Disclaimer:

If you haven't watched the anime until the end, reading the comics number nine could help you to understand this story. But actually, it's okay if you haven't done those things above. Just if you want to know the details, those things will a little bit help you.

And, this story is a little bit related to Cryptogram of Wayfarer chapter three. So, if you're interested to read this story with another version and POV, you can read it. But, I must warn you that Cryptogram of Wayfarer chapter three isn't same with this story. Just related

Chapter 4: the death

I knew it for long…that my death would be caused by one of the works NERV gave me. And I could feel that, every day, every minute, and every second in my life that it's getting closer. My death… May be it's because a part of me was made from Adam, so I could feel that another angel was coming. Sometimes I thought that Kaworu also felt that way, he was even more important than me for Dead Sea Scrolls. You know…NERV has a lot of Ayanamis, but there's only one Kaworu. And he worked for Adam, of course he got more information, more feels, more thoughts than me.

Sunday morning, when I didn't have to go to school, Gendou and I were walking around NERV's park. The beautiful park with fountain, flowers everywhere, and the birds. I loved being with him, I always love him and it's never gonna change forever. But I know, his heart doesn't belong to me, it will always belong to his lovely angel, Yui. But I didn't wanna remember that, I just want to love him as long as I can.

"So…you have met the new boy right, the new boy that replaces Soryuu's place" Gendou started to talk. His voice was soft and described a gentleman's image well. "Yes, I have met that boy," I answered slowly. Sometimes I felt a burning desire in my heart, but I didn't know why, I could hardly tell him about the desire. My voice was always cold and monotonous. No wonder people often called me as a robot.

"Nagisa Kaworu, the fifth child. So, what do you think about him?" He asked again, now looked at my eyes deeply and smiled warmly. That smile could melt my heart well, that sometimes I didn't want to believe that his heart still belonged to his wife. "Um…of course he is not just an ordinary kid. I think he has an important role for Dead Sea Scrolls," I murmured.

"Yeah, he is not an ordinary boy, not at all. I think he has a strong relationship with Adam. Seele never lets me know, but soon enough we'll know who he is," Gendou muttered gently. I liked her masculine voice, because he's already mature. "I'm sure about that too. It's getting closer to the end, right?" I uttered.

Gendou turned his head and glanced at me. "It is…" he spoke slowly. He stared at me again. "Do you have a relationship with the fifth child, Rei?" he asked me seriously. For a moment, I felt my heart was wondering. Why did he ask that? He didn't believe me? He didn't believe that I was on his side? With Eva? Or, he just asked for something not important?

I was silent. "I think nothing's important between us," I murmured softly. "I see…"Gendou whispered to himself. "And how about Soryuu? That girl got hurt by the angel, right?" Gendou kept walking, and sat on a bench, he waved his hand, told me to sit too. I came over him, and set next to him. "You said Soryuu, right? I think….she has done her job and played her role. Her time is over now…her job is done now…she could rest…" I spluttered.

After saying that, I gazed at him, waiting for respond.

"May be she's not done yet…There's a role that could be played by her in the end…really end…maybe it's her who's gonna take the job…the last job…" Gendou said it deeply. "May be…But, the one who will take the last job…don't you think it's gonna be her?" Those words came out from my mouth. "Her?" Gendou replied by trying to know who's 'her' that I meant. Although, I was sure he knew what I meant, he just wanted to make it clear.

"Your wife…Yui…" while uttering that name, I recognized that I really didn't want to mention that name…it would tease Gendou's heart and refresh his memory about his lovely wife, it's no problem from me actually….it just made me go farther and farther from his heart…and I never expect that. He was quiet too for few seconds…I think that time I've torn the scar in his heart, so his heart was hurt again.

"Yui? Don't you think her job is over too, in this world?" Gendou whispered. "I don't think so…I doubt it if you don't know the truth…she controlled Evangelion from inside…I know you realize it," I responded him. "May be…" and after that, there's a talk that I would never ever want to hear anymore. Once is enough. It made me surrender. It's too harmful. I closed that memory in my heart, and never opened it anymore until the last seconds of my life…

We often did the synchronization test, and almost everybody was shocked by Kaworu's ability. His synchronization almost reached perfect level, he could use Eva well even for the first time, and it seemed so easy for him to move Eva, he didn't need many exercises like Shinji and I have done. No wonder, he was Adam's soldier. Adam sent his man to meet his lover, Eva and she greeted that guy well, that's logical.

After those boring tests, I could talk to Shinji, even just a little. "So, the tests today are boring as usual, right Rei?" Shinji said and smiled at me while we're on escalator. "Always the same tests," I commented monotonously. And I was sorry for that, there were so many things I wanted to tell Shinji, but so little time and friendliness I had. "But the new comer could do it well. I mean…no problem! He's so great, don't you think so?"

"You really trust him," I comment. He looked confused to hear my words for a while. "Well…you do trust him too, right?" He smiled and asked me. "I don't know about that," I answered him. I knew he didn't understand my statement. "I mean, yeah…he is a little bit weird, but he is not bad. Kind enough," Shinji still tried to change my opinion. Then, I decided to end our conversation. Just kept silent. He didn't know it that time. And I thought it's wise not to tell him that time. He's still too young. He was still pure. He didn't need to know everything. He didn't need to face the evil destiny. Let him knew it himself as the time went on. And I didn't dare to tear his clean-untouchable soul.

That day came. The day, actually, I was ready to face the worst possibility. But I didn't think it would come so fast. I was sitting on a bench in the NERV's park alone, until Dr. Akagi came over me and said, "Rei, get ready, you have to fight an angel today," . I got up when I heard that, but I wasn't surprised. It's my job to fight those angels. Then, I walked out from the park to the locker room, wanted to change my clothe into the plug suit.

After I wore my suit plug, I met Kaworu there. We stopped for few seconds, looked at each others. "Hi," Kaworu greeted me shortly. "Hi," I reacted. Silence again. "So…another one is coming right now," he snapped with a smile. "Yes," I answered monotonously. "You don't have to fight them, Rei," he muttered confidently. "What!" I whispered and choked for a while. "Why don't you be with your father?" He still tried to make me on his side. But that question confused my heart well enough.

"I…I…don't have a father!" I said it firmly and icily. He smirked, seemed knowing that fact. "How can you be so sure?" he asked me again. I didn't respond. "All your files have been deleted, right? You don't know your past, I'm right again, aren't I?" he continued his sentence. "Yes, all my files have been deleted, and I don't know my past, you're right," I had to admitted that. "Well, I never say you have a father here, Rei. Because you are not one of them. You are not one of the people here. You are same with me. You are Adam's daughter. Don't you believe in that?"

I couldn't answer soon. But with trembling voice, I answered "I know I'm different from them. I know I'm not one of them. But I know I'm NOT same with you. We're different,". Silence…"Are you sure you don't want to be on our side?" he asked again for confirmation. "I'm on the right side now," I muttered frostily. "Hm…." he mumbled. "You fall in love with him, am I right?" he snapped.

I could feel a strong passion in my heart that time. "Who do you mean with 'him'?" I tried to hide my feeling. He smiled again. "You're not good in acting. Should I tell you? That guy…That psychotic guy with a commander call…" he murmured full of meanings. "Commander? You mean Commander Ikari?" I muttered coldly. "Yes…yes…whatever his name…Um…wait a minute, his name is Gendou right? Yeah, you fall in love with him?"

"NO! Of course I do not fall in love with him," I answered firmly and loudly, but I was sure he could smell the lie I hid. "Well…I do believe you…believe your words," he responded with a suspicious voice. He didn't believe me, or my words. Because he's right, I was lying. "That's good," I spluttered. Thank God, a voice commanded us from the loudspeaker. "Hey you two, what are you doing there? Hurry up, get to the Eva cage quickly! Now! " It's Major Katsuragi's voice. It saved me from his words. From something that I never wanted to hear…

Kaworu waved his hand as a sign of 'Yes, don't worry'. He gazed at me before he walked to the Eva cage and I followed him. I saw the entry plug was ready to be entered, and I went there. Enter the entry plug, closed the door, and let it went into my Eva. I saw Misato talked from the screen in my entry plug. "Well, this is the command from Commander Ikari. Unit 0, piloted by Ayanami will fight the Eva first, and Unit 2, piloted by Nagisa will be the back up. That's it, any question?" she said. "But wait! What will I do?" It was Shinji's voice…

"Nothing, Shinji. You will stay in the cage, and wait for the result," Misato answered. "It can't be happened!" Shinji protested her. "This is commanded straight from Commander Ikari," Misato tried to be professional. "Then tell him that it's not fair. Tell my father," Shinji still spoke loudly. "Unfortunately, you're not allowed to refuse this command, or to protest. Just work as you're commanded, and stop this not important chat. Now Rei, Kaworu, in position!" she ordered.

Then, I felt my Eva was lifted up, so was unit 2. Then, I could see the angel that I must fight on my monitor. It was like a chain. "We know nothing about this angel, but we're sure that that shape is not its constant shape," I heard Ritsuko's voice. "Understood," I responded coldly. And suddenly, I saw the angel came over me. It turned its shape, it was like a snake that time.

I caught it, clutched it and shot it by the gun. But it's not working. What happened that time? The angel was too strong. "Yo Misato, I need a stronger weapon to fight this one. How could I get it?" I heard Kaworu said it to Misato. "I'll send Dual Shaw! You run to C-883, okay!" she shouted from the speaker. After that, he ran to on of the posts, the angel suddenly stopped attacking me and chased him. But he could dodge well.

Finally, he got the weapon he asked from Misato, and he attacked that angel. But, something wrong was happening. He seemed surprised when he got the angel. Then, it looked like the angel destroyed his weapon, got free and came over me. I never thought the angel would attack me that way.

It was hurt…it was really hurt and painful. It came into the Eva, it entered the Eva. It was like growing in Eva, spreading its root in Eva. It's hurt…it's hurt…it's HURT! Then I saw my arms…what happened with them? They were full of a kind of new muscles…new root…Oh no! I hope it wasn't right. The angel did not just enter the Eva, it entered my body too. My whole body. And when I saw the other parts of my body…my feet…my legs…my stomach…they were all filled by the root and angel's muscles.

I choked and felt so afraid. And it was painful too…my body felt like entered painfully by unidentified things from outside…it felt like it tore your flesh…it penetrated your blood…it felt like it's gonna kill you soon. I still tried to fight the pain, and shot the angel with my rifle. I didn't want to give up…I had to fight the angels! It's my job! I shouted those words so many times to myself. Until that awful memory came and haunted my brain…my heart… all that I didn't want to hear that time…

'I want to ask you something…did you make me as the reincarnation of your wife, Yui?'

'Do you think like that?'

'I don't know…sometimes it felt I'm just the substitution of her,'

'Rei…have you stopped trust me?'

'No, I still trust you,'

'Then why you're asking me that?'

That conversation again….the conversation that I had promised to forget it forever…but, without remembering that…it came again…enter me like the angel…but, it didn't enter my body, it enter my heart…I didn't want to open that memory again! I wanted to throw it away! It's forsaken! I yelled at myself.

'Do you still love me?'

'Yes…I give my biggest and best love to you so far'

'Because I look like Yui…,'

'You are different from her…'

'You're lying… Your love that you said isn't for me. It's for her,'

'Do you know what's in my heart?'

'No…'

'Then why do you decide what's it in my heart that easy?'

Why did it come when I was busy to fight the angel! It disturbed me surely, and irritated my concentration. It made my synchronization level went lower fast. "Rei, what happened! Can you handle that!" Misato yelled. I didn't answer that. I was still trying to shoot the angel. I was fighting the angel alone…and somehow a voice told me this…'you don't want to be killed by your fellow angel?'

Then, it seemed that's not enough for me…for my sorrow…And just like a playback movie, all the memories I hated came again. There's Kaworu's face. 'How could you be so cruel to attack your own allies…?' Allies? Allies? I didn't want to know more about that. I hated these memories! I wanted to get it out of my mind! OUT of my MIND!

'You know you're different from the people command you…You're same with me…We are….the chosen creature…the beauty of this nature…the angels…' Oh, I really wanted to get it out of my mind that time! I wanted to stop it! "Rei, are you okay?" Misato kept shouting through the speaker. You're not helping, Misato….there's nothing you could do that time…I knew it… 'I know I'm different from them…I know we look similar…but we're different too, Kaworu,' I saw myself saying that…it's just like a movie…I could feel my past echoed in my brain.

Suddenly, I thought about something. Something that could be used that time…something that would end this sorrow…something could finish this battle…something that could beat the angel…something could save them….The emergency bomb…The bomb that could explode just by pulling the lever. The bomb that could kill the angel…and just tear the Eva a little bit… It's not a big deal…But, the fact slapped my face…where's the emergency bomb? Where's the useful thing? Where is it?

It's outside the Eva…I should get out from the entry plug and pull it by myself. It would explode on the body of Eva...outside…and the bomb was outside too…I knew doing that was same as suicide. But, there's the only way…The rifle couldn't hurt it, Kaworu event had tried to attack it…but he's failed…I knew Kaworu would kill this angel if he could…because he knew this angel must be vanished…he knew it from the bible…

'Do you sometimes…consider me as her?'

'As Yui, you mean?'

'Yes…'

Silence…..

'You can't answer it…Why…?'

'Because sometimes the truth is too painful to be faced…'

I stopped trying to shoot the angel. Then, I got up from my seat, and opened the door manually. With that painful body, that work seemed so hard to do. I was powerless and I thought it would be my last work…I reached the door, opened it hard, and kicked it…so I could go outside through that door. "Rei, what are you doing?" Misato asked me with a loud voice. I didn't care about that. I just wanted to do my last work well…I wanted to do my final work…before replaced by the new one…

Half of my body had got outside, and I climbed the body of Eva…climbed the irons there…I still could here many voices from the speaker from my entry plug. "Oh my God, she wants to do that!" It's Ritsuko's voice…Then Gendou's voice. "Rei..Rei! What are you doing? Rei! Don't do that!" he shouted. You were shouting like you really loved me…But I already knew the truth…and I had to do that…I had to do that because of my love for you…even I knew…you'll never be able to repay my love…

'I know I'm not worth to be like her'

'What makes you think like that?'

'Recently, I'm starting to be able to see the truth,'

'Sometimes it's better not to see the truth, just live your life as usual'

'You have so many Ayanami Reis, if I die, it's not important for you, right? Cause you still have stocks there,'

'Rei…we live together for a long time…I never want to revive the third one,'

'My heart is starting not to believe your words easily anymore…'

'I can understand if your heart rebels…especially for this time…'

My hand reached the lever. For a moment, I wasn't sure I really wanted to do that…It was right that…even he truly loved me…but I still loved him…I still wanted to be with him…and I didn't really reconcile the third one would replace my place…replace my existence forever…From my place now…I could see the angel entering the Eva well…poor Eva…but after the lever pulling, it's gonna be okay…and I had to bequeath you to the next Rei... "Rei, you COME back NOW!" I still heard he's shouting there. I wish it was from your deepest heart...

'Rei…you're different from them…what's the advantage for you to defense them?'

It's Kaworu…Kaworu bothered me too…when I was facing a strong desire…!

'You don't have to think this much, Rei…'

'I still don't understand…who am I?'

'You are Ayanami Rei…the pilot of Evangelion proto type unit 0, the lover of me…'

Silence…I couldn't say anything more that time…That time I felt my self surrender each time I saw your face…I was captured by your aura…your honest tricked me well…

'No…you are not just Ayanami Rei…' he murmured…that made me turn my face and look at him.

'The truth is…what I call as the pain…you're my Yui now…You are…Yui for me…'

Silence…it didn't hurt much because I already knew about that…I just wanted to make it sure by his confession. That time, everything had been sure…

'I see…'

'By the way, the time is getting closer now…may be you should prepare the next...'

'Even that I spend so many time and love with you…I have to confess that…Human Instrumentally Project now has been active well,'

Human Instrumentally Project? That meant…my death was getting closer.

'Dead Sea Scrolls will always lead our steps…' that's what I could tell.

Silence…

My face was bathed in tears…And I hated to see more memories…But it seemed…the memory would haunt me 'til my death. How I wanted my death that time…

'By seeing your condition now…may be the third one is not for me anymore. May be she will belong to Shinji,'

'Seeing my condition? What kind of condition?'

'Nothing…it's nothing to talk about…'

Silence…both of us were trapped by the endless sadness that I started.

'I'm sorry for starting this horrible feeling. I shouldn't against you,'

Silence again…He didn't know that…I was always willing to love you…and to be loved by you…even as Yui…I always wanted your love…and I didn't mind to be thought as Yui…if with that way…I still could be with you….still could love you…

'I don't know whether you realize it or not…' he murmured

'But I always love you, Rei…Even sometimes I love you as her…but I love you most…as who you are now.' he continues with a whisper near my ear.

And I felt my heart rebelled. I didn't wanna die before I confess my love to you…I left you after you said you loved me…And I was so stupid…I wanted to confess it…I wanted…But at the same time, I recognized that…if I really loved him…I would do anything to protect and safe him…I mustn't be egoist. I've decided. And for the last time, I took a look at the view in front of me…The angel on Eva…I breathed for the last time…and I pulled the lever…

The last second in my life… This is when I tell you this story…At the last second in my life…I haven't said I love him…I haven't told him my true feeling…Will I die unhappily? But even if I haven't said that…I hope he knew it yourself…I KNOW you will now it yourself. And I will never be sorry to sacrifice my self…for the beautiful life I have ever lived…I close my eyes…It seems like I have to end this story. The story of Second Rei's life. I see his face, smiling at me. I say it that time…that I love you….forever…

And the bomb burst…

A/N:

The names of the weapons, places, etc are based on Evangelion comic books. Thank you for reading.