"He's waking up."
Luke, Lowie and Tenel Ka stared down at him with sympathy.
Jacen begged the force for the past to be a dream. He'd had eaten a bad Alcoari fruit that Chewie gave him, and had a horrible nightmare. But their misplaced sympathy wouldn't allow such delusions. Jacen was aware that he was breathing but he had never felt less alive or alone.
They were on a ship.
"How-"
"Your friend Zekk risked his life to bring you to us." Tenel Ka said squeezing his hand.
"She-"
"Jaina's here. There was nothing you could have done." His uncle said in his soothing voice.
"Can I finish a kriffin sentence?" Jacen raged. "Stop snooping in my head." Jacen glared at his uncle who had no idea what he was talking about. Someday he would become powerful enough that no one he cared about would die.
"Jacen!" His uncle grabbed his arm but he yanked himself free.
"I don't want to talk about it!" Jacen could feel his uncle's eyes drilling into the back of his head. He could just hear his uncle telling his friends that he needed some space to grieve. What did he know? His sister was still alive! Luke would just make him talk about it, but Jacen was sick of it, he didn't want to feel better, he didn't want to face his future. Jacen searched in vain for Jaina, the force would no longer tell him where she was. So he had to wander the halls looking for a room. On his way he used the force to throw anything that wasn't bolted to the walls. He wanted everything to shatter the way he was.
The force? The force had failed him! It should have told him that he was fighting his twin like it had Jaina!
Jaina. Her name brought deserved pain.
"Jaina Jaina Jaina." He said feeling parts of her death all over again. Pain was only one of the many consequences he would have to live with.
He found her room. She was covered by a white sheet and the air was as cold as she was. He lifted the sheet to find that she didn't look like a person. Not like Jaina, perhaps death had taken her body away too and left a poorly made Jaina-doll. Even when she was asleep she had never seemed so small. He had thought that seeing her would bring him some measure of comfort, that he could pretend that she was going to wake up any minute and berate him for thinking she'd die from a lightsaber wound.
Only silence.
He'd only been allowed a few hours reprieve, before his uncle came.
Seeing that he wasn't up for talking, Luke had sat down next to him and put his arm around his shoulder and leaned in. It turned out to be the secret Jedi way of making him into a blubbering idiot again.
"I'm sorry I wasn't able to get there in time." Luke said his voice squeaking. "I understand you being angry with me." Luke ran his fingers through Jacen's hair, reminding him of his mother.
"It's all my fault." He sobbed into Luke's arm shaking his head.
"You didn't kill her-"
"Yes I did." He insisted.
Luke frowned.
Slowly without looking into his eyes, Jacen explained. Ending with,
"I didn't know it was her, but it was my lightsaber that killed her!"
He saw his Uncle's lightsaber attached to his belt and turned his head and vomited. He never wanted to touch a lightsaber as long as he was alive! He didn't want to see them. All his life he had wanted a lightsaber of his own, and now the very thought made him hurl the contents of his stomach across the floor.
His Uncle became stiff and quiet.
"More than anything, I wish I could go back and change that one moment. What am I going to do? How will I tell mom and dad?" Jacen didn't care how much his voice shook.
"I don't know." Luke said shifting away from him. Luke looked conflicted as he got up.
"I need to check the cockpit. I'll be back."
Jacen felt his hope leaving. He had figured that of his entire family Luke would be the most understanding. But if he couldn't handle it, who would?
He felt Jaina's loss in other more selfish ways, normally she could cheer him up when he thought about things too much. Jaina could bring him back to reality. Could her memory take him back out of it again?
He didn't see Luke again until the next morning when he came in to make him eat.
"I'm not hungry." Jacen rubbed his eyes.
"You look awful."
Jacen restrained himself from any comments in the 'well that's what happens when' or 'thanks buddy' line. Maybe he was just too tired. Unconsciousness had failed him again, too many thoughts and memories were running a marathon in his head for the possibility of sleep.
Luke handed him rations anyway. Jacen's hands shook as he tried to make the exchange. Oh fine, you don't succeed in what I tell you to do now, but yesterday you couldn't have missed one moving target!
"I shouldn't have run out like that yesterday."
Jacen swallowed, disinterested in the ration bar.
"Jacen look at me." Luke ordered. Jacen met his eyes furtively, and was caught.
"I can imagine the pain I would go through if your mother died," Luke shook his head. " but it was worse for you wasn't it? You felt her die didn't you?"
"Just as much as if I died." Jacen said truthfully, shoulders hunching inward. "Maybe worse."
Luke's eyes softened. "Not many people can understand that, some will want to punish you, but there isn't much more someone could do to you that would be worse than what happened to you. No can believe that you would do it on purpose." Luke said. "I'll help you get through this Jacen,"
Luke could feel his self hatred, could feel that he thought that he was the worst person that had ever lived.
"At least you didn't blow up a planet."
Jacen laughed bitterly. "Great." He sniffed. "So now I'm on the same level as Kyp."
"If you're looking for people who've made bigger mistakes you don't even need to leave the family tree." Luke said reassuringly, rubbing his arm.
So, now I'm taking comfort that I'm not Darth Vader?