Disclaimer: I don't own them or JAG. Please don't sue.

A/N: Okay, this isn't exactly fixing an episode, but it's my view on "The 4 solution". I don't exactly know what happened after it, but I'm taking my own timeline in any case so it shouldn't matter.

It starts off very dark... consider yourself warned. However I always do happy endings so you really have nothing to worry about. Hope you like it.

-------

She felt like a soda bottle that had been shaken. Her emotions were bubbling up inside of her, and if she wasn't careful, she just might explode and make a giant mess of everything.

Stupid fate. Just as she finally managed to get everything under control, when she was finally beginning to feel normal again, it had to throw her in for another loop.

Sarah Mackenzie hated hospitals with all that she was. They made her feel weak, out of control, helpless and dependant. Everything she fought so hard not to be. This last experience, though, was the toughest she'd ever endured. Lying in that bed, knowing she could've died but by some miracle was saved. Then, seeing that undeniable pain in her partner's eyes, she almost wished she had died.

That night, in a confused state, she did manage to apologize for pushing him away. She knew it wasn't enough, could tell he was tired, and not just physically, from the effort their relationship seemed to take these days. It was in his every move.

Not that it changed much of anything. Weeks later, their relationship was rapidly becoming that of acquaintances and nothing more. She had become even more closed to him and whenever she dared look him in the eye she was met with a look so loaded, it would take her breath away. On her good days she'd think it was love and patience, on the dreary ones she'd be sure it was disappointment and regret.

She no longer sat in her living room with the lights out, she'd moved on and now sat on the bed, in her pajamas, knees pressed tight to her chest. She sat like that for long stretches of time, into the small hours of the night, just spinning things around in her head.

Her life had become mere existence. She had a job she once loved and was now performing just because her innate hatred of quitting kept her from marching into the General's office and resigning her commission. She had friends she loved but were now each a reminder of the important things that she hadn't accomplished, the roads not taken. She knew the close people noticed the change in her. The ones that didn't know her would never guess how unhappy she was, but Harm, Harriet and Bud, even little AJ silently adapted. They didn't say much, except for little AJ who one night just stepped into her arms and whispered in her ear "I love you auntie Mac, it'll be okay." It was all she could do not to cry as she hugged him close and tried to believe his honest innocent words.

The grown-ups already knew better than trying to approach her about it. They'd still hint at it once in a while but more often than not it would just drive her faster away, and they learned to accept it. She hated herself for putting them through such a difficult time with her. She wanted to shake herself, she kept telling herself she was really exaggerating and drowning in sorrows for no reason at all. But try as she might, she'd still end up in bed, with her chin resting on her knees and her eyes brimming with unshed tears. She wanted to give up. Just go to sleep and forget everything. Sleep didn't come. Usually after a couple of sleepless nights she'd sleep for a few hours, but it was a sleep brought on by pure exhaustion and it didn't make things better.

Tonight was not different. It was still early but she didn't expect things to change. She wondered if the mind ever shuts down. If it could ever just stop thinking, even for a minute or two. It could be wonderful if there was a switch to turn off the never ending thoughts for a while and just enjoy the peace and quiet. Her thought were starting to drive her crazy. She was never one to just go out and be with people but right now, for the first time in a while, she really wanted to talk to someone. Have a conversation with someone other than her subconscious mind.

She could always call Harriet... but she wasn't sure she had the mental power to deal with the woman's exuberance when she still felt so down. Chloe wasn't a very good idea either.

And then there was Harm. She knew he would listen to her quietly and talk calmly, and basically sooth her aching soul. But she didn't want to disturb him. She had absolutely no right considering the way she's been treating him. He had moved on, had a life that almost didn't include her at all, and it was entirely her fault.

A few tears irritated the skin of her chin and she angrily wiped them away. She took a deep breath and managed to keep the rest at bay. Sitting alone in her bed was bad enough, if she started crying it would get really pathetic. A few more minutes passed, a distant point on the floor holding her interest.

Without even noticing it she found she had gotten out of bed and walked to the living room. Now she was standing in the middle of the room with no real purpose. She needed to do something, to keep herself occupied.

She started cleaning the shower, getting down and scrubbing the space between the tiles. She'd get all the scale out if it was the last thing she did. From the shower she moved to the kitchen. To say she made a mess would be an understatement, but she put everything back in place and even organized things in the chronological order of the expiration date.

Next came the living room, with every surface dusted and every crumb uncovered. Lastly her bedroom was polished spotless, her sheets were changed and her closet had been arranged by a color code.

Feeling physically drained she stood under the warm and steady current of water, letting the stream caress her skin and wash away everything else. With her eyes closed she just let the liquid massage her body. At some point unbeknownst to her, tears joined the small pool at her feet and she was wracking with sobs that shook her to the core.

When finally the wetness on her face ceased being salty, and she could breath steadily, she closed the water. She had no recollection of drying herself or wearing new pajamas, but when she woke up the following morning she felt significantly lighter.

------

So? What did you think? A bit too dark?