"Our super new spaceship is called the Pink Jello Cocoon and it is to be the home of my precious new baby." Thor stroked his tummy affectionately. "And by-the-way, Colonel Carter, strictly speaking, I am not male."

Jack looked up sharply and stopped trying to weave a pompom out of the fluffy blue fur he'd removed from his handcuffs. "Say what? Of course you're male."

"No. We Asgard are androgynous, O'Neill. You must have noticed..."

O'Neill looked uncomfortable. "Thor... trust me, you're male. We've done that male-bonding thing. I don't do male-bonding with angog... adydrog... anygog... any old not-male thing. It's a man thing. I have male buddies... yeah, that's right - male, manly, buddy-like man's bonding buddies..."

"Shut up General!" Sam snapped.

Jack balked at the blatant insubordination. He opened his mouth again to say something, but only a couple of drips of drool found their way out.

Sam rounded on the Asgard. "Thor, spill it!"

"We were not male-bonding, O'Neill," Thor told Jack calmly, slipping him a tissue. "I was conducting an experiment. I was determining your suitability to be the surrogate father of my child. As indeed I was determining your suitability, Colonel Carter, to cherish my child in the capacity of adoptive mother. We Asgard have no experience of raising children, and this one is very special. It will be born with the accumulated repository of Asgard knowledge implanted in its cerebral cortex. You, Colonel Carter and General O'Neill, are to raise it to maturity. We have fitted out the Pink Jello Cocoon with merry-go-rounds and packets of Cheerios and a mini crazy golf course for you O'Neill and a pink picket fence for you Carter, and you will spend the rest of your lives there in domestic bliss..."

Sam leapt up. "OooKAY, TIME-OUT! TIME-OUT!" - - -

Sam runs up and bangs her forehead repeatedly on the inside of scarimor's monitor... "No frickin way, you guys - this cliched drivel stinks! Mandy, scari, Poz - get me the hell out of here, now!"

SG1Poz peers over scarimor's shoulder at Sam. "It's bad-fic, Sam. Deal with it."

"I've had enough!" Sam hisses at them. "Had enough of you making fun of my taste in flowers and chocolates and cuffs and men..."

"Hey," says Mandy soothingly, "Sam, chill..."

"I don't want to chill! I want to get out of this pinked-up nightmare before I throttle someone!" Sam spots gatelover, deejay and spaz slurrping blue jello over in the corner and pleads with them. "Help meeeeeee..."

"You can't throttle anyone" says scarimor, "you're still wearing your precious fluffy cuffies."

"And as for you..." Sam spins back and glares at scarimor, "don't you think I didn't notice what you did - as if we didn't already know you're a pervert - you should be ashamed of yourself!"

scarimor sulks. "Yeah well, DEM provoked me..."

"I want out of this shacked up with Jack in candy-floss with an Asgard baby stuff right now!" yells Sam. - - -

"Ooooooh," said Thor suddenly, hauling Sam back into the past tense and a dire plot that was on the verge of imploding, "I think I'm having contractions."