TW: Some PTSD triggers for the characters; allusion to slavery and SA on adults; brief depiction of physical violence against a child; brief depiction of a toxic relationship.

Evening, The Hawke Estate

"I've checked everything. He seems fine," Hawke said, frustrated at Anders's bedside. "I don't like this."

"Well, maybe he just needs to sleep it off," Varric said, shrugging uncomfortably.

"This isn't sleep, Varric. This is a coma."

"You think the… uhm…" Varric said softly, scratching his ear, "blood magic did something to his brain?"

"It did something alright," Hawke said unhappily. "But I think this may be his guilt."

"What? He's comatose out of a guilty conscience?" Varric said, scoffing.

"I don't know. Maybe?" Hawke said. "I mean this guy has whined about blood magic for years and now all of a sudden it's Bloodbath City? From all you've told me, it didn't seem like he planned it."

"It was all just… happening," Varric said, coughing. "He was a very happening guy."

"I need to go in," Hawke said, shaking her head.

"In… where?" Varric said, raising an eyebrow.

She flicked Anders's forehead.

"Oh…"

Time 1÷0, The Fade

Hawke woke up in Ferelden, near a village to the north by the looks of it. She saw Anders running away from her, towards the village.

Steady hand… even motion… against the grain… a man's voice came.

A young boy cried and a pig squealed out of nowhere.

Always against the grain, son, the man's voice went on.

As she ran after Anders, the sprawling mass of green and mud kept alternating with a red sky and the village being overtaken by the Blight. There were so many screaming people, so many bodies. Like in…

Hawke couldn't take another step. It was all too hard for her. She called on all her focus and brought Crowley, Ravena and Bucky to her side.

"What's happening?" Bucky said, looking around confused.

"I was in the middle of something!" Ravena said angrily, hiding away a spank paddle.

"Oh, shit, yay!" Crowley said, running towards the Fereldan village. When the scenery changed to the Blight, he ran in a stationary manner, then ran back quietly to the group. "What?"

"We have to help Anders," Hawke said. "We need to find him. But do not reveal our secrets."

"Don't you worry. We're very good at keeping secrets," Crowley said, clearing his throat.

There was a moment of silence.

"You guys made up, then?" Hawke said.

"Ha!" Crowley said, smirking with crossed arms. "She was in the middle of begging me for sex."

"I wasn't begging," Ravena said, looking away. "I was negotiating…"

Crowley looked at Hawke with a proud smile. "And I am loving this."

Ravena grunted.

"Alright, then," Hawke said, laughing. "Now conceal your identities."

So, they did. They maintained their forms, but abandoned detail for chameleonic light. Crowley became purple, Ravena plum red and Bucky turquoise.

They went inside the village, and it was the hardest thing to stay focused amidst the moments when the scenery changed to the Blight. So many sick and dying.

I will always love you, tomcat, a woman's voice kept saying softly.

Hawke closed her eyes, a feeling of intense pain serrating her soul.

No matter what, the woman's voice echoed.

"It's all in the past," Bucky said, touching her shoulder. "You are safe now."

"Yeah… I'm safe…" Hawke said with lifeless eyes. "I always survive, and I keep losing people."

"Look how many people you haven't lost," Bucky said.

Hawke sighed, and her eyes returned to the path ahead. "True enough."

In a house that alternated between quaint Fereldan décor and avant-garde, walls-are-overrated Blight, a demon waited for them.

"Identify yourself," Hawke said.

"I am Pang," the demon said in a sweet, cold voice. They had frosty eyes hidden in dark, torn rags. "I do not wish you harm."

"What is your purpose here, Despair?" Ravena said, crossing her arms.

"I wish to give the boy hope," Pang said.

Crowley blinked. "Ya what…?"

"I am fighting all my natural instincts," Pang said. Cold, heavy breath of ice. "I am too old now. I do not wish to become a pile of dust and dementia, and I will not attack those stronger than me in a silly suicide attempt like I'm the irony of the century. I wish to ascend."

"So, just to be clear, you're not offering any deals?" Hawke said.

Another cold vapour escaped them. "No," Pang said. "The mayor's house is your target. You will find the boy that way."

"Thanks," Hawke said. They went in the mayor's house, and looked around. It was keeping steady at no-Blight o'clock.

Inside there was nothing of significance, save for two things on a table. An article called Patriotism Stronger Than Blood, recounting the election of the new mayor of Crestwood, Gregory Dedrick, 9:13 Dragon.

There was also a silly kid's drawing, of a man and a woman and a child holding hands with the heading: Mummy + Daddy + Me. As soon as Hawke touched it, voices came in the house:

Please! No! I'll be good! I'll cut the pig next time, daddy. I promise! a young boy's voice echoed.

It's the law, my boy. You are a mage now. I can't protect you, his father said.

Mummy, please! Don't leave me! young Anders cried.

I'm sorry, tomcat... Be a good boy and go with the Templars. They'll take care of you, his mother said.

The light kept getting swallowed… all around the house.

I don't want to go with them! I want to stay here with you! young Anders cried.

Take this. Please, Sers, let him have it… I will always love you, tomcat, his mother said in tears. No matter what.

Mummy! No! Please! No! young Anders cried with all his being.

Suddenly the house shook, as if a giant was walking nearby. They saw a Templar in the distance, as tall as a titan, thud, thud, thudding, leaving the village as the sky grew red. Then the most unsettling growl came from nowhere, quaking the ground even more.

Why have you come? Gregory's voice echoed angrily. There is nothing for you here!

You haven't seen me since I was little, Anders's voice came. I expected a warmer welcome. Where's Mummy?

She's gone, son, Gregory said. The Blight took her.

No… Anders said, his voice breaking.

You are an apostate now? Gregory said disapprovingly. Do you have any idea the trouble you are in?

You… you don't give a shit about me, do you? Anders said, scoffing in disbelief.

I give a shit about everyone! Gregory said sharply. And we're dying! I can't give you a life here!

No, duh, Anders said. I wasn't expecting to dine with the darkspawn. Let's leave this place. I just need to find my phylactery in Amaranthine, and I'll be a free man.

If you don't want to help… then go, Gregory said coldly.

Fine, Anders said curtly.

Before Hawke knew it, they were all hit in the face with a giant flood.

Time 1÷0, Broken Circle

Hawke woke up in a mass of scrolls and fallen bookcases. It looked like a Circle of Magi; perhaps the one in Ferelden? She saw Anders running and climbing things away from them, but he never seemed to actually notice they existed. Where was he running to?

They walked for what felt like hours amidst a maze of scroll stacks as tall as buildings, amidst giant bookcases and wooden drawers. A clusterfuck of a labyrinth that defied physical law.

Steady hand… graceful motion… concentrate… a stern woman's voice came.

Hawke used spirit magic to take a bookcase case down in order to use it as a ramp. When they went up a level, in a cave of scrolls, the stern woman's voice came suddenly:

Resist! You must resist!

It was coming from a painting on a wall. She was perhaps in her fifties, a fair-haired glowering lady with blue eyes and a reddish robe.

If you do not take this seriously, this is what shall become of you! she said, making way for a Tranquil. Now do as I say!

You're being too hard! young Anders said, from his perspective. I need a break!

There are no breaks for demons, boy, she said, looking down at him with crossed arms. She did a hex on him that caused him pain and brought demons in his eyes. Steady your mind. Control your emotions! her voice resounded.

Hawke couldn't help but hate her. She sounded like her dad when his temper got the better of him. Except for this lady it seemed to be a steady personality trait.

The painting said Senior Enchanter Wynne at the bottom.

"Well…" Hawke said. "What. A. Bitch."

Nothing like the loveable grandmother the books painted her as.

"Hello?" Pang's voice came from behind them. They were inside a mirror. "I need help."

Hawke laughed. "Did you stare too intently in the mirror?"

"I… tried to take a shortcut," Pang said, looking embarrassed. They knocked on the mirror with their claw. "It did not go well."

"Alright," Hawke said, laughing. She approached the mirror.

"Wow, Hawke. You need to start using eye cream," Ravena teased her.

Hawke took her jaw and turned it from side to side, pretending Pang was her reflection. "Yep… some military-grade eye cream."

Pang blurred the mirror with their icy breath. They were not impressed. Hawke put her hand through the mirror, and helped Pang on this side.

The ground shook again, papers flying everywhere, and the giant Templar walked amongst the maze, under the red sky.

"So… I don't want to run into that guy…" Crowley said, scratching his head.

"No," Pang said.

"We may have to," Hawke said. "Is everyone good? Bucky?"

"I'm… fine," Bucky said tensely, looking down. "It's just… a lot."

"I have your back," Ravena said, touching their shoulder.

Hawke and Crowley smiled.

They went in further, and there was a painting of a Templar named Rolan.

Unruly boy… he said sneeringly, beating Anders down to the ground from his perspective. See how hard you make it for yourself when you don't do as you're told?

"Great…" Hawke said sarcastically.

They walked further inside the corridor, and there was a painting of a young Karl in a lotus position, tending to Anders's head wound from his perspective.

It's okay… young Karl said. It's not your fault.

I just forgot my badge. I wasn't sneaking out! young Anders said.

I know, young Karl said. He hugged him as young Anders cried on his shoulder. It's alright…

Don't ever leave me, Karl, young Anders said softly.

Hah! young Karl said with a smile, coming out of the hug and leaning back on his arms. Where would I go? He came back and ruffled Anders's hair. You're stuck with me, cat boy.

Young Anders laughed shyly.

"This is so depressing," Hawke said, sighing heavily.

"If that's depressing, then I weep for what may become of you next," Pang said sarcastically.

"Can you weep?" Hawke said with a smile.

"I… shed icicles," Pang said in a little voice. Something like a smirk inside their hood. "They're sharp."

"Nice," Ravena said.

Next came… a plank to walk on, towards more nonsense bookcase physics. When Hawke reached the middle, the ground shook and a bestial growl came nearby. When she looked down, a monster ducked under the plank and ran like hell. It had the skull of a goat and a Chantry symbol on its head.

"Hawke, watch out! She's coming!" Crowley shouted.

To her right, a giant Wynne ran after the beast, destroying the plank with it. Hawke jumped across, while the rest willed another bookcase down as a bridge.

"What was that?!" Hawke said with big eyes.

"Vengeance," Crowley said.

"Shit," Hawke said, looking down.

A dark path lay ahead. It was pitch-black, only a few candles in the distance. In the deafening silence, Hawke approached the candles. There was a silly drawing of Karl and Anders holding hands, and the heading read: K + A

A light immediately came atop an adult Karl in the distance. His back was turned as he walked. Hawke followed him.

Why do you keep ignoring me? Anders's voice came from nowhere.

"They're transferring me to Kirkwall," Karl said coldly.

Why? Because of that stupid drawing? Anders said angrily.

"What did you think was going to happen?" Karl said flatly.

I just… I didn't think anyone would really care. It was just a funny drawing, Anders said.

"Well, turns out they care," Karl said. "Why did you keep it?"

I… Anders stammered. I couldn't toss it.

Karl walked on with no response.

I'm sorry, Karl, I never… Anders said softly.

"I know," Karl said coolly.

Let's go to our secret place, Anders said. I don't want to waste another minute without you.

"It's over, Anders," Karl said flatly, stopping in his walk.

"Shit…" Hawke said behind him.

When Karl turned around, he was Tranquil. "The Templars have come to take you back to the Circle," he said indifferently, growing bigger, coming closer, white light coming out of his eyes and mouth, phasing through them all.

Darkness was replaced by a quick, boiling red shock.

NO! Anders's voice roared in their ears.

The redness morphed back into a Circle corridor. At the end of it, the creature of Vengeance crawled out from behind a corner, and growled loudly as they ran towards Hawke.

"Shit, not good. Not good!" Hawke said, using spirit magic to move the wall on her left in front of them. Vengeance crashed into it with all their anger, but couldn't come through.

"Justice, this isn't you!" Hawke shouted. "You've lost your way!"

"Shut up!" Vengeance growled.

"I can help you," Hawke insisted. "Please, let's just talk."

Vengeance laughed a deep, throaty laugh. "Why am I not surpri—"

Suddenly, the giant Templar walked nearby, as they saw through the massive hole in the wall. Vengeance got distracted and ran after him.

Time 1÷0, Vigil's Keep

After another rude, plank-destroying encounter with the three chasing titans, Pang led them into Warden territory.

The outside of the fortress was crawling with darkspawn, and they fought them for what felt like hours.

"I can't take this much longer," Hawke said, squatting and holding her head.

"Wait," Bucky said, taking her hand. They took her to a little altar with candles. "Pray."

"Uhm, thanks, but no thanks," Hawke said.

"Not to the Maker. Just… pray," Bucky said.

"Alright…" Hawke said. She put her hands together, closed her eyes—opened one eye as if to ask if she was doing it right—then talked to herself. But she did it the other way around. Instead of asking for help from a higher power, she felt herself the higher power and calmed down the little girl inside. Told her things were terrible, but she was there for her, that she was holding her hand through this, that they would give it their all together, and that tomorrow was another day.

"Now touch the candle," Bucky said.

Hawke grasped the central candle and a soft light wrapped around her. She was back to full health and mana.

"Thanks, Bucky," she said with a smile. "That's a useful trick."

In the darkness and rain, they got to the middle of the stairs leading to the Warden fortress. There was an imposing statue of the Hero of Ferelden, a short long-haired elven woman in Warden armour holding a sword up high. At the bottom it read, Remi Tabris, Hero of Ferelden, Slayer of Urthemiel, Survivor of the Fifth Blight, Commander of the Grey, Permanently Tired.

It was very… romantic. Hawke lost track of what she was doing.

"An example of elven excellence," Crowley said with crossed arms.

"And then some," Hawke said. "I heard the Alienage in Denerim has been dismantled because of her."

"That's not necessarily a good thing," Crowley said, scratching his head. "It was their home. It was their culture."

"True enough," Hawke said. She had no time to analyse that right now.

There was a crumbled piece of paper on the base. When Hawke opened it up, it read in huge letters, The Right of Conscription.

This boy has fled from us a thousand times! He is a huge risk! a man's voice came.

I've seen your Circle, Templar. I'm not surprised he ran, the Tabris statue suddenly said in a deep, imposing voice.

Ahem… another, more candid man's voice came. There's something you may be able to do here, Remi…

I was getting to that, Alistair, Tabris said sharply. I am invoking the Right of Conscription on this boy. You have no more claim to him. Leave.

You can't just swoop in and take him! the Templar said.

I can't? Tabris said, laughing. Watch me…

"Man, she sounds scary," Hawke said, rubbing her forehead. "And King Alistair sounds much whinier than I imagined."

Ravena scoffed. "Total sub."

"Like that's a bad thing?" Crowley said as they walked inside the fortress.

"There are no bad things," Ravena said with a smirk. "Only bad boys."

Crowley scoffed. "Nice try, thirsty girl."

"Shut up," Ravena said sharply.

"I am so glad I don't have to go through this sexual headache," Bucky said, smiling in amusement.

"Aren't you banned from Murmur's house?" Ravena said with half-lidded eyes.

"And from my kitchen," Crowley added. "No more garlic bread for you."

Bucky pursed their lips.

"A headache's a headache," Ravena said, patting them on the back.

"Yep…" Bucky said defeatedly.

"Shut up, I found something," Hawke said, inspecting all the chairs. There was a lyrium talisman hanging from one of them, and as soon as she touched it, the lyrium spread out and assumed the ethereal form of Anders and a warrior.

Jeez, Justice. I can smell you from the third floor, Anders said, holding his nose.

I do not have this ability, Justice said. The man I inhabit is dead.

You should upgrade, Anders said. It's very… oppressive.

That's not very fair to those with noses, is it? Justice said.

Do you talk about anything other than what's 'fair'? Anders said. There are so many more interesting subjects. Like cats. Do you like cats?

I have no opinion on cats, Justice said, crossing his arms. The question is—why do you never want to talk of justice? The Templars have ambushed us three times already trying to re-capture you. The Warden-Commander speaks frequently about the plight of mages, even as she is not one of them. Why doesn't it interest you?

There's this concept called 'happiness', Anders said condescendingly. Have you heard of it before?

Justice isn't happy, Justice said. Justice is hard.

Mmm, justice doesn't get me hard, Anders said flippantly. I'm more of a cat ears and an Orlesian maid's outfit kind of guy.

What? Justice said flatly.

I haven't had much pleasure in the Circle, Anders said. You could say I'm a hedonist.

Doesn't that seem unfair to you? Justice said.

Anders sighed. Uldred banged on and on about justice, and what good did that do any mage? It's all just a recipe for disaster.

If every mage has your attitude, then no wonder they control you so easily, Justice said.

Ha! Anders guffawed. If every mage had my attitude, we'd all be singing Tevinter prayers in the morning and having orgies in the evening!

The ethereal forms dispersed.

"Wow," Hawke said, watching the lyrium fly away. "He was such a little shit. Like… way more than usual. Justice really changed him."

"At what cost?" Crowley said.

"The absence of happiness," Pang said with a cold breath. "…or hope."

"It was a rhetorical question, Pang."

"I wipe my bottom with your rhetoric, Pride."

"Oof. Someone's testy."

They went to the third floor, as per Anders's earlier comment. They found his bed which had a kitty collar on it. Hawke touched it.

The lyrium from before came back suddenly and made the form of Tabris and Anders with a cat, sitting at the edge of the bed.

I see you two are getting close, Tabris said. What was his name again?

Jeff, Anders said.

Tabris scoffed. Jeff?

No, Rem-Rem. It's Ser-Pounce-a-Lot, Anders said.

Stop calling me that. I am your fucking Commander, Tabris threatened.

Kay, Rems, Anders said.

Tabris sighed.

Thank you… Anders said.

It's fine, Tabris said.

No… I mean it… Anders said softly. You've done so much for me. I only know one other person who's ever been nice to me. I hope you know I look up to you, even if I don't know how to show it.

You're not that bad, Tabris said tiredly, touching his shoulder. Extremely irritating at times, but not that bad.

There was a kissing sound.

What are you doing? Tabris said angrily. I'm married.

Some husband. He's barely around! Anders said. I'm here all the time. I know you feel something, too.

This is… highly inappropriate, Tabris said, standing up and leaving. I think we should keep a little distance from each other from now on.

Fucking— Anders scolded himself. Why did you do that, you incredible bonehead?

"Yikes," Hawke said to the others. "Is that the real reason he left the Wardens?"

"No," Pang said, pointing to a discarded boot. "That's why."

When Hawke touched the boot, the lyrium flew in again and showed Anders's form throwing the boot into a wall as Justice stood in the doorway.

It's good you're a mage. You have terrible aim, Justice said.

I wasn't aiming for you, Anders said. Yet…

I came to say the Commander and I have failed, Justice said. I cannot return to the Fade. My existence as a corpse is oppressive and lowering morale. I think the fair thing to do is leave. Go somewhere in the Wilds, maybe, where I could harm no one.

What? Anders said anxiously. You can't leave. Your bloody stinky corpse is all I've got now!

You have the Commander, Justice said.

Anders scoffed. Do I? I can't remember the last time she required my presence.

That sounds like a punishment, Justice said with crossed arms. What have you done?

Not important, Anders said quickly. Look, I'm tired of losing people. I… You may be a sanctimonious, smelly spirit, but you're my sanctimonious, smelly spirit. What if you just… moved in with me?

I will pass on that. I like Dormitory B, Justice said. Although the former Templar is getting on my nerves.

No, dumbass. I meant— wait… Anders said. What former Templar?

Ser Rolan, Justice said. He took the joining three days ago.

Ah, fuck me sideways! Anders snapped.

Pass, Justice said.

Look… what if we merged? Anders said. You wouldn't have to live on as a corpse and cower in the swamps, and I won't have to peel my own face off trying to work with that son of a bitch.

Who? Ser Rolan? Justice said.

I know him. From back when I was in the Circle, Anders said. He's a cruel man.

Did he hurt you? Justice demanded.

Sure. When he had a bad day, Anders said. He'd take it out on us. He'd go to town.

Well… a living body would be a nice change… Justice said, chin in hand.

The forms dispersed.

"Oh…" Hawke said, pursing her lips. "He merged with Justice out of loneliness."

"What better reason is there?" Pang said, almost smiling.

"I don't know… literally anything else?" Hawke said, sighing. "This is all just very sad."

"Wouldn't you have done the same thing in his place?" Pang asked.

"Well…" Hawke said, scratching her head nervously. "I've… never had to think about it. I've always had… people."

Time 1÷0, The Love Corridor

They saw Anders again running away erratically, and they went after him. Three physics-defying staircases later, they chased him down an overgrown corridor.

The walls were tapestried with beautiful roses, a hall of thorns. Long, dark grey, merciless thorns creeping down into gates that kept opening and closing. Anders ran straight through them with no thought or plan, leaving a trail of blood behind.

The team rushed through them before they closed, but Ravena got caught inside.

"No!" Crowley yelled, coming back for her. He pulled on them, he used spirit magic, but nothing worked.

"This is fucked up!" Ravena shouted.

"Stop resisting," Bucky said.

"Don't you fucking say that to me again!" Ravena growled.

"Shut up, Bucky!" Crowley said. He held Ravena's hand. "It's going to be okay, Ravi. We'll get you out."

"It's alright," Hawke said, gesticulating. "Breathe."

"Fuck you!" Ravena shouted.

"I think what Bucky is trying to say… in the worst possible way…" Hawke said, giving them a disapproving stare, "is if you stay still and accept the pain, they might set you free."

"Why the fuck would that work?" Ravena said aggressively.

"Because this is a corridor of pain," Pang said. "Do you not feel it?"

"I fucking feel it," Ravena said. She thrashed and yelled and grew horns. "I don't want to feel this!"

"Hawke, please do something," Crowley said pleadingly. "We've worked so hard. I can't…" he stammered, brushing up his bangs.

"Ravena, look at me," Hawke said, approaching her. She took her other hand. "It's all in the past. You're not that person anymore. You're a survivor. The only way out is through."

Ravena's face, for the first time she could remember, just broke down into painful weeping. She looked defeated.

"You can do this, Ravi," Crowley said. "I believe in you. You're so much stronger than you think. You're a queen of pain. This is your moment. You were made for it," he said, staring into her eyes.

"You fucking idiot. You think I'm a queen of pain because I'm good with it?" Ravena said, her skin and eyes becoming purple. "With-with being controlled? With being stuck?!"

"You've studied it. Mastered it," Crowley insisted. "Take control."

"By letting go," Bucky said.

"Feel his pain," Hawke said softly. Ravena kept shaking her head and crying. "Come on, Ravena, we've got you. We're here with you."

"Fine!" Ravena growled. She looked up, and breathed in. Her eyes closed and she started crying. Her voice became similar to Anders's. "Why… why does everyone leave me?"

They watched and waited.

"I'm caring and loving. I'm not a bad guy," Ravena said, her eyes splashing out red light. "I'm a fucking nice guy!"

"Stop this," Crowley said suddenly. "This isn't good for—"

"I tried to help him," Ravena said in her own voice, her head falling down. "I tried to find him purpose. His father kept abusing him. His mother didn't protect him. He ran away, swore he'd be better than his father. He thought he was a real nice guy, but no one would love him. So he summoned and bound me…"

The thorns released her and she fell on her knees, hugging herself. Crowley came down and wrapped his arms around her tightly, rocking her from side to side.

"This isn't about our boy anymore, is it?" Pang said, confused.

"No…" Crowley said.

"Despair did him in," Pang said. "Then it did you in… Desire."

"He was weak!" Ravena growled. "He gave in!"

"He was," Bucky said. "He chose a dark path, and he took you down with him."

"Because he was 'lonely'!" Ravena said angrily. "What a fucking excuse!"

"There are no excuses. Only motivations," Bucky said. "If you wish to be better than him, then you must forgive."

"Never!" Ravena shouted aggressively.

"Whoa, whoa," Hawke said, laughing nervously. "We're not gonna start forgiving slavers and rapists. What's next? Are we gonna start forgiving child molesters too?"

"You're too mortal to understand," Pang said.

Well, Ravena was too mortal for that shit too. But Hawke wasn't going to reveal her secrets.

"It's up to Ravena what she wants to do," Hawke said, squatting down and touching her shoulder. "This isn't the time."

"Agreed," Ravena said.

"Do you want to go back to Dreamwalk Village?" Hawke said softly.

"I think that's a good idea," Crowley said.

"No," Ravena said, standing up suddenly and dusting herself off. "We have a mission. We are seeing it through."

"But—" Crowley said.

"No buts," Ravena insisted. "What am I going to do there by my lonesome anyway?"

"I'll come with—"

"Stop it, Crowley," Ravena said softly. She started walking. "I know you care for me. Thank you."

"Uhm, you're… welcome?" Crowley said unsurely.

"Let's find this 'nice guy' before it's too late," Ravena said to Hawke.

They went further in the corridor, passing windows with scenes playing out of people Anders cared for.

Love! Fenris's voice growled from afar, followed by a hitting sound.

"What the fuck?" Hawke said.

A lot of the windows were of Karl, some were of Tabris, some were of Hawke. One of the later windows played out a recent argument Hawke and Anders had, where she told him how she thought mage liberation could work in the waking world. Anders snapped at her and said she wanted regulation, not liberation. He accused her of getting brainwashed by Fenris, and she insisted she listened to both of their stories enough to know neither extreme looked good.

Love! Fenris's voice growled loudly again.

The agitated running Anders reached the end of the corridor, glued to a window on his right.

"Anders!" Hawke shouted.

But Anders couldn't see or hear them. His eyes were stuck to the window, anxious and trembling.

"Hawke… you may want to look up…" Crowley said.

"What?" Hawke said, looking in the window. "Oh…"

It was an impression of Hawke's bedroom, the fireplace on the right, and the bed right under the window, as if they were staring through the wall where the headboard was at.

A 'Fenris' was on top of a 'Hawke' on the bed, in his black spiky armour, flogging her chest and roaring, Love!

"Stop it! You're hurting her!" Anders shouted at the window.

Fenris didn't hear him. He loomed over the Hawke in bed, petting her hair, and whispering in her left ear, "I love you… I love your mum… I love your dog… I love your culture… but more than anything…" he said, his lips coming to her right ear, "I love the fact that you are dumb enough to think you can change me."

The real Hawke's eyebrow was reaching the heavens.

Fenris moved back to her left ear. "I will say all the right things," he said, moving to her other ear, "and you will eat it up and let me finger you."

Ravena scoffed. "'Finger you'?"

"FINGER YOU!" Fenris roared abruptly in a demonic voice, looking up at them all. His eyes were red and he had four big fangs.

"Holy fuck! What are you like?" Hawke said to Anders. But he didn't hear it.

"Snap out of it, Hawke!" Anders shouted at the window.

"You snap out of it!" Hawke said, offended.

"Damn, Hawke," Crowley teased her, crossing his arms. "You're really into demons."

"What?" Hawke said, doubly offended.

"So I take it this isn't an accurate depiction of your relationship?" Ravena said, her face an entertainment.

"Is that a… horse crop in his hand now?" Pang asked in confusion.

"Fuck no!" Hawke said, very insulted. "The depiction, not the horse crop. That actually does look like a horse crop in his hand." She looked up at the unsettling face of the demonic Fenris. "This metaphor is fucked up."

"It's you who needs changing," demonic Fenris said, putting the horse crop under her chin. He had a deranged grin on his face. "You will learn to be my perfect little mage."

"Ew," Hawke said, crossing her arms.

"Stop it!" Anders shouted. "Just stop all this hate!"

"No," demonic Fenris said, his markings lighting up as he started hitting her repeatedly with the crop. "I will stop beating this dead horse," he said, his hand going inside her chest, "when it stops spitting out blood mages!" He took her heart out and held it high above him. The blood dripped on his face, over his fangs, into his mouth.

"No!" Anders shouted, and ran like hell.

Demonic Fenris looked straight at the real Hawke. He winked at her as he licked his bloody, grinning fangs.

Hawke face-palmed… for a long time.

Time 1÷0, Wasteland of Reality

Through the next doors lay a red sky again and a dark urban wasteland of skulls. Some had the Circle of Magi symbol on them, while others had the Tranquil brand.

It looked like the Gallows, had it been endless and made entirely out of death. People's screams and cries echoed throughout the land, dialogues playing out of Templars' abuses. Walls were adorned with faces of the dead.

Wynne lay on the ground, also very much dead.

"This is a bit much," Crowley said, scratching his head.

"This is sad," Hawke said, sighing.

"This is awesome!" Ravena said with a wide smile.

"Is it? Is it awesome?" Crowley said snarkily. "Or do you just like the aesthetic?"

Ravena opened her mouth slightly, but nothing came out. "Shut up," she said softly, walking past him.

The fortress shook as the Templar titan patrolled the yard.

"Come on," Hawke said, climbing up the dead faces. "We need to stay elevated."

"Hello?" a skull said to her suddenly. She screamed before she was about to touch it.

"Hi?" Hawke said.

"I can't remember…" the skull said. It sounded like Anders's mother. "…I can't remember where I put my face."

"What?" Hawke said, confused.

"We must find her face," Bucky said. "She is suffering."

"Maker, all these people…" Hawke said, looking around the tapestry of the dead. "They didn't just die. Their souls were ripped apart."

"We must help them all!" Bucky said.

"No," Pang said. "Help his mother. She is the key."

They got up on the roof and down below, in the inner courtyard, Vengeance fought with the Templar, ripping into him with his claws, slamming him into the building and taking a part of the roof with it.

"I've had enough of this one," Hawke said, holding out her palm. She tried to absorb Vengeance into her head, but all that did was imbalance him. The Templar took control and bashed Vengeance with his shield, throwing him in the next building.

"It's too late for that, human," Pang said. "This spirit is part of him now."

"No, but I read in a book the other day that the Avaar and Rivaini seers merge with spirits all the time. They can leave," Hawke said.

"This is not a spirit anymore," Crowley said. "This is a demon. Demons never want to leave."

"Demons can change," Hawke said.

"Well," Pang said, shrugging. "Here's hoping."

Hawke sighed heavily as she watched Vengeance and the Templar fight an endless battle.

"You know what…?" she said, narrowing her eyes. She raised her hands. "I think I've had enough of both you." She collapsed the tower of skulls over them both.

She went down in the rubble, and walked over them into the next building.

This one was the mage dormitories. Bucky looked around for Karl's bed, and found a mask next to his pillow, the face of Anders's mother.

"Score," Hawke said, taking the mask.

"I sense a deeper meaning here," Ravena said.

"You think everyone has mummy issues," Hawke said, rolling her eyes.

Ravena scoffed. "And tell me… how many mortals get to have loving parents and a good childhood?"

"His mother brought him comfort," Bucky said. "You, Karl, the Warden, even Justice, brought him comfort too. You protected him where she failed."

Hawke was filled with sadness. "Let's go," she said.

They climbed back down in the yard and got to Anders's mother. Hawke returned her face to her.

"Thank you," she said. Out of nowhere, a light blue pillow came in Hawke's hand. It had a cute embroidery of a sleepy cat.

"What is your name?" Pang asked.

"I don't remember…." she said. "Clara… I think."

Pang put their claw up to her face. "I release you now, Clara."

The skull became a swarm of fireflies and they flew away into the night.

"Good on you, Pang," Bucky said.

"How did you know how to do that?" Hawke asked.

Pang looked at their claw. "I'm… not sure."

"But where do we go now?" Crowley said.

"I'm… not sure of that either," Pang said.

"I know," Bucky said, looking up. "I sense the suffering boy, who needs his pillow."

Time 1÷0, The Place of Solitude

They went up and up into the solitary confinement units. Bucky couldn't tell which door it was anymore, because the suffering here was too loud for them. They passed dozens of cells, and saw horrible things—prisoner mages talking to themselves, banging their head against a wall or downright killing themselves.

"Ah," Pang said, breathing in. "This is my Satinalia house."

"I thought you wanted to bring hope," Hawke said.

"I am," Pang said, holding Anders's pillow. "To one mortal soul. Bringing hope to an entire fortress feels like skipping a few steps."

"True enough," Hawke said, shrugging.

Finally, they found the despairing Anders locked up in a cell, curled up in a corner. He was just a child.

Hawke's throat trembled, but she put her strength into it and opened the bars.

"You're here!" young Anders said, standing up. "Wait… no… who are you?"

"You've lost this, child," Pang said, giving him his mother's pillow.

"Don't worry, child," Hawke said. "You're safe. We can leave now."

"Thank you… so much!" young Anders said, hugging the pillow. "But-but the monster… it won't let us leave."

"Don't worry about the monster," Hawke said, squatting down at his eye level. "I will deal with him."

The prison bars suddenly closed behind her, and the ground shook. The Vengeance titan crawled up and held onto the balustrade.

"Anders!" Hawke shouted. "Please show yourself! Look what you've become! It's not you!"

"What do you seek to accomplish here, Hawke?" Vengeance said. "Find my guilty conscience? Find the hurt child within, as if you could protect him? Do not fool yourself, Middle Ground Hawke. Your kind is why there are hurt children like him all over Thedas!"

"So this is about me?" Hawke said with a sneer. "You don't agree with my politics, so you turned into a demon?"

"I am no demon!" Vengeance roared.

"You clearly are," Crowley said, crossing his arms. "Take it from us, buddy. We used to be demons."

"Yeah…" Ravena said, looking away. "I'm definitely not like that guy."

"But that does not mean it is the end," Bucky said. "You can heal. You can become Justice again. You are not Justice now. You are Vengeance. You see nothing but hurt, and you want to avenge it. Rightfully so, but it is not the way of a spirit." They shrugged, shaking their head. "It simply isn't."

"Shut up, blue prig," Vengeance said. "You are no spirits."

"We're more spirit than you," Crowley said. "We want to help you. That's why we're here. Let the boy go."

"Please," Hawke said.

"Please?" Vengeance said, laughing a low guttural laugh. "What good has pleading done us, Middle Ground Hawke?"

"I know you don't like me, but this is bigger than you," Hawke said. "This is about all mages, all of us. You are no symbol of freedom anymore. Look around you. Is this freedom to you?"

"It is the consequence of Chantry ignorance and neglect. An incredible failure!" Vengeance said.

"And how are we to set an example as free mages if you're being like this? Possessing Anders, using blood magic, trying to murder children? You're exactly what gives us a bad name!" Hawke said angrily. "That is not the deal you made with him. He took you in, you vowed to co-exist inside this body peacefully, and your mission is to help and protect mages. Did you help and protect Ella?"

"It is as much my body as it is his!" Vengeance growled.

"Do you hear yourself?" Hawke said. "Spirits don't want bodies. They inhabit them peacefully, from the back, at a distance. Demons want to take over bodies."

"Sometimes I have to take over, for his own good," Vengeance said.

"Anders knows what's good for him," Hawke insisted, her index finger pointing down. "Anders is a survivor, a healer, a friend and he has love in his heart for people. I believe in him. You should too."

"Don't think you're that significant, Middle Ground Hawke," Vengeance said, laughing.

"I saw how you view me and Fenris," Hawke said. "This is also about that, isn't it? I'm but another person who didn't return your feelings and you think Fenris has corrupted me."

"There is no time for feelings!" Vengeance growled "The end times are nigh, human, and you must choose a side!"

"No!" Anders's adult voice came suddenly. He ran to their cell, opening the prison door. He closed it before Vengeance could grasp him.

"Anders, you have to comfort this child. You're the only one who can really do it," Hawke said, looking around. "Where did he go?"

"There is no child," Vengeance said. "There is only me."

"That isn't me!" the child shouted. He was hiding in a dark corner, hugging the pillow. "That's a monster! It's not me!"

"You ungrateful little—" Vengeance started.

"Stop!" Anders shouted at Vengeance.

"Here he is," Hawke said, touching the child's shoulder. "He needs love. He needs comfort. You can't abandon him like this. You're the only one who can give him what he needs."

"I can't," Anders said, his fingers grasping at his hairs. "I-I'm not… I don't know how."

"Of course you do," Hawke said. "It's the same thing your mother, Karl, Tabris and I did for you. It's the same thing you gave me when I was sad. It's the same thing you wanted to give Karl when he finally wrote you back and you learned how bad it was in Kirkwall. You showed up. That's what you did. You have to show up for yourself."

"It's not the same!" Anders said.

"We all have a child within us, hurt and wounded and in need of comfort," Hawke said. "If you don't show up for yourself, they keep hurting. Justice can't take it. He wants to protect this child, but he's not equipped for it. He locked him up to protect him from the hurt. Does that seem fair to you?"

"N-no," Anders said, turning around. He walked towards Vengeance, thinking. "It's all becoming too real now… every trauma... every time…" he said, his voice breaking. "I didn't… I used to push it all down. Now it all just comes back up to the surface, and he can't take it…" he said, shaking his head. He buried his face in his hands. "This is all my fault."

Hawke gave a small shrug, sadness trembling in her eyes. "You didn't know any better."

"I did know better," Anders said tersely. His face came out of his hands. "It's too late now."

"To separate? Perhaps," Hawke said. "But it's not too late to be there for this child, and take control of your pain."

"What do I do?" Anders said, coming back to her.

"Don't think," Hawke said. "Just talk to him."

So, he did. Anders came down and talked to the child, touched his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I left you in here," Anders said. "It wasn't right."

"No, it wasn't," the child said.

"What did you need from me, that I didn't give you?" Anders said.

"I just… wanted to play," the child said. "I just wanted to stop being sad."

"Yeah…" Anders said, looking around. "This isn't very fun, is it?"

"Why did you leave me here?" the child asked.

"I didn't… I…" Anders said, looking down. "I forgot…"

"Don't we all…" Pang said behind them.

Only it wasn't exactly Pang anymore. It was a yellow being of light with a giant mane of pink, yellow and blue feathers around their collar. Like a multi-coloured sunflower with arms and legs. Their eyelashes were light blue feathers.

"Hi… Hope?" Hawke said unsurely.

"Rainbow," they said. "That is my name now."

"Ah, makes sense," Hawke said. "How… does it feel?"

Rainbow closed their eyes and breathed in with a smile. "I… am unburdened."

Anders scoffed. "Lucky you." But that upset the young one.

"Don't despair, boy. You're making the child cry," Rainbow said, squatting down in front of them. "Go on. Hug him."

Anders looked at the bleating child as if he were some sort of bomb.

"Everyone needs a hug," Bucky said from behind.

"Especially a child," Hawke said, inhaling bitterly. "They don't know how to soothe their emotions. When he gets upset, this entire realm suffers, and Justice needs to put someone's head on a pike."

"Then it all goes downhill from there…" Crowley said.

"You vowed to help and protect mages," Bucky said. "That starts and ends with you," they said, pointing at the child.

"Who… are you all?" Anders said, squinting.

"They're spirits," Hawke said. "They all want to help you."

"You're the only one who doesn't," Ravena said, crossing her arms.

Anders looked at the child, sorrow building on his face. He opened his arms and hugged him tightly.

Hawke looked at the creature of Vengeance. He was silent as he watched.

Anders continued embracing and rocking the child. He looked so small in his arms.

"It's okay…" Anders said softly. "It's going to be okay."

"It will," Rainbow said. "As long as you show up for him."

"Whenever your heart swells, you must comfort the boy and light an altar," Bucky said.

"And you must start building a happy place for yourself in here," Rainbow said, holding out their hand. Fireflies came in from the corridors, voices from the past carrying with them memories of love, joy and hope. The fireflies came in their hand and willed themselves into a necklace with a cat-shaped key talisman. Rainbow put it around Anders.

"And you don't need to do it alone," Hawke said softly.

Anders nodded in understanding.

"Anders?" Justice said, blue and Anders-shaped behind them, holding onto the bars. "What… what happened?"

Night time, The Hawke Estate

Hawke and Anders both woke up with a big gasp.

"I'm here, I'm here," Varric said from an armchair, a copy of Crimson & Clover falling off his face. "I didn't doze off."

"It worked," Hawke said, closing her eyes in relief.

"Thank fuck," Anders said, burying his face in his hands.

"Here," Varric said, giving them some water. "What happened in there? I heard 'Horse crop' and 'Ew'. I reached my own conclusion."

Hawke face-palmed. "Nothing, nothing… Anders just has a wild imagination when it comes to Fenris and I."

"What?" Varric said eagerly, laughing.

"What? So you're saying you don't use horse crops?" Anders said with half-lidded eyes.

Hawke hit him over the back of the head. "We don't try to change each other or play out our tragedies in bed, you twat."

"Fair enough…" Anders said, rubbing his head.

"So, uhm… are you a demon?" Varric said, failing to mask the worry on his face.

"I was," Anders said, holding his forehead. "I almost killed a girl…"

"You did," Hawke said, touching his shoulder. "You must take responsibility for that."

"What, you're not gonna turn him in, are you?" Varric said.

"Not this time," Hawke said, looking at Anders. "But if you don't work on yourself and this happens again, I won't be so forgiving. Do you understand?"

"Understood," Anders said, nodding.

"Alright, then. Who wants some coffee cake?" Varric said. "There's… probably some left."

"Me, me!" Hawke said, raising her hand.

"Coming up," Varric said, leaving the room.

Anders pursed his lips. "Hug?"

"Hug," Hawke said, sighing and extending her arm.

"Thank you… for saving me," Anders said. "I didn't think you would."

"No one left behind," Hawke said. She flicked him on the head, then spread her legs and folded her hands between them. "But if you go crazy blood mage again I will fucking kill you."

"Please do," Anders said, chuckling.

Hawke smiled. "Count yourself lucky. Fenris was going to kill you."

Anders scoffed. "He's been waiting for that chance ever since he met me."

Hawke hit him over the back of the head again. "You almost killed Ella and me. Give him a fucking break."

"Fair…" Anders said defeatedly.

"You're banned from all mage and templar-related jobs," Hawke said. "Tell your buddies in the resistance you need to take a break."

"Fine…" Anders said, sighing.

"I need to go to Markham day after tomorrow, but I'll have the others check on you," Hawke said. "Don't go all depressed and anti-social. It's not good for you right now. You have people now. They're not going anywhere. Except on vacation, 'cause I need a fucking break," she said, sighing and looking up at the ceiling.

"Okay," Anders said, chuckling. "Catching a game there?"

"Hope so," Hawke said. "It's so incredibly packed this time of year we barely found a vacant room. We're gonna have to share with Aveline and Donnic." She rubbed her palms slowly and looked at him. "Do you think he farts in bed?"

Anders laughed. "Probably."

"Well…" Hawke said defeatedly. "Maybe we'll get lucky and everyone will fart."

"A whole fart symphony in the night," Anders said, laughing.

Hawke guffawed.

"Your gases will purr like music through the Fade," Anders went on.

Hawke bowed and held her stomach from laughter. "Until they become spirits."

"Sentient fartclouds of doom," Anders said.

"I can't…" Hawke said, holding onto his shoulder and bowing her head.

Anders laughed and petted her hair. "I forgot I'm funny."

"You are," Hawke said, smiling.

But oh, no, his lips were incoming. She didn't even see it when she slapped him.

"Sorry…" Anders said, sighing. "I'm just… sad and vulnerable."

Hawke rubbed her forehead. "You are a pain in my arse, Anders."

"Should I… go…?" Varric said, holding the coffee cake in the doorway.

I tried to keep it as lore-friendly as possible—Crestwood (not confirmed Dedrick's the dad, but that's my guess), the pillow, Wynne, Rolan, etc. Clara was a made-up name. Can't remember what else. I felt like Anders needed a whole chapter, a measured analysis. We're back to Fenris next chapter.

Inspirations from EMDR and IFS therapy, and the video game Medium.