Without You Chapter 1: Boys Don't Cry, a law and order: svu fanfic

Authors Note: This is my first SVU story. I'd love constructive criticism. I wrote this in an hour and it hasn't been beta-read. I don't have a beta reader and don't really know where to find one, so please excuse any mistakes. I've written other stories but have never had the courage to post them, so this is a first.

EPISODE SPOILERS FOR 'FAULT'

Song: Boy's Don't Cry by Plumb

Disclaimer: Obviously none of the characters contained herein are mine, if they were I'd be fabulously wealthy and more episodes would be based on the EO relationship ;)

BOYS DON'T CRY

You sit there on the couch
Sipping your scotch and ice
You turn the TV on
And tune me out again

"Elliot, we need to talk" I tell him as he opens the door to his apartment.

His eyes are rimmed with red and my heart aches to take him in my arms and tell him that everything will be ok, we'll be ok, that Ryan dying would have happened no matter what we'd done, and that some day we'll look back on these days and smile knowing we'd got through it all together. I don't act on my impulses around him these days though, because either my impulses have become more intimate by nature or he's keeping me at arms length.

He lets out a ragged sigh and his shoulders slump, defeated, as he returns to his seating on the lounge. He grabs the glass of scotch off the coffee table and I can hear the happy tinkling of ice against the sides, the sound seems so out of place in his apartment at this very moment. The television is on, broadcasting the latest news, photos of Ryan and Rebecca flash across the screen and I hurriedly turn the set off.

"Elliot, don't do this. Don't push me away" My voice is pleading as I sit in front of him, perching on the coffee table. He stares at me blankly and then slowly raises the remote, leaning forward and tucking an arm around me to flick the TV back on.

"Go home Olivia" he states in a voice that is devoid of any warmth or emotion.

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me
You could ask anything
I wouldn't lie
But you're okay with this
Damaging awkwardness
So I'll just play it safe
And keep it inside
'Cause boys don't cry

"Elliot…please" I plead again, and something in my voice must have changed, because suddenly he looks at me and sighs.

"I don't know what you want me to say" he says raggedly, running a hand over his face as he stands up and heads towards the kitchen. I follow him and watch him pour himself another drink and then get a glass for me

"I don't need dutch courage to talk to you Elliot, you're my partner, you're my best friend…we shouldn't need to drink to talk". Slowly he places the glass back in the cupboard and exchanges it for two coffee mugs, I let a small smile flicker over my face at having won this small victory in a battle that had no discernible beginning and an ending that was looking like it might kill one or both of us.

A few minutes later, sitting beside my partner on the lounge, I realise my victory is short lived because he's made Irish coffee. I splutter in surprise at the unexpectedly strong taste, and a look of amusement crosses Elliot's features.

I used to hold your hand
So tight there was no question
But now even when you're near
I've never felt so alone

I take a deep breath, resisting the urge to take his hand in mine as I speak to him

"I asked Cragen for a new partner earlier tonight" I tell him softly, expecting him to react in some way…any way…but there is nothing as he turns to look at me. His blue eyes hold mine steadily as he nods slowly

"If that's what you think is best Olivia" he intones emotionlessly.

I clench my fists in my lap as I feel my eyes widen slightly and blaze with the anger that is slowly curling through my body.

"Dammit Elliot, talk to me" I hiss at him "We can't end like this. We've been partners for eight years, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

The rage that had presented itself earlier in the day after he'd accused me of always expecting him to save me was rearing its ugly head again and I was loathe to restrain it. I wanted him to look at what he was doing to me, to us.

My eyes lock with his in a silent battle of wills. His gaze falters under mine and he drops his eyes to his coffee, but not before I see the tears start to well up to make his blue eyes shine in the most heart-breaking way.

"I don't know what you want from me Olivia" and I can't tell if it's an excuse or if he's admitting to something he's ashamed of or confused about..

If you just stand beside me
I'll keep you in my life
Tell me how much you love me
And I'll be just fine
Don't be afraid of me

"I want you to be yourself again Elliot" I tell him softly, and this time I do take his hand.

"I want your smile to reach your eyes the way it used to. I want you to forgive yourself for Kathy leaving, and I want you to forgive Kathy. I want you to forgive me, and Munch and Fin and anyone else who works the job, because we're the only ones who really know the sacrifices it can take to appear to hold it all together. But most of all, I just want you to want these things for yourself, instead of beating yourself up and striking out at anyone who's close to you…..maybe that will be easier if I leave" I admit gently, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. I brush them away quickly, and the movement brings Elliot's gaze back up to my face. He searches my eyes intensely, looking for answers that I can't give him, feelings I have to hide upon his instructions, and mainly looking for the things I cannot tell him because we're partners, best friends….and that's all.

"I…" he trails off and I frown in frustration, releasing his hand from my own and standing up on shaky legs

"I shouldn't have come here tonight" I admit, hanging my head and forcing a small false smile "I should have left you to your own devices, let you figure out what you were doing on your own. But Elliot…I can't do this anymore. I don't know what you want from me, I don't know what I've done to make you so angry and resentful towards me" I turn and slowly head towards the door, praying that he jumps up to stop me.

I'm almost at the door when I feel a hand wrap around my upper arm, pulling me back gently

"I'm sorry Liv. I'm so sorry." His eyes are tortured as he looks at me, almost willing me to read his thoughts, to understand without question what he's apologising for, what he's really trying to say to me. I try to smile up at him through my tears and lean forward, pressing my lips to his for just a moment too long, as I feel him start to respond to me I pull away gently. I pull his hand from my arm and turn to leave.

"I know Elliot" I tell him sadly, wishing we were able to do more than play it safe.

I close the door softly behind me as I leave his apartment; my steps falter only slightly when I hear a bump and then a faint sob coming from behind his door. My instincts tell me to go back to him, to force his hand and to see how playing all our most dangerous cards could change the way things are heading. But I don't give in to my impulses around him anymore…maybe they're the most dangerous cards to play.