1Hey hey heeeey here is chapter three of this would-be humor fic where anything goes in order to piss Riku off!
Chapter 3
Listen carefully, for I choose my words carefully, and never repeat myself… My name is not Clive Owens…
Sorry… On to the story…
So it was another sunny day (these days happen quite often here) at Destiny Islands and our friend Riku was taking a swim in the sea. After swalling about a kilogram of salt and seaweed, he went back to shore, where an eager Sora was waiting for him.
"Hey Riku!" he yelled.
"I'm right here dammit don't yell." Riku said.
"Ok!" then he whispered, "Hey Riku!"
Sigh…. "What?"
"Oh nothing… I think I forgot…"
"Oh great…"
After their conversation, Riku started walking back home, but Sora finally remembered his quiestion:
"So, where's Kairi?" It was well known that Sora had a big-assed crush on Kairi ever since they where 5, but well let's face it: he's an idiot. He prolly doesn't even know himself. Anyway, Riku decided to play him another cruel joke…
"Yeah, I think she's bathing at the fountain… In plain view… Naked." Riku said. But in reality it was Wakka bathing there. Now square(insert latest name) may own Sora, but he mai bitch. So yeah, he decided to check out the fountain view.
About 30 minutes later, Riku met up with a very traumatized Wakka who was wearing his shirt backwards for some insane reason.
"Hey Wakka, your shirts's on backwards." Riku pointed out.
"Sora? Where?" He yelled and started running. Hell, I've never seen a Jamaican run so fast. Now, Riku would've been surprised, but he's lived there all his life, and it was kind of routine. Then, at the same time he heard to voices call out "Hey Riku!" one was of course Sora, who was completely un-traumatized, and Kairi.
"Hey Kai." Riku said.
"What about me?" Sora pouted.
"Yeah… Mr. Boublus" Suddenly, Sora went into a fetal position and started sucking his thumb, letting out sobs every now and then.
"Aww your mean, Riku." Said Kairi.
"Yeah, so where d'you wanna hang out?"
"I dunno, Sora ruins?"
Riku was about to answer when a voice came out of nowhere. It was Selphie
"Riku! Help! Pleas-" BANG!
Riku turned and saw Kairi holding a smoking tranq gun.
"Ya know, I would ask, but I just don't have the energy…" Riku said.
"Good boy!" Kairi said, then ran of to Selphie's body and carried it away.
Ok, long paragraph about nothing time. About 3 years ago, the most you would've seen in the islands were prolly sea and sand. But then came the meteor shower……… Just kiddin'. I wanted to get all Smallville on ya. My bad. Yeah so I don't really feel like writing this huge paragraph, so how about I pay Riku and friends a visit? Hell, I'm omnipotent in here so I can do whatever the hell I want.
Right so I appeared in front of our friend Riku, just to scare the crap outta him. And yes, the crap was scared out him allright.
"Who the hell are you? Are you another of Kairi's inventions?" He asked once he recovered.
"No-… Wait, what?" Oooook so I didn't know my characters as much as I thought. Big deal. I can still make them suffer. "I am an Angel of Death descended from Heaven to smite thee! Smite thee, I say!" Yeah, so I get a bit carried away sometimes.
"Huh?" Riku said, eyebrow raised and all. He sighed, "Are you Sora's brother or something?"
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY! Ok this visit was not a good idea. Now they must suffer.
"I'm the author of this crap. Yep, the one that has, is and will make a true hellhole of your life." I loooooved threatening people.
"Oh, that's cool." Riku said.
So then I disappeared, and set Kairi's house on fire. Why Kairi you ask? Oh, no reason. Just felt like it…
"What." Riku said.
Then Kairi's dad appeared beside him and said, "Dammit, I told her to keep the dragon outside."
Riku had never seen Kairi's parents before, and how he recognized him as her father was a mystery to me. But to tell you the truth, I'm just as indifferent as you guys, even though it's my story.
Anyway, Riku made his way to Kairi's house. Why? To help out I guess. Or maybe to gloat at the fact that his house was the only one still standing of the three of them. That will soon be fixed.
When Riku got there, he saw a bunch of people gathered around the burning house, some carrying sticks with marshmellows and muffins. Hell, one crazy woman brought a frog.
"Has anyone thought of actually putting the fire out?" Riku asked. It does make one wonder that, having so much water around you, there wasn't a fire department in Destiny Islands. Or any kind of law enforcement force. All there was was Selphie's dad pretending to be Sherrif, and even THAT gets boring after the first few weeks.
"Nah, it's fun to watch." Responded none other that Tidus himself. "Dude, what's wrong with your stick?"
Ignoring all possible sexual innuendo in that comment, Riku responded: "Didn't bring one."
"What? Then what the hell are you doing here?" Tidus said, surprised.
"What, is toasting marshmellows on the burning ruins of people's houses tradition now?" Riku asked sarcastically.
"Hell yeah! Burning houses, baby!" Tidus yelled, and ran off.
Suddenly, from with the house a voice was heard,
"No, Selphie! Don't drop the Nitrogly-"BOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Bye-bye birdie. Everybody stared at the fallen, pretty fucked up house. Then…
"Hey that gay kid with silver hair doesn't have a stick! Let's kick his ass!" someone in the crowd yelled. It sounded a bit like Tidus' voice. Riku decided that it would be best to leave before the crowd linched him. Linched him good. He went looking for Sora and found him still curled up in the dark corner were he had left him.
"Get up, dude. We're leaving."
"Oooh. Were we goin'?" asked Sora.
"I dunno. Know any good bars?" riku asked, not expecting an answer. Suddenly Sora's face lit up.
"Yeah I do! C'mon it's great!" Sora yelled and ran off. Riku ran behind him, surprised at Sora.
About 5 mins. Later…
"Sora… When I asked if you knew any good bars, I meant the place where you go get drunk when you're depressed. NOT an actual metal bar."
You prolly saw this one coming, but yes, our heroes where indeed standing in front of a rather large metal bar which had a face painted into it.
"Oh. I thought you meant Charlie…" Sora said, dissapointed. But Riku paid no attention. He was thinking about what would hurt more: A toaster in the tub, cutting his wrists, or just poking holes in his own lungs. Holes in the lungs were winning right now. "Umm, Riku?"
"Yeah?"
"There's an angry mob here asking for you…"
"So?"
"They're coming here to kill you I think…"
"Why did you tell them where I was?" Riku said, very, very mad.
"Well they asked nicely. They even said: 'Now, Asshole!'"
"You… You just never hit rock bottom do you"
"Well actually I was digging a hole once, and…" Riku cut him off by running the hell away from the angry mob that carrid pitchforks and toches from the burning ruins of Kairi's house. Then, Kairi turned up beside Sora, apparently unhurt except for a few burns here and there.
"Hey Sora." She said.
"Hey Kai. Say, weren't you dead a while ago?"
"Oh yeah… Damn you continuity..." She made a weird face and then blew up.
Apparently, Sora chooses the wrong moments to actually pay attention to the outside world.
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