Hey, here's the promised continuation of "Just a Guilty Obsession"! It's for all my nice reviewers! I plan on making a sequel for "Just a Shadow", too, so go me! This is a LOT shorter than the first part, btw.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation.

Just a Guilty Obsession Pt. 2

I feel so strange… It's like I'm not here in my apartment anymore. I've wandered into another world, another galaxy. I can't seem to get back yet. I'm still trying to slap myself into understanding my whole self-realization thing I had a few minutes ago. I think I'll just sit here for a few minutes longer, just so I can think properly. I can't come back yet.

So, all this time, Kitazawa has just been a guilty obsession? That's all? THAT is why I hurt Shuichi so much? It's unforgivable. How could I have been so confused? And for awhile, I hadn't even cared, I think… I've been ignoring his pleas for a long time, and I'm finally gonna answer them, I hope.

But…how? How do I tell him that I see him now? I haven't been able to do it before, and I don't know how. Will he even believe me anymore? After all the shit I've put him through, it's amazing he's still breathing. What if he doesn't believe me? What if he's given up, entirely? He'd never do that, right?

…right? Right. Shuichi NEVER gives up. After the rape, he kept kicking. After all the times I left him, he kept kicking. After all the times I kicked him out, he kept kicking. After all the times I've yelled at him, he kept kicking. That's an amazing quality…

Everyone says he's so weak. But they're all wrong. Shuichi is a strong person. He's made of steel, and has a heart of gold. He's unbreakable, almost. He can take all the crap I throw at him, and he still manages to smile and sing, and dance. I wouldn't be able to do that, when I was like him. I would've cracked and ran away. But…he stayed. He's still here, waiting for me to love him. Waiting…

He's just cracking on the inside. No one would really know how much he suffers, no one. He hides it so well. Oh, yeah, he cries and whines about it a lot. But no one believes him. Shuichi cries all the time, about the smallest things. And it's his defense. No one would ever know how hard it is, how bad it hurts, because they don't even know what he's REALLY crying about. If he trips, he'll cry, because it's one of his chances to let out some of the pain of loving a bastard. No one notices what it's really about.

It's about me. I'm so horrible. I've done this to him, an angel… (I'm never going to tell him that, so don't even ask.) I've broken his wings, but he still flies. He flies all the time, even though the wind and the sky is against him. How does he do it? Why does he do it?

Does he really love me that much? How can someone love me that much? HOW? I still don't get it. How can anyone possibly find logic in that? What's there to like about me, never mind love! I'm mean, insensitive, rude, always cranky, always busy, and a zillion other things. And if it's true love for him, which I know it is, he's not looking at how handsome I am, or at least that's why my fans adore me. They're stupid. So, again, why does he love me?

Is there even a reason? Or is he blindly following his heart, no matter what treacheries it takes him to? He's just following what he believes, I guess. It's still bothering me. Maybe I should just pair him up with someone else, like that singer Ryuichi, whom I know is in love with Shuichi. Grr…. Anyways, he'd be happier with that idiot singer. Sakuma wouldn't make him cry, or feel miserable. For once, Shuichi could see clearly that the feeling of love would be mutual, if he went with Ryuichi.

Can I do that? Can I just give him up? Would he leave if I forced him to, like threatening to kill myself? I don't know… Ugh, this is so damn confusing! I just don't want him to cry anymore. Sure, I won't ever hurt him again, or I'll try, but I don't deserve him after this. Shuichi can have anyone in the world, and I want to give it all to him.

I remember all the times tears formed in his violet eyes. And I remember cursing myself every single time. I wanted to apologize, every single time, but I couldn't. I wanted to make him stop crying, but I couldn't. Something was holding me back from truly caring about him, Kitazawa. Kitazawa ruined everything.

No, I did. I had a wonderful lover, and I just ignored him most of the time. I didn't even SEE him for god's sake! But now I do. Now I realize how lucky I am, and how undeserving as well. He's practically an angel for caring about me and helping me out, just to get slapped in the face.

Sadly, I'd love him even if he wasn't with me. I can let him go, if it's for his own good, but I would never move on. Maybe that should be my punishment for being a bastard. Should I seriously tell him to leave, or else? Will he listen? Maybe I'll really have to do the threatening thing. He won't leave otherwise. But…even then, will he truly be happy? He loves me, so can he really just go on with life without any pain or regret? I don't want him to be miserable! What can I do?

I should change, drastically. I have to be nicer, more tolerant and understand, sympathetic, and act happier, and maybe stop smoking. Notice the "maybe" part. Can I do that? Can I do what Shuichi has been doing for me? Will I still be me if I do change? Or will I just be a different person altogether? Even if I try to change, I won't be the nicest person in the world. But I'll try. And maybe that will be enough for him.

Maybe. Will he notice that I see him now? Can he tell these things? He obviously knew when I DIDN'T see him, so I'm guessing he'll notice. I hope. Can I make him happy? What exactly does he want? I know one of the big things is actually seeing him. Another is showing I care. I can do that, right? Right. And I'll have to smile more, that's for sure. I think I can manage that fine. And…another thing is…telling him I…love him… Alright, will I be able to do that? I don't know for sure…but, once again, I'll try. And if it's not enough, I'll make him happy another way.

I have to. I have to make him smile, and have no worries. I have to let him feel like I do whenever he dances and sings, and makes me happy. I have to give it back somehow, or make him happy through others. I can't live with myself if I don't do either. Shuichi deserves the world served to him on a silver plate, literally. Sadly, I can't give him that, but I'm making an effort.

So, what am I supposed to do now? Go over there and hug him, kiss him, tell him stuff? Ugh, this is confusing, and so damn complex! Maybe it's because I've never done it before. Wow, I never knew being nice was so difficult, and…weird… That's sad.

So, I'm finally getting back to reality. The clock ticks as I stare at the couch. I'm standing a few feet behind it. I hear the TV on low. I can't believe Shuichi can hear anything. Or is he just afraid that I'd yell at him if he did? Ouch… Now I feel bad… Well, it's that idiot singer Ryuichi Sakuma anyway. He's probably heard it so many times that he memorized the sound anyways. But that doesn't make it better. No.

I sigh and walk closer to the couch. I'm trembling. Why? Am I afraid that I'll mess up, or just make a fool of myself? What if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he hates me? What if he cries and doesn't believe me? What if…?

Ah, stop worrying, Yuki, I mean Eiri. Nothing will go wrong. He still loves you. He WON'T cry. Everything will be fine! Now, I'll just take some deep breaths. Okay, here I go. I take a few steps forward. And there he is. He's contently watching the TV in silence. It's eerie.

"Uh, Shuichi…," I manage to sputter out. Shuichi looks at me dully. His eyes don't look all violet. They look blank, almost dead. I bite my lip. Is this just the tip of the iceberg as to what I've done to him? I'm pretty sure it is.

"Yeah?" he asks. He doesn't seem interested, but he does turn off the TV. I'm glad. I couldn't concentrate with it on, even though I could barely hear it. "What is it, Yuki?" He's getting impatient, but I really don't know what to do.

So I merely sit next to him silently. He's so surprised and bewildered. I think he's even a bit scared. I'm definitely more scared. I try to stop myself from shaking. It doesn't work. Damn. I think he knows that I'm nervous. I let out a sigh.

"Look, Shuichi…," I whisper hoarsely. I gulp. I can't remember anything right now. How am I, the great Eiri Uesugi, worried? No way. Damn. Shuichi looks at me curiously. He seems to be thinking hard. Finally, he smiles warmly. He looks deep into my eyes, and his smile makes my heart melt. "I…I…l-l-lo…" I feel like shooting myself! Why can't I say it?

Shuichi nods in understanding. He seems to be looking deep inside of me somehow, likes he's examining my soul. He knows that I'm really looking at him, and he seems to have realized something else. And he hugs me softly. He understands, as I do. It's our silent way of showing we care. I hug himback.

Maybe I can't be the perfect boyfriend for him. Maybe I can't change entirely. But he loves me, and wants me here, so I'll stay and try to improve. For him.

I love you Shuichi…

A/N: Wasn't that sweet? lol! Well, hey, I tried. PLEASE REVIEW! TY!