Chapter 15: Existential Crisis
Shepard stopped inside of the airlock and started removing her armor.
"Seriously, I don't know how you wear that around the clock," she said to Garrus.
Garrus chuckled before helping her with the clasps, sliding the breastplate away from her chest.
"Not everyone in the galaxy can be as good as a turian," he said.
"Garrus, you don't even consider yourself to be a good turian," Shepard said working on her greaves.
"Which makes you all the more adorable for trying so hard," he said.
"Alright, Vakarian. Don't make me hand your metal plated ass to you," Shepard said.
"Hmmm. I'll make your –," Garrus said before he glanced at Thane. "Ah, right."
Shepard smirked and led them towards the galaxy map.
"Give me a second, I want to get us off of Illium," Shepard said.
Mordin had returned to his labs the second they passed through the Normandy's airlock. Shepard wondered what the salarian was thinking about everything she told him but now wasn't the time to ask. Garrus stood behind and to the side of Thane, still watching him warily as Thane waited with his hands behind his back. He seemed disinterested in the ship and crew as she moved him throughout the Normandy. Shepard knew that he was taking in and cataloging everything his eyes saw, though, and would likely spend some time in the night stalking the ship to gain familiarity. Shepard set her armor down beneath the laptop next to the galaxy map. She entered the coordinates for the Citadel and stepped back from the map.
"Do you want the full tour?" Shepard asked.
"I do not believe that will be necessary," Thane said.
"Going to wait until half the crew is asleep and figure it all out yourself?" Shepard asked with a smirk.
"Why must you antagonize him?" Jane asked.
"I'm not antagonizing him. I'm just talking to him, Jane," Shepard thought.
Thane's only response was a slight twitch of his lips.
"Alright, well I'll give you the abbreviated version," Shepard said turning to point towards the cockpit.
"The cockpit is that way, obviously. The pilot's name is Joker. Joker say hi," Shepard said.
"Hello Mr. Assassin, sir. Please don't kill me in my sleep, sir," Joker said over the comm.
"Joker!" Shepard said.
"Joker!" Jane echoed.
"What? I'm just saying," Joker said.
"Maybe if you don't want the assassin to kill you, you should try not being an ass," Shepard said.
"So you prefer being killed while you're awake? Just so we're clear. I haven't forgotten about the elevator," Garrus said.
"Hey, it worked, didn't it?" Joker replied.
"Alright, so anyway, before we scare the nice assassin away with the sheer level of unprofessionalism we've shown him so far, let's move this along," Shepard said glancing at Thane.
He gave her a slight smile and a nod encouraging her to lead the way.
"He's never going to take you seriously if you can't demand respect from your crew," Jane said.
"My crew respects me just fine. Joker gave you shit, too," Shepard thought.
"Yeah, in private discussions. You've turned this ship into a playground," Jane said.
"What is your problem?" Shepard thought.
"Thane is a serious person. So is Samara. Do you really expect them to be comfortable with the way you're running things around here?" Jane asked.
"I don't know, but I guess we'll find out," Shepard thought. "I need things to be a little less serious. It's the only way I'm not committing myself to a psych ward so lay off."
"You're standing in the CIC, clearly. That's Kelly Chambers over there; she'll likely want to talk to you at some point," Shepard said pointing at Kelly who waved enthusiastically in response.
Thane bowed at the waist and dipped his head to Kelly who blushed like a school girl and giggled. Shepard rolled her eyes and Garrus chuckled.
"Tech labs, that's where Mordin can usually be found, armory is Jacob's station. You can pass through either room to get to the comm room, that's where mission briefings will be held. EDI, why don't you introduce yourself?" Shepard said stopping next to EDI's access node by the elevator.
EDI's blue hologram popped up in front of Shepard.
"Welcome, Mr. Krios. I am EDI. That is short for Enhanced Defense Intelligence. You may access any of my nodes spread throughout the ship to gain information on any specific area. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and I will do my best to provide you with an answer. I have unlocked the door to the life support systems. Shepard has informed me that you would be the most comfortable in the drier air of the life support," EDI said.
"EDI, you didn't really need to tell him that," Shepard said.
"She's still shackled. She doesn't fully get the intricacies of private conversations," Jane said.
"She gets far more than what you think. Then what anyone thinks," Shepard thought.
"What makes you so sure?" Jane asked.
"Because I've actually been paying attention. Having actual conversations with her and treating her like a person. You didn't really do any of that until after her shackles were removed, and even then not really until she had a body," Shepard thought.
"My apologies, Shepard. You seemed –," EDI began to say.
"EDI! I will mute you," Shepard said.
"Of course, Shepard," EDI said.
"Ah, an AI. My thanks," Thane said to EDI.
"Of course, Mr. Krios," EDI said and the blue hologram disappeared.
Shepard hit the elevator call button a little harder than necessary.
"Yeah, OK, so I'll take you to the life support so you can settle in," Shepard said.
"The accommodation is appreciated," Thane said.
Shepard shrugged a shoulder as the elevator door opened. She stepped inside and turned around next to the console. Thane followed her inside with Garrus at his heel. Shepard was pleased to see that Thane was coolly accepting of Garrus' self-assigned guard duty for the time being. The doors closed as Kelly started gathering up Shepard's discarded armor.
"The top floor is occupied solely by the captain's cabin. The third floor is where we'll be going. The fourth is where engineering is located. A few people you will be working with on missions are also located on that floor. Jack is beneath engineering, Zaeed is in the in the starboard cargo, and Grunt is in the port cargo," Shepard said.
The elevator slid open and the three stepped out. Shepard turned to point past the elevators and said, "The med bay is just around this corner, our doctor's name is Dr. Karen Chakwas. Legion is in the AI core at the back of the med bay. Lia is usually either with him or with the doctor," Shepard said.
"She's been spending a lot of time with Kasumi lately as well," Garrus offered.
"I see, good to know. Miranda Lawson can be found around this corner. Mess is between the two, and the main battery is at the back past the hall with the cryo pods. Garrus and Grundan Krul are usually found there."
Shepard glanced at Garrus and he fluttered his mandibles.
"I'd better get back to my station, I'm sure hmmmm, things need calibrated," Garrus said walking away.
Shepard turned and led Thane to the life support door before stopping just outside to point down the hall.
"Kasumi Goto is in the port observation; Samara – we just picked her up on Illium today as well – she's in the starboard observation. Opposite life support, just over there are the crew quarters. Restroom is behind us," Shepard said.
Shepard touched the door release and when the doors slid open she gestured inwards toward the room. Thane didn't move so she glanced up at him. He watched her expectantly.
"Of course. You want me to enter first. Right," Shepard said.
"You know, I'm just saying that I know these people. I know how they think, what they find appealing and what they don't. I get that you've changed and aren't the same as us anymore but that doesn't mean that they have," Jane said sounding as irritated as Shepard felt with her.
"I'm allowed to have my own relationships with these people. Interact with them in my own way. I don't have to do things the way you did them. Hell, wasn't that the point?" Shepard thought.
"No, it wasn't the point! The point was for you to figure out why this is happening and stop it from continuing. Change what had to be changed to prevent it from happening again. The point was not for you to run amok making a mockery out of my life!" Jane said.
"This isn't your life! It's my life. Do you get it? My life. I'm not just some… distorted copy of you, Jane. I don't exist just so that you can carry on in this world relieving your moments of glory and failure. This is my life… and you're the interloper," Shepard thought.
Shepard came to an abrupt stop in the doorway as the argument grew heated with Jane. Thane waited patiently behind her until she realized she was standing there like an idiot. Shepard mumbled an apology and walked into the life support room. She was alone with her back turned to the assassin for the first time since she met him on the Citadel. A flurry of emotions bounced around in her skull; half hers and half Jane's. Shepard distracted herself by opening her omni-tool and scanned the room until she could calm herself. Thane passively watched her as she moved about the room digging out the few bugs that were tucked in crevices. He stood just past the narrow entryway, effectively blocking the exit.
Shepard set the handful of devices down on the table next to the observation window that looked out over the drive core. She glanced up at him as she began shutting down each of the small listening devices and setting them in a new pile.
"I'm sure you have questions," Shepard said looking back at the table.
"Indeed," Thane said.
His voice was right next to her and she hadn't heard him move. Shepard's muscles twitched, and she dropped the button-sized device. It clattered to the table, bouncing and rolling off onto the floor. Shepard watched as Thane crouched to retrieve the device. He stood back up, no more than two feet away from her holding the bug between thumb and forefinger. He twisted the bug around in his dexterous fingers, flipping it upside down and side to side before extending his hand to Shepard.
Shepard found her mouth had gone dry. She licked her lips and opened her palm. Thane placed the bug in her hand before clasping his behind his back once more. Shepard deactivated the device before setting it down and picking up the last one.
"Thanks," she said.
"Why have you decided to remove them?" Thane asked nodding towards the bugs.
"It wasn't my call to put them up," Shepard said shutting off the last one and setting it next to the others. "Cerberus put them in place before they put me on the ship. I've been removing them as I go. No one else has been in here since I've been aboard, and the door's remained locked. Wasn't a reason to sweep the room until now… you might want to check it again periodically."
"Of course," Thane said.
Shepard motioned at the chair Thane normally occupied in Jane's memories.
"If you want to sit down, I'll see what answers I can give you," Shepard said.
He didn't even look at the chair. He kept his penetrating, darkened eyes focused on hers.
"I would prefer to stand for now, if you don't mind," Thane said.
Shepard pursed her lips and asked, "Watching my pupils?"
"Yes," Thane said.
"What, not going to wrap your hands around my throat this time? I'm almost disappointed. I guess I'm not as scary as I thought," Shepard said.
"I can, if you would prefer. However, I would hate to give your turian friend a reason to decide he needs to… I believe his words were 'rip his throat out'," Thane said.
Heat started to rise up in Shepard's cheeks and she rubbed at the back of her neck.
"Yeah, this isn't going to be awkward at all," she muttered to herself.
The corner of Thane's mouth rose in a slight smirk.
"Gods… you find this amusing. Fantastic," Shepard said.
"Your attraction is… flattering, his response is amusing," Thane said.
"Ahhh… yeah… do we need to talk about that? Because I am totally fine with pretending it never happened," Shepard said.
"Of course not. I did not intend to make you uncomfortable," Thane said.
Shepard searched his eyes, her own narrowing.
"There, right around the corner of his eyes. Do you see it?" Jane asked; her anger eased.
"Yeah," Shepard thought.
"Mmmmmm… yeah you did," Shepard said. "That's OK, I get it. I acted pretty crazy following you on the Citadel and everything. You're still trying to understand my behavior and until you make sense out of it, you're not going to trust me. Until then, it works in your favor to keep me off balance… and I handed you the perfect tool to use."
"An astute observation," Thane said dipping his head. "I have learned a significant amount about you in the time since that day. I have found nothing that provides an adequate explanation."
Shepard turned her head to the observation window. The blue white energy spun and pulsed across the surface of the drive core emitting a faint hum that could be heard and even felt in the room. She crossed her arms and leaned her hip into the table before turning back to face him again.
"I gave you an explanation. In the simplest way that I could. The first person I ever told so easily… I guess I thought… never mind, it was my mistake," Shepard said.
Shepard's eyes stung with the threat of tears.
"What the fuck is wrong with me?" Shepard thought.
"What did you really expect?" Jane asked.
"I don't know… I obviously didn't think that whole thing through, now what the hell do I tell him?" Shepard thought.
"The truth? Seems like you're letting everyone in on it anyway," Jane said.
"Will he even believe it?" Shepard thought.
Shepard got the distinct impression that Jane had just shrugged. Shepard pushed her palms into her eyes, pushing back even the thought of tears. She turned her attention back to Thane and listened intently as he started to speak.
"Once a soul has gone to the sea, it rarely leaves Kalahira's realm. The teachings do speak of these things, on occasion. When there is great need, a great strife in the world, the soul of a warrior or a healer might be called upon to serve once more," Thane said quietly.
"Could it really be?" Jane asked.
"The soul is given to Arashu and placed into a new vessel, where it must grow and endure the hardships of the flesh once more. Forgetting who they once were and the life they lived before. Only knowing a longing to return to a home they cannot recall. Until the time has come and the soul has served the purpose it was called upon to serve. Only then will it return to the sea," Thane said.
"But we never forget… and we don't grow… I don't understand," Jane said.
Shepard wrapped an arm around herself and used it as an elbow-rest for her other arm. She traced a finger back and forth across her lip in thought as she considered Thane's words. Weighing them against Jane's experience – against her experience. They lacked that distinct ring of truth that she was hoping to find.
"The teachings do not say that they will live the same life as before, as you suggested that day," Thane said after a pregnant pause.
Disappointment flooded Shepard, and echoed back to her from Jane. Thane studied her as she went from caressing her lip to chewing on her fingernail. Finally, Shepard let her hand drop from her mouth and locked her eyes on Thane's, hoping he would see the truth in her eyes.
"I don't know what else to call it," Shepard said. "I was… I think I was hoping you could tell me."
That seemed to catch Thane by surprise. A look crossed his face that in all of Jane's memories Shepard had never seen there before. His brow shot up and his eyes bulged, his lower jaw dropping ever so slightly parting his lips and revealing the row of white teeth behind them. Shepard shook her head and raked her hands through her hair.
"I sound like an idiot. I should… I should go. Let you get settled in, meet the crew, whatever," Shepard said stepping around Thane.
She was halfway to the door when the drell recovered and turned towards her.
"Shepard…," Thane said.
She glanced back over her shoulder and muttered, "I'm sorry. I'll uh, I'll have EDI forward you the mission briefing. If you need anything, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to help. Or Kelly, she's uh, she's very helpful. I don't know. I… I should go."
Shepard rushed out of the life support to the elevator. She pushed the button on the elevator and ran her hands through her hair. The heat was staring to build back up behind her eyes. Jane's disappointment was egging Shepard's need to escape on.
"Come on," Shepard said under her breath. "Come on. Come on. Come on."
Shepard glanced back at the door to life support, silently begging Thane to not walk out of that room to come looking for her.
"Shepard? Shepard what's wrong?" Garrus said.
Shepard snapped her head around to see Garrus moving towards her from the other direction. She didn't see where he came from but she was glad he was there. A second later he was by her side, his hands gripping her shoulders as he looked her up and down searching for injuries and drinking in her scent.
"What happened? Did he do something? Did he attack you?" Garrus asked.
"What? Gods, Garrus. No. No, he didn't do anything. I'm the idiot who did this to myself," Shepard said.
The elevator door slid open and Shepard stepped inside; Garrus following her. Once the doors slid closed on them Shepard pushed the button for the top floor and pushed her palms into her eyes once more. Garrus frowned and pulled his mandibles in against his jaw before wrapping her in his arms.
"Talk to me," he said.
"Of course it isn't something so… so spiritual. I wanted to believe it too, when the thought first crossed your mind. It can't be though, this has to have something to do with the reapers… or something Cerberus did. Nothing else makes sense," Jane said.
Shepard shook her head and sighed. He pulled her in closer and she tucked her face down against his chest. The elevator door slid open and he led her to her cabin. Garrus walked her over to the couch and sat down before pulling her down next to him.
"Shepard, what happened?" Garrus asked again.
"I thought… oh gods, I'm so stupid. I don't know what I thought. I guess I… I hoped he might have some answers. Some clue, a lead I could follow," Shepard said as the tears she had been fighting started to trek down her cheeks.
"Answers to what?" Garrus asked.
"To what the hell I'm going through. Why all of this is happening to me," Shepard said.
"You mean Jane?" Garrus asked.
"Yeah," Shepard said.
"Why would he have answers?" Garrus asked.
"Because… I don't know. It's not like I believe in his religion or whatever, but I know that a lot of religions draw from pieces of the truth. Things that have actually happened," Shepard said starting to ramble with her frustration. "They get distorted over time, but I thought that maybe if there was something… a legend or something, that I could trace it back to its roots or something. Fuck. I don't know, Garrus. I'm foolish and desperate. He spent a lot of time talking about his goddesses with Jane."
Garrus put a hand on Shepard's head and guided it to his shoulder, stroking down her grown out hair with his gloved hand.
"Does it really matter why this is happening? If you found a reason for it, would it change anything?" Garrus asked.
"Of course it would," Jane said.
"I… I don't know. Maybe. Probably not, but it could. I just… she's so tired, Garrus. I want this to end for her sake as much as mine. I don't want to wake up again in someone else's body when this is all over," Shepard said.
"I know. Hmmm, you're doing your best to make sure that doesn't happen and I'm here with you. Whatever you need, Shepard. Alright? We'll figure this out together," Garrus said.
Shepard's tears slowly eased and she nodded her head.
"You've had a long day. Why don't you hop in the shower and I'll go get us something to snack on?" Garrus said.
"I need to talk to Samara. I told her I'd come by to talk more after I was finished with things on Illium," Shepard said.
"Samara is an ancient asari; I think she knows how to handle waiting. If you want, I'll stop by and let her know you're not feeling well," Garrus said.
"Yeah. OK. Tell her I promise I'll come see her first thing tomorrow," Shepard said.
"I'm on it. I'll be back in a few minutes," Garrus said.
"He loves you. So much more than he ever loved us. He gives so much more of himself to you," Jane said.
"It's just because we started sooner, had more time together," Shepard thought.
"No… it's because you give so much more of yourself to him than we ever did. You're right, you're not just a copy of me… you're… more real than I ever was," Jane said.
"What does that even mean?" Shepard thought but Jane didn't answer.
Shepard watched Garrus leave before taking off her clothes and throwing them in the laundry chute. She dug around in her chest and pulled out an N7 tank top and a pair of pajama bottoms before going into the bathroom. Shepard glanced in the mirror; her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She made a sound of disgust in her throat before peeling the bandages off her shoulder. The wound was closed, as she expected, but it was still tender and raw. Shepard turned on the shower, dreading the less than scalding hot water she would have to settle for at least for another day or two until her shoulder finished healing.
She stuck her hand under the stream, testing the temperature before stepping inside. Shepard did her best to push thoughts of Thane and Jane's plight from her mind as she washed away the day's residue of sweat and blood. She could hear Garrus moving around in her quarters when she turned the water off again. She gently patted the area around her wound with a fresh towel before drying the rest of herself off.
After running a brush through her hair and getting dressed, Shepard opened the bathroom door and padded across the floor barefoot to where Garrus sat on the couch. He looked up at her as she approached, the tension easing out of his face when he saw her smile. She sat down next to him and he pushed a plate with a slice of chocolate cake on it in front of her.
"So, who else are we picking up for this run?" Garrus asked.
"Just Tali, I think. If she still decides to come with us. I think she might drag Kal along with her, though. Who knows? Lia and Grundan Krul were both a surprise," Shepard said.
"I'm glad you agreed to bring Grundan Krul with us," Garrus said.
"Why's that? I mean, obviously he's a friend of yours but I doubt that's the only reason," Shepard said.
"He doesn't have anything else. He needed this, to give him purpose," Garrus said.
"What happened to him? How'd he end up with you really?" Shepard asked.
Garrus shook his head and said, "It's not my story to tell, Shepard."
"Fair enough," Shepard said.
"He likes you. Maybe he'll decide to tell you himself someday," Garrus said.
"How can you tell? He doesn't say much and I'm pretty sure he's made it his personal goal to avoid making facial expressions around me as much as possible," Shepard said.
Garrus chuckled and said, "The same way I know far more about you and everyone else on this crew than I want to know half the time. I can smell it on him, his approval. I can hear it in the tone of his voice. His expressions are there, you just have to really look for them."
"What about the others? Do you wish any of the others had come?" Shepard asked.
"I still keep in touch with them but no, they aren't cut out for life on a ship and honestly I think it was time they moved on. They got what they needed working with 'Archangel' and were ready for something else in life," Garrus said.
"So, I'm curious… did you ever meet Sidonis?" Shepard asked.
"I did," Garrus said.
"Well? How'd that go?" Shepard asked.
"I shot him," Garrus said.
Shepard paused with her fork halfway to her mouth and asked, "What happened?"
"I saw a turian being beaten half to death by a krogan. Part of the Blood Pack. I fired at the krogan drawing his attention and giving the turian a chance to collect himself. Once he was back on his feet he helped me take the krogan down," Garrus said glancing at her. "When he introduced himself as Lantar Sidonis I shot him in the face."
"Gods…," Jane said.
Shepard stopped chewing, her eyes blinked rapidly before she recovered. She picked up the glass of water Garrus brought with him and washed the cake in her mouth down her throat. She carefully set the glass back on the table.
"You just shot him? I mean, he hadn't even done anything yet?" Shepard said.
Garrus' mandibles pulled in tight against his face. It seemed like they spent a lot of time there these days, Shepard thought.
"I just shot him," Garrus said simply.
"Damn," Shepard said.
"It didn't matter that he hadn't done it yet, Shepard. I knew what he would do given the chance. Sure, I could have just walked away and never spoken to him again but that wouldn't have been a guarantee," Garrus said. "The only guarantee was to kill him. It took two seconds to realize that and one more to pull the trigger. I wasn't… I wasn't in a good place, Shepard. I'd just been through hell getting your body back from the Shadow Broker's thugs and turning you over to Cerberus. I wasn't really feeling much like showing mercy to someone I knew would betray me given half a chance."
"He was forced into the betrayal. You told Garrus that," Jane said.
"I know," Shepard thought. "It doesn't matter now. Hearing it again won't bring Sidonis back to life, and it isn't going to make Garrus feel any differently."
"OK. I get it," Shepard said.
"You do?" Garrus asked.
"Yeah. I mean, I might have done the same considering the circumstances," Shepard said.
"No, you wouldn't have," Garrus said quietly.
Shepard let it drop and they finished eating in silence. Garrus left to take their dishes back down to the mess while she brushed her teeth. When he returned she was sitting on the edge of her bed starring off into space lost in thought. She smiled when he walked over and sat down next to her, running a hand along her spine.
"You're sure you're OK?" Garrus asked.
"Yeah, I'm just tired," Shepard said.
Garrus reached over and pulled the covers back. Shepard stood up and got undressed, folding the tank top and pajama bottoms and setting them on the bedside table before crawling under the blankets.
"Do you want me to stay?" he asked.
"Please," she said.
Garrus stripped out of his armor and clothes before sliding in next to her. At Shepard's request, EDI turned the lights in the cabin off leaving nothing but the soft glow from the newly emptied fish tank to light the room. Within minutes Shepard was asleep in Garrus' arms.
The next morning Shepard dressed and made her way down to the mess hall to grab a cup of coffee on her way to see Samara. She moved around the counter in the mess hall to get a mug and poured herself a cup from the pot behind the counter. She raised the mug to her lips and took a sip.
"Ugh, this is crap," Shepard muttered.
"Really? I thought it was pretty good," Kasumi said dropping her Tactical Cloak next to Shepard.
Shepard handed the mug to Kasumi and said, "Damn it, Kasumi. One of these days you're going to do that and end up with a face full of hot coffee."
Kasumi giggled and took the mug from Shepard bringing it to her lips.
"Nah, I can usually tell when someone is that on edge. Besides, how else am I supposed to keep up my skills on this ship?" Kasumi asked.
"Point. Hmmmm, oh I know! You should practice by stealing things from Joker. I task you with bringing me his hat, from his head, and not getting caught in the process," Shepard said.
"That's going to go over well," Jane said, her voice heavy with sarcasm.
"He's a big boy, he can take it," Shepard thought.
"Really?! Oh, Shepard, you really know how to make a girl's day," Kasumi said taking a sip from the mug. "Challenge accepted."
Kasumi set down the mug and disappeared from sight. Shepard chuckled and shook her head. She turned to leave and almost walked into Grundan Krul.
"Oh!" Shepard said pulling herself up short before she smashed into the batarian and the cup of coffee he held in his hand.
"Morning," Shepard said.
"Good morning," Grundan Krul said.
He handed her the mug and Shepard grinned. She brought it up to her nose to inhale the rich scent before taking a sip.
"Mmmm. You're the best. Have you tasted that crap over there?" Shepard asked.
"No, I prefer to make my own," he said.
"Wise man," Shepard said patting him on the shoulder as she moved past. "Good man. I've got to go talk to Samara. Thanks for the coffee. You're a life saver."
A small smile flickered across his face, tugging at the corners of his eyes. Shepard rewarded him with a smile of her own and a wink before she turned away, bringing the mug back to her lips. Shepard tapped on the metal door of the starboard observation before hitting the door's release. Samara was sitting with her legs folded in the middle of the floor. Biotic energy swirled around the Justicar and formed a floating orb between her palms as she lost herself in her meditation.
Shepard waited to the side sipping her coffee until the energy faded and Samara turned her head to look at Shepard. She smiled at the Justicar and moved to sit on the floor beside her. Shepard looked out at the stars, something she once found calming and relaxing but in the moment pulled at her heart with a deep and profound sadness. Shepard liked sitting with Samara, she was one of the few people who accepted silence without feeling a need to fill it with empty words. Still, she had come to talk so once her mug was empty Shepard turned her attention back to the Justicar.
"Sorry I didn't make it by last night," Shepard said.
"There is no need to apologize. Garrus informed me you were not feeling well," Samara said. "I hope you are well today."
"Mmmm. I'm not sick or anything. I was just having… an emotional moment, I guess. I was having a bit of trouble pulling it together, but I'm fine now. A new day, a new perspective," Shepard said.
"That is good to hear, Shepard," Samara said.
"How about you, Samara? How are you?" Shepard asked.
"I am well. I find this room quite pleasing now that we have left the docks of Illium," Samara said.
"It does have quite the view. I use to love looking out at the stars. I'd spend hours in the cockpit with Joker just so I could stare out the windows," Shepard said.
"You have lost your admiration for the stars?" Samara asked.
"They just make me feel a little sad now," Shepard said. "Hey, can I ask you something? About asari culture?"
"If you desire; I will share with you what I can," Samara said.
Shepard shifted on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and crossing her ankles. She draped her arms across her knees and watched Samara.
"Do the asari believe in reincarnation?" Shepard asked.
"Dawn, let it go. This isn't the answer," Jane said.
"We are a diverse culture with varying beliefs. It is common for asari to follow a path called Siari. It means 'all is one'. It is believed that we exist as mortal vessels filled with an eternal, spiritual energy," Samara said. "When we die, our spiritual energy returns to the universal consciousness until it is needed to fill a new vessel. I do not know if this matches the human concepts of reincarnation."
"Does your energy… stay separate? Do you… stay you?" Shepard asked.
Samara turned her head to study Shepard before she spoke again.
"No more than once a drop of rain has joined with a pond can it be removed and remain the same drop," Samara said.
"Oh," Shepard said with a sigh.
She turned to look back out at the stars and rested her chin on her arms. Samara let her sit like that in silence for several long minutes before speaking again.
"Forgive me if it is not my place to say, but you seem troubled by this, Shepard," Samara said.
Shepard chuckled lightly and looked back at the Justicar.
"I'll be alright. I think I'm just having a bit of an existential crisis," Shepard said. "I keep thinking that I'll find someone who has the answers for me."
"If I may, what do the humans believe about reincarnation?" Samara asked.
"There are too many different human views to count, and they seem to change all the time," Shepard mused. "Some have believed that we have an eternal soul, a unique entity that lives through many lives. Some people claim to be able to remember these past lives. Being different people at different points in history. Others talk about moving through different species of animals as well as humans. Some think that the experiences we have in this life are either a reward or a punishment for the things we did in a past life."
"These are not the answers that you seek?" Samara asked.
"Not exactly," Shepard said. "What about you, what do you believe?"
"I believe in the Code. That is all I need," Samara said.
"The Code doesn't talk about what happens when you die?" Shepard asked.
"It does not exist to bring about spiritual enlightenment. The Code guides me in the ways of the Justicar in this life, defending what is just and bringing to a swift end what is not. What happens after death is not relevant because it is neither just nor unjust, and neither can it be brought to justice by the Code," Samara said.
Shepard started to ask the Justicar why then would she tell the merc she killed on Illium to find peace in the embrace of the goddess but reconsidered. She didn't want to risk challenging Samara's beliefs, or force the woman to examine her own beliefs any more closely than she was comfortable with. Perhaps the words were nothing more than a phrase, carried over from the life she left behind when she swore her oaths. Shepard looked back out of the observation window and the two women sat in contended silence.
After some time, Shepard begrudgingly rose to her feet and collected her empty mug. Samara looked up at her with a peaceful smile.
"If you need anything, or have any questions feel free to come find me. Or you can just ask EDI to let me know you'd like to talk," Shepard said.
"Thank you, Shepard. It is nice to have the opportunity to speak with a colleague after spending much of the last four-hundred years alone. I am pleased to find one who is also as comfortable with the silence as I," Samara said. "If you find that the stars become comforting once more, I welcome you to sit and watch them with me."
Shepard smiled and said, "I may take you up on that, thank you."
Samara nodded and Shepard left the starboard observation. She hesitated outside of the door to life support before moving on to the mess and finding Grundan Krul and his wonderful coffee absent, handed the empty mug over to Gardner. She headed back to the elevator and took it up to the CIC to visit the tech labs.
Kelley stopped her on her way past and presented her with a datapad cataloging the different species of snakes that Shepard could order to have delivered to the Citadel. Shepard looked at the datapad while she walked, using her finger to flip through the screens. She glanced up long enough to see that the doors were sliding open before before turning her attention back to the catalog as she walked in to the labs. Halfway into the room, Shepard looked up to see where Mordin was and dropped the datapad in surprise. Mordin wasn't alone; Thane was standing in front of Mordin, his torso bare as Mordin scanned his chest and performed an examination.
"Crap!" Shepard said as the datapad clattered to the floor.
She stooped to pick the datapad up and turned it over in her hands to see it wasn't broken. She glanced back at the two men and heat flushed her face. She averted her eyes, scolding herself for doing so. If it were one of the others she wouldn't bother but it just wasn't possible for her to look at Thane's bare chest objectively. Not when the sight brought a flood of intimate memories to her consciousness.
"Ah, sorry. I'll, uh, I'll come back," Shepard said turning back to the door.
"No need. Finished here," Mordin said.
"Right, uh," Shepard said as she turned back around.
She tried to focus on Mordin but her eyes kept sliding of their own accord to Thane's bare chest as he casually – and she was pretty sure far more slowly than strictly necessary – began to put his vest back on.
"Shepard?" Mordin said.
"What?" Shepard said dragging her eyes back to him.
"Need to show me something?" Mordin said pointing at the datapad.
"Huh? Oh, um, no. This is just a catalog... Uh," Shepard said before clearing her throat and moving to stand at the edge of Mordin's table. "Is everything alright? He OK for duty?"
"Yes. Exercise good for Kepral's Syndrome. Helps circulate oxygen. Wanted baseline to monitor progression of disease, required scan and examination of the chest to see if expanding properly with inhalation," Mordin said.
"Oh, good," Shepard said her eyes moving back to Thane.
"He's very persistent," Thane said, pushing his arm through the sleeve of his jacket.
"He is, he's also not nearly as harmless as he looks," Shepard said.
She lifted her yes to Thane's face and found him watching her watch him. Thane tugged at the jacket before sliding his hands down the leather and bringing them to rest behind his back. A slight smile lifted the corners of his mouth. Indecent thoughts flooded Shepard's mind.
"Jane, for the love of gods, get yourself under control," Shepard thought.
"I'm trying. It's not just me in here, you know," Jane said.
"I will keep that in mind," Thane said.
Shepard laid the datapad down on the table and turned her attention to Mordin.
"I just wanted to come by to talk about our conversation yesterday, but we can continue that later. I'll have you set up in a room to watch those videos on the Citadel if you still want to see them. I'd rather not have them played on the ship," Shepard said.
"Understandable, nature of videos sensitive. Will be happy to watch on Citadel," Mordin said reaching over and picking up Shepard's datapad.
"Shopping for snakes?" Mordin asked.
"Yeah… Fish don't tend to last very long around me and I'm tired of looking at an empty aquarium. Snakes are a little bit harder to kill, they don't need to eat as frequently," Shepard said.
Mordin began flipping through the catalog listing off the scientific names for each species. Shepard looked back at Thane to see he was still watching her.
"So, do you have anything yet on the collector?" Shepard asked turning back to Mordin.
Mordin continued to list off the species as he moved to the desk behind the table. A moment later he returned, walking around the table to stand next to Shepard. He sat the datapad down and reached into the pocket of his lab coat. Realization suddenly hit Shepard and she started to back away from the salarian.
"Mordin… no," Shepard said.
Mordin pulled a syringe from his pocket and pulled the cap off. Shepard maneuvered around to the short side of the lab table.
"No, no, no. No don't let him do it. He'll cut us open again," Jane said; her panic seeping into Shepard's system.
"Mordin… put it away. This is not acceptable. I didn't even ask if it could get out of the tank!" Shepard screeched. "Gods damn it, Mordin! I will knock your ass out if I have to."
"Last warning. Next time will not see it coming," Mordin said putting the cap back on the syringe and sliding it into his pocket.
"I hate you," Shepard said.
"Both know that's not true," Mordin said.
"Yeah, well, still makes me feel better to say it sometimes," Shepard said crossing her arms.
Mordin resumed looking through the catalog, humming contently to himself. Shepard's flickered to Thane who had calmly watched the encounter without comment.
"You could have helped," Shepard muttered.
"You were not in danger," Thane said.
"He was going to tranquilize me," Shepard said.
"He was taunting you, and you proved it effective," Thane said.
"Already knew effectiveness. Far more predictable than she realizes," Mordin said handing the datapad back to Shepard. "This one. Native to Tuchanka. Will survive even you."
"Only because the last time you did that you cut open my skull," Shepard grumbled taking the datapad.
"Was necessary. Should look at incision site," Mordin said.
Shepard frowned and pulled her hair up with one hand, letting Mordin examine the scar while she looked over the fact sheet on the snake. Jane shifted around restlessly, not wanting Mordin behind Shepard after he just threatened to tranquilize her. The datapad showed an image of a burnt sienna toned snake with a wide, thick head. The snake was covered from head to tail in what looked like spikes. The catalog said it was called a thorned serpent and indeed was native to Tuchanka. Although not venomous, the thorned serpent apparently had stronger jaws than most other snakes and was able to easily crush the skulls of its pray or snap its neck when it struck, depending on what it was attacking. The thorns were formed from flexible cartilage and served both to aid in the regulation of body temperature and to deter potential predators.
Shepard scrolled down the page; apparently it wasn't a picky eater. It preferred live prey but would just as easily accept pre-killed prey and could even survive several months without eating if necessary by placing itself into a state similar to the brumation that snakes from Earth were prone to enter in the colder months. It was able to store extra fat and water in its tail, allowing it to go without water for a prolonged period of time when strictly necessary as well. As with all things that lived on Tuchanka, it was well equipped to survive in harsh living conditions.
"Healed nicely. Any pain?" Mordin asked.
"No, it's fine. Still itches a little with the hair growing back," Shepard said.
"May I?" Thane asked.
Shepard looked up to see him gesturing at the datapad and passed it over to him.
"Seriously, Mordin. Tell me you are at least making progress and that having this thing on my ship is giving you the chance to come up with something better than a simple cloaking vaccine," Shepard said.
Shepard let her hair drop as Mordin moved away and back around to the other side of the table.
"Cloaking vaccine? Interesting idea. Swarms able to detect human presence through the release of chemical compounds and electromagnetic field unique to humans," Mordin said.
Shepard cut him off before he went too far down that road and said, "Yes, it's what you've done before but it's not effective against larger swarms. We need something better this time, Mordin."
Mordin stared at Shepard before looking at the drell standing next to her.
"What?" Shepard asked following his gaze to Thane.
"Oh, right. He knows a little. Enough to think that I'm as crazy as you do," Shepard said.
"Don't think you're crazy, Shepard. Told you, wouldn't be a good scientist if not skeptical. Require evidence," Mordin said.
Shepard gave him a half smile and said, "Yeah. Thanks Mordin. Anyway, we need something better, OK? Something that can stand up to us being surrounded completely and it needs to cover all of us, not just humans. Once we cross through that Omega 4 relay, they're not going to care who is human and who isn't."
"Yes. Making progress. Will have it ready when time," Mordin said.
"Why is he being so secretive? I don't like this," Jane said.
Shepard sighed and said, "Alright. I don't know why you don't just tell me but whatever. I don't care. So long as you get the job done. I'll leave you to it."
Shepard started towards the door and paused, turning around she held her hand out for the datapad Thane still held. He handed it to her and as she started walking again he fell in step beside her. Shepard glanced at him but he kept his gaze ahead. Shepard stopped at the galaxy map to check the ETA. They were still nearly 12 hours out from the Citadel so she had plenty of time to catch up with things on the ship.
Shepard turned around and saw Thane standing behind her, his hands tucked behind his back as he watched her with patience. Shepard stepped down away from the map and got Kelly's attention. She showed Kelly the datapad and gave her the greenlight to order the thorned serpent and anything that she would need to care for it and have it delivered to the Citadel. Kelly assured Shepard that if she planned to be on the Citadel for a few hours the store received regular shipments and could have it ready for her before they left the Citadel again.
Thane was still standing there watching her when she turned back around.
"Did you need something?" Shepard asked taking a couple of steps towards him.
"I would like to continue our conversation. I can wait until you are ready," Thane said.
"And by wait… you mean follow me around the ship until I give you answers," Shepard said.
"Indeed," Thane said.
"And if you don't like the answers?" Shepard asked.
"I have not decided," Thane said.
"Alright, let's get this over with," Shepard said gesturing to the elevator.
Thane stepped aside while Shepard called the elevator up and then followed her inside. When they arrived at life support, he gestured for her to enter first. Shepard made her way inside and leaned her back against the observation window. Thane came to a stop three feet away from her and waited patiently while she collected her thoughts.
"I'm not sure how to start. I've told some of the others but with you it's different," Shepard said.
"In what way?" Thane asked.
"Well, to start, you haven't spent time around me. You haven't… seen the things I've let the others see. I complicated things by approaching you on the Citadel… and I think that you might be the easiest to convince, yet also the most dangerous to try to convince," Shepard said.
"Convince of what, exactly? That you believe yourself to be reincarnated somehow and that is why you know things that you ought not to know?" Thane asked.
"Yes," Shepard said shrugging her shoulders.
"You've convinced others of this?" Thane asked.
"I have," Shepard said.
"Yet Mordin is unconvinced," Thane said.
"I just gave him the details yesterday," Shepard said.
"Why do you believe I would be easier to convince?" Thane asked.
"Two reasons. You're a drell with that unique ability to recall everything in detail, and you've gone to great lengths to keep your life secret," Shepard said.
"I see," Thane said.
"So… how do you want it? Long and drawn out or the quick kill?" Shepard asked.
Thane raised his brow.
"Right, of course. Assassin. Quick kill it is. Alright, I'll take this leap of faith if you'll agree to one thing before I begin?" Shepard said.
"I'm listening," Thane said.
"If you feel you must kill me, let me finish first," Shepard said.
"Gods. Why don't you just give him permission?!" Jane asked.
"Very well," Thane said.
"You're not going to like this," Shepard said.
"I will manage," Thane said.
"Alright, first the story, then the proof," Shepard said. "From the day I first set foot on the Normandy – the one that the collectors destroyed – in 2183 until the day I die on the Citadel fighting the reapers in 2186, I have lived through this all before," Shepard said. "The first was a woman named Jane Shepard, she lived through it all and died in 2186 only to wake up in someone else's body back in 2183. That Shepard lived through it all and died in 2186 only to wake up with the first in a third Shepard's body back in 2183. It just keeps happening, countless times. I don't know why. They don't know why. I am the first to become aware of the others. I'm doing what I can to change events in the hopes that I will be the last."
Shepard watched as Thane blinked his inner lids. She could see the exasperation in his eyes.
"And your proof?" Thane finally asked, humoring her.
"Don't do this, Dawn. Not like this," Jane said.
"Laser dot trembles on the skull. One finger twitch, he dies. Then the smell of spice on the spring wind," Shepard said.
Thane's lips formed a tight line as he held up a hand and said, "Enough."
"Sunset colored eyes, defiant in the scope. The laser dances away," Shepard said.
Thane slammed his fist into the observation window next to Shepard's head and with a raised voice said, "Enough!"
Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath before opening her eyes again. His face was so close to hers and his eyes looked so full of pain and rage. She wasn't done yet, she needed him to believe. Irrevocably believe.
"No, that's enough. You made your point and by some miracle you're still alive. Leave it alone!" Jane said.
"Her name was Irikah. She was your wife, and the mother of your son, Kolyat. She was killed by men seeking to hurt you. You found them and you killed them, letting them linger in their suffering. No quick kill…," Shepard let her words trail off when Thane's other hand moved to her throat, finger tips and thumb resting just below her jaw bones.
Shepard could feel her heart slamming into her chest and knew that he could feel it, too. This was far more dangerous than even following him on the Citadel. A huge gambit that might very well cost her life. He might even be able to kill her and escape in a shuttle or an emergency evac pod before anyone even found her body. Thane's eyes bore into hers. It hurt her to see the raw emotions behind the blackened haze that covered the drell's eyes but for the first time she felt afraid of what he might do. She knew she wouldn't stand a chance in hand to hand combat with the assassin, but she could stay alive long enough to call for backup. Probably not long enough for that backup to arrive.
"Oh gods, just be still. Shut up and stay still," Jane said.
Shepard closed her eyes and whispered, "I'm sorry."
Thane's hand slid away from her throat and she opened her eyes again. He retreated from Shepard and moved to stand behind the table across from her.
"You should go. You are not safe here with me in this moment. I apologize. You have given me much to consider," Thane said.
Shepard pushed away from the window and walked out of Thane's room forcing herself to not look back. She took the elevator up to her cabin and settled in at her desk. Leaning her elbows forward, she pushed her hair back and rested her forehead on her hands. She took a few deep breaths and then opened her laptop.
Shepard skimmed through her messages. More reminders from Cerberus of things they wanted her to look into. A message from Tali saying that her father had been exiled. A message from James saying that the vast majority of the civilian survivors had decided to leave Fehl Prime. The message she had missed from Mordin telling her that his tests indicate that the collectors were a genetic mutation of the protheans. Several messages from people she had helped in the past thanking her for her help. Shepard stopped when she saw the name Tela Vasir.
Shepard: My name is Tela Vasir. I'm a Spectre covertly stationed on Illium. I heard that you were just here. It is a shame I missed you. If you plan to return soon, let me know, I could use your help on something.
"That's got to be a trap," Jane said.
"EDI, could you ask Garrus and Grundan Krul to come to my cabin, please?" Shepard said.
"Right away, Shepard," EDI said.
A moment later she said, "They are on their way."
"Thanks, EDI," Shepard said.
Shepard sat back in the chair and ran a finger back and forth across her lip as she stared at the message on her screen. A few minutes later her cabin door opened and she looked up to see Garrus enter with Grundan Krul behind him. Garrus zeroed in on Shepard's location and moved towards the desk. There was a hitch in his step and he took a sniff of the air. Shepard knew he was picking out Thane's lingering scent on her but he didn't seem to be concerned as he stopped in front of her.
"What's up?" Garrus asked.
Grundan Krul stood next to Garrus as Shepard pointed at her computer screen. Garrus read the message over her shoulder.
"OK? What am I missing?" Garrus asked.
"She's an agent of the Shadow Broker," Shepard said.
Grundan Krul moved a little closer to see the computer screen.
"You're sure?" Garrus asked.
"Positive. There's one other that might be on Illium that I know of, another asari named Nyxeris," Shepard said.
"He's still after you, then," Garrus said.
"That would seem to be the likely explanation," Shepard said.
"I'll see what I can find out," Grundan Krul said opening his omni-tool and running his fingers over screen.
"Garrus, when you were working to get me back from them, were you working alone?" Shepard asked.
"There wasn't anyone else I could trust, aside from the Normandy crew and I didn't want to involve any of them in that," Garrus said.
"Grundan Krul, see what you can find me on a drell named Feron as well. I don't have a last name but he has associations with the Broker as well and could be a potential ally," Shepard said.
"What about Barla Von, the volus on the Citadel?" Garrus asked.
"I doubt he has any information on this but I suppose we could look into him, too," Shepard said.
"What are you thinking?" Garrus asked.
"I'm thinking we're going to go pay the Shadow Broker a visit. It's time he's been replaced," Shepard said.
"This won't work without Liara," Jane said.
"You know where the Shadow Broker is?" Grundan Krul asked.
"I do," Shepard said spinning her chair around to look up at the batarian with a grin.
"Do you have someone in mind?" Garrus asked.
"Maybe, we'll have to see if we can find Feron and where he stands," Shepard said.
"Feron? He helped Liara but she ran the show, you know that. He can't handle it on his own. You don't even know if you can trust him without Liara being a part of this," Jane said.
"We won't know unless we find him," Shepard thought.
"You want to use an agent to replace the Broker?" Garrus asked.
"He's a distinct possibility," Shepard said.
"What is it with you and drell?" Garrus asked.
"Hush," Shepard said.
Shepard spent three hours replying to messages and talking back and forth with a distraught Tali once Garrus and Grundan Krul left her cabin. Tali was devastated by her father's actions, but more devastated that he had been exiled. She didn't know where he was going to, or how he would manage with the meager supplies and pathetic excuse for a ship that Admiralty Board had allowed him. Shepard offered to help Tali's father, take him somewhere or bring him more supplies but her father had adamantly refused insisting that this was his responsibility and his consequences to accept.
The Admiralty Board had given Rael'Zorah one day to gather his belongings and say goodbye to his friends and daughter. Tali wanted to leave the Migrant Fleet, at least for a while when her father was sent away but Rael made her promise that she would stay until things settled down. He told her that the quarians needed to see her standing with the Migrant Fleet and aiding them in whatever way they demanded of her. They needed to live by her side and come to accept her again so that she was not forever branded with his disgrace. Shepard wondered if Tali agreed to stay because she saw the truth in what her father said, or if she stayed because she was trying to make up for being the one to report him. She told Tali that no matter what, Shepard had her back and would do whatever she could to help her all she had to do was ask.
Shepard had finally convinced Tali that everything would be alright and to enjoy her last day with her father knowing that he was alive and she would see him again someday. She closed her laptop lid and stood up from the desk. Shepard stretched her arms out over her head before rolling her neck. She hated sitting still for so long, she needed to move around and do something else for a while and her stomach was growling.
Shepard made her way down to the mess hall and found that for once she was thinking about food the same time as everyone else was. Only then did it occur to her that her breakfast had consisted solely of coffee. She reasoned that after eating a slice of cake before bed the night before, it was justified to skip one meal. No sooner than Shepard sat down at one of the tables did she feel something being slid down on her head. She pulled the hat off of her head and looked it over with a satisfied grin as Kasumi sat down next to her.
"Good work, I think you deserve a raise," Shepard said putting Joker's hat back on her head.
"Shep, you don't pay us anything," Kasumi said.
"I said you deserve a raise. I didn't say I was giving you one," Shepard said. "So, did he lose his shit?"
"I don't know," Kasumi said with a shrug. "He hadn't even noticed yet by the time I was out of the cockpit."
"I bet he's pissed," Shepard said with a chuckle.
"I can't believe EDI didn't say anything," Kasumi said.
"That is because I was aware of the parameters of the task Shepard gave you. I was also curious to see how he would respond," EDI said.
"And what did you learn, EDI?" Shepard asked.
"It took Mr. Moreau thirteen minutes and twenty-two seconds to realize his hat was missing. He spent four minutes and twelve seconds looking for it in the cockpit and another thirty-two seconds trying to convince me to tell him where his hat was," EDI said. "When I failed to supply him with the information he requested, he muted my access node for twenty minutes before concluding that he must have left it in the restroom. When he failed to find it in the restroom, he spent another two minutes looking over the cockpit again. He finally came to the partially correct conclusion that you had taken his hat."
"I'm almost insulted. He does know who I am, doesn't he?" Kasumi asked.
"Mr. Moreau knows who everyone is aboard the Normandy," EDI said.
Shepard laughed and asked, "What's he doing now, EDI?"
"I believe you have referred to this particular display of body language as 'pouting'," EDI said.
"Aww," Kasumi said. "Maybe we should give it back?"
"Gods Kasumi, what kind of thief are you?" Shepard teased.
"Uh!" Kasumi said.
"I'm kidding. I'll give it back to him when I'm done eating," Shepard said.
"Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find out what Miranda hides in her underwear draw," Kasumi said activating her Tactical Cloak.
"If you get caught, you're fired," Shepard said.
"Shep, come on. I don't get caught," Kasumi said.
Grunt walked over to Shepard's table and let his overflowing tray drop down on the metal surface across from her. Shepard glanced up when she was splattered with stew.
"Grunt? Everything OK?" Shepard asked.
Grunt looked at one of the Cerberus crew sitting at the other end of the table and the man hurried away, abandoning his half eaten meal. Grunt sat down and stared at Shepard.
"Why are we going to the Citadel? Zaeed said you're not taking us there to fight anything," Grunt said. "I want to go someplace where there's people to kill, Shepard."
"He needs to go to Tuchanka soon," Jane said.
"It's starting to get to you, isn't?" Shepard asked.
"What is?" Grunt asked.
"Feeling more irritable? Like you want to rip things apart even more so than usual?" Shepard asked.
"Yeah," Grunt said after a thoughtful moment. "Is that bad?"
"No, it's normal for krogan when they reach a certain age. Well, age isn't the best word in your case, but you know, physical maturity level. It just means that it's time we take you to Tuchanka," Shepard said.
"Tuchanka. Okeer's teachings were full of pride over the krogan home world but he didn't teach me about this. What does this have to do with Tuchanka?" Grunt asked.
"Krogan go through certain rites at different points in their lives. Urdnot Wrex, he traveled with me, helped me to fight the geth heretics and Saren, he can tell you everything you need to know and you can undertake the Rite of Passage," Shepard said.
"Will I get to kill something on Tuchanka?" Grunt asked.
"You will," Shepard promised.
"Then what are we waiting for?" Grunt asked.
"There are a lot of things that we need to do, Grunt, but we'll go there as soon as we can. I promise," Shepard said.
"I don't want your promises, Shepard. Just get me there," Grunt said.
"I will, Grunt," Shepard said.
Shepard finished her lunch and took her tray back to Gardner before heading up to the cockpit. She plopped down in the co-pilot's chair and chuckled when Joker reached across to swipe the hat from her head.
"Now it's going to smell like you," Joker said.
"I smelled that thing. There's no way it's ever going to smell like anything other than your funk. I'm going to have to wash my hair twice before Garrus will want to come near me again," Shepard said.
Joker sniffed at the hat and shrugged before pulling it down over his head.
"Serves you right. Kasumi?" Joker asked.
"Maybe," Shepard said.
"How'd you convince EDI to keep quiet?" Joker asked.
"Didn't have to," Shepard said. "She was happy to watch you scrambling around looking for it."
"Of course she was. I swear if it weren't for all those damn blocks, EDI would suck all the air out of the cockpit just to watch me suffocate," Joker said.
"I would not do something to bring you harm, Mr. Moreau," EDI said.
"Yeah… so you'd do it just long enough to make me pass out before turning the air back on," Joker said.
"Joker… you can trust EDI," Shepard said.
"Thank you, Shepard," EDI said.
"Ha!" Joker said.
"Joker," Shepard said and waited for him to look at her before continuing. "Trust EDI."
Joker raised an eyebrow and Shepard raised both of hers in response.
"Alright. If you say so," Joker said.
"I do," Shepard said. "You should consider getting off the ship for a little bit when we get to the Citadel. Even if it's just to walk around the dock."
"This again? Really?" Joker asked.
"Yep," Shepard said with an emphatic pop.
"You know you're not my mother, right? And last I checked you're not a doctor… so unless you're making that an order…," Joker said.
"Not an order, Joker. Just a request," Shepard said.
"Fine, I'll think about it," Joker said.
Shepard got up to leave and patted Joker on the shoulder. She was halfway out of the cockpit when Joker spoke to her again.
"Hey, Commander… you're not really still upset about that elevator thing, right?" Joker asked.
Shepard chuckled and said, "Nah, I was over that ten minutes after it happened."
"Oh," Joker said.
Shepard moved back to stand next to the co-pilot's chair where she could look at him easier.
"Why? Did you think I was mad?" Shepard asked.
"Well, you just don't come up here to sit the way you use to," Joker said.
"Ah… well, that's not about you," Shepard said rubbing her neck.
"Then what's it about?" Joker asked.
Shepard said, "It's uh… this is going to sound stupid."
"Since when has that stopped you?" Joker asked.
"Alright you ass. It's uh, well, the stars make me feel something… different now," Shepard said.
"The remind us that we lost to those stars," Jane said.
"Yeah… loss. I feel loss. I don't like it," Shepard said.
Joker turned his head and looked at Shepard with a blank face before he reached over and pushed a button on his console. The observation shutters closed, blocking out the view of the stars. A light smile crossed Shepard's mouth as she wordlessly sank back down into the co-pilot's chair.
"That about Lira and Ashley?" Joker asked. "Because if you want to… talk about it… or whatever it is I'm supposed to say here."
"It is. Dr. Tulina, too. And I don't," Shepard said.
"Thank God," Joker said. "I mean, you know what I mean. I'm just not good at that kind of thing."
Shepard snorted and said, "Yeah. Thanks for being willing, though."
"Yeah," Joker said.
"They're all so different with you," Jane said.
Shepard let herself relax back in the chair and sat in silence, watching Joker work his magic with the ship's controls. Shepard lost track of time, sitting there until her muscles started to remind her that she had already spent too long sitting around before standing up and stretching. She put her hand down on Joker's shoulder before shifting forward to wrap her arms around his shoulders in something resembling a hug. She gave him a gentle squeeze and let go. He turned his head to look up at her with a furrowed brow.
"God you're weird sometimes," he said.
"Accepting affection from time to time won't hurt you, Joker," Shepard said.
"Clearly you've never heard of sexually transmitted disease," Joker said.
Shepard snorted and said, "Really though, Joker. You're important to me and I care about you. And you care about me, too. Even if you won't say it."
"Yeah, well… don't go spreading that around the ship. I've got a reputation to uphold," Joker said. "Can't have people coming in here trying to make nice thinking I give a damn."
"Your secret's safe with me," Shepard said.
Shepard left the cockpit and made her way to the elevator where she hesitated before punching in the third deck as her destination. When she stepped off the elevator she knocked gently on the door to life support before entering. Thane stood with his hands behind his back staring out of the observation window. His head turned toward the sound when she walked in but he didn't turn around. Shepard came to a stop a few feet from the door.
"We'll be arriving at the Citadel in a few hours and there is something that I need to talk to you about before we get there," Shepard said.
"He may not be ready to hear anymore," Jane warned.
Thane turned around and gestured to the chair next to him. Shepard walked into the room to take the offered seat while he moved around the table to stand behind the other chair. He waited for her to sit down before seating himself across from her.
"Are you… are you going to be able to listen to what I have to say?" Shepard asked.
"I must apologize for my earlier actions, Shepard. I was not prepared to hear those words from your mouth. You needn't fear speaking with me, it won't happen again," Thane said.
Shepard crossed her arms and sat back in the chair.
"I don't fear speaking with you. No more than anyone else. I know how dangerous you are, Thane but so is just about every other person on this ship in their own right," Shepard said. "I wouldn't have recruited them otherwise."
"You have dropped the pretense of formality. Shall I call you Dawn?" Thane asked.
Shepard's eyebrows crept up and she shook her head slowly.
"I can call you Krios if you prefer, but the use of my first name is generally reserved for family and intimate partners. Even then, Garrus uses it only when we're alone," Shepard said and shrugged. "It comes with the territory of being in the Alliance."
"Either is acceptable, I do not have a preference," Thane said. "This is not an Alliance vessel."
"No, it most certainly is not. And I'm not currently acting within bounds of Alliance jurisdiction, but they didn't technically strip me of my rank. Yet. Even if they did, though, it would still be inextricably who I am," Shepard said.
"I see. What did you wish to speak with me about?" Thane asked.
"Choose your words carefully," Jane warned.
Shepard leaned forward and said, "It's about Kolyat."
Thane clasped his hands and rested them on the table before he said, "I'm listening."
"I thought that maybe, even if you weren't ready to believe me about… everything, this would still be something you'd want to know. I'd want to know," Shepard said. "In the past… well, I guess it's really the present… the other times – in the other times you would ask for me to help you with Kolyat. You said that he'd become 'disconnected'."
Thane moved slowly, Shepard thought so as to not startle her, bringing his hands up to rest in front of his mouth. His inner eyelid blinked a few times but he remained quiet so she continued.
"You left a package for him with volus bankers. He wasn't supposed to get it until you were dead but he somehow got it early. He decided to take a contract to kill a man. A turian politician on the Citadel," Shepard said. "I don't know if he's gotten that package yet, you might be able to keep that from happening. I don't know, I thought you might want to look into it while we're on the Citadel."
Thane remained silent and still watching Shepard closely. She grew uncomfortable under his scrutiny and stood.
"Well, believe me or not, I tried," Shepard said heading for the door.
"You lack the… finesse of an assassin but your precision is uncanny," Thane said
She turned back to face Thane still sitting in his chair, his back to her.
"That wasn't meant to hurt you. None of this was meant to hurt you," Shepard said.
"I believe you called it the 'quick kill'," Thane said.
"It was a figure of speech. I – I just meant –," Shepard said.
Thane held up a hand and said, "I know what you meant, Shepard. Still, the irony is not lost on me."
Thane stood and turned to Shepard before continuing, "Thank you, Shepard. I will look into this matter."