Disclaimer: I don't own anything CATCF-related…yet…DVD comes out in Britain soon! I saw the ad for it this afternoon and I nearly did what Mike does at the end of this chappie!
Author's note: This is what happens when a one-shot idea gets out of control…
And, yeah, my penname has changed. I used to be Smegginitlarge.
"This is the testing room for my latest invention: television chocolate."
Mike sighed; the coolest thing in the factory and he applied it to freakin' chocolate. Just like the rest of this stinking place. Well, the Inventing Room had been kinda cool until the gum-chewing girl had had a bit of a mishap. Just like the rest of the tour-group, each one more disturbing than the last.
"One day it occurred to me. Hey, if television can break a photograph into a million tiny pieces and send it whizzing through the air, then why can't I do the same thing with chocolate? Why can't I send a real bar of chocolate through the television all ready to be eaten?"
Mike could think of several thousand reasons. It suddenly hit Mike that Wonka hadn't answered his previous question ("What's the special prize and who gets it?") so he opened his mouth to ask again.
"Sounds impossible," Mr. Teavee said.
Mike smiled. This was his time to shine.
"It is impossible," he said, injecting as much venom and sarcasm into his speech as he could, "You don't understand anything about science. First off, there's a difference between wavesand particles. Duh! Second, the amount of power it'd take to convert energy and matter would be like nine atomic bombs."
"MUMBLER!" shouted Wonka, "Seriously, I cannot understand a single word you're saying!"
Mike glared back at him, trying not to break eye-contact, though the ridiculous goggles they were wearing made it pretty irrelevant.
"Bring out the chocolate!" Wonka yelled at some Oompa-Loompas, who immediately carried in a huge chocolate bar whilst Wonka explained, "It's gotta be real big, 'cos you know how on TV you can film a regular-sized man and he comes out looking this tall? Same basic principle."
Mike didn't know where to begin on criticizing that sentence.
He watched intently as Wonka hit a big red button and the chocolate bar became suspended in space (defying the laws of physics, Mike noted). One blinding flash later, and the bar had vanished.
"It's gone!" Charlie shouted.
"Told ya! Now that bar of chocolate is rushing through the air above our heads in a million tiny little pieces. Come over here! Come on!"
Mike ran over to the television, beating everyone else, determined to find a fault in Wonka's idea.
"Watch the screen!"
Mike barely blinked.
"Here it comes...oh, look!"
The monolith on the screen was slowly replaced by a chocolate bar, accompanied by the appropriate white noise.
"Take it," Wonka said, prodding Mike's shoulder.
But Mike was still dubious, "It's just a picture on a screen."
"Scaredy-cat! You take it," he repeated to Charlie. The scrawny little boy reached deep into the TV and pulled out the candy; Mike just stared in disbelief.
"Eat it! Go on, it'll be delicious. It's just gotten a little smaller on the journey, that's all."
After a few supposedly encouraging bites into mid-air from Wonka, Charlie bit into the chocolate bar and chewed for a bit.
"It's great!" came the verdict.
"It's a miracle," his grandfather said. Wonka strode round to the Oompa-Loompa who was sprawled casually in a big (big for the Oompa-Loompa, anyway) white chair, flicking from channel to channel with a remote. Mike winced when he saw himself sitting in that chair, his eyes constantly glued to some sort of screen. He looked around at the surroundings, bleak and lifeless, and wondered if Wonka was trying to make a point.
"So imagine, you're sitting at home watching television, and suddenly a commercial will flash onto the screen. And a voice will say, 'Wonka's chocolates are the best in the world. If you don't believe us, try one for yourself.' And you simply reach out...and take it!"
"Could you send other things?" Mike's dad asked, "Like, say, breakfast cereal?"
"Do you even know what breakfast cereal is made of?" Wonka replied, "It's those curly little wooden shavings that you find in pencil sharpeners."
"But could you send it by television if you wanted to?" asked Charlie.
"Course I could."
"What about people?" said Mike.
"Why would I wanna send a person, they don't taste very good at all."
How could this guy be so thick? He'd invented a teleporter, and he didn't seem in the least bit concerned. In fact, he'd gradually been getting less and less enthused with each room they visited. Maybe it was something to do with all the drop-outs. Well, Mike wasn't going to be stupid enough to let it happen to him – no matter how much he wanted to be the first person to be sent by television – so he just shrugged and made an 'I don't know' noise.
The group stood in an anticipatory silence for a good few minutes before Mike said, "What?"
Wonka looked shocked, "N-nothing, I…I was just expecting…"
Another pause.
"What?" Mike asked again, getting impatient.
Wonka sighed, "Nothing."
Mike looked towards his father for some sort of enlightenment, but he looked just as confused as the other occupants of the room.
"Let's…move along," Wonka said miserably, "…I guess."
They all made their way towards the door. Mike was just about to take off his goggles when Wonka span round to face him, "Sure you don't wanna test it out, li'l boy?"
"No way!" Mike protested, "I'll get shrunk!"
"To be honest, I don't think it'll matter," Wonka said eyeing Mike up and down, "You're already kinda short, y'know."
"Huh?"
"You're the shortest kid on the tour!"
"Well, I am now!" Mike yelled, "You've obliterated everyone else!"
Wonka stared at him for a long time before slowly removing his own goggles.
"Back in the Great Glass Elevator," he said desolately, "All of you."
Mr Teavee entered the contraption first, followed by his son, then Wonka, Grandpa Joe, and finally, Charlie.
"Watch out, Charlie," Grandpa Joe said to his grandson, "You're jumper is caught in the door."
"Hold the elevator!" Charlie cried urgently as he struggled to free himself, squirming like a slug over a heater. But it was too late. The elevator shot off, tearing his shoddy old sweater off. The others gasped as candy bar after candy bar tumbled to the glass floor.
"What the…?" Wonka stared at the chocolate with his name printed all over it.
"Oh my goodness!" Charlie screamed, tugging at the rags to stop any more falling out.
"Charlie…" Grandpa Joe said distantly, "You didn't…I mean, you wouldn't…"
Charlie dropped his head, "I'm so sorry. I just thought we could use it…to feed the family."
"Didn't you read the instructions?" Wonka asked testily, "It said you'd get a year's supply of chocolate! And you want more?"
"And just chocolate?" Mike added, "You think you and your family can live on chocolate alone? I mean, as well as the incredible obesity risks, the amount of colourings and chemicals-"
Mike was silenced by his dad placing a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Grandpa," Charlie said softly, "I really am sorry."
"It's alright, Charlie," he replied, ruffling the boy's hair, "Things are getting desperate. I suppose it was just a matter of time...I'm sure Mr. Wonka will forgive y-"
"Are you kidding?" Wonka interrupted, "Forgive the little brat? For stealing my hard-worked-for creations? No. Way."
"But Mr. Wonka…" Charlie pleaded, putting on his best puppy-dog expression. Wonka sighed and leaned down to him.
"I wanted you to win," he said quietly, "And I really thought you'd do it. But now…"
He glanced over at Mike and quickly back again, "Oh, just great," he said sarcastically, "You couldn't have just held out to beat the mumbler, could you?"
Mike raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.
"Oh well," Wonka said as Charlie and his grandfather slumped dejectedly down the corridor, and then turned to Mike, "You're good at math, right?"
"The best," Mike replied immodestly, "Why?"
"I guess you can be my accountant or something."
"Huh?"
"That's the special prize," Wonka explained, "A partnership with me."
Mike shuddered, "You're joking, right?"
Wonka shuddered, "No."
Mr. Teavee acted quickly to catch his son as he fainted for the first time in his life.