Chapter 86: Why Do We Crucify Ourselves
So who are you planning to pay to test it's dread effects," Dora asked Severus, lips twitching in dry amusement.
Severus frowned, mildly taken aback. "I assumed Regulus would sort that bit as this is being done for him. I will attempt to make the potion, of course sending you the bill for ingredients, Regulus. I don't ask anything for helping as you did play a large part in saving my life. Besides I'd help a friend regardless. We all have such few true friends, considering none of us fit in most places."
"I was asking because I have a suggestion for testers," Dora said. "Regulus or I can simply hypnotize a Muggle into coming to drink the potion, then we'll make them forget the experience after."
Mag frowned. "Can you cause them to forget even down to their subconscious? Because if not they could have dreadful nightmares."
Dora shrugged. "We probably can, but we'll still make sure it's someone who deserves to have nightmares if it happens. I'd say we could just feed from them after, but I don't even want anyone's blood who's had that potion after seeing what it's done to Regulus." She shuddered.
Mag nodded. "Very wise of you."
"So when do healers come into play in this project," Kreacher asked. "And how do we find the best healers. Because we don't just want good healers, we want the best...from where ever they happen to be, no matter how far."
"Trustworthy and discrete are also good qualities," Regulus said. "We hoped you two may have some suggestions. I've been out of the loop for so long and Kreacher has basically as well, having had no need to seek out a healer for any reason." As he spoke, Regulus's own words brought back the sharp recollection that his Mum had likely handled her illness alone with whatever healers could advise her and that thought hurt. His poor Mum, all alone with a fatal illness! All because of Voldemort along with Regulus's own stupid choices. As the familiar misery rose in him at these thoughts, Regulus found himself wondering how much was his own justified self hate and how much was the potion. It had a way of twisting a person's mind in upon itself so that in the end one hardly knew what was true anymore.
"I can ask Griphook about goblin healers if you like," Mag said. "Their curse-breakers are certainly impressive so if their healers are in the same category, that's who you want."
Regulus nodded. "Thank you. That sounds promising."
Dora grinned. "Yes, I would like to see goblins again."
"She went to the bank with us," Regulus explained, unable to suppress an amused smile.
"The bank is brilliant," Mag enthused. "Did you get a look at their gemstones? They have such an amazing array."
"A bit," Dora said, nodding. "I'm sure I could've spent all night there and still not have seen it all, though."
Mag nodded. "For sure. They have floors that go down for miles! They store their own treasures and goblin made items there as well as money and personal treasures for wizards."
"How will the healers use Severus's potion if he is able to replicate the one from the cave," Kreacher asked, bringing the topic back around to the matter at hand. The look of barely masked desperation in the elf's eyes twisted Regulus's stomach. Kreacher hated Regulus's misery. As a result, Regulus felt guilty for being miserable, as he never wished to cause Kreacher distress. Feeling guilty about something that he could not control only served to add to said misery, however, as well as causing Regulus to feel even more the failure. Once he'd believed himself quite the brilliant and accomplished young wizard, yet everything he touched turned to rubbish. And on the heals of such thoughts came the misery once again like an old faithful friend. Though Regulus thought he thoroughly deserved to be miserable, it distressed Kreacher greatly. He knew he should probably understand why, but he didn't.
"We can have healers study it to see if they are able to glean more ideas concerning its effects and why a vampire may not be able to...expel it," Severus replied.
"I'm hoping the healers can get it out of me without you having to create the potion, but if not the more help the better," Regulus said and Severus nodded.
"Understood." He sighed. "While the admitted potions genius in me is fascinated by a challenge, I do find the idea of dabbling in Voldemort's style of dark arts unsettling."
"As you probably should," Regulus assured. "The man was evil and so was anything he made." Dark arts were one thing, and Voldemort was entirely another. While dark arts had their draw and fascination, anything Voldemort related promised to twist your soul up and spit it back out if you were fortunate. The thought made Regulus shudder, and the look of understanding in Severus's eyes didn't exactly help. He forced a smile anyway, though, veteran to veteran.
"I'll write Griphook as soon as we get back to Bulgaria and have him contact you on the matter of a visit to his best healer," Mag told Regulus.
"Thank you," he said, giving her a grateful smile. "I hold myself extremely fortunate to have such good friends. I may not say that enough, but please know that I am aware and I appreciate all of you."
"You say it enough," Severus assured hastily. "Any more so, in fact, and I start feeling uncomfortable."
Regulus grinned. "Good to know, and I'll keep that in mind if I ever feel the need to cause you discomfort."
"Speaking of that," Mag said. "We're still going to jam out, right?"
Regulus nodded. "You, Dora and I can go to the parlor, as that's where the piano is."
"Kreacher and I can remain here among the books where it's nice and cozy," Severus said happily. Kreacher grinned, nodding.
Mag took up the fiddle case that rested beside her chair and rose, large green eyes dancing with excitement. "I'll meet you and Dora in the parlor," Regulus told her. "I need to dash upstairs and grab my guitar." The two women nodded and Dora was leading Mag toward the parlor as Regulus sprinted for the stairs with Mortis on his shoulder. When Regulus made it to the parlor, Dora was showing Mag the notes to a song. Settling down into his favorite armchair, he opened his guitar case, focus already intent on the notes Dora was picking out on the piano.
"It's sort of a unique song," she said shyly. "We'll probably have to play it once just to give you both the feel, then we can play it again to allow you to explore the full emotion of the piece with your instruments after you've learned it a bit." Regulus could feel the eager smile spreading over his face as his heart soared, reaching toward the emotional release that playing music gave him. It was especially thrilling when sharing the magic with other musicians of like mind. To Regulus's surprise, Dora began to sing when she struck the first cords on the piano. He'd never heard her sing before, and her voice was soft and lovely like warm honey. The words didn't match the lulling quality of her voice, though. Instead they jarred him to full awareness, speaking to his worst self deprecating state. It was as if the song saw him, truly validating his suffering as well as any humiliation he'd ever experienced. As he listened, Dora sang of every finger in the room pointing at her, accusing,, pointing out her wrongs. How she wanted to spit in their faces but feared such an act of rebellion would only make their condemnation worse. She sang of how she crucified herself every day...how they all did as they sought salvation, nothing anyone did ever being good enough for themselves or their god. When she sang the line about being an empty cage if she killed the bird, Regulus felt his heart twist, recalling the time Mortis had accused him of killing his own soul when he'd threatened to leave if Regulus did not stop. The song ended with Dora proclaiming that her heart was sick of being in chains. As the notes faded, Mortis leaned his glossy black head on Regulus's cheek. Regulus could feel wetness where the skin of his cheek met the bird's feathers but he couldn't be certain if the tears were his or Mortis's.
When the last piano note faded Mag let out a breath. "Wow! I'm so glad you decided to come play with us...That was amazing! And you're right, I've never heard anything like it!"
Dora smiled. "The singer is a witch named Tori Amos, and the song is called Crucify. I discovered her in a music store in Knockturn alley."
Mag grinned. "I really do need to check out the music stores in Knockturn more frequently. I always head directly for the book shops and get lost there." She chuckled. "Ready to play it again?" Dora nodded and Regulus eagerly ran his fingers over the strings of his guitar. As they sang together, Mag's fiddle wove through the notes of Dora's piano and Regulus's guitar screamed in sympathy for the nails of emotional crucifixion that people drove into their hands and feet daily. Even as the music gave him a much needed release, Regulus knew that Kreacher and Severus would not enjoy this moment in the same way, so it was all well and good that they were reading in the library. Though he hated that there was something he couldn't share with Kreacher, it was necessary all the same. Songs like this weren't downers for Regulus. They were beautiful forms of expressing that which he felt no one else could ever possibly understand until he found a song that had words proving him wrong.