a close up of a collector and the paralyzing swarms displayed themselves at designated stations around the ring of the table. Garrus, Grundan Krul, and Zaeed all moved closer to a station to look closely at their new enemies.

"The collectors act by first sending out swarms of insect like creatures. We are not yet certain if they are organic or synthetic," Shepard said trying to keep straight in her mind what she experienced versus what Jane experienced.

"My data analysis of the video feeds indicates synthetic structures and behaviors of the swarms," EDI said.

"Thank you, EDI," Shepard said.

"Of course, Shepard," EDI said.

"Is that a bloody AI?" Zaeed asked.

"Yes, the Enhanced Defense Intelligence, or EDI as we call it is an AI. It is shackled, and its accessibility to the ship is monitored. You needn't be concerned," Miranda said.

"She," Shepard said absently.

"Pardon me?" Miranda asked.

"You said 'it'. EDI is feminine and self-aware; your petty insults do not go unnoticed even if she does not remark on them. EDI is a 'she' and not an 'it'. She has a personality, a life of her own even if it differs from your understanding of life," Shepard said keeping her eyes on the holographic displays on the table in front of her.

"Yes, she. EDI is our friend. She saves us so many times but sometimes we kill her. We kill her and all the geth so we can kill the reapers, too," Jane said.

Garrus chuffed and Shepard's heart raced. She clenched her jaw, angry that he still had such an effect on her even after his cold reception. Shepard could feel his eyes on her now. She refused to look at him; she refused to acknowledge her own stupid physiological response to his presence and refused to see the lack of wanting in his eyes.

After a moment when Miranda did not respond, Shepard raised her head to look at the woman. She stood with her arms crossed, and a hip cocked. She had that snotty look about her that Miranda's face seemed perfectly designed for. Shepard humorously wondered if that was a part of her genetic engineering; if that was a trait her father sought out when he had her created from his own DNA. Shepard dismissed the woman's attitude by turning her attention back to the video recording playing in the center of the table.

"As you can see, the seeker swarms sting their victims causing a paralysis reaction. Preventing them from any form of self-defense and leaving them hapless targets for the collectors to… well, collect. The collectors then place the victims, still alive, into stasis chambers and transport them to their ships," Shepard said.

"They're melting them down, turning them into liquid. Pumping them inside of it. Feeding the baby reaper its first meal so it can grow big and strong and kill us all," Jane said.

She paused, "EDI, a map of the locations hit by the collectors so far, please."

"Yes, Shepard," EDI's voice sounded a bit softer.

When the map was displayed, Shepard continued, "As you can see, all of the colonies hit so far have been human colonies. The collectors have stayed primarily to those small, remote colonies in the Terminus Systems. Freedom's Progress," Shepard said reaching out and sliding her hand along the map to zoom in on Freedom's Progress, "Is the most recent of these attacks."

"Unfortunately, the video footage you just saw was the only evidence we were able to obtain," Shepard said.

"What makes you sure they will go after other species, then?" Grundan Krul asked.

"Collectors already shown interest in other species. Have traded for specimens from different species for many years. Plague on Omega likely created by collectors. Targets other species, not humans," Mordin said.

"Thank you, Mordin," Shepard said.

"Happy to help," he replied.

"So why are they abducting only human colonists now?" Grundan Krul asked.

"Because Shepard pissed off the reapers," Garrus said.

Shepard glanced at him and then back to Grundan Krul, "That very well may be the case. The working theory is that the collectors are working for the reapers, much the way that Saren and the geth did. When I thwarted Sovereign's plans to assume control of the Citadel and allow the other reapers to pass through from dark space, I made myself and by extension all of humanity prime targets. It was a collector ship that destroyed the old Normandy."

"Assuming control. That's what Harbinger always says. He creeps inside the empty heads of the prothean shells and takes over their bodies," Jane said.

Grundan Krul turned his head to look at Garrus and Garrus nodded in response.

"So what's our plan of attack?" Zaeed asked.

"We are hoping that Mordin can devise something to combat the seeker swarms. That will allow us to respond to attacks while they are happening, and ideally make it possible for us to board a collector ship," Shepard said. "We need to know why the attacks are happening, what they are doing with the people they take, and every last scrap of information that we can gather on them in order to know how best to defeat them."

"Will need more information on the swarms. Preferable to have active specimen to run tests," Mordin said.

Shepard winced inwardly, without the information that Veetor gathered in other lives they were starting this war out at a disadvantage. A name and a face floated to the forefront of her mind: James Vega. Shepard tried to search the memory of Vega to understand his importance in that moment but Jane yelled in her head.

"No, no. You've changed too much! You can't go see him, leave him alone. You'll kill him, too. It's too early, we can't meet him yet," Jane said.

"Jane, who is he? If he can help us, we need to go see him," Shepard thought.

"No. We can't let you. We want the changes to stop, we don't like them. We were wrong, we want things to go back the way they're supposed to be," Jane pleaded.

"Damn it, Jane, who is he?" Shepard asked.

Jane stopped talking. Shepard tried to push for the memory but Jane was fighting her too hard. Shepard's brow furrowed as she fought against Jane to no avail.

"Commander?" Jacob said.

Shepard looked up to see that Jacob and the others were all watching her.

"I'm sorry, just, uh, running some things through my head," Shepard said. "EDI, run a pattern analysis on the targets hit so far. See if you can find any connection, something that might give us an idea of where they'll hit next. And get me a list of human colonies in the Terminus Systems."

"Right away, Shepard," EDI said.

"For now we need to head to the Citadel. I've been summoned by Councilor Anderson and the longer I wait to report the more problematic things will become. If I'm lucky, the Council will still consider me a Spectre. That will open a lot of doors for us. For now, everyone find a place to settle in. Mordin, I'll show you to the lab," Shepard said. "Zaeed, I'll come see you once I've got Mordin set up."

Garrus was the first one out the door. Shepard wasn't surprised, even if it did hurt. She'd have to talk to him eventually, but for now, she'd give him his space. She took Mordin to the labs just outside the comm room. She watched as the salarian scientist scoped out the new lab, checking on equipment and inventorying what was available to him.

"If there is anything missing, anything that you need just let EDI know. If you have any ideas for ways to upgrade the ship, or anything else at all that will help us on this mission let me know and we'll make sure you get what you need," Shepard said.

"Yes. Excellent. Will get to work right away. Will send what I have. Thank you, Shepard," Mordin said.

"Alright, I'll leave you to get started," Shepard said.

She made her way to the CIC and to the galaxy map to set coordinates for the Citadel.

"You have messages waiting for you, Commander," Kelly said.

"Great, thanks, Kelly," Shepard responded still working at the map.

"It looks like you're already pulling together quite the team," Kelly said.

Shepard looked up from the map, "Yeah, we're off to a good start. Grundan Krul was an unexpected addition, hopefully he works out well."

"I must admit that I'm very curious about Grundan Krul. My knowledge on batarians is limited, and I don't have any background information on him to work with. This will be challenging, but I like challenges!" Kelly said.

Shepard chuckled, "Just uh, try not to be too pushy if he doesn't want to talk. And apparently, make sure you use his full name."

"I will be sure to remember that, thanks Shepard," Kelly said.

"Sure, Kelly. Anytime," Shepard said heading towards the elevator.

She took the elevator up to her cabin and sat down at her desk, opening the laptop. The first message at the top of the list was from Wrex. Shepard couldn't help the smile at seeing his name.

Shepard: About time you're back up and fighting. Good to hear from you. I'm on Tuchanka, come see me if you get the chance. I'll let everyone know not to give you any shit.

Shepard smiled and clicked the reply button.

Wrex: Well, I couldn't let you have all the fun without me. I've got a lot going on, but I will definitely be coming to see you as soon as I can.

She sent the reply and then moved on to the next message from Kirrahe.

Shepard: Contact me again when you are on the Citadel.

Shepard didn't reply to that one, she knew Kirrahe was probably busy and possibly in the middle of getting shot at. She'd let him know when she reached the Citadel as he asked. The next message was from Tali.

Shepard: I can't be at the Citadel now. There are some things happening with the Migrant Fleet. I will contact you again when I can meet with you. And Shepard, I'm so happy to know that you are alive.

"Thank the gods, you didn't kill her, too," Jane said.

"That's not fair, Jane. She wasn't even on the Normandy when it went down," Shepard thought.

"Doesn't matter, you're changing so much. Garrus survived the wreck but died inside anyway," Jane said.

"Alright, you know what, can it Jane. I can't deal with your negative bullshit right now," Shepard thought.

Shepard bit her lip, rereading Tali's words. Was the fleet already moving towards a war with the geth? Was it something else – was Tali in trouble?

Tali: I understand. If you're in trouble though… if there is anything I can do, just let me know. Hope to see you soon.

Shepard was about to close the laptop when a new message notification popped up on her screen. She went back to her inbox and saw Garrus' name. She clicked on the message and saw that he had replied to the one she sent him, but wasn't acknowledging her message otherwise.

Shepard: I have things I need to do on the Citadel. Will this be a problem?

Shepard sat back in her chair and stared at the brief words filled with formality and not a drop of familiarity. A part of her wanted to tell him no just for spite, but she couldn't bring herself to be that childish.

Garrus: No problem.

"EDI, where has Zaeed Massani taken up residence?" Shepard asked.

"Mr. Massani is in the Starboard Cargo located on Deck Four," EDI said.

"Thanks, EDI. Hey, EDI… I hope it was alright that I spoke up for you earlier with Miranda. I guess I could have made a point to ask you how you felt about the subject," Shepard said moving to the blue hologram.

EDI was quiet for a moment before responding, "It was unexpected. I have no preferences on the matter at this time, but I understand and appreciate the attempt at inclusion. Flight Lieutenant Moreau would like to see you, when you have time."

"Thanks EDI, please tell Joker that I've got to speak with Zaeed and then I'll stop by," Shepard said.

"At once. Logging you out, Shepard," EDI said.

Shepard left her cabin and summoned the elevator. The elevator stopped at Deck 3 and the door slid open. Garrus looked up from his omni-tool just outside the elevator and his mandibles clicked. Shepard crossed her arms and moved over to the corner. Garrus walked in and went to the opposite side. The doors slid closed once again and the elevator continued downwards to the lowest deck.

The elevator on the new Normandy was so much smaller than it was on the old Normandy. Even with them in opposite corners, Shepard could reach out and touch him. Gods she wanted to reach out and touch him. She dug her fingers into the soft fabric of her shirt and closed her eyes. Tears were starting to well up and she fought them off. The elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open. Garrus stepped out and glanced around before heading into Engineering. Shepard made her way to the Starboard Cargo and stepped inside.

Zaeed was standing at the back of the room leaning against the wall. When she came in he looked at her and grunted. She crossed the room to lean a hip against a table.

"Tell me about your arrangement with the Illusive Man," Shepard said.

"I've tracked down an old 'friend' of mine," Zaeed made air quotes when he said 'friend'. "I owe him a bullet between the eyes. You're going to help me make sure he gets it."

"Tell me about this 'friend' of yours," Shepard said mimicking the gesture.

Zaeed grunted, "Name's Vido Santiago. We started the Blue Suns together. We had some disagreements about the way things should be run. Vido thought he could get rid of me, solve his problems. Son-of-a-bitch shot me in the face and left me for dead."

"Where is he now?" Shepard asked.

"He's hold up with a bunch of Blue Suns at an Eldfell-Ashland refinery on Zorya. I'll forward the coordinates to you. You know that goddamn batarian is going to be a problem, don't you?" Zaeed said.

"I know that you had better not find ways to make him a problem," Shepard said.

"Don't worry, sweetheart, as long as he doesn't get in my way and Cerberus pays me what is due, I can play nice. Even with a goddamn batarian," Zaeed said.

Shepard pushed herself away from the table, "Seriously. Don't call me sweetheart."

"You'll have to forgive an old man a few bad habits, but I'll work on it, Shepard," Zaeed said with a smirk.

"Thanks. We'll get to the refinery as soon as we can. I'm sorry I can't make it a top priority. It will get taken care of, though," Shepard said.

"People will be burning, on fire like we were on fire when we died," Jane said.

"The sooner, the better, Shepard. Can't say I'll be at my best until I know that worthless son-of-a-bitch is dead," Zaeed said.

"I'll keep that in mind, Zaeed," Shepard said turning to leave.

"One more thing. Maybe it ain't none of my damn business, but the tension between you and that Archangel fellow – you might want to deal with that sooner than later, too," Zaeed said.

Shepard looked down at her boots and nodded her head, "Yeah. I'll get to that. He needs a little time to readjust. I hurt him pretty bad."

"He's a turian, and you're a commanding officer. Just yell at him and tell him to get his ass in line," Zaeed said.

Shepard laughed, "Yeah… I don't think that would work so well with this particular turian."

Zaeed shrugged, "Worth a shot, yeah?"

Shepard nodded, "Yeah, maybe. Thanks. I'll talk to you later, Zaeed."

Shepard walked out the door of the Starboard Cargo in time to see Garrus turn his head away from her and step back on to the elevator. Shepard groaned and walked over herself. Garrus was pushing the button to get the elevator to close its doors.

"Commander Shepard is attempting to board the elevator, Mr. Vakarian. The doors will close when all parties are inside," EDI's voice came through the elevator.

"Hmmm. Ah, thanks… EDI. I didn't see her coming," Garrus said.

"Biometric scans indicate that is inaccurate, Mr. Vakarian," EDI said.

Shepard stopped in front of the elevator, "Mr. Vakarian was making a bad attempt at what organics consider to be a polite social lie. He wishes to avoid my presence when possible, but hoped to be inconspicuous with his attempts. It's alright, EDI. Take him wherever he needs to go and send the elevator back down to me."

Garrus lifted his head to meet her gaze, and she caught the first signs of pain behind the anger. She swallowed and closed her eyes.

"As you wish, Shepard," EDI said and the elevator slid closed.

Shepard leaned her forehead against the closed doors and let out a sigh.

EDI's voice spoke a minute later, "The elevator has arrived, Shepard. In order to prevent personal injury, please step away from the door before it opens."

Shepard stepped back, "Thanks, EDI."

"I have completed my pattern analysis and a full list of the planets attacked by the collectors to date has been sent to your console. I have narrowed down four likely locations for the next collector attack and have highlighted those locations on a separate list of human colonies in the Terminus Systems. Is there anything else I can do for you, Shepard?" EDI asked once Shepard was on the elevator.

"That's it for now," Shepard said.

"Logging you out, Shepard," came EDI's standard reply.

Shepard took the elevator up to the CIC and headed towards the cockpit. She slipped into the seat next to Joker and offered him a quick smile when he glanced her way.

"Hey, Commander. So, it's good to see Garrus again, right?" Joker asked.

"I'm not sure he would agree with that sentiment right now, but yeah, it's good to see him," Shepard said.

Joker winced, "Yeah he stopped by to say hello. He seemed, uh, different."

"I fucked up, Joker. I don't think he's going to forgive me," Shepard said.

"Have you tried talking to him yet – about you know?" Joker asked.

"No, not yet. He's trying to avoid me so I haven't had a chance to even try," Shepard said.

"Well, he can't avoid you forever," Joker said.

Shepard chuckled, "Suppose not."

"And we've got a batarian onboard now, that's just great," Joker said his sarcasm not lost on Shepard.

"Hey, if he's willing to fight against the collectors, who am I to stand in his way?" Shepard asked.

"Fair enough. Let's just hope that he doesn't decide that a Cerberus ship full of humans would make a good homecoming present," Joker said.

"Joker… you know I wouldn't let that ever happen," Shepard said.

"Yeah," Joker said after a thoughtful moment.

He didn't sound completely sure. Shepard realized that she had wounded his trust too, he was just better at dealing with it than Garrus was. She closed her eyes and could still see his face screaming at her as the escape pod door closed on him. She only hoped that she could find a way to fix things, end this cycle and stop the reapers so that it wasn't all for nothing.

Shepard stood and rested a hand on Joker's shoulder, "I'm sorry, Joker. About it all."

"Yeah. Hey Commander, why don't you go get some sleep?" Joker said.

"Can't yet, need to look over the reports EDI sent me. I will soon, though," Shepard said leaving the cockpit.

In her cabin, Shepard looked over the lists comparing what colonies where attacked to what colonies EDI decided were likely next targets. She was having trouble seeing the pattern herself, but she trusted EDI. Her eyes kept being drawn back to the name Fehl Prime. She pushed into Jane's memories, trying to find the connection but Jane shoved back blocking her out.

"Damn it, Jane. I need to know everything; will you stop this shit already?" Shepard thought.

Jane didn't respond. Shepard gave up and went to bed.

The next morning they were docking with the Citadel. Shepard gave the green light for anyone who wanted to get off the ship for a while to go and meet back at the Normandy in two hours. If they needed longer to complete their business, they were to notify EDI immediately. Shepard sent a quick message to Kirrahe letting him know that she was docking with the Citadel but had to meet with the Council first.

Shepard stepped out of the airlock and paused to take a look around her. The Citadel had changed so much since Sovereign's attack. Pretty much everything had been revamped. The docks had higher levels of security and a higher human presence than ever before. Shepard moved over to an advertisement kiosk when it lit up with a woman's face and called her name. She recognized the hooded figure of Kasumi Goto from Jane's memories. She also recalled that the master thief was standing on the catwalks above watching Shepard talk to a stupid advertisement.

"Silence is Golden. Happy?" Shepard gave the code word to the advertisement before turning to look up at the woman on the catwalks, "Can you come down here now and talk to me in person?"

"No fun! How'd you know I was here?" Kasumi asked.

Shepard shrugged, "Call it intuition."

Kasumi activated her tactical cloak, disappearing from sight. Two seconds later she reappeared on the ground and strolled up to Shepard. Shepard held her hand out to the thief who shook her hand.

"I'm sure Cerberus has told you everything you need to know. It's unlikely they told me everything I need to know. Mind filling me in on the terms of your arrangement?" Shepard asked knowing the answers already.

"Slip their minds, huh? I'm going to need your help retrieving my old partner's graybox from a man named Donavan Hock. He has it locked in his vault; I'll need your help infiltrating the vault. We do our job right, there shouldn't be any need for him to even know it's missing until we're gone," Kasumi said.

"Why does Hock have the graybox?" Shepard asked.

"Before he was killed, Keiji said that he had acquired some information – serious information – that could cause wars if it was ever found out. Hock wanted that information so he killed Keiji and took his graybox," Kasumi said.

Shepard nodded her head, "Alright, Kasumi. I've got some business to take care of here on the Citadel. We should be done here in a couple of hours. You're welcome to check out the Normandy or tend to whatever else you need to do before we leave."

"See you on the ship, Shepard," Kasumi said before activating her cloak again.

Shepard walked past the security desk and into the first door of the Citadel. She paused when she saw Garrus standing at the end of the hall talking to a turian C-Sec officer. She saw his mandibles flare from behind when she walked in, a sign that he knew she was there. Shepard squared her shoulders and walked up to the checkpoint.

She stopped a couple of feet from Garrus, knowing that the scanners were going to give a read out on her that would confuse the C-Sec guard. She glanced at Garrus while the C-Sec officer talked to his higher-ups on the comm. Garrus deigned to spare her a brief look before turning back to the officer.

"I can verify that this is Commander Shepard, Sargent Haron," Garrus said to the officer.

"It says she's dead," Haron said.

Garrus flinched ever so slightly.

"I was, uh, MIA a couple of years back. The Council knows I'm here now. I'll get things fixed," Shepard said.

"Alright. Just be sure to check in with my captain. He's at the desk just past that door," Haron said pointing over his shoulder.

Shepard nodded, "Sure thing, thanks Sargent."

Shepard made her way through the door to stop in front of Captain Bailey's desk. Jane's memories were filled with fond conversations with the human C-Sec officer. He had a family back on Earth, an ex-wife he still clearly cared about and children. Shepard didn't completely agree with his methods, but she couldn't fault the man for his effectiveness and he'd be there to help her when the time came.

"Excuse me, Captain?" Shepard said.

"Commander Shepard, welcome back to the Citadel. And the land of the living, it looks like. Let me save you a mound of paperwork and waiting, I'll fix this right up for you," Bailey said.

"Uh, yeah, thanks. I appreciate that," Shepard said.

"I'm guessing the Council already knows you're here?" Bailey asked.

"Yeah, I'm headed to them now," Shepard said. "Things are… uh, quite a bit different since the last time I was here."

Garrus walked in, passing by her without as much as a glance.

"This shit is getting old," Shepard grumbled under her breath.

There was a hitch in Garrus' step but he kept on going.

"What was that, Commander?" Bailey asked.

"Sorry, nothing. Thinking out loud. Anyway, thanks, Captain. I'd better get to the Council," Shepard said.

"Glad I could help, Commander. Let me know if you need anything," Bailey said.

Shepard left the C-Sec office and headed over to the rapid transit station. She called up the cab and had it take her to Anderson's office. As expected, the rest of the Council was already present via holographic comms. Shepard greeted Anderson with a handshake before explaining to the Council about the collector abductions, and the belief that the collectors were working for the reapers.

"Commander Shepard, we concede that the reapers are real although we do not yet know what threat they actually pose at this time," Tevos said.

Shepard was shocked. Had she heard that right?

"They… they believed you? How? No, no this isn't right. Too much is changing. What will happen now? I don't know what will happen now!" Jane said.

"Everyone I've spoken to says that you are still denying the existence of the reapers," Shepard said.

"We have put forth publicly that the reapers do not exist and that Sovereign was nothing more than an advanced ship created by the geth. Until we have more solid evidence that the reapers are capable and intent on attacking, we do not wish to alarm the public," Valern said.

"We were not able to completely decipher all of the information that you provided us from the prothean VI, and the VI is no longer functioning on Ilos," Tevos said.

"What we were able to decipher, and verify, was enough to convince us that the reapers are real and responsible for the prothean extinction," Sparatus said.

"We're still working on the rest, Shepard," Anderson said.

"We don't know that the reapers are actually still around, and we don't know that they are coming to attack us. If Sovereign has been here, in hiding since the time of the protheans, it is completely possible that its attempts to gain access to the Citadel were little more than wishful thinking that there were still others waiting on the other side," Valern said.

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose. She had managed to change the Council's stance on the reapers, but only just barely. They were still going to be as big of an obstacle as they ever were for Jane.

"Commander, you have been gone for two years and now you are working with Cerberus. Any evidence you present will be immediately suspect and will require independent verification. What evidence do you have that the collectors are responsible for the missing colonists? What evidence do you have that they are working for the reapers?" Tevos asked.

Shepard opened her omni-tool and forwarded the video footage from Freedom's Progress to each of the councilors, "This footage was taken directly from the security feeds at the last location the collectors hit. It clearly shows the collectors abducting human colonists. I don't yet have proof that they are working for the reapers, but as soon as I have it, I will send it to you."

"As Councilor Tevos said, we will have to verify this evidence. The problem still stands, however, that the colonies that have been attacked are outside of Council space. We have no jurisdiction in the Terminus Systems," Valern said.

"Unfortunately, the Alliance has no jurisdiction there either," Anderson said. "Not on that scale. We can lend aid directly to human colonies, but we are not able to police the area, Shepard."

"Which leaves me with little choice. Either I do nothing and let the attacks continue, or I stay with Cerberus and use their resources to find a way to stop this. It is not ideal for me, but I will do what needs to be done," Shepard said.

"I am sorry, Commander, but there is no aid that we can offer you other than to show our support through reinstating your Spectre status. It will mean nothing in the Terminus Systems, but it will help shield you while you are in Citadel space," Tevos said.

"Thank you, Councilor," Shepard said. "I will continue to send you whatever I find, regardless. If it is something that can be used by the Council, then it is best to be prepared for whatever is coming."

"Indeed, thank you, Commander," Tevos said before ending the call.

Shepard stood staring at the empty hologram comms, "No offense, Anderson but this Council is unbelievable."

Anderson chuckled, "You're telling me, I've had to work with them every day since you offered me up to fill the slot."

Shepard made a show of wincing, "Yeah… sorry about that. No way was I going to recommend Udina."

Anderson chuckled and pulled Shepard into a hug. She squeezed him tight before pulling away to look at his face. He looked older; the Council was doing a number on the man that was for sure. There were more gray hairs lining his temples and the fine lines around his eyes weren't as fine anymore.

"Christ, look at your face. Those scars. What did they do to you, Shepard?" Anderson asked.

"They cut us open and the scraped and drilled and pumped us full of things. They put metal parts and tubes inside of us and left them there," Jane said.

"I don't know all the details, and to be honest I'm pretty sure I don't want to. What I do know is that they somehow got a hold of my corpse and spent the last two years cutting me open, cleaning me out, replacing broken parts, and implanting me with cybernetics. The cybernetics are actually pretty useful," Shepard said.

"But why? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure glad as hell to see you on your feet, but I don't understand why Cerberus would invest so much into you," Anderson said.

Shepard half shrugged, "The leader of Cerberus is a man who calls himself 'Illusive Man'. I've only been allowed to speak to him through holo-comms. A quantum entangler something or other. He claims it's because of what I represent to humanity, and because he believes the reapers are coming. He put me in charge of stopping this thing with the collectors."

"Huh. I suppose I understand that. You are a symbol of power and strength, hope and perseverance to the Alliance. Your loss was felt deeply," Anderson said.

"Listen, Anderson, I know that I can't be seen as a part of the Alliance anymore. But I want you to know that in my heart, I'm still Alliance. I'm not working for Cerberus, I'm making those sons-of-bitches work for me. Anything and everything that I get on Cerberus, the collectors, the reapers – all of it, it's yours. You have my word," Shepard said gripping the man's shoulder.

Anderson studied her quietly for a moment before nodding his head, "That is good to hear, Commander. Very good to hear. I will give you whatever support I can."

"They've got the whole ship bugged up and so don't consider my accounts to be secured connections. I've been scanned for bugs myself recently, it seems they haven't taken the step of bugging my gear. I don't want to give them any reason to change their minds about that. Still, I'll check regularly," Shepard said.

"Good idea. Here let me give you this program the Council gave me when I joined. It'll let you know anytime you're near any type of covert device," Anderson said.

"Thanks, that will come in handy," Shepard said. "I need to know, before the Normandy went down, I had talked to Hackett and he agreed that Liara T'Soni could join the research team on Mars. There was reason to believe that plans for a device capable of defeating the reapers is buried somewhere in the prothean ruins on Mars. I need to know if they're still looking, if they found anything?"

"Yes, I heard that Dr. T'Soni was lost in the attack as well. You have my condolences, Shepard. I'm sure that loosing Dr. T'Soni and Gunnery Chief Williams has been very hard for you. It's never easy losing someone on your team," Anderson said squeezing Shepard's shoulder. "I don't know about the plans but I can speak to Hackett for you."

"And it's your fault. You stood there and let the collectors kill us. It's my fault, never should have told you. Now we're alive and they're dead," Jane said.

"Thank you, sir. If you find anything out, just send me a message asking me to meet with you in private. I don't want Cerberus to know anything about this," Shepard said. "And be sure to tell Hackett that if I'm on the Normandy SR-2, he has to assume that any transmissions he sends me are being cataloged by Cerberus. I'll see if I can find a clear spot for private conversations with what you gave me. Until then, though, don't take chances."

"Shepard, before you go, I have something I need to ask you. It might be a bit difficult for you to talk about, but I have to ask," Anderson said.

Shepard raised a brow, "What is it, sir?"

"A few weeks after the attacks on the Normandy, I decided on a hunch to check the final communications of all Alliance personnel aboard the Normandy at the time of the attack," Anderson said.

All of the color drained from Shepard's face and her mouth dried out. She stood very still, like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I, uh, I found that some messages had been delivered to some of the Alliance crew a couple of weeks after the Normandy went offline," Anderson continued.

Anderson waited a moment for Shepard to speak but she said nothing.

"Shepard, you know what I found," Anderson said.

"Anderson, I – I…," Shepard tried to speak but her mouth was so dry and she couldn't find the words.

"Sit down, kid. You look like you're about to fall over," Anderson led her to a chair. "Here, let me get you some water."

"He knows. He knows about us. He'll make you stop messing everything up. He's going to lock you away where you can't hurt anyone else. Where we can't hurt anyone else," Jane said.

Anderson brought over two glasses of water and sat down in a chair next to Shepard. Shepard took a long drink from the glass before setting it down carefully on his desk.

"Anderson, listen, I know it sounds crazy. It's why I didn't come to you or anyone higher up on the chain with it but you have to believe me, it's real," Shepard said.

"How, Shepard? How can this… Jane be real? You've got to level with me here, kid because it isn't making a whole lot of sense," Anderson said.

"I don't know how, Anderson. I swear I don't, but she's real and she's shown me so much already that has already come to pass and I… I don't know, gods, I don't know!" Shepard said rubbing her hands over her face and through her hair.

Anderson sat back in his chair and crossed one leg over the other. He watched Shepard in silence, tapping a finger against the smooth surface of his desk.

"Like what? Sovereign? Saren? The reapers?" Anderson finally asked.

"All of it, Anderson. Though she's being a little more difficult right now. She's trying to withhold information from me," Shepard said.

"Withhold information? Why?" Anderson asked.

"She uh, she stayed conscious this time. Through my death and everything Cerberus did to bring me back… she's not stable. They're not stable," Shepard said.

"OK, Commander. Assume I'm willing to try to believe this. What can you tell me, how can you prove this?" Anderson asked.

"Why are you even willing to try?" Shepard asked.

"Well, to be honest with you Commander when I found that first video I thought you had cracked. I must have watched it a hundred times trying to make sense out of it all. I tried to think of some other way that you could have known about the attack on the Normandy and everything else," Anderson said.

"A part of me wanted to believe that you were a double-agent – working for the reapers or something, but I couldn't convince myself of that. So, I searched through all of the accounts that I could and I erased all evidence of those messages ever being there. I only had access to the Alliance accounts, mind you, but I wanted to make sure no one else ever saw them. I wanted to make sure your memory wasn't tarnished in any way," he said.

"So no one else saw them?" Shepard asked relief sweeping over her.

"Why isn't he locking us up?" Jane asked.

Anderson shook his head, "Then when I start getting reports of you being alive again… Well, if it weren't for my having seen the wreckage with my own eyes and Joker swearing on his pilot's license that he watched you get spaced… What other answer is there? You knew you were going to die, you knew Cerberus would bring you back to life. And you let it happen."

"It was the only way to be sure I'd be where I needed to be to fight the collectors… the reapers. I tried, Anderson, but I couldn't find anything solid that wouldn't hurt us more in the long run," Shepard said.

"Should have tried something else. Anything else. Liara and Ashely would still be alive and we wouldn't have been cut open. It hurt. Gods it hurt," Jane said.

"No other way?" Anderson asked.

"I was running out of time, Anderson. It was the right call," Shepard said.

Anderson grunted, "Give me some proof, Shepard."

"I know that there is a woman named Kahlee Sanders who now works for Grissom Academy. The two of you used to be involved. I know that you still care about her, and you miss her," Shepard said.

Anderson rubbed a hand across his mouth, "I haven't talked to anyone about Kahlee in years. Still, I'm going to need something more than that, Shepard."

"I don't know what else to say to convince you, Anderson. I can tell you all about what's to come but you'd have to wait to see it before you could believe it. The only thing I have is to tell you things that I learned about you over the upcoming years," Shepard said.

"Alright, start at the beginning, Commander," Anderson said.

And so she did. She told him everything she could remember about what the early days were like for her, having found the beacon and then thinking that everything she was experiencing after that was caused by the beacon. She told him about the way she found that she just knew where enemies were going to be, or how to diffuse a bomb instantly. She told him about the joining with Liara, and Liara's discovery of 'the veil'. Shepard told him about how it damaged her brain when all the voices screamed in her mind that first time.

Shepard told Anderson about Dr. Tulina being called in by Dr. Chakwas, and all the work that Dr. Tulina had done to help Shepard interact with 'the veil'. How through attempting to reach out and learning to mediate she became better and better at communicating with 'the veil' and learned the truth about Jane. How Jane begged her to find a way to break her cycle, so Shepard started trying to change things as much as she could. She started doing anything that she thought might make the Council believe her, make them take action. She started doing anything she could to prepare the galaxy for the reapers and for the war, thinking that maybe that was the way to do it.

She told him how when she was dying, lost adrift in space and suffocating, Jane was finally able to completely breakthrough. She told him how terrified she was, and how terrified Jane sounded in her mind, confused as to why she felt like she was dying, too. How when she woke up again, on that cold, steel slab in a Cerberus lab, Jane ranted like a madwoman in her head.

Her omni-tool beeped at her. She stopped to check it; it was from Kirrahe he said he was outside of the embassies and waiting for her.

"Anderson, I'm sorry. I know that there is still so much more you need to hear, but I have to go. The salarian we worked with on Virmire, Kirrahe, is waiting for me outside. I can't miss this meeting with him," Shepard said. "He was invaluable on the Citadel and has offered his support in the past. I need to touch base with him to make sure that offer still stands. I can tell my crew they have more time to shop around on the Citadel and come back later, if you'd like?"

Shepard could swear the man looked like he had seen a ghost. He wasn't even that shaken to see her, a dead woman, walk in through his door.

"Are you alright, sir?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah… I'm just processing. Go, meet with Kirrahe. Get us every drop of support you can, Shepard. I've got some meetings to attend to, but I'll be free in a couple of hours," Anderson said standing on shaky legs.

Shepard turned to leave and Anderson put a hand on her arm to stop her. She turned back around and he pulled her in for another tight hug.

"I'm so sorry, kid," Anderson whispered in her ear. "All of you, I guess. I'm so sorry."

"Anderson…," Jane sounded wistful.

Shepard patted him on the back and left his office. She couldn't believe the massive sense of relief she was feeling. Having Anderson know and believe her was huge. Maybe even game-changer-huge. Out in the hall she called up EDI on her mic.

"EDI, can you please inform the crew that I am extending our time on the Citadel by a few hours. Some things have come up that need my attention. I will notify them again when I'm ready to leave. Also, please ask Mordin to meet me at the embassies right away, if he can," Shepard said.

"Right away, Shepard. Professor Solus says he is headed to you now," EDI said.

"Thanks, EDI," Shepard said.

"Of course, Shepard," EDI replied.

Shepard made her way down to the embassies and spotted Kirrahe right away. He was flanked by a few of his men, salarians she recognized from Virmire. Shepard wove through the crowd until she stood in front of his team.

"Captain, thank you for meeting with me," Shepard said.

"Commander Shepard. I had to see you for myself to believe the rumors. It's Major now. Good to see you," Kirrahe said.

"My apologies and congratulations on the promotion. I hope you don't mind but I invited Professor Mordin Solus to join us. He is working with me now and I thought he might be able to help fill you in on what we're facing. He should be here any moment," Shepard said.

"Ah! Mordin Solus! It will be good to see him again. He served under me for a time. Oh, look, I see him now," Kirrahe pointed.

Shepard turned her head and saw Mordin making his way through the crowd. She smiled when she saw Mordin locate her standing next to Kirrahe and the small flicker of shock crossed his face. Shepard waved him over and Mordin came to stand next to her.

"Kirrahe. Has been many years. Was not aware that you knew Shepard. Good to see you," Mordin said shaking Kirrahe's hand before clasping his hands behind his back.

"It is good to see you as well, Solus. You fell out of contact with everyone. We could only speculate that you were still alive," Kirrahe said.

"Found things to keep occupied. Never best at… communicating," Mordin said before turning to Shepard. "Shepard, how can I help?"

"I was hoping that you could help me to explain our findings on the collectors to the Major here and his men," Shepard said.

"Major? Congratulations," Mordin said.

Kirrahe nodded his thanks.

"I was sent to aid Kirrahe on Virmire and by some miracle was able to convince him of the reaper threat when few others were willing to listen. He offered me his support then, and was able to draw in a few others from STG. They were there on the Citadel that day, helping to fight the geth because of my warnings," Shepard explained.

"Happy to explain. Perhaps another location? Less noise. Less people," Mordin said.

Kirrahe and Shepard both agreed with that sentiment and the entire group moved to a small, quiet café outside of the embassies. The place was surprisingly empty considering the vast number of people on the Presidium who frequented the area. Shepard took one drink from a coffee she ordered and understood why. She idly wondered how the place was even still in business.

They sat there for about a half hour while Shepard and Mordin filled Kirrahe and his men in on the abductions of human colonies in the Terminus Systems. Mordin also explained to Kirrahe his belief that the plague on Omega was created by the collectors as an experimental means to learn about other species, perhaps as a precursor to attacking other species more directly. Kirrahe and his men mostly stayed quiet, only occasionally asking a question about specific locations and the numbers taken.

Eventually, the conversation turned to Shepard as she knew it would. That was the other reason why she had invited Mordin. She hoped that his word would carry some credence, helping Kirrahe to trust that she was indeed Shepard still and was still focused on the threat at hand. That she wasn't lost to the twisted ways of Cerberus. Much to Shepard's chagrin, Mordin opened up his omni-tool and showed Kirrahe and his men the scans he had taken of Shepard on Omega. They exchanged a few comments using words well beyond Shepard's understanding before nodding in agreement. She was just happy that they were satisfied.

Kirrahe said that they had to go shortly after that but promised to stay in touch with Shepard. She promised him that she would keep him apprised of any developments and thanked him again for his continued support. Shepard dismissed Mordin who was eager to return to his lab aboard the Normandy. When he was gone, she sat alone in the café staring out the window watching people go by. She shifted her gaze and her eyes caught sight of Thane Krios standing in the middle of the crowd watching her. She started to stand and he disappeared.

"Yeah, that's not creepy," she muttered.

Toying with her, she thought. Shepard transferred a more than generous tip to the kiosk on the table and left the café. Just to avoid pissing off the drell and making him decide to snap her neck after all, Shepard turned the opposite way from where she saw him. She had time to kill, so she decided to wander around the Zakera wards for a while.

She stopped in a few shops and used her notoriety to convince them to give her discounts. She didn't need the discounts, Cerberus was keeping her well-funded, but she was bored and it was something to do. She remembered Jane doing the same thing from time to time. She ruined a krogan's day by telling him that the lakes on the Presidium did not have any fish in them but then offered to buy him a fish at the gift shop. He said it wasn't the same and pouted as she left.

She detoured to come to the rescue of a young quarian being harassed by an asshole volus and a C-Sec officer. Once the officer and volus left, Shepard offered to buy the quarian something to eat. She could tell that the woman's pride was encouraging her to say no, so Shepard started talking about Tali and Tali's pilgrimage. She warmed up to Shepard after that and let Shepard take her into the nearest dextro-friendly restaurant. She said her name was Lia'Vael nar Ulnay.

"I can't believe you helped Rael'Zorah's daughter with her pilgrimage!" Lia said.

Shepard chuckled, "Well, to be fair, I think she probably did more to help me than I did to help her."

"Really?" Lia asked.

"Oh yeah, Tali's information on the geth and the recording she had of Saren and Matriarch Benezia made a world of difference. Without her help, I don't know if the Council would have ever believed that one of their Spectres had gone rogue," Shepard said.

Shepard glanced out the window and saw Garrus standing against a wall with his arms crossed watching her. She lifted her hand hesitantly and waved. He pushed away from the wall and walked away without looking back. The devastation she had been feeling anytime Garrus came to mind must have been evident on her face.

"Is everything alright, Commander Shepard?" Lia asked.

Shepard looked back to the young quarian and shook her head, "Yeah, I'll be fine. Just, uh, guy trouble. So, have you been on the Citadel for your whole Pilgrimage?"

Lia turned her body to look out the window, trying to catch sight of whoever Shepard had been looking at before turning back to Shepard.

"Mostly, though to be honest I'm not sure what I was thinking by coming here of all places," Lia said.

"How so?" Shepard asked.

The quarian shrugged and pushed food around on her plate, "You saw the way those two treated me. Most people don't act much differently. You're probably the first person in weeks to just sit and have a conversation with me."

Shepard frowned, "I'm sorry to hear that Lia, have you thought about going somewhere else?"

"I don't really know where else to go, and every bit of money I have I am trying to save for a ship," Lia said.

"Well, I tell you what, if you think of someplace else you want to go, let me know. Here's my extranet address. I'll take you wherever you want," Shepard said.

"Oh, but I can't afford to pay you for transport," Lia said.

"I'm not asking you to pay me, Lia. I'm constantly going all over the galaxy for my missions and I have to frequently visit the Citadel. It wouldn't be putting me out at all, I promise," Shepard said.

"Really? You would do that for me?" Lia asked.

Shepard shrugged, "Sure, why not? I mean, I can't drop everything to come get you if I'm on the other side of the galaxy so you might end up having to wait until I need to come back to the Citadel to report in or something, and you might have to spend a little time on the Normandy until I can get you where you're going but either way it shouldn't be more than a few weeks at most."

"Wow. That is… I don't even know what to say. I mean, thank you. I will give it some thought. I can't believe… thank you, Commander Shepard," Lia said.

Shepard chuckled, "You're welcome, Lia."

Shepard's omni-tool beeped and she looked to see it was Anderson telling her he was available. She stood up and reached a hand out for the quarian to shake. Lia started to stand, too.

"No, you stay, enjoy your dinner. I insist. It's already been paid for so no worries. I've got a meeting that I have to go to. It was nice meeting you Lia'Vael nar Ulnay. Keep in touch," Shepard said.

"Oh, I will! Thank you again, Commander Shepard!" Lia said.

Shepard gave the quarian one last wave as she left the restaurant to make her way back to Anderson's office. She was rounding a corner when she nearly ran right into Garrus.

"Shit! Garrus, sorry… I didn't know you were there," Shepard said.

"Was that a new recruit?" Garrus asked.

Shepard took a moment to process his question, surprised not only by his sudden presence but by the fact he was speaking to her when it wasn't necessary.

"Huh? Oh, uh, no. Just met her. She's on her Pilgrimage and having a rough time of things. Thought I'd get her something to eat and someone to talk to for a few minutes who sees her as something more than a vagrant," Shepard said. "So… uh, were you waiting for me? Did you need something or…"

"That drell assassin has been following you," Garrus said.

Shepard glanced around, "Uh, yeah, I saw him briefly earlier. He let me see him, anyway. Did he talk to you or something?"

"No, but since you seemed fond of following him into dark alleys by yourself I thought I should make sure you knew. It would really blow a hole in this mission if he decided to break your neck," Garrus said.

"Gods, Garrus and here I was thinking that maybe you actually cared about me for two seconds. Don't worry about Thane, if he wanted me dead, I'd already be dead. He's probably just curious," Shepard said feeling her frustration rising. "You know, since we have to work together on this, do you think that you could at least try to not hate me? It would make both of our lives easier, don't you think?"

Garrus studied her, his face perfectly still, "I don't hate you Shepard. I could never hate you. Sometimes I wish I could, it would have made the last two years a lot easier."

Shepard looked at her feet, "Listen, Garrus, I know I fucked up things with you bad. I put way too much on you, asked for far more from you than I had any right… I know that I can never make that right. I'm trying to you know, respect your space and not push you to talk or whatever. But you got to understand, it's been two years for you but for me it's only been a few days since… since I was in your arms and it's… it's going to take me some time to adjust."

She looked up again and saw that he was still watching her with his cold eyes and it made her cringe.

"If you need to yell at me or, hell, if you want to knock me on my ass, I get it. I won't stop you," Shepard said.

"Spirits, Shepard. I'm not going to hit you," Garrus said.

"Why not? I would," Shepard said.

Garrus chuffed and Shepard's eyes fluttered closed against the rush of emotion such a simple sound pulled through her heart. Tears started to sting her eyes and she blinked them away. When she focused on him again she thought that his might just look a little softer but a moment later it was gone. She figured it was probably just wishful thinking.

"I uh, I should go. Anderson is waiting for me. He uh, he found some of my failsafe videos and… well he's had a lot of questions," Shepard said starting to walk past.

Suddenly Garrus' hand was closing around her arm, stopping her. It felt like fire on her skin, and her whole body flushed in response. Garrus pulled his hand away quickly.

"Wait, you're saying Anderson knows about Jane?" Garrus asked.

"Yeah. He does now. He hasn't told anyone else. Deleted the videos after he watched them. Didn't want my reputation to be tarnished; his words," Shepard scoffed. "Of course, I ruined that by showing back up in a Cerberus vessel. At least the Council still decided to reinstate me."

"Hmmm. So, how is he taking the news?" Garrus asked.

"It could be worse. He believes me, so that's a huge relief," Shepard said. "Do you, uh… do you want to come with me? I mean, you know most of this already…"

Garrus tapped a finger against his thigh and clicked his mandibles against his jaw a few times in thought before nodding. Shepard turned and started walking before he could see the smile that was creeping up on her face. It was a start.

Shepard walked into Anderson's office with Garrus behind her. Anderson looked up from his desk then stood to greet them.

"Shepard, I'm glad you waited around. And you brought, Garrus Vakarian, wasn't it?" Anderson asked.

"Yes, Councilor," Garrus responded.

Anderson made a harrumphing sound in his throat, "Please, Anderson is fine. This isn't a formal meeting and sometimes I like to try and forget that circus for a few minutes."

Garrus chuckled lightly and Shepard's heart skipped a beat.

"Please, have a seat make yourselves comfortable. I take it Vakarian here knows what we're going to be talking about?" Anderson asked Shepard.

"Yeah, I've told him more than anyone else before the – before you," Shepard said.

"I see," Anderson said retrieving a bottle of amber liquid from a cabinet in his desk. "I got to tell you, Shepard, I'm a little wounded that you never brought this to me."

Anderson moved across the room to another cabinet and brought back a second bottle and three glasses. He held the bottles up for approval and when Shepard and Garrus both nodded; he poured the three of them a drink, making sure to keep Garrus' separate.

"C'mon, Anderson. You wouldn't have had any choice but to send me to see every Alliance shrink on the payroll," Shepard said.

Anderson grunted. He knew it was the truth, even if he didn't like it. He handed Garrus a glass before picking up another to hand to Shepard and keeping one for himself. Shepard took a swallow of the bourbon in her glass before nodding in approval.

"So, you were saying that when you regained consciousness, Jane wasn't making a lot of sense?" Anderson said.

Shepard nodded slowly, "I'm going to backtrack a little, if you don't mind. I uh, haven't had the opportunity to fill Garrus in on anything after the Normandy was hit."

"Sure, I don't mind," Anderson said.

Shepard glanced sidelong at Garrus to see he was staring at the drink in his hand. She cleared her throat.

"So, when I was… uh, losing consciousness something changed and suddenly, Jane was just there. I mean like, completely there. I could hear her perfectly, and just remembered everything she lived through. That they all lived through, I guess," Shepard began shifting in her seat.

She took another swallow of her drink, "She was scared, and said that she could feel everything that I was feeling. She, uh, she said it felt like she was dying, too."

Shepard saw Garrus finally stop staring at the drink and knocked it back, draining the glass. Anderson leaned forward and pushed the bottle of turian brandy towards Garrus. Garrus muttered a thank you before pouring himself another.

"When I woke up again, Jane was still there but she sounded insane," Shepard paused when Jane interrupted her.

"We're not insane. You're insane, this is insane. This whole gods be damned universe is insane," Jane said.

"Commander?" Anderson asked.

"Sorry, she uh, didn't care for my saying that too much," Shepard said and killed her drink.

She didn't wait for Anderson to offer her another; instead she rose to her feet and leaned over the desk to swipe the bottle for herself. Anderson smirked but didn't say anything.

"So, she was telling me all about how much it hurt, for them to cut me open and do… whatever the hell it was they did to bring me back. She says she was conscious for the whole thing, she felt it all. She just kept saying that it hurt so bad," Shepard put the cap back on the bottle and set it down where she could reach it again. "'Course, I didn't actually feel it. I mean, yeah, I was sore when I woke up but I didn't feel anything when it was happening."

Shepard sat back down in her chair a few feet from Garrus. His eyes were on her now, she could feel them but she didn't turn to look at him.

"It's been a little difficult to concentrate when she's worked up but she seems to be calming down at least a little. Thing is; now she's convinced that asking me to change things to break this cycle was a bad idea. She keeps telling me they don't like the changes and want me to stop," Shepard took a drink.

"It was a bad idea. A terrible idea. Things went sideways. We never should have told you anything. You don't even see how different things are now. Without Liara, we may never find the plans for the Crucible. The reapers will win, we won't be able to stop them and everyone will die!" Jane said.

"I told her that wasn't going to happen. I can't put things back the way they were, and besides for that, I've got no interest in repeating this cycle with her and the rest of them," Shepard said.

"Some things have already been pretty different since I woke up compared to the others. Tali wasn't on Freedom's Progress and neither was the other quarian, Veetor. In other times, Veetor would have collected data on the seekers and it would have really helped us to develop an antidote. It's not going to stop us, of course, but now I have to come up with something else," Shepard took a long pull from the glass.

"Garrus wasn't where he normally would be, but that was expected since I tried to warn him of what could happen on Omega," Shepard's eyes flicked briefly over to him before looking back at Anderson.

"More importantly, and the most regretfully, Ashley and Liara are… dead," Shepard knocked back the drink.

"They're dead and it's your fault! It's our fault. We never should have told you. We were wrong; we got it all wrong, Dawn. Nothing was supposed to change," Jane said.

"Damn it, this isn't doing anything. Fucking Cerberus implants," Shepard poured herself a third drink anyway. "I'll buy you another bottle. And amazingly the Council isn't completely disregarding the reapers."

"They're not?" Garrus asked.

Anderson shook his head, "Only publicly. Until they can find proof that the reapers are intent on, and capable of leaving dark space to attack us."

Garrus killed his drink and poured another. Shepard started to pace the room carrying her glass with her; she could feel the eyes of the two men tracking her movements.

"She's fighting me now. Trying to keep information from me," Shepard said.

"Because you're ruining everything. Everyone is dying and you broke Garrus. You can't stop the reapers. They're still coming, they're going to kill us all because of you," Jane said.

Garrus chuffed, "That's… ironic."

Shepard glanced at him, "And incredibly annoying."

"Like what?" Anderson asked.

"Well, yesterday on the ship I was trying to think of another way to get Mordin – he's a salarian scientist on my new team – the information he needs to create a counteragent to the swarms when a name came to mind: James Vega. It was like I could see his face there, for just a second and then Jane was slamming the door closed in my face," Shepard said.

"I'm sorry, did you say James Vega?" Anderson asked.

"Yeah, you know him?" Shepard stopped pacing.

"I know of him. He's Alliance. Do you know him?" Anderson asked.

Shepard shrugged, "Not yet. I normally wouldn't meet him until you post him as a guard while I'm serving time for this whole fiasco."

"Hmm. You think he's important somehow?" Anderson asked.

"No, no he's not important. Leave him alone. Just leave everyone alone," Jane said.

"I don't know. It seems like he must be since he was what came to mind. Jane just yelled at me though, told me I was changing too much and to stay away from him so I didn't end up killing him, too," Shepard said running a hand over her face. "She blames me for Ashley and Liara."

"I'll pull his files see what I can tell you about him, I'll have to be discrete, though so it'll have to wait for now," Anderson said.

Shepard nodded her head, "Thanks, Anderson."

"Commander, what can you tell me about what we should be expecting?" Anderson asked.

She resumed her pacing, "Well, the collectors are abducting human colonists to use them as… I don't know – an ingredient? – In a new form of reaper. It looks like a human."

"No, stop it, you shouldn't be telling them this! What if you break Anderson, too?" Jane said.

"Spirits," Garrus said quietly.

"Unless I've really fucked things up, my team and I will destroy the human-reaper and stop the collectors. I uh… I might have to destroy a relay in batarian space… it's going to kill off hundreds of thousands," Shepard said.

"Stop it, Dawn. Just shut up. Shut up!" Jane yelled frantically.

"What?! Shepard, you can't go destroying a relay!" Anderson said.

"If I don't the reapers are going to use that relay to come through and they'll be on us in days… from when I would normally find out about it anyway. If I do, it buys us more time. Trust me, Anderson, I don't like the idea and I will try to find another way. Any other way now that I have advanced warning," Shepard said.

"No, you can't. You have to destroy the relay. It has to be done. It always has to be done," Jane said.

Anderson leaned forward and put his elbows on his desk rubbing his temples with his hands.

"That's huge, Shepard. A move like that… it could cause a whole other war," Anderson said.

"I know, Anderson. Gods, I know," Shepard said.

Garrus knocked back another drink before pouring another and doing the same to the next. How many had he already had? She wasn't sure, but he was filling the glass pretty full each time. More than half the bottle was gone already. How full was it when Anderson showed it to them? She couldn't remember. Shepard had never seen him drink so much so quickly but she wasn't about to tell him to stop. She didn't think he'd appreciate that in the slightest. She'd make sure he got back to the Normandy when they left.

"After we take down the collectors, I turn the new Normandy and myself over to the Alliance. I'm imprisoned for my actions with Cerberus and the relay. It's while I'm serving my sentence that the reapers hit," Shepard stopped pacing.

She suddenly yelled into the room, "Gods damn it Jane, stop this shit!"

Garrus and Anderson both flinched at her sudden outburst. Jane was throwing up walls, fighting to keep Shepard from saying anything else. Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose.

"No, no Dawn. This has to stop. You can't tell them. You can't change anything else, we won't let you! Everyone is going to die because of you. This isn't making things better; it's making it all worse!" Jane said.

"Commander, are you alright?" Anderson asked.

Shepard grimaced; her head was starting to hurt, "I can't get through. She's shut me out again. Gods, my head is starting to throb."

Garrus stood, "Should I call Dr. Chakwas? This isn't like before, is it?"

Shepard opened her eyes and looked at Garrus. The alcohol was loosening him up a bit it seemed. She caught the slight sway of his body telling her he was definitely drunk. Concern filled his eyes and it made her heart break a little.

"No, I'm alright. I just think that's all I'm going to be able to tell you guys tonight," Shepard said.

"Are you sure, Commander? I'm sure Dr. Chakwas wouldn't mind coming up to check on you here if you want. You shouldn't push this thing too much. I had no idea that your injuries were so serious before," Anderson said.

"I'm sure, I'll be alright. I'll get her to give me something when I'm back on the ship if I need it. I'll uh, I'll be in touch, Anderson," Shepard said.

Anderson stood and walked Shepard and a wobbly Garrus to the door, "Is he going to make it back alright?"

"Yeah, I got him. We'll be alright," Shepard said.

"I'm not that drunk," Garrus said.

Shepard and Anderson both chuckled.

"Yeah you are, come on let's get you back to the Normandy," Shepard said.

When the door to Anderson's office closed, Shepard tapped her comm, "EDI? Call everyone back to the Normandy, please."

"Right away, Shepard," EDI responded.

The lights on the Citadel had dimmed, simulating night. The stars were visible around them as Shepard stayed close behind Garrus to make sure he wasn't going to fall over or anything. She almost walked right into his back when he abruptly stopped. Shepard stepped around him so she could see his face.

"You alright? You're not going to puke or anything are you?" Shepard asked.

Try as she might, the drinks she had were having zero effect on her. It would take something a lot stronger to get her drunk these days. Or at least a whole lot more of the usual stuff. Garrus swayed on his feet and chuffed. Her heart raced in response. She saw the iris of his visor constrict.

"Lie to me, Shepard," Garrus said.

Shepard chuckled, "What? Why?"

"Lie to me. Tell me you don't love me. That you never did. That everything you said on that damn video was a lie," his eyes filled with pain.

Shepard swallowed and slowly shook her head, "I can't do that, Garrus. I'm sorry."

Cold anger swept back in to fill his voice and eyes, "Of course not."

Shepard's eyes filled with tears and she brushed them violently away.

"Come on, let's get you back to the Normandy so you can sleep this off," Shepard said turning away.

He put a hand on her shoulder to stop her and she turned back around.

"I don't want to do this right now, Garrus. Not while you're this drunk. It's not fair to either of us," Shepard said.

He reached a hand out and brushed his fingertips down the side of her face, tracing the glowing scars that were etched into her skin. More tears forced their way out of her eyes. Shepard gently pulled his hand away from her face; this was killing her all over again.

"I thought I was supposed to be the one with the scars?" Garrus asked swaying again.

"You changed that, on Omega. Whatever you did differently… well, you avoided a rocket to the face. Lucky you, right?" Shepard said.

"Lucky? No, Shepard. I wasn't lucky. There was nothing lucky for me these last two years. Just loneliness, and death, and anger. Lots of alcohol. A few women to take the edge off. They hated me afterwards. All except Sarat," Garrus said making Shepard wince. "She never got it; there was never anything more there. Not for her. I told her that before anything ever happened. Made sure she knew it could never be anything more. She just never got it. Now she's dead, too."

"I'm sorry, Garrus. I hope you know that. I hope you know that the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you," Shepard said.

"But you did, Dawn," Garrus said.

Shepard's head dropped to look at her feet and to hide the tears in her eyes. He hadn't called her Dawn since before she died. She felt his hand wrap around the back of her head and a second later his forehead was pressing into hers. Shepard's shoulders began to shake with suppressed sobs. She put her hands up to hide her face. His other arm snaked around her waist and he pulled her against his chest in an embrace.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, oblivious to the few people still milling about on the Citadel as Shepard pulled herself together. When she started to pull away from Garrus, she heard his low growl and stopped. He buried his face in her neck and hair and pulled in a deep breath. She couldn't help the heat that flooded her body but she could help keep him from doing something he would obviously regret when he sobered up.

Shepard put her hands against his chest and gently pushed him away, "Garrus, stop."

He resisted at first, breathing in deeply again and she could swear she heard him whimper.

"Garrus, you don't want to do this. Not really. It's the alcohol talking. Come on, let's get you back to the Normandy," Shepard said pushing him a little harder.

He stopped fighting her and let her pull away. She could see an almost feral hunger in his eyes. She had no doubt he was probably seeing the same in her own.

"Spirits," he grumbled before shuffling his feet forward towards the Normandy's docks.