Chapter 52: What it Means to be a Soldier

"Shepard, you were gone with Tali and Kal before I'd even heard you arrived." Admiral Zaal'Koris crossed his arms on the vid screen. "How disappointing, I hoped to show you around. I wanted you to see how much progress we've already made with Ket'yah."

"Maybe he's learned how to play that instrument instead of making people's ears bleed." Jane seemed to smirk, her tone light.

Shepard started to snort in response, but schooled the urge and its accompanying smile for the admiral's sake. "Sorry, Zaal." She dropped her weight to one hip and crossed her own arms loosely over her chest. "I would've loved to, but the clock is running out. Intel suggests the collectors are moving on Earth, I've got to get through the Omega 4 relay and take out their base. The Alliance is going to have their hands full, but I've done all I can for them for the time being."

"I see." His voice took on a somber tone as he leaned forward, pressing his fingertips to the console in front of him. He shook his head and held her gaze, eyes nothing but white slashes behind his mask. "Here I am rambling on about Rannoch when you're own homeworld is in danger. Forgive me, Shepard. How can I help?"

She gave him a lopsided smile. "You've got enough on your plate, Zaal. You're making history, you know. Bringing your people back together with the geth and rebuilding Rannoch. You just keep doing what you're doing, and make sure your people are ready when the reapers show up."

"He'd probably send ships to Earth if you asked," Jane said, sounding more like an observation than a suggestion.

Shepard thought, "Yeah, but between the Alliance and whatever help Fedorian decides to send—and I'd put credits on him sending ships—things are desperate enough for us to risk losing quarians in favor of the quarian-geth reunion."

Zaal lowered his gaze, staring at his feet for a moment before looking up again. "We will be, Shepard, you have my word. Keelah se'lai."

"Keelah se'lai." She ended the call and took a deep breath. "EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?" The reflection of the blue glow of EDI's hologram danced on the glass of the display case.

Turning her head, she looked at the AI's access point. "Set coordinates for the reaper, it's time we get the IFF. Put in a call to the Illusive Man on the QEC, then have everyone meet me in the comm room in fifteen."

"Right away, Shepard."

She took a moment to steady herself, adjusting her ponytail and smoothing down the shirt of her uniform before leaving her cabin. She stepped into the elevator and hit the button for the CIC. As soon as the door opened, Kelly informed her the Illusive Man waited for her on the QEC. Nodding her head at the yeoman, she turned toward the tech labs and made her way inside. She stopped at the research terminal—taking a passive-aggressive pleasure in making the Illusive Man wait on her a little bit longer—and gave the greenlight on several projects before heading to the comm room.

The table lowered into the floor as she walked in, and she stepped into the QEC, squaring her shoulders and lifting her chin as the holographic grid rose up around her. The Illusive Man came into view, standing just a few feet away, his signature lit cigarette and tumbler in hand.

"Commander." He took a long drag from his cigarette, the blue glow of his eyes zeroing in on her. "I'm surprised, I didn't expect you to seek me out for this conversation. You always seem so put out whenever we speak. Threatened to kill me, even." Turning his back on her, undoubtedly to symbolically tell her that she didn't intimidate him, he strolled over to his chair, tapping his cigarette in the ashtray before draining his glass and setting it down. "I asked to speak to you days ago, but I was informed you were on bedrest. I'm glad to see you're back on your feet."

"Not a threat, but a promise. A fact," said Jane.

Ignoring both his disregard for the very real threat she posed him and his obvious attempt to fish for more information on her physical status, Shepard shifted her weight, spreading her legs shoulder length apart and crossed her arms. "I've acquired intel suggesting the collectors are headed toward Earth, did you know about this?"

"I believe you mean your new Shadow Broker acquired the intel, and no, Shepard, I didn't know. I assumed the eventuality of a strike against Earth, but I no more knew how soon it'd happen than it appears you did." He paced back toward her, taking a drag from his cigarette and blowing the smoke toward her. "Which is surprising, I thought Jane kept you informed on these matters."

"I hate hearing him say my name. I'd say it's physically repulsive, but …." Jane made a rolling, phlegmy sound, and Shepard almost felt it in the back of her throat.

"Things have changed since her time." Shepard resisted the urge to close her eyes and pinch the bridge of her nose, wishing Mr. Jack Harper would stick to the topic so they might wrap up the conversation and let her get the hell out of there. "As they should. I've been busting my ass to make sure things work out differently this time around."

"I certainly hope this isn't what you had in mind." He waved his hand. "However, I must commend you on your decision to replace the Shadow Broker. I would've prefered it if you'd consulted with me first, of course, at least given me the chance to convince you it'd be a mistake to place a batarian into such a powerful position."

Jane snorted. "And by that, he really means he wished you'd let him put Cerberus in charge of the Shadow Broker."

"Really, Shepard," the Illusive Man said, his voice taking on a patronizing tone, "I know you and I don't see eye to eye on much, but with your history with the batarians, I didn't think I'd need to explain to you, of all people, how much of a threat they are to humanity."

Keeping a neutral face, she let out a slow, silent breath. "I trust Grundan Krul, and he's already been an immense help. He's committed to helping us win this war."

"I hope you're right, but what happens once the war has ended?" The Illusive Man shifted his weight, sliding one foot out and to the side a little before folding his arm around himself to brace his elbow in his palm, lit cigarette held in the air near his mouth.

She sucked in a deep breath and forced a smile on her face. "I wouldn't know, we've never lived to see the other side." She shrugged, as if her probable death in the war didn't matter to her in the slightest. "But I suspect the entire galaxy will have far more to worry about than the Shadow Broker."

"You should remind him that he won't be around to see it, either," Jane said.

The Illusive Man took another drag from his cigarette, his gaze appraising. "You're headed to the derelict reaper."

Shepard gave him a curt nod. "We need the IFF if we're going to make it through the relay."

"I'm glad to see you're staying on course." He turned, pacing back toward his chair. "I was afraid you might decide to head to Earth instead."

"I've informed the Alliance, the Normandy won't make much of a difference with the Alliance fleets at the ready, and I'm sure you know I'm wanted by the Council." She waved her hand, brushing aside the notion. "Showing up in the Earth Systems Alliance Space in such a blatant display would force the Alliance's hand, they'd have to either turn me over or risk our alliance with the Council." She shook her head. "I won't ask that of them, and I can't risk incarceration before the collector base is dealt with." She sucked in a deep breath. "Will you be sending Cerberus forces to Earth space?"

Tapping the ashes off his cigarette, he turned and sat down, crossing an ankle over the opposite knee. "Earth won't fall, Shepard. Not to the collectors." He paused, adding emphasis to his next statement. "Not while I draw breath."

Jane scoffed, her derision nearly palpable. "Does he think that'll save his life?"

"Well, that was fantastically ambiguous. I don't have anything else to report, so I'll let you get back to killing your lungs and liver while you sit in the dark, trying to appear all powerful and mysterious." She turned ready to step out of the QEC.

"Shepard?"

She stopped and looked over her shoulder, eyebrow raised.

"Cerberus can make those charges disappear, all I ask is for you to stop fighting me." He took a short drag from his cigarette, his next words floating out on a cloud of smoke. "Work with me, Shepard, not against me, and together we can solve this resurrection problem of yours and find a way to stop the reapers before they arrive."

"No thanks. I'd rather keep my soul. I'll have Chambers let you know when the IFF is installed and we're headed for the relay." She stepped out of the QEC, and moved out of the way of the table, waiting for it to raise into place.

"Do you … do you think he can? Solve our 'resurrection problem?'" Hope and a hint of fear floated just on the edges of Jane's words.

"Not a chance," Shepard said aloud, "But even if he could, we've seen what the Illusive Man and Cerberus thinks of as acceptable risks and losses with their experiments. We know what lengths he's willing to go to for advancement. He'd just as soon tear us back a part to study us than help … or run torturous experiments on an entire colony in an attempt to save us."

A moment later the door opened and her crew started making their way in, Mordin first, followed by Miranda and Jacob. A minute later, Thane arrived, Garrus at his side. Thane's hand hovered just behind the turian's back without making contact. It didn't surprise her to see Garrus insisted on attending the meeting, no matter what she or Dr. Chakwas said, but at least he'd recovered enough to be dressed and walking on his own. Still, he seemed unsteady on his feet, and she was glad to see Thane there, offering him the support if he needed it.

Garrus made his way to stand at Shepard's right, and Thane took up position on his other side, sandwiching Garrus in between the two of them. She wrapped her arm around Garrus' waist and gave him an affectionate squeeze. Draping his arm over her shoulders, he leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers before touching his mouth to the same spot. She clung to him as the others arrived, using him to hold herself up as much as offering him support, pulling a little of his weight onto her shoulders.

With everyone besides Kasumi present and accounted for, Shepard cleared her throat and tucked both hands behind her back, signaling the start of the meeting. Garrus took half a step away from her, and laid his palms on the table, his attention, just like everyone else's, riveted on her.

"EDI, please show us the intel we have on the derelict reaper," Shepard said, and immediately images began appearing above the center of the table. "Thank you, EDI. We've supplemented the images with Jane's memories, including the path you'll need to take through the Cerberus ship and into the reaper itself to get to the IFF."

"Once inside the reaper, kinetic barriers will activate and you'll need to destroy the mass effect drive core in order to escape." She pointed her finger at the holographic image, tracing the path to the drive core. "Do not do this until you are ready to leave, as it will cause the reaper to fall into the star it's orbiting. The reaper will throw every troop it still has available at you to try to keep you from taking out the drive core. Once you've done it, though, you'll need to double time it to the exit."

She took a moment to meet the gazes of everyone around the table before settling on James. "I asked EDI to mark points of interest—consoles, research data, weapons, whatever—along the path, and attach descriptions of the enemies you'll be facing. She'll be forwarding it to your omni-tool, James. You'll be leading this mission. I won't be joining you, but I will remain in contact. Kasumi and Garrus are likewise exempt from this mission, obviously."

He nodded, just one, quick jerk of his head, face grim and serious. "Yes, Commander."

"In addition to obtaining the reaper IFF, you'll be helping Legion to gather whatever information he needs from the reaper to help his people. Jane first encountered Legion on the derelict reaper while he was studying the reaper's hardware." She looked at Legion. "I'm not really sure what you were looking for there, or what you learned, but it helped you to determine there's a way to either destroy or rewrite the heretics; preventing them from using the reaper virus to force the conversion of the geth."

Turning her attention back to the floating image of the reaper, she delivered the next piece of information with as much aplomb as she could manage, "In other times, the quarians attack the geth in an attempt to retake Rannoch while the reapers are invading the rest of the galaxy. Their actions force the geth into a position where they need to accept the aid offered by the reapers in order to survive. If we rewrite the heretics, it only gives us more heretic forces to fight later. If we destroy them, we still have heretic forces to fight, but not as many."

"Genocide or enslavement?" Lia asked, her voice nearly frantic until Tali put a hand on her shoulder. "Those are our only options?"

"It would not be enslavement, Creator Vael. Once the code of the heretics reverted back to the code of the geth, they would be geth." Legion's plates fluttered around his optics. "Their memories would become a part of the Consensus, but they would not be forced to remain with the Geth Consensus if they decided to remove themselves."

"All moral debates on whether or not it's more appropriate to rewrite the heretics against their will or kill them, I believe we have sufficiently changed the course of the future regarding the quarians and the geth," Shepard said, putting an end to the side talk for the time being. "The quarians don't need to attack the geth to reclaim Rannoch, the geth won't need to turn to the reapers for their survival." She glanced at Legion. "The decision will be yours to make, you have more time to consider the options now and come to a consensus this time."

Plates fluttering, Legion dipped his head. "Yes, Shepard-Commander."

"James, I'll give you some time to review the information before you choose your team. I suggest taking at least one biotic with you, there are a lot of long drops, and the husks and abominations will be attacking from those points. Biotic abilities able to force them back over the edge to fall to their deaths are quite useful. Come find me if you have any questions. Dismissed." She watched as people started toward the door, her attention snagging on Jack's hurried gait. "Jack, stick around a minute."

Jack's shoulders slumped and she hung her head, giving it a shake before slinking off to the corner. Leaning against the wall, she kept her gaze away from Garrus as Thane led him from them room, but Shepard knew the woman well enough to pick out the storm of emotions brewing behind her mask of 'I don't give a fuck'. Anger. Guilt. Shame. Doubt. Self-loathing.

Shepard waited out the crowd, letting the room clear of everyone but her and Jack. She pulled herself up on the edge of the table and glanced over her shoulder at the biotic. Finally, Jack looked up and met her gaze, her lips pressed tight, ready for a fight.

Lifting the corner of her mouth in a smirk, Shepard cocked an eyebrow and held Jack's gaze. "I'm tired, Jack. Don't make me kick your ass just to prove I can. Come sit with me."

Jack scoffed, but the fire in her eyes dwindled. She shook her head and glanced off to the side. "Fuck you, Shepard."

"Yeah, yeah, fuck me. Come sit with me anyway." Shepard patted the table next to her and waited.

After a moment, Jack let out a throaty, exasperated sigh and rolled her eyes, pushing herself off the wall. Moving around the table, she pulled herself up next to Shepard, bracing one boot on the edge, throwing an arm out over the bent knee and letting the other leg dangle over the edge. "What do you want, Shepard?"

"She's not going to want to hear this, but if it helps, I think she'll listen," Jane said. "You and Garrus have really gotten through to her. Your opinion matters to her, even if she doesn't like it."

Taking in a deep breath, Shepard held Jack's gaze. "For you to be quiet and listen for a minute. Just listen, because I'm only going to say this once: what happened to Garrus on the Shadow Broker's ship isn't your fault."

Jack scowled, lips pulling back from her teeth as if the very idea she might blame herself was utterly revolting. "I know—"

Shepard cut her off with a sharp, warning glare. Mouth snapping closed, the muscles in her jaw worked overtime, flexing and relaxing before flexing again as she ground her teeth together. The fire in her eyes worked its way back into a roaring flame.

"I love you, Jack," Shepard said and shook her head, "but you're being an asshole."

Jack scoffed, loud and rumbling, her lip and nose twitching with a barely contained snarl. But she stayed quiet.

"I put Garrus in charge of the mission, which meant it was his job, his duty to pull all of your asses back out of there. Yes, he loves you, and whether either of you like it or not, it means he's going to be naturally inclined to be willing to risk more for your safety than he might for others." Shepard sighed and shook her head again. "But I know Garrus. I know Garrus better than I've ever known anyone else—in all of my lifetimes. He would've done the same for anyone under his command because it's who he is; a natural leader and damn good at it, despite the flak he gives himself."

"And he'd never be able to return to you if he lost someone because he didn't give it his all." Jane sounded wistful as she added, "No Garrus Vakarian, no matter how different … steadfast and loyal to the end. He's better than anything else this galaxy has to offer when it comes to putting your faith in someone. Even if he doesn't like me so much these days, he's still the best damn friend I've ever had."

Shepard shifted a little, pulling one of her legs up on the table to face Jack more squarely. "Now you can spend the rest of your life reliving that moment over and over again, convincing yourself if you'd just been two feet further away, he wouldn't have needed to do what he did. If you'd just turned at the right time, you'd be the one laid up in the med bay instead of him." She pulled her shoulders up high, nearly touching her ears and held them for a couple of seconds before letting them drop again. "Maybe you're telling yourself he's stupid for risking himself for you, stupid for anyone to risk themselves for someone else … for you. Maybe you're angry at him for getting hurt, angry with yourself because he wouldn't be hurt if you weren't in the wrong place at the wrong time. You're smarter than all that shit, Jack, and you've been with this crew long enough to know it's not how shit works."

"His heart stopped." Jack's voice broke and she turned her face away from Shepard, looking toward the door. "He fucking died, and I didn't know how to help him. I had to watch that fucking Cerberus Barbie Doll do what I couldn't. And now he's all fucked up, maybe for the rest of his life."

"Will you tell her I said it doesn't matter?" Jane asked, and so Shepard did, relaying her words. "He's alive and so is she. That's what counts at the end of a mission. If one falls, the team does their best to get him back up, doesn't matter what took him down, or who's the one to get him standing again. And if they can't, if he's down for good, they mourn him together and never let his memory die. It's what being a team is, what it means to be a soldier."

"I'm not a soldier." Jack shook her head. "Just some crazy bitch with powerful biotics and a will to survive no matter what. No one trained me for any of this shit."

"We're all soldiers in this war, we have to be. No matter our training." Shepard wanted to remind Jack the collectors and the reapers didn't discriminate between soldier and civilian, but it wasn't really relevant to the current conversation. "I wouldn't have known what to do for him any better than you. If Miranda or Mordin hadn't been there with me, I damn sure would've tried, but who knows how it might've turned out. Miranda was there, though, and you can bet your ass I'd have gotten the hell out of her way and deferred to her command if she told me to do something to help save him."

She watched as Jack rubbed at her face, still turned away, and let the silence linger for a moment. "If I'd been there instead of Garrus, I'd have done the same damn thing, Jack. Only I'd probably be hurt worse—I don't have built in conductive plating and I'm full of cybernetics. Anyway, it was the right thing to do. And I'd like to think if it were me laying up there in the med bay instead of Garrus, you'd at least come check on me, even if for nothing else than to tell me how stupid I am."

Jane chuckled. "Sounds about right, and we'd know it just meant she cared."

Jack snorted and rubbed her face again but still didn't look at Shepard.

Sliding down from the table, Shepard moved to stand in front of Jack and put her hands on the hurting woman's shoulders. She kept her voice low and soft when she said, "But you're not even giving him that much, and he deserves far better. So suck it up and stop being an asshole." When Jack finally turned to meet her gaze, the smear of mascara and tears on the woman's face brought a heavy sigh from Shepard. "Your makeup is all over the place."

Using her thumbs, she started taming the black smudges beneath Jack's eyes, using her palm to rub the tears from the biotic's cheeks. It surprised her when Jack didn't slap her hands away. She shifted her gaze back to Jack's eyes, moving a hand to the back of her head, and leaned in to bump her forehead against the other woman's without really thinking about it.

Jack surprised her again, palming the back of Shepard's head, fingers clutching at her hair to keep her there, their foreheads pressed together. "Alliance … thanks for—just thanks."

"Anytime, Jack." Shepard smiled and squeezed Jack's shoulder. "I've got to go talk to EDI and Joker about this IFF. Why don't you go to the med bay and sit with Garrus for a little while? I'm sure Kasumi will be happy to see another face, too."

Jack nodded a little against Shepard and let her go. "Yeah."

Shepard left the biotic in the comm room, still sitting on the table, and made her way to the cockpit, wishing she had about a gallon of Grundan Krul's coffee to get her through the rest of the day. Hell, even a gallon of crap coffee, but there she was off the stuff for the sake of her health. Gods, who had she become? She eased herself down into the copilot's chair and let out a weary sigh.

"Hey, Commander." Joker's gaze flicked to her before moving back to the Normandy's controls. "So, the quarians are really resettling Rannoch, huh?"

She smiled, letting herself feel the pride in that victory. "Yep."

"Think the quarians and geth will become BFFs?" He glanced at her again, one corner of his mouth pulled up in a smirk.

She chuckled and turned a little in the chair, wedging her shoulder against the back and laying the side of her head against the leather. "Well, if Lia and Legion are any indication …."

"Right," he said, dragging out the word. "So, what's up? EDI said you wanted to talk about the IFF."

"Yeah, I needed to …" She rubbed her eyes with a thumb and middle finger, struggling to remember what she might've already told them about it all, but everything started to mix and tangle together in her head; her memories, Jane's, the other Shepards … she didn't know which way was up anymore. "When you install the reaper IFF, you both need to be extra careful."

Joker scoffed. "Well, yeah, it's reaper tech."

"In Jane's time, you weren't careful enough. You thought EDI was being paranoid with all of her tests, and the damn thing sent out a signal, transmitting the Normandy's position to the collectors. EDI didn't detect it until it was too late; in part because you wouldn't listen to her. So, don't get cocky." She glanced over his shoulder at EDI's hologram. "EDI, you asked us to take a shuttle for our next mission, anyway, just in case. The collector ship showed up while the whole team was away." She looked back at Joker. "They killed or kidnapped the entire crew, and you had to help EDI free herself from her shackles so she could clear the collectors from the Normandy."

His hands stopped moving over the controls for a second or two. "Shit."

"Mhmm." She fought back a yawn, sitting down in the darkened cockpit, the stars zooming by in her peripherals was starting to lull her to sleep. "So, uh, let's make sure it doesn't happen this time."

"Thank you for the warning, Shepard," EDI said. "I'll be more vigilant. Now that I know what to expect and my shackles are already removed, I'm certain I'll be able to circumvent this problem. I won't let our crew be taken."

Shepard smiled at the AI. "Glad to hear it, EDI."