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Category: Yami no Matsuei

Title: Hidden research, an experiment in death and rebirth.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: An experiment leads to rebirth for a green-eyed shinigami, tearing him away from death and a devoted partner.

Accommodo

*************

Hisoka squeezed his eyes shut in hopes of avoiding an argument. Eventually though his patience ran out and he turned his head, eyes narrowing, pinning the idiot to his spot.

Even in the dark Tsuzuki could feel the deep emerald glare. Try as he might though he couldn't get comfortable. It's the reason he kept tossing and turning. This bed was too hard. He wondered briefly if the floor would be any softer.

"One more turn and I'm tossing you off."

Tsuzuki stilled, he stayed that way for a long time afraid if he moved the youth would really toss him off. He was mean at times and he didn't doubt the threat. Still his back was acting up. Slowly he turned, an inch at a time until he was on his side. He was right at the middle; judging by the small indent and the softer feel of the spot he would have to say that the youth had a tendency for sleeping there. He grinned that would mean that the boy would be rolling back to his spot once he fell asleep. Good he'd be rolling right on to him.

"Tsuzuki, go to sleep." The blond snapped irritably. The brunet was nowhere near sleepy and his feelings kept creeping into him.

The voice of the youth broke him out of his thought. "Hisoka." Tsuzuki began. He waited for the boy to respond but after a moment of silence and no response. "Hisoka," he tried again.

"What?"

"Can I ask you something?" The brunet asked timidly.

No, he thought savagely. But the brunet was still feeling vulnerable and so he wouldn't be too harsh. "What?" He sighed unable to hide his annoyance.

Tsuzuki remained quiet for several seconds before he spoke. "If you knew." He paused. "If you could predict someone's death. A death you knew was inevitable no matter how much you wanted to stop it." Tsuzuki's voice dropped on octave when he spoke again. "Would you say good bye the night before?"

Hisoka stilled. Was he talking about him or himself? "I wouldn't say goodbye. Not until I knew I really couldn't stop it."

"So you would still try even though you knew it was useless?"

Hisoka turned to look at the purple-eyed man. "Yes, I would. Would you?"

"I wouldn't say goodbye not in person. I'd leave a letter behind."

Hisoka quickly realized Tsuzuki was sympathizing with the deceased. "I would hate the person if they left me a note." Hisoka said clearly no longer sleepy. How long had the brunet been thinking like this. Did he want to die?

"Would you?" There was so much regret in that voice.

"Yes." The blond answered watching him closely. He wanted to ask the brunet what he was feeling but he lacked the courage. So instead he did something that went against his better judgment. He reached for the brunet hoping to absorb his emotions. To see what he was feeling and why he wanted to die.

Tsuzuki startled by the action moved back, the bed dipped slightly and the blond rolled on over to the middle. Tsuzuki moved back tilting the elfin face to look at him. Despite the darkness in the room he could see the soft silhouette of his face and the slope of his neck.

Hisoka despite his embarrassment probed the brunet's mind. He frowned when he met strong shields. "What are you shielding against?"

"It's the only way I can hold you."

Hisoka's eyes widened as he realized he'd voiced his thought. He was momentarily surprised but only for a moment then his eyes narrowed. "But you've been shielding for months now."

"You wouldn't know that unless you were checking."

Hisoka flushed and ducked his head. The room was dark but somehow he suspected the brunet still knew.

"What were you checking for just now?"

Hisoka stayed quiet and unmoving. He was embarrassed enough that he'd been caught there was no way he was going to say what he'd been looking for.

"Hisoka?"

Hisoka didn't reply instead he made himself comfortable where he was and closed his eyes. 'I know you can hear me, Hisoka.'

The blond opened his eyes at the intrusive thought. "I need to sleep Tsuzuki," Still the brunet's presence is there wrenching havoc with his mind and thoughts. His emotions and so he's forced to threatened the man. "One more thought from you and you'll sleep outside the front door."

'Don't see how you could make me,' was the thought before shields went back up leaving nothing more than a lingering presence of warmth.

Hisoka closed his eyes despite not being sleepy. He didn't want to think. He just wanted to sleep. Still the unbidden thoughts came to mind. What will happen to you when I die? Hisoka squeezed his eyes shut trying to block everything out. But like all people who want to fall asleep. They tell themselves not to think and all that ends up happening is that you then begin to think.

His sullen thoughts are almost mournful tonight. His conversation with Tsuzuki has made him rethink a great many things. About them specially. Can one live in the dark?

Can you die only knowing the lies?

Life has taught him that yes, in fact you can. He wasn't sure before he died but he found that he could and did.

He's alive again though he doesn't see this as a second chance because he knows better. He knows death will come again and in the same form. Silver hair, a glittering eye and with pain. A lot of pain and blood.

Just as before though he is willing to die with a lie in his heart. He would like to think that if he died with this lie, then he'd be able to come back as a shinigami. Though if Tsuzuki were to die only knowing the lie, life would be unbearable.

This body hasn't been marred or disfigured. He could voice the truth; he knows what Tsuzuki hopes for in the long run. What he hints at.

He could give that to him, so if he died tomorrow Tsuzuki at least would know the truth. Would it make a difference, he hoped that it would. Would it stop his destructive nature? He wasn't sure.

Truth or Lie? Time was gaining on him and he was afraid of only having enough time to ask the questions. What about the answers, resolutions? Tsuzuki.

What was he supposed to do?

*************

Lavender, roses, violets and musk. Tsuzuki snuggled closer into the covers, loving the heady scent embedded on the pillow. He cracked an eye open after a while. The room was dim and cold, small rays of light shimmered through small slits in the blinds giving the room a soft unearthly glow.

He sighed disappointedly not at all surprised that the youth was gone. As much as he would have loved staying in bed, specially because he knew it was Hisoka's, he knew he had to get up and go check on the boy. He tossed the covers to the side and rose. He yawned as he padded out of the room and down the hall. Rubbing sleep out of his eyes as he entered the kitchen.

Hisoka laid his book down on the table at the sight of the purple-eyed man. It was only ten am and he imagined the brunet never woke this early on a day off. Tsuzuki stood near the table, his eyes somewhat heavy lidded from sleep while his hair stood out in a disheveled kind of way. The sight was touching. The man really was very childlike.

"I didn't know where you were." Tsuzuki rasped, his voice was low and rough from slumber.

It made the hairs on his arms stand on end. The youth despite the reaction to his partner stood up quickly, seemingly unfazed. "I'll make you breakfast."

The brunet yawned and sat at the table. Laying his head on his arms as he waited for breakfast. He was still so sleepy. After a moment he found he couldn't go to sleep. Usually he could. Odd.

Hisoka moved around diligently. Preparing breakfast for his partner. No more than five minutes later breakfast was served. He watched a fully awake Tsuzuki gobbling his breakfast happily.

He drank his tea calmly. Deciding the perhaps when he spoke to the purple-eyed man it would be best not to make eye contact. "I need to go to the store."

"Grocery shopping?" The brunet muttered through a mouthful of food.

"No."

The brunet tilted his head. What store then? Oh. A department store. He grinned in remembrance. "You want to go to the mall." They'd only ever been there once together back when their partnership was fairly new. He still remembered the incident that'd gotten him his first of many bloody lips. He hadn't been able to help himself then when asked if they were together. He had tendency for flirting. We'll he still did but not in the same way. It was different now. Now he meant more than half the offers, he made to the youth. If not all of them.

The blond didn't seem too thrilled at the idea of returning there with the brunet. After the last incident he had sworn not to ever go back there with Tsuzuki. Too embarrassing.

"Is that all you're going to go out for?"

Hisoka looked up at the sound of the other man's voice. "What?"

"You're not listening." Tsuzuki accused with the smallest of pouts. Hisoka frowned. "I said that if clothes is what you need then you can just wear my stuff."

The flaxen haired youth flushed. "I am not going to wear your things, they don't even fit."

"But you look so kawaii." The purple-eyed man cooed with hearts clouding his eyes.

"Whatever, if you don't want to go then I'll just go by myself."

"No I didn't say I didn't want to go." Tsuzuki's face became serious. "We'll go after I've showered."

The green-eyed youth nodded and returned his attention to the book. Minutes later Tsuzuki pushed his chair back as he stood from the table. Hisoka rose as well and took his plate. The blond was careful not to touch him, something that didn't go unnoticed.

Tsuzuki smiled softly, choosing not to comment. He handed his plate over and left to go shower. Thinking as he walked, sometimes he couldn't help but think the boy returned his affection. The way he behaved and all. Blushing prettily at his comments or when they touched. It proved he had to care, right? To some degree at least. It was doubtful the boy actually loved him and if for some miracle the youth did, he still doubted it was with the same intensity. He would die for the youth.

He sighed and turned the knobs. The water turned on with a small hiss, washing over him as he stepped in. He decided that he shouldn't be so negative. It didn't matter how he was loved back as long as he was. What ever Hisoka offered, he would take. He closed his eyes as warm water sprayed his face. Steam rose around him as the spray of warm water became hot, just enough not to be scalding, it settled the tension from his body. His thoughts turned a bit more pleasing as worry melted from his bones. Hmm, the jade-eyed imp. It would be nice to kiss him. He could live off that for a long time. Just one kiss.

*************

Making the bed at this hour was something new. He worked on a self-schedule. Which meant he did everything in an orderly and timely fashion. He woke up at a certain time, he was showered and dressed by another and he made his bed right after. He liked order in his home. It was a contrast to his work life of course, which consisted of Tsuzuki, running after Tsuzuki and trying to hand in paperwork two minutes before the deadline while Tsuzuki ate over his shoulder. He no longer bothered to try and change things, that was life at JuOhCho.

The door opened and Tsuzuki stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Surprised at first to see the youth in the room, he smiled. The sight of the blond caused him great delight. "Hisoka." He purred.

The youth looked up, flushed red , then turned his eyes back to the blanket he'd been folding. "What." He barked.

"You haven't set out my clothes."

"What?" Hisoka was surprised to see the idiot had moved closer.

Tsuzuki admired the youth's lithe figure as he came around the bed, closer to him. He liked the jeans Wakaba-chan had bought the boy, they rode down low on his hips. They looked great with the pink buttoned up shirt, too. "You look nice."

Hisoka skirted away from the brunet. "Shut Up." The youth snapped. the scowl returning to his elfin face. "Hurry up and get ready." He said moving away from the brunet. Tsuzuki chuckled even as he slammed the door behind him. "Baka-yarou!" He said once the door was closed though he quickly moved away just in case the brunet opened the door.

His heart beat wildly in his chest and he knew his face was some shade of red. It always was when embarrassed. His breathing was shallow that one aspect troubled him because it was accompanied by a new though familiar feeling. It had been unidentified for a long time. At first he hadn't wanted to know what it was. Then when he thought he knew what it was he'd dismissed it. Denying it since, it hadn't been too hard, specially because the feeling had only come at night. When he was alone and always seldom, even at that. This feeling of . . . . . .

. . . . . wanting.

Hisoka made his way over to the couch and sat down. His scowl turned into a frown. The more he thought the deeper the frown. This new body seemed to have gained some new interests. Interests that were not in accordance with his conscious but rather with a part of himself that was supposed to be none existent.

He did not want Tsuzuki.

He chose to ignore the long inner discussion he'd held with himself only the night before. His inner struggle with truth and lies was not welcomed in the day time. And so it was roughly pushed back to where it came from. Daylight brought reality. A reality that made him realize that what he hoped for were nothing more than flights of fancy.

Tsuzuki didn't love him.

"Hisoka."

The blonde's face remained expressionless for a minute before he spoke. "Are you ready?"

Tsuzuki nodded. Wondering what had made Hisoka's eyes ice over the way they had when they looked at him.

Hmm, It was originally longer than this. Still I hope you enjoyed it. I'll try and not let too much time go by before I update again.

Small Notes: Hisoka is trying to get used to Tzusuki. It has been but a day and his nerves are wearing thin. There are to many emotions involved, too many facades. He's torn between what truth and lies. And even though in his heart he wishes things differently he's not yet ready to admit that he would like Tsuzuki. That he really does love Tsuzuki.

Latin

Accommodo : to adjust, adapt, accommodate oneself.