In the mausoleum, Fenris was taking a while.
Hawke had been getting very bored, and, as a result, very anxious. She'd said too much, shown too much. What would he even say? She could think of quite a few possibilities. The Fade was weird and dangerous, but it made you think and feel like nothing else. You couldn't escape yourself here. The only way through was to surrender.
Scenario 1
Fenris comes out of the mausoleum. The moon above caresses his hair.
He walks up to her. She stands up gingerly.
"So..." he says, hair hiding his eyes. "You're a blood mage."
"I was gonna die, Fenris," she says bitterly, eyes to the ground. "And it was my own blood."
"I don't care," he says coldly, looking away. "Take me home."
Scenario 2
Fenris comes out of the mausoleum. The moon above further caresses his hair.
He walks up to her. She stands up gingerly.
"So..." he says with a disappointed look. "You failed your whole family."
"Yeah," she says bitterly, eyes to the ground.
He looks up at her. "Don't worry," he says, putting a hand on her shoulder. She looks at him. "Devon is clearly in much better hands now."
Scenario 3
Fenris runs out of the mausoleum. The moon above misses his head.
He runs up to her. She stands up alertly.
He takes out his sword and lunges at her.
She crosses her arms in annoyance. The sword goes through her like it would a ghost.
"You will not be so lucky when we wake up," Fenris says curtly.
Hawke guffaws and shakes her head. "Oh, we're never waking up."
Scenario 4
Fenris runs out of the mausoleum. The moon above rolls its eyes.
He runs up to her. She stands up alertly.
"So... uh..." he says, hands on his knees. "That was quite an eye opener."
"In what way?" she asks.
"I get now why you can't lose those last few pounds," he says.
"What?" she says in outrage. "Why did you have to run to tell me that?!"
Fenris catches his breath. "Oh, I was running to show you how to lose them."
Hawke looks at him, horrified.
He looks at her flatly and pretends to jog while stationery.
"Urgh," Hawke muttered, hugging her knees. What was she even hoping he'd say?
Scenerio 5
Fenris hurries out of the mausoleum. The moon tries to keep up.
He walks fast towards her. She stands up alertly.
He embraces her strongly and says, his voice breaking, "Hawke, you've been through so much. I can't even—"
She butches up and pretends it's all okay. "It's... fine. A lot of people go through worse."
"I know, but," Fenris says and looks at her with half-lidded eyes. "You've been through enough."
He hugs her again tightly and she says nothing, processing.
"I will never say stupid things again," he says, comfortingly.
She is pleasantly surprised and thinks she should have done this sooner.
Alright, well, that wasn't so bad. She could totally take that... unlikely scenario.
Later, Crowley came to visit. For all these years, he kept up that ginger country boy look, and it suited him. His hair just about covered his ears, and he had kind of a big nose that made him look extra annoying when he smirked.
"Long time, huh?" he said, hands in his pockets.
"Fade time is weird," she said. He came down next to her.
"Thedas time is weirder," he said, wrapping his arms around his knees. "Like, you barely get to do anything and it's already sunset and you need to go inside. You take a long time to travel. Winter sucks. On the bright side, the overdependence on candles gave me some cool ideas to run by Ravena."
Hawke chuckled. "Oh, you naughty boy."
"Exactly," he said, smirking.
"You two actually together now?" she said curiously.
Crowley pursed his lips, thinking. He turned his head slowly towards her. "I could ask you the same thing."
"Touché," Hawke said. She gave him a little smile. "Well, I think you make her better."
"By better you mean less manipulative, right? 'Cause I can't do anything about her meanness."
"Now, why would you change that?" she said, patting him on the back. "Everyone knows you take it like a champ."
Crowley frowned and raised an eyebrow. "Ouch."
"I'm sorry. You take it like a puppy," she said sarcastically.
"How's that remotely better?" he asked.
"Puppies are cute," she said, and stuck her tongue out. A smile.
Crowley, in his wisdom, thought better of prolonging the banter. He said, "Are you okay?". He put an arm around her.
Hawke threw her mask away without a fight. "Do you think I made a mistake?" she asked him.
"Telling him the truth?" he said, shaking his head. "No. You did the right thing. He needs to know."
"Yeah, but maybe it was too soon," she said.
Crowley rolled his eyes. "Sweet Andraste, it's been three years! How much longer do you people need?"
She pursed her lips and nodded. "You're right. Thedas time is weird."
"See," he said, and appeared to be thinking. "Don't worry." He pointed to the mausoleum. "He wouldn't be taking so long if you weren't so important to him."
"Thanks, Crowley," she said, putting her head on his shoulder. "But you know he goes from zero to a hundred. I could see him... going back to zero after this."
He sighed and pet her hair. "If that's what he takes out of that story, then fuck him."
She inhaled deeply and nodded. She was about to cry. So much for butch.
"Plus, he met us and..." Crowley started, his hands pretending to crawl out of a nightmare. "I expected him to freak out, just... way harder than he actually did."
Hawke guffawed. "Holy shit, you're right. Three years ago, he would have seriously had a heart attack. Or my heart would have been under attack."
"Exactly! He called you a viper and he didn't even know you!" Crowley reminded her. "Ravena was so pissed at him she was shouting at us to make her 'fly into reality' so she could make him eat his testicles."
"Whoa, that just came screaming back to me," Hawke said, anti-nostalgically. Then she softened. "Did she really?"
"Yeah. She cares about you," Crowley said, his enthusiasm turning into a frown. "In her own... terrifying, inexplicable way."
"Aww... you bitch," she said affectionately.
"I'm terrifying, you say?" Ravena's strong voice came from the shadowy trees. She was in her, well, one of her normal forms. A tall, dark-haired, gothic lady with great lipstick game and many more clothes on.
"Yes," Hawke said.
"Yes?" Crowley said.
She towered over the sitting Crowley and brushed her claws into his hair. "Good boy."
He grimaced in embarrassment and looked at Hawke. "We're... trying something."
"I like it," Hawke said enthusiastically and stretched out to high-five Ravena.
"Make sure in your tone to really scratch in there how small and worthless he is," Ravena said, gesturing.
Hawke looked at Crowley, her eyebrows sloping upwards.
"It's hot," he said, and then continued to enjoy his hair being pet.
"You know... I appreciate you for being helpful and nice," Hawke said to her. "But making Fenris feel small and worthless is a very bad idea. And wait... spirits can have sex?"
"Uh, yeah," they both said, as if she were crazy.
"But can you feel anything?" Hawke asked curiously.
"Yeah, dummie. Feelings are in your head," Crowley said.
She nodded conversationally, then froze and covered her forehead. "Oh my god, spirits are fucking in my head."
Ravena gently scratched her neck with her black fingernails. "Well... someone should."
Hawke laughed. "Okay, point."
"Good girl," Ravena said.
"Hey, don't try that on me. I'll bite your fingers off," Hawke said aggressively.
Ravena raised an eyebrow. "Later, then?"
Hawke appeared to think about it. "Okay, someone else say things now," she said nervously.
"Bucky has something to say!" they heard Murmur. She was behind Bucky, making them walk. They had changed quite a bit. Bucky had grown hair, a pale, faded pink that went nicely with their turquoise skin and relaxed black shirt. It looked a bit like Fenris' hair.
"I... uh... apologise for..." Bucky started nervously, then looked behind at Murmur. "What am I apologising for again?"
In the most ironic, redundant way, the purple-haired monk of former sloth murmured something to them.
"Right. I am sorry for being awkward and unhelpful when you were emotional," they said.
"It's okay," she said. "I know you struggle with people and emotions... unlike these psychopaths who fully know what they're doing," she finished, scowling at Crowley and Ravena.
Murmur kicked Bucky gently. "I have been trying," they said, and sat down with her. They produced a little speckled bird. A starling. They gave it to her.
"Who's this girl?" Hawke said, and nonchalantly looked under it. "Boy? I can't tell."
"They're a memory. A good one," they said. "This garden's so old and overgrown. I've... been searching for good memories you forgot."
Hawke looked sad. "Aww, thanks buddy," she said and pet the bird. "How do I...?"
"Just gaze deeply into its eyes," Bucky said.
"I don't know..." Hawke said, holding the bird at eye level. "That's more like a third date kind of—"
"Do it!" Ravena commanded, stomping the ground with her foot.
"Y-yes, m'am," Hawke said, startled.
Hawke was at the edge of the woods with Devon. Whenever she was next to Holly, her mobility seemed advanced, but alone the flaws showed. Although it wasn't the same. Nothing appeared to be physically wrong with her. But ever since she was a baby, motion made Devon sick and agitated. She just needed a lot of time to get used to life.
That wasn't a problem for Hawke though. People got too clinical and concerned at home, and it was nice to get out of there and just be people. She held Devon to her chest, her green eyes big and scared of the outside world. Her dark hair grew longer in a bob with bangs she liked to hide behind, and she had a perpetual grumpy face. It was very adorable.
"I know you hate the outside, but there are some good things here," she said, rocking her. "And no matter what scary thing comes up, mummy's much scarier. Believe you me."
Devon didn't seem impressed.
"Well, I'm gonna let that go, 'cause you're small and soft and you smell like egg yolk," she said and walked on. Devon really didn't want to be here. Hawke thought it might be too mean to push her boundaries like that, but then she saw a squirrel. "Look, look," she said, pointing to the tree. "That's Ms Squirrel. She really likes collecting nuts, like you do with err, your rocks and bugs and flowers we press in that book. See? Except you shouldn't eat any of those, but we'll work on that."
Devon seemed to pay attention, and kept looking up at the squirrel and back at Hawke.
"Yeah, there we go," she said, and sat them down, Devon inside the fort that was Hawke. "Yo, Ms Squirrel, do you want some nuts?" she shouted and held out her palm with a nut in it. The squirrel came down from the tree but took a long time to analyse them. "See, she's like you. Very cautious. She needs to make sure we're safe, otherwise she won't take our food."
Devon watched the squirrel. The squirrel watched her. She didn't make sudden movements, so it came closer.
"Come on, Ms Squirrel, let's be friends," Hawke said. The squirrel finally got close to her palm, as Devon watched intently, and shyly took away the nut to eat with her back turned. "See, she's shy like you. Doesn't like people watching her eat."
Devon held out her hand in the direction of Hawke's pouch, so she gave her a nut. Devon ate it.
"Okay," she said, chuckling. "Now give one to your friend."
Devon didn't seem all too happy with sharing, but held out her palm on the grass. The squirrel was done with the first nut and started circling around Devon to assess the danger.
"Just wait," Hawke said. "She'll come to you."
"Okay," Devon said. Hawke's jaw was on the floor. These moments were so cool and she couldn't record them. The squirrel came and snatched the nut out of her hand and Devon said, "Whoa!"
"Good job!" Hawke said and hugged her. "You made a friend!" She was over the moon. "Now, give her another," she said and put another nut into her hand.
Devon stretched out of her grasp a little, intent on being number one nut-giver. Ms Squirrel zig-zagged her way cautiously forward. And just before it made the final step, something flew in and snatched it. Ms Squirrel thought she was too old for this shit and left.
"Whoa!" Devon said in shock.
Hawke looked up at the trees, and pointed to a starling. "Look, look! That's our thief!" She threw a bunch of nuts on the grass. "Now there's enough for everyone. Think she'll come down?"
Devon was very intent on it coming down. She took a nut and held it up towards the bird. Ms Starling wasn't impressed.
"Okay, I got an idea," Hawke said. She levitated a nut up to the starling, and it eventually snatched it. Then she levitated another, but made it move away when the bird came to it. A few more tries, and Ms Starling was unwittingly lured to the ground.
Devon screamed in excitement and it scared the bird off. Then she cried. Hawke sighed and repeated the process.
"Alright, she's back now. We must be silent!" she said to Devon and held up a finger to her mouth. "You're good at that, no?"
As if Devon could understand her irony, she bit her.
"Ah, fuck!" Hawke said, and sucked on it. "That's my magic finger!"
Devon laughed and pointed at her. It's as if she knew!
In that distraction, they didn't even see Ms Starling, fast as lightning, cleaning up the place.
"Ah, balls," Hawke said.
"Ah, balls," Devon said.
"No, don't say that, that's gross," Hawke said nervously. "Here, have a nut," she said, and then cringed at herself. "Wow, I am a terrible mother," she said in amusement. She turned Devon around and said, "Tell you what. We made first contact with the bird. She'll remember us. If we come here again tomorrow, I think we'll get her to be friends with us. You wanna come here again tomorrow?"
Devon looked up at the trees with her mouth open, then looked back to her mother. Her face said yes.
Yes!
"You fucker," Hawke said to Bucky in tears. "Come here."
Bucky looked bewildered, but crawled towards her. She hugged them.
"I can find more," Bucky said, chin on her shoulder.
"No, no," Hawke said, parting away and wiping her face. "I don't think I can take another one right now. But that was great. I..." she said and gave out a big sigh, "where are we again?"
"In the Fade," Murmur said.
"With Fenris," Crowley added.
"And very bad memories," Bucky also added.
"Why... would you do that to yourself again?" Ravena asked, cringing in confusion.
Hawke rolled her eyes. "You know why."
Ravena crossed her arms, still standing. "No, actually, I don't."
"Ravi, come on," Crowley said.
"No, I want to hear it from her," Ravena demanded. She eyed the mausoleum through her lashes. "Do you think showing him your darkest secrets is going to make him love you more?"
Hawke frowned and raised an eyebrow. "No."
"Hate you?"
"No."
"Then what are we doing here?" Ravena said tiredly.
"Good question. What are you doing here?" Hawke said angrily. "I-I mean I thought this was a gesture of friendship, but if it comes at the cost of raking me over the coals, then fuck off!"
Ravena looked hurt and furious. "If we're friends, then why did you make us put on that show like we're dirty, scary demons, hm?"
"Oh, so now you're not okay with being a demon?" Hawke said in annoyance. She came up and in her face. "I thought you were proud to be one."
Ravena crossed her arms and gave her a cold look. "A fair point about me. And Beleth, and Ygdag. Not about these three."
"Alright," Hawke said, and kept eye contact. "Did anyone else have a problem with that?"
There was silence, which made her grin. Then came a little voice.
"In principle, no, but..." Bucky said.
"A heads up would have been nice," Murmur added.
Hawke didn't expect that. She looked at Crowley, who seemed tense.
"I... don't care," he said. "But that's just me."
Ravena groaned tiredly. "Of course."
"Now's really not the time, Ravena," Crowley said and came between them.
She was not happy with him, even though she expected this. "Fine, we'll have this fight another time. But she needs to answer my question and answer it honestly."
"Why? Why do you need that?" Crowley said defensively.
"Because if she's made our existence known to this man, then I need to trust him," Ravena said bluntly. "Do you?" She looked at the others. "Do any of you?"
Murmur shrugged and Bucky scratched the back of their neck.
Hawke watched them, and felt like an ass. She was... right. She didn't ask them before she did it, and it was a big deal for everyone involved.
"Okay," she said, sighing. "I'm sorry I didn't give you a heads up. I was an arse. I'll answer Ravi's question honestly."
"Please," Ravena said impatiently.
Hawke sat back down. "I decided to do this because..." she said, composed, and grabbed a stick, "... because..."
"Oh, Maker," Ravena said impatiently.
Hawke drew two shapes in the sand. "'Cause I wanna be with him. We have this... weird, wholesome connection that's just growing stronger and I... But I can't if..." she said and drew an X over them, "I can't be with him and keep all this shit to myself. It eats me up. It gnaws at me. Every time he comes close. I just... can't be myself. I hate it!"
"Awh..." Bucky said empathetically.
"No awh's, Bucky! Try to remain impartial," Ravena demanded in annoyance.
"But it is true, though," Murmur said, coming between them. "Every time a chaos event happens in here these days, the safest bet is she's close to Fenris."
"Oh, grow up, Murmur. She's turned on! That's what's happening," Ravena protested, rolling her eyes. "She starts shaking, then our houses start shaking."
Crowley was virtually laughing on the floor until Hawke shot him a look. He shrugged innocently.
"No, it's not just that," Bucky intervened.
"Yeah, you try being turned on while also feeling like wanting to die!" Hawke protested.
"What do you think I am, darling? Gluttony?" Ravena said. "I know that feeling and it is a delicacy."
Hawke looked at Crowley with pity. "I no longer like this for you."
"Don't worry about me. I have boundaries," he said, eyeing his not-girlfriend meanly.
"Well..." Hawke said, looking back to Ravena. "It sounds to me like you're saying I enjoy this feeling."
"Good girl. Very astute," Ravena said ultra-condescendingly.
Hawke sneered at her. "If I enjoy this shit feeling so much, then why I am trying to end it?"
The spirits looked at Ravena. She sighed heavily. "I don't know. That's not my area. Pride? Fear?"
"Oh, you're not dragging me into this," Crowley said.
Bucky thought for a second. "I imagine it doesn't feel nice to feel pulled back into traumatic memories all the time."
"Yes, exactly!" Hawke said spiritedly.
"Nor to feel like you need to hide a part of your identity in front of people with whom we should be ourselves," Crowley said.
"Oh, so now you participate!" Ravena said to him angrily.
"Uhm, yeah. This may be shocking to you, but I do what I want," Crowley fired back.
"Okay, okay!" Murmur almost shouted, which surprised everyone. She softened back up and said, "Let's just keep this at a low volume, please, okay? I have sensitive ears."
"You're a floating, ethereal being," Ravena said.
"With very sensitive ears," Murmur repeated.
"Okay, I'll say things now," Hawke said, and gestured that she was going to keep it low volume. "This chaos stuff you experience... it shouldn't go on like this. I don't like it. You don't like it. And he knows it too, he feels it, and it makes him paranoid! And then he gets all in his head too and Maker knows what's in there, and... We just can't be like this. So, yeah, that's why I took a risk. And I'm... 95% certain that whatever happens here, he will not betray me."
"Andrei betrayed you," Ravena said with disgust in her voice. "What makes you that certain Fenris won't?"
Hawke gave a big sigh. "Because he's not Andrei. He's Fenris. He... he eats the same three dishes every week and buys his curtains and his knickers from the same shop. He's devoted, he's very honest, he doesn't play games, doesn't care about money, doesn't believe in gender roles; he actually cares, he asks so many goddamn questions and he's capable of evolving as a person."
"Hot damn. Can I date him?" Crowley said, hands in pockets. Ravena kicked him in the shin. "Excuse you," he said meanly and looked back at the mage. "Can I date him?" he asked again nonchalantly.
Hawke chuckled. "Sure. Ask him out. I dare you."
But no matter what she told herself, when the mausoleum did open, she felt like she was about to throw up. Her ears rang. Her heart was in her throat. She felt her conscience tired and laid out at his front door step, and it all seemed so unreal.
It suddenly dawned on her that whatever his reaction, she would not be able to take it. Not here; it may have seemed like a quiet place of remembrance, but it was actually a very loud place, full of angst, regret and unending rumination. It was a mistake to have lingered here, and it wasn't at all clear whether she had waited for him outside out of politeness or masochism.
"Guys, I don't think I can do this," Hawke said desperately. She clung onto the nearest spirit, and was about to start running.
"Of course you can do this!" Crowley said, in whom her claws sank.
"I feel… like I'm dying," Bucky said, confused and agitated. "Why do I feel like I'm dying?" they said, holding their chest.
The ground shook beneath them. Wind and rain followed, and there was a sound of an ominous bell coming from outside the garden.
Ravena took one look behind her, closed her eyes and seemed to swear inside. "Go," she said to them. "Now! Go! I'll take care of him."
Fenris had barely made a few steps out. He was feeling a bit dizzy and stupid, like the first time they entered the Fade. He looked up, closed his eyes and was just happy to feel some rain on him.
When he opened them, a black thing violently flew into him and they crashed into the altar back inside. The door slammed and locked itself shut. Daniel's headstone was now Iel's. Under the mess of plaster, water and flowers, the black thing willed its shape up and cleaned itself into a black-haired woman with clothes that reminded Fenris of Tevinter.
She held out her hand to him.
He was very confused, and quite frankly, not too happy to receive help. Not from her, anyway. He used Iel to get up, then felt a little bad about it.
"I'm Ravena," she said, more preoccupied with looking through the door to monitor the storm.
"I know," Fenris said flatly.
"Really? Pray tell, how did you know?" Ravena said sarcastically, eyes still on the open slit in the door. She expected the answer on every man's lips.
"You have many forms, but the resting expression on your face stays the same," he said, coming near.
"What a clever little boy," she said, bored. "What is this resting expression I have? Does it start with 'bitch'?"
"It is an expression of pain," Fenris said.
Ravena turned her head and looked him in the eye for a moment. He looked back at her, their respective hairs flying slightly from the wind. Then she resumed her position and said, "Are you trying to make me think better of you?"
Fenris scowled. "I don't participate in immaturity."
Ravena snickered derisively, then she looked him in the eye. "All men are pigs," she said apathetically. She turned her look back to the door and said dramatically, "Sooner or later, and not for lack of trying, you all will demonstrate the weak and worthless character that you really are."
Fenris looked angry, or at least, offended. He said, "You hate men quite a bit."
"I don't hate men, sweetie," Ravena said conversationally. "I pity them."
"For what, pray tell?" Fenris said.
"How foolish they are for thinking they have any beneficial value to society, darling," Ravena said conversationally. "Almost every atrocity, plague and injustice is committed by them and yet we just keep giving them more chances at redemption. And for what? So they don't throw a big tantrum and go on a genocide if they're criticised? You can't redeem yourself if you're not even aware of your problem. Frankly, you should all be incarcerated forever for your own protection and just be harvested for sperm once in a while."
Fenris stayed silent for a while, eyeing her. "Alright, first of all," he said curtly, "I don't disagree that patriarchies are a problem. Tevinter is a perfect example of that sort. But on the side of the real world we are currently on, some of the most powerful countries and institutions are ruled by women. If someone commits genocide, a woman may well have to answer for it," he said. "Second of all, that would be slavery, and that is absolutely not a solution to men's perceived danger."
Ravena gave a bit of an insane smile. "Interesting," she said. "Can slavery ever be a solution to societal problems?"
Fenris seemed to protest, but stopped himself and squinted at her. "I know what you're doing."
"I know what you're thinking," Ravena said, grinning, and looked back at the slit. "Muuust feel like quite the hypocrite, here, on this side of the 'real' world we are 'currently' on."
He grimaced. Hard. "Is that why you tackled me, then? Because I'm a man?"
"No, idiot. Don't you see the storm?" she said, annoyed. "You may be in the Fade, but pain is mental."
He remembered how his humanity limited him when they entered the Fade. He couldn't just brave the snow in Lothering.
He suddenly squeezed in to look and pushed Ravena away with his body. "Where's Hawke? Is she okay?"
Ravena pushed herself back into him and said, "She's fine. We're the ones who're fucked. For now."
"This is the Fade," he said flatly.
"You are crushing it today, young man," she said sarcastically.
"I thought she was in control of this reality," he said.
Ravena guffawed and kept grinning into the slit. "Yeah, right."
Fenris scowled and forcefully closed the slit, which almost took her fingers with it. "Explain yourself," he said.
Ravena clearly didn't appreciate this display and opened the slit back with overt indignation. "I don't have time to explain the Fade to you, boy."
"We have nothing but time," Fenris insisted, leaning against the door.
Ravena kept staring hopefully, desperately. The wind and rain wouldn't budge. She closed her eyes and sighed. "Fine."
"What is this storm in the Fade? And why?" he said.
"It is part of a chaos event," she said, pointing to the rest of inside. The stained-glass windows with the defender knights seemed like they were glitching, their faces turning rapidly from one thing to another; a demonic face, a clown face, an axolotl face. The writing on the headstones was also everchanging, saying things like "I'm sorry", "The Maker does not exist", "Here lies your failure", and "May you never sleep". Iel's headstone just said "ool", with the broken part on the floor housing a trembling "F".
"Andraste, adiuva me," Fenris said in a bit of terror.
"Andraste is not here to help you, boy," Ravena said coldly. "But you will be safe here with me."
"I still don't understand," he said.
"The Fade is sensitive to feelings. It reacts in ways even I don't fully understand. Usually, spirits react on the Fade's behalf, but we have little such power here, and we get to keep our minds. In this absence, nature and objects react instead, mirroring feelings felt in the deep," she said, then gave a little shrug. "Or at least that's my theory."
"Is this what was happening here when you tried to get Hawke's attention in the shed years ago?" he asked.
"Oh, it was much worse then. It was Nightmare City. Perpetually," she said flatly, continuing to watch the rain. "This is just a little blip, a little reaction that'll quiet down soon. It's only feels intense because we are in the heart of it."
"The heart of what?" he asked, outraged.
"Hawke, dummy, we're in her heart," she said. "Specifically a not very fun part of it."
Fenris looked at her and crossed his arms. "You seem to have a lot of experience with this," he said with half-lidded eyes.
Ravena didn't like that. She gave him a look. "What a clever boy, indeed."
"Thank you," Fenris said confidently. "What is it reacting to, then?"
She looked at him up and down, grinning. "What I thought was arousal, but was actually—"
"The storm has died," Fenris said, interrupting her and squeezing her out of the slit's way.
She opened the door harshly, which punched him in the face.
"… panic attacks," Ravena finished, and went outside.
Fenris raised his eyebrow, rubbed his poor nose and followed her. "She was having a panic attack just now?"
"Yes," she said, walking down through the wet grass. "No doubt it's what she was trying to avoid by leaving you to see the memories alone. Alas. When in the Garden..."
"Why did you think it was arousal?" he said, following her.
Ravena smiled meanly. "Arousal is an area of mortal experience you are not so clever at, is it, young man?"
Fenris rolled his eyes. "There are plenty of things I'm stupid at."
"But this one is especially a struggle," Ravena pressed.
Fenris let go of his nose and sighed. Was there even a point in hiding things? "Yes, I… suppose it is."
Leaves were falling on them. He could hear a starling chirping in the garden.
"It is very obvious," she said, continuing to smile.
"For an expert in desire, how come you were so sorely mistaken about the nature of these chaos events?" he fired back.
She shrugged nonchalantly. "I've never been inside a mortal's head before. Not literally, anyway."
"I thought we were in her heart," he said.
"My permanent residence is up higher," she said.
"But we're going... lower," he said, looking at the road.
"We're in the Fade. It's all upside down," she said. "Don't think about it too much. I'm not in the mood to stop for you to vomit."
"So we are going to the head?" Fenris asked her as they reached the gates of the garden.
"We're going home," Ravena said.
She took him down a steep forest path. With time on his hands, Fenris felt the need to ask more questions.
"Why can't you just teleport me there?" he asked her.
"You've been in there a long time," she said. "It is safer this way."
With more road ahead, at some point he couldn't help himself.
"So… why am I like this?" he said, pertaining to his struggle with desire. "Do you know?"
"Why don't you ask Andraste?" she said condescendingly.
"I'm asking you," he said flatly.
Ravena laughed. "He said nonchalantly to the demon."
"I thought you were a spirit now," he said.
"The others are more spirit than demon, I suppose," she said. "I'm the opposite."
"Why?" he said.
"You do ask a lot of questions, don't you?" Ravena said, a little annoyed.
"Oh, I do," Fenris said confidently.
"Alright, then, inquisitive boy. I am more demon because I choose to be."
"Why?"
"Because otherwise I would be lying."
Fenris raised an eyebrow. "Is it… more fun for you?"
Ravena gave a little laugh. "Not really. It's pretty shit. How's being an elf?"
"Pretty fucking shit," Fenris answered. "So, again, why stay a demon?"
"I don't know. I'm still struggling with just being more human. I don't need more pain right now."
Fenris felt that made sense somehow. "I can respect that," he said.
"As for your first question, let me ask you this," Ravena said. "Why do you think you are the way you are?"
Fenris looked down at the road, brooding. "I don't remember," he said.
"Since you can remember," she pushed.
He slowly closed his eyes. "I was hurt," he said.
"Yes," she said, nodding her head. "That changes people. What else?"
Fenris hid behind his hair. "I was controlled."
"Yeah," Ravena said, a little more softly now. "I can feel that."
"So you do have some power here," Fenris said, a little crossly.
"To feel, yes. Like I said, we keep our minds here," Ravena said. "But I cannot really influence the Fade, nor her, nor you. So, you are safe."
"Can you see my memories, then?" he said, concealing his anxiety.
"Only if they're relevant to what you feel," she said, and noticed he tensed up. She inhaled and said, "And even then, it's not nearly with the level of detail you've been seeing in Hawke's memories. More like… faint whispers, ideas, themes."
"How come Crowley knew my birthday then?" Fenris said.
"Because you're mortal, and the position of the planet relative to its star is inexplicably tied to mortals' pride," Ravena explained.
"But how come he knew the exact date?" he pressed.
Ravena sighed. "I don't know. Maybe you really wanted to know. Maybe birthdays are a very strong, easy memory. Maybe Crowley's spirit side has better powers."
Fenris stopped them in their tracks and said, "Fine. Let's put this to an experiment."
"How?" she said grumpily.
He held out his hand. She looked at him suspiciously, but touched it anyway.
"I really want to know," he said, looking into her eyes intently.
Ravena breathed unsteadily and seemed to look past him for a moment. "Interesting."
"Interesting? What is interesting?" Fenris demanded. "Tell me."
Ravena became herself again and started grinning. "You haven't figured out your sexuality yet."
Fenris' eyebrows were pushing hard into each other. "Preposterous."
"Is it?" she said, amused. "What are you, then?"
"Well, obviously I'm—" he said certainly, then became a little more uncertain. "I'm… you know… regular."
Ravena snorted derisively. "And what am I? Crooked?"
He immediately regretted the way he said that, and also talking to her.
"I apologise. This is another thing I'm stupid at," Fenris said.
"Clearly," Ravena said, rolling her eyes.
They walked in silence for what felt like ten minutes, all the while Fenris obsessed over his sexuality.
"Okay, what am I then?" he said suddenly.
"Well, that's the thing," the demon said. "I don't know."
"How do you not know?" he said angrily.
"Because you don't know. You've never known," she said.
"You mean…" he said, thinking of his completely foggy past life.
"You have never figured it out," she said flatly. They walked on. She looked away in the distance. "It's okay to not know. A lot of people figure things out well into adulthood."
"But that means I'm definitely not regu—sorry again… I mean… heterosexual?" Fenris said awkwardly.
"No, honey, you're no hetero," Ravena said, smirking, and feeling a little sorry for him.
Fenris went into himself again, re-evaluating his entire life.
"Does that make you… upsetero?" she said, biting her lip.
Surprisingly, Fenris chuckled. "A little bit, actually," he said.
"But you must have known you were different, even if you didn't have the words for it," she said.
"Of course I have," he said. "I just thought it was because I'm... awkward and mentally unstable."
"Oh, please. So you have a weird brain, and a complicated past. So what?" she said. "It makes you interesting."
Fenris raised an eyebrow. "Yes, like a pig with lipstick is interesting."
"Tsk, tsk, tsk, Fenris, you're so easy. You would not do well if you were a mage," Ravena said, bored.
"Excuse me?" he said, offended.
"You hate yourself more than I ever could. You're perfect abomination material for a demon. You practically do most of the work for us," she said in amusement, which made his vein pop out. "So, again, it's good you're no mage."
Fenris looked at her, and didn't quite know what to say, which made him hate her.
Ravena looked at him with something like pity. "Well, I'm still the desire expert. I can help with that part."
"Oh, really?" he said grumpily. "Are you going to shapeshift and test me again?"
"I wasn't testing you. I was messing with you," she said in amusement.
Fenris recounted the experience. "Well, I like Hawke. So... I like women? ... Right?"
Ravena laughed. "Oh, yeah, you like Hawke alright. Your eyes were practically black. I'm surprised you didn't start salivating."
"Can we focus, please?" Fenris insisted, annoyed.
"Fine, fine. Can you think of any other women you've been attracted to before?" she said.
"Define 'attracted to'," he said pedantically.
"Made you feel hard in your underpants," she said bluntly.
He thought about it. Hard. His face started contorting from how hard he thought about it.
"Not really," Fenris said indifferently.
Ravena squinted. "Interesting. Why not?"
He thought hard again for a moment. "I can appreciate when someone looks good. In fact, I am quite aesthetically attracted, I think. But I can't say I felt... like I wanted them."
"Of any gender?" she asked.
"Sure, some men look good," Fenris said, coughing.
"What about non-binary people?" Ravena asked.
"What is non-binary?" he said, confused. "Like Bucky?"
"Feeling neither woman nor man," she said. "Like Bucky."
Fenris thought about it again. "Sure, I bet non-binary people look good too."
Ravena gave a little laugh. "Oh, you are cute. They all look good then, but who is left for you?"
"I don't know. Is there a fourth gender?" he asked.
"I don't think so," she said.
"Then we're back at square one," he said, disappointed.
After a while, Ravena squinted again. "Fenris, what do you think about when you masturbate?"
Fenris tripped on a rock and tried to steady himself.
"I... uh..." he said awkwardly, looking away, "I think... you know... sexual thoughts."
"Involving...?" she said with tired eyes.
"I'm not going to speak about Hawke like this with you," Fenris said angrily.
"Forget Hawke. I know it's hard," Ravena said patronisingly. "Now think before that."
"Oh..." he said, thinking. "I don't know. I just felt like it was an itch that needed scratching, or... something to bring my mood up when I was feeling shit." He looked up at the trees. "To be honest, I didn't feel much for Hawke either until we spent more time together."
Ravena looked puzzled, then amused. "I know what you are."
"Tell me," Fenris demanded.
"Look, we're almost there," Ravena said.
"Tell me," Fenris insisted.
"Nah," Ravena said, smirking. "I think you should ask Hawke."
"Absolutely not," Fenris said curtly.
Ravena stopped them in their tracks and looked him in the eye. "Let me get this straight. You'd rather talk about your sexuality with a demon trapped in some chick's head than with the actual human being you're in love with?"
He frowned and grimaced and looked down. "Alright, you have me there."
She guffawed. "Hey, man, I was just puffing it out. I didn't know you were actually in love."
"Shut up," Fenris said.
"Nah," Ravena said, as they came to a clearing. "Well, we're here."
One last downhill walk away was a rosy twilight sky and a mountainous depression of tall firs surrounding a semi-circle of wooden houses. Onwards, there was a vast and quiet lake, and a rainbow coming out of it. In the centre of the circle, he could see a peculiar, big tree and people and a fire.
"Is this home then?" he asked.
"I expect you to behave, Fenris," she said sternly, and started walking down.
"I'll endeavour not to commit genocide," he said sarcastically, sour-faced.
Fade Time 1÷0, Dreamwalk Village
Now down at village level, Fenris walked between two houses. On his left was a dark cottage with Andraste's severed head in the yard and a depiction of the Maker being pegged by a woman on the roof next to many ravens. Next was a sort of stick house, a dog house, a burrow, then a path to a distant cave and forest. Next, on the right was the lake, a tall Tevinter-style house, a Ferelden-style country house surrounded by crops, and a small turquoise Orlesian-Ferelden hybrid.
In the centre, there was a big, weirdly-shaped tree, its trunk skewed to the left, and its branches, as if blown by a strong wind, skewed to the right. The inside of the canopy was darker, almost like a black hole.
In front of it was a campfire and numerous styles and colours of chairs, ottomans, little tables and settees surrounded by wooden poles, some connecting transparent pastel curtains. Also, a hammock. Lastly, there were boards with various notices, drawings and complaints.
And a... dear... fox... thing.
"What is that?" Fenris asked Ravena, pointing to the deerfox.
"That's Surgat," she said. "Remember him?"
He remembered the small, quiet demon that "opened locks". This was a strange improvement.
There were people ahead. He could see Bucky's thin turquoise arms and legs hanging lazily in the hammock, while Murmur was standing up and taking notes on a scribing plate with a candle on top. Behind some of the thin curtains there was Hawke sitting down and talking to Crowley in a focused way. The latter noticed them and started regarding them.
He met eyes with Hawke. It was a palpable exchange.
Crowley came up to him in a checkered shirt and an apron. "Welcome to Dreamwalk Village. Hungry?"
"Yes," Fenris said decisively.
"Good. Come here and try my new stew," Crowley said enthusiastically and sat him down on the settee where Hawke was. She looked at him, amused and apologetic. He brought him a hot bowl of veggie stew that smelled incredible.
"Thank you," Fenris said and started eating quickly.
"Can we continue with the event long now?" Murmur said impatiently.
"No, Murmur, read the room," Bucky's voice came calmly out of the hammock.
"I'm reading the log and it is incomplete, and you know it will stay that way if we don't finish," Murmur insisted.
"Whooo cares, Murmur? Jee. It's stew time," Crowley said as he loomed eagerly around Fenris to tell him what he thought.
"Did you have any trouble?" Hawke asked Ravena, who sat down in an armchair and lit herself a cigarillo.
The demon took a long drag, and said, "Of course not. He's harmless."
Fenris' head came up from the bowl with noodles hanging out. "And you were more trouble than the chaos event."
"Honey, you're a chaos event," Ravena said in a bored tone.
Hawke guffawed childishly. Fenris slurped the rest of his noodles. "Sorry," she said to him. "You're not a chaos event. I'm a chaos event. Kind of literally. I just happened to myself."
Fenris sympathised. He was quite the happening sort. They just weren't in his head on, really, any given day to see it.
Murmur looked very grumpy. "I'm going on break," she said.
"Please," most of them said.
When Fenris was finished, he could see Crowley's shadow over him waiting for feedback. "Do you grow these yourself?"
Crowley pointed proudly at his crops. "Aye."
"It was very good," Fenris said.
"Awesome," Crowley said. "There's more if you want it."
"No, no. That was quite filling," he said as the man took away his bowl. He looked at Hawke. "I'm still going to wake up hungry, aren't I?"
Hawke was leaning on her elbow, head in hand, pouring down the sofa. She lamentably nodded.
Fenris pursed his lips and nodded. "Are you okay?" he said.
Hawke closed her eyes and shrugged. "Hunky-dory."
"Why did you panic?" Fenris said.
The spirits looked at each other as if unsure what to do. Murmur looked at Crowley, who made a tense, questioning grimace at Ravena, who brushed it off in annoyance and kept listening in on their conversation.
Hawke saw that and gave her an irritated sneer. Then she looked back at him and said, "I... got too in my head about how you might react."
"About what? The blood magic?" Fenris asked.
Hawke swiped the air tensely and said, "Just... all of it."
"Well," Fenris said, trying not to smile too obviously, "I'm still here."
Various spirits gestured coded messages to each other.
Hawke laughed. "You can't really go anywhere, though."
"Alright. I'll still be there when we wake up," Fenris said, leaning back. "And very hungry."
"Huuuun-ger," a tired voice came from the burrow. Out came an oddly terrifying grey skeleton.
Crowley immediately went to protect his precious stew.
"I thought you were on hunger strike, Ygdag," Ravena said.
"I am," the skeleton said. "But maybe I could just smell it."
"No smelling," Crowley said.
Ygdag wasn't much for showing expressions, on account of being a skeleton, but you could almost see a twinge of sadness as he crawled back in his burrow.
"Why is a hunger demon on a hunger strike?" Fenris asked.
They all shrugged. "He's new," Hawke said. "He's got a lot to figure out."
"But what is he protesting?" Fenris said.
"Oh, he tried to eat the deerfox and we didn't let him," Hawke said.
The stick house door opened, and it shook. Out came one of the prettiest, fanciest men Fenris had ever seen (and he was from Tevinter).
"I'm not hungry. I was just bored," Beleth said.
"Looking good today, Lord Bellend," Hawke said.
Beleth grabbed himself by the coat and said, "Please don't patronise me. This isn't even cashmere."
"I know," Hawke said, smirking. "Cashmere is for humble boys."
Beleth scoffed. "No one who has ever worn cashmere was humble."
"Oh, hey Beleth," Crowley said as he came back. "Is that what you're wearing for field work?"
"You didn't say anything about me working the field," Beleth said in outrage.
"Uh, I said you're gonna be on the field all day," Crowley retorted.
"Yes, but I Imagined you needed me to stand around and give you pointers or some such," Beleth said.
Ravena laughed derisively. "You're pathetic."
"What is happening?" Fenris asked, confused.
"Beleth is learning the value of honest, hard work," Crowley said with a fake smile.
Beleth rolled his eyes. "Like a servant."
"Good luck," Hawke said, amused.
"Break a leg," Fenris said intently.
"For your information, I already know the value of hard work. I had to put my house back together after yet another storm," Beleth said. "And by the way, when am I getting an upgrade?"
"When I say so," Crowley said with another fake smile.
"Shhhh, shhht," Ravena said enthusiastically as a weird sound came from the tree. A deep, grinding sound. "It's happening again!"
"What in Andraste is that?" Fenris said.
Hawke smirked and cringed. "Wait for it..."
The sound came again, followed by two rhythmic softer grinds.
Ravena was practically on the floor. The disturbing sounds just kept coming, making the tree and the leaves vibrate.
"Is that... snoring?" Fenris said.
"Bingo," Hawke said.
Ravena kept laughing. "Oh, Maker. That is spectacular. Just hear how this guy is doing backing snores for her."
The awful sound came again, followed by the two softer ones.
"Is that me?!" Fenris said, eyes doubling in size.
"Why are you complaining? I'm the worst of the two," Hawke said.
"But how... how can..." he said, confused, and a little embarrassed. "You just... watch us sleep?" He swore he could see a hand in the dark void. His hand.
"Creepy, right?" Hawke said.
"Hilarious," Ravena said.
"It is pretty funny," Murmur said, and pointed to the tree. "Look, he's drooling."
The hand was not his hand. The hand was his chin, in a blurry dark void through Hawke's sleep-addled eye. And he was drooling.
Ravena actually poured down the armchair from laughing too hard.
"Do you just watch everything?!" Fenris said, alarmed.
"No, no," Hawke said reassuringly. "Just the... boring, mundane stuff, when I want to."
"For the most part," Ravena said with a saucy eyebrow.
"At this point, we're used to it," Crowley said. "It just kind of runs in the background while we do stuff."
"By stuff, you mean...?" Fenris said.
Crowley looked at him and shrugged. "You know, boring mundane stuff."
"For the most part," Ravena said again.
"I like watching the paperwork," Murmur said.
"I like watching animals and nature," Bucky said, their head coming out of the hammock for the first time.
Fenris looked at them and, composed, said, "Nice hair."
"Right back at you," Bucky said, and went back into their hammock.