A/N: This chapter is based on an episode of The Black Adder, Naruto-style. Complete crack...or crap. Depends on your point of view. Thanks to those of you who reviewed the previous chapter. What can I say, do it again! It gives me a happy and makes me post faster.
Disclaimer: See the previous disclaimers I wrote. I don't own jack...luckily.
Chapter Summary: To prove he's a hot shot Kazekage, Naruto, coaxed by Kiba, organizes the greatest party Suna has ever seen. Things start going awry when Gaara needs to be kept out of the picture.Naruto makes an ass of himself, Gaara and Hinata go on a date, and Kankurou challenges Naruto to a drinking contest. Will Kazekage Naruto survive his first day? Probably, or it would rain on my 7 part series parade.
You Bet Your Kazekage!
----Chapter 1. Day One----
"I quit! You hear me, q-u-i-t!"
"You can't quit! I'm firing you!" The newly appointed Kazekage fumed, slamming his hands on his desk and, with a point of his finger, directed his personal assistant towards the door. Twenty minutes in office and he already managed to aggravate someone in the room—Naruto was a method worker. Sinking back down in his chair, hands tightly clutching the armrest, he barely found the strength to look up as sharp knocks banged on the large wooden door. "Who ever it is, go away," he nonchalantly said, yet loud enough so that the person on the other side could hear.
But Inuzuka Kiba had never listened to Naruto and he sure as hell was not about to start now. Practically kicking the door in, he and Akamaru entered the Kazekage's office like mavericks, all proverbial guns blazing. Pulling up a chair in front of the disabused Kage of Suna, Kiba took place and stretched his legs up on the desk, a small pile of mud forming as his shoes dribbled on important paperwork. Knowing Kiba, he had probably splashed around in the dirt beforehand with the single purpose of seeing the look on Naruto's face. "So, I just saw Sakura storm out of here, what's up with that?" He questioned smugly, proud to know things weren't going so well.
"I just fired her," he affirmed with conviction, shooting an annoyed glance at Kiba. Naruto had asked Sakura to help him win the bet, and she had pleasantly agreed. That, until she heard of Naruto's first order of business as Kazekage. The quick-witted Naruto entering his functions with maturity and civility? Yeah, ri-ight! On the contrary, to prove that he now owned the joint, Uzumaki Naruto was planning the greatest Naruto-is-Kazekage bash Suna had ever seen, right here in the administration building.
"A party? Hahaha!" Kiba could not stop laughing. Not only because this would incur Gaara's limitless wrath, but also because this was the perfect opportunity to show the world what an idiot Naruto could be. To make himself sound more convincing, he immediately regained his composure. "You know Naruto, a simple soiree is so boring. Why not make it a complete piss-up with booze and, well, vomiting?"
Although an appealing suggestion for a pervert like Naruto, it had one obvious drawback. "Gaara would kill me."
"He's not the boss of you," Kiba replied in chorus with a bark from Akamaru. Leaning over the desk to give the new Kage a scrutinizing look, he resumed, " I mean, unless you're too much of a coward."
Would Naruto be Naruto if he didn't fall into obvious traps and pointless taunts? Of course not. "You're right. Gaara is not the boss of me, I'm the Kazekage this week." And with that in mind, Naruto decided to plan an unprecedented booze-up in the conservative Sunagakure. Simple, right? Nothing could go wrong. Ri-ight.
After a few faint knocks on the door, Hinata entered the room. Although three years had not drastically changed her self confidence, it certainly gave her enough courage to walk up to Naruto and wish him luck. Stammering in check, generalized tremble under wraps, she smiled at the new Kage; it was a natural smile, she was genuinely happy to see him. "Hey Naruto-kun," she said. "How's the bet going?"
"Hinata, you'll be at the party tonight, right?"
"You mean booze-up," Kiba chimed in, sharply emphasizing the last word. "Booze-up."
"Hinata, you'll be at the booze-up tonight, right?"
"Gaara'll kill you, Naruto-kun." Trouble gravitated to Naruto like flies to honey. Hinata knew it all too well and, for some strange reason, couldn't help being drawn to him too. As a short giggle escaped her lips, she languidly nodded in the affirmative, her long bangs falling over her face while she shook her head.
"Don't worry," Naruto replied surprised, and somewhat impressed, that Hinata planned on showing up at his less-than-savory party. But everything about Naruto was less than savory. Lowering his tone, bringing it down to a secretive whisper, he continued explaining his scheme, "Nothing can go wrong as long as Gaara doesn't find out about the booze-up."
"Did someone say booze-up?" Kankurou interjected curiously, bursting through the door without invitation. The Sand Nin had been eavesdropping on their conversation since Hinata walked in. Giving Naruto a smug look, he pursued, "Not only will Gaara kill you but, Naruto, you're the worst drinker ever. Rumor has it you took a small sip of sake while out with that Ero-Sennin and passed out drunk, naked in the streets of Konoha."
Ignoring Naruto's heated stare and the fact that he was about to throw an anger tantrum, Kiba doubled over with an irksome little chuckle. Not only was it hilarious, it was true. "News travels fast around here," he said, unable to articulate properly due to the overwhelming bout of laughter coming over him.
"That's a lie," the man in question replied, instantly and completely set ablaze.
Kankurou nodded politely in attempts to make it look as though he believed Naruto, but the cheeky grin on his face told otherwise. Even Naruto didn't buy it—and that, in itself, said a lot. Shifting from pseudo-apologetic to a more genuine arrogance, he said, "I don't mean to be rude, Kazekage-sama, but it was in the Konoha Newsletter. Someone even took pictures."
Luckily for Kiba, Naruto was too caught up in his rage fit to notice the guilty look rising on the Ninken master's face. To cover up, he quickly filled the awkward silence with nothing short of another troublemaking scheme. "Since we're holding a booze-up, why not make a drinking competition out of it?" Kiba suggested. "Naruto'll prove that he can take his alcohol. Maybe you'll save face, eh Naruto?" Naruto saving face? Not likely.
"You're on," Kankurou said cocksure, convinced he was going to win. "See you there, Naruto-kun. Last one standing wins." And with that, he exited from where he came.
Lightly shaking her head in playful disappointment, Hinata softly spoke up. "You have a lot of bets going on, Naruto-kun. I'm sure you're going to win them all," she said, still flashing him her most gentle smile. Seemed like Naruto was pleased with Hinata's reassuring presence because he reciprocated by giving her an equally endearing smile despite the fact that he was boiling with rage inside.
Determined to put the proverbial kibosh into Naruto's goings-on, Kiba continued, his tone as slick a salesman, "I'd wipe that smile off my face if I were you, Naruto-kun, we still have to find a way to keep Gaara busy all evening. And knowing Sakura, she's probably on her way to tip him off about your party." He paused shortly, his gaze resting on Naruto. "I could go stall her for you."
"Since when are you doing stuff for me?"
"Don't get my wrong, Naruto. It's us against them. If you lose this bet, it reflects bad upon all of us." Strangely enough, Kiba was quite persuasive. Did he have something up his sleeve? Of course. Inuzuka Kiba always had a plan. And this one was seemingly fool proof. Scratch that, Naruto proof.
"Right. Then get your ass moving and find her," Naruto shouted, directing Kiba out of his office with a rude gesture like he had done for Sakura earlier. On that note, Kiba strolled out of Kazekage Naruto's office, a cheesy smile forming on his small features.
Sucker.
After suspiciously watching Kiba striding out of the office so unceremoniously, Hinata immediately turned her attention back on the new Kazekage. "Errr, Naruto-kun. We have to talk..."
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"Sakura-chan! Sakura-chan!" Kiba shouted from down the hall, stopping the pink-headed girl dead in her tracks.
Whirling around, she turned to face Kiba, who was panting, short of breath, surely due to the fact that he had sprinted his way to her. A bit curious, she said, "Something important, Kiba?"
Generally speaking, Sakura was no stool pigeon and had no intention of warning Gaara about the party. However, convincing Naruto of that fact was all Kiba needed to put his own plan to action. "Yeah...something very important...have you seen Gaara? I have to tell him the funniest story."
From an adjacent room, hidden behind a half-opened door, Naruto was desperately trying to keep his mouth shut. Turning to the black-headed girl who was leaning over his shoulders, he spoke in the barest of whispers, "You were right. He is planning on telling Gaara everything."
"Shhh, Naruto-kun," Hinata silenced him upon noticing the furtive glances Akamaru was shooting around the room—more specifically, in their general direction. When Kiba's dog turned his attention back on Sakura, Hinata, pulling the enraged Naruto away from the door, continued, "We just have to find Gaara first and make up some clever excuse."
"Hinata! You're brilliant," he nearly exclaimed as the two of them rushed towards Gaara's quarters.
It was only two blocks down, on the last floor. Rushing up the stairs, Naruto and Hinata managed to get there before Kiba but, it was impossible to get Gaara to open the door. "Open up, Damn it. Gaara, you lazy bastard!" Naruto shouted from the outside. It was to no avail. If Kiba was heading this way, better do something fast. "Shikamaru! Get your hands off Temari!" Uzumaki Naruto, master strategist.
"Clever, Naruto-kun."
Luckily for him, that outburst had the desired effect. Opening the door like a zealot, Gaara rushed into the corridor right past Naruto, frantically looking left and right. "Huh? Where the...Oh! Guess it was just a bad dream," he mumbled, a bit ashamed of himself. Finally noticing the two of them standing there, he addressed Naruto, "Ready to give up?"
"Not likely," Naruto said, shifting his gaze from Hinata to Gaara. "So, Gaara, what are you doing tonight? Something special?"
"No, not really..."
"That's great! Mind if we come in," Naruto asked and, without waiting for Gaara's response, forged his way in the room followed by Hinata. It was a circular room with small windows covering nearly half the wall. There was a mezzanine overlooking Gaara's personal study and up the spiraling staircase, his quiet bedroom. Very classy. Taking a seat in the study, Naruto and Hinata waited for the stupefied Gaara to come back in.
However, before the former jinchuuriki could return to his room, he was intercept by Kiba, hurriedly dragging himself up the stairs. "Gaara-sama! Wait!"
"What now?" Gaara queried disinterestedly, waiting for an excuse to throw everybody out of his quarters and go back to sleep.
"I must tell you," he paused, taking the time to savor his up-and-coming victory, "I must tell you about Naruto's party..."
Anger suddenly twisting his features, he turned his heated glare inside the room, to Naruto, and exclaimed, "Naruto's what?"
Popping his head out the door to glare at Kiba, Naruto had to think fast of a way to salvage the situation. He could tell by the look on Gaara's face that these might be his last words. Or, by the smug look on Kiba's face, that if he lived to see another day, Kiba was so in for it. That bastard. "You didn't let Kiba finish. He meant to say Naruto's part in...you going on a date tonight." He rushed the finish of that sentence.
"Nice save, cretin..."
"My going on a what?" Gaara seemed more shocked than angry. A good thing.
"Yeah," he breathed out, relieved but still in need of keeping up the charade. " You and...Hinata!" It was not that Naruto deliberately wanted to send Hinata on a date with Gaara, but she was the first person he could think of. He instantly regretted it and yet, it was the perfect solution. Hinata was trustworthy and would keep an eye on Gaara till the party was over.
"W-why would I agree to this nonsense," Gaara questioned, unable to conceal the blush coming to his cheeks as he looked back at Hinata, the latter who immediately came the door to see why her name had been mentioned.
The young girl was also awestruck. She couldn't believe Naruto had sold her out like that—especially that she was expecting to show up at his party that evening. Not that spending the night out with Gaara was so repulsive, it was just not with Naruto and therefore, not good enough. Hinata blushed also, at lost for words.
"You wouldn't want to offend Hinata, would you?" Naruto insisted.
"No, I guess not," Gaara hesitated.
"Then it's settled. Pick her up at seven!" Naruto's party started at eight. With Gaara out with Hinata, he'd be none the wiser, and Naruto would prove once and for all he was in complete control.
Everything would of worked out if—and there's always an if—Kiba had kept his mouth shut. "Yeah, that's right. That's what I was going to say...and also that Naruto offered to chaperon." That same cocky smile, he looked at Naruto and then back at Gaara, "You know, because he takes his duty as Kage very seriously."
Before Naruto could rush to protest, Gaara nodded in the affirmative. "Alright, then I'll see you both tonight," he said awkwardly before shutting the door in Naruto's face.
Once he was sure Gaara was out of hearing range, Naruto aggressively turned to face Kiba. "I'm going to kill you."
"Calm down, you idiot. I just saved the day," Kiba affirmed, trying to salvage his own game. He had to persuade Naruto that he was still on his side. "It was obvious Gaara suspected something, this way you just check on them once in a while, and your booze-up remains a secret. Everybody wins"
"Right," Naruto agreed, his tone wavering. Maybe Kiba truly had his best interest at heart. It was not so crazy; he could keep an eye on Gaara and Hinata, and host his party at the same time, and no one would know.
"I don't mean to be rude, Naruto-kun," Hinata interjected, "But aren't you forgetting something?"
"Don't worry Hinata, I've got this all under control. The important part is that the party takes place, I don't really have to be there all the time. I'll check on you and Gaara, and I'll excuse myself every once in a while to check on the party. Kiba's right, everyone wins." Indeed. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Naruto had it all figured out. Not a detail in his carefully elaborated scheme escaped him. Except for one thing...
"And what about your drinking contest with Kankurou?"
"Ohhh! Damn!"
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"Right! From the top," Naruto began, recapitulating his plans for the evening to his team—which consisted of only Kiba and Hinata. Almost seven o' clock, the sun was disappearing between the sand dunes, and the Kazekage's office was filled with a fiery orange glow. Hinata was wearing a dress Naruto had selected for her, ready for her date. If this worked, he'd surely be off the hook. "I go with Hinata and Gaara on their date, while Kiba, you Henge no Jutsu into me and win the drinking competition. Everybody got it?"
"You bet," they replied in unison.
All in all, if the party took place at the Suna administration building—where you could find the Kazekage's office—and Hinata was out on the town with Gaara, nothing could go wrong. On top of that, in the guise of Naruto, Kiba could win the drinking contest, and everything would go back to normal. Sure.
"Gaara-sama is here," Hinata pointed out, looking down the window. "Let's go Naruto-kun."
Both of them rushed down the stairs. It was important to meet Gaara at the door, lest he came in and realized something was afoot. Dating was not Gaara's stock and trade, that's why he was so relieved that Naruto had offered to chaperon. Still, trying to be the perfect gentleman, he brought Hinata a small bouquet of Cosmos, apparently the only flower you could find in Sunagakure.
Naruto frowned as he offered them to the blushing Hinata, imagining that he could of done better. Gaara, you are so lame.
Hinata graciously thanked him as he offered her his arm—surely a stunt learnt from some late movie—and accompanied her for a walk on the town. It seemed as though they hit it off because they suddenly forgot about Naruto's presence and carried on with their conversation. What can a shy girl and psychopathic ex-jinchuuriki have to talk about? Go figure. It even puzzled Naruto to the point that he felt like breaking it off.
Two hours into their date, seated a classy restaurant—Kazekages did not need reservations—Gaara was disgustingly slurping down gizzards, to everyone's growing disgust, while Hinata calmly ate the dry plums she had ordered, desperately trying not to stare. In some respects, Gaara was even more clueless than Naruto.
Not suave, Gaara. Not suave, Naruto thought to himself, wide-eyed at the sight of Gaara's poor dating etiquette. Still convinced he could of done better, his mind drifted towards his party. It would be about time to check on it before Kiba did something terrible in his guise. That bastard could only be trusted so much. "If you'll excuse me for a second, I have...to go to the bathroom," he said as he rushed out of his seat.
Looking up from his food, Gaara spoke, his mouth half-full, "If he was going to the bathroom, why did he just head outside?"
"Errrrr, food poisoning, Gaara-sama?" Hinata answered meekly. Cover-ups weren't her thing.
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"Psssst! Kiba!" Naruto whispered from behind a giant potted plan. He had sneaked in the building, carefully making sure no one saw him. With Kiba taking his place, it would make for an awkward situation if someone noticed two Narutos in the room. "You better behave yourself, you idiot." As if Naruto actually behaved himself in society, let alone in a perverted drink fest.
Yet, his booze-up truly was the bash of the year. Everyone was there partying, living it up—especially Jiraiya who had amassed a large amount of women on his lap. Leaning conspicuously on the wall next to the real Naruto, Kiba spoke up, "Everything's going great. We're all inaugurating your promotion to Kage. Someone even vomited in your office as...a show of love."
"Great, so I guess I can get back to Gaara and Hinata..."
"Oh! On a related matter, Kankurou wanted to up the ante on your drinking bet," Kiba said, his smiling nearly up his ears. Leave it to Kiba to change the rules in mid-play. "And, I agreed in your name."
"You better win in my name, too," Naruto contented himself with stating, completely oblivious to the new terms of his drinking venture. Of course, he knew everyone was right; his resistance to strong alcohol was quasi-nil. Luckily for him, Kiba was there to face off Kankurou—whatever the new game plan was, it did not matter as long Kiba won.
Before he could whisk back to Hinata and her sloppy-eater of a date, Naruto was stopped mid-course by Kankurou, cockily shifting his gaze from Naruto to Kiba, the latter who had suddenly terminated the effects of his cloning Jutsu. Was this all a trap laid by Kiba? Most likely. "Trying to get out of our little bet, eh?" Kankurou looked down on him. Tall man, that Kankurou.
Poor Naruto; trapped and forced to go through with his bet. "Errrrr...no, not really." With that, Kankurou tossed him a large bottle of sake.
"Hope for you sake you win, Naruto," Kiba shouted out as a clamoring crowd began cheering on the contestants. "Because Gaara'll find it mighty suspicious if you end up naked in the streets like last time."
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"Well, I had a nice time tonight," Hinata said as Gaara walked her back to her room.
"I wonder what happened to Naruto, though," he questioned. Something was indeed suspicious. "Or is that him tottering this way?"
If only to confirm Gaara's growing skepticism, Naruto staggered down the street, trolling a rather funny tune about pigs and leprechauns. "Hey hey, it's Gaara," he intoned drunkenly between the verses of his song. So much for keeping a low profile around Gaara. "I think...I lost the bet...damn Kankurou."
"What bet?" Gaara queried sharply, his eyes narrowing in scrutiny. Never piss off a sociopath.
"Ohhh! Naruto bet with Kankurou that he wouldn't get food poisoning by coming to the restaurant with us...I guess he lost," Hinata interjected, a bit skittish about Gaara's reaction. Probably because Hyuuga Hinata was the worst liar the world had ever seen.
"Alright then," Gaara said. Can you believe he bought it? "I'll help you take him home." When it comes to being a gentlemen, one couldn't say Gaara did not try hard.
"Don't worry, I have it covered," she replied, gaining some self-assurance as she realized her story was catching on. "In Konoha, we're all used to him vomiting—and ending up naked in the streets—when he gets food poisoning. Nothing to be alarmed by." With that, she threw Naruto's arm over her shoulder, and waving Gaara goodbye, she took the new Kazekage back to his room.
Day one: crisis averted.
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