CW: Ableism, sexism. I'm drawing from history and my own experiences.
Sunset, Gates of Denerim
"What do you mean we can't pass?" said a confused Hawke to the guardswoman.
"But we've got an appointment at a private clinic today, messere. We've got a letter of confirmation and everything," said Bethany.
"I'm sorry, ladies, but we're under strict orders from King Cailan. We're in lockdown until further notice. There are a number of inns nearby where you can stay the night before you head back, and I suggest you do that as soon as possible." The guardswoman must have been repeating this all day.
"Wait, I don't understand. What's happening? Why are you in lockdown?" Hawke was chomping at the bit as if the guards turned her into a rat in a cage. The toddler in her sling wrap was starting to fuss.
The guardswoman gave a nervous glance to her partners. There came a concert of sighs. They hadn't heard, had they? She came closer and spoke softly: "The Blight has started, duck. Have you not heard anything, even on the road coming here?" She looked seriously worried by this turn of events.
"They shouldn't have even been able to make it here, the main roads are closed," an older guardsman shouted from a distance.
Hawke's eyes lost focus, and she couldn't say anything. Bethany came at her side and revealed a portion of the sling to the guardswoman. "There's something more important than the Blight that people seem to be dying to let us know about when they see us."
"Shit," the guardswoman said, starting to put two and two together. She looked sympathetic at least. "I'm sorry," she whispered to Bethany. "If it were up to me, I'd let you in, but as it is, I can't."
"This is a child," said Bethany angrily. "We just came here for a health check up and to pick up her braces. We already paid too. I have the receipt—" She started looking into her travel bag.
"M'am, please keep your voice down," the guardsman intervened, stepping in their direction.
"Sorry, officer. We are very tired and very scared," said Bethany. "Is there no way we can at least get the braces? Have someone from the city go to the clinic, pick it up and bring them here?"
"That's highly unordinary," he said.
"Extremely, as per this whole situation I'd say," said Bethany.
"Can't disagree with that," he drawled. "Who do you have there, then?"
He was softening. "That's my sister, and that's my niece." The guardsman was coming closer, and his buddies started to eye them. Not good. "It's for my niece; we were supposed to show up at the clinic on, uhm, ughh—that street near the market with the climbing ivy and the bookstore with the green frog sign."
"Ah, that's Cleo's place, where I told you to get that mole on your—" said one of the guards' buddies, who was young and bald.
"I know the place," the guardsman cut him, and looked back at the women. "Cleo's mean."
Bethany gave a fake laugh. Hawke was still out of it. So she kept talking to the guy. Maybe he was feeling charitable today.
The younger guardsman circled them from behind, and there came his voice: "What's this then?" he said. Hawke immediately snapped out of it and walked away from his prying grasp.
"Whoa, take a look at this, lads," he announced. "What the hell is that?" he asked Hawke.
"That's a person and my daughter and if you take one more step, I'm gonna fucking murder you," said Hawke.
The guardswoman stepped in between them.
"Can you tell your people to back off please? That's not okay," said Bethany to the older one.
"Oi, look'ye... she looks like one of those things, innit?" said the young one among his buddies. His tone was cruel.
Holly seemed to be aware of his presence, because she started wailing.
"Did you birth a darkspawn or just found it crying on the road and took it to your tit?" the bald guard said.
"Stop that now, recruit," the guardswoman warned him.
"She's a human being and those are called cataracts, imbecile," said Hawke as she backed away even further from them.
Holly continued to cry anxiously.
"Cataracts, schmataracts, that's a monster," the young guy said. "We've got a Blight to fight, what are we doing here? Just kill it!"
She put her hand on her sword and prepared to get her shield from her back.
"Yeah? I've got cataracts too, are you gonna kill me?" said another bald guy from the gates, wearing Templar regalia. "Come on, have a go. I dare you."
Hawke shut her eyes in relief. She was literally ready for the blood bath.
The arsehole guard was silent for a bit, then got up close and personal with the Templar. "You're lucky they let you in, freak. Barely skating by the Ugly Laws. If it were up to me, you'd be left out in the cold just like these whores."
"I've had enough of that," said Hawke and unsheathed her sword. "Beth, take Holly."
"No, no, no, there will be no violence today!" Bethany insisted.
"Seconded," said the guardswoman, who hit the arsehole over the back of his head. "You're suspended, recruit. Go home and learn some fucking humility."
The bald guard acted as though he hadn't heard her, and looked to her superior for reassurance.
"And some respect for women," the old guard simply said.
The young guard couldn't believe it. Even his buddies were silent, pretending to look elsewhere. Immaturely, he dropped his city-issued shield and left.
"So," said the Templar, breaking the ice. "Who's the unlucky bastard with cataracts?"
"My niece, sir," said Bethany, a little annoyed. "She's three."
"Maker, and I thought I was forsaken losing my sight in my twenties," he said. "I'm Otto, by the way."
"Bethany, sir. Holly, say hi."
Holly was still sobbing and being rocked as a tense Hawke tried her best to soothe her after that scene. "She'll pass on that."
"I understand. It sounds like you are having a terrible day."
"No shit."
"What my sister means is, Holly has some unique medical conditions and we needed to get to Cleo's clinic to get her checked up."
The Templar seemed to ponder this, and had a chat with the guards.
"Are you okay?" Bethany asked Hawke.
"I was seriously gonna kill him," she said, rocking Holly.
"Good that it didn't come to that, but... he would have deserved it," her sister said.
"Fuck that guy," said Hawke.
"Fuck that guy," seconded Bethany.
"Fuck!" exclaimed Holly.
Hawke looked at Bethany. Bethany looked at Hawke.
Among a whole day of shittiness, they had this moment, and they broke into laughter.
"Follow me, ladies," Otto said from afar.
"What's happening?" Bethany asked.
"You're coming with me. In the city," said Otto.
"Fuck, seriously?" said Hawke.
"Yes. Let's get going," he insisted.
"Fuck!" exclaimed Holly again.
"I hope that's not her first word," said Otto.
"No, man, she's three. But how cool would that have been?" mused Hawke.
"My sister's … unconventional," said Bethany nervously.
"You don't have to explain yourself to him," protested Hawke.
"He did help us get into the city," said Bethany.
"Yeah, about that—" said Hawke suspiciously and got in Otto's way. "What's the catch? I don't trust this."
"That's a very healthy attitude," he said. "I'm on Circle business here. I told them I needed to use you as bait for my investigation. The guards didn't seem to overthink it."
"Wait, I'm not helping a Templar—" said Hawke.
"What she means is—we're uncomfortable with this trade off. I'm not putting my niece in danger," said Bethany.
"Oh, I don't actually need you. I just said that so you'd get in."
"Why would you do that?"
"Why wouldn't I? It'd be inhumane to send you back on your way."
Hawke looked surprised.
"Yes, that's very... very kind of you," said Bethany. "People have been..."
"I know," said Otto. "Believe me, I know. I was lucky. Already a Templar. It might not let me own land, but the title commands respect in people even when you become a cripple."
"Mmmm, I'm not too crazy about my daughter being a pawn of the Chantry, but thanks," said Hawke.
"You'd be surprised, messere. We're a very diverse bunch."
"Really? I see a lot of white human males and not much else."
"And in the clergy too many white human females. I'd be remiss if I said those aren't big problems in our organisation, but those who join to help people of all kinds are many and vocal. But I'd prefer if we left the debate for another time and fill you in on some things before you get to your appointment."
"Yeah, speaking of," Hawke cut him. "What did that guard mean by the 'Ugly Laws'?"
Otto's kind, hollowed eyes practically sighed for him. "The Ugly Laws, established in Ferelden a long, long time ago, deem it illegal for 'any person who is diseased, maimed, mutilated or deformed in any way, so as to be an unsightly or disgusting object, to expose himself or herself to public view'. In its infancy, the Chantry vowed to eradicate such attitudes along with all poverty." His head shook in disappointment. "Of course, the Chantry is very busy."
Hawke looked absolutely disgusted. "Of course it is."
"That's inhumane," said Bethany in disbelief. "That's..."
"Yes," said Otto, as if it were a casual remark. "The worst place for the disabled is in the public eye. They make people feel... too much; horror and dread and guilt and pity. It would be better if they went away somewhere; like the leper colonies."
"I heard of those," said Bethany. "They just bunch up anyone who looks odd or ill and lock them in old abandoned estates in horrible conditions."
"Yes," said Otto. "In older times, they'd purge them with fire from within. Now they leave them for dead. I fear we shall see more of this in the upcoming years, if we even make it out alive."
"I heard the taint spreads through open wounds," said Hawke. "It's not just like the flu, right? You can't just get it because a darkspawn breathes in your direction."
"It has to be a wound, as far as I know," said Otto. "But do we know? All we've got are faded ancient texts while people are dying out on the fields; which leads me to my point—"
"Oh?" said Bethany.
The Templar stopped and turned back to face them. "Your accent. You're southerners, yes?"
"We're from Seheron, actually," said Hawke.
Bethany rolled her eyes. "The Hinterlands," she corrected.
"The Blight is coming from the South, in the Korcari Wilds. You should be weary of that on your travels back home."
The sisters looked at each other in cold, quiet terror.
"Fuck," came Holly's voice.
It took so long to get to Cleo's that they had to turn in for the night. Hawke stayed up trying to figure out how to put the braces around Holly's back and legs, and she was worried as well as hopeful that she might find them useful after all.
Holly was a very strong, curious girl who loved music, jokes and lemon cake. She felt and expressed love through touch and song, and she was very loving indeed. She loved playing with the dogs and getting licked by them. In truth, for all her physical difficulties, Holly was easier to handle than her sister.
Devon was quiet and pensive and often lost in her own world. She liked drawing, bird watching, cloud gazing, ghost stories and animals. She was more interested in her alone play than playing with others and she didn't like eye contact. She was very sensitive to touch and sounds and light and temperatures and often became overwhelmed by people. She often fell, fainted, bumped into things or dropped things, as if she wasn't quite sure where her body was in relation to other objects in space. It took longer for Devon to show all her emotions, with rage and sadness being the easiest and most powerful.
One way or another, though, she got to connect with them in their own quirky child languages, and with that got to revisit and reexamine her own childhood: a long, tumultuous, scary run for survival. Places changing from one day to the next; parents fighting over routes, over food and over her and her siblings; getting lost in unknown territories; getting kidnapped in some city she'd forgotten, not knowing whether she'll see her mum again; her mum crying a lot and her promising to be a better child; her failing and failing and failing at magic; her dad over her shoulder at every turn telling she must try harder.
That wasn't going to be their life. She wouldn't allow it. She looked at Holly sleeping peacefully with Bethany. Maker, she loved them. They were all unique, and wonderful, and made her life so much better.
She stepped out on the little balcony to have a drink and a smoke out of a shitty pipe, lost in her thoughts.
"Can't sleep?" came Bethany's voice from behind.
"No," she said, and poured her a drink. "Have some with me."
"What's this then?" said her sister, sitting down across.
Hawke looked at the bottle and shrugged. "Could be mead, could be rat poison."
Bethany took a sip that violated her expression. "Ugh, it's like mulled wine if it expired a month ago."
They sat in comfortable silence, exchanging silly faces.
"How did we end up here?" said Hawke, looking up at the stars, but never fogetting her drink.
"You'll have to be more specific than that. Who's 'we'? The Thedosian race? Or we specifically? Neither are pretty."
"I guess I mean me, mostly," said Hawke. "But you're welcome to bitch about whatever too."
"Hmm, I play better off other people's misery; go on then." She took another sip and looked disgusted again.
"Well, I asked you question, didn't I?"
"How did you end up here?" said Bethany, pondering her drink. "I think it's to do with you bedding a childhood friend."
"Yeah, that was..." Hawke nodded slowly, then shook her head. "I don't regret it, 'cause look at these crazy, beautiful creatures I spawned, but part of me is still angry about it."
"About what? That it had to be with him?"
She thought about it. "Yeah, I guess that's it. I thought it would be a good thing, in the end, being with someone who knew you for so long. Like there was already a sense of unconditional care and duty, and we were kind of like family anyway."
"Love's not enough," said Bethany, a little drunk.
"I'm surprised to hear you say that," said Hawke.
Her sister came forward in her chair, readjusting her cushion. "Well, while I may not have smashed ass left right and centre growing up, I do read a lot and—"
Hawke laughed. "Sorry, go on, just the way you described it was funny."
"Funny and accurate," said Bethany.
"How's that accurate even!" cried Hawke in amusement.
"What?! You were like... like..." mumbled Bethany. "How many times did I catch you coming out of someone's house sneaking back in at night or first thing before rooster called?"
"I don't know, seven?"
"At least fifteen. An', an'... at least four times I saw come out of Vincent's house."
Hawke burst into laughs and snorkels. "Vincent."
"Yeah, Vincent. What the hell did you see in him? He was so damn hateful."
"Vincent... had a sister."
Bethany's jaw dropped. "Shut up. Lucretia?"
Hawke inhaled deeply with nostalgia. "Lucretia."
"I didn't know she was gay," cried Bethany. "Wait, how did I not know you were gay?"
"I wasn't gay," said Hawke in annoyance. "Ok, I was a little gay."
Bethany laughed drunkenly. "What's that even mean, 'a little gay'?!"
"I don't know! That sometimes I'm gay and sometime's I'm straight."
"Well that doesn't make sense. You could be both. That's more plausible."
"I don't follow."
"A bisexual."
"Is that a thing?"
Bethany sighed. "Yes, it's a thing. It's a very normal thing."
"I didn't say it wasn't normal," said Hawke in annoyance.
"I'm just making sure you're not feeling bad about it."
"I don't feel bad about it," Hawke said and shrugged. Then she came forward as if to whisper something to Bethany, but then she almost shouted in her ear: "There's this redhead at the Chantry, totally gay for me. If I gave her the signal, she'd be saying goodbye to the Maker and saying 'mm, yes, yes, Hawke, more!'"
"Sweet Andraste," Bethany said and rolled her eyes. "I'll never be able to look at her the same again."
"That's homophobic," Hawke teased her.
"Not that, but you with her," protested Bethany. "You're my sister. You know." She illustrated a blob in the air. "Ew."
"Mhm, mhm, I'm watching you," she continued to tease.
"Well, why didn't you tell me for so long?"
Hawke looked at her drink thoughtfully. "I don't know. It was like a secret. The kind of secret you can't tell anyone."
"So all this time you've been doing with girls then?" asked Bethany enthusiastically. "No wonder you never got pregnant."
"Yeah, funny story..."
"Terrible!" laughed Bethany.
"Well so what?"
"So..." Bethany hic-upped. "So why did you never go for Andrei until you got in the army then? Is it 'cause there weren't any ladies?"
Hawke pressed her lips. "It was hard to fit in there. Most of them were from Redcliffe or nearby bannors, and quite a lot from noble families. The peasants, like us, were mostly in service positions, and we weren't encouraged to speak. The elves, especially, were very scared. The humans were cruel to them. I didn't like it, and it made me unpopular. I talked to other peasants, it made me look uneducated. I don't know, I guess... It was nice to have someone around whom I knew."
"I get that," said Bethany. "I guess it was inevitable."
"I guess so."
"Still, what he did to you..." Bethany shook her head. "I can't believe him and Danny are from the same ilk."
"I don't care what his reasons are; I'm sure if cared to let him, he'd cry me a river about them," said Hawke coldly.
"Still, maybe with time, he'd come around."
Hawke looked at her sister with restrained violence in her eyes. "No."
Bethany nodded in silence. "No, he's made his bed, didn't he?"
"Luckily I can get the marriage annulled. Spousal abandonment."
"Cool, cool. Spousal abandonment..." Bethany sunk in her chair. "What a bleak thing."
"It happens all the time," Hawke said cynically.
"I don't like men very much," said Bethany. "Buuuut, I have to, because I'm not gay, nor bisexual."
"If you ever wake up one day feeling like you are, please hit me up so we can make a cabaret."
Bethany clicked her mouth and pointed at her. "You got it."
Sunset, Lothering
Upon their return to Lothering, the village was eerily quiet. And that just never happened on a summer's eve.
"I don't like this," said Bethany.
The windows were all shut, leaving the wind to play only with the ruffle of trees and the faint feeling of a storm.
"Yeah, this is wrong," said Hawke.
At the other end of the village, her old teacher Levi was coming out of the forest. She beckoned to him.
"You should be inside," the old elf said to them.
"Why? What's happened?"
"More darkspawn came yesterday. Two dead, a dozen injured."
"What about our families?"
Levi just stared at them. "You should go inside."
"Out with it," Hawke insisted,
Suddenly, a blue barrier covered her as an arrow from nowhere diverted its path into her thigh.
"FUCK!" she screamed and took out her shield to cover Holly.
From the forest emerged pale white faces with hollow eyes and dirty armour.
"I told you to go inside!" Levi yelled angrily.
Sunrise, Lothering
Hawke was on patrol, as was everyone's duty who had any fight in them. Bethany preferred to help the wounded, but she was adaptable as the need arose. She was definitely deadly with a staff, and she was very, very angry. Everyone was. The army barely sent a squad and a supply caravan despite the growing number of refugees. The world around them was crumbling and the dead were piling up.
Everything changed within a blink of an eye. Daniel caught the blight and he had to be isolated in the bunker. At one point they thought Malcolm had caught it too, but it was just the flu he got from Aldrich. As if the flu wasn't deadly enough for men their age. He had to self-isolate at home, as did Aldrich. Esme was absolutely gutted, and helping the wounded with her potions was the only thing keeping her sane. Leandra started to tire of hearing updates about the Blight. She desperately wanted to help with the relief efforts, but her family was in pieces and she had to focus on them.
Despite all this, Holly and Devon were doing quite well. Holly's major challenge was to get up and walk. Devon's was to speak. Hawke spent a great deal of time bonding with them, and she would not tire of trying out little experiments. It wasn't easy at all. One must learn to accept a lot of failure, but it was a very valuable lesson to know. At some point she'd realised she was doing it all wrong, trying to help them separately. She caught herself mortified making the same mistakes her parents did with Bethany and Carver. Twins always have some sort of special bond and that was supposed to help them be better together, but Bethany's magic drew a canyon of difference between how they were raised.
Nah, I'm not doing that, Hawke thought. Instead, she just let them be, observing.
And that's when it all came into place. In the girls' play, they were enough for each other to grow. The more Devon wanted Holly's attention, the more she felt she needed to speak, for her sister could not see. The more Devon called for Holly, the more Holly tried to walk up to her to comfort her, for Devon was an anxious girl and her senses were at the mercy of the environment. It was quite the beautiful sight.
And then her reverie was disturbed.
"Any word?" came Bethany's voice.
"Nah," said Hawke, grimacing under the sun.
"That bastard, I swear—" said Bethany crossly. "We need him here!"
"To be fair, he is fighting against the darkspawn in the king's army."
"Not Carver. I heard from him days ago. He's fine. I meant Andrei."
"Oh," said Hawke, unhappy with the name. "Yeah, I don't know about him. Could be halfway across Orlais by now."
"You really believe that?" she asked.
Hawke shrugged nonchalantly. "Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me."
"Maker," said Bethany, crossing her arms. "I can't wait to see him again so I can kick him in the balls."
Hawke laughed. "Please can I watch?"
"Speaking of, I wanted to ask you... Could you maybe—please don't hurt me—talk to Esme?"
"What does she need?" Hawke asked tiredly.
"She's... I'm worried about her. She's not talking to anyone."
"And you think she'll talk to me?"
"With me she's all fake smiles and rainbows. I thought if anyone could get a vent out of her, it's someone she's mildly irritated by."
Hawke looked at her, and grumpily walked past her. "Why do you have to make such good points?" she complained.
"Love you!" said Bethany sarcastically.
She looked for Esme around the usual places with not much luck. She was kind of relieved. If they had a weird, rocky relationship before the twins came in the picture, now the boat had a big hole in it.
Then she went to the house to check on the girls. They were still in the backyard playing, when she saw Esme hovering around.
"What's up, Esme?" came Hawke to greet her. It was just weird, she thought.
"Oh, you scared me," Esme said, startled. "I was just checking up on the girls when you came."
"As always, they are fine and could do without your medical opinion," said Hawke with a mockingly fake smile.
"Don't be ridiculous," Esme dismissed her, checking the girls' joints. "If not for me, they'd fall apart."
"I'm not sure that's true," said Hawke, continuing to fake a not angry smile.
"Look, here—" said Esme quickly, pointing to a bruise on Holly's back of the neck. "That could be the Blight."
"It's not the fucking Blight, woman," said Hawke as she abandoned all grace. "It's just a bruise from playing on the fucking fences."
"I wouldn't be so sure," said Esme, standing up. She smiled passive-aggressively. "But who am I after all if not that annoying person with medical opinions who nevertheless delivered them safely."
"You weren't the only one there," said Hawke grumpily. "You're so fucking full of yourself."
Esme straightened up in defense. "With all the vulgarity and close-mindedness, I can't say I don't see at least part of the reason he has not come home to you."
Hawke inhaled and smiled a murdery smile at her. "That's enough now," she said, stepping close to her face; towering her. "Go find someone who actually needs your help. Come on, off you go now." Then she turned to the kids with a sunshine smile. "Granny Esme has to go now, say bye bye!"
"Bye bye!" the twins said.
"Wow! Good job, Devon! Good job, Holly!" she said, coming down to their level and hugging both of them. Esme walked away bitterly.
Three months later, Lothering
"Just take them with you, Bethany and I can stay and wait!" said Hawke, her face and clothes all bloodied.
"We can't take them all in one go!" shouted Andrei at her in the torrential, awful night. "You need to decide!"
"Well, fuck!" she yelled angrily. The storm was relentless on her frowning, thoughtful face. "Just— just take the kids and elders."
"I can only take four, maybe five!" he said.
"Fine! T-take the girls, my dad, your brother—"
"I need to take my mum too!"
"Why? We need her here. She's our healer!"
"I don't know what to do with your brats! I need a woman to look after them!"
"Fuck you, Andrei!" she yelled. "It's not that hard! You feed them when they're hungry, you tuck them in when they're tired, you play with them when they're restless!"
"I'm not looking after them, Hawke," he said disdainfully. "I need to get the others out and I need to get back to work to feed all of you."
"No one asked you to!" she yelled back. "Fuck! Fine, take your damn mother. All the good she did me. You're no better than each other!"
"You're angry! Welcome to the club! Everyone's angry. The world in unfair!"
"You shut the fuck up, you—"
A horrifying scream came from the house, making everyone's blood freeze.