Disclaimer: I don't own PMK. Title comes from a line in Train's "Calling all Angels".
AN: For clarity's sake, I'm going to explain some of the words used. A Yujo is a courtesan, and an Oiran is the highest-class courtesan (such as Akesato).Kogai refers to the numerous chopstick-like hair ornaments worn by a Yujo. Okay, now that that's out of the way, I hope you enjoy the fic.
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A Sea Spilled From a Cup
Saya's favorite word is iron.
She likes the shape her mouth forms when she says it silently to herself. And how differently it sounds coming from a samurai's lips. Iron can pierce flesh and bone as easily as it can protect it. It can be taken and hammered away upon but turn into something stronger.
She would give anything to be made of iron. To never know the feel of a silk kimono or the sound of a shamisen. To never know the smell of sake and smoke or the view from Shimabara.
Saya decides that today she will stop by the temple. And she will make a wish that won't come true, no matter how far away she stands when she casts the coin.
Because tomorrow she turns sixteen.
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Night fell swiftly, leaving no stars in the sky, only a sliver of moon alight in its sea of darkness. Saya gazed out an open window as the moon also disappeared behind black clouds. Tomorrow it might rain; but then, tomorrow the weather would not concern her.
"Saya?"
She turned away from the window.
"It's late, you should go to bed. You don't want to be tired for your ceremony tomorrow."
Saya bowed to Akesato and gathered up their tea cups and tray to take back to the kitchen. A pale hand gently touched her wrist as she stood. Saya looked at the Oiran, and saw that she had words for her, locked away behind her painted lips. If she waited, Akesato would tell her a secret, as painful and as black as the sky, in hopes that it would give her courage; it might. Those blue eyes were waiting, watching for a sign from her crumbling strength as an affirmation. Saya bowed and walked away. The words of an Oiran were not for her. She did not want to hear what lay ahead, or what things Akesato hid deep within herself. She would face this as others would: alone, unprepared, and with a stone of dread settling in the pit of her stomach.
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That night she dreamed she was standing inside an old house. She dreamed it had broken shutters and a dirt floor. She dreamed the roof was partly caved in and the rotting cupboards held shattered cups.
Outside of the house was a neglected rice field and a whithered sakura tree. Perched on the thickest branch was a crow. It regarded her for a moment with unblinking eyes before coming closer. She took a step back as the crow landed on the decaying windowsill and let out a shrill cry.
"Give it to me."
It was then she realized that she was holding something heavy in her hands. It was a heart, her heart. She knew this because she could feel the hollowness in her chest. The heart was made of iron and it felt cold and dead in her hands. The crow's cries became louder.
"Give it to me."
"Give it to me!"
Suddenly, it swooped down and plucked the iron heart from her hands. The crow returned to the windowsill, her heart in its beak. And in one swift motion, it swallowed her heart whole. It laughed, a piercing squawk that quickly turned into a cough. The crow danced about frantically on the windowsill trying to dislodge the object in its throat. She stood motionless as the black bird weakened and eventually fell dead on the floor.
Then she awoke.
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"How do you like your new dress? Yumiko was so jealous when she saw it, hers wasn't as pretty when she became a yujo!" Hana giggled as she applied a thin line of kohl around Saya's eyes. Saya smiled nervously, she really didn't want to get on Yumiko's bad side, the girl was known for her temper tantrums.
"There, all finished." Hana stepped back and admired her work. Saya's face had been dusted with a light powder and a crimson paste applied to her lips. She wore a pale blue eyeshadow that accentuated her indigo kimono. Her hair had been pulled back into something that resembled a knot and was held in place with two pairs of kogai. Saya wrote out Thank you on Hana's hand. Hana hugged her and tried not to cry.
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Saya quietly sipped her tea while her gaze drifted towards a window. It always seemed to be attracting her attention somehow. Saya didn't feel tired, even though Hana had gotten her up early to prepare for today. She said that Saya should be the most beautiful girl who ate breakfast that day. But Saya wasn't hungry, she could barely finish her tea. Outside, dawn passed and a rosy glow spread throughout the sky. The sun began its slow ascension, ignorant or uncaring of what it brought her.
"But why not!" Someone yelled from down stairs, "It's her birthday!"
Saya nearly dropped her tea cup. There was only one boy whose voice could carry so far. She set the cup safely on its saucer and hurried down the stairs. She was about four steps from the bottom when she stopped mid stride.
What would he think? Seeing her dressed like this...
He would know...
He would know!
She couldn't face him; not now, not ever. There was this feeling she had whenever she was with him. It was a thorny vine twisting around her heart, tightening until she bled, until she couldn't breathe. She knew this feeling.
Shame.
"I got her a present and ran the whole way here and you're going to tell me I can't even give it to her?" Tetsu still sounded angry, but he was quieting down.
"I'm sorry but Saya's very busy today." Etsuko, the house mother, said as she calmly tried to usher him out the door.
"So I can't see her at all?" Tetsu sighed.
Saya absently chewed her lip. It was better this way. He wouldn't know everything... but could she be so cruel to the kindest boy she knew? No, not to Tetsu. He would find out anyway sooner or later. Saya swallowed the lump in her throat, surely the house mother would let her speak with him if she went to down to them...
"Well, if you come back this afternoon we'll be formally presenting Saya as a member of this house and then you can see her whenever she has any free time."
"Huh?"
Before Etsuko could continue, Saya had descended those four steps, face burning, and stopped directly in front of her. She bowed low and looked up into Etsuko's eyes pleadingly. The house mother stiffened, startled by the sudden appearance of the girl. Etsuko looked Saya over; she was impressed that the girl was already presentable, but she kept a contemptuous frown on her face for good measure. After all, it wouldn't do for the girl to think she was growing soft in her old age.
"Well... since you're already finished I suppose I could spare you a few minutes, but don't dally too long."
Saya bowed again and quickly grabbed Tetsu's hand, pulling him outside. The air was crisp and a mist began to moisten her skin.
"Saya, you..." Tetsu stared, unable to remember what he wanted to say to her; she barely looked like the same girl. And although Tetsu didn't exactly know what Kaguya-Hime, the radiant princess of legend, looked like, he was certain that at this moment, she couldn't hold a candle to Saya.
"You... look nice." He reddened and stared at the ground. No, what am I doing! Tetsu steeled himself to meet her gaze, he would not act like a kid around her anymore. He would not be intimidated by her silky hair, her wide brown eyes or her small, sweet smile.
"I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and give you this." He held out a thin box that was tied with ribbons.
Saya smiled and carefully opened the gift. Inside there was a pair of silver kogai with a pattern of sakura blossoms etched into them. Saya stared at Tetsu, no one had ever given her such a beautiful or costly gift.
"...Do you like it?"
She nodded, a tangle of words caught in her throat. They scratched and tore at her, but could find no escape. Why could some have all the words they wanted, and yet she had none?
Tetsu sighed in relief, "If you want, I can put them in your hair for you."
She took the kogai out of their box and handed them to Tetsu. Carefully, he pushed them into her hair, just below the other pairs she wore. Saya watched as Tetsu furrowed his brow and focused his attention on lining the kogai up perfectly with each other. He made sure they weren't twisting her hair or pinching her scalp before he dropped his hands.
"There." He lowered his hands, but did not move away from her. She took his hand to write out her thanks, but he closed it over hers. The silver kogai glistened in the morning light as Saya tried to stifle a faint blush rising in her cheeks.
"I... uhhh," Tetsu paused and released her hand. He took a short step backwards and jammed his hands into his pockets, "...I think you look nice."
Mentally Tetsu punched himself in the face.
"Well, I have to go now... I kinda slipped away while Mr. Hijikata was talking to Mr. Okita, so I better get back before he gets too angry at me." He laughed and Saya found herself smiling with him.
"Hey, I was hoping we could go have some soba noodles later today, but since that's not going to work, how about tomorrow?" Tetsu bit his lip anxiously. There's no reason to be nervous, we've eaten out together before... Tetsu attempted to reason with himself, but his stomach still churned while he waited for an answer.
Saya pulled his hand from his pocket and softly traced Yes onto his palm.
Tetsu, grinning from ear to ear, said goodbye and headed back to the Shinsengumi, while Saya stayed rooted to the ground.
There was a word for how much he meant to her. She could feel it on her tongue, as black and bitter as ash. It meant everything and nothing if he knew.
Between the newly opened market stalls, Saya caught a glimpse of red, slowly disappearing into a crowd of people.
The word was a soft exhale from her lips; it whithered and died in the morning mist.