Chapter 57: Afraid to Ask
Shepard had tried to sleep, but despite feeling tired, sleep just wouldn't come. She supposed her body decided it had enough, spending three days knocked out under heavy sedation. Still, it felt nice to lay there in Garrus' arms, listening to his light snore. Two hours in, though, she had to move, needed to get up and do something because the echo of Anderson's voice and 'three million' refused to leave her head in the near silence, and Jane seemed content to let her stew in her thoughts. She suspected Jane was busy stewing in her own thoughts and just doing her best to keep from dumping even more anxiety in Shepard's lap.
Untangling herself from Garrus' arms, she pressed a kiss to his mandible and shushed him when he stirred. She slid from the bed and padded across her cabin on bare feet, making her way to the bathroom. Sitting down on the toilet, she propped her elbows on her knees and pressed her face into her hands. So much was going wrong with the mission, she felt doubt creeping in along the edges of her consciousness, roots digging in deep along her spine. They didn't even take out the Illusive Man first as planned, and now, he'd have to wait until after they hit the collector base. With a little luck, with everything else going ass up with the mission, maybe he wouldn't think she'd still be interested in coming after him.
Finishing up, she wiped herself and stood, flushing the toilet. She washed her hands and then picked up her brush, carefully running it through her hair before pulling it back in a low ponytail. Making her way out of the bathroom, she went to her closet and took out clean clothes before tossing them on the couch. She stood in the middle of the floor and let her gaze drift around the cabin, looking at nothing in particular until her gaze settled on the framed pictures of the people she'd lost already in the war. She crossed the floor to pick up a picture of Kaidan, and she felt Jane stir in the back of her head.
"Do you ever wonder what their lives would be like if they never met us?" There was something wistful in Jane's tone, something weary and edged with grief. "Kaidan, Ashley, Liara, Dr. Tulina … wonder what they'd be doing right now if they never came aboard the Normandy?"
"Well, Kaidan was on the Normandy before us … and Ashley still would've lost her unit on Eden Prime, so she still would've been there when Anderson showed up to secure the beacon," Shepard thought.
"Don't be so literal, you know what I mean," Jane said, giving Shepard the impression of an eyeroll.
"Yeah," she thought, putting the picture back down and picking up the one of Ashley instead. "I don't know, I guess Kaidan and Ash would be stationed somewhere else. They'd still be soldiers, so they'd still be dragged in to fight the war. Liara might've been taken by Saren's men on Therum … or maybe she'd be on some other prothean dig site, looking for her next big discovery and trying to understand who the protheans were. I suppose Dr. Tulina would be working at a clinic somewhere, trying to help people deal with their mental traumas."
She sat the picture of Ashley back down and picke up the picture of Jack, smiling as she squatted down next to the bomb they set off on Pragia. Smiling, she thought, "Jack would still be in stasis on Purgatory, or maybe sold off to someone who wanted to use her to rob banks or something." She put down the picture of Jack, and picked up the one of Tali and Kal, maskless on Rannoch. "These two may or may not be together, but they definitely wouldn't have had this moment together on their homeworld."
Jane hummed. "I suppose you're right."
Shepard sat the picture back down and returned to the couch to get dressed. She glanced over her shoulder at Garrus as she stepped into her panties and thought, "He'd probably still be stuck at C-Sec, slowly becoming more and more disgruntled with the way things worked until he towed the line just a little too far and got fired or worse." Pulling on her bra, she smiled, finding it didn't hurt at all to reach behind her and hook the small clasps. "Thane might've died going after Nassana, and Kolyat would be in prison for murder."
Jane seemed to ponder this for a moment, her unarticulated thoughts rolling around like a fog in Shepard's head. "You think Kolyat would've gotten caught?"
"Probably. Hell, maybe Garrus would've been the one to catch him … if he didn't get killed outright by Talid's bodyguard," Shepard thought, easing her shirt down over her head. "If we didn't call out to Kolyat when we did, the krogan might've realized Kolyat was coming on his own and shot him first."
She put on the rest of her clothes before peeking her head into the bathroom again, making sure she didn't muss her hair by putting on her shirt. After glancing down the stairs at Garrus' sleeping form one last time, she turned and left the cabin. Taking the elevator down to the third deck, she felt the tension in the atmosphere as soon as the doors slid open. Cerberus crewmen milled about, coming and going from the mess and crew quarters, whispering quietly amongst themselves. They smiled, nodding their heads or saluting when they saw her, but then hurried their steps.
Shepard made her way to the mess hall, and even Gardner seemed distracted and worried. Still, he offered her a warm smile and dished her up a bowl of his asari gumbo before pouring her a cup of coffee and sitting it on the tray. She carried it to a mostly empty table and ate in silence, watching the people around her until Jacob slid into the seat across from her.
"Hey, Commander." He looked around, taking his time scanning the crowd. "Things seem pretty tense, don't they?"
"They know we're hitting the finish line." She scraped the last of her gumbo on her spoon, holding it in front of her as she added, "There's a lot riding on this, especially now Earth's been hit."
Jacob looked down at the table in front of him, a frown creasing his brow. "Yeah. How bad is it, do you know?"
Shepard glanced around her and took a drink of her cooling coffee, a little surprised the operative hadn't already hit the extranet to find answers. "Last report puts it at about three million humans taken."
"Damn." He shook his head, paused, and then shook it again. "Damn."
"Yeah." She put down her coffee cup. "Listen," she said, standing and picking up her tray, "I need to go see Dr. Chakwas. I'll call a meeting after I talk to Aria and fill everyone in on the plan, figure out some of the last minute details."
Jacob stood and saluted. "Ma'am."
She nodded at him and then carried her tray back to Gardner, content to let him take the tray without comment. Turning on her heel, she fought to push away the pit of writhing snakes in her stomach and marched on to the med bay. Dr. Chakwas looked up when the door opened and smiled, pushing away from her desk and opening her omni-tool.
"How are you feeling, Commander?" Dr. Chakwas started scanning Shepard as soon as she slipped up on one of the beds.
"Not bad. Head's a little tender, but I'll be alright." Shepard glanced over her shoulder, seeing the bed Kasumi had been occupying since the attack on the Normandy abandoned. She smiled, glad to see the thief decided to return to the hangar after all. "Kasumi doing OK?"
"Kasumi will be fine, physically. I'm a little concerned about her mental state, but I think James will be able to help her through. It's good she's returned to the hangar, I think she's been afraid to go back down there." Dr. Chakwas closed her omni-tool and grabbed gloves out of the nearby dispenser, slipping them on her hands. She parted Shepard's hair and gently prodded the area of the incision. "Your scans look good. The activity levels are still a little high for being inactive, but I suppose with everything going on, it's understandable."
"Full disclosure," Shepard said, lifting her chin away from her chest just enough so her words wouldn't be muffled, "I had some of Gardner's deplorable coffee a few minutes ago, too."
Dr. Chakwas chuckled, letting Shepard's hair fall back into place and patted her shoulder. "I didn't think it was so bad."
"It's not Grundan Krul's." Shepard slid down off the bed when the doctor stepped away. "So, am I good to hit the base or are you going to argue against it until you're blue in the face?"
"Even if I believed you weren't fit for duty, I know there's no point in arguing against it." Dr. Chakwas scoffed. "Not on this one. Garrus on the other hand—"
"Don't worry, doc." Shepard held up a hand to save the doctor breath. "We already had this talk. He's staying on the Normandy."
"Good." Dr. Chakwas leaned her hip against the bed. "Jane, how are you doing?"
"I've been better, but I've been a hell of a lot worse, too," Jane said, and Shepard repeated, expecting to play mouthpiece for Jane for awhile.
Instead, Dr. Chakwas nodded and asked, "Shepard, have you given any consideration to what we spoke of? Giving Jane the opportunity to come out periodically? Miranda did as you asked and left a way for you to allow Jane to take control. She said the implant should also make it easier for you to regain control if necessary."
"Uh," Shepard said, scratching her temple, "I guess … if it's controllable … yeah. Yeah, I can do that. After this thing with the collectors is taken care of."
"Yeah?" The utter shock in Jane's voice carried no subtlety.
"Yeah," Shepard thought, a smile tugging at her lips. "So long as John's around to provide me with a little back up in there."
"He said, 'Anytime.'" Jane practically vibrated with excitement, a sensation making Shepard feel as if her brain itched.
EDI's hologram sprung to life in the corner of the room. "ETA to Omega, thirty minutes, Shepard."
"Thanks, EDI." Shepard turned her attention back to Dr. Chakwas. "We done here, doc?"
"Of course, Commander." Dr. Chakwas returned to her chair.
Shepard left the med bay and made her way to life support. The door slid open, the room dark save for the blue glow of the drive core coming through the observation window. She heard Thane shift on the cot before she'd taken two steps, which wasn't a surprise at all, he'd always been a light sleeper, snapping awake at the slightest change to whatever room he slept in.
"Siha?" He sounded half asleep, voice lacking the clarity of his usual alertness.
The sound of his voice stilled Jane, her excitement sloughing away to reveal concern for the drell. "He doesn't sound good."
"Mhmm." Answering both of them with the one sound, Shepard made her way to the cot, the darkness no more a hindrance for her in life support than in her cabin.
His hand wrapped around the back of her thighs, urging her closer. "Have we reached Omega?"
"We're a half hour away." She turned sitting on the edge of the cot next to him, and he moved his hand to her waist, arm stretching over her lap. Reaching out, she traced the edge of his jaw, face just barely visible in the blue glow. "But I think you should stay here and get some more sleep. I'm going to need you in a few hours when we go through the Omega 4 Relay, and you're exhausted. I can hear it in your voice."
He let her words linger in the air between them a moment before he finally responded, "I don't trust Aria with you, siha."
"I can handle Aria. I've been handling Aria for a thousand lifetimes, but either way, I'm not going in there alone." She leaned down, kissing him and holding his lip between hers for a couple of seconds. "Stay here, get some more sleep." She started to sit back up.
His arm snaked further around her, pulling her back to him, his lips finding hers again. "Lay down with me, for just a little while, and I will stay."
She smiled; how could she possibly say no? Pulling her legs up, she situated herself on the cot, snuggled in against him, head resting in the crook of his arm. "Sounds like a win-win, to me."
He chuckled, running his hand back and forth along her arm. The movement becoming slower within seconds, his breathing evening back out, but she heard the strain with each breath. He'd been pushing himself too hard for her sake. They both knew he had a terminal illness, as if either of them could forget for even a second, but they both also knew he was determined not to let it stand in his way. He wanted the last of his time alive to count, and she respected his wishes, but she didn't want to see his stubbornness speed the process along, either.
When the ship docked, Thane stirred again, his arm tightening around her. "Be careful, siha."
She sat up, pulling herself from his arms and leaned over to kiss him. "I will. Love you."
He brushed his knuckles over her cheek. "And I you."
A part of her just wanted to stay there, say fuck Aria, the Council, and the collectors, but she knew she couldn't do that, no matter how much she wanted to. She stepped away from the cot, smiling down at him again before making her way from life support. Stopping in front of the elevator, she took a deep breath. "EDI, tell Jacob and Zaeed to head to the airlock. I'll suit up and meet them there."
The elevator slid open while EDI gave her acknowledgement, and Shepard stepped inside, pressing the button for her cabin. When she arrived upstairs, she found Garrus sitting up on the edge of the bed, tugging on his pants.
He smiled at her. "There you are." Standing, he pulled his pants up around his waist and crossed the floor to take her in his arms. He tucked his face in against her neck, breathing her in, and hummed. "Is Thane going with you to see Aria?"
"No." She slid her arms around his cowl, pulling him in a little closer. "I made him go back to sleep. Jacob and Zaeed are going with me."
He hummed, rubbing his hand up and down her back before giving her a kiss. "Zaeed's a good choice for Omega." He stepped back, hands moving to her hips, and met her gaze. "Let me help you get your armor on."
She nodded, stepping away from him to open the cabinet where she stored her gear and began pulling it out. As they began snapping the pieces into place, she tried to imagine just how many times he'd been there, doing the exact thing for her in her current life and all the others. The only answer she could come up with was simply 'countless'. Holding her arms out to her sides for him to fit her breastplate in place, she sighed. "I don't like you not being able to come with me through the relay. It feels wrong. This whole damn thing feels wrong."
"Hmmm. You know I'm more than willing to come, but I have to wonder if the nerves are just because things aren't going the way you're used to them going." He glanced up from her breastplate. "The way Jane's used to them going."
"Maybe." She resumed her silence, watching him as he helped her finish her armor and check over her weapons. And maybe he was right, for all she really knew, everything would work out perfectly. They'd all get out of there alive, and the allied forces would help her save any humans the collectors hadn't yet liquified. Maybe.
"Maybe," Jane agreed, but she didn't sound any more convinced than Shepard felt.
Garrus handed her helmet over, and she tucked it under her arm. Leaning in, he kissed her before pressing his forehead to hers. He took a deep breath and flicked a mandible. "It'll all work out. It has to."
"Yeah." She rubbed her head against his. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian."
He grinned and then nipped at the side of her jaw, whispering in her ear, "I love you, Dawn Shepard."
She pulled away from him and let out another sigh, letting her gloved fingers run down his bare chest. "I'll see you in a bit. Hopefully Aria doesn't drag this out."
He fluttered his mandibles. "Tell Aria that Archangel says hello."
Shepard snorted, turning on her heel and making her way to the door. "I'll be sure to do that."
She took the elevator down to the CIC, catching sight of Zaeed and Jacob already waiting for her. Dipping her head at Kelly as she passed, she made her way to the airlock. She stopped in front of the two men and rolled her head. "Alright, let's go make nice with the queen of Omega."
The airlock slid open, and they left the Normandy, making their way towards the everpresent sound of thumping bass. The crowds waiting, lined up outside the door, desperately waiting for the chance to get inside Afterlife, grumbled when Shepard and her crew marched right on past them and headed for the stairs.
A man's voice broke through the din of the crowd as she passed. "Why do they get to go in while we're stuck out here?"
"That's Commander Shepard," another man said. "I heard she helped Aria defend Afterlife when the mercs hit the place."
"I don't give a shit who she is, bitch isn't better than us." The voice of the first man carried to her, filled with bitterness and bile. "She should have to wait in line, too."
Shepard stopped in her tracks and turned on her heel, scanning the crowd, trying to pick out the owners of the voices. Everywhere she looked, people either looked on cluelessly or shied away from her gaze. Finally, she spotted two human men who looked for all of the galaxy as if they were praying they could disappear completely. She took a step toward the men, and the crowd started to push back, putting distance between themselves and the men they probably thought she was about to slaughter. Fist flexing at her side, she continued closer, Zaeed and Jacob at her back.
"You really think starting a fight with potential paying customers is going to win Aria over?" Jane asked, ironically playing the voice of reason in Shepard's suddenly red-haze filled mind.
She stopped a few feet away from the men—who apparently decided if they couldn't disappear, then they should try to look as tough as the could instead, standing with their arms crossed, feet shoulder width apart, sneers plastered on their faces. She nodded at the first one to fully meet her gaze; a man easily the size of James, with greasy, black hair hanging down over his eyes in limp tendrils. "What's your name?"
He scoffed, lifting his chin up to look down his crooked nose at her. "The fuck you want to know my name for?"
She didn't realize she intended to do it until the biotic energy had already left her, wrapping itself around the man and pulling him closer to her until he hovered a foot away from her. Guns whirred to life around her, blue sparks of biotics flared up in her peripheral, but she only pulled the man a little closer. Some distant part of her savored the look of terror in his eyes, not because he felt afraid of her, but because maybe, just maybe, the asshole had some semblance of intelligence in his thick skull and just might be able to understand the severity of what she was about to tell him.
Reaching through the dark energy with her free hand, she grabbed a fistfull of his shirt and yanked, pulling him down to eye level and put her face next to his. She kept her voice low, and as calm as she could, but still the words hissed out between clenched teeth. "Earth just got hit by the collectors. Earth. Millions were lost. Do you get it? You have family, friends, back on Earth? What about one of the colonies that were hit?"
The man nodded. "Ye—yeah, I have family on Earth and I have—had friends on Freedom's Progress."
"Then you do understand how serious this shit is. I get to go in while you stand out here because I have business with Aria, business which will help me get a rescue team in place so hopefully I might be able to save some of those poor souls who were taken. You get to stay out here and wait because you're a pathetic waste of space who only gives a damn about trying to convince some asari dancer to take pity on you and give you a quick fuck. Why don't you grow a fucking conscious, start thinking about something other than your dick, and go do something to help Earth?" She dropped her biotics and let the man crumple to the floor when the sudden return of gravity and his awkward position sent him scrambling to stay upright.
He stayed there on the filthy ground, legs and arms sprawled, not even trying to right himself as he stared up at her. She watched him for a moment, noting the whirlwind of emotions storming through his eyes. Taking a deep breath, she nodded when she finally saw him settle on determination. He pushed himself up to sitting and returned her nod, taking her hand when she held it out to him, letting her help pull him to his feet.
"Shepard?" A voice called from a few feet away, and she turned to find Bray watching her, his arms crossed. "Aria said if you kill him, she expects you to clean up the mess and pay for any damages to Afterlife property."
Shepard snorted, a one-sided smile lifting the corner of her mouth. "We were just having a talk. I think we're good now." She glanced back at the man whose hand she still held. "We good?"
He gave her a single, sharp nod. "Yeah, we're good."
"Good." She patted him on the shoulder with her free hand before letting him go.
Only then did she glance around at the rest of the scene laid out around her. Turians and batarians with assault rifles—Aria's men—held their guns at the ready, some leveled at the crowd, even more leveled at her. A handful of men and women in the crowd had drawn pistols or surrounded themselves with biotics, but they didn't have them aimed at anybody in particular, nobody moved. Zaeed and Jacob had their weapons drawn and leveled at the guards.
"Well, that's not 'good.'" Sarcasm dripped from Jane's voice.
Shepard laughed and shook her head. "Relax, people. It was just a conversation." She held up her empty hands. "I didn't even draw a weapon." She knew it probably sounded more like a boast than a genuine attempt to smooth ruffled feathers, but she was alright with that.
Bray smiled, the first she'd seen from the batarian in her life. "Aria's waiting for you."
"Can't have that now, can we?" Shepard started walking, smirking as Aria's guards fell into place around her and her team, acting as a barrier between her and the crowd.
Bray walked alongside her. "Something big always seems to happen whenever you stop by."
She lifted one shoulder in a shrug, making her way up the steps. "Purely coincidence."
"Uh huh." He glanced over at her as the door slid open for them. "Try to keep the coincidences at a minimum."
Shepard snorted. "No promises."
They made their way through the club, trailed by Aria's men. Shepard noticed an increased fervor in the dancing bar patrons, triggering a memory of something Joker said to Jane and the others after the reaper invasion: "Can't you see the desperation? This isn't happy dancing, this is forget my problems dancing. Look at the arms. If a guy waves his arms like that, he's worrying about a lot more than looking stupid on the dance floor." Maybe, just maybe, the galaxy might have their collective heads out of their asses and ready for war this time around. At the back of the club, she stopped at the foot of the stairs and glanced at Bray. He nodded his head toward the top, so up she went.
Aria sat on her couch, as usual, arms stretched out over the back and legs crossed at the knee. "I've been expecting you."
"Have you?" Shepard cocked an eyebrow.
"Earth being hit by collector ships could only mean you'd show up on my doorstep sooner or later." Aria waved a hand, glancing around as if she were already bored. Her gaze settled on Shepard, and the corner of her mouth lifted, the devious spark flaring to life in her eyes. "What do you want, Shepard? More importantly, what are you willing to give me for it?"
"I think I like her even less than ever." Jane narrowed her non-existent eyes at the asari. "She was far easier to get along with with her requests were simple, like warn Patriarch and help her reclaim Omega."
"Reclaiming Omega was simple?" Shepard thought, raising a mental eyebrow.
"No, but at least it didn't get in the way of our mission," Jane said, "and we did save lives."
Shepard didn't wait to be invited to sit before taking her usual spot on Aria's couch. Leaning forward, she propped her elbows on her knees and met the asari's gaze. "When I give them the go ahead, several fleets from the council races will be coming through the relay into Sahrabarik System. All I want from you, is you're word you'll give them safe passage through the system and into the Omega 4 Relay."
"You're actually doing it, going through the Omega 4 Relay?" Aria scoffed. "You're either exceptionally brave, or exceptionally stupid."
"I prefer exceptionally smart. I have a way through the relay, but I need your reassurances the ships won't be attacked in any way." Shepard sat back, folding her hands over her stomach. "And I've been asked by Councilor Tevos to negotiate this with you."
Aria all but rolled her eyes and glanced away, boredom apparently returning that easily. "If Tevos wants something from me, she should ask me herself."
Shepard shrugged. "Yeah, but let's face it, you scare the shit out of Tevos."
Aria laughed, returning her gaze to Shepard. She stared at Shepard a moment, eyes cold, appraising. "But not you, it seems."
"Not much scares me anymore." Shepard gave Aria a slow hake of her head. "I've seen what's coming … it makes everything and everyone else seem like a joyride."
Aria nodded a little, lifting her hands a couple of inches off of the couch. "The reapers, right, of course."
"Of course," Shepard said, keeping her tone as bland as the asari's. She'd already said her peace to Aria about the reapers, there wasn't any point in taking the bait.
Aria tapped her fingers on the back of the couch. "Tell Tevos I'll give your fleets safe passage, but the next time I call—and I will call—she'd damned well better answer."
"That sounds ominous," Jane said.
Shepard arched an eyebrow. "That's it?"
Aria smiled. "That's it."
"I'll let her know." Shepard pushed herself up from the couch.
"See that you do." Aria turned her attention to Bray. "Put the word out. Anyone fucks with Shepard's fleets, they answer to me. In person."
Shepard watched as Bray nodded and walked away, heading back down the stairs. Returning her gaze to Aria, she found the asari watching her. "Oh, Archangel said hello."
Aria smirked. "I'm sure. Tell him anytime he wants to come back to Omega to play the hero, I've got a few things he can take care of first." She folded her hands in her lap. "I wonder if you really know who it is you're sleeping with, Shepard?"
"It doesn't matter, the turian you knew is in the past." Shepard shook her head, dropping her weight to one hip and crossing her arms over her chest. "Who he was on Omega … whatever he did for you … that's not who he was before, and it's not who he is now."
"You sure about that?" Aria held her gaze, challenging Shepard, daring her to really look inside herself to find the answer to the question. "I don't think you are."
"I should go." Shepard dropped her arms, shifting her weight back to both feet. "I have to organize the fleets." She turned, making her way down the handful of stairs leading up to Aria's throne room.
"You're not sure about it, are you?" Jane's empathy washed over Shepard. "I'm not either, but I think … I think I know Garrus well enough to know whatever he did, he had his reasons, and he probably didn't let Aria in on them. We should talk to him about it, just ask him what he did for Aria."
"Yeah," Shepard thought, trying her hardest to fight back the twisted knot of snakes writing around in the pit of her stomach.
"Try not to kill my customers on your way out," Aria called after her.
Shepard stopped at the base of the stairs, and glanced over her shoulder. "I didn't draw a weapon, didn't even hit him."
"I know, I was watching the security feed." Aria jerked her head up in question. "What did you say to him?"
Shepard forced a smile on her face, wanting nothing more than to tell Aria to fuck off and go back to the Normandy to clean the stink of Omega out of her nose, mouth, and lungs. Instead, she turned back around to face Aria but stayed where she was. "I inspired him to do something better with his life than talk shit."
"If I recall, the last time you were here, you said you didn't come to Omega to recruit." Aria uncrossed her legs before crossing them again in the opposite direction. "I assumed you meant since you had Archangel and Mordin, you weren't interested in anyone else Omega might have to offer."
Shepard shook her head. "I don't have any issue taking volunteers from Omega, but I wasn't recruiting him for the war." She shrugged. "Just reminded him that his people are hurting and he's wasting his time hoping to get laid by one of the dancers."
Aria tilted her head back, laughing up at the ceiling. "Go, Shepard. Organize your fleets. If you survive this suicide mission of yours, come see me again. I'll give you the answers to the questions you're afraid to ask."