Disclaimer: see last chapter.

A/N: The following chapter brought to you courtesy of Season ten's "Fit for Duty" and my roommate, without whom the scene just wouldn't have come to life. Thanx to DPB for the episode, Utta for the wonderful insights and encouragement and of course to the readers and reviewers! I'll have you know that it was extremely hard not to insert Harm's POV into this, but I resisted the urge – this is Mac's story.

One last thing – please excuse the language.

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I was getting better, damn it! I was! I was professional, I was courteous, downright friendly. My eyes were clear, not a fog in mind's sight and I was so damned close to feeling like my old self again that my skin was tingling! Sadly that's all in past tense.

What is it with shrinks that sends me over the edge? I never liked people who thought they knew me at first glance – people who assume everything and put me in a dark box sought out according to my past. My past is mine and it did influence me and made certain aspects of my personality but it doesn't define me!

I hated Commander McCool at first but she found a way to me. The persistent ones usually do. And I can even admit that she helped me realize a few things. A lot of good that did... I pushed Harm even further away if at all possible.

But it was really getting better and I could perform as his partner and not dig myself a hole to live in. And then they brought the shrink case. Figures. Fate just had to see how I'd react to that one. I'm ashamed just recalling half the things I said. So much for that truce we had going... they're gonna have to invent a new word for utterly and completely disgusting in every way just for me.

I've been standing in my bathroom, bracing myself against the sink and staring at my reflection in the mirror for the past 8 minutes and change. By now I might as well be staring at a complete stranger. When I first walked in, having thrown my briefcase somewhere in the vicinity of the couch and stepping out of my shoes, I went to wash my hands and the mirror caught my eyes. I still had my work face on. Eyes a little shinning, projecting a look that could scare a ghost, and at the same time daring anyone who might look to try and call me on it.

My skin was dry and smooth, my mouth showing remnants of a smile long since forgotten, and most certainly fake.

Little by little it was as if an invisible string that was holding it all together was being pulled by the hand of some spirit. Loop by loop the seams were breaking.

First the smile disappeared completely and gravity took over, claiming the edges of the mouth determinedly down until the word 'sad' could be read across it. Next the eyes were getting shinier, black bags beginning to show under them. Fatigue was in the brows.

Finally the whole mask became a blur as the transparent string came completely free and floated light as a feather, on a journey to the floor. End of story.

With a decisive bang the ceiling came crashing down and I find myself holding onto the porcelain as if it's my last hand hold before I drop to a bottomless pit.

I can see clearly in my mind's eye Harm's face. His expression when I uttered that stupid line. Sure we'd both had to kill before but no one knows better than Harm how those times affected me. No one sees me like him, understand as he does, and yet only to him do I say the most idiotic crap he would never believe. The look he shot me was enough to leave me unsteady for the rest of the day.

I was gently moved from my path to recovery and reacted like an angry bear – scratching and clawing in a classis 'offense is the best defense' strategy. Lash out with sarcasm and verbal barbs and no one will see how much you hurt, how you've broken.

They will truly never know. By now I'm having serious doubts even about my knight in shinning dress whites. He's probably given up on the crazy Marine by now. Chalking it up to another lapse of insanity and leaving me to chew on my own leg till I've calmed down enough to act like a normal human being again.

The stranger in the mirror is showing no sign of any intention to move. She gets blurry every once in a while but she never goes away. I hate this game, once again I'll be the one giving up.

One finger at a time I release my anchor and step away. I peel off the secondary mask of my uniform and step into the shower. The hot current creates a curtain around me and I'm closed in my own little world. I breathe a sigh of relief when my mind finally draws a blank do to the gentle massage on my scalp.

I must've really let the world slip, I was cruelly brought back to it as the current suddenly stopped being hot. It probably got colder over time but it was practically freezing now and what the hell was that noise in the background! Unwillingly brought out of my trans-like state, I angrily get out and wrap a towel around myself. The noise has stopped.. ah hell, I'm out of the shower and pissed off, I'm gonna go find out what happened.

My purposeful march is stopped short in the middle of my bedroom as I come face to face with the source of what I now realize was really loud knocking.

Harm looks as shell shocked as I was when he surprised me last time. Unfortunately for him, I can already feel the wrath building inside me. He should get out. Now. I'm seriously about to blow. I would tell him that but I'm afraid to open my mouth, so I try telepathy.

'Get out. Please, Harm.' I project at him. No go.

"Mac, I'm so sorry. I was knocking and you didn't answer and I knew you were here. I was worried about you... are you okay?"

"Oh, sure, just dandy! I've had a day from hell, everyone thinks I need professional psychological help, I've run out of hot water in the middle of my shower and to top it all off you've just shown up unannounced when I'm standing here shivering in a towel. Oh yeah, I'm great, thanks for caring."

I personally am way past caring. He shouldn't have come. That's okay, he's bound to take the not so subtle hint and walk out, possibly for the last time.

"Mac, you can't go on like this," he's slowly walking towards me, "please let me help you, let me in."

He's kidding me, right? By the look in his eyes, which are now not far from mine, he isn't. I can feel my muscles start to shake with spare energy brought on as pure reflex to my state of mind. He better not touch me.

My brain processes the nerve signals and I realize his hand actually is trailing down my arm. Boom! There goes the fuse. A million thoughts zip through my mind.

/my arm's still wet/He did not just do that/hold me/Fuck off/

"Who in the hell do you think you are!" I don't bother removing his hand, it'll drop of its own violation. "I am not some damsel in distress and you most certainly aren't superman. I'm sorry Mattie's out of your life but you are not my guardian, you have absolutely no right to come barging in here, no matter how noble you think your cause is! I am my own person and if I want to go on like this, I damned well will, no matter what you have to say about it!"

His hand hasn't moved, rather his other hand took a similar position on my other side and he's holding me tight. My breathing is coming in short, quick gasps. Suddenly he's holding me against him and I find myself hoping the water from my shower is covering for the fact that tears are now streaming down my face.

"It's alright, Mac. I've got you, it'll be okay."

Damn it! I will not be reduced to a helpless child! My fists come up to pound his chest and I gain a little space. My entire body is shaking.

"Do not pity me! You're no better! Go back to whichever blond you're with right now and leave me the hell alone! I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP!" I'm yelling at him point-blank.

When I stop to catch my breath and think up another line to sum the emotions fighting to be brought to the surface, I realize he's taken a step back.

My eyes begin to focus again. His are glued to the floor.

"Have it your way. I won't bother you ever again." He says quietly and it scares me more than it would have had he screamed it.

Before another thought crosses my mind, he's gone.

He's gone... he's not coming back... he... Harm...

My knees hurt. I've hit the floor. I've hit rock bottom. Am I drunk? God help me.

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TBC