You know, I had finally reached a point where I finally stopped caring about everything. It was faster than I thought, but maybe that's because I had a year to observe someone else doing so.

Maybe not caring is the wrong word. Maybe saying it like I wanted to reach that point is half wrong. Whether I really wanted to fall into that state or not, I was immediately brought out of it when I ran into Rei and the snowdrop she had on her.

How I wished back then that it was just she had to admire, but I knew better. Even before it was confirmed, I knew it was pretty likely that it was a gift for Shujinkou. Knowing that I tried my hardest to end our conversation as soon as possible, but, of course, the thing I was desperately trying to avoid happened.

Normally, when a friend invites you to visit a hurt friend, you wouldn't hesitate to go, right? But I did. It was only for a brief moment, but I did hesitate. That alone made me feel bad, but it didn't compare to what I felt when I hastily declined her offer. My response and the way I just left her was really… I don't think I ever felt so ashamed before.

That brief exchange was on my mind for the entirely of that accompanying night. Like I mentioned before, the state I ended up in earlier made it easy to not care about things, but our brief talk caused what was suppressed to slip through the cracks formed at that moment.

I tried to seal them again, but the next day would prove those efforts to be pretty pointless.

Really, the start of it all was my fault. In my effort to guarantee no sudden run-ins during lunch, I went to the rooftop. I don't know what made me think that was a good idea. It really feels like I should have known that going to the roof would instantly remind me of what happened on the hospital's rooftop.

My body and heart ached as I remembered how Akui assaulted us with sadistic glee. Of course, that wasn't the only thing I was reminded of.

And as if life wanted to make things worse, what I was reminded of made me recall something Mali said to me before Claudette and I were captured.

"Of course, where does that leave Ms. Club President? Senpai is just a normal club member and yet he does more than the founder and president. Isn't it your responsibility to keep your club together? But instead of doing that, you rely on the one that doesn't look like the literature type and didn't want to be there in the first place.

I may have said that Shujinkou doesn't do much but you make him look really active in comparison. Even now, he's driving himself crazy to protect his friends while others do nothing but wait on the sidelines. This just proves that his potentials do nothing but push their problems on him, fueling his almost martyr complex. That's pretty harsh to do to someone you claim to love."

"Though if Ms. Club President was just letting Senpai be the 'heart' of the club just so he can feel like he's not out of place, then now would be a good time to drop the act. After all, Senpai could use all the help he can get since he's on a strict countdown."

Honestly, those words have haunted me ever since I heard them. At first, it was mainly because of how unnerving Mali's presence was back then. The clear enjoyment she felt from Shujinkou trying his hardest to "save the day" while he was struggling to keep his sense of self seemed to be too much even for someone who enjoyed teasing others.

Her eyes at that moment; it was like looking into the eyes of a devil. But the next time we met, she seemed to be back to normal.

That said, in the end, it didn't really matter what she was like then or now; what she said ended up being true. All I could do was stand in the sidelines and let Shujinkou save us despite how much pain I knew he was going through and because of that, things got worse for everyone.

I think that's why Mali is able to shut people down so easy with just her words; whatever she says always have at least a bit of truth to them, things people rather not think about.

I was honestly surprised that Mali had yet to rub it in my face about how right she was. I don't really know if she would really do so, so maybe I just wanted someone to rightfully chastise me.

But maybe because I wanted it, of course I didn't get that. When I thought about it, I realized that I haven't really seen Mali in awhile, though it makes sense since she was only ever interested in Shujinkou.

Still, hers was another name to add to the list.

It was ironic. I came up to the roof to be alone and when I was, I found myself hating it. That wasn't new, and yet I was as still doing it. Then again, I haven't made a good decision in who knows how long now.

Fortunately, I was saved from my haunting thoughts and memories thanks to the school bell. It didn't seem to be that long since I first got up here, but I guess wallowing causes time to fly by faster and yet go slower at the same time.

Still, it was at least a little relieving to know that I just needed to get through a few more classes and then I could go home.

I walked to the exit, but soon heard something that made my heart skip a beep. It was a loud beeping sound, kind of like what you would hear from a phone alarm.

I looked up. It seemed like the source of the sound was coming from the top of the bulkhead, but I naturally couldn't see anything from where I was standing.

As I pondered whether or not to climb up there, the sound came to an abrupt end. Coming after the brief silence that followed was a yawn. Following that was someone sitting up and stretching their arms.

"Back to class," they groggily said aloud.

Maybe because of the mood I was in, but I was absolutely stunned to discover that Kiyoko had been sleeping up there the entire time.

Great surprise was also the reason I called for her instead of leaving before she noticed me. She looked down at me like it was any other day and asked, "Hey, Monika, what're you doing up here?"

It really was shocking for someone to not look at me like I was an injured bird or something to that effect. Then again, from the times we've been together, Kiyoko always had an easygoing feel to her. I don't think I could actually imagine her with worried eyes.

Still that feel had to be what made me somewhat casually retort, "I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Well, I like to come up here durning lunch for some personal downtime," she answered. "I get to watch the clouds and eventually take a nap until its back to class for me."

I scratched my right cheek. I've been copying Shujinkou's cheek scratching habit for awhile now even though every time I've done so hurts. But I still did it for some reason. It was like instinct at this point; a torturous instinctive impulse.

I didn't have time to dwell on that though, the crosswind from Kiyoko almost cinematic landing made sure of that. Not that I was complaining.

"So what brings you up here?" Kiyoko asked again. "Never really seen you come up here before."

I hesitated to answer that. I didn't want to, but I had to give her something.

"Me? Well… I guess I just wanted some time to myself too."

That was okay enough answer, right? It wasn't as if I lied to her or anything.

"So, how've you been?" Kiyoko continued to questioned me. "Not counting Shujinkou, I haven't really seen any of you guys in passing like I usually do."

I should have known that question was coming. I would have answered with the usual but her asking about the others caught me off guard.

"I… I'm mostly fine myself and I'm sure the others are fine enough too."

That was the best response I could give her, even if at least half of it was false. Still I needed to prepare myself for what else she may talk about. But as I thought that, I noticed Kiyoko giving me a strange look.

It was like she was curiously sizing me up or something like that. Whatever the case, what she said next caught me off guard again.

"…Rei's snowdrop was a pretty nice gift, don't you think?"

How did she know that; that was all I could think. It must have been written all over my face because Kiyoko soon gave me the answer I wanted.

"I went with her to check up on Shujinkou yesterday. She didn't really do much but stare at him, but you could tell that was her way of expressing her attachment to him."

Hearing that made me regret wanting further explanation, but that didn't compare to what Kiyoko proposed.

"Hey, wanna join me in seeing him after school?"

It was like with Rei all over again. It should have been all too easy to instantly agree to go and see my comatose friend; my comatose friend that only ended up that way because put his life on the line to help us. That's what a good friend would do.

But… I couldn't…

"Thanks for the invitation, Kiyoko, but I'm going to have to decline," I said. "I… I can't be there for him today."

I don't know if that answer struck a nerve with her because all I got was silence after my answer. That said, it did bring up in opportunity I didn't hesitate to take. The conversation could reasonably be considered finish, so I made it appear I took it as such and slipped past her into the stairwell.

All I could think of as I walked down was why I wasn't going too. Though at the same time I wondered that if Shujinkou wasn't in his coma, would seeing him even be an option or would he just vanish too?

"Hey, Monika."

I nearly jumped out of my skin the moment I realized Kiyoko was walking besides me. And again I must have been wearing my thoughts on my face, because she had a somewhat amused smile on hers.

"You do remember that this is the only way down, right?" she reminded me with a chuckle.

I felt a lot of things over the last few days, but light-hearted embarrassment was not one of them. I wasn't embarrassed just by the fact that the person I haphazardly tried to avoid caught up to me right away, but also by the fact that I tried running in the first place. Though the last part wasn't just embarrassment; I felt shame too.

Experiencing both feelings at once, all I could do was scratch my right cheek. Doing so however, prompted Kiyoko to ask me why I've been doing so a lot lately.

Even if had an answer, would I ever have given it to her? Judging by my previous action, I'd doubt it. Still I just told her the truth that I had no idea why I was doing so.

After the she shrugged and said goodbye as we went our separate ways.

You know, other than asking me the obvious stuff, Kiyoko didn't really do what others might have done. In fact, she really treated me like nothing ever happened. I don't say that like I was expecting special treatment or anything, it was just surprising difference.

Her nonchalant and casual attitude… Would that be a good attitude to adopt moving on or am I comparing my current mood to someone who was thankfully left out of the events that transpired that night.

Would she be the same if she was there or not? I couldn't make assumptions since I don't know what she could have went through in life.

I didn't know what the others went through and I'm pretty sure I made assumptions that made me even less effective that I would have been if I knew how bad things could have gotten.

…

….

…..

…

…

….Thinking about it…

Maybe…

….

…

…

….Maybe I've never been a good friend. Maybe that's how I ended up alone again…