DISCLAIMER: Currently I own nothing, but I may or may not be involved in an international plot to coerce J.K. Rowling into signing over her intellectual property rights to the Harry Potter books, and all the characters therein, to an elite organization of fanfiction writers desperate to write 'I own everything' instead of 'I own nothing' next to 'disclaimer.' My lips are sealed.
A/N: I'm really, really sorry about how erratic I am… I never can learn to update regularly…
"I've never seen you so bothered before."
"Well, see, us Marauders like to keep up this façade of coolness. If we act like we're the most good-looking group of guys in the magical and non-magical world, we're fairly certain that soon enough everyone else will believe it, too. Our way of life has earned us a lot of fans, as you may have noticed."
"And a lot of enemies."
--On the Marauders (conversations with moony and lily)
CHAPTER EIGHT
(no apparent reason)
"Divide and conquer," said Lucius.
"That's not as easy as it sounds," Severus muttered. "They're not –" Slytherins was the word that came to mind, but instead he said, "turncoats."
Lucius glared at Severus. "Contrary to what you may believe, Snape, I've thought this through. Being changed into a — a — worm and back again gave me a lot of time to plot revenge." At the memory of being a worm, his face darkened with anger. Those Gryffindors would pay, he'd make sure of it. "At the risk of sounding like Potter when he's bragging, my plan is much more clever than yours was. And I daresay it'll be easier to execute."
"Bloody hell." Severus slumped down over his notes. He shot Lucius a malevolent look over the Slytherin table, where they were having breakfast. Madame Pomfrey had released them from the infirmary last night, warning them not to tangle with 'those tricky Gryffindors' again. "No one, and I mean no one, says 'daresay.'"
"I just did," said Lucius, irritated. "Since Lily won't cooperate, we might as well throw your plan down the drain, and go with mine, which is, likely, much more effective. Do you want to hear it or not?"
"Since it is, likely, much more effective, what do I have to lose?"
Lucius gritted his teeth. Severus had been less deferent to him since Lily Evans had changed them into worms, as though the experience transformed them into equals. To disabuse him of that notion, Lucius said coldly, "Watch how you talk, Severus. Remember that you are talking to a Malfoy."
Severus nodded, gazing down at his bacon and resisting the urge to say 'yes sir.'
But Lucius didn't respond. Severus looked up at him. His eyes were gleaming, trained somewhere at the Gryffindor table. Severus followed his gaze.
Remus and Lily were seated together at the far end of the table, away from the other students, laughing and talking.
"I thought Potter had a claim on Evans," Severus said.
"I'll bet that was what Potter thought, too." Something in Lucius' voice made Severus glance at him again, quickly.
Lucius Malfoy smiled. "Divide and conquer. I knew Lily was the way to do it, but I didn't know she'd make it this easy for us."
--------------------------------
Lily entered the Great Hall, eager to eat breakfast. She and Mara had spent all night helping Diana finish some heavy homework for Potions; in fact, the two sisters were still at it. But they had shooed Lily away to eat, telling her she had already helped too much. Lily acquiesced only because she was really hungry.
She spotted Remus sitting at one end of the Gryffindor table. The rest of the Marauders were nowhere in sight. Lily hesitated, then sat down next to Remus, trying to be casual about it. The sunlight slanted through the high windows of the Great Hall, highlighting his tousled brown hair, and he looked far too delectable for her peace of mind. She cleared her throat as she sat, in case he hadn't noticed her.
Remus grinned at her, looking completely at ease. "Where's your partner in crime?"
Lily hoped she didn't look nervous, because Remus certainly didn't. "I think I should be asking you that. Only, change 'partner' to 'cohorts.'"
His smile was appreciative. "Let's just say that Peter had a mishap last night while practicing the Switching Spell for Professor Flitwick's test."
"What happened?" Lily asked.
"He mixed James' and Sirius' things with each other. Last night the two of them just laughed it off, but this morning, while getting dressed, I think they figured out the disadvantages. Peter's trying to help them sort it out, but…"
Lily laughed. "Mara's with her sister, helping her finish some last-minute work. Made me wish—" Abruptly, flushing at what she had been about to say, Lily cut herself off.
"What?" Remus tilted his head in inquiry.
Lily shrugged uncomfortably. "Nothing."
Remus took a sip of juice. "If you don't like how I react, you can always change me to a worm."
Lily had to laugh. "Oh, all right. Seeing Mara and Diana together made me wish that — oh, it's not a big deal. I just wish that Petunia treated me like Mara does Diana. Petunia's my older sister," she explained.
"A Muggle?"
Lily nodded.
"How does she treat you?"
Again, Lily shrugged. "I don't know. Not like Mara treats Diana, that's for sure." She stole a glance at Remus, saw the quiet keenness in his eyes, and flushed. Aware of what she had revealed, she began eating her breakfast. Without comment, Remus did the same.
He paused after a swallow of juice to say, his tone calm and matter-of-fact, "You interested in patching things up with my friends?"
Lily choked on her toast. Remus pounded her on the back until her coughing eased.
He was grinning. "Such a violent reaction. I guess you're not ready to forgive us, then. Maybe in a week or so?"
"I've forgiven you," Lily said.
"Why?"
Lily flushed at his directness, and decided to be equally frank. She said, "First of all, I highly doubt that you came up with the brilliant idea of sending me a black envelope. I think James thought of it —"
"The rest of us aren't blameless," Remus cut in. "We went along with it."
Ignoring him, Lily went on. "Second, you tried to save my life—"
Remus interrupted again. "Your life was hardly in need of saving, not only because Malfoy and Snape wouldn't have the guts to actually kill you, but because you're capable of protecting yourself."
"Third, you took the blame for turning those two Slytherins into worms, when I was the one who did it—"
"Of course I took the blame! I was the reason they attacked you to begin with, wasn't I?"
"And fourth, I've always considered you the nicest of the Marauders," Lily finished. She smiled at him.
"You and Mara always say that," he muttered, his face red and disgruntled. "I'm beginning to suspect that's not a good thing."
Lily laughed. "I've never seen you so bothered before."
"Well, see, us Marauders like to keep up this façade of coolness. If we act like we're the most good-looking group of guys in the magical and non-magical world, we're fairly certain that soon enough everyone else will believe it, too. Our way of life has earned us a lot of fans, as you may have noticed."
"And a lot of enemies," Lily supplied, her eyes twinkling. "But far be it from this mere mortal to tell you that your façade is wearing thin. The sad truth is that I can name a lot of guys who are better-looking than you are."
Remus burst out laughing. "Don't tell Sirius that, please. He thrives on praise."
"And you? What do you thrive on?"
Kindness. But the werewolf only said, lightly, "The same thing as Sirius, only with me it's called truth."
Lily laughed. She had never seen this playful side of Remus before, but then she had never been alone with Remus before. He was always with the other Marauders, and—
"Well, now, why don't you let us in on the joke?" Sirius picked up a chair and squeezed it in between Remus and Lily, beaming brightly at them. Too brightly. Lily felt a twinge of alarm and looked up.
James was entering the Great Hall, saying something to Peter, who was nodding contritely. He hadn't seen her yet. Lily quickly stood up.
"I better bring this to Mara and Diana, and see how they're doing," she said quietly to Remus. Without looking at any of the other Marauders, she hurried out of the Great Hall.
"So what was the joke?" Sirius asked, working to keep his tone lighthearted.
Remus stabbed at a piece of egg with his fork, his gaze evasive. "I was extolling the virtues of the Marauders. She apparently found the bit about our good looks laughable. She says a lot of guys are better-looking than we are."
James sat down in the place Lily had just vacated, having failed to notice her at all. Peter sat down next to him. "Who's better-looking than we are?"
"No one," Sirius proclaimed. He beamed at James, exactly the way he had beamed at Lily and Remus a few moments ago.
James snorted. "You're smiling like a lunatic, Padfoot. And will you move your chair? You're squeezed in between me and Remus."
Remus met Sirius' eyes. "Yeah, you are, Padfoot. For no apparent reason."
Neither James nor Peter noticed the subtle stress Remus had placed on the last sentence, but Sirius did. He held Remus' gaze for a moment longer, then nodded.
James cleared his throat importantly. "Mates, I've been thinking, and I've decided it's time to put Project Ask-the-Forgiveness-of-Evans into action. Or, as I like to call it, PATFOE. Since that scene in the infirmary was such a miserable failure, largely due to the untimely appearance of Snivellus and Malfoy, I think we should try again."
"Pat foe?" Peter snickered.
"That's right," James said with a nod. "And I wouldn't laugh at me just yet, Wormtail. You haven't found my orange boxer shorts yet."
"Orange boxer shorts?" Remus regarded James with interest. "Prongs, you don't have orange boxer shorts."
"Wormtail, just pretend you didn't hear that." James grinned. "I still wanted to extort a few things out of you. Emotional blackmail works well."
Peter sniffed. "PATFOE's a stupid name, Prongs."
"Yes, well, who cares what the plan is called, anyway? Let's just put it into action so that Evans will start talking to the rest of us again," James said. "Just because you're the nicest of us, Moony…"
"Will people stop saying that?" Remus complained. "I can be as — as — devilish as the rest of you."
Sirius hooted with laughter. "Devilish? That's a new one. We've been called bastards, blackguards, arses, arseholes, jerks, even pigs, but never devilish."
"Elsie said — you remember Elsie? — she said she wanted very much to call me a bastard, but couldn't because I was too ugly to be a love child," Peter said mournfully. Elsie had been a seventh-year Ravenclaw when the Marauders were in their third year, and she'd mistakenly gotten the brunt of a hex Peter had meant for someone else.
Sirius all but clapped his hands with glee. "She called me a bastard when I broke up with her! I have never been so flattered in my life."
"She called me a bastard, too, when I got in her way as she was storming out of the library. You'd just dumped her then," James told Sirius.
They all looked at Remus.
"Very well," he said. "She called me a bastard when I defended Padfoot after I heard her telling some other Ravenclaws what a lousy kisser he was." Remus gave Peter and Sirius an apologetic shrug.
"So I'm the only Marauder she found ugly," Peter lamented.
"Elsie told the Ravenclaws I was a lousy kisser?" Sirius looked outraged.
James sighed. "Let's get back to PATFOE, shall we?"
"It's a stupid name," Sirius muttered.
James shot him a superior look. "You're a lousy kisser."
---------------------------
The plan was simple: Remus would convince Mara to conspire to get Lily alone at Madame Rosmerta's that weekend, when they went to Hogsmeade. Then the Marauders would corner her and force her to listen to their apology. James would try, but if he failed — and, as Sirius and Peter pointed out, he likely would — Remus would take over. Then when Lily wasn't mad anymore, all the other Marauders would find other things to do, leaving James and Lily alone together.
"By this time next week, Evans will be madly in love with me," James predicted.
"You should write a self-help book. Lessons on Self-Esteem, by James 'Ego-on-Legs' Potter."
James had been walking ahead of them in the hallway as he revealed his master plan, and he turned to glower at his friends. "Which of you said that?"
Sirius, Remus, and Peter all pointed at each other.
"It was you, wasn't it, Padfoot?"
"Bloody hell, it was Wormtail!"
"Actually, it was Moony."
"It was Wormtail. I swear."
"Just admit it, Padfoot, and get it over with!"
"Confess, Moony. Come on."
James groaned. "When Evans falls in love with me, I think I'll spend most of my time with her. I've been longing for intelligent companionship for a while now."
He ducked the book Sirius hurled at his head just in time.
A/N: Summer in the Philippines! Ahehehehehehe! Updates galore! By the way, the quote "I'd call you a bastard, but you're too ugly to be a love child!" came from one FeralCheryl.