"This shouldn't be so hard." That was what Monika thought when she began her latest literary excursion.
Recent events had made writing hard, but she thought what she had to do would require little to no effort.
But it was hard. Each stroke of her pen caused her unimaginable pain as logged her thoughts. It was because of this and one other specific reason she had that something so simple took 2 entire days to write down.
With a heavy sigh, Monika double checked her work. Her one page letter was concise and quick to the point. Despite that, she was unable to figure out whether or not anyone could pick up the feelings that lied in her words.
I don't think so but…
Aside from the obvious reason, Monika also couldn't separate herself as the writer; to look at it from another's perspective.
Am I too late?"
Monika looked up in surprise. Sayori was standing in the doorway of the old clubroom.
"No, no. You're just on time," Monika assured her.
"Eh?" The visitor looked around in confusion. "But where are the others?"
"It's just me," Monika answered with a forced smile.
Sayori stared into Monika's eyes, a big grin appearing on the new member's face.
"It's no biggie! Clubs are about quality, not quantity," Sayori assured her. "The two of us can make a totally awesome club!"
"That's true but for this club to be officially recognized as a club, we need a total of four members," Monika informed her.
Sayori was quiet for a moment, before her face suddenly lit up with determination.
"Then if the people won't come to the club, we'll bring the club to the people!" she excitedly declared.
"Eh? But how do we do that?" Monika queried.
"We'll just have to find people that are so into literature that the only reason they aren't here is because their noses are deep in their books!" Sayori explained, barely able to contain her excitement. "And there's only one place to find those kinds of people…"
Sayori gently grasped Monika's hand and tugged her out of her seat.
"We're going on our first club field trip!" Sayori cheered.
Monika shook her head, desperately trying to keep her from reminiscing any further. Looking at the letter was already hard, but the sudden memory made it nearly impossible.
She quickly stuffed the letter in her school bag and slung it over her shoulder.
"Just have to deliver it…" Monika mumbled under her breath.
She walked downstairs and noticed Claudette writing in a journal. The serious and determined look on her face was truly surprising.
"Claudette?" she called.
Her cousin didn't say a word. Instead she got up, walked past Monika and started climbing the stairs. Halfway up, Claudette suddenly stopped. She turned around and looked down at Monika surprised.
"Since when did you get downstairs?" she asked.
"Um, a few seconds ago," Monika answered, scratching her right cheek.
"Oh." Claudette alternated looking at her cousin and her journal. "Lunch I made for you is in the kitchen. Have a nice day."
With that, Claudette zipped upstairs before Monika could even respond.
"Ah…"
Monika was filled with a heavy sense of irony.
This has to be how everyone I did that to felt like…
She couldn't really understand why her elder cousin took a page from her book or whether or what it meant overall.
Maybe it's just me. After all, why bother sparing that many words to a person constantly avoiding conversation…
That theory put her in a worse mood than before. At this point, she was constantly surprising herself by how the threshold constantly keeps moving farther and farther.
Grabbing her lunch then starting her daily walk to school, Monika couldn't help but think how everything seems to make her feel worse each passing day. It was so bad that she felt she could freely tempt fate by asking:
"How could it get any worse?"
Fate answered by striking her from behind with tremendous force. If being knocked t the ground wasn't so painful, she could have potentially found the timing a little hilarious.
"Whoa, sorry about that!"
A hand soon appeared in front of her. Looking up, Monika found a girl offering to help.
Drawn in by the stranger's curious eyes, Monika accepted her help without question. Her hand was strong and firm and Monika felt as if she was pulled up instead of being helped up.
W-Wow.
Monika wanted to give her thanks, but found it impossible to form the words. All she could do was scratch her right cheek as the stranger examined her from head to toe.
"Wow, so you're Monika…"
Monika's face lit up with surprise, contrasting the baffled expression lying on the unfamiliar girl's face.
"How do you know who I am?"
"How can I not?" the girl said, rolling her eyes. "I go to school with someone who complains about you almost every single day…"
It was then when Monika noticed the black school jacket she was wearing.
"Oh…"
Monika had an idea of who the stranger was referring to.
"Anyway, sorry for running over you again," the unfamiliar student apologized. "I was in a rush."
Monika scratched her right cheek as she watched the stranger kick up a skateboard and lower a pair of goggles over her eyes.
She took off, disappearing from sight rather quickly.
"Wow…"
Arrival at School…
"Alright, here goes."
Monika raised her fist. All she needed to do was knock on Fuyu's door and deliver her letter. Once given to the school president then it would all be over.
Just knock…
She knew all it took was a simple flick of the wrist, but-
"Hey, Monika…"
Monika turned around. To her surprise, Shujinkou was standing behind her.
"Hey, Shujinkou. What's up?"
Shujinkou awkwardly scratched his right cheek.
"Um… I know I just left out of nowhere yesterday and I know that I'm not really the type of person to be into literature like you guys but… Can I still join your club?"
"Of course."
"Really?"
"Mm-hmm. I want the club to be a place where people can be free to express themselves and be comfortable doing so. It is a club centered around a passion for literature but its also all-inclusive because I honestly don't believe in the 'literary type' mindset.
While the amount varies and though I know it's not the most popular interest, I believe that everyone has some appreciation for literature."
"W-Wow…" Shujinkou marveled. "That's amazing."
"Not really."Monika replied, trying her best to suppress how happy the compliment made her feel. "By the way, what made you change your mind?"
"Well…"
"Never mind, you don't have to explain yourself. Just make sure you don't forget today's meeting."
"R-Right."
Monika shook her head.
Why am I thinking about such things now? I just have to…
To her surprise, her fist was no longer hovering in front of her. Without ever realizing it, she stuffed her hand in her pocket.
Maybe now isn't the best time anyway…
Clinging to that excuse, Monika took off for class.
Lunchtime…
Monika searched the rooftop from head to toe. It was disturbingly relieving to find that no one she knew was around.
With the area clear, Monika sat on the edge of the bulkhead and opened the lunch Claudette made for her.
"Monika… How come you never kicked me out of the club after my fight with Natsuki?"
"Why…?" the club president was taken aback by the sudden question. The thought of resorting to such an action never even crossed her mind. "Why would I do that?"
"Because I sewn discord into the fragile structure of our club not too long after joining."
"Well…" Monika paused to pick her next words carefully. They needed to be truthful. "I know that wasn't a fond moment for any of us but I was hoping that we all could eventually move past it."
Her lips formed a regretful smile as she diverted her gaze.
"To be honest… I really felt powerless back then. Despite being the club president, I couldn't find it in me to find people to form the club with and couldn't do anything to fix the rift back then. But…"
All sense of regret vanished from her face as she looked back at Yuri. "But I can't stay stuck on that moment of helplessness. Without even thinking about, I moved on. The same way you and Natsuki are moving past your past fight."
Yuri remained silent. Hearing those words reminded her of the moment Natsuki had handed her the book she currently held.
That brief memory caused a small smile to light up Yuri's dour face.
"Yes… We are."
There was a brief silence as she looked around the room.
"It's kind of funny… I used to always be looking for places where I can be alone with my books; a place where I could be with people I knew wouldn't judge me. Then when I'm offered a place where I could share my interests, I do the same thing.
I've come to terms with my hypocrisy there. But I have to admit that it I used to think that the reason I wasn't kick out of the club back then was because of the numbers game each club had to face. Once Shujinkou came into the picture, I thought I would no longer be necessary."
Yuri giggled as she recalled those old feelings.
"It's even funnier that I was concerned about the person who unknowingly allowed me to see my faults as a person and helped me convey my own feelings better.
But he wasn't the only one who helped me. Everyone in their own way help me feel better about myself. I know it may sound weird, but I wouldn't have learned how to be better without everyone's efforts. So…"
Yuri awkwardly bowed to Monika.
"Thank you for inviting me to the club!"
"Eh?" Monika could only reply with surprise. She didn't see the conversation taking the turn it did.
"I know you could have picked anyone and none of this development would have happened if you didn't pick me and you've also always been very reassuring so… Thank you."
Monika had no clue how to properly respond. She could understand Yuri giving thanks to Shujinkou, but it was a little hard for thanks to be sent her way.
But at the same time-
"No problem," she replied with a bright smile.
At the same time, that acknowledgement filled her with more joy than Yuri would ever know.
"But ultimately it was undeserved."
Monika sighed as she jumped down from the bulkhead and silently walked back into the school.
…
The last bell of the day echoed throughout the school. Perhaps it was the time or perhaps everything today could potentially serve as a trigger. Whatever the case, another memory suddenly cropped up in her head.
"How do you deal with it?"
Monika looked up at Natsuki. Her friend was staring at her with such genuine curiosity that it was almost intriguing.
"Deal with what?"
"I didn't believe it at first, but you made it pretty clear that you don't like all the attention your idol status gets you. So how do you deal with it?"
"I don't know. I just do. Why are you asking all of sudden?"
Natsuki shrugged.
"Just curious. I was just thinking about how I used to think that deep down you enjoyed it and your humble act was annoying."
"You… seriously thought I was like that?"
"Kinds. I mean, if it was an act, you would be one heck of an actor, but… I guess I couldn't really imagine someone in your position actually not being the evil school idol in real life. At the very least, you could've been annoyingly self-absorbed."
Faced with that admittance, Monika chuckled softly.
"I… I don't really know what to think about that."
"Sorry, that's just how I felt."
Natsuki looked away for a moment. Though she tried to hide it, it was clear by the faint pink glow of covering her cheeks that it was embarrassing for her to admit her previous feelings.
"If it makes you feel any better, I kind of thought Yuri was putting up a shy girl act and it really irritated me when I thought Shujinkou was easily buying it. Didn't see that judgmental side of hers when he was around at all. And Sayori… I just thought something was off about her
And then there was Shujinkou..."
"What about Shujinkou?"
"Him…" Natsuki's once again grew a faint pink as she considered her reply. "I thought he was someone who puts up an awkward nice guy act to hide his darker side. He'd draw you in thinking he was harmless, but would end up taking advantage of the trust you put in him or you would at least not expect much of him."
"How did you draw that conclusion from him at first?"
"I don't know… I guess… I guess I was just trying to find something wrong with him at first. But other than a few incidents, he didn't really do anything to prove me right. I didn't really trust anyone back then and him being him kind of shattered some of my conceptions about people.
And then the slumber party completely confirmed that I was wrong about you. I accepted Sayori is just Sayori and Yuri… I just stopped being mad at along the way."
Natsuki's eyes drifted away, focusing on her collection of manga.
"I didn't expect her to apologize and I didn't expect me to apologize back. And then-"
Natsuki eyes immediately darted back to Monika.
"Wait, I was asking about you? How'd it turn around to me!?"
"Why are you acting like I turned it around myself." Monika rebuked with a giggle. "It's not like I manipulated the conversation to make you talk about yourself."
"The you I thought you were would have… Though I guess we have Mali around to do stuff like that.
Natsuki sighed.
"Seriously, only Shujinkou could stand having someone who takes joy in messing with him and made school a nightmare for a week around."
Her voice was once again layered with disbelief. Natsuki's eyes curiously circled the room before landing back on Monika.
"Then again… You don't seem too irritated with her being around either."
"It's complicated on my part… For Shujinkou, I'm sure it's just because, well, he's Shujinkou. For me, I guess it's a combination of not giving her what she wants and just… not wanting to be the kind of person she expects us to be.
I know they sound the same but… I really get the feeling that one of the reasons Mali stays around Shujinkou is to see how far he can be pushed. Like you used to, she probably thinks Shujinkou's kindness is a front or that he has a limit to how much he can take before he loses it. She wants to see how long will it be until Shujinkou wants nothing to do with her.
The thing is, Shujinkou clearly doesn't want to reach that point."
"For reasons only he really knows…" Natsuki interjected.
"I think Mali expects that from all of us too, at least to make things harder for Shujinkou: her main target.
But even so, in general, I don't want to be the person Mali is trying to turn Shujinkou into even for a moment, because… I just don't."
That was what she desired, but one fact made it especially hard.
"But you know, I'm not Shujinkou, so it's kind of hard. If I was in his position, I don't really know what I'd do."
"You'd honestly try to do the same thing really."
"You think so?" Monika was surprised. She didn't expect Natsuki to say that.
"I mean, Shujinkou has the whole unfailingly kind to everyone around him thing that changed her interests while you would try to match her in wits but would still want to make her stop being so… Mali. But I'm sure you would do the same thing." Natsuki assured her.
The club president smiled, but the happiness she felt didn't last long as Natsuki's face turned sour.
"Really, I think another reason Mali hangs around him is because he just somehow keeps making friends with other girls and she's just the latest."
"That's… I'm pretty sure it's not on purpose on his part." Monika defended.
"I know… That's what makes it irritating,"
"Yeah…" Monika could sympathize with Natsuki's feelings on the topic. "But it does show how good he is with people despite initial claims to the contrary."
"Does he have to be that good…? I just… I don't want him to…"
Natsuki suddenly went silent.
"Never mind… Forget I said anything… Suddenly, I'm the one being a dummy… Not to mention him being like that indirectly led to us getting a clubroom through ironically probably borderline illegal tactics which ironically turns out to be well-deserved karma for the weird guy she did it too."
Nese: the strange student that kidnapped Monika. Despite the fact that it should be a traumatic experience, she hardly felt anything about it at all other than Rei getting stabbed. In fact, she didn't really recall much of anything but the rescue.
"Besides, I'm the last person to question why he would be around someone who isn't the nicest to him…" Natsuki admitted.
"You weren't really that bad to him."
Natsuki looked at her like she had said something completely insane.
"I hit him on the head with a rolled-up poster. If it was anyone else, they would have never let that go… Except you and Sayori and Yuri later on."
A small giggle slipped through Monika's lips."I don't know, I may have held on to it so I'd have something for whenever you bring up the whole maid thing."
"How can I not?" Natsuki laughed. "You brought the entire festival to a halt."
"You're really not going to let that go will you?"
"It's kind hard to let go when its forever written in school event history."
"Ugh…"
The possibility that could actually happen… Monika would be forever embarrassed it was actually true.
"Seriously though, how do you deal with that? I thought you were acting humble back then but now I see that you really were that uncomfortable. How do you deal with it on an almost daily basis?" Natsuki questioned again.
"Um… I guess… I just keep my focus on other things… Like the people I care about paying attention to me."
Monika opened her eyes. Her classroom was now empty. She gathered her things and walked out into the hallway.
"Hey." A voice called out to her.
Monika turned towards the voice to find Fuyu standing beside her. Even though she wasn't directly looking at her, Monika could tell something was off due to her droopy eyes.
"Are you okay?" Monika instinctively asked. "You look more tired than usual."
"Yeah, well, I didn't really get much sleep last night…" Fuyu yawned.
There was an awkward silence between them. Monika could sense what was about to happen next and could already feel the regret her next action will bring.
"I'm going to be honest… Me approaching you like right now was prompted by Mali," Fuyu said with a sigh.
"What?" Monika gasped.
"Clearly, I'm being used as a pawn to rouse you from your despair as she has said. Most likely, I would be forceful, tell you what you need to do and stay on you till you do it."
Fuyu looked up at Monika. Her eyes were filled with defeat.
"But I'm not going to do that," she continued.
"You're… not?"
"Oh, I thought about it. I thought about what I could say, what I could do, how any of those play into Mali's game of chess, but just as the bell rung, I thought, 'what's the point of trying at all?' Instead, I've come here to ask you to indulge me for a second. You're free right now, right?"
"Well…" Monika scratched her right cheek. "Yes."
Fuyu motioned her to follow behind. Monika had no idea if there was a specific location they were going to or they were just taking a stroll, but she decided not to ask any questions.
"So the reason I've left you and the others to your own devices… well there are actually several reasons, but one of the main ones is that at the end of the day, I haven't gone through what you all went through. So what could I say that would mean anything at all? What could I say to magically make things better?"
Fuyu shrugged, answering her own question.
"Clearly nothing, which is why I haven't said anything.
But then something happened yesterday that got me thinking. You see, I ended up in a position where I ended up overhearing Shujinkou's mom talk to his dad."
To say Monika was shocked to hear that would be an understatement. She didn't expect that the person Jomei was referring to was Shujinkou's mother. Or at least, she had hoped it wasn't the case.
"It turns out he was investigating what happened and I got some more insight to what happened then," Fuyu continued. "And while that was illuminating, that wasn't what stuck out me the most.
There I am listening to a man talk about a situation that involved his own son, like he was describing the plot to a show. There was nary a hint of worry or relief on his part. Heck, just when he first arrived, he was pretty much like, 'I just knew this was about Shujinkou.'
I thought Shujinkou had a poor relationship with his dad, but that was worse than I could have even imagined. And then I learned the man left his at a time when someone close Shujinkou passed away and I was absolutely floored. And then I learned he had an idea of what Akuma was truly like at and was well aware of his activities at least as far back as our summer trip to which I began to wonder if the man was a sociopath."
Monika didn't know what to say. It was already bad enough that Jomei felt nothing about his own son being in a coma, but withholding information that could have prevented the Devil's Night incident entirely…
"That's just… It's unbelievable…" Monika muttered.
"Yeah… and thinking that my mind goes back to when I heard Natsuki's dad seemed close to attacking Shujinkou, which makes me think at best, he's an extreme helicopter parent. Then I imagine what it may be for her living with someone like that at best. But again, I can't truly grasp the situation because I'm just an outside viewer looking at the surface."
Fuyu closed her eyes and replayed the conversation from yesterday again.
"…I was this close to being involved in this. If Akui started his plan even sooner, I could've been in the same boat for the Devil's Night incident, but I wasn't. You see, I had a feeling this rabbit hole went deep. I didn't say anything, because it would have just been the ignorant ramblings of someone who doesn't know what they're talking about.
I've already done that before with Rei years ago, hence my hesitation. And just through one single conversation, my eyes were opened to how much I didn't know. And what I did learn, again I'm just scratching the surface. What right would I have to say anything along the lines of involving helping anyone involve feel better, when I'm so far away from any of this, that the situation practically screams I'd just be wasting my breath and making things worse again."
Fuyu opened her eyes. Like before, defeat was noticeable, but there was something else; something positive.
"But then an answer came to me, one that takes all those logical reasons why I should continue my 'leave everyone alone' stance and tosses them aside. The fact that deep down… I care too much to continue doing that. Maybe, I'm not knowledgeable or close enough to any of this that I could accept a single, 'You wouldn't understand.' But…"
Fuyu looked around, bringing to Monika's attention that they were now outside the school.
"I know we're not as close as you are with the others. That's another reason I didn't say anything, because I felt like it wouldn't mean much on two important fronts," Fuyu solemnly admitted. "But still… If you need an ear or someone to rely on. I'm here.
It doesn't have to be now or ever. In fact, you can go your own way right now if you want and there would be no need to feel bad about it. I'm just letting you know I'm here if you need me."
Monika remained silent. Her hands trembled as she reached into her bag. Now would be the perfect time to deliver the letter, right?
But she couldn't do it.
"There's something I need to talk to you about," Monika said. "Are you free right now?"