Standard disclaimers apply. I do not the song "Tada…Aitakute". The song belongs to EXILE!
A/N: Here's the long awaited sequel in the "Letters" trilogy! Sanosuke finally receives Megumi's letter. What will he do? Read and find out! Words in bold belong to the song…I used them because they are just so…so Sanosuke!
Title: I just…
He held the piece of thin Japanese calligraphy paper in his slightly trembling hand, the roof of his mouth dry with disbelief and surprise. The unmistakeable sounds of Chinese conversation, the aroma of freshly steamed buns and tie guan yin tea, and the bustling liveliness of the tavern were the only things binding him down to reality.
She actually wrote to him.
She actually thought of him.
It was ironic how a night ago, he was thinking of her. Silently hoping that the simple "How is Megumi?" he scribbled at the end of the letter to the rest of the Kenshin-gumi could tell her about the longing in his heart.
He wondered if she hated him. Or perhaps, forgotten him.
Maybe she got married, he thought. Living in bliss with some other brainy, successful guy who ranks so much higher on the social scale than me, the street rat.
Which was a more merciful way to end the relationship they somewhat had and neglected, was a hard decision to come to.
He had left with the intentions of making her forget him, hate him and move on. There seemed to be so much between them that was holding her back from the life a woman of her beauty, calibre and social status deserves. He cannot give her anything.
But now, he realised all those earlier thoughts were of no importance now.
For the very first time, Fate had taken pity on him and sent him a miracle. It sure was time though, having neglecting him for the past twenty years.
He had not taken the time to read it yet; the shock at seeing "Haiken: Sagara Sanosuke" prevented him from doing anything else.
Opening up the letter slowly, he pulled the neatly folded letter out, unfolding it to reveal her beautiful, graceful handwriting, and the flood of emotions within. She did not write a lot, only approximately a page or so.
Running his eyes down the first row of letters, he felt as if his heart would constrict and cease beating with all the emotions that filled him. So powerful were the feelings, he feared he couldn't read on.
"Genki desu ka? Boku wa genki desu." Such a simple phrase, but it summoned so many feelings in his heart.
He was elated that she thought of him and was concerned about his well-being.
He was thankful that she was well.
He was suspicious that she might be lying when she claimed she was well.
He was worried that it might just be a casual greeting to brace him for the hatred that was coming up later.
He was in excruciating agony when he saw the dried tear stain after that phrase.
At that moment, he despised himself. He left to avoid hurting her…yet she still got hurt over him. She hardly cried in front of him, except during the Kanryuu opium incident.
But now, she was crying even as she wrote the first line of a letter.
He hated her tears.
He hated the people who caused the tears more.
And this time, it so happened to be him.
Closing his eyes and holding the letter to his chest, he took a deep breath to calm his inner turmoil.
His plan had completely backfired. The merciful and selfless intentions he acted with had transformed themselves into malicious weapons against the very one he intended to protect.
Running his eyes down the next line, he felt a lump grow steadily in his throat, threatening to cut off his air supply.
"I miss the snowing night last winter. The warmth that you gave, the tightly-held hands…warmed up the bitter cold."
Did she honestly think that he didn't miss those times?
Did she believe that he could have forgotten about last winter and needed a reminder?
Did she not know how much he longed to spend every single minute with her?
"When you left, I lost what I once had. You brought the smiles away and left the loneliness…I forgot what happiness was."
Now that Megumi had mentioned it, he was struck for the very first time with the shocking realization.
He too, forgot how it felt like to be happy. Other than knowing that happiness resulted in smiles and laughter, he had pretty much forgot the airy, sweet feeling it awakened in his being whenever she was near.
Sure, he was free, unbridled. But he forgot when the last time he truly laughed in joy was. Being free seems somewhat meaningless now, especially when it was just a façade for his cowardly escape from reality.
He lost something too. He lost her, along with his heart and soul.
"Nights without you are exceptionally dark. All I can do is close my eyes and try to feel it. On the nights without me, who was by your side, replacing the past we once shared?"
At that very moment when that line came to end, it took every nerve and fiber within him to force himself not to run out into the cold towards the pier and demand to go back to Japan.
How could she think that? How could she even entertain that thought?
There was no one else other than her. Or rather, there cannot be anyone else. She occupied all the capacity of his heart, leaving not even a gap for another to intrude.
Guilt, unbearably heavy and painful, weighed down on his entire being to the point of being suffocating. He could almost see her now; tears coursing down her pale cheeks as she sought out the remaining bits of courage within her soul to write to him.
He had always wanted to write to her, but he couldn't even bring himself to write "Oguni Clinic" on the envelope. Alas, it was she who took the first step.
"Can I hear you say you love me again? And go back to the times when I was still in your arms. Can you let me have it once again? The tenderness that once belonged to me."
That was all she wrote, before she signed off with a "Megumi yori".
No "tori-atama", "Baka tori" or whatsoever. Just a very formal and detached "Sagara Sanosuke".
She didn't even express any hints of hatred. She was direct; she came clean with her feelings and desires. Being a man, all he could do was mock himself for lacking what this woman possessed.
He took so much away from her. Her love, her confidence, her happiness, her light in the dark, her strong-willed spirit, her pride…and so much more.
He had to undo the damage he caused. Not only out of responsibility, but out of love. She admitted to how she felt for him…shouldn't that be enough to snap him out of his self-denial and face reality? But even if he did…could he bear to go back and face her?
Should he face her, after all he did, albeit unintentionally?
But he knew, he should at least reply.
Back in the comfort of his room at the tavern, he sat at the wooden table where a single red candle flickered in the hisses of chilly wind that found their way into the room through the gaps that were never mended.
Picking up a Chinese brush he borrowed from the tavern keeper, he dabbed it softly into the black ink, raising the brush to halt above the paper.
He didn't know how to start. Was this how Megumi felt when she first picked up her pen to write to him?
He inwardly chanted for himself to stop fretting over how the letter should be started. Instead, he tried to convince himself to focus his thoughts on her face, her smiles and her cheeky expressions.
"Megitsune e." He was never one to write "Haiken: Takani Megumi". It was too formal for him.
It amazed him how thinking about her face could lead him to writing her nickname out so naturally.
Taking a deep breath while his free hand reached to scratch the back of his head, he struggled to think of things to say.
But there was no need to think more, right? She had been honest and sincere with him. If he didn't even have the basic decency to do so, he'd be damned.
So he wrote.
I had a sad past
And mistakes in my days when I was still too young
Then I met you
And it all sunk into the depths of the sea
Speaking of me back then
I didn't even know how to love...I just...
Hurt you with my lack of ability
I forgot what kindness was all about
It was all true; every single word of it. He was so young and reckless before he got to meet her. Life revolved on an axis around gambling, flirting around red light districts, drinking and all types of negative pastimes that made the Sanosuke of today grimace with the mere memory of it.
I just want to see you...
Chewing on my lower lip, I started to cry.
I want to see you now...I can't forget about you
Time passed, and again left me
all alone.
Now I can shout out that I can protect you until the end.
I regret the times that I can't return to...why?
He realized an irony in his thoughts. He just told her he wished to protect her, yet he regrets the fact that they can no longer have what they once had again.
His blurring eyes strained through the film of moisture to read what he wrote again.
But wasn't he the one who told her to live on strongly? Wasn't he the one who encouraged her dreams? Why couldn't he practice what he preached?
Hesitating, he released his bruised lower lip from the grip of his teeth to release the breath that hitched itself in his throat. He continued writing, bending over slightly to write down the very phrase that might change their lives for good.
I just...love you...
Simple, direct and definitely truthful.
Now that it was out, it didn't seem so difficult anymore. He blinked the oncoming tears back furiously, returning his attention to the unfinished letter.
my tears dry up
I wander around in a world without you.
I don't want to forget...the nights that I sleep, holding onto your scent
It makes me lonely...
He deserved to have and pursue dreams like anyone else…right?
He could love too…right?
Why should he suffer when happiness is just across the sea?
With the answers in mind, he pulled a few crumpled Chinese banknotes and coins out of his pocket, counting out the money that would get him a ticket back to Tokyo by sea.
I just...want to see you.
"Tori-atama yori."
Owari.
A/N:I really adore the lyrics of this song…I knew I had to use it the moment I read it. However, I omitted some parts when I was translating, since the original lyrics did not have a happy ending. Furthermore, there were flashbacks to times they shared in the train…and sharing a tender moment with Sanosuke is just pretty impossible with his immense fear of them. LOL.
Hope you guys enjoyed this one! If I get enough reviews, I may decide to do an omake (funny) version of the ending just for fun! Please R&R! Thank you!