A/N: This is the first story I've ever posted, but I read all the time, and like everybody else, I think Fault was one of the best episodes EVER! I'm generally a E/O shipper, but I'll be satisfied with at least a hug on the show when Mariska comes back! This is only an E/O friendship story, sorry! The song is called "Words I Couldn't Say" by Rascal Flatts
My body burns.
That's as simple as it gets. My body is on fire. I can't stand the pain, I don't want to feel. I want it to go away, but somewhere deep inside I know better than to think it will. Maybe the burning is the tequila I just swallowed, but I've felt that burn before, back when I was in school, young, foolhardy, and stupid, and this is something different. This fire is burning me from the inside out, and no liquid courage is going to fix it.
There's a picture frame on my bedside table. I've been staring at it for three days in the unrelenting silence that is afforded me by this tiny apartment. It's a picture of the two of us, taken when we weren't looking. She was laughing and smiling, a real, true smile, not the reserved smile she normally wears. That's just one thing about her I'll miss.
I know what we did was right. But that doesn't make it any easier. What might have been doesn't matter. There's no such thing as what might have been, so it's a waste of time to dwell on. What happened was, I couldn't turn my back on her. It was not even a possibility. She was bleeding. I was not about to leave her there and go after the kids. I love her too much. Could I have gone after Ryan? It doesn't matter. I didn't. That is what matters. And he's dead because of my decision to go to the aid of someone I loved, forsaking the safety of others. She would never have fired on Gitano, not while my life hung in the balance. I saw her crying, but I was sure she'd pull through. In a way, she did. I told her not to make my mistake. She didn't. My biggest mistake was, not going to her aid, but letting a child die. I don't regret going to her, but I regret, more than I could ever realize with words, Ryan's death. I let someone else's life slip through my fingers, and I'll live with the memory of Ryan's blood spilling onto the subway terminal. That was my only mistake. She held my life in her hands, and I trusted her with it. She kept me alive, whether she chooses to admit it or not. The life that was in her hands didn't slip through her fingers. She didn't make my mistake. And that's why I'm here, alone in this dark place, missing her.
I can't count all the times I've been alone with her. All those sleepless nights we've spent, sitting alone in the pen, working until hell wouldn't have it. I never told her I admired her perseverance. But then again, there are a lot of things I never told her. I'd come close, in those little moments, like the one in the photograph next to my head. But I never said a word.
In a book in a box in a closet
In a line in a song I once heard
In a moment on a front porch late one June
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon
There it was at the tip of my fingers
There it was on the tip of my tongue
There you were and I had never been that far
There it was, the whole world wrapped inside my arms
And I let it all slip away
I know why she put in the request for a new partner. I haven't talked to her much since then, just a casual greeting occasionally, but there hasn't been any late night work, no sitting in the car and cracking jokes as we wait for a perp to make their move. But I know why. I said that if we chose each other over the job again, we couldn't be partners. I take her actions as her way of saying she would choose me again. And I'm right there with her. I'd pick her over anyone any day. Isn't that the way life goes? The minute I admit to myself that I love her, I lose her. That royally sucks. I'm married to my job, which is why I'm not married anymore. Kathy's biggest complaint is that I never made time for her, and as much as she doubted it, I did love her. I wanted to be with her. But I didn't make time for the people I loved. I still don't. The only reason I had time to get to know Olivia was time through the job. Now I'll be spending all my time with a new partner. Not her, the one person I want to spend time with. I don't want someone else. I want Olivia there with me in the line of duty. I want her backing me up as I lead the way into a dangerous place, I want to feel her there behind me. She is my safety net, and I trust her with my life. I have every reason to. I want Liv sitting across from me as we bore ourselves silly over paperwork. I want Liv, so I can share a joke with her, and tell her I love her. I want that chance, even though I've missed it so many times. When am I ever going to make time to see her? Truthfully, I probably won't. I didn't do it for my wife, and she left my sorry ass because of it. Will I make it for my best friend? I don't know. But I can't lose her. My job doesn't seem as worthwhile without her. My life isn't the same without her.
What do I do now that you're gone?
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
All those times I could have said "I love you, Liv." Every time I felt it, but didn't acknowledge it. I don't know if I could say them to her if she were here right now. I always do that. I hate it. I did that with Kathy. I never said 'I love you' to her. I didn't let her know she meant the world to me. Olivia is all I have, and I can't tell her. I should have told her. Just once. And because I never said anything, never even hinted at it, we're in almost complete silence. I just want to talk to her. My best friend. I have always had her to turn to, that miraculous woman who put up with me. Why she did let me get pissed, and how she stood through it, I don't know. I've been a real ass to her over the past year. But she remained. I should have held onto this more forcefully. God knows I can be stubborn, so why can't I fight for this? Why can't I fight for her? I don't want to think of how this will turn out. I don't want to think I'm losing her. But I can feel it.
There's a rain that will never stop falling
There's a wall that I've tried to take down
What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips
So I held back and now we've come to this
And it's too late now
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
Just one shot to tell her. I turned my head away from the photograph, knowing all that I think to myself will never be heard by the woman standing across from me in the picture, knowing I'll probably never have the chance or the guts to tell her.
I should have found a way to tell you how I felt
Now the only one I'm telling is myself
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no on else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
Someone knocked on my door. I really didn't care. I pulled the covers above my head and tried my best to fall asleep. I didn't hear the door open or the clunk of her shoes hitting the ground as she shed them to avoid trashing my carpet, as if I hadn't managed to destroy it myself. I'm sure there's a stain left by a splashing of yesterday's Jack Daniels. I didn't hear her start to throw the empty bottles away, or her muttering, cursing me under her breath as she cleaned up after the mess I'd made, just as she always did. She opened my bedroom door and came and sat on the edge of my bed. I feigned sleep, until I felt her fingertips reach over to stroke my face gently. I sat up and stared at her.
"Nice beard." She chuckled a little bit. I reached my hand up to my chin and felt the three-day beard. I hadn't remembered to shave when I took my ritual morning shower.
"How'd you get in?" I asked.
"My key." She kept the key I gave her? "I came because Cragen told me you hadn't shown up for work today like you were supposed to." Damn, she was right. I was supposed to be at work this morning. "You're not in trouble. Cragen said he understands, but if you don't come in tomorrow morning, you're toast." We lapsed into silence. She stared at me, and I stared at her. There she was, right in front of me. And once again, I let the moment pass me by. I could have simply said to her, "I love you, Olivia." But I didn't.
What do I do?
What do I say?
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
She slapped my leg playfully "Get up. I'm going to go into your kitchen and finish cleaning. I'll wait for you to get dressed. If you're not ready in ten minutes, I'll call in a missing person's case. Got it?"
'Yes, Mom.' were the first words to cross my mind, but I kept my mouth shut as she got up and left the room. I was starting to get angry with her for no good reason. I had to stop myself before things got out of hand. I had been unreasonably uncouth to her, which is one reason I was laying in bed when she got here, feeling guilty. Breathing in as I slipped into my favorite pair of jeans, I vowed I'd keep her. There was no way I was going to let her go.
"Elliot! Come on, let's go!" She shouted from the kitchen, garnering her a yell from the next apartment to shut up. I heard her laugh and shout something back in Spanish. I think it was 'Kiss my ass!', but I never was as well-versed in Spanish as she was.
We walked from my apartment to one of the cleaner parks in the area. In silence, we stopped in front of a duck pond. I never did understand what some people's fascination with water fowl was, but Olivia seemed to like it, so once again, I kept my mouth shut.
"Where are we going from here, Elliot?" She asked, without looking at me.
"I don't know. Where are we going, Liv?"
"I met my new partner today. His name's Greg. He's older than you, and not quite as charming, but I like him." She said, finally turning to look at me. As our eyes met, she must have seen the look in mine. What she had said stung, worse than I expected it to. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you."
When I didn't say anything, she went on, turning her whole body to face mine. " I didn't request someone else because I couldn't stand working with you. Yes, you pissed me off with some of the things you said, but as always, I forgave you. But you were right."
"Liv, I…" She stopped me, holding a tender finger up to my lips to silence me.
"Let me finish. I've been thinking of what I wanted to say to you for a long time, and I'm going to say it now while I have the chance. I requested a new partner because I couldn't stand losing you. Looking at you with a gun to your head and your life in my hands was too much. I didn't like seeing the look in your eyes, I didn't like watching as you closed them, ready to let me end your life. If I had made the wrong move and you had paid for it, I would have never gotten over it. I love you too much to live with that. Do you understand that?"
I nodded, with a lump in my throat. I never cry, and there would be no tears now, but I still couldn't speak. I pulled her closer in a bear hug, something I had never done. She gasped and tensed, but instantly relaxed. This woman was my best friend. She may not be my partner anymore, but I would make sure I didn't lose her. She pulled away and looked me in the eye. What I was feeling must have reflected there, because true to myself, I didn't tell her I loved her, but she seemed to know anyway. She lightly punched my chest. "You never change, do you? You can't say it, even just once?" She smiled.
"I love you, Liv."
She had never smiled so much in all the time I'd met her. "Feel like dinner, Mr. Stabler?"
"You never change, either, you know." She turned and started off ahead of me, laughing. I had to admit, it felt much better, having told her I love her. She was my best friend, and my best friend she would remain.
A/N: What did y'all think? Please review, and tell me where I can improve!