You walk forward into the dank room. Wiping away a large amount of dust off of a rather worn-looking desk, you see a leather-bound, handwritten book. In gold ink, the cover reads 'How to Raise a Plaga' and under it, in three different handwritings, the names of the apparent authors of this… interesting piece of literature. You look the book after wiping some more dust off of it; you were looking for something to read anyway…
How to Raise a Plaga: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know (And More)
By: Ramon Salazar, Bitores Mendez, and Osmond Saddler (Why is my name last? It's alphabetical. Uh… No it's not. Shut up! )
You blink a few times, turning away form the cover of the book. 'These guys are a couple of raisin cakes!' you think. 'They sound like they're just having a conversation; not writing a book!' Unable to just put down the book and turn away (like any sane person would), you open the cover to the first page.
Introduction
So, you want to be part of the Los Illuminados, huh? Well, you've just made a huge mistake. The same one I made a few years ago. In my defense, however, it was Mardi Gras and I ran out of beads!
What the hell are you talking about?
I have no clue (sweatdrop)…Uh… (sweatdrop?)
It shows embarrassment and sheepish-nish.
Nish?
Look, I'm nineteen! I'm allowed to make stupid mistakes! It's like my job or something...I'm 46 and I'm still allowed to make mistakes… And Saddler's 80 and he can make mistakes, too.
What!
Oh, I'm sorry… 81.
(Growls)
I uh… (sweatdrop?) I'm just going to shut up know… Yeah…
Well, this has been a fantastic way to waste a page… Do you both know how much I spent on this book?
Do you even know how rich you are?
Yeah, Ramon! You live in a frickin castle!
It's inherited; I didn't buy the damn thing!
Oh, yeah, it's inherited… JUST LIKE YOUR MASSIVE FORTUNE!
Just like your massive head!
Was that supposed to be an insult?
If it was, it completely sucked, my friend.
Well… Yo mama's so dumb; when she took the SATs they thought the dodo came back from extinction!
What does that even mean?
It's a 'Yo mama' joke. Did you just make that up on the top of your head?
Yes I did. I'm proud of it, too.
Quite.
Okay. I know you both have a serious case of ADD, and I know that you refuse to take your Ritalin, but can we please try and stay on topic?
I'm not gonna try; I'm ADD and PROUD, bitches! Oo! A penny!
Well, I suppose that on top of Ramon's complex about his parents never being there when he was young, he was bound to develop something more that a slight case of depression…
Hey! I had a good life, yeah! You bet your ass I did! Yeah! You wanna arm wrestle?
Friend, I'd break your arm off. And I don't want that to happen.
Well, I might have ADD, but at least I don't have schizophrenia!
We don't either; Schizophrenia is not the same as speaking telepathically.
Did you do research on this in your free time?
No. My college major was psychology.
It was?
Yes, it was. Now, if you both please, may we simply end this introduction? It has no point and it truly embarrasses you both.
Hey! I don't need any help embarrassing myself, thank you!
I noticed.
As did I.
You both suck… I'm going out back to play with my dogs.
You might not want to do that…
Why not? They're mine!
Yes, but now they're infected with the Plagas. They're dangerous, you idiot.
Too fucking bad! Good-bye!
You stare at the page 'What the hell?' you wonder. 'I've read many weird things in my life; but this honestly takes the proverbial cake!' You look around to see if anyone else is around. Seeing no one, you close the book and put it in your backpack. 'No one'll miss this thing. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the only one who knows that this is here…' You shoulder your bag and walk out of the room, anxious to read more of your new novel.
$$!$#$# AUTHOR'S NOTES $$!$#$#
Yo, ma homies! (Sorry; I couldn't resist.) Anywho… I'm not really sure if I like the whole second person PoV thing, so that's really just in the works at the moment. The whole idea of this is just to give me something really stupid and pointless to write. I'm honestly not expecting reviews for this, but I will probably update this piece of crap whenever I have a case of writers' block and I need something to break it. So, yeah. It'll be a really random story that has no set plot and no point whatsoever. I'll let the content reflect my mood at the time, so when I'm depressed, guess what, this'll be depressing. When I'm feeling rather ADD, it'll turn out like this chapter. My whole point in saying this is dont count on it being random and funny the whole way through. Okay, now that I've bored you to death… Review if you want to; I honestly don't care.
Peace OUT!
Snow Puff