Summary: Remus Lupin on Room Raiders. Slash. No Marauders or Magic. One-Shot
Disclaimer: I do now own Harry Potter although I wish I did.
Length: One-Shot
Room Raiders
Remus Lupin couldn't believe his friend talked him into this.
"Sirius Black, you are one bastard." Remus mumbled to himself as he walked around his comfy home, cleaning up the best he could before he would be leaving for the day.
His best and only friend Sirius Black had signed him up for a television show called Room Raiders. Only because he hadn't had a date in years. Worst of all, the guys he would date were young guys were in their late 20s when he was hitting 40 in a few weeks.
Thankfully, the three guys would barely had enough time to look in his room. Although, he got to peek into their personal lives, which amused him greatly.
He had to be outside in a few minutes for the car to arrive to bring him to the first house and the interview.
Draco Malfoy was confused and cold when he was pulled out of bed and out of his house and into a van while just wearing shorts.
Seamus Finnigan was not a very happy person as he was thrown into a van wearing just shorts and a t-shirt.
Harry Potter couldn't wait for the day to be over once he walked into the van, fully clothed.
"So, tell us about yourself Remus." Said Albus.
"I'm 39, I haven't had a date in years, I've got a Master's Degree in Psycology, and my friend thought it would be a good idea to get me dating again by signing me up for the show." Remus replied simply.
"Okay, now we're going to be sending you over to contestant number one's home and you will check out their bedroom." Albus said before waving him off.
Remus got into the nice black car and sighed as it drove off.
The Van
"How come you're fully dressed?" Draco asked Harry.
"Because I get up at a quarter after 5 and the Van didn't come until 9:30." Harry replied.
"Insane." Seamus mumbled and Draco agreed.
"You do realize a stranger will be in your house going through your bedrooms in every nook and cranny, right?" Harry asked the two.
"Everywhere?" Seamus asked.
"Everywhere." Harry nodded.
"You're just trying to use reverse psycology on us so we don't want to win." Draco stated.
"I may, or I may not. I just hope your rooms are clean enough to pass his inspection." Harry shrugged, wishing they had a window to look out of.
"You don't want to be on this show, do you?" Seamus asked Harry.
"No. My friend signed me up for this show. Especially when he heard that the person hasn't dated in years." Harry rolled his eyes.
Draco sighed but then noticed the TV turn on.
"Look! He's at room number one!" he squealed and they looked at the TV to see a tawny haired man with amber eyes walk into someone's house.
"Hey! That's my house!" Seamus stated.
The house was absolutely filthy.
House Number One
Remus couldn't believe anyone could live in such a filthy envoirnment. He could've sworn he saw pizza on the livingroom floor.
"Well… perhaps the bedroom is better." He said, wishing he could get out of there as soon as possible.
He opened the bedroom door and was horrified. It was worse then the living room.
"I think I've seen enough." He said before noticing actual art on the walls. That didn't stop him from walking out though.
He walked outside and looked at the camera men.
"I didn't like the mess anywhere, but I did, however, notice some art on the walls, I did like that." Remus stated before getting back into the car.
Inside The Van
Draco was laughing so hard.
"Dude! There is something called a house cleaner! It's not that expensive!" Draco stated.
"That is just scary." Harry softly said.
"Indeed." Draco laughed.
"It's not that bad. I've seen worse." Seamus told them.
Draco just continued to laugh when Harry's eyes went wide at that statement.
"Oooh! Come on! He's going to room number two!" Draco interrupted Seamus when he saw the house.
"That's my house!" he squealed.
House Number Two
"Well, it's cleaner that house number one, that's for sure… It's very big… does one person live here?" Remus asked as he looked around the house.
Inside The Van
"Of course one person lives there. What do you think? I'd live with my family?" Draco replied to Remus's question. "What kind of a question is that." He asked.
House Number Two
"Well, this can be comfortable." Remus stated. He made his way down the hall way and saw a few doors. "Eh… Which door is the bedroom?" he asked himself and then he opened the second door to find he was correct.
Inside The Van
"Lucky guess." Seamus mumbled, still upset about Remus's comment.
House Number Two
"Oo la la." Remus stated when he opened the door to the bedroom.
The room was painted blue with paintings on the wall, he had more than one computer, there was a lot of stuff and enough room for it, and a kingsize bed, which he placed the spy kit on.
"The paintings are nice, the same thing I liked about House number 1, it shows that the person has taste. The computer… Well… lets just see what exactly contestant number two uses the computer for." Remus sat down at Draco's computer desk and when he moved the mouse and the screensaver turned off his mouth dropped wide open. "Okay, if you look at pornography, don't put in on a folder on the desk top." He said before getting up.
Then he went over to the closet and opened the door.
"Well… he has probably more clothes than my sister does in her walk in closet." He stated truthfully. Then he looked at the shoe rack, "definitely more shoes." He shook his head as if in thought. "Well, he does have a good taste in clothing." He said before closing the closet.
He picked the spy kit up off of the bed.
"So far I haven't used my spy kit. Let's hope that room number three allows me to not have to open it." He smiled before going outside and looked at the cameras. "I liked the art on the walls, and I liked the clothing styles. What I didn't like was the pornography on the computer and the fact that he has a lot of shoes. Shoes are nice, but it's not nice when a guy has more shoes than your sister who's shoe crazy." He said before getting into the car once again.
Inside The Van
"Pornography?" Harry questioned Draco.
"Oh come on! I've never met a guy who doesn't look at porn!" Draco stated.
"No, what is pornography?" Harry asked.
They took five minutes to explain to Harry what porn was.
"So, now we get to see you're home, huh?" Seamus grinned at the attractive black haired man.
"Yeah. Urgh, hopefully my Mum remembered I'd be away today and visit." Harry stated.
"Your Mummy visits you at home?" Seamus teased.
"I love my Mum very much. She just doesn't like spending all day at home alone." Harry told him. "My Dad's at work all day."
"Speaking of work, what do you do for a living?" Draco asked them.
"I work at McDonalds." Seamus told him.
"I'm a lawyer and I work part time at a florest shop." Harry stated.
"A laywer? Nice." Draco nodded. "I work as the head of a major corporation." Draco smirked.
"If you need any legal help then contact me." Harry joked.
"That sounds cool." Draco joked back.
"Oh! Look, Harry is that your place? It's nice… That's a four floor house! Do you own that!" Seamus asked Harry.
"Yeah. Why?" Harry asked.
"Nice. It's blue." He laughed as Remus when inside.
House Number Three
"Wow. This place is emaculate!" he said impressed.
"Hello?" came a woman's voice.
Inside The Van
"No! Urgh! My Mum is there!" Harry groaned as Seamus and Draco laughed.
House Number Three
"Hello?" Remus replied and a beautiful red haired woman with green eyes, holding a baby came into the room. "Oh, geez, am I in the right place?"
"You're here on the show Room Raiders, right?" the woman asked and Remus nodded. "Yeah, you're in the right place. This is my son's home. I just stopped by because I left something here when I visited last… Oh, I'm so rude. I'm Lily Potter." She smiled and held out her hand, balancing the baby in her other arm.
"Remus Lupin." He smiled and shook her hand.
Inside The Van
"Oh my goodness. Your Mum's a fox!" Seamus stated.
"Watch what you say about my Mum, sicko." Harry glared.
House Number Three
"Why don't you tell me about your son while you're here?" Remus asked, wanting to know about contestant number three.
"Well, he owns this house. He's a lawyer and part time florest. He's a neat freak. Surprisingly, he cleans his own house and if he's at someone's house and it's messy, he would clean their house… with permission of course." She laughed.
"So, how tall is he?" Remus asked.
"The top of his head would reach your chin." Lily replied.
"Do you think he's the person to bottom or top?" Remus asked, grinning, liking the sound of contestant number 3.
"Bottom." Lily replied before laughing.
"Anything I should know about?" Remus asked.
"Like what?" Lily asked.
"Like fetishes" Remus joked.
"He has a chapstick fetish." Lily replied.
"So, if I needed chapstick would he lend me his?" Remus asked hypothetically.
"No." Lily laughed.
Inside The Van
"That is so not true! I'd give him my chapstick… Just as long as he doesn't give it to anyone else." Harry stated, feeling hurt that his mother said that.
"Oh man, you're like the perfect guy. And you're on a dating show?" Draco asked him.
"I've never been on a date before." Harry replied.
"If you win, I won't hate you." Seamus stated.
"You're too hard to hate. I just might take up your offer to be my laywer though." Draco told him.
House Number Three
"I'm going to let you go now. Finish looking at the house. His bedroom is the third floor." Lily said before leaving.
"Okay, so I met Mrs. Potter and it seems like contestant number 3 is a nice fellow." Remus said before looking at the rest of the floor before going to the third floor to Harry's bedroom.
It was nice, clean, and big and had a few canvases, some of them empty, a few of them drying. There were trophies and medals on shelves, as well as diplomas and certificates and documents. There were a few bookcases full of books, one of the bookcases holding all law books. There were many art books, and he had a computer. He had a closet, and a queen size bed.
Remus decided he was tired after a while and laid down on the bed.
"This is a nice bed. I could get used to this. I guess Mrs. Potter was right, he is a clean freak. Maybe contestant number 1 could get him to clean his house for him." Remus joked before sitting up. "As much as I like laying down I have to get to work in finding any flaws." He laughed before getting off of the bed. He looked at the awards. "Spelling champ, valedictorian that's nice your smart, artist… oh, I guess that's why there are unfinished paintings, chess.. ooh, I love chess."
Then Remus walked over to the closet and opened it to reveal a lot of suits, but there was also nice relaxing casual clothing and thankfully only two pairs of shoes.
"Well, I'm done here." He said before grabbing his suitcase and going outside. "There wasn't anything wrong with the house although I think Mrs. Potter was lying, I checked the whole house and didn't find any chapstick. I liked the books and the awards and the art. That's nice. Now, if I can find out what college he graduated from I'd be set." Remus joked before getting into the car.
Inside The Van/At/Inside Remus's House
They arrived at Remus's house and they rushed to his bedroom. Harry just sat down on the bed and let Seamus and Draco rip the room apart, fighting his urge to clean up the mess.
"Guys, that isn't very nice." Harry stated.
"Come on Harry! We're supposed to be raiding his room. The show is Room Raiders." Draco insisted.
"I'm not going to tear his room apart. You two can do that." Harry sighed from his spot on the bed.
Outside/Inside of Remus's House
Remus could groan to himself when he saw the Room Raiders' Van outside of his home. That meant that three guys were tearing his room apart at that very moment.
He opened his bedroom door and actually groaned when he saw a blonde haired man and an Irish looking man just dump the clothes from one of his dresser draws out. He then saw a handsome black haired man with green eyes sitting on his bed doing nothing but sitting. He was the first one to notice him.
"Do you realize you're trashing the owner of this room's room infront of him?" he asked the two and the two paused and looked at Remus.
"Oh. Hi." They both said.
"Hello." Remus greeted. "Now that you two are done, lets start." He requested.
The blonde, Irish man, and the brunette stood infront of him, a few feet away.
"Now, today I went into all of your homes. There were things that I liked and I didn't like. Room Number 1, I liked the art work on the walls. Room Number Two, I liked the styles of clothing. It shows you have good taste. And Room Number 3, I liked your mum… No, I'm kidding, she was nice but I really liked the neatness of the house." Remus laughed. He Sighed. "Now, unfortunately, I'm going to have to eliminate two of you gentlemen, and then keep one of you to myself."
"That's alright." The three said.
"As much as I like art work, I do not appreciate a messy house… And I think I noticed pizza on your floor. Room Number 1, you're going to have to go." Remus stated.
The Irish man stood forward and held out his hand and Remus shook it.
"I'm Seamus Finnigan. That's alright that you didn't pick me. But, speaking about a clean room, yours isn't looking so neat right now either." Seamus joked.
"I'm Remus Lupin. It was nice to meet you." Remus said.
"Bye." Seamus said before waving to the three people in the room.
"Okay now. There's only two of you left." Remus stated.
"Oh, now the pressure is on." The blonde joked, making Remus laugh.
"Yes. But, unfortunately, I've already picked the winner and while you're both very handsome I'm afraid that I didn't pick Room Number Two either." Remus stated. "While your home is big and nice, I didn't like the pornography on the computer and the amount of shoes." Remus frowned sadly.
Then the blonde haired man came forward and held out his hand for Remus.
"I'm Draco Malfoy." Draco smiled at Remus, knowing he wouldn't have been picked over Harry, sadly.
"I'm Remus Lupin. I hope you find some nice person to be with." Remus wished Draco.
"I just want to say you don't have to worry about him because he doesn't even know what porn is." Draco said pointing to Harry when he said that.
Draco waved to the brunette and left. Remus turned to the brunette and smiled. "I loved your house, and I loved meeting your mother. Now, I would love meeting you." Remus stated.
"I'm Harry Potter… And the reason you didn't find my chapstick is because you didn't look in the right spot." He laughed.
"Oh, so you have a secret stash of chapstick somewhere? You'll have to show me later." Remus stated.
"Now that you've finished picking the winner… do you think we could possibly clean up the mess Draco and Seamus caused?" Harry asked making Remus laugh.
"You really are a clean freak like your mum said." He chuckled.
"Can we?" Harry asked, looking around the room. Remus could see his fingers twitching to pick up the mess as well.
"Yeah." He sighed with a laugh.
THE END