The Heart of Ayanami

Stop it ! I couldn't hold it anymore. "You took everything from me, Rei. My husband, my kid, my life !" I heard the eva shouted, or maybe that's just my imagination. "Then I'm sorry. I never mean like that!" I shouted to eva. "Don't you ever feel that your life is begun by me? By us?" a cold whispered.

I choked, didn't know what to say. "I already knew about that, " I answered. "You know that I want Shinji, not you, my reflection on the earth, "that voice again. That as cold as ice voice. Always be my nightmare, always haunts me. "I don't understand, "I replied, hopelessly. "You KNOW…..You know…YOU know, Rei !" that voice yelled to me. "I DON"T KNOW!" I shouted angrily. "Rei, Rei, are you okay?" another voice calling me. It's Misato's. "W-wha-t?" I asked after took a breath. "Are you okay there?". This is the real world….."Yes……" finally I answered.

I wore my uniform, after took a bath in NERV. It's cold enough there. That experience in eva wasn't good at all. I got tired with this thing. Why couldn't Shinji and Asuka get that terror too ! I get it every time I enter the entry plug. It's not a nice feeling at all. I took my school briefcase and walked in the corridors. I was going home. Then, I met Ikari Yui's husband, Ikari Gendou. "Good evening, Rei, " he greeted me. "Good evening, Sir,
I replied. "How was the exercise?" he asked me. "So so," I answered. "I guess, now you're going home….." he said. "Yes,". Then he smiled. A very kind smile that shocked my heart. "Be careful," he said full of attention. I nodded with smile on my lips. Smile that couldn't be hidden. Smile that would be blamed by her.

I still thought about this exercise today in the subway. What did she mean with I know? What do I know? I don't know what's she wants. I don't know the history behind this. Gosh……I couldn't stand with this. How come……I got off from the subway and walked to my apartment. It's a quiet dark night. The moon shone like a candle. It means no good.

"I don't want you to exist, Rei," a voice. That voice again ! I could be crazy ! I saw a woman standing there. I had to reach her. I had to know the truth. The truth behind this fake destiny. "Thinking about destiny….. You don't have any destiny…. Remember that, Rei?" She turn on her head and look at right to me. Ikari Yui ? I couldn't believe it. "I have a destiny. I know that, " I answered. I was trembled. Suddenly, she laughed. "What kind of destiny, Rei! Think about that ! What kind of destiny! A kind of the destiny that you borrow from me? Wrong! You took mine….It's not yours !" She said cruelly. "NO ! That's the destiny that I have. Could you please don't disturb me anymore !" I yelled angrily. She stopped laughed. Her eyes turned dark, her smile had vanished and she looked at me. "Disturb?" she asked me calmly. "You call it disturb?" she asked me again. "When will you wake up from that eternal dream ?" she asked me again. I was trembled so much.

"Go away from my life……" I said to her. "What!" she asked me with scary eyes. "Go away from my life. I don't wanna see you anymore. You're just a past !" I shouted to her full of anger. "Do you think I wanna see you!" she yelled. "I'm sick of this ! Don't be another me on earth. No need two same people in this world, Rei ! One of them must vanish, and that's YOU !" she shouted scarily. "NO ! I'm not you ! We're different ! Just stop following me here !" cried me. "Rei…..Rei…..REI !". What's that? Whose voice? I was sure that's not Yui Ikari's. "REI ! Answer me ! ARE YOU OK!" Hufff….That's Misato. "Yes, I'm fine….." I answered.

"I'm fine, Misato," I answered coldly. I got enough with this eva. With all the memories here. "Ayanami, are you okay?" this time Shinji asked me. I nodded. "I'm okay," I said. "Huah……if you couldn't be an eva pilot anymore, then stop, " Asuka said. I don't like that girl very much. Without knowing someone's problem, just said bad words like that. One reason for me being a robot is because I got stressed with this. I used my time to think about eva, about Ikari Yui, and about Gendou. About precious moments that we had together. I will never forget that.

"Rei, the test is over. You could get off from entry plug now, " I heard Ritsuko said. "Yes," I answered simply. I got out from eva when the door of entry plug opened. The tiring moment had ended. I saw Ikari Shinji and Asuka too. They went to the bathroom too. And I saw Ikari Gendou, came over me. Suddenly, Asuka turned back and came over me too. To meet him, I think. "Rei, how was the test?" he asked me gently. "Good, nothing to be worried," I answered. My heart was full of happiness. Every time I saw him, it's more than hypnotized. He's my life, my savior through the sad story. "After this you have a little business with Dr. Akagi, " he told me what I've known well. But I nodded. He always attract me. "Hi, Commander Ikari. I got the best result for this test, and the test before too. Isn't that great ?" Asuka said full of pride. I walked, left them. Still heard the loud voice of Asuka and Shinji's whisper.

I understood, Asuka. I understood your pain. I understood what you covered behind your arrogant words; I understand the dark background you have. We both are almost same. But you are much luckier than me. You're strong enough to run that fast so your past wouldn't catch you. Run faster and faster, Asuka. Don't let 'em catch you, trick you. Don't be like me. I couldn't run from this problem. They caught me too strong, and caged me. I suffer many from this. And you, Shinji. I'm sorry to be cold to you. But I have many things to think and many businesses to do. So, I couldn't be a nice friend for you. Even you're so kind to me, but you'd better find another friend. Don't try to make a friendship with me cause it wouldn't work. But thanks for your kindness to me at all. For your 100 kindness. I talked to my self……..

I walked to Akagi's room. There's something to do there. Then, I found a door with text "Ritsuko Akagi" on it. I knocked the door. "Come in," I heard that voice. I opened the door carefully. Then I came in and sat on a chair. Ritsuko, looked at me. Not as a girl that needs her injection, but as another competitor to get Gendou. When she prepared the injection, I could see into her heart. Ritsuko, it's impossible to get Gendou, don't care how strong you've tried. His heart is full of Yui. No way to get there. Even if you see he shows interest on me, but his life just for Yui. I even never get any chance to get in. Don't look at me as another competitor. I'm not that strong. I'm weak enough to be beaten by Yui. Ritsuko, find another guy. This guy won't make you happy. He's too high to be reached. Ritsuko, you're still can be saved. Don't waste your life with the shadows of him except if you have been caged like me. But, you're still free. Find your happiness, not your pain. These were my words for you.

I've got my injection and prepared to go home. As long as I walked, i thought about Ikari Gendou. That man who interests many women hearts. Gendou, how long will you be locked in your past? I understand about Shinji. It doesn't mean you don't love him. I know you love him very much. But you're still there, in your past. Your soul is still there, never leaves that memories. I was jealous to those memories. I'm made from those memories. And I know surely I will never beat them. But, I do really want to see you face your future. Stand like a man, believe in your heart, not your past. Sometimes I wish you could hear Yui in eva too, not just me who could. Can that make you back to reality? Gendou, you're so lucky more than you thought. But, you're caught by your past and no one could save you. Even I really want, but I'm not that strong to do that. I still walked to my apartment………

I changed clothe and wear my pajamas. I prepared to sleep now. It's almost 11 pm. I don't like sleeping very much. Sometimes, she came in my dream. But, I need sleep for my stamina. How could I face her in eva if I'm not strong enough? Sometimes it feels I have no heart. I just live by the rule, by my work to pilot the eva. I don't like talking too much. In fact, I almost never talk but to Gendou. He understands me, and sometimes I find that I'm blushing with him. But he belongs to someone that I know surely couldn't be beaten. I lay on my bed. I hate nightmare. A part from my self told me not to sleep, so I would not see the nightmare. Another part told me to sleep for the realistic reason. I pulled my blanket, closed my eyes. Tried to sleep.