Chapter 38: I've Got to Try, Don't I?
The MSV Strontium Mule had been a walk in the park, almost laughably easy. Hell, if it weren't for how terrified Shepard felt, she would laugh. From the moment she stepped foot on that ship, she knew were every last merc and mech would be, what weapons they'd carry, what tactics they'd use. She knew were every last crate of ammo, element resources, credits, Medi-gel, and tech research would be … she just knew. It wasn't like knowing because Jane fed her memories, or whispered in her ear of what to expect—she just knew; knew it as clearly as she knew her own name, the smell of Anderson's aftershave, the sound of Garrus' voice, and the taste of Grundan Krul's coffee.
Plainly put, the MSV Strontium Mule had been the single most cut and dry run she'd ever been on in her life. Something was different with her, she could see it reflected in the eyes of each one of her squad, right along with the wary way they watched her, waiting to see if she would lose control and become Jane again. She didn't ask, but she'd bet every credit to her name that every one of them carried one of those delightful syringes filled with sedatives—even Tali.
Oh, but it was good to see Tali again, especially to see her so happy with Kal at her side. By the sound of things, Tali accepted Jane with open arms, treating her just the same as she would Shepard. She had to admit, after seeing the way some of her crew looked at her … well, it was nice to know Jane had at least a couple of people she could talk to. Shepard just wished she could talk to Jane now, but she remained decidedly absent, leaving a hole in Shepard's mind and heart she never expected to feel.
She knew Samara could help her find the answers, help her find Jane—if the asari was willing—but she was too afraid of what those answers might be to even ask. So she waited, and kept listening, reaching out to Jane in hopes her impossible companion would respond.
"Jane? Jane are you there? I … I need you. What the hell happened? Where are you?" Shepard whispered, her cabin empty save herself and the ever-present EDI, but still she felt awkward speaking aloud to the voice in her head.
"EDI and Legion think they might have an answer to what happened to you and the others." Scrubbing a hand over her face, she let out a sigh. "They think it might have something to do with the massive amount of energy produced by the Catalyst when you activated the device the first time. Something about it tearing a hole in reality; causing parallel universes to collide or something."
Shepard leaned back in her chair, glancing at EDI's access node. The hologram remained inactive, but Shepard knew EDI was still there; still listening and monitoring everything Shepard said or did, performing constant biometric scans. "Shit, I don't know. It's all a little over my head. I passed their findings on to Mordin. I figured he'd know better than I ever would. I'm sure EDI would tell you all about it herself if … if you'd just say something. Anything."
Licking her lips, she turned her gaze back to her laptop, EDI's report still open on her screen. "She uh, she played some recordings for me. Of things that happened while I was out." Shepard snorted softly, shaking her head. "You were kinda rough on some of the crew. Didn't exactly make things easier for me, Jane. Although, I can't say I'm too surprised … at least not about that." Picking at the corner of her laptop, she swiveled back and forth in her chair. "Something changed for you, though, didn't it? You started acting … different. Nicer. More compassionate. More … collected."
Sighing, she closed the lid on the laptop and pushed away from her desk. "You said they'd found me, Jane. The others were trying to find me … for what? John was keeping me hidden from you though, wasn't he? You were after me, Jane. But not in the end, in the end you were trying to protect me from the rest. So what the hell happened?"
Standing, she paced in the silence for a moment, concern waring with frustration and the longing for that space to be filled once more. "Damn it, Jane! Where the hell are you?" Shepard slammed her palm down on the desk, jarring picture frames and medals.
"Shepard, Jack is on her way to your cabin. Would you like for me to let her in?" EDI's soothing voice filled the room.
Shepard turned to look at the blue hologram and took a cleansing breath. "Yeah, EDI. Let her in."
"Very well, Shepard." EDI's hologram folded in on itself, disappearing as the door to the cabin opened.
The elevator chimed, and a moment later Jack strolled inside. Stopping to tap on Spike's tank, she glanced over her shoulder at Shepard. Forcing a smile on her face, Shepard turned to lean against the desk.
Jack left the tank, taking a few steps closer to Shepard before leaning against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest and one ankle over the other. "We need to talk."
"Alright, I'm listening." Shepard lifted an eyebrow.
"Jane still quiet or whatever?" Jack dropped her arms, her fingers wiggling restlessly at her sides.
"She is." Shepard tilted her head to the side. "You alright, Jack? You look … nervous."
Jack grinned. "Fuck you, Shepard. I don't get nervous."
"If you say so, Jack." Watching Jack squirm did more to relax Shepard than she'd imagine. She knew what Jack wanted to talk about. Between the little displays of affection between her and Garrus, and watching EDI's recordings of the conversations she had with Jane, it wasn't hard to figure out.
"I didn't think this would be so fucking weird." Jack pushed away from the wall, making her way down into the living area of Shepard's cabin.
Shepard followed her, settling down on the couch. "Let me make it easier for you, then. It's alright, Jack."
Jack stopped next to the liquor cabinet and turned to look at Shepard. "He told you?"
Shepard shook her head. "Didn't need to. I've got eyes, Jack, and EDI's been filling me in on everything I missed. Helping me piece together what happened those eleven days."
Jack smirked. "Of course she is. EDI, you snitch."
"If you didn't wish for your conversations to be shared, you should have informed me, Jack." The snark in EDI's voice was unmistakable.
Rolling her eyes, Jack opened the liquor cabinet, pulling out a bottle of rum. "Like that would've done anything."
"She is the commanding officer of this ship. I'm obligated to do as she says, but I value the wishes of all the crew. I would have informed Shepard of your request." EDI paused. "My behavioral analysis algorithms suggest an eighty-seven point six percent likelihood Shepard would have respected your request for privacy."
Jack glanced at Shepard.
Lifting her shoulder in a shrug, Shepard flashed Jack a smug smile. "Guess we'll never know now. Sorry Jane drank all the vodka. We'll get more the next chance we get."
"Whatever." Shrugging, Jack lifted the bottle to her lips while crossing the room. Plopping down on the couch, she threw her legs up and eyed Shepard. "I wanted to be the one to tell you. I guess I felt I owed it to you or some shit. I know the two of you are cool with seeing other people, so I didn't expect it to be an issue or whatever, but …."
"But you love him, and that's new for you." Shepard turned to sit sideways on the couch, pulling her knee up and draping her arm over the back.
Jack looked down at the bottle resting on her thigh, picking at the label with her thumbnail. "I don't know. I mean, what the fuck is love anyhow?" She took another drink from the bottle. "Doesn't matter anyway. He loves you, and I'm not trying to stand in the way of you two."
Shepard chuckled, shaking her head. "Oh, Jack. What makes you think he can't love us both?"
"Never works that way in the vids." Jack snorted. "Two people fall in love and spend the rest of their lives together, just the two of them or some stupid shit." She shook her head. "I don't want none of that anyway. Being married. Having kids. God I hate kids."
Shepard choked back a laugh, knowing damn well Jack would one day be willing to completely risk life and limb for the kids at Grissom Academy. "What do you want, Jack?"
"Fuck, Shepard! I don't know. Why are we even having this conversation? This isn't why I came in here. I just needed you to know, alright?" Jack dropped her feet to the floor, leaning forward, resting her elbows on her knees.
"You're right. This is a conversation you should be having with him. But I know you well enough to know you feel safer having it with me." Shepard held up a hand, stopping Jack from retorting. "I know. I know. Safe wasn't the best choice of words, don't go getting all 'I'm a badass bitch' on me. You get what I'm saying."
Jack leaned back against the couch, watching Shepard in silence. "Shit. I've really got to be the galaxy's biggest bitch, don't I? What the fuck am I even doing here? You've got all this crazy shit going on in your head and here I am throwing this shit at you." She shook her head. "How do you even do all of this? I mean, damn, Alliance, how have you not just said fuck it all and bailed on all of this?"
Shepard smirked. "Don't think I don't know an evasive maneuver when I see one, Jack. I'll let it slide, though. But really, you should talk to Garrus. Tell him what you're feeling." Shepard moved to the edge of the couch and picked up the bottle of rum, taking a swig. "The reapers are coming, Jack. Where would I go? There isn't going to be any place still safe. Besides," Shepard said, tapping the side of her head, "I've got to figure all this out or I'm just going to be another voice in some other Shepard's head."
"Right." Jack chuckled, grabbing at empty air, silently asking for the bottle back.
Shepard passed it back to her. "I know, you don't believe me. You will. They all do in the end."
"Sorry to interrupt, Shepard. You wished for me to inform you when we've reached ETA two hours from twenty-one eighty-one Despoina." EDI's voice broke through the quite that settled in over the two women.
"Thanks, EDI. Call everyone to the comm room." Shepard stood, taking the bottle from Jack and putting the cap back on it. "Go on down, Jack. I'll be down in a minute."
Jack nodded, making her way up the stairs. Shepard put the bottle back in the liquor cabinet, letting out a heavy sigh when she heard the cabin door open and close. Running her hands through her hair, she pulled it back in a low ponytail. She spent a few minutes straightening her desk, giving her crew a chance to make their way to the comm room, and giving her a chance to order her thoughts. Taking another deep breath, she picked up a datapad and tucked it under her arm on her way out.
"Are you well, Shepard?" EDI's hologram popped up next to Shepard as she waited for the elevator.
"I'll be alright, EDI." Shepard turned her head, smiling over her shoulder at the hologram.
EDI softened her tone, lowering her volume. "Biometric scans are showing high levels of stress response."
Shepard chuckled, amused that the AI showed concern through inflection even though she still hadn't acknowledged she was beginning to feel emotion. She let out another sigh, and stepped inside the elevator when the doors opened. "I'm not sure if this will work, EDI. The leviathans were hard enough to convince with the reapers beating down their front door … I'm going down there to try and convince them of something entirely different, and they may just laugh in my face."
"Is leviathan cooperation vital to the war?" EDI asked.
Shepard leaned against the elevator wall, pursing her lips and crossing her arms over her chest. Sucking her teeth, she shook her head. "No. Not really. They're strong, and it certainly helps, but we can do it without them."
"I am not sure I understand your concern, Shepard." Confusion colored EDI's voice.
Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Shepard tilted her head back to look at the ceiling. "What if … what if the leviathans can stop The Intelligence, without my ever having to activate the Crucible? What if we can stop the war before it even really begins? What if I don't have to die there, EDI?"
The elevator stopped and the doors slid open.
Shepard glanced at Kelly standing a few feet away, and stepped out of the elevator. "We'll talk about it later. Thanks, EDI."
EDI's hologram sprung to life just outside of the elevator's door. "For what, Shepard? I offered you no solutions, nothing to aid you in your mission."
Shepard smirked. "Sometimes, the best thing anyone can do is just listen."
"I am always listening," EDI said.
Shepard's smile widened. "I know EDI, but it's different when you make a point to ask someone what's bothering them and then listen to them when they tell you about it."
"Shepard's right, EDI," Kelly said over her shoulder, "listening is a huge part of psychotherapy. It can be very cathartic for clients to simply be allowed to give voice to their thoughts and emotions. I can recommend a few books for you, if you're interested."
"I am interested, thank you, Yeoman Chambers," said EDI.
Kelly smiled, turning around completely to take a few steps closer to Shepard and EDI's access node. She dropped her voice, whispering. "EDI, I know your shackles are off. We all do, the Illusive Man notified all Cerberus personnel when it happened. You can call me Kelly, if you want."
Shepard shifted; her spine stiffening as she glanced around the CIC. "He did? Miranda and Jacob never said anything."
"How odd." Kelly glanced at Shepard. "Perhaps he assumed you'd already told them? I don't understand why you felt the need to keep it a secret, Commander, but the Illusive Man gave us orders to not press you on the subject." Kelly lifted her shoulder in a shrug. "I hope you don't mind that I brought it up, I wasn't trying to question your decision; I just wanted to make EDI more comfortable."
Shepard fought the urge to narrow her eyes, instead plastering a smile on her face. "I don't mind. Thanks Kelly. I better get in there, they're waiting." Shepard took a few steps away before stopping and turning back to EDI's access node. "Oh, EDI, tell Joker I'm going to need him to get off his lazy ass and come to the comm room, too."
"Should I use those exact words, Shepard?" EDI asked.
Shepard grinned. "Absolutely." She left EDI and Kelly, making her way through the tech labs to the comm room.
Everyone save Grunt, Zaeed, and Joker were present and accounted for, talking quietly amongst themselves when Shepard entered. All eyes turned to her as she took her place at the table, settling the datapad down in front of her.
She glanced around. "EDI, while we wait for the others, please pull up what we have on Despoina."
A holographic star chart appeared above the table, zeroing in on Siguard's Cradle, then further still on the Psi Tophet system. The door opened, and Joker hobbled inside, casting Shepard an annoyed glance. She grinned at him as he made his way to the table, leaning against it for support.
"James," Shepard said, glancing at the marine standing next to the door, "would you mind snagging Joker a chair from Mordin's lab?"
"Sure thing, Ídolo." James turned to the door.
"And better not touch anything else; Mordin may tranquilize you or something if you do." Shepard grinned at Mordin when he sniffed indignantly.
"Have no reason to tranquilize, will just shoot." Mordin blinked twice, his tone completely void of humor.
Shepard winked at him, knowing damn well he was merely playing the role of an indifferent sociopath.
James paused, looking back and forth between Shepard and Mordin. "Uhhh."
Jacob laughed, patting James on the shoulder. "Better just grab a stool from my station."
"Right." James left, shaking his head and mumbling to himself about the 'loco salarian.'
Grunt and Zaeed walked in seconds before James returned. Once Joker was settled on the stool, glaring at Shepard with only marginally less annoyance, she turned her attention back to the display.
"Go ahead, EDI." Shepard nodded her head at EDI's access node.
"The Psi Tophet system has yet to be explored fully. The existence of three planets has been discovered via probes sent into the system, though no further exploration has taken place." EDI zoomed the star chart in on the blue planet. "Our destination is the first planet from the system's star. It's called twenty-one eighty-one Despoina. Scans indicated, and it has been confirmed by Shepard, to be an oceanic planet with a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere."
"There will be no place for the Normandy to land," Shepard said, taking over the briefing, "and even if there were, it is completely unsafe for the Normandy to get too close to Despoina." She turned her attention to Joker. "You'll need to keep the Normandy as far away as is possible and still be in radio range, you should keep the stealth systems engaged if possible."
"Are you expecting the Normandy to come under fire, Commander?" Joker rested his elbows on the table, the crease in his brow deepening.
"We can't overlook the possibility. This trip is being made under entirely different circumstances than other times." Shepard splayed her palms out on the table, glancing around the room, meeting the gaze of everyone present before settling back on Joker. "The species I'm going down there to talk with have worked very hard, for a very long time, to stay hidden from the rest of the galaxy and won't be happy to see me. At the very least, I do know they have some method of sending out an EMP capable of knocking ships out of the atmosphere, but I don't know the extent of its range."
"Shit." Joker grumbled, running his hand over his face.
Shepard grimaced, knowing she'd just ruined Joker's day. "We'll be going down in a shuttle, and it's quite likely that pulse will be turned on us. In the past, I went down in an Alliance Kodiak with Steve Cortez as pilot."
"Esteban?" James perked up, leaning forward on the table next to Joker.
Shepard nodded in response, opening her mouth to continue.
"Hey, you know he was on Fehl Prime, right?" James raised his eyebrow. "Why didn't you say anything?"
Shepard sucked in a deep breath, letting it out in a huff, her bangs fluttering. "We can discuss Cortez later. Now's really not the time, Vega." Shepard waved her hand, indicating the gathered crowd waiting patiently for her to continue.
James pushed away from the table and rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh, right. Sorry guys."
Kasumi giggled, reaching out to drag her hand along James' arm. "Awww. You're so cute when you're embarrassed."
James grinned at Kasumi, waggling his eyebrows. Shepard cleared her throat before he could say something undoubtedly inappropriate for the moment. Everyone turned their attention back to her.
"As I was saying, the Kodiak got hit by the pulse and we were grounded on a wrecked ship, the MSV Monarch. Cortez is one of the best pilots around—" Shepard paused to glare at Joker when he snorted. "And it wasn't easy for him to get us landed once that pulse hit."
"I can land us, Commander." James crossed his arms over his chest.
"You're sure, James?" Shepard crossed her own arms, leaning her weight back on one hip.
"Sure." James lifted his shoulders in a shrug. "The landing might not be as pretty as Esteban's, but I'll look better doing it." He grinned, winking at Shepard. "I spent a lot of downtime with Esteban, helping him work on the vehicles and taking them for test runs. I know the Alliance's Kodiaks well, and I'm willing to bet Cerberus' won't be much different."
Garrus chuffed. "You realize if you fail, we all end up in the water, right? Turian's don't swim, Vega."
"Hey, don't worry, Plates, I got this." James flashed Garrus a cocky grin.
"Plates? Seriously, Vega, that's the best you could come up with?" Garrus' mandibles fluttered.
Shepard held a hand up, silencing them both. "OK, James will fly the shuttle. At the very least, I know he knows how to crash one with precision." Shepard grinned, enjoying the confused look from James and the concerned looks from everyone else. "Now, the leviathans have taken refuge deep beneath the water. The Monarch will have what we need to repair the shuttle, and a Triton ADS. Because we're hitting Despoina early, I don't anticipate any hostile activity aboard the Monarch, but we'll be prepared anyway. While the ground team repairs the shuttle, I'll take the Triton into the water."
Garrus cleared his throat. "Alone?"
Shepard nodded. "Alone."
"So, what are these leviathan, exactly?" Lia asked, stepping closer to the table.
"EDI, please pull up archived images of Sovereign." Glancing at the hologram of Sovereign now floating over the table, Shepard picked up the datapad, running her fingers over the screen. "Can you transmit this to everyone's omni-tools?"
"As you wish, Shepard." EDI said.
A moment later, omni-tools began pinging all around the room.
"I typed up a report, detailing everything I can remember about the leviathans. I suggest you familiarize yourselves with it before we leave; even those of you who aren't going down." She turned her attention back to the hologram. "In the meantime, I'll give you the short story. The leviathans are an ancient species, older than anything we've ever encountered before. They dominated the galaxy, using some sort of indoctrination ability to control other species, forcing them to pay tribute."
Shepard cleared her throat, glancing down at the datapad still in her hand. "The other species created synthetic life, which later turned on their makers." She forced herself not to look at the quarian's in the room, hearing them shift around. "After seeing this cycle repeated, the leviathan created their own synthetic life, an AI they referred to as The Intelligence. They tasked this AI with preserving life at all cost, and set it to observe the behaviors of the other species to gather information about them and the synthetics they created."
Shepard sat the datapad down and glanced back up at Sovereign. "The Intelligence eventually decided the leviathans themselves were part of the problem, and in order to fulfill its task of preserving life at all cost … it began the first harvest, killing leviathans and storing their DNA in the first reaper—Harbinger, the same reaper now leading the collectors against us." She pointed up at the hologram hovering over the table. "Harbinger, just like Sovereign and all of the other reapers until now, were created in the leviathan's image."
The quite gasps and murmurs already filling the room grew in intensity. Shepard took a step back, giving her crew a moment to soak it all in.
"What do you mean 'until now'?" Grundan Krul spoke up, his normally quiet voice rising above the din.
Shepard moved back to the table; all eyes on her once more. "The collectors are taking human colonists because they are using them to build a humanoid reaper. The report I had EDI send you will also detail what I know about the collectors and the reapers."
"Why change their pattern now? Why humans?" Grundan Krul focused his gaze on the reaper hologram.
Shepard took a deep breath and shook her head. "I honestly don't know. When we destroy the human-reaper, EDI speculated the reapers shape each new reaper to look like the species they used to create it, but for whatever reason weren't able to complete a prothean-reaper. That being said, when the reapers come en masse, all I saw looked like Sovereign." She pointed up at Sovereign. "Maybe it's because I pissed them off enough succeeding in leading the galaxy against Sovereign." She shrugged. "The human-reaper isn't the finished product by far, maybe in the end it would look like Sovereign, too … the human part just at the core or something. Your guess is as good as mine."
"So these assholes—these leviathans—created this whole bloody mess and have—what?—just hid their heads in the sand and let it happen all this goddamn time?" Zaeed shuffled forward, nudging Kal and Jacob aside to press his palms into the table and stare down Shepard. "And you want to go down there and aske the sonsofbitches for help? Are you out of your goddamn mind? I say we nuke the shit out of the planet and blow those bastards to hell."
Shepard sighed as the room broke out in a cacophonous mix of arguments for and against blowing up Despoina, as well as whether or not it was a good idea to seek the aid of the leviathans. Shepard held up her hand, sighing again when no one seemed to notice. "Alright. Alright. Quiet down," she said, but still the noise continued.
A sharp whistle cut through the chaos as efficiently as the report of a gun. The room instantly fell silent, all eyes turning to James. Dropping his fingers from his mouth, he grinned at Shepard and nodded.
Shepard chuckled. "Thank you, James." She turned her attention back to the room. "We're not blowing up Despoina, and yes, I'm going to go down there and ask them to help clean up the mess they created. This isn't a democracy; it isn't up for vote, although your opinions have been noted."
Zaeed scoffed, shaking his head as he pushed off of the table, moving back to lean against the wall.
Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose. "Tali and Garrus, I want you two there to repair the shuttle. James, you'll be piloting. Mordin and Miranda, there's a good chance I'll need medical attention when I resurface. You'll also be needed to help James protect Garrus and Tali while they work on the shuttle if we get any hostile visitors. EDI give us all a twenty-minute warning before it's time to head out. Dismissed."
Shepard watched as all but Garrus and Thane shuffled out of the room, still whispering to each other about the leviathans. Turning, she pushed herself up on the edge of the table, letting her legs dangle. Thane and Garrus moved around the table, closing in on her, both with tight expressions.
"What aren't you telling us?" Garrus stopped next to Shepard's left side, arms crossed over his chest. "You said you might need medical attention. What the hell happens down there?"
Shepard sucked her teeth. "The leviathans have a way of getting inside your head, almost like an asari's meld, but more forceful. They haven't hurt me too bad before, just a nose bleed and exhaustion, but I don't know how things are going to go this time."
Garrus hissed, turning to pace away from Shepard. "Spirits. Shepard, are you sure this is worth it?"
Letting the cold edge of determination seep into her voice, she said, "I am." She bit the inside of her cheek, debating with herself on whether or not she should tell him just how helpless she'd be down in the depths of Despoina; how easily the leviathans could kill her if they wanted to, or how they'd be far more interested in keeping her as their pet than killing her.
Thane reached out, tracing his fingers along her jaw. "Siha, what is it?"
Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath, shaking her head. "It's nothing."
"Shepard?" Garrus pressed.
"The circumstances are different this time; the reapers aren't hot on my trail. The leviathans might not be as willing to listen to me." Shepard lifted her shoulder, trying to downplay her concerns, knowing it was pointless with those two.
"You think you'll have to fight them?" Garrus' mandibles flared, sniffing the air around her.
Shepard snorted and shook her head. "There isn't any fighting them, not down there in a beat up old mech surrounded by enough water to crush the life out of me. Not with them able to force their way into my head and kill me with a thought." She could feel the anger rolling off of Garrus in thick, sickening waves, boring a hole straight through her chest. "I've got a plan."
"It better be a damn good one," he rumbled, his subvocals sounding strained.
"They've spent millennia in hiding, watching the rest of the galaxy through these artifacts of theirs. Using those they enthrall to erase all signs of their existence. The last thing they want is to be found, but they can't hide from me. And since I know where they are, I can use that fact to my advantage." Shepard pushed off the table, tucking her hands behind her back. "If I don't return, I gave EDI the order to broadcast the location of the leviathan out into deep space, telling the reapers exactly where they're hiding. Then, she'll send out a report to every species' government telling them of the leviathan's crimes and where they can be found."
"What if they don't believe you?" Garrus crossed his arms, dropping his weight to one hip.
"They'll be inside my head; I won't be able to lie," Shepard said.
Thane coughed gently into his fist. "What about Jane and the others?"
"I don't know. I haven't heard anything from Jane since I woke up. I'm … I'm not even sure she's still there." She fought back the twitch of her lips threatening to pull her mouth down into a frown. "Look, I know you two are worried. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not, but it needs to be done and I've got the best chance of getting it done. I'm not just asking them to fight in the war; I'm asking them to stop the war before we get in too deep. They created The Intelligence, and we've got time still, maybe they can come up with a way to stop it before the reapers arrive."
"You …." Garrus' mandibles flared, hope filling his voice. "You think they can do that?"
"Maybe." Shepard lifted her shoulders. "I've got to try, don't I?"