Rowling's world.

No wasting your time.

Chapter 28. Christmas at (the) Order II.

The house was empty and silent above stairs. The living room was dark, and this time comforting. Severus sat on a sofa with shaking limbs. He could practically feel the tension leaving his body through all those involuntary tremors of his hands and knees. His heartbeat a ferocious rhythm, wilder than earlier in the kitchen, his vision darkened in the peripheries – he hid his face in his palms and tried to focus on breathing.

What the hell just happened? If he focused, he still felt her touch on his palm… now she was comforting the mutt, and Lily talked like his father…. no, not Lily, that wasn't her… wasn't her…. what would Sage say? What was she thinking when staring at him so baffled? Had he just lost her again? She would be a fool to believe him… no one ever believed him, she had already come so far… she knew what he was up to… now she knew his greatest sin… He gasped for air, not much short of a sob. No matter what happens, he could never win!

He thought of seeking her out but could only raise his head to stare at the door. He didn't dare face her. He was weak. No matter how much he chided himself for being pathetic, idiotic, a weak coward, he couldn't make himself give up his hiding place. Not yet, not now… Not when she chose to comfort the mutt. He should maybe have stayed and fight for her… perhaps if he tried harder, he could destroy that Horcrux… but he was not strong enough… not sane enough… it turned out he was less than a house elf. Again.

His thoughts turned towards the elf. He was grateful. He was surprised. Maybe the elf stayed. He'd left him in the kitchen!

"Chubby"

The elf turned up before he finished uttering his name.

"Master Professor deserves better friends, sir" – Severus wished he could laugh at his statement.

"How very observant you prove," – he mumbled acerbically – "The mutt is no friend of mine. So what are they up to now, Chubby?" - he risked to ask instead of what he wished to know, but the elf seemed to understand the question.

"Mistress Sage healed the dog-man's wounds. She asked the shape changer to get healing potions for the head and escorted the dog-man up to his room. Mistress Sage did not stay in the room, Master Professor. Opened the door, berated dog-man and said she would wait for the potion to work. Sits outside waiting still."

Severus stared at the elf. His tale was oddly comforting and disturbing at the same time. The most worrisome part was the elf knowing so well what he wished to hear. It was probably better to have him stay on his side if he knew him so well. Maybe better than any other.

His Slytherin mind began to calculate without him intending to do so.

"You are an exceptional elf, Chubby" – he told him truthfully. "What you did today was more than most had the courage to achieve. More than what I was prepared to do," - he admitted. "I will try to reward you for your deeds today. What would you wish for?"

"Chubby cans wish? Master Professor rewards Chubby?" – the house-elf squeaked in his excitement; his ears almost vertical with elation. "Chubby has everything, Master Professor…" – he grabbed about his left ear and began to chew it.

Severus knew this expression too well. He didn't notice he'd smiled.

"But?"

"Chubby has only one thing Chubby wants. But, Master knows, Master said impossible."

Severus slowly blew out a breath. "I cannot promise you more to serve than me, but I can talk to Dumbledore if you want."

Chubby jumped with joy.

"Chubby has MASTER! Finally, Chubby will serve properly!"

"I cannot see what makes this different from serving me at Hogwarts."

Oddly the elf chilled by his words, and if he didn't know better, Severus would have sworn he saw mischief in those big ball-like eyes.

"Master sees not yet,"- Chubby said with confidence. "Master will see."

"All right," – he sighed. "You must know the headmaster has yet to agree, I warn you, I cannot go against his judgement on this matter."

The elf reluctantly nodded.

"That will be all, Chubby. Unless… Can you make someone send Potter here when he returns? I shouldn't waste my time…."

"Potter-boy will come to Master," – Chubby promised and popped away.

Like all his promises, the elf kept this one also sooner and more efficient than Severus would ever have imagined. He sank into one of his Occlumency meditations he learned from Héloïse and didn't even notice the time until steps sounded just outside the door.

Severus waited in silence. Someone shuffled his feet, the doorknob clicked, but it didn't turn. Steps again, hesitant, retreating, then approaching – he was close to standing up and opening the door with an impatient grumble when the doorknob finally turned, and the boy stepped in with wariness scribed all over his face.

"You wanted to see me, Professor."

Why did he always sound as if adding the title was a chore?

"The Headmaster asked me to notify you, Potter, that it is his wish you study Occlumency the coming term."

The boy looked anxious and confused. Severus couldn't fathom what might go on in that head of his. He expected nothing good.

"Study what?"

"Occlumency, Potter, the magical defence of the mind against external penetration. An obscure branch of magic, but a highly useful one." – he explained with the patience he gathered while waiting here.

Unfortunately, Potter didn't show if he recognized the importance of the subject at all. Surely in his situation, one would have expected him to grab on the opportunity with both hands. But, instead, as if he wanted to prove his ineptitude, the boy asked back again:

"Why do I have to learn Occlumency?"

And here I thought I have just explained… - Severus sighed inside, but it was neither the time nor the place to get into details or to rile the child. Win his trust to make him learn – Dumbledore was out of his mind!

"Because the Headmaster thinks it's a good idea," – Severus summed it up, counting on the usual Gryffindor adoration for Dumbledore. "You will receive private lessons once a week, but you will not tell anybody what you are doing, least of all Dolores Umbridge. Do you understand?"

"Yes," – Potter replied. Severus wouldn't have minded if the boy addressed him in a less casual manner. "Who's going to teach me?"

It was hard not to show amusement; Severus thought he was obvious enough.

"I am."

Potter seemed more confused than ever. Merlin, did he think it was his joy?

"You are to begin on the first Monday after the Holidays at six o'clock in my office. Don't make me wait," – he finished with the warning only by sheer habit and stepped past the boy to leave and to have this madness finally behind him for a while.

Of course, Potter had to meddle as always.

"Professor Snape," – he heard a slight tremble in his voice and turned cautiously. "Why… Why does Professor Dumbledore want you to teach me? Does he… I mean… Why can't I talk to him at all?"

Severus could curse in his frustration. If this brat had any talent at all, it was sure to make himself a rare nuisance whenever he showed up!

"Because it is a Headmaster's privilege to delegate the less enjoyable tasks." - He turned to walk away, but Potter did not seem he had enough.

"He never behaved as if I was a task unlike you do… - Severus somehow swallowed the first half dozen answers that came to mind and were only glad he didn't face him. Of course, the brat had no idea! "Well, not until… a few days ago…."

The last words came only little more than a whisper, making Severus alerted in an instant.

"What happened a few days ago, Potter?" – he rounded on the boy.

"Nothing."

Severus knew that kind of a student's nothing way better than he wished. He stepped closer, trying to be less menacing than usually in vain. "I ask you, Potter, for your own good. What happened a few days ago?"

He watched the boy's sense fighting against his instincts until he finally decided.

"I felt the snake. I felt the snake again when I looked at him, and he sent me away."

Fuck! – he could have screamed with frustration again, and he tried his damnedest not to show his ire. This time it was not against the brat…

"How could I feel the snake,… sir? Why do I feel what Voldemort–"

Severus cringed. Who would use the name in such a conversation? Did this brat really have no sense for self-preservation at all?

"Do not say the Dark Lord's name!"

"Why? Dumbledore calls him on his name, he said–"

"We will have a lot of work to do on Monday, Potter. Do not be late!" – he decided to forego any explanation just yet. Not least among that work was to convince the brat he was not freaking Albus Dumbledore! – he added to himself.

"And will you then answer my questions?"

Severus only contemplated for a short second. Issue of trust – he told himself.

"Yes, Potter, I will."

Severus finally got out of the door. He walked briskly away, not with a rational intention to find Sage somewhere in the house, only led by instinct while his mind worked on the last information. He tried to process its meaning. If Potter feels the snake when facing the Headmaster, the Dark Lord worked out how to use the connection in record time! He knew he could curse and swear as much as he wanted; he would never change the facts. The last thing he wished for was to encounter the devil in the boy's mind… What if He already stayed there? What if He already knew…?

He heard his students' voices on the first floor and mounted the stairs to avoid them. He had to calm down; he was terrified. And somehow, calm meant her and her approval. He didn't contemplate the decision, only told himself he wanted to make sure she was safe. It was impossible to forget the dog's lecherous look when they stood above her in the kitchen before she – oh, gods! – before she found the Horcrux! She shouldn't trust the mutt any more than Black had surely already advised her against him… did she listen?

His questions found answers sooner than he thought possible, and in no way he would've wished for them. As soon as he reached the third floor's landing, he heard familiar voices through an open door.

"I know I've already said that, but I'm truly sorry for your loss. Maybe if he'd lived longer, you might… Do you spend much time here?"

"No, love, why?"

"This is addressed to you–"

"What? Let me see, gal'!"

Severus sneaked closer but dared not peek into the room. He heard a parchment rustling, then the mutt again.

"Why, I've almost forgotten this! Must be a stupid joke of that goddamned elf!" – Some more rustling and a short pause later, he continued: "Come here, love, come closer! See, this is exactly what I wanted you to know!"

"Oh, that baby is so cute!"

"Well, yes, sure"- his voice carried rare warmth that Severus found alien to him. "That cute baby is now Harry. It's a shame James doesn't show fully. You would have liked him, love, everybody liked him!" – he laughed. "You can see him in his son's face whenever you want. But here, look at her!"

Severus's blood ran cold. He didn't need to see inside the room to know who must have been the third one on that picture!

"Oh, she's so beautiful when she's not yelling!"

Black barked up a short laugh.

"Yes, she was, indeed" – he wistfully agreed. "You saw her recently, although she wasn't usually that keen to hurt… I don't know… maybe if she knew what was to come, she would have learned that…."

"Why did you want me to see her?"

"Because you need to understand, Sagie, she was the last one who trusted Snivellus."

Without his knowledge, out on the corridor, Severus doubled over as if he received a punch in his stomach. Black went on. "Look at her, love, look into her eyes and tell me, was she ready to die? Would you risk her life in a war?"

"Of course not."

"Of course," – Sirius repeated. "Yet she had to learn she couldn't trust him the hardest way! That filthy bastard paraded around with his knowledge of the darkest curses and befriended all those who wanted her kind to die! He'd called her a mudblood, for goodness's sake! And he had no shame lurking about her even after! I was there, love, I remember it all! First, she cried a river in the common room, then up in the girls' dorm. We did everything to cheer her up, all in vain. All the while, that black-hearted lowlife planted himself at the common room's door telling everyone who would listen, he wouldn't go until she came out to talk. Is that normal? Sane? I tell you, he is none of those! He had never been!"

"Sirius," – Sage tried to interrupt him. Severus couldn't fathom why.

"Just let me tell it, gal', so you can properly judge him! Are you surprised that James was livid? We all were livid! …of course, later he could make his move when the git finally had sod off, and here, now you see little Harry. They all died regardless…" – Black's voice carried sudden tiredness as if even talking about those years took his strength. "Merlin, I could use a drink!" – he sighed before he carried on. "And where's that git now? Parading still around even if we all knew his preferences, telling everyone he is "reformed" – he spat the word – "Take a look around! This is a room of a Death Eater! And the one who owned it you cannot find inside because that is how it works, love! That sodding elf keeps mumbling about Regulus, but whatever happened, he is dead. You cannot leave a crowd such as that is! You are either in or dead. Even if you are in, you'd better be prepared, and I tell you, Snivelly simply couldn't possibly leave! No way in hell! I doubt he even ever tried! He should be dead if he was decent. Dead like my brother, or James and Lily!"

"Sirius, I can tell you are angry with him, and I would lie if I said I cannot understand you, but–"

"You're only beginning to understand! This picture," – Severus could hear the parchment rustling. He leaned on the wall outside with his eyes closed by shame, guilt and fear. It only made his hearing sharper. "I remember where it was taken. The small living room they had in Godric's Hollow couldn't serve when Harry learned to climb. He was a right little rascal, making the cat jump and breaking all the different knickknacks… I couldn't go that Christmas, but I'd been there before. When Harry did magic for the first time and saved his grandma's blue porcelain saucer!" – he laughed more gently than Severus could ever recall.

While Black went on with his story, his mind drifted towards earlier memories. He knew that tea set since he was eight and a half. Mrs. Evans used to keep it in the cupboard, which had glass windows unlike the other they'd used for the mugs. He hadn't known that, and when Lily had invited him over for the first time, they'd played adults, and she'd made them tea. She'd served it in the blue porcelain, and they'd played on and on until Tuney had come home with their mother from the shop. Lily had been so frightened… turned out she should have used the mugs.

Four years later, when he'd last time been over, Mrs. Evans had made the tea, she had asked him about the school, and he'd politely lied. She'd used the same teacups, and that time it'd meant the world. As if she'd pronounced him worthy of the good stuff. His palms had been wet, and he'd been afraid not to break something. That'd been a week before they moved, and he'd never met the family again. So Lily kept the teacups… he wondered if she ever had thought of their playtime when she'd used them. Probably not. How ironic that her little brat of a son already had known to save that saucer before he could properly walk… for the first time, Severus admitted to himself that Harry Potter had once done something right.

"You see, gal'?" – Black's voice got through his reverie again. "I cannot have a girl like you call him a friend. I couldn't watch it all over again. He dares to pose as if he was one of us and deceives a smart and kind girl like you. I cannot have it, Sagie, you must see I can't." – To crown all the misery of the eavesdropper, his voice was suspiciously tender. He had no doubts about Sage siding with them, just like Lily did, and felt powerless to stop that. His fists clenched in helpless frustration and his blood throbbed in his ears; he nearly missed her answer.

"But he didn't deceive me!" – It was Beauxbaton's voice, calm and no-nonsense, just the way Severus always loved to hear it.

"Didn't he?" – Black asked back. "I thought you said he was–"

"My friend, I know. Your story is beautiful and endlessly sad, but you seem to forget that I am neither as young, nor - as a matter of fact - as innocent, the gods forgive it, as you seem to imagine. I grew up among what you would call dark witches and wizards, and I have a firsthand understanding of those you call here Death Eaters. Sirius, I would like you to understand, I know them! Maybe I should not know them as well as I do, but the facts remain. I know exactly how a Death Eater thinks and acts, so I can see clearly how Severus is not like them."

And they say eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves… Severus stared at the door and tried to comprehend his sudden luck. When Black spoke again, he thought he could strangle him.

"Now, Sagie, I would never say you didn't have a hard life. I just wish you realized it shouldn't be the norm. You don't need to take up with the roughest, the darkest… I know how it feels to deny where you came from. The way we were brought up is a shame. You and I are just naturally similar, love, can't you see that? I can understand you more than anyone around."

"Of course I can see that" – Sage's voice was too light and friendly, Severus' pulse quickened as much as he imagined Black's might have. "But you wanted to deny your heritage. You disowned your family and their ways. I've never done so, not even my crazy aunt. I just cannot do it to her. I appreciate the way you are fighting here against your demons; I respect it even, but I have a fight of my own, and I don't believe I misunderstand him either."

"I'm sure you do, gal'. He's a merciless killer if I ever saw one, dark to the boots, and had always been. You should never trust that git!"

"Why did you entrap him to meet up with a werewolf?"

Severus edged closer to the door and saw a more robust shadow leaving a lean one while Black's heavy footsteps and barking laughter sounded from the room.

"So he still complains about it! I can't believe how low he's got! Sagie, it was just a prank!" – He laughed again – "everyone got it but that stupid git! See, I told you the other day that Remus had these little furry episodes, and then this nosy bastard couldn't stop lurking around. I only gifted him a chance to see what he was after. He should rather thank me for the opportunity!"

"Well, I wouldn't thank you if you did it to me…."

"You wouldn't sniff around in the first place. But c'mon, Sagie, I know you're not against the fun! I watched you these past weeks; you came often enough. You would have loved it!"

The pause was much longer than Severus could like it, but he didn't dare to peek into the room.

"If you mean I have my own sins, I should atone for, I cannot argue against that. Most of those things I… I regret…and I feel guilty for the one I don't. I didn't try to say I was faultless. I'm only telling you that you shouldn't – What?"

Black's shadow returned to the other one, and Severus perceived his humming voice disturbing.

"Love, you take life too seriously, let me help you relax!" – The two shadows overlapped, and the eavesdropper felt his face suddenly cold. "Whatever you've done, they must have had it coming. Now come, let me comfort you! I'll be good to you, I promise."

"Sirius, I'm really not into this…" – her voice only carried a little discomfort, but enough for Severus to feel on edge.

"Are you sure, love? It could be so good! And don't forget, it's Christmas! Why would you be alone at Christmas?"

"I'm quite sure, I assure you! Let's keep this friendly, Sirius, I'm honoured by the offer, but I must decline," – she replied playfully but firmly, and Severus saw the leaner shadow dividing from the other to approach the door.

"Well, maybe next time!" – Severus only heard Black's response while frantically looking for somewhere to hide. He saw a shadowed corner, disillusioned himself, and backed to the wall.

The two walked past him chatting about the coming evening, and, as Severus readily noticed, keeping a good arm-length between them. He stayed leaning onto the wall for long moments after their steps died away on the stairs. Trying to fully embrace all that he had just witnessed, to understand it and place it within his thoughts, he quite forgot about his surroundings. As rare as it was for him, he didn't even notice his severe slip of attention. He just stared at the still open door re-playing the conversation and all the emotion it elicited in him, and, as he imagined, in the other two.

Something pulled him to that door. He needed to see that picture. Maybe the last photo of Lily – did she change a lot in the end? He couldn't even recall the last time he saw her image; in his musings, she appeared at her different ages, her various aspects… sometimes just a swish of her hair, sometimes a flash of a glance, a motion, a shape. He would have been hard-pressed to admit it, but he didn't actually see more than parts of her in his mind for a long time. Not like he used to, just whatever his mind found important at a time.

He knew the room was empty and did not bother to look around longer than finding that open letter. He took and read it without a qualm. Black had no right to that missive, whatever law or moral would suggest, Severus felt he had none. This was not for him to behold, not for him to keep, because he didn't treasure it. He let the letter and the photograph both slip out of his hands. It took Sage to enter here and find them, for the sake of all good!

He fleetingly noticed Grindelwald's name again and made a hasty mental note not to procrastinate asking Aberforth about his statements any longer, but then he held the photo, and it all washed away.

Mercifully, Potter didn't really show indeed, and he had better things on his mind than to stare at his legs and knees. The infant menace was flying cheerfully on his broom… Severus nudged him over and folded the picture in half to give Lily an undisturbed look.

She seemed… older. Her cheeks rounded out a little. Her eyes were maybe a little narrower than he remembered. Yes, her hair was floating about her, and she still looked very much a beauty, but….

"Have you heard them?" – he asked the deaf image. Lily's smile was obviously for her son, but at the moment, it seemed as if she watched him encouragingly. With benevolence, he would have very literally given his life to see about twenty or fifteen years ago. "Lily, she believes me… I wish you heard!" He felt his throat constrict, and he pressed a fist to his lips to hold back a sob. "I have never-"

Severus slowly realized he had no words to describe his feelings. Half of his heart wanted to tell her he found a better one; the other half considered admitting he understood her choice, but neither was completely true.

One thing for sure, he didn't feel the overwhelming grief that used to chain him to her. His guilt didn't vanish but somehow gave more place to resolve. A sense of owing, and even that was less prominent than he anticipated. On the other hand, he had never felt so full of gratitude. Like his chest could burst with the sheer measure of appreciation and thankfulness – for another.

And it finally made him free.

Severus carefully traced a line along the side of her image and never noticed the single drop of a tear running down his cheek.

"Farewell, Lily," – He whispered, caressing her silhouette for one last time. "Rest in peace, darling!"

He gave himself one more moment of goodbye, closing his eyes, and sniffled against the stinging sensation at the base of his nose. He only came to his senses hearing a loud gasp from the door.

The witch stared at him first puzzled, then with confusion, finally with red-faced embarrassment.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean… Oh, almighty gods! I just take this, okay? I haven't even…." – Sage picked up her satchel he knew she always had on her and dashed away.

Severus took a look at the folded photo in his hand and could only guess what show he could have presented, sniffling, with eyes closed. He cursed, and let the picture fall from his hand as he rushed to catch her.

Just like some weeks before, she was way too quick. Severus took down the stairs till the first floor with one swift go, only slowing down before encountering some students, but still in a hurry. She wasn't on the first floor, neither in the hall. He was to shot down on the kitchen stairs when Molly and Tonks came up square to him.

Curiously, Molly seemed happy to see him, and Miss Tonks wiggled an eyebrow – for his intense abhorrence – before she turned toward the living room, levitating a bowl of mixed supplies.

"I'm so glad you're staying, Severus" – the Weasley matron began without prelude – "It was high time you two overcome this madness, and if that needed Dumbledore to step in, he really is not a day too early at all."

"Pardon?" – Severus couldn't be more puzzled about her meaning.

"Oh, you don't need to bother, I know about the letter. Sirius needed a reminder. I remember what you both promised. This Christmas may finally see you bury the hatchet, I hope," – she smiled. "Now, if you stay anyway, I could use a wand. Tonks dear is really more enthusiastic than useful, and Sage had some errand, I believe. Would you please take the cutlery up to the living room? I decided it was more festive than the kitchen, and then some help with the decorations wouldn't go amiss."

If Severus thought he was puzzled before…

"Molly, I don't think–"

"It's alright, really" – she petted his upper arm as she stepped past him, levitating a basket of goods herself – "Dumbledore is right, it will do a world of good to Harry. Merlin knows my boys could use some toning down too. We already talked this through. Sage made him show me that letter, bless her, Sirius might be reluctant but just has to swallow it. He cannot go on showing such a bad example. Your staying for tonight is the best thing to happen. Just be quick about that cutlery, will you?"

If he was honest about it, Severus only let Molly go on because he was too baffled to even ask his plethora of questions. To be the Order so laid back about his presence, especially after him nearly chocking the mutt before witnesses, was a complete hundred and eighty compared to his last ten years or so. Whatever they could talk through and when? And what did she had to do with it?

He remembered Dumbledore mentioning his wish for him to stay for the festivities but couldn't figure out how the Headmaster even imagined such a scenario. Now it seemed he had the dubious honour, indeed, but was it a good thing? His Slytherin mind suggested to take the best of it and run with what he can get. Most likely not Potter's eternal affections, but maybe he could utilize this collective Confundus the household seemed to have suffered and wait on Sage's return. They needed to talk.

Severus refused to bother levitating cutlery through the stairs and just walked up the living room, making them appear on a side table with a single move of his wand. Really, these females bother too much… - he thought just before Miss Tonks squeaked Molly's probable disapproval. He only lifted an eyebrow, and the Auror first stopped short then broke down in giggles.

"I guess you're the only one who could get away with that, Professor!"

Lupin turned towards them and smiled at the girl, Severus saw Black's shoulders tensing, but the dog did not turn to face him. After all the crap he tried to feed the witch just half an hour ago, that probably was for the best. Severus tore his gaze from the dog's back; he seemed occupied enough hanging ornaments all over the ceiling, following a drawing about Molly Weasley's careful plans.

The werewolf worked with two other Weasleys on ordering and setting the tables. Granger gave a much-needed hand to Tonks in whatever they were attempting with the serviettes, and Potter stuck to his godfather in the middle of the room. No one seemed to give Severus attention, but no one was hostile either. Judging by the werewolf's occasional glances, they must have waited for him to show his cards. Well, they could wait forever – he thought.

Given no more tasks, Severus backed to a wall close to the door and waited. The whole experience seemed to redefine the word "uncomfortable." He only thawed up a bit when he heard the Hufflepuff's complaints about the portrait.

"Hell, I'll never get rid of this headache if that hag keeps on screeching!" Lupin shot her a commiserating smile, and Black replied he couldn't help it.

"Until you all run up and down between here and the kitchen, there's no chance at all to close up the curtains."

Severus observed the witch's pale face and painfully narrowed eyes and silently said, "Langlock."

"What?" – she turned to him with surprise and a spark of hope.

"Lang– I'll show you," – he decided on impulse, and he was glad to escape the room. Nymphadora Tonks had been in his NEWT class, and although she'd been an obvious punishment, she had never been stupid. Teaching her a spell didn't take much effort, even if she asked questions about it.

When he returned to his spot and leaned his back on the wall, all of the adults and children were busy with the ample duties Molly commanded. It crossed his mind if Dumbledore thought this was the right moment for him to gain the boy's trust. Oh, sure! The bat of the dungeon's well-known ability in gaining trust wherever he went was his best ally to achieve that, now, wasn't it? Especially since the brat didn't turn his head away from his godfather's direction, looking amused about whatever the scum had to stay.

He angled his head, so they were out of his view and saw Granger obeying Molly's every wish with disturbing diligence, not much short of what she displayed any and every occasion she wished to prove how well-swotted her views were, no doubt waiting for praise. Most of the Weasley kids were hiding behind some easy jobs, visibly trying not to attract their mother's attention. The werewolf proved with his every breath his presumptions about him flirting with Miss Tonks. The witch seemed to welcome this. Severus was repulsed.

The next distraction was much less welcomed. Mad-Eye stormed into the room with a disturbingly subdued Beauxbaton trailing behind him. One glance at her eyes proved she was concealed in her Occlumency deeper than the oceans. She still wore her winter cloak; Severus was tempted for a second to change that.

The old Auror instantly sought out Black and lectured him with great conviction and in great length about him examining the remains of an unknown, most likely indeed very dark artifact in the kitchen and being assured about it being already defused and disposed of.

Severus slowly rubbed his lips with his index finger, deep in thought, and peeked at Beauxbaton. She didn't even look as if she cared. Tonks stepped to her and gingerly led her out – Severus hoped to help her change out of her cloak and comfort her. Whatever Mad-Eye did to her daughter, he was ready to find a way to retaliate, even if now the old Auror kept shooting looks at him, which evoked the worst memories about cells, cold, and the Wizengamot.

Molly stepped forward and pronounced the room ready, so Severus guessed it all had to wait. Tonks reappeared in the doorway and promptly stumbled through an ugly red cat, Sage caught the tray, but several glasses fell and broke. Lupin stepped forward to cast a silent Reparo before Molly turned to see. Severus only rolled his eyes when he saw the three innocent smiles shining on Molly as if no adults were at the door…

Their boss and leader seemed to decide to be lenient with them this time because she only turned away with a small shake of her head and summoned the feast into the bowls and trays she'd prepared on the makeshift buffet table and called all to dive in. The eldest Weasley male present, William, raised a butterbeer and all joined him as he said:

"This year's Christmas will be different than the others. If I have to live through it, I wouldn't wish for better company than you all. Maybe Dad will also be here by Christmas Day. With us."

"Here, here!"

"With us!"

"For Arthur, bless him!"

Severus lifted a glass of butterbeer from the edge of the table, waited, and raised it towards Molly before he retreated to his favourite spot in any house and leaned on the mantel. A small bliss. Another was that Beauxbaton seemed in better spirits now. She conversed with Tonks and sometimes the werewolf… Severus didn't exactly like that, but the sight was still better than what she presented upon her arrival.

He turned his head slightly so no one could say he was gawking and spotted Potter still happily clinging to his godfather and hanging on his every word. The Weasley twins sat at both sides of Mundungus Fletcher, with their well-packed plates, and the trio sank into deep conversation. Well, that was interesting. The first time for sure that he saw anyone seem to honestly enjoy the thief's presence. He wondered how it would pay off to Fletcher, aside from the opportunity to consume uncounted amounts of food for free, of course.

Sage came into view again. Not Sage, Beauxbaton, he reminded himself, but this time without effect. She was talking now to Molly with that warm smile he learned to treasure. His glance slid over her form. She wore a dangerous dress robe, a pale blue one that fit around her like a glove. Severus firmly cautioned himself against giving it too much attention. He didn't like the colour anyway. It was oddly in contrast with what he liked about her the most. She had something he could only name as an inner warmth, something like the summer and her garden and…

He cleared his throat and fixed his glance on his butterbeer. Get a hold of yourself, you lunatic; whose attention do you want to garner here? He emptied his glass with a sudden decision and went after some food that might help to clear his mind. Discipline.

Severus returned to his spot with a plate and his glass refilled, and this time he avoided her sight. Bill Weasley. Yes, the man was safe enough to observe. Also entertaining, as he tried to fend off Mad-Eye's ramblings… he turned his attention back on his dinner, and when he next looked up, he was surprised to find Lupin leaning on to the windowsill at the other side of the room. He eyed the crowd with silent amusement, not dissimilar to his own. How odd.

When everyone was more-or-less done with their dinner, Hestia Jones opened a gramophone that certainly had seen better days. No one seemed to mind, though, the occasional rustling or the fact that the records were probably ancient even for old Walburga's taste. Such a thing would have made a Death Eater party come to a halt, but these folks enjoyed what they found without too many questions, mostly laughed away the issue and enjoyed themselves.

He wondered if this was something to do with living on the "light" side. In many ways, the views and attitudes in Dumbledore's circle were progressive. Yet, the Death Eaters he knew were more demanding about using the technical and magical solutions they found modern and would have been appalled to listen to unfashionable music for a whole course of an evening – especially the witches. It was all so very ironic. It's more ironic if one counted how much they all "profited" from the Dark Lord's interest in the older, darker tomes. Most ironic, if someone had a basic knowledge about the Muggle technology they despised, which was light-years ahead of theirs.

Severus bit his mouth against a smirk when he imagined explaining to Lucius what a light-year might be. It didn't work; he snickered into his beer. The next moment his glance connected to Sage's above the rim of his glass, and she returned his smile with her own. He let the small bubbles tickle their way down his throat and savoured the moment.

Fred Weasley took first Tonks, then Granger to dance, while his twin stood up with their mother. They got all the attention in the room, and everyone found their display heartwarming. Severus was surprised initially, but then he spotted Mundungus Fletcher busy with a portable scale counting out potion ingredients safe behind the averted eyes of others. What a great reason for gallantry!

His attention piqued, Severus pushed himself from the mantel to cross the room and see for himself what kind of deal his NEWTs patched up with the scoundrel when Beauxbaton stepped into his line of vision and covertly shook her head. He asked back with two raised eyebrows, and she nodded her consent to explain it later, so he let it go.

It was much harder to let go of his mixed feelings after Lupin's searching gaze met his from the other side of the room. The werewolf seemed to have a hard time controlling his chuckles, and he lifted his pumpkin juice to Severus with an amused shake of his head before he drank.

To have his turn to secretly laugh at him came soon for Severus when Miss Tonks took it upon herself to convince Lupin to dance, which he vehemently refused, earning about five minutes of desperate pleading to somehow stay on the witch's good side after his first – probably not well-thought-out – words.

When Miss Tonks finally retreated to converse with Black, Potter joined the werewolf, and between two songs, Severus heard them talking about a couple of massive tomes about defensive arts, which seemed to thrust the kid into raptures. At least someone finally thought about preparing him. Was it Lupin? Severus had to admit with some surprise that he approved.

As the evening progressed, most just sat in circles and talked endlessly with everyone. Lupin kept to his place but never lacked company. Severus also kept to his mantel and was glad to be left in peace. The music suppressed the probably inane discussions, and he was contented to just watch anyway.

It didn't take long for Sage to appear by the hearth. "You seem like you had your fill of the fun," – she began, facing away from the room. Her smile was only for him.

"What fun?" – he asked back with all honesty. She seemed amused.

"Are you coming back to Hogwarts?"

Now he could not refrain from staring at her. "I thought you didn't spend time there during the holidays."

"I don't. I promised Minerva to talk to her tomorrow."

Severus was more than ready to escort her. "Let's go then" – he pushed away from the mantel, but she stopped him with a look.

"Give me a minute to gather my cloak!"

Severus obediently counted sixty after the witch left the room, then slid out into the hallway. She came down rushing from upstairs, took his arm and let him Apparate her. It finally felt so right!

On their way uphill to the school, Severus had several revelations. One of those was about the snow. It wasn't as cold or as tiresome to trudge uphill as he remembered. He even noticed the moonlight making the thin ice sparkle on its surface. The night was actually and unexpectedly beautiful.

The other was about his NEWTs, who seemed to have more of a hand in business than he imagined, and although he already cursed them for several illegal potions circling the school, he couldn't, without any measure of hypocrisy, condemn all their efforts to try their hands. As she was not hesitant to point it out… Severus sighed inwardly and let her ramble about all the tidbits of the night, some of those he noticed, some he had no clue about at all. It didn't matter.

It all led him to a fervent wish to lay his heart at her feet, the sooner, the better, and leave this whole mess behind. Would she agree to just run to the hills and…. He shook his head and told himself just how utterly moronic he was, still. He couldn't help it. The hope surged its pathetic head that maybe, maybe, she also felt for him something more. True, when he tried to take her hand, she put it in her pocket, but it was indeed cold. Also, his rarely used optimism pointed out that she didn't stop smiling, so it didn't spoil his mood. Severus tried to premeditate some ways to tell her a proper goodnight. He wished for something memorable, something…

She stopped under the oak door and seemed hesitant. "I really liked this walk with you," – she said. Sucking in her lower lip, she shyly looked sideways, then up at him again… Severus's breath caught in his throat. If she initiated a kiss right now, he wouldn't send her away, but they were out for anyone to see.

She licked her lips, and he decided it didn't matter.

"I wanted to give you something for Christmas, but…" – she almost giggled in embarrassment – "sorry, I know you hate it, I… Your present is not ready, so I thought…."

Severus tried to swallow, but his mouth was dry. He absently licked his lips while she slowly pulled her hands from her pocket and reached towards him.

"Here, I nicked this for you."

"What?" - With some hardship, he refocused on the picture she held out – and his mood broke like glass.

"She is important, I saw you. She is the friend you had, isn't she? The one you have mentioned in the attic…."

Her words had no sense in this intimate moment. They had no place in an evening like this. Severus stared at her with disbelief, but the witch went on.

"I just… I know how it feels… when you give your heart to a friend. I even thought silly things as if w– never mind!" – She laughed up without cheer and her voice carried some strange tremble, like pain, but it didn't make sense to Severus, he wished if it did! – "I just want you to know, I can accept it… whatever makes you happy I want you to have it. Even a memory, if…" – she shook her head. "Anyway," – she forced a smile – "Merry Christmas, my friend!"

She pushed the picture and Lily's letter in his hand, and kissed – his cheek. It was an avalanche of feelings that slowly crashed down. Too much to explain in such a haste, too late to try. The oak door already closed behind her. Her silent "Good night" lingered in the air like the sound of the knell.

He stared at the closed door. The photo rustled in his hand as his fingers crumbled around it.

Fuck. About that was all that Severus' well-trained mind was able to come up with at the moment. The whole world seemed to have come to a sudden halt and nothing made sense anymore.

Did she send him away? He had a feeling she didn't. She just gave up on him, and there was no way to understand why… it must have been his fault. Somehow. He had always been too complicated, Lily couldn't understand it either, and he was sure she tried…

Severus tried to make himself leave it at that, and just toddle down to his dungeons like a good little bat and try to sleep - but something broke. It didn't break for the first time. And actually, he couldn't recall a moment in his life when he wasn't angry or hurt… or broken.

"You are Healing now because that is the nature of the wounds"…and they hurt like hell, Héloïse should have emphasized that more! – he thought with feeling. If he could just go back to her gardens, if just once more he could… but he won't ever get back there, would he? How many chances did Sage give, yet he was too slow in understanding, too dumb to assist her. The worst choice, really, he just proved only days before he couldn't even protect a child he vowed to help! He screwed it twenty years ago, and he screwed it now. That time in his hurt, later in his haste to achieve something, now in his hesitation and utter lack of self-confidence.

That little voice that encouraged him for the first time to make the acquaintance of the holy Nothing, using a good handful of unknown Muggle medicines and a big glass of water the summer when he was sixteen, now made him wish for its embrace again. That time he changed soon for discovering potions, and tried to enjoy what he felt was left for him to have: Nothing… before life came into the picture, and he screwed up everything even more, this time to a level that counted epic, even from him.

He hushed up that little voice after that, but now?

Severus lifted his empty gaze upon the towers of Hogwarts and showed two of his fingers. Thus summing up his well-thought-out opinion about the last weeks of existence, not the least of everything that happened on this goddamned day, he trudged his way through the freezing grounds to the gates and Apparated to Knockturn.