A/N: Okay, so these past few days, I'm having Grey's Anatomy withdrawals. So I've been re-watching episodes. And I don't know what happened, but I've become overly annoyed with Derek. So yeah, I wrote this little Addison piece. I really heart her.As much as i love Addison and Derek...but uh.. yeah...

Disclaimer: not mine.

Somewhere Better than This

I wake up every day hoping wishing this will be the day Derek would tell me he loves so much and he's moved on from Meredith. But I also wake up everyday scared that maybe this is the day Derek will tell me that he gives up.

I look around me, nurses, doctors, even patients walking around. Then someone caught my attention. Meredith Grey. I wonder why Derek fell in love with her. She must be good in bed. Because I just do see it. I just don't. Then I see Derek. He was about 10 feet away from her. He was staring at her with love in his eyes. How do I know? That's how he used to look at me. Used to.

I am hurt. I am broken. The way he looks at her hurts me. The way he smiles to her hurts me. Just the thought of him and her together kills me.

I can't take it much longer.

I got out of the hospital and sat on the bench. I sit and stare. Stare at nothing in particular.

"Don't cry, Addison" a part of me says, as tears were threatening to fall

"It's okay to be vulnerable" the other part says

"No, its not, you're in a public place"

"So what? Cry, Addi, cry"

Tears fell, I sat there, my face in my hands, whimpering -- not even whimpering – crying, being vulnerable.

"That's right, Addison, cry, it's good for you"

I haven't had a good cry in a long time. It feels good to let it all out. I don't care anymore. I don't care what they'd think. I'll cry. I just can't stop crying.

I sat there, crying.

"Are you alright?" I heard someone ask. I looked up and smile.

"Would you believe me if I say I am?" I asked. Miranda Bailey just smiled and sat down next to me.

"What's wrong?"

"Everything" I said in barely audible voice.

"Care to be more specific? Maybe I could help." She said. I stared far away.

"What am I doing here, Miranda?"

"You tell me"

"I mean, why am I even trying to save this marriage? What am I doing here in Seattle? Why am I forcing myself to a man who obviously doesn't love me anymore?"

"You're here because you still love Derek. You're still here because you have this little bit of hope that Derek will forgive you and fix your marriage. Derek loves you. He does."

"Even if he does, he still loves Meredith"

"Addison, You and Derek have been married for 11 years. You just can't throw that away"

"Apparently, I did threw it away already"

"Okay, you cheated on Derek. There must have been something that made you cheat. If he kept you contented, you wouldn't cheat, right?"

"Derek wasn't there for me anymore. All he did was work, work, and work."

"Then it wasn't entirely your fault" She said and then taking a sip from her coffee

"But that doesn't give me the right to cheat on him"

"Yes, true."

"Miranda, should I give up?"

"Personally, I don't think you should give up. But I'm not the one hurting, Addison. I would want you to fight even more. But it's all up to you. But you'll never know... there might be somewhere better than this."

I didn't answer. I just stared far away, tears still falling quietly.

Then her pager beeps.

"I have to go, Addi. But if you need to talk, you know where to find me" She said and left.

Was Miranda right? Is there somewhere, something, or someone better than this?

Maybe I don't deserve to be treated like this.

All I want is to be loved.

Is that too much to ask?

Maybe Mark really loves me. But I can't love Mark.

Why does it have to be so difficult?

Which is more complex: Learn to love someone who loves you or hope that the person you love will love you back as much as you do?

Why does it have to be so complicated?

I love Derek so much. But I'm tired. I want to move on. But how can I move on? I want Derek. I love Derek.

I wiped my tears and composed myself.

I stood up and went back in the hospital holding my head up high.

I waited for the elevator, and when the doors opened Derek was standing there.

Great, this is just what I need.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked

"What do you mean?"

"You just cried"

"No I didn't" I lied

"I know you so much better than that, Addison"

"Well, whatever it is, its none of your business"

"Maybe it is" Derek said, staring at his phone texting or whatever it is he's doing.

"It's not, okay? Just drop it"

"Fine" he said. Then the elevator door opens. There was Meredith on her way in. I got out of the elevator without saying a word, without showing emotions.

Later that day, I was on my way home. Derek was still in surgery. So, another night all alone. Well, not really because Doc is there. Doc: another constant reminder of Meredith Grey.

I got home, sat on the bed and went through my stuff looking for something in particular.

I found it.

I signed it.

I put it back in the envelope.

I left it on the table.

I wrote a note to Derek.

I took a few of my clothes.

I left.

I went to a hotel.

I checked in.

I cried.

I fell asleep.

I woke up the next day feeling like crap. I got dressed and got ready for work.

When I got to the hospital, I looked for Richard. But no such luck. I went and did rounds trying my very best to avoid Derek. And so far, I'm successful.

Then I passed by Richard's office and saw Richard. I went in.

"Richard?" I said getting his attention

"Addison. What's up?"

"I need to talk to you"

"Come in" he said. I sat on the chair in front of him

"I need to leave"

"For how long?"

"Permanently"

"What happened?"

"I can't. I can't do this anymore. I want to go back home"

"What about Derek?"

"I don't want to think about Derek anymore. I give up. He can be with Meredith Grey for all I care"

"I know you don't feel that way" He said.

"Okay, fine, I don't feel that way. But I want Derek to be happy. And he's not happy with me. And if he's happy with Meredith, fine. He can be happy with Meredith"

"Are you sure about this, Addison?"

"Yes" I said. Or should I say, I lied.

"Okay, fine. When will you leave?"

"Tonight if possible"

"I'll miss you, Addison"

"I will too. Visit me in New York once in a while"

"I sure will"

He stood up and hugged me.

"Bye, Richard"

"Bye Addison"

I left his room. I went and cleared all of my patients. I got all my stuff from my locker and headed my way out of the hospital. Out of Seattle Grace. I thought I was so close from avoiding. As I reached the door, I heard someone call my name. I looked back. Of course I knew it was Derek.

"What are these about?" He asked standing right there holding an envelope

"What does it look like it's about?"

"I meant what does this mean"

"Divorce, Derek. I made it easier for you. I signed it already, okay? Just mail it to me after you sign it" I said rather harshly.

"Addison –"

"I give up, Derek. You won. I hope you're happy" Then I walked out of Seattle Grace. Went to Derek's trailer, took all my stuff, and went to the hotel.

I got a flight back to New York that night.

Then my flight boarded.

I got up and went to the gate.

I looked back, Derek wasn't anywhere in sight.

Of course he wasn't. Why would he be here? For all I know he's already "making love" to Meredith.

In a perfect world, Derek will be there, stopping me from leaving.

But that's in a perfect world.

This world is full of imperfections.

Then I went through the gates.

No one stopped me.

I guess he doesn't really love me anymore.

Goodbye Derek.

I'm in for something better than this.

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