1It was thundering outside when Sirius awoke on October the 31st, 2004.
Next to his sumptuous bed, which was covered in fine dark red silk sheets and a luxuriant duvet that was the same that he had slept in as a youth living with his mother, father, and younger brother, was his nightstand, carved out of African ebony with silver enameling. On it laid several sheaves of parchment from old owl posts, an ink-stained quill, a glass ashtray brimming with orange cigarette ends, a crystal glass with dark, blood-red liquid gathered in a sticky pool at the bottom, and an antique silver candelabra with several red wax candles stuck in the arms. His parents had never caught on to the concept of electricity, so the house to this day remained reliant on fire for both its heating and its lighting. To Sirius, it felt like a mausoleum… it was dark, dusty, drafty, and he was little more than a corpse. The Black Family Crypt, admission just 3 Knuts and your sanity.
Rubbing the sleep from his eyes with the heel of his left hand, Sirius sat up and swung his legs around to place his bare feet on the cold floor, covered in tapestries. All was silent and still save for the lashing of fat raindrops against the fogged windowpanes. A cavernous yawn chased the final remnants of sleep from his haggard but somehow regally handsome face and he tossed his shaggy, severely unkempt mass of black curly hair from his eyes. Since September it had grown at least two inches, giving him quite an impressive, albeit untended, mane. From the foot of his massive bed, he grabbed the threadbare crimson henley and pulled it on to cover his pale, faintly emaciated form. He glanced over his shoulder at the wall behind him, which was composed of a vast window crisscrossed by black iron bars. Although the sky was filled with wisps of dark cloud pregnant with rain and lightning, the brightness was still enough to make him squint and turn away, blinking.
He flopped backward and yawned again, his arms cast to either side of his body. The bed was huge, more than enough room for two people… Ha, I can't even remember the last time I had anybody in here, he mused ruefully, then sighed and grimaced when his thoughts took their normal course and ended up at a certain Remus Lupin, perhaps the most oblivious individual Sirius had ever met. He could feel himself growing angry and frustrated in more ways than the obvious, and before he let his mind wander too far, he sat back up and cocked his head, cracking his neck.
After stretching out the kinks in his tightened muscles, Sirius got up from the bed and crossed the room into the bath connected to his chamber and splashed some cold water in his bloodshot eyes (I drink too fucking much, he thought darkly), then promptly lit a cigarette.
It had been this way for nearly two months, or ever since 12 Grimmauld Place had seen the departure of most of the occupants it had housed over the course of the summer. The Hogwarts kids had all been whisked back to school for first term; the adults had returned to their posts at the Ministry or at home, only to turn up every so often in the event of an Order meeting. Tonks would come by more often than others, being female and particularly attentive to two bachelors holed up by themselves in that big house. Outside of that… the only other living things in the house aside from him were Kreacher and Remus.
The clock over the entrance to his room read 2:15 in the afternoon. Downstairs, right on cue, the resonant chime of the large grandfather clock in the front hall signaled the quarter past the hour. Surprisingly, no shrieks followed. That either meant that it was going to be a splendid day for once, or something was horribly awry.
Pulling up the pyjama bottoms that had ridden down on his hips, sharp like razorblades, Sirius sallied forth from the room and immediately sensed amid the thick mire of his hangover that something was up. A chill laced with the smell of rain whooshed through the hall. Remus must have been out.
At that realization, Sirius' mood plummeted into a nosedive, and crashed at the bottom of the flight of steps he had begun to descend onto the first floor of the house. He always goes out just to mock me, he thought irrationally, goes out and forgets about me, trapped in this fucking prison all the bloody time. I think he must enjoy it, seeing me squirm when he practically begs me to ask him about his day when he gets back for dinner. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't come back.
Now that he was officially in a dangerously volatile state, his mind whirring with various loathing thoughts regarding his friend, Sirius crept downstairs, sniffing every now and again to locate where Remus was in the labyrinthine expanse of the house. "Remus?" he called out tentatively, voice thick and hoarse from exhaustion and too many cigarettes, but still sharp enough to indicate his poisonous demeanor.
Remus had awoken early on October 31st, knowing full well what day it was. He had actually been looking forward to it, as this was the first year that he was actually able to spend it with someone that meant something to him for many years. Yes, Remus Lupin had other friends, but none that were considered as dear and close as who he considered his first true friends while growing up attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Sirius Black, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew had been with him through thick and thin, never turned him away; even when they found out that he had lycanthropy. They had spent all of their school years running together as the Marauders, each of them brothers, each of them loyal to one another.
Fifteen years ago all of that had changed. It was fifteen years ago today that all of their worlds fell apart. It was the night of Halloween when Voldemort showed up at the secret location that the James' lived with his wife, Lily and their one-year old son Harry bringing destruction in his wake. Voldemort had killed James and Lily and when he went to dispose of Harry something thankfully had gone terribly wrong for him. When he gave the young boy the killing curse the boy was left unharmed save for a lightening bolt patterned scar on his forehead, while Voldemort, himself, lost his powers becoming something not really alive, but not dead either. Harry was quickly gathered and taken to muggle relatives to be raised until he was old enough to attend Hogwarts himself, which he did five years ago; while Voldemort went into hiding trying to regain his strength until fairly recently.
At the time it was believed that it was Sirius that had betrayed his friends, and Remus was shocked and hurt by the thought. It had shattered him, he knew Sirius better than anyone, and he would have never thought that Sirius would do something like this. Not to him, not to James; it didn't seem right, and yet all the evidence had pointed to him. Peter had even gone after Sirius to hunt him down to make him pay for what he did to James and Lily, and Sirius not only ended up killing Peter but a group of muggles as well in an explosion which caused him to end up in Azkaban prison. It wasn't until last year that Sirius was able to escape and prove not just to Remus, but to Harry, Dumbledore and the Order that the real traitor had been Peter Pettigrew who was actually alive and well, hidden in his animagi form with the Weasley family. In fact, Pettigrew was the pet rat of Harry's best friend Ron.
Only Sirius had known of Peter's betrayal, it was his own knowledge of his innocence that kept Sirius sane all those years in Azkaban. Sirius had come so close to clearing his name that night at Hogwarts, had it not been for Remus. That fact weighed heavy on Remus even they never spoke of it. It had been a full moon that night, and Remus in a hurry thinking he needed to save Harry hadn't taken his dose of Wolfsbane potion. All of them had tied Pettigrew up and was getting ready to turn him in when the moon came out causing Remus to transform into his wild Werewolf state. If it hadn't been for Sirius, Remus would have killed four innocent people that night, including James' son Harry. It was the opportunity that Peter needed to get away, and he did. Without Peter, there was no way to prove that Sirius was innocent. The fact that they were unable to catch Peter made Sirius still a fugitive causing him to stay in hiding. Now he was trapped in the same family home he tried to flee from as a boy, 12 Grimmauld Place. Remus had a hard time knowing that it was his fault that he prevented his friend from being a free man. Add that on top of the fact that for years he believed that Sirius had betrayed James' and Lily, it was a wonder that Remus could even look Sirius in the eye; yet Sirius never acted as if he held Remus responsible.
For the last fifteen years, Halloween has been more than a little depressing for Remus; but this year he has different plans, this year he's with his oldest friend, Sirius. He wants them to celebrate it together changing the holiday from one of sorrow to one of hope. If they could go so many years apart with such terrible circumstances only to find each other again only proved that hope was still alive and something to treasure. So, Remus awoke and began baking all of Sirius' favourites that he could remember. Sugar cookies, muffins, a pumpkin pie, and of course he didn't forget the chocolate cake, which was really more for himself than for Sirius.
After the baking was accomplished, Remus went about decorating the sitting room where he had different faced jack-o-lanterns, each charmed to levitate around the room. He had traditional Muggle black and orange streamers, and had more than once said things you normally wouldn't hear him say (I've been spending too much time with Sirius, Remus thought with rueful enjoyment.) as they tangled and drooped on him when he least expected it. He had placed a large bowl of sweets in a bowl on the table, all of them wrapped merrily in colourful wrappings; all of them had been favoured by Sirius during his days at Hogwarts. To add to the mood the sconces had been lowered and since Grimmauld had an abundance of them, the whole set-up went lovely with the already existing cobwebs. Remus even charmed a few pieces of black paper to appear as bats that would flit about the room, dive bombing when you least expected it.
He had just finished when he heard the clock chime a quarter past two in the afternoon. Sirius should be getting up at anytime I'm sure, he thought as his excitement grew of seeing his friend's reaction to what he had done. This will be our best Halloween ever, it will be the start of new beginnings, he thought when he heard Sirius' voice call out for him. Remus frowned a bit when he heard the tone but thought that once Sirius saw everything he would lose his sore tone and cheer up instantly. "In the sitting room, Sirius," Remus called out careful not to be too loud as to disturb the painting of Sirius' Mother in the hallway.
Frowning, Sirius' footsteps traced the route to the sitting room by rote, and his mood swirled further into annoyed consternation. Out of his peripheral vision he noticed Kreacher slinking away, muttering something about a mess in the kitchen and "a disgraceful display of common crudeness." The aroma of cinnamon and chocolate and other various baking scents was extremely out of place, especially since Molly had been absent for several weeks now. Nobody in Grimmauld bakes...
Sirius reached the archway that served as the entrance to the vast sitting room. Standing in the middle, a cloud of what appeared to be live black bats flapping around his head, was Remus, appearing cheerful and beaming with pride.
"What's going on in here... ?" Sirius spoke slowly, his eyes narrowing in harsh scrutiny of the farce of a spectacle his vision was met with. His expression morphed from one of mild irritation to angry disbelief. There were garish streamers strung across the chandeliers and bookcases, with grinning and grimacing pumpkins suspended in mid-air as they spun on invisible axes. Along with the dim light illuminating the room, the place had adopted an even creepier atmosphere, and it was... tacky. "What the fuck is all this, Remus?" he asked, tone void of any and all amusement, and instead imbued with acidic disapproval.
Remus' smile faded slightly at Sirius' surly attitude, but he tried to push it aside as Sirius just being Sirius. "What does it look like, Sirius? It's Halloween, let's get into the spirit of it for once," he said as he walked towards his friend with a friendly smile. "This year we should celebrate instead of dread it," he said his voice full of hope as he was close enough to clap his friend on the shoulder, "This year we get to spend it together, and that should alone change things."
"Celebrate what?" Sirius interjected scarcely before Remus had finished speaking. "What do you mean, 'spirit of it'?" He looked around, incredulous, until finally fixing his friend with a piercing glare that did not disguise any of his ire. "You've just gone and made a mess," Sirius spat, his temper rising along with the volume of his voice, "we aren't fucking kids anymore, there's no point!" He grabbed the end of the nearest orange streamer and pulled it down, tearing it to shreds in his hands. "What made you think this was a good idea?" he sneered, then tossed the destroyed crepe paper into the fireplace, which roared to life immediately and reduced the scrap of paper to cinders in less than a second.
The smile on Remus' face faded completely as he watched Sirius' temper flare with a sense of shock. "No, Sirius," Remus started as he tried to remain calm but he was quickly running out of patience with him as he watched Sirius start to tear at the decorations. "We aren't kids anymore, but that doesn't mean that we cannot have fun and try and enjoy our lives. I thought it would be nice for once to try and be a bit festive without an excuse instead of sitting here in this dank house feeling sorry for how our life turned out like shite and drinking the night away like you've been wanting us to do. Why can't you just be happy that you are here now…with me. It's Halloween, Sirius, it's time we made this a good holiday instead of a bad one!" Remus grabbed his arm as Sirius went to grab another streamer. "Stop it," he said his voice calm but lethal. "You say we aren't kids, stop acting like one!"
"Let go of me," Sirius growled very threateningly. His body was tense with anger, irrational as it was. He was filled with self-righteous purpose, and now that it had been tapped in to there was nothing that could stop him; he was far too obstinate, even to Remus' reasoning.
He roughly extricated his arm from Remus' grasp and took a step back, his eyes fixed on his friend's face. In a sudden upwelling of rage, Sirius brought his fist down on the mantle, causing several candlesticks to tip over and crash to the ground in front of the fireplace. "Enjoy my life? That's what you want me to do in here?" he began, voice low and calculating in its ominousness. "You fault me for feeling sorry for myself when all my life has been for the last fifteen years has been spent in some kind of prison? Be it Azkaban, or on the run from the Ministry, and now back here under house arrest, in the very same place I denounced before I was even of age?"
With each word he spoke, Sirius' hands tightened into fists that just ached to pound into something until his knuckles bled from being skinned. Behind his eyes, he felt fierce, bitter tears tingleand begin to well up at the corners. "And you say to me, all high and mighty in your conviction, that I should be festive now, on the anniversary of the day when I lost everything?" Sirius tried to blink back the wetness in his eyes, but in vain; a tear rolled quickly down his cheek before he was fast to wipe it away with his sleeve. "I have nothing here," he said, voice shaking, "I have NO reason to wake up in the morning. The ONLY reason I'm still alive is because I'm too fucking cowardly to kill myself, I'm still clinging to some kind of false hope." He paused, drawing a deep breath, and added very quietly, "I don't even have you."
Sirius managed to pull his arm away, but continued his diatribe while Remus stood looking at him with frustration that quickly turned to alarm as the words that Sirius spoke cut him like a sharp knife. The fact that Sirius was so angry about having to be at Grimmauld was no surprise, and Remus could understand how it would be frustrating; is some ways he too was a prisoner there. Of course, it was by choice so he could continue to be around Sirius, but it was still true; Remus was just as much a prisoner as Sirius was except when Dumbledore had a mission for him, which had not been often in the last month if at all.
The fact that Sirius just said that he had no reason to live and nothing to wake up for made Remus feel as if he was nothing, but it was what Sirius said last that upset him most. "How can you say you don't even have me? I'm here. Standing right in front of you, trying to do something to make you happy; it's like you don't want to see that, Sirius. What do I have to do to make you realize that I'm here with you?" losing his usual calm demeanor Remus grabbed down one of the streamers yanking it off the ceiling brutally. "I went to this trouble for you, you big Sod, but you wouldn't notice because you are too busy wallowing! Get. The. Fuck. Over. It! You're alive, it's more that Lily and James got offered. You are alive, and I am here with you. Wake. The. Fuck. Up!" Remus screamed his cheeks flush with anger as he held the streamer so tightly in his hand that it had knuckles turned white.
It was an all-out screaming match now, and Sirius was determined to win. "You don't fucking GET IT! YOU NEVER HAVE!" he yelled into Remus' face, "How FUCKING OBVLIVIOUS can you be! I KNOW you remember, but it's like you've got fucking selective amnesia, just like nothing EVER happened! You haven't any IDEA of how long this has been tormenting me, Remus!" His hands went to his hair, tugging at the roots as his fingers tangled into the curls as his hands balled into angry fists. "You don't SEE what's right IN FRONT OF YOU, and I don't know if it's because you're blind or you just outright refuse!"
His normally pallid face flushed from shouting and the high heat of the moment, Sirius turned away, his hands jittery and his heart thumping in his chest. He couldn't believe what he'd just said. This was the closest he'd come to directly bringing up how he'd been in love with Remus since their fifth year at school, and the closest he'd come to questioning him why, after they spent three passionate days in Italy, that it was over in the blink of an eye, nothing said, and nothing settled. Without giving Remus another look, he left the sitting room.
The hallway seemed to throb and spin and before Sirius could reach the staircase, his knees gave way underneath him, and he sunk to the floor in the fetal position as he supported his weight by leaning against the wall. Silent sobs shook his shoulders, and made his tears only stream down faster.
Remus' eyes widened and Sirius started to bellow at him about being oblivious. He's finally brought it out. Oh Merlin, we are going to have to talk about it now, Remus thought as he ran both of his hands through his hair. The frustration and anger still strongly settled inside of him along with guilt as Remus saw the torture and pain he'd caused Sirius by his inability to discuss the past with him. Remus at a loss had nothing to say to this outburst as his eyes stayed wide; Sirius' words sinking into his own system. "I'm not blind," Remus muttered to no one because Sirius had already left the room. "I just don't know exactly what to say." Remus stood alone in the sitting room where the pumpkins twirled festively and the bats flittered around his head, both of his hands still in his hair and his stomach in knots. Slowly, soft, almost non-existent sounds started to reach his sensitive ears, and after a moment he realized what it was: Sirius crying. It was that sound that made Remus finally move from the spot he was rooted in, and he stepped calmly out of the sitting room to the find Sirius on the floor at the steps, curled up. Remus walked over to him and sat down next to him reaching out to touch him, but Sirius flinched away from him. The action only caused Remus to hurt more than he already did, and he realized that he needed to change this situation somehow. He needed to either learn to talk about it, dealing with whatever was to come next, or he needed to leave.
Taking a deep breath, he reached out for Sirius again and this time touched his unkempt hair softly, not letting Sirius move away from him. "You are right. I often don't see things in front of me even if their neon signs are buzzing loudly. I'm not sure what it is, but I never want to see you like this. I never want to hurt you, and the knowledge that I have and did…it tears me up inside, Sirius. I'm a prick at times, even if I don't know it," Remus said to him softly, knowing that if he were to speak in his normal voice that the portrait of Sirius' Mother would start screaming at the top of her lungs. "I know we have never spoken of it," he said not even daring to mention what 'it' was, "but we need to, I'm just not ready to do it this second. Can you please just give me a little more time?"
He refers to it all as if it was some affliction, some horrendous accident, Sirius thought balefully as he wiped his eyes and staved off more tears as hard as he could. He found that he could not shy away from the hand combing through his lank and bedraggled hair; despite the intense feelings of resentment he held for Remus, they did not overpower his hopeless, albeit unrequited, adoration. He hated himself for it; why couldn't he just let it go, since by all evidence Remus did not want what Sirius did? Sirius remained still and silent as he listened to Remus speak in an undertone. The portrait was not far away from where they sat.
"Can you please just give me a little more time?"
The question, spoken so innocently, froze and lingered in mid-air. Deadpanned silence ensued, and Sirius felt his heart crack. More time? Fifteen years hasn't been long enough? I can't do this anymore…. With a jerk of his neck, Sirius shook off Remus' calming touch and ungainly got to his feet. He gazed down at Remus, who was seated on the bottom step and looking up at him with a thousand pleas in his eyes. Sirius did not speak, he did not sigh or gesture. He simply placed his hand on the banister and walked up the stairs.
At the top, he paused, facing the window before him which was covered in condensation from the cold rain that pounded down on the building. For a half a moment, Sirius considered speaking, but elected to just round the corner and disappear from sight inside his mahogany fortress.
Remus stood at the bottom of the stairs and watched as Sirius walked away without a word. A groan of anguish escaped him as he ran both of his hands in his hair and balled them up grabbing handfuls of hair. Damn it! Why is this so complicated? Remus thought as he was about to start climbing the stairs to talk to Sirius.
He had only taken two steps when his ears picked up something in the sitting room, a voice calling out to either him or Sirius. Remus turned and walked into the sitting room to find the head of Albus Dumbledore in the fireplace. "Remus, Snuffles are you there?"
Remus crouched down in front of the mantle so the older wizard could see him and said, "It's me, Albus, Remus. I'm here, is everything okay? Should I get S-Snuffles?"
The older man in the fire shook his head. "No, actually I was looking for you, Remus. There is something that I need you to do for us," Albus started out and Remus nodded to let him know that he understood that it was a mission that Albus had for the Order. Merlin, the timing here is something, Remus thought as he felt torn, in ways he felt that he needed to be here and work out the issues that Sirius and him were having, but the other part of him welcomed the mission so that he wouldn't have to deal with those very issues. "I have sent you an owl with the information that you will need," Albus continued and then stopped his eyes narrowing slightly as if to get a better look at Remus. "Is everything okay there, Remus?" The older man's brow furrowed and he looked concerned.
For a moment Remus paused, knowing that there were certain things he didn't want to say, and in ways Remus knew that in some sense that Albus knew the tension that had to be here between them. Albus just knew things; it was what happened when one was talented at Legilimency. "Yes, of course," Remus said, "considering the fact that it is Halloween, Sir." He paused for a moment and looked down, thinking of the mess he had just made due to his own disregard to Sirius' feelings, thinking that since they were together that the pain could just disappear. "Things are well enough. I will look for the owl promptly. When do you need me to leave?"
"Immediately," was the response that Albus gave, but Remus could see that his mentor's eyes were troubled, and that knowledge was confirmed when Albus next spoke. "If you are needed there Remus…" he began.
"No, Sir. I will do what needs to be done. Do not worry," Remus told him. I'll be doing enough for the both of us, he thought as he started to hear the distinct sound of an owl tapping its beak at the window. "The owl has arrived, Sir, I will leave as soon as I am able. I will contact you soon, Albus," he said as he started to get up from the mantle to go to the window.
"Very well," sighed Albus and he disappeared from the fire as Remus opened the window, letting the owl in and took the time to read twice through the assignment carefully. When he was done his eyes glanced up towards where the stairs were, thinking of Sirius. His grey eyes rimmed with a darker hue as worry and doubt filled him, leaving him feeling empty as he left the room and started towards the stairs again with his orders in his hands.
As he reached the top of the stairwell he looked over towards Sirius' shut door wondering if he should go and talk to him first. You have an assignment. Get to it, his mind told him, and he knew that the orders in his hand were important to all of them, not just the two of them. He was being called to a higher purpose now, and Sirius would have to understand that. Maybe we need the time, both of us…for him to cool off and for me to realize what I'm actually going to say. Maybe this is the best course right now? That lone thought was the rationalization that Remus needed for the decision he silently made. Instead of going to speak to Sirius first and try and smooth it out a little he turned and went to his own room and started to pack.