Yay! More reviews! (Rather than using the 'reply' feature, I'm using this because I had my responses all typed out before it was added. So yeah, this'll be the last chapter that has review responses. How sad.)
To The Yorkshire Merchant – Now with added sugar: I'm glad you liked the Merchant; that dude kicks ass. I would normally agree with you about the height difference but you know what they say… Opposites attract and all… Then again I've been known to come up with weird pairings, so it could just be that.
P.S. Love the new name, by the way.
To Kadaj: Thank you. I love entertaining people – 'tis my passion in life, you know. Mendez should scare you. The dude is seven feet tall; if he doesn't scare you then there is quite possibly something wrong with you. And now he's gay. EAT THAT DUBYA!
To Jhon 117: Yeah, those dogs… They're something else, eh? If you know who Salazar is, then you've met Mendez; you probably just don't know his name. Mendez is the village chief, AKA The (I-hate-you-Luis) 'Big Cheese'. Honestly what the fuck was Capcom smoking when they came up with that? It's two-thousand-freaking-five! No one uses that expression anymore! That was popular in the 40's along with 'bee's knees' and 'cat's meow'! Ugg! Anyway, my rant is now over. So if you still don't know who he is, he's the really tall dude with the fake eye.
To Skarto: Thank you! I'm writing more. Hopefully you'll like this chapter just as much as the others.
P.S. I wrote this chapter while listening to 'Down with Sickness'; you've gotten me obsessed with that song! Disturbed could well be my new favorite band. Gracias, mi amigo!
To Coneko: Yes! I have done something that has been considered 'kute' by the masses! My life's work is complete!
I'm taking a momentary break from the book plot (if there even is a plot, that is) because it's almost the holidays! And y'all know what that means, RELITIVES FROM HELL! Now, you'll be able to see why poor, poor Ramon is so Goddamn screwed up… Aside from Saddler's little intrusion. I'm doing this in 3rd person, because I just can't figure out how this would work any other way.
Omigod! I just finished the PS2 version of RE4 (my friend bought it) and I got to play Separate Ways! It's so much fun! I don't like Ada. Period. But now I must admit that Ada and her Bowgun is one kick-ass combo. So, it's definitely worth a rent! And you get to find out what actually happened to Leon's jacket.
BIG NOTE: I do not discriminate! I'm not anti-Semitic! My Jewish friend helped me to write this chapter, so yeah. Oh yeah, I don't want to offend gay people either. Just thought I'd throw that in there. Also, I kinda went over board with the use of 'naughty words'. If strong language and such easily offend you, don't read this chapter. I would have bumped the rating up, but I don't think that one chapter filled with 'f-word' goodness deserves an M rating.
Chapter 3 - The Plot Thickens: The How to Raise a Plaga Christmas Special
Ramon Salazar hated the holidays. He hated everything about them. The cheer, the commercialism, and most of all, he hated that his family came to visit. Mendez already knew what they were like. Saddler, Krauser, and Luis, however, had no idea that the other Salazars had lived in New York for a time and convinced themselves that they were Jewish; They even painstakingly converted and had their Bar/Bat-Mitzvahs. Most children would be proud; Salazar was pissed. They changed their heritage completely. One of his uncles changed his name from Carlos to Charlie, the other from Eduardo to Eddy. Carlos/Charlie's wife changed her name from Ella to Betty, Eduardo/Eddy's wife changed from Esmeralda to Emmy.
And that's not even including his parents. His mother changed from Labonita to Carol and his father changed from Lord Ramon Salazar the Seventh, to Lord-I-Own-A-Deli-In-The-Upper-West-Side-And-I-Go-To-Temple-Every-Saturday-And-My-New-Name-Is-Murray… The First.
December 24
2100 hours
The Entryway
Salazar's family was due any minute at his (and, formerly, their) castle and, though he wouldn't readily admit it, he was rather nervous. He was pacing back and forth in his entryway, waiting for his yearly death to come about in the form of Aunt Betty and Aunt Emmy, Uncle Charlie and Uncle Eddy, and his psychotic parents. "Why the hell are you so freaking nervous?" Krauser said oh, so eloquently. "I mean, c'mon! How crazy can your family be?"
"Pretty Goddamn crazy…" Mendez mumbled, remembering last year with a shudder. He would never be able to look at Ramon in the same way again. Even though looking at naked baby pictures for two hours would drive any normal man insane, he had to admit Salazar was kinda cute as a baby.
Suddenly remembering last year's 'incident', Salazar stopped his pacing and ran over to his taller friend. "Don't," he said through his teeth, "mention last year to the others, m'kay? My dignity's at stake here."
"That's going to be hard; You had a pretty adorable ass as a baby…" Salazar reacted faster than most people would have in that same situation; He jabbed his elbow hard into Mendez's nuts, who promptly fell to the floor in pain, loosing all hope of ever having children.
"Now what are we going to 'forget'?" Salazar whispered kneeling down next to the poor man.
"The pictures…" Mendez said, he voice three octaves higher than normal. "Damn… You have really hard elbows… I swear to God… Once I'm not in immense pain… I'm coming to kick your scrawny white…"
Ding Dong! Salazar's doorbell decided to ring just at that moment. Huzzah for clever ways to censor things, eh? "Ramon!" a horrid screech from beyond the door said. "Break out the menorah! Your family's here!"
"Menorah?" Saddler said raising an eyebrow.
"You'll see," Salazar said back to him, walking toward the door. Slowly, he put a hand on the doorknob and turned it. "Madre! Padre! Tios! It's so wonderful to see you all here again." Through the door walked six people that looked so much like Salazar the others couldn't help but be a little afraid. All seven of the Salazars had pale white skin, white hair, and not one of them was over 3 foot 4 aside from Ramon, who was proud to say that he was 3'6''.
"Oy vey! Ramon! Ya neva visit! Ya neva caul! Wada we gonna do wit chu?" his mother screeched. Ah, another similarity: a squeaky, screechy voice. The only difference was the thick Spanish accent was replaced with an English-language killing Jersey accent.
With a small ahem, Saddler leaned next to Salazar's ear and whispered, "I thought you said they were Catholic."
Turning his head to face Saddler, Salazar mumbled, "They were Catholic." Turning back to his 'loving' parents Salazar said, "Sorry, Madre. I've been busy…"
"Yeah! Yer always busy! But whateva… Oh my Gawd! Look how big he is! Murray! Look at how big he is! Ma little baby's grown up!"
Meanwhile, Aunt Betty was flirting with Krauser. "Well, at least I know that my nephew has at least one good friend. Ya kinda good lookin, ya know that?"
Oh sweet Jesus! I have a 96-year-old woman flirting with me! What did I ever do to deserve this? I should have just stayed dead! "Thank you?"
"Hey! Betty! Adultery's against the 10 Commandments! You shmuck!" Uncle Charlie shouted at her.
"There's nothin in the Commandments against flirting with someone whose betta looking than your husband or with someone whose got a bigga d– "
"Alright!" Ramon shouted, not missing a beat. "I'm starting to get a little hungry. Let's have some dinner!"
"Yeah. Dinna sounds nice. Yer a sweet kid…" Uncle Eddy said.
December 24
2400 hours
The Garden
"I hate my family!" That one simple phrase traveled through the garden, past the fountains, the hedges, the walls, past the Colmillos' cages (causing the poor beasts to whimper), through his bedroom, and through the rest of his castle, echoing for effect.
"I hate your family, too. Your psycho aunt was hitting on me! What the hell is she thinking? She's crazy old!" Krauser said.
"We need to do something to get rid of your family, Salazar," Saddler said coolly. "They could well jeopardize our whole plan."
"Trust me when I say this, my family won't just leave unless we do something retarded and desperate that they wouldn't appreciate…"
"Like, for example," Luis said with a slight snicker, "seeing you kissing a man over twice your age and twice your height?"
"For the record, you'd need to be seven feet tall to be twice my height. You're only 5'4'' Luis; you're short for a man. You got that, you little bitch? And, yeah that would probably work. But where are we going to find a man over twice my age and twice my height willing to do it?"
You know that strange feeling you get when you aren't paying attention to a conversation and suddenly people are staring at you expecting you to know what they're talking about? That was the very same feeling that Bitores Mendez was feeling after that moment. Laughing, darting puppy-dog brown eyes; smart-ass, but slightly worried grey-blue ones; old, tired pale ice blue eyes that just wanted to go to sleep at that point; and finally pleading, praying, hopeful and maybe even lustful green eyes with a hint of gold fell on Mendez's face, waiting for his reaction.
"I'm sorry, I think I just heard something crazy in my ear; did you all just ask me if I was willing to start kissing Ramon in front of his family?"
"Bitores…" Salazar said delicately, "I don't ask you for much…."
"Bullshit! Three hours ago you wanted me to forget last year when your psychotic fucking family showed me all those damn naked baby pictures!"
"Well… I never ask you for anything pertaining to this subject…"
"And I damn well don't want your perfect record to be tarnished now!"
"Bitores… Please…" Salazar felt his eyes tear up. "I can barely stand three hours with those people let alone the next three weeks!"
"I swear…" Saddler said with a sigh, "that I won't take any pictures… No matter how much I might want to."
"Just pretend you are me," Luis said matter-of-factly, "and you just met a beautiful woman, or in this case a deformed little man (stop glaring at me, Ramon, you know it's true), at a bar. You're a little tipsy; she, or in this case he, is a little tipsy. One thing leads to another and that leads to a cheap room in a Motel 6 and in the morning, you leave quietly, get an AIDS test and never see her, or in this case him, again."
"Luis, you are my new role-model," Krauser said.
"Alright then; we need to make a plan – " Saddler said.
"Whoa! I never said I'd do it!" Bitores shouted.
"… Please… I need you to do this…" Salazar said looking up at Mendez hopefully.
"Now when you say 'need'…" Luis said, not able to resist.
"Not like that! W-we just need to get my family out of the house!" Salazar shouted, blushing a deep red color. Damn. I think I officially just scared Bitores… I need to submit everything I say to my lawyer for revisions before I open my big fat mouth. Salazar thought mentally slapping himself.
Does he… Mean that? Mendez though, a slight pink-ish hue tinting his cheeks. I'm honestly just fooling myself… All he needs is his parents gone, you bitch.
December 25
1030 hours
The Lounge
"Are you sure you want to do this…" Mendez said, with a heavy gulp.
"Yes… A-anything that'll get rid of my family, right?" Salazar said with an uneasy laugh.
"Ya know… If you told your parents that you murdered someone, they'd probably leave in a hurry, too… Just thought I'd mention that as an alternative…" Smooth, Bitores… Real smooth…
"I guess that would work, too…"
"Oh for Christ's sake!" Saddler said, taking a flying leap into the deep end, away from his normally calm façade. "You two both think the other is sexy; stop being fags about it! Or rather, start being fags about it! You already agreed that you'd kiss eachother; don't change the damn plan to murder! Thank you."
"I don't think Bitores is sexy! And just for the record, I'm not gay," Salazar said with a smart-ass look.
"Same here. Only I think I do look sexy, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about me not thinking Ramon is sexy," Mendez said, looking kind of confused by his own logic. And that's me, babbling like an idiot…
"Keep in mind, I can read your thoughts…" Saddler said with a slight smirk.
Salazar and Mendez looked at Sadder, to eachother, then back at Saddler, both of them hoping it was some strange practical joke. "Yeah. I've known about this ever since I met the both of you. Just an FYI, the whole 'releasing Las Plagas' thing wasn't caused by me brainwashing poor, sweet, defenseless Ramon. Yeah fucking right! That little bastard is a hell of a lot tougher than you'd think. He wanted to do it in order to impress you Bitores. It's part of that strange mating ritual you humans have… What do you call it...? Flirting! That's the word I was looking for. The majority of said mating ritual is still sort of fuzzy for me, though. Just thought I'd throw that out there."
"In that case we need to educate you," Luis said with a wink, "so you can get a new woman every night and live the life of a true man."
"Or, if you have morals," Bitores mumbled, "you'll get married, like me."
"Married?" Salazar shouted, and with a heavy sigh, his voice became less shocked and more disappointed, "Married…"
"You're married? To who?" Krauser asked.
"Stella Bella."
"Then the plan's off," Salazar said, walking toward the door.
"But…" Saddler mumbled, trying to save his precious plan.
"No. I'm not going to put Bitores's marriage at steak; and plus have you seen Stella Bella? She's got a frickin' chainsaw! I don't want Bitores to die just to get my parents to leave. He'll get his head chopped off if she finds out…"
"Or, knowing most women…" said Luis, with a grimace, "he'll get something else chopped off that is far more vital to me than any of my other organs!"
"Here, here!" came Krauser's semi-drunk sounding reply.
"Um…" Salazar started, looking at Luis like he was a madman. "I think my brain and heart and liver and lungs are slightly more important… But that's just me."
"Seconded," Mendez mumbled.
"See! You two even have the same beliefs when it comes to your penis! You're perfect for eachother!" Luis said with a grin.
"We're sticking with the God-damn plan! And we're not changing it in incorporate Mendez's marriage, chainsaws, murder, or… the belief of your penis! Is that clear to everyone?" Saddler said trying to keep his voice down.
"Yessir," Luis squeaked.
"That was an… interesting noise."
"If you thought that was an interesting noise, you should hear me when…"
"Don't finish that sentence, Luis."
"Can I get just a little liquored up so I'll have a good excuse to tell Stella if she finds out?" Mendez said with a shrug.
"Then Ramon's parents will be able to use the same excuse," Saddler said stoically. "And plus using excuses makes you a pussy. And as men, yes even gay men, we are legally obligated to not make excuses."
"No, Saddler," Krauser said raising his hand. "You're confusing women and men again. Using excuses makes you a dick. And none of us here are gay. Don't even try to argue with me, because, as an American, I need to be homophobic and deny everything even though it is so blatantly obvious a retard could figure it out. And I also need to vote for other retards who want to make dumb-ass amendments, go to war, take away women's choices, give the rich big old tax cuts, take away our privacy, and drill oil like there's no tomorrow." (AN: Who do you think I voted for during the last election?)
"Well… He has a point… And he is American… So he must know what's best for everyone in the entire world. Even people of different religions, races, sexes, regions, and cultures," Saddler said sarcastically. "Stop being such an American ass-hole, Krauser! You're on our side now, not the side of your so-called 'Land of the Free'! So STFU and grab me some booze… And while you're at it, find me some black nail polish and a nail file; I broke a nail." Four very frightened people stared directly at Saddler's face. "I'm Rick James, bitch," Saddler said mimicking Dave Chappelle, popping the hood on his purple robe.
December 25
1900 hours
The Dining Room
"I hate to say it, Ramon, but…" Mendez said as the five cultists sat in the dining room, awaiting the elder Salazars to arrive for 'dinner', "I almost feel sorry for your family…"
"This is exactly how it happens! First you 'almost' feel sorry. Then it's 'kinda'. And the next thing you know, two weeks have passed by and you've died a little inside! No, damn it! This year we're going to kick those jack-asses out, once and for all!" Salazar said, Krauser waving the US flag behind him for effect. "Krauser! Stop doing that! I'm Spanish you sick son of a bitch!"
The dinner bell rang, and the Salazars all piled into the dining room asking the same question: "Wha's fer dinna?"
And at that moment, nothing else mattered. The Salazars' gasping screams didn't matter… The fact that Saddler was taking out his video camera didn't matter… The fact that Luis was silently counting the seconds didn't matter… The fact that my readers are all gagging while reading this didn't matter… The only thing that mattered at that one moment in time was Salazar and Mendez, lips pressed together. Sadly, every moment has to end sometime… The Salazars' facial expression was frozen in a horrible grimace… Saddler put away his video camera thinking 'pay dirt' to himself… Luis ended his count at 48 seconds and 7 milliseconds… And my beloved readers wanted to jump off a cliff to get that horrible mental image out of their brain. "Well," Salazar's father said with a sigh, "we're awl very happy for ya." Mendez froze, his back rigid. What was that? 'Happy'? No! Damn it! I did not just do this to have them stay another two weeks… Son of a bitch!
Clearing his throat and trying to hide a blush, Salazar turned to his parents and said, "Hope you don't mind we're having cheeseburgers for dinner."
With a horrid screech, the Salazar family shouted as loud as they possibly could, "Ahhhhhhh! Cheeseburgers are not kosher!" And with that, the Salazars sprang from their chairs and ran out of the house as fast as their tiny little legs could carry them.
"Yes they're gone!"
"That was all you had to do to get rid of them? Show them a damn cheeseburger?" Mendez said, his anger rising, just ever so slightly.
With a smirk and a wink, Ramon Salazar nodded his head.
"So that was for nothing?" Mendez said, his one good eye twitched ever so slightly.
"Well," Salazar said with a shrug, "nothing's ever for nothing."
"I hate you. So. Damn. Much," with a small growl, Mendez's anger reached its peak. "Get over here, right now, you little, bitch!"
"Yeah, you'd like that, won't ya?"
"Bite me!"
"If you insist." Salazar said crossing his arms, like the smart-ass he was.
"You little –" Mendez sprang at his young friend, knocking him down and landing on top of him. Mendez's hands started wrapping around Salazar's thin neck as a threat.
"Rather compromising position, wouldn't you think?"
"You just don't know when the fuck to shut your mouth, do you?"
"Well, that's not exactly how I had it planned but…" Saddler said, raising an eyebrow.
"It's still pretty entertaining to watch, though," Luis said, hiding a laugh.
Krauser walked into the dining room at that moment, holding a six-pack of beer, black nail polish, and a nail file. Noticing Mendez on top of Salazar, with his hands squeezing Ramon's neck. "What. The hell. Did I miss?"
"The most interesting conversation you could possibly imagine…" Luis said, chuckling a bit.
"Something tells me that this went a little beyond an 'interesting conversation', Luis!"
"Ah!" Saddler exclaimed, sounding just like you would expect Ashley to. But we don't know about her yet, so just forget that last bit… "You've brought me my nail polish! My nails will be smexy once again!"
Krauser nearly dropped the beer he was holding. Luis stopped halfway through the first puff of his cigarette. Mendez stopped strangling Salazar. Salazar stopped choking.
Looking at eachother, Mendez and Salazar at the same time said, "That was the gayest thing I've ever seen."
And Now For A Public Service Announcement
Salazar, Saddler, Mendez, Luis, and Krauser sat on comfortable chairs, looking like the typical behind the scenes things that you see on really bad TV shows. Smiling a really big smile, Salazar said, "Hi, there. We've had some laughs tonight, but keep in mind; this isn't what the holidays are about."
Smiling just as wide, Krauser said in a semi-robotic voice, "That's right. It's about the birth of the messiah who will one day save us all. Well, in this group it'd just be me. But you know what I mean."
Saddler's eye twitched. "You traitor!" He roared, unleashing the claw-penis out from under his dress… Robe! I meant robe! Pointing it at Krauser's neck, Saddler shouted, "Where is your god now?"
With an uneasy glance, Luis gave an equally uneasy smile and said, "Actually the holidays are about something much more important. They're about spending time with your family and friends."
"No," Mendez said simply, not smiling at all, "the holidays are about the food and the presents."
"Actually, you're all wrong," Salazar said, his wide smile never leaving his face. "The holidays are all about using eggnog to take advantage of your close friends and not have them remember in the morning."
"Wow. I'm rubbing off on you, Ramon," Luis said with a small laugh.
"No, you're not," he said simply. Returning to his 'don't do drugs' tone of voice he said, "Remember kids, date-rape drugs might be illegal, but the law's on your side if you get the person piss-ass-drunk. It's even better if the person you're after is a cheep drunk like Bitores."
"So from all of us to you –" Mendez dully read off the cue card in front of him. Realizing what Salazar said, Mendez snapped his head toward his younger friend. "What did you just say?"
"Nothing."
"Anyway… From all of us to you, we wish you a Feliz Navidad!"
"Or," Salazar said with a smirk, "a happy Chanukah."
"Or a kick-ass Kwanza," Luis said.
"Or, if you're atheist," Krauser said wiping some blood off his face, "a happy Holy-Crap-I-Get-Free-Shit Day."
"Or if you are a Los Illuminados, like us," Saddler said glaring at all of his companions, "a Feliz Saddler's-Turning-304-But-He's-Not-Telling-Your-Ass-So-Bite-Me Day."
"304?" Luis said, raising an eyebrow.
"Did I say 304? I meant 34."
"Yeah… I'll take your word for it…"
Merry X-Mas, y'all! And have a very happy New Year! Some of the chapters after this one'll probably be a bit more depressing… After all, nearly a year after this chapter takes place Leon comes in and starts kicking people's asses. You'll get to see the true, manipulative side of Saddler in the next few chapters, so say hurrah!
This is Snow Puff signing off for her fantastical two-week holiday vacation! I get to see the King Tut exhibit tomorrow, too! "The Original King of Bling" how funny is that? Anyway, as usual feel free to review! Peace out!