Authors Note: Thanks to everyone who left a review and/or emailed me privately. I very appreciate it. I wasn't really going to write this bit. It's just a little Elliot interlude that sprung up when I was listening to this song. I'm not fussed about it, but figured I'd post it before I posted the ending (which will be EO, for those who care).
Song: Without You by Plumb (yes another song by them, but next chapter isn't).
Bold writing is song lyrics, Italics is flash backs, and Normal is...normal.
WITHOUT YOU
I said some things, to you I think that I shouldn't have said
I spoke out of turn, and hurt you I've learned that it hurts me back
Oh what could be worse than
Me losing you...
What if you, never came back
What would I do without you
The door gently closes behind Olivia as she leaves my apartment. I feel lost and empty for a brief few moments that seem almost blissful when compared to the overwhelming grief and anger that pours through me seconds later.
I fling myself against the nearest wall and slowly sink to the ground as a sob is torn from me. I am crying like I haven't done since I was a child, and as my breath hitches in the back of my throat and I gasp for more breath through the tears, I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop this onslaught.
I have never felt more alone than I do at this very moment, knowing that Olivia has just walked out of my apartment and out of my life.
My mind is racing through the events of the day like a freight train. The things I'd said to Olivia…horrible, hurtful things. She'd been angry and I'd been pleased and satisfied at the reaction I'd gotten from her…until I saw the hurt behind the anger in her eyes. I'm such a shit, I think to myself, feeling my mouth twist into a masochistic grin watered down with salty tears as I replay a scene from earlier in the day
"Why didn't you shoot Gitano?" I ask Olivia as I walk towards her, almost menacingly.
"He was using the child as a shield" She tells me, her eyes searching mine and I can clearly see she's wondering where this is coming from
"How could you let him get that close to you?" I demand to know, my anger and fear at the situation getting the better of me as I remember watching her crash to the ground after having her throat slashed
"There were innocent civilians around, I couldn't get a shot" She tells me defensively and I know I should stop but I can't
"I can't do this anymore" I tell her loudly as I turn to walk away "I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're ok"
"You sonofabitch you know that's not true!" she follows me, almost yelling as I continue to walk away. My anger reaches boiling point and I swing around to face her, noticing the shock and anger on her face but continuing my tirade
"I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue" I yell at her. Captain Cragen steps in, but it's too late because I've already seen the hurt in her eyes, and before I can do anything it's replaced with anger. I'm such a piece of shit. I know it, she knows it, and now the entire station knows it.
I'd been so angry at myself, and I'd struck out at Olivia because she was the closest person to me. I'd pushed her away before and she'd never cracked, I'd lashed out at her and she'd always stood her ground. I didn't know how close she was to breaking; I didn't know just how much my selfishness was costing her.
"He's lying" she tells me in a soft, emotionally raw voice. Her eyes and gun are trained on Gitano who holds a gun to my head. He is lying about where he's hidden Rebecca. We all know it.
"I know" I tell her, needing her to know that's she's right, needing her to not question her own judgement right now. My voice is stronger than I feel right now.
"He's never gonna tell us" she whispers tightly, eyes beginning to brim with tears as the stark realisation sets in that this could be the end for one or both of us.
"I'm sorry" she mouths, and the tears spill over. I'm convinced that she's going to take her shot at Gitano. I close my eyes as my own tears fall. I'm proud of her in those last few moments before the gun shot rings out…
We just stood there afterwards, staring at each other. Tears streaking our faces. I'd seen everything in her eyes. Her torment, her indecision, her hesitation, her courage. I saw the resolve set in and thought that it had meant she was going to take her shot at Gitano, and it wasn't until later that I realised it was her resolve, or her acceptance, that she couldn't take the shot at all. She hadn't apologised for taking the shot, for making the decision that I hadn't made…she'd been apologising for making the same decision, for choosing me over everything else.
At this realisation my tears seem to dry up and I find myself getting up off the floor and going in search of my car keys. There is too much at stake tonight for me to be sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Olivia was right, we need to talk. I can't let her walk out of my life without at least giving it our everything.
I got in the car, turned on the lights and the radio
I drove really fast, and I cried harder than you know
Oh where were you, and why did I say those things?
What if you never came back
What would I do without you, here
It's a 20 minute drive to Olivia's apartment. The radio presenter is taking requests for love songs and playing dedications. I let out a small self-deprecating laugh as 'Don't Say You Love Me' by the Corrs starts playing. I am suddenly presented with an image of myself in my minds-eye – a bitter divorced man, eyes bright with unshed tears, speeding through the night towards his partner's apartment in the hopes of salvaging the one good thing he has left in his life. Without Olivia I only have my job left, and I've never known a man to survive the job with only the job to rely on. I want to rectify this situation, but with every mile that passes I am even more unsure of what I could do or say to undo the damage I've already done.
I stop at a red light and slam my hands against the steering wheel in utter frustration at the situation which has presented itself tonight. What the hell possessed me to treat Olivia the way I did? Why did I say all of the things I said?
"If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it, I know you would have taken that shot Olivia" I tell her after she takes a seat beside me outside Rebecca's hospital room. I glance at her quickly, willing her to take this 'easy opt-out' option that I'm giving her. She can make this ok for us, she can tell me she wouldn't choose me over the job and we can go along and get each other through this and continue as we have for the past eight years.
"No I wouldn't of" she tells me in a softly incredulous voice "Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death?" she looks at me, searching for answers. "What about your kids?" she asks, but I can't meet her eyes
"I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head" I say, like that should make up for the fact I'd asked her to leave my children fatherless. I hear her let out a choked breath
"What about me?" she asks dazedly, staring straight ahead.
I can't look at her as I begin to speak
"Look, we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again. Otherwise…we can't be partners". I swear the atmosphere shifts around us in the moments after I utter those words. The air becomes heavy and suffocating and danger suddenly seems imminent.
"I can't believe you're saying that" Olivia says in disbelief, like it's almost the very last thing she ever expected to hear from me. It probably is the last thing she ever expected to hear, and God knows I never expected to say it. But if there is one thing I'm good at, it's screwing up the best things that ever happened to me. I stare straight ahead as I deliver my truth to her
"You and this job are about the only things I've got any more. I don't want to wreck that…I couldn't take it"
I realise as the light turns green that the entire day has been about me. About how I dealt with a difficult case, and if that had hurt Olivia or anyone else in the process, then so be it. I hadn't lied to her though, when I'd told her that she was one of the only things I had left. With Kathy gone and the kids almost grown, all I had was my job and my partner. Maybe Olivia just hadn't realised that before today?
Turning into her street I wonder if maybe I've just never let her know how important she is to me these days. I mutter aloud at how stupid I am as I pull myself out of my car. Looking up, I notice that her apartment window is not lit up, and I wonder where she could be because she'd left my apartment over an hour earlier.
I take the steps to her floor two at a time, and when my knock goes unacknowledged I find myself pacing frantically outside her door and calling her cell phone every few minutes. She isn't answering and I'm getting angry and frustrated at our lack of communication. I know I've hurt her, I know she gave me a chance to set things straight. Why didn't I take the olive branch she'd offered? Why didn't I speak to her, why did I hold back? She'd told me she was leaving, she'd asked for a new partner, and still…still I hadn't said anything. I couldn't even utter the two words my mind had screamed as she'd walked towards the door. 'Don't go!'…but nothing had come out and she'd left…
And now here I am, in front of her apartment, wondering where the hell she is and why she won't answer her phone. A million possibilities run rampant through my mind, a constant reminder of all the horrors I witness on a daily basis.
As the minutes tick by and slowly turn from one hour into two, I turn from anger and frustration to frantic, and then to desperation. Where is she? Why isn't she home, when she'd left my place hours ago. How angry had she been when she'd left? I try to remember the look in her eyes the last time I'd met her gaze and realise with sudden clarity that she hadn't been angry at all; she'd been hurt and she'd been sad and, God, I recognised that look in her eyes.
Is there any way you can forgive me for what I've done
Is there any way in you could love me still, for being so wrong
Can you forgive me
Can you forgive me
What if you never came back
What would I do without you here
As my mind finally clicks into gear and I recognise Olivia's state of mind as she'd left my apartment, I find another wall to slide down.
Three years ago we'd had a six year old victim, raped and beaten until the only way we could identify her was from her DNA. We'd been searching for her for three days, when we'd gotten a lead that led us to a pretty house in the suburbs, white picket fence and happy families living all around. Olivia had been the one to find the girl, tied to a bed in the attic, a blood red rose placed over the gaping hole in her chest. And Olivia had walked from the room and vomited into a nearby bin. I'd stopped by her apartment later that night on my way home from work to find her staring at the empty bottle of vodka on her coffee table, eyes dazed but frantic. She was bordering on irrational and it was only then that I considered the possibility that she had been fighting demons of her own for all the years we'd been partnered; and I came to accept that at certain times, on certain cases, Olivia might need help in battling those demons. I'd made a point of being there for her when I saw the battle start to wage itself in her eyes.
I ball my hands into fists tight enough to make my knuckles turn white, and barely restrain myself from punching something. How could I have missed that look in her eyes? How could I have let her fall so far without being there to pick up the pieces as her mind started to fracture and shatter from all the evil surrounding her? How could I let myself be a part of what was breaking her?
I let my head fall forward as I hook my arms around my knees. I want to cry again but this time I'm too angry at myself to give in and release it all.
I wonder if Olivia can forgive me for the things I've said, for the things I've done.
Can she forgive me? What will I do if she can't and continues to walk out of my life?
I'm still battling tears as I hear footsteps coming up the stairs.
I know those footsteps well and am on my feet by the time she rounds the corner, keys in hand, heading for her door. I watch her in semi-relief, glad that she's safe, but then I look more closely and notice that she is shaking too much to slot the key into the lock. I walk up behind her and snake an arm around her, shushing her when she lets out a startled scream, steadying her hand as we open the door together.
I shut the door behind me as we enter. She won't look at me and I'm desperate for her to turn around and show me what she's feeling. I don't care if she's angry, I don't care if she wants to do me bodily-harm right now, I just want to know she's ok.
"I've been waiting for you to get home" I tell her in a low voice.
Her back stiffens and she lets out a dark, harsh laugh that leaves me feeling worried and confused, and sends a cold shiver up my spine. She shrugs off her coat and leaves it pooled in the middle of the floor.
"Elliot…you…I…you can't be here right now" she tells me in an icy voice and I feel despair well up inside of me.
I can't let it end this way. I need her to forgive me. I need her to be with me. I need her… What would I do without her here…