Disclaimer: I own the third edition of Netter's Atlas of the Human Body. The JAG characters and ideas... not so much.

A/N: I know it's been ages! I'm so sorry! I've no excuses. This chapter is set after "Bridging the Gulf" and before "JAG: San Diego". I'm no psychologist so what I wrote is just a reflection of my thoughts, sorry if it's nonsense... Thanx goes out to the readers and wonderful reviewers, your reviews are out of this world! As per usual, you light up my mailbox :-)

-----

The plate on the door read "Dr. A. Steinberg".

Mac took a deep breath, trying to calm her frying nerve fruitlessly. She hated being nervous. She hated this whole thing. All the way there her hand kept heading to the blinker - just make a U-turn and go back home to a quiet evening with a good book. Annoyingly enough, the small voice in the back of her head kept reminding her she'd promised Harm, then went on to bring the memory to life and cause warmth to spread through her body.

Shaking herself out of the past once again she finally raised her hand to knock. Once she got a short answer, she entered and closed the door behind her.

Dr. Steinberg was sitting behind his desk reading a file, Mac presumed contained the few papers she'd filled out earlier and didn't even raise his head to acknowledge her entrance. The urge to stand at attention was getting stronger by the second. It was all she could do to repeat to herself 'This is a civilian psychiatrist and I am in civvies, he doesn't even know I'm a Marine for god's sake!'

Mac didn't quite know what to do and this guy wasn't helping any. One minute and 20 seconds later she was ready to turn and leave, promise or no promise.

Not having expected it, the Dr.'s voice startled her.

"Miss MacKenzie, I presume?" she gave a quick nod which he returned. "Please, take a seat." Standing up, he gestured to one of his guest seats.

As she moved to sit, she finally found her tongue to thank him.

The Dr. came to sit on the second chair across from her, taking his glasses off in the process. In a way he reminded her of Admiral Chegwidden, if you ignored the extra weight, the mustache and the hair. His demeanor and piercing gaze made her once again fight the urge to put on her Marine face.

"So, Miss MacKenzie. All I know is that you've suffered various traumatic experiences in recent years and feel that it's come to have an undesired affect on your life. I'd like to stress that you can say anything you want. You can lie to me for all I care but I doubt that will do you much good. This is your place to get everything off your heart and maybe even get some good advice." With that he leaned back and waited.

Mac let out a long slow breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. She was intentionally vague in her writing, so as to give herself more options and room to maneuver. Now she wasn't exactly sure what to say. Not comfortable with the silence, she decided to give her tongue freedom and see where it would lead her.

"I'm not quite sure where to start.." conscious effort was made to stop her fingers from repeatedly playing with her ring or the edge of her skirt. Thank god for Marine training.

"I guess the end is appropriate... I'm here because a very close friend of mine, the closest in fact, asked me to."

Risking a glance in the Dr.'s direction she was relieved to find no judgment in his expression, and since he made no remark to her opening line she just went on.

"Harm has been my partner for the last 9 years. We've gone from best friends to almost something more, to mere acquaintances and back again. I can not talk about my life without mentioning him."

Her audience still made no sound, and talking was becoming easier and less hindered. It was strangely freeing, just laying all of the jumbled thoughts out without holding anything back. She went on.

"At some point we made a deal that if in five years neither of us were involved we'd have a baby together, I know it sounds stupid, but somehow it felt right at the time. We've been through a lot together, much more than I could even tell, but every time one of us was ready to take the next step, the other took one backwards. Recently I found that due to a medical condition my odds of carrying a child are very slim, practically nonexistent. Harm was very supportive but I wouldn't let him close. I didn't want him to feel obligated to our deal when I couldn't hold up my part of the bargain. Everything just... just crashed. I've lost control. My life has been a twisted rollercoaster for a while now, and I'm finally coming to admit it's making me dizzy and quite nauseous."

Mac felt as if she was hearing someone else tell her story, as if those thoughts formed in her mind only after she heard them come out of her mouth.

"I blew up at Harm a little while ago and when I finally found the wherewithal to apologize he practically begged me to let someone help me through this time."

The words that at first trickled out, were now flowing at an alarming rate. Mac never thought she could bare her soul like that to a complete stranger. Her eyes were darting to different spots around the room, never really focusing on one thing or another. Occasionally they met with their companions to find a neutral, calm gaze almost willing her on. She went on a bit to describe how she thought Harm had moved on and how she couldn't sleep. And suddenly realized she didn't have much more to say.

"I.. I don't know. I mean, maybe this really is some sign that we're not supposed to be together. If it was meant to happen, wouldn't it have happened already? Wouldn't we be married with 2.5 kids and a dog? I'm so sick and tired of all of it..."

And just like that, the dam closed. She was very grateful that she didn't break into tears this time around. Patiently, head downcast, she waited for the ever silent Dr. to say his piece.

"Well. With a bit more detail your life could make for a very successful movie or TV series."

That got Mac's attention. Her head snapped up and her eyes widened, only to find a twinkle in the Dr.'s eyes and a very sympathetic smile on his lips. Without any assent from her conscious mind her lips formed almost the same expression.

"We don't have much time left but I think it was very important for you to let it all out as you did. I do think we should meet again to discuss some of those traumatic experiences in more detail, maybe release some of their hold on you, but for now I'm going to let you go." Leaning forward with his hands resting on his knees, he yet again reminded her of her former CO. "I'm not going to tell you to go home and think about it, because it's obvious you've done too much of that already. You're very aware of yourself and that's important to your getting back in control as you called it, but too much of a good thing can sometimes be bad. Sometimes you need to take a deep breath and rather than delve into the situation, take a step back and watch things unfold. Lets the big picture come into focus, whatever it may be. How does that sound?"

"Well, I think I needed that too, but I don't really see how this is going to help any."

Dr. Steinberg stood and walked over to the shelves covering one of the room's walls.

"I'm sure there's at least one book here that would agree with you." He turned to her with a smile. "I get a lot of people coming through that door with the firm belief that I get paid for doing absolutely nothing and go out that door damning me. This is not an exact science. You'll find not many things are."

He started pacing a bit and Mac got the funny feeling that someone their roles have been reversed.

"The human mind is a marvelous thing. I don't pretend to understand it, I can only offer you the experience I've accumulated from my time in this profession and promise you that if you want to get better and I mean really want to, your mind will get you out of any mess it's got you into in the first place."

Inexplicably, his words started a little ripple of hope going inside her.

"One last piece of bull before you leave."

Mac raised an eyebrow at the Dr., but he just smiled mischievously and walked to his desk. He pulled out a stack of papers from the distinguished pile and straightened it.

"Before you go to sleep every night try this little trick. Lie down comfortably, preferably on your back. Clear your mind from any and all thoughts, envision a white blanket covering them all. Let your body relax muscle by muscle and feel your blood flowing freely through your veins. Then repeat to yourself a calming sentence you chose beforehand over and over again."

Mac didn't quite know what to make of this and so just sat there, again Marine training saving her from embarrassing herself by letting out some cynic remark.

"If that doesn't work, here, read this latest research on insomnia," he handed her the papers, "it made me fall asleep right here at my desk."

He winked at her and she couldn't help but let out a small laugh. This guy was something else.

"Now, good day to you, Miss MacKenzie, I have other people to entertain."

Mac shook his proffered hand and left. Shaking her head in amazement as she walked to the car, she hoped to god Dr. Steinberg was right.

-----

That night she lay in her bed staring at the ceiling. Mac was tired. She suspected she needed about two weeks worth of sleep to catch up with what she lost, but feared it would elude her as it always did.

Slowly forcing air out, she figured she'd give the Doc's advice a shot.

Her eyes drifted shut and her breath evened. One by one she made a mental list of the body parts that were relaxing. First her toes, then her feet, her calves were a sore spot but eventually they too were at peace. Inch by inch her list climbed higher till she reached her head.

Next a comfortable, warm quilt was spread over her conscious mind. A single sentence was stitched on it multiple times.

'I will get better'

----- (a few days later)

The door opened wide.

"I come in peace." A small smile graced Mac's lips.

Harm's smile was a bit guarded as he opened the door wider still to let her in. Very slowly she walked past him, then stopped and turned back to face him.

Harm closed the door and looked at her expectantly.

"There's something I've been wanting to do for a while now.."

A raised eyebrow and slightly widened eyes was the only response she got. Not what she expected but she took it anyways. Almost timidly she walked to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head on his shoulder.

It took Harm two whole seconds, but then his arms encircled her and drew her closer still, warming her to the bones. She breathed in his scent and raised her head to whisper 'thank you' in his ear.

"For what?" he was whispering as well but she heard the words as they formed as air in his lungs.

"For being the best friend a girl could ever ask for."

Mac pulled back to look in Harm's face. He was rather adorable when he was flustered. Taking his hand in hers she pulled him towards the couch.

"How about some pizza?"

"Huh?"

"Pizza. You know, dough with sauce and cheese and vegetables or meat..."

"I know what pizza is... Mac?"

Mac knew she had a lot of explaining to do but her appetite was making a comeback and she hoped food would also quiet the butterflies in her stomach.

"Yeah, I know. Come on, I'll order and explain everything over the food, okay?" Her fingers were crossed as she pleaded with any higher power that would listen that he'd just go with her. She needed time to regroup, since his eyes had the annoying tendency to throw her off mark lately.

Luckily some higher power or other was paying attention. They ordered their usual half and half and talked shop till the food arrived.

Over dinner Mac told Harm about her first visit to Dr. Steinberg and how she was actually getting more sleep. She proceeded to recount her second visit and how the Doc kept reminding her of the Admiral. She decided not to explain why she was once again keeping some distance between them, thinking it would only hurt him that she needed that space to come to terms with her own mind and heart before handing them to him.

Harm seemed genuinely happy for her as any true friend would be and she basked in his approval and obvious pride in her.

They talked about any topic they stumbled upon, from Chloe's recent adventures in the shopping mall to her upcoming assignment in San Diego. Harm's stifled yawn was Mac's cue to head home, against Harm's repeated arguments as he followed her to the door.

"Thanks, Harm, I had fun tonight."

"I'm glad." His smile was infectious.

With a hand on his chest she leaned up to place the briefest kiss on his lips, then turned and walked away without looking back.

A self-satisfied smile played on Mac's lips, Sarah MacKenzie was shining through the cracks and god help her she was going to break free. She also prayed the same god would help Harm understand as she readied herself for him.

-----

So? What're you guys thinking?