Epilogue: Where Things Made Sense

Shepard lay on one of the beds in the med bay, her back turned to the sheet covered corpse of one of her best friends. Knees drawn up to her chest, she stared at the med bay door, hushed whispers coming from back by the AI core.

"How did a collector even get aboard the Normandy?" Miranda asked.

Garrus chuffed, the sound filled with bitterness. "We brought it aboard. It's the collector from the tank in Mordin's lab."

"Dios … how'd it get out?" James' voice sounded the closest.

"One of the Cerberus crew … I don't know his name. I think he must've been indoctrinated." Garrus' soft footsteps paced the floor, his voice becoming more heavily flanged with anger. "I watched the security feed. He left his station and went to the armory, using EDI's access node to block her out somehow. He grabbed an assault rifle from Jacob's table and made his way to the tech labs where he walked right up to the collector's tank and deactivated the stasis." Something slammed against metal followed by a moment of silence before he finally continued, "Held just the gun out to the collector when he opened the damn door. The collector let the seeker out, and a few minutes later it walked right through the CIC, picking off those the seeker didn't get to. I was in the battery, I didn't have a clue what was going on until Joker called me on the intercom. I rushed up there … but I was too late."

"I talked to Kelly. She said even though the seeker paralyzed her, she saw the whole thing. Joker tried to fight back, but there was just nothing he could do to defend himself," Tali said, her voice heavy and thick, as if she'd been crying.

"I've never seen Shepard so devastated. Losing so many to the collectors, and Zaeed dying only to come back and find ..." Dr. Chakwas started sobbing. "She and Joker were really close … I'd never seen him let anyone in the way he did with her … I don't …." Her voice shifted to nothing more than a high-pitched whine when she said, "I'm not sure she's going to pull out of this."

Darkness surrounded her, rage and grief washing over and rolling through her, sweeping her out to sea. Shepards buffeted her, throwing her around as fists and feet, biotics and bullets slammed into her. Somewhere nearby, others fought to defend her.

"Defend yourself, damn it!" Jane yelled.

Shepard didn't see any point. She fucked everything up. She didn't save enough of them, and they wouldn't have even been there if not for her. Zaeed was dead. Joker … Joker was dead, and it was her fault.

Raphael's fist slammed into her jaw, shattering the bone with an audible crack. Pain lanced through her face and down her neck, knocking her to the ground. She stayed there, tears pouring from her eyes. Amelia's steel-toed boot connected with her ribs, tearing the air from her non-existent lungs.

The bed shifted. The familiar weight and warmth of Garrus surrounded her, and he wrapped an arm over her waist. He hummed softly, nuzzling against the back of her head.

"I'm sorry, Dawn," he whispered, voice cracking.

Someone had placed Joker's hat on the chair next to her bed.

John carried her, slung over his shoulder while he fired into the darkness. Her wounds healed, not a trace of the beating the others gave her remained. Just like every other time. So much blood. Joker. Oh gods, Joker. He can't be dead. Joker never dies. It's not real. Can't be happening.

"It happened, ma'am." John shifted, putting her down on her feet, holding her face to make her meet his gaze. "It happened, and it hurts, but we have to move on."

"Commander?" Dr. Chakwas voice cut through the haze. "Shepard, you need to eat something."

Bullets ripped through her abdomen, setting her clothes on fire. Jane grabbed her, dragging her down behind a wall that wasn't there a second ago, and Jane beat at the flames consuming Shepard. Somewhere in the distance, a banshee screamed.

"No, that was Abigail." Jane forced a pistol into Shepard's hand, wrapping her fingers around the grip. "Now fight back."

"... can't take control, the implant won't allow her to. For all intents and purposes, Shepard is still in control. Unless she chooses to relinquish control to Jane, or is knocked unconscious, Jane won't be able to do anything," Miranda's voice dragged Shepard back to the world around her, even though she didn't want to be awake.

Garrus hummed, the sound distressed, and Shepard knew it should bother her, should get a rise out of her, but it just didn't. She just wanted them to stop talking and let her sleep.

"So … she's just stuck like this?" He growled, pacing into her line of sight. "She's awake." He moved closer, crouching down in front of her, bringing himself to eye level. Running his fingers through her hair, his mandibles fluttered, blue eyes desperate as they searched hers. "Dawn, can you hear me?"

"There is nothing to indicate Shepard has lost her ability to hear, Garrus," EDI said, her tone consoling.

His mandibles flared and he took Shepard's hand in his, fingers gingerly squeezing her hand, and she caught sight of an IV line trailing away from her arm. "We need to make arrangements for … for Joker. I thought you might want to call Anderson yourself. Or I can do it for you, if you want, whatever you need, Dawn. Whatever you need."

Shepard's arm lifted and her finger pulled the trigger. It wasn't her, she knew that, not even her own pseudo-body acting on reflex, but Ruby seeping back through her; absorbed but not dead, not gone, not really. Not like Joker.

She could've stopped Ruby if she wanted to, but why bother?

Thane sat next to her bed, hands clasped in front of him. Head bowed, his lips moved with the soft whisper of a prayer. After a moment, he opened his eyes, catching her gaze and offered her a gentle smile. He leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees. "Siha, I'm sorry you are hurting. I wish I could take this pain away from you." He reached out, wiping a tear from her face. "I understand you're not ready to speak, but Dr. Chakwas informed me it might be beneficial for you if we continue to talk to you. Garrus has called Councilor Anderson, I believe he intends to meet the Normandy on Illium. I'm not sure why Miranda chose Illium, however. I'm told Joker will be returned to his family and given an Alliance burial; he will be honored."

The sound of the door sliding open seemed to draw Thane's attention for a moment. "Ah, Jack. Good timing, she's awake." Thane stood, waving his hand at the chair, and a moment later Jack sat down.

Jack glanced up at Thane but didn't say anything to him as he stepped away. Turning her attention to Shepard, she narrowed her eyes, brow furrowing. "Shit," she whispered. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say here, Alliance." Threading her fingers together, she rested her elbows on her knees and seemed to examine the tattoos on her arms for a second. "You've got to fucking fight this shit. You're supposed to be leading us into war. We need you, goddamnit." Shaking her head, she rubbed a palm over her nearly-bare scalp. "Garrus is all twisted up, blaming himself. Says he should've been in the CIC in case you needed him, then Joker wouldn't be dead. I tried telling him you wouldn't want him to blame himself, told him all the shit you told me … but I suck at the pep talk crap. So just … get the fuck up and go yell at him or something."

Her palm slammed against Juan's chest, and immediately she felt the bright spark within him. A second later, something inside of her pulled, jerking the spark right out of Juan and sucking it into her.

And if felt good.

Despite everything else, it felt good.

"Commander?" Samara's soft voice pulled at Shepard, and the asari smiled when Shepard opened her eyes. "I am sorry, but I must do this now; we have arrived at Illium. I must leave and go to my daughters." She pushed the chair aside, kneeling down next to Shepard. "By the Code, I have fulfilled my service to you, Shepard. Your choices are no longer my choices, your morals are no longer my morals. Your wishes are no longer my code." Biotic energy flared around the Justicar, so bright it hurt Shepard's eyes.

Samara stood, settling a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "I wish you well, Shepard. When you recover, contact me, I will see what I can do to aid you in the oncoming war." Samara pulled her hand back and dipped her head before turning and leaving.

Ricky. Janell. Avery. Mia. Michael. James. Sofia. Chloe. Layla. They were hers now.

Dr. Chakwas adjusted the bed, forcing Shepard into a sitting position. Stiff muscles ached in protest, but Shepard didn't care.

Garrus held her hand in one of his, bare fingers of his other hand stroked her knuckles. "Anderson is here. He's taking care of … the transfer, but he said he wanted to come see you when he's done."

Shepard slapped her hand against Nora's chest, yanking out the other woman's spark. If they insisted on throwing themselves at her, she'd make them hers. Letting go, she watched as Nora's body fell to the ground and disappeared.

She turned, catching Camila's pleading thoughts as the woman reached out. She wanted what only Shepard could offer, an end, or perhaps a new beginning. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Shepard settled her palm between Camila's breasts, searching out the spark and pulled.

Hungry for more, she felt around her for the next one.

"... even understand what we're saying?" Anderson asked.

"She appears to be slipping in and out of awareness while awake. Scans indicate she's still able to hear what's being said, but whether or not it's truly registering with her …." Dr. Chakwas lifted a shoulder and shook her head. "I'm afraid I can't say."

Anderson grunted, tucking his hands behind his back and moving closer to them. "Shepard … I'm having you transferred to a facility on the Citadel for observation. Dr. Chakwas will be going with you. The Council's dropped all charges against you, they finally realized how foolish they were being. I considered having you taken to Earth, but I think it'll be easier for your friends to visit if you're on the Citadel, and Dr. Chakwas tells me it's important you not be isolated from the people you know."

He paused, giving them a wry smile. "And I admit I'd like to be able to see you as well. I don't get off the Citadel much these days." Glancing down at his feet for a moment, he took a deep breath. "The Dissension is still an issue, though. So, I'm having Lieutenant Vega reassigned as the head of your personal guard while you're there. I thought you'd like that. It'll be up to him to choose other guards, and determine who is or isn't allowed in to see you."

Shepard closed their eyes. They didn't want to hear anymore. They wanted to go back to the darkness where things made sense.

A/N: Stay tuned for Part 3, Reconfiguration.