A/N: This is silly. Silly silly silly. By the way, do they even once mention Al's birthday in the anime? Oh, wait, they do that one time when Ed talks about Den and the cake, but do we ever see Al celebrating a birthday? Poor kid.

XIIX. Girls?

"Civilians are not allowed in the barracks. Girls are not allowed in the men's dorms. You, Winry, are both a civilian and a girl! Did you not notice the soldiers with guns as you were sneaking down the hall?"

Winry felt herself blush. "I actually came in through the air vent." She pointed to the grate in ceiling. "I jumped down in the bathroom next door."

"What?" Edward exclaimed. "You are going to get me in so much trouble!"

"Don't be silly," Winry said, giving Edward a dismissive wave. "I'll get in trouble before you do."

"Who would believe that? That you snuck yourself in? You've got to leave before anyone sees you!" Edward grabbed Winry's shoulders and began scooting her to the door.

"They're less likely to see her if she stays inside," Alphonse pointed out. "No guards in here."

Edward spun around. "You, too? You know what Mustang would say if they found a girl in my room?" Winry blushed even brighter. "He'd never let me live it down! She can sneak out just as easily as she snuck in. No one can pin her on me if they don't find her here." With one hand wrapped firmly around Winry's upper arm and one hand on the doorknob, Edward threw open the door and readied to sling her out.

He froze, however, when he saw a fellow soldier at the end of the hall just beginning to look over. With a yelp, Edward slammed the door closed and put his back to it. "All right, plan B," he said.

"Edward!" Winry protested.

"Out the window!" Ed declared. "You can climb down the drainpipe."

"Brother!"

"Just run like hell through the courtyard once you get down. Don't stop until—"

"Edward!" both Winry and Alphonse cried simultaneously.

"What!" he snapped, his hands on the windowpane.

"Don't you even want to know why I came all the way out here?" Winry asked, planting her hands on her hips exasperatedly.

Edward blinked. "Why?"

Winry grinned and spun around the face Alphonse. She excitedly thrust her hand into her pocket, pulled out her closed fist, and threw a thin handful of colorful confetti into the air. She let it flutter down weakly before crying out, "Happy Birthday, Al! I would have had more confetti, but it fell out of my pocket in the vent."

"It is my birthday, isn't it?" he asked.

Winry rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me you forgot your own birthday," she said. Alphonse looked sheepish. "This is an important one, too. You're a teenager now!"

"Thirteen's not that great," Edward muttered from the window, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Time to start worrying about girls," Winry said with an impish grin. Al tensed up, his metal shoulders rising. Were he able, he would have blushed. "Don't ask you brother for advice. He doesn't know the first thing; apparently, he likes to throw girls out windows."

"Hey! He's my little brother; it's my job to give him advice. And you're the only girl I've tried to throw out a window!"

Winry flipped her hair over her shoulder and turned back to Al. "Anyway, if you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer them." Alphonse opened his mouth to squeeze a word in edgewise, but Edward was quick to interject.

"Don't listen to her, Al," Edward said nudging her aside. "She doesn't know anything about girls either."

"Maybe you didn't notice, Ed," Winry snapped, pushing him back. "I am a girl!"

"Really?" Ed said, feigning surprise. "I must have forgotten with all the breaking and entering that you do."

"I didn't break anything!"

"But you entered, and that's just as bad!"

Winry scowled. "Are you trying to ruin Al's birthday for him?"

"Yeah!" Al chirped. "It's my birthday! Did you get me anything?"

The room grew very quiet as Edward felt the weight of two pairs of accusing eyes. He searched his mind for anything of his to which he was not too terribly attached. When nothing came to mind, Ed instead opted to simply fake it. He was very good at that. "I'm giving you all the brotherly advice on girls you could possibly want!" Edward said triumphantly.

Winry broke into a guffaw. While doubled over and slapping her knee, she managed to choke out, "Oh yeah, Ed. Give him something right now. I can't wait to hear this!"

Edward felt himself at a loss again. Honestly, what did he know about girls? He would have, however, been able to think of something more helpful if it were not for Winry's howling laughter at his expense. He glared at her for a moment before grinning up at Al and improvising, "Trespassing is not a good quality in a girl. Not cute at all. And neither is being obsessed with not-girly things like," Edward turned his head dramatically toward Winry, "machinery."

Winry got very quiet and stood up straight. Al took a step back while Ed stood his ground, grinning. "Here's some good advice, Al," Winry growled through her teeth as she glared at Ed. "There's no such thing as a girl who likes short boys."

For a moment, all was still and silent except the grinding of Edward's teeth. "Keep that in mind, Al," Winry said finally. "We especially hate the really whiny, violent ones with girly haircuts."

Winry did not have time to run. There was nowhere for her to hide. She tried to dart away but could not avoid being blindsided by one short, violent alchemist with a girly haircut. She squealed and began to kick as Edward threw her over his shoulder and charged toward the door.

Just as Ed approached the door, the handle turned. "Hey, Ed," Havoc began as he swung the door wide. "Breda and me are going—"

The air became thick and still, and no one breathed. Havoc stood, leaning forward through the doorway, his hand still on the knob and his cigarette balancing precariously on his lower lip. He stared at Ed, who was petrified before him, holding someone in a short skirt and white panties over his shoulder.

Suddenly, Winry grabbed Ed's back for leverage and craned her head around over his other shoulder. She made eye contact with Havoc before squeaking, losing her grip on Ed's shirt, and flopping out of sight.

After a few tense seconds, Havoc closed the door with a whoosh. He then reopened it a moment later, a quizzical expression on his face. "That's a girl, isn't it?" Havoc asked, pointing to Winry's upturned butt.

"No," Edward replied promptly.

"Then what is it?"

Edward scrambled for something. "My mechanic."

"But she's a girl, isn't she?"

"Uh… yes?'

"Okay, just checking." Havoc swung the door closed. His mischievous laughter trailed down the hall after him, clearly audible to Edward, his brother, and the girl.

An awkward silence passed before Alphonse began to snort from holding in his own laughter.

Winry gave Edward an elbow to the back of his head and snapped, "Between you and chivalry, Edward, you are so much deader."