Growing Together

Part 3

Summary: It's finally Sara's turn to explain some things.

A/N: I decided to leave the actual story out, because I think JF and the writers did it so beautifully on the show that everyone has a clear picture.
Also, I should have more time now to write, which means that I will update regularly again. Thanks to Ace and Samantha.

xxxxx

By the time Grissom arrived at her apartment, Sara had been able to pull herself somewhat together. She was still shaken, but at least she had regained control.

However, as she opened the door for Grissom, he could see immediately what he had heard on the phone: Sara looked lost.

His first thought was to hurt Nick for hurting her, but he knew that wouldn't help anyone.

He opened his arms, enveloped Sara in a hug, moving her a bit further into the room, and kicked the door shut behind him. This was not something for prying eyes. "Sara?"

She mumbled something unintelligible and buried herself deeper into his chest.

He let his hands wander over her back up to her neck, rubbing her muscles gently to ease some tension, but Sara did not relax the slightest bit. On the contrary, he could swear the tension was only mounting.

"Let's sit down." He steered her over to the couch and lowered both of them, still holding onto her.

Not knowing what else to do, he waited for her to speak again. When she did, her voice was so soft that he almost didn't hear it. "I don't deserve to be happy."

Sara still had her head buried in his neck, but he was sure he must have misunderstood her. Why would she say that?

"What did you say?"

Finally, she sighed and pushed herself up to be able to look him in the eye. She tried to clear her throat, but her voice was still shaky. "It's not you who will set this up to fail, it's me. I'm not supposed to be happy."

She refused to let the tears that were building up fall. She had to do this for him.

Grissom couldn't understand how she could think something like that. As angry as he was at Nick right now, he couldn't imagine that he would say something like that to her. This had to come from somewhere else. "Sara, that is not true. Why would you think that?"

She pulled back further, not being able to stand having him so close any longer. If she got it all out, his touch would most likely never return anyway. He would not want her anymore. "You will think differently once you know."

Sara stood up, pacing behind the armchair a couple of times before she took a seat a safe distance from Grissom.

"Know what?"

She knew he was confused, but she couldn't help but drag it out. This was not something she wanted to talk about, even though it was necessary. She had known that this weekend couldn't last forever and she hated that it had to end this way.

She couldn't even blame Nick for it. It had to happen sooner or later.

She had tried to prepare herself for it, and yet, she was not prepared at all. "About me. About my life."

Grissom was more alert now. Her odd behavior worried him. The thought of losing her made his heart constrict and his brain pause. He wished she would just get it over with.

"You've told me about yours, and I thought that would make this easier for me, but it doesn't. Do you know that everyone is concerned now that I'm finally happy? Apparently sad, angry, frustrated and depressed is normal for me."

The statement lacked her usual sarcasm and that worried him. Her quiet dejection told him more than he wanted to know; she was slipping away. He had to do something.

He knew she was not in a state to accept any kind of comfort. It had to come from her. He slid closer to her and placed his right hand palm up on his thigh, showing her that he was there if she needed anything.

"I hadn't realized that I have lost 'my smile' or that it had gotten so bad. Only when Nick called me on it did I notice that it had started to take me over."

Sara's eyes were focused on his hand as if it held all the answers. Only it didn't, and the only thing she could do now was search deep inside her to find the answers to her problems. Grissom was just someone to accompany her on her journey, in the best-case scenario.

"My past is catching up with me. I wanted to tell you soon, not like this, but I don't have a choice."

She took a deep breath and wet her lips before she continued. "You were generous when you shared yourself with me."

Her hand folded into his. "I really want to do the same. I'm just afraid you won't want to hear this."

Grissom wanted to object, but a squeeze of his hand stopped him.

"I know you want to hear it, but you might not want to 'hear' it. This is really hard, but I want you to understand why what Nick said is true."

By now, Grissom was scared. He was past worried now; he was scared for Sara. Her introduction did not bode well and his imagination was running wild with all of the possibilities. None of them were particularly likeable.

"There was a time when I didn't smile at all. A couple of years actually. At that time, I didn't think I would ever again. One day just changed everything."

xxxxx

Sara was exhausted.

She had told Grissom.

Grissom had remained silent when she was done, just as she had when he had told her his story. He was waiting for her to make the first move, to indicate that she was ready to enter the world again.

He had taken it hard, as expected; she could see that. His free hand balled into a fist so hard that he would probably have imprints of his nails, his back had gone rigid, his breath had hitched, and his eyes had gone so cold that the whole room felt like it was freezing when the story had hit its peak.

Underneath his calm exterior was a man with incredible passion and force. A hint of that potential was sometimes visible at a particular intense crime scene, showing how deep his feelings ran. Hearing about her past had made him angry; not at her, but at the world and the ones that had done this to her. Usually she automatically reacted to angry men with aggression on the outside and fear on the inside, but she knew this anger would never be directed at her.

Only by reminding herself of that was she able to remain calm and focus on her own feelings again.

She couldn't really say how it made her feel to have told her story. Of course, she was relieved that she had finally told someone. The burden was still there, but maybe some things would get easier. But only if Grissom was ready to accept her as she was. Maybe, over time, she would be able to put it all behind her so she could live her life without thinking about it every day.

Mixed with relief was fear.

Fear that now that she had let it out, she wouldn't be able to close that door again.

Still, there was more to it. Pain at the reality of her memories. A feeling of loss at what had happened. Worry about how things would go on, how it would affect her current life.

All the while, Grissom was silent, trying to work past his own feelings to be able to support her. His anger would not help her at all.

When he had himself under control, he gave her hand a light squeeze and looked up to seek out her eyes.

At first, she refused to lift her eyes from the sight of their joined hands, but when she felt his gaze not wavering for one second, she looked up. What she saw there was not what she had expected. Grissom confirmed the truth of it with words. "Sara, I've never met a stronger person. I know that you're not ready to discuss this further, but let me just tell you this: I admire your strength and ability to live with this. You're so generous and caring, it amazes me every day."

Sara had to swallow the lump in her throat and the tears that just wouldn't stop coming these days.

This was the side of Grissom that she had only gotten glimpses of, the side that had always given her hope. Grissom was really saying these things to her, and although she wasn't so sure about the truth in them, she loved him even more for his faith in her. She could tell he really believed it.

There was still a lot they had to talk about, but for now, she wanted to accept his words.

He was not running away or turning away from her; no, Grissom was sticking with her and wasn't the least bit deterred by the problems that they would be facing.

Sara looked at him, seeing him and his feelings, and suddenly the distance which she had previously needed seemed too much. She needed him right now.

Without thinking about it much more, Sara stood up and bridged the short distance, falling into his embrace. She felt him maneuver her until she was sitting in his lap and he was holding on tight.

This time she did not cry.

The warmth of his body, his breath in her hair and the rhythmic breathing of his heart lulled her into a state of relaxation. The exhaustion was weighing down on her. She closed her eyes, letting go of everything that plagued her mind for the moment, and focused solely on Grissom's presence.

Right before she dropped off into an exhausted sleep, she mumbled, "Love you."

And then she was out like a light.

She did not feel Grissom moving, picking her up and carrying her into the bedroom, nor did she hear him reciprocate her sentiment when he lay down beside her and followed her to sleep.

TBC