The Right Motivations
"Hey." Jane swallowed, gently clearing her throat and trying again. "Garrus?"
He glanced at her over his shoulder even as he slowed to a stop. Scanning her, mandibles flaring as he scented the air, he turned to face her and took a couple of steps closer. "What's wrong?" he asked, voice low, as if to keep it between the two of them despite there being no one else really within ear shot.
"I don't—" She sucked in a deep breath and let out a soft, derisive snort, disgusted with herself. She sighed and rolled her eyes up at the ceiling. She shook her head as she listened to his swift, nearly silent footsteps close the distance between them. The whole thing just made her feel so … pathetic.
"Miranda isn't going to hurt you, Jane." John huffed. "But Garrus isn't going to mind, either, so just spit it out and get on with it already."
Garrus glanced around the room before cupping her shoulder and using it to guide her away from the doorway. "Jane, what is it? What's the matter?" He left his hand on her shoulder, watching her closely with his laser-like focus.
"Look, I thought I could do this, but—would you mind just staying with me?" She glanced toward the door Miranda disappeared behind a few moments before, waiting for Jane to follow her inside for 'very important' scans. "She still," Jane said, scoffing and raking a hand through her hair before lifting her chin. She met and held his gaze. "Miranda still scares the shit out of me."
He almost seemed to melt with relief and patted her shoulder before pulling his hand away. Humming, he nodded. "So … you want me to stick around and make sure she doesn't do anything she isn't supposed to? No weird experiments or new implants?" He flicked a mandible, expression shifting to a smirk as he glanced over her top to bottom and back again. "Or are you wanting me to make sure you don't do anything you're not supposed to?"
"Yes? All of the above?" She lifted her eyebrows. "Are you making fun of me, Vakarian?"
He chuffed, eyes twinkling despite his suddenly deadpan expression. "Never." Shifting his weight, he turned back toward the door and waved his arm outward. "After you, Commander."
Jane kept her distance from Miranda. The examination scans didn't go badly with Garrus there to keep her company, and true to her word, Cerberus' new leader didn't lay a finger on Jane. She stuck to whatever info her omni-tool and the various machines in her lab provided. Still, Jane just couldn't escape the horrors of the Lazarus Project, and every time Miranda came close enough for Jane to smell the woman's perfume, the sounds of her own, agonized screams started ricocheting around inside her skull.
"So," Jane said, shrugging, "how do you want to handle it? They're your people, you're in charge of this whole thing now. I think we should either turn them over to the Alliance or just kill them and be done with it, but John keeps saying Dawn wants me to trust you."
"Well, she does." A moment later, John added, "She's saying she can come back out to deal with Miranda if you need her to."
"No," Jane thought. "I got it."
"I'm impressed." Miranda's tone colored her smile in subtle shades of condescension, just enough to make Jane's hackles rise. "You managed to control yourself long enough for my opinion to even matter. You're showing significant improvements, Jane."
It took every bit of Jane's spine and every ounce of her will to keep her expression neutral, and to give nothing at all away as she stared at the other woman, waiting for an actual answer to the question. John chuckled, but lucky for him, he was smart enough to keep the comments to himself.
"I'm glad you did, though." Crossing the room, Miranda activated a vid screen which occupied half of the wall. Photographs of the Cerberus crew popped up on the screen, the same individuals Jane and Garrus managed to identify as threats, their names printed in a white typeface beneath the images. "Some of them may still be useful to us and to the war efforts if we handle the situation with care."
"How so?" Garrus asked, mandibles flicking out an agitated rhythm.
Glancing over her shoulder, Miranda gave him a soft smile before turning her attention back to the screen. "Tom McClanahan," she said, pointing at a picture of a man who appeared to be in his late thirties to early forties, "former Alliance intelligence officer responsible for tracking the movements of hostile forces and other perceived threats. He came to Cerberus after a disagreement with his superior officers on whether or not humanity should study the Council races for weaknesses. Well, more specifically, on how the Alliance should study the Council races for weaknesses. Needless to say, his drive to ensure humanity's place at the top received him a warm, Cerberus welcome."
"And you think he'll be helpful, how, exactly?" Jane asked, pulling out a chair and straddling it before crossing her arms on the backrest.
"While working with Cerberus, McClanahan gathered quite a bit of information, not just on the Council race species …" Miranda's gaze shifted briefly toward Garrus, but she never quite made eye contact before looking at Jane once more. "… but their worlds and space stations, too. Given the right motivation, McClanahan could track the movements of indoctrinated individuals across the galaxy. When the reapers arrive, that same knowledge can give our forces an edge."
"And if he doesn't buy your 'right motivation?'" Jane arched an eyebrow. A part of her hated to admit it, but Miranda might've been on to something.
"Agreed," John said, tone neutral but his attention focused on the conversation at hand.
"What is the 'right motivation?'" Avalina asked, shifting her weight.
Miranda glanced at the asari commando, dismissing her every bit as quickly as Jane might expect from the arrogant operative. To be fair, it was a good question, especially considering Cerberus' reputation. Jane's personal issues with Miranda aside, though, she didn't believe the woman would do anything too extreme. Not anymore.
"But what, exactly, counts as too extreme?" John asked.
"I don't know, damnit, John. Hush." Though muttered beneath her breath, Jane's words were loud enough to draw Garrus' and Avalina's notice.
Turning to brace her ass against the edge of a table, Miranda crossed her arms and met Jane's gaze. "Then we turn him over to the Alliance." She waved a hand, toward the image still on the vid screen. "His defection, alone, earned him a court-martial. Until then, I'll reassign them. I trust you'd rather choose your own replacements, from the Alliance or through the Council, perhaps?"
"What does it need to be functional?" Jane asked, standing over the inert mech. It didn't look exactly the same as the Eva Coré replica that beat the ever-living shit out of Kaidan before becoming EDI's new ride in Jane's lifetime, but it looked close enough.
"It is functional," Miranda said, crossing her arms loosely over her chest and shifting her weight to one hip. "It's just not perfect. You said—Dawn said there were limitations in range and—"
"EDI?" Jane called out, well aware the AI still monitored everything Jane said and did.
"Yes, Shepard?" EDI's voice filled Jane's ear.
"What's your opinion?" Jane glanced up at Miranda then Garrus and Jack before turning her attention back to the resting mech. "Does it need anything else, you think? Anything you can't do on your own, anyway?" She shifted her weight, mirroring Miranda's stance. "We can always use you on legs and combat-ready, but we don't want to rush it either. It's yours, you should have a say in what goes into it."
"She'll need access to the schematics," Miranda said, opening her omni-tool.
"I have already gained access," EDI said, projecting her voice through a console set into the side of the fabrication machine where the body lay, "and am cross-referencing the data with other known mech designs as well as consulting with Legion."
Miranda's cheeks took on a slight flush and the muscles of her jaw next to her ears twitched a couple of times before she relaxed. Closing her omni-tool, she crossed her arms and cocked her hip out again. "I would prefer it if you did not hack into Cerberus files, EDI. I'm willing to share everything we have, so there isn't any need, and doing so undermines my tenuous grasp on the leadership of this organization."
Leaning forward, fists pressed to the metal edge of the table, Jane hid her smirk by turning her attention back to the mech. Jack's snicker, however, tore a chuckle from Jane despite herself. Miranda scoffed but didn't say anything else.
"Analysis complete." EDI's response drew everyone's attention. "I believe this unit's current state is more than sufficient for my current needs. I can assume immediate control, if that is your desire, Shepard. There are planned upgrades detailed in the schematics which I believe I can complete aboard the Normandy between missions with minimal assistance. I believe Garrus possesses the skills necessary to perform the physical tasks under my direction. Or, if time allows, they can be completed in a fraction of the time with geth assistance on Rannoch." After a brief pause, she added, "That is, if Persephone allows the schematics to be shared in their entirety with the geth."
Miranda huffed softly, her lips twitching in a smile. "It was created for you, EDI. I don't intend to reuse this specific design. If Shepard trusts the geth enough to allow it, then I have no reason to disagree."
"Do we trust the geth enough to allow it?" John asked. "We know for a fact that when push came to shove, they turned to the reapers." He chuckled. "Nevermind, Dawn's tearing into me for that one."
Jane glanced at Garrus, and he dipped his head. She shoved off of the tank's counter and took a step back. "Suit up, EDI."
~69696969~
Dawn imagined herself sitting on the edge of a bed in a motel room, the same one she spent the night in before joining the Normandy. It seemed like decades in the past. She looked around, her memory providing her with an imperfect representation. It was the last place, the last time the galaxy made any sense. The last time she felt sane.
"No offense, doll, but I don't think any of us were ever truly sane." Elijah sat down on the bed next to her, and she actually felt it dip beneath his weight. "Why are you doing this? How long are you going to hang out in here taking these little trips down memory lane while Jane's crazy ass takes charge out there?"
Dawn shrugged. "Where are we now?"
"Back on the Normandy. On our way to The Illusive Man, hopefully." Turning to sit sideways, he pulled one leg up onto the mattress and faced her. "You think you'll actually get him this time?"
"I think I have a promise to keep, and I intend to follow through." Dawn glanced his way, taking in the faint, glowing, red lines cutting through the imaginary skin of his face. "I keep my promises. Especially this kind, just like you."
Smirking, he turned again and collapsed back on the mattress. Lacing his fingers together, he used his palms as a pillow and let his legs dangle over the foot of the bed. "To Jack? Because you finally realized you have feelings for her, too?"
"To The Illusive Man. I promised him a bullet between the eyes." She sighed and went limp, falling onto the bed next to him. "And yeah, to Jack, but not because of what I feel for her." Turning her head to look at Elijah, she smiled and said, "Now that you're done gawking at Miranda, show me what it was like growing up on Earth."
~69696969~
"Mordin has expressed an interest in speaking with you in private, Shepard." EDI said, interrupting Jane's train of thought.
"Tell him to come on up," Jane said, gaze still glued to her console as she sorted through the handful of new messages.
"He is on his way," said EDI. "Shepard?"
"Hmm?" Jane opened a message from Emily Wong.
"Jeff has family on Tiptree," EDI said, and the unexpected mention of the pilot's name sent Jane reeling as the amalgamation lost its shit. "One of the pieces of information Dawn provided is that Tiptree is attacked early on in the reaper invasion, and that you and the others believe that Joker's family dies as a result."
Jane swallowed the saliva building up in her mouth, hot and biting beneath her tongue, and tried like hell to hold onto something solid to weather the storm of emotions. "I'm aware, EDI. Is this … the amalgamation isn't handling this line of conversation too well, is there a reason we're having this discussion?"
"Amalgamation?" Confusion first, and then concern, colored EDI's words. "Ah. I believe I understand. This must be the name given to those Dawn absorbed. I'll add this to her records."
"EDI?" Jane didn't mean to sound so short, but her tone cut through the air.
"Yes, of course. Sorry, Shepard. I'm aware Dawn intends to ensure Tiptree's evacuation goes more smoothly than in other times; she refused to even allow Jeff to know because she believed it could all be avoided. My question is, now that Jeff's body has been buried on Tiptree, will his family be required to leave him behind during the evacuation?"
"Oh, Jesus." John sounded distant, hidden beyond the amalgamation but just as restless, disturbed.
"Are you suggesting we have Joker's …" The door to her cabin slid open. "… body exhumed?" Jane asked, head spinning, intrusive thoughts and emotions tearing her in a hundred different directions as Mordin stepped over the threshold.
"Body exhumation?" He stopped glancing between Jane and EDI's hologram.
Jane swallowed again and licked her lips. "She's asking about … Joker."
Mordin's relaxed posture suddenly became more rigid, his movements more measured as he took a couple more steps inside, allowing the door to close behind him. "May be appropriate time for breathing exercises."
"Jeff's body was returned to his family on Tiptree," said EDI, "but Shepard's records indicate it will be necessary to evacuate Tiptree once the reapers arrive."
"Conversation for another time, EDI," Mordin insisted, opening his omni-tool. "Jane, breathe. Need to perform scans while experiencing distress. Respect boundaries, but important." He came closer, morphing from grandfather into STG operative as he walked, clearly preparing for her to lash out.
"Jeff should stay with his family," EDI insisted, completely ignoring Mordin, "if he is not going to be with the Normandy."
"EDI!" Mordin stopped in his tracks, voice stern, commanding as he turned his head but not his body toward the hologram. "Enough!"
"No! It's not enough." EDI snapped back.
The amalgamation stilled. Everything stilled.
"She's never done that before." Dawn's voice whispered in place of John's, her heartache flooding the connection to Jane. Still, she didn't yank Jane's chain, didn't pull her back inside.
"The reapers don't just kill their victims, Professor." The level of vitriol and panic in the AI's voice wasn't just new, it was perfection. Solid. Real. Indistinguishable from human. And it hurt so much to hear. "What's to stop them from using his body to turn him into one of their monsters? Using him against us?"
"I'm coming out, Jane," Dawn said, "she needs me."
"Wait," Jane pressed, "give me a chance to sort this one out. Please?"
Sliding back her chair, Jane stood, taking a slow deep breath. "Hurry up and take your scans, Doc." She crossed the room, moving past Mordin to stand in front of the blue hologram. She put her hand on the cool metal of the ship's wall, distantly aware the salarian followed her over to do his scans.
"You're right, EDI." She swallowed, taking another slow, deep breath. "And it's a terrifying thought. We've never seen anything to suggest the reapers disturb the graves of the dead, though. This is the first time we've lost …." Jane's voice cracked, and tears welled in her eyes. She growled and sucked in another deep breath, swiping a finger beneath her eyelids. "This is the first time we've lost Joker, but we've lost others before. Dawn's lost others, too. You know the list of names. Our job, our duty is to protect the living, however. Joker is gone, and we can't bring him back. I don't think he'd want us to, even if we could. Even with something like Project Lazarus. And digging up his body," Jane said and then paused to dry her eyes again, "would traumatize his family in ways Joker would never want. I don't think you really want that, either."
"I'm … I don't know what to do with these emotions, Shepard." EDI's voice softened. "What is the point of feeling this if not to do something about it?"
"You just feel it, EDI. You feel it and you let it help you remember, learn, connect to others." Jane leaned forward, resting her forehead against the wall and closed her eyes. "But you don't let it control you or turn you selfish. You don't do things that hurt others because you think it might make your own pain stop. He'll still be there, safe in the ground, when his family returns to their homes."
"I think I need more time to adjust to my growing algorithms. I won't allow this to interfere with my duties, Commander. On or off the field." EDI's voice seemed to normalize, her emotions retreating for the time being.
"Maybe you should spend some time exploring the ship and talking to people from your new mobile platform. It seemed to help you figure out people and emotions in the past. The other you. Whatever. I know this time is very different, but it still might help."
"I will do as you suggest," EDI said. "I apologize for upsetting you and the others."
"No, it's okay, EDI." Jane stepped back to look at the hologram. "I'm glad you came to me with this, and I hope talking through it with me actually helped."
"I think it did," Dawn said, voice soft, melancholic.
"I believe it did. Thank you, Shepard." EDI's hologram began collapsing in on itself. "Logging you out."
"Impressive." Mordin's voice drew Jane's attention back to him. He watched her, calm, curious, the grandfatherly figure once again as he closed his omni-tool.
Grunting, she glanced at the old salarian before heading for the stairs. "What can I do for you, Mordin?" She made her way down to the couches and took a seat, propping her elbows on her knees and rubbing her face. The ache in the center of her chest persisted, leaving her vulnerable, raw, and exposed.
"Wanted to discuss request received from one of krogan females. Can wait for another time." His voice came from nearby, so apparently despite his offer, he anticipated an invitation to continue, otherwise, why bother with the stairs.
"Stay. Have a seat." Leaning back, she collapsed against the leather cushions. "What request?"
"Contacted by Gatatog Pamar. Wishes to join Normandy for mentorship and assist in war efforts." He crossed to the other side before sitting diagonal to Jane. "Wishes to further research on human reproductive and population control methods from information EDI provided Urdnot Wrex."
Jane watched him for a moment, trying to understand what about the request required a private audience. "And?" Adjusting herself again, she sat more upright and settled into the crook of the armrest. "What's your concern with this?"
"Aware of contention with Gatagog clan. Caused Urdnot Wrex problems with unification of clans, interrupted Grunt's Rite of Passage, tried killing you." Mordin waved his hand dismissively as if the two, broken statements explained everything.
In truth, his lack of exposition raised far more questions. Jane waited him out, watching without comment.
After nearly a whole minute of silence, Mordin's shoulders drooped, and he turned his focus to the surface of the coffee table. "Last protégé responsible for experimentation on krogan females." The wariness in his voice highlighted his age but somehow soothed Jane's wounded heart. "Never suspected such behavior possible from Maelon. Failed to see impact of teachings, research, work on genophage modification on his thinking. On mental health until too late." Glancing up at her again, he straightened and squared his shoulders. The mask of a soldier slid firmly back into place, he lifted his chin and sniffed. "Unwise to foster another such relationship. Potential for catastrophic consequences too high. Still, obligated to bring request to commanding officer."
"Mordin," Jane said, shifting to the edge of the couch to lean forward and rest her elbows on her knees, hands clasped over the table. "Maelon's decisions were his own. You know my thoughts on the genophage and your work, but you didn't make Maelon do what he did. He cracked. He couldn't handle things, and I get that, I'm not sure I wouldn't have lost my head in his place. But what he did …. Mordin, that's not on you. We can't always control what happens to us in life, but how we respond, that's our choice and no one else's."
"Haven't spoken about this yet …." Mordin opened his omni-tool, fingers running over the orange, hologram of a screen. "Maelon made contact after genophage cure. Reconfirmed belief work on Tuchanka justified. Indicated our cure proof Maelon's work necessary. Ends justify means. Suggested focus lost, edge lost working with Normandy crew. Unable to see reality of situation."
Jane snorted. "The reality of the situation is he performed sick, twisted experiments on both the willing and unwilling not because he thought it was the right thing to do but because his own guilty conscience brought out the worst in him. What we saw on Tuchanka was his darkness, not yours. What he said in that message is nothing more than a man lying to himself to protect himself from 'the reality of the situation.'"
"Believed in work on genophage modification," Mordin said, still staring at his omni-tool screen.
"You've both made mistakes, chosen harmful paths in the name of the greater good." Jane turned her palms out. "The difference is, you've owned up to yours, and you're doing something to genuinely help. Even before joining the Normandy, you were questioning your choices on some level and finding ways to come to terms with the pain and suffering you helped cause without hurting more people. You chose to be personally involved in the continued monitoring of the genophage because you needed to see the impact in person, and you wanted to make sure it didn't have a greater negative impact on the population than planned. And you opened a clinic on Omega; talk about a thankless, selfless job."
Mordin stood and closed his omni-tool, tucking his hands behind his back.
"It's like I just told EDI," she said, flinging her arm back to point in the direction of the AI's access node, "we don't let our emotions make us selfish. We don't do things that hurt people to try to make ourselves feel better. That's what Maelon did."
Mordin winced, the shift almost too small for her to notice. He looked at the cabin floor for a moment. "Thank you, Shepard. Will think about points made."
"I'm not telling you that you have to mentor Padmar." She stood and moved to stand in front of him, not blocking his path but demanding his acknowledgement with her presence. "That's your choice to make, period. If I decide to take her aboard, you don't have to work with her on that level if it isn't what you want. She can still be useful, and EDI can help her with the research. What I am going to tell you, though, is choosing not to mentor Padmar because of something Maelon said or did is simply a disservice to the krogan people and even the entire galaxy," she said, reaching out to palm both of his shoulders, squeezing gently and jostling him to drive home her point, "because you are an amazing scientist and a good man, Mordin."
~69696969~
Garrus held Jack in his arms, pressed against his side. Her naked flesh warmed his hide, droplets of sweat still trickled over her skin to intermingle with the scent of their sex filling the air and soaking into his cot. The hum of the batteries mixed with the sounds of both of their panting breaths and pounding hearts, cradling his mind and gently carrying him toward sleep.
"Where is he?" Jack asked, her voice far more alert than Garrus' ego appreciated after all the effort he just put into making her lose her mind. "Shepard never actually said where we're going."
The coordinates had already been set, they were on their way. It wasn't really a secret from anyone aboard the Normandy anymore, but still, the whole thing left his hide tight and twitchy. He didn't like the idea of talking about it if there was any chance someone still loyal to The Illusive Man might be listening in. He held his breath, mandibles flicking out the rhythm of his own indecision.
"Garrus?" She dug her elbow into his side, not enough to hurt, just enough to make sure she had his attention.
Grateful her human ears probably wouldn't pick up on the worry laced through his subvocals, or even really understand it if she did, he let out the breath and said, "Shanxi."