Disclaimer: same as usual.
A/N: U turn coming up! Based on JAG: San Diego and Death at the Mosque, this chapter will undoubtedly have some of you annoyed, but you all know that goes with following the story line of any of the show's seasons. Thanks so much for those who stuck with me throughout the short posts and long in-betweens, you guys are the best! Keep reading and reviewing! I'll strive to be better.
-----
The music reverberated inside her body. To any unsuspecting passerby and even to the more attentive eye she seemed indifferent to the music and dancing going on behind her back. But Sarah MacKenzie was different. She held herself very still but took everything in, the edges of her lips just slightly curved upwards. She was taking teeny tiny baby steps but they felt good.
For one thing, her eyes have seemed to dry out, for which she was eternally grateful. The best thing she'd done in the past couple of years was hold on and back up. It was amazing how the world came into focus when you looked away from it for a second.
Mac felt a presence come close and immediately recognized it. If she pretended really hard, she could put up with this guy. Vukovic spewed some crap in her direction and she smiled sweetly. The attention was definitely flattering, especially since she was safe in the knowledge that young Gregory had absolutely no power over her in any way whatsoever. What harm could a little game bring?
Harm. The thought of him was enough to bring peace to her soul, she had no idea what she'd done right to deserve him. He'd grown up in the years she'd known him, grown attentive and more quiet. The more she thought about it, the more she figured they'd finally reached the point where they both needed and gave in a way that molded them together perfectly.
Now she finally felt good enough about herself to let things take the route nature had in mind. Mac didn't want to take the first step too soon so she settled for letting winds bring them closer. Her fingers were itching to dial his number. The entire conversation was planned out in her mind. Fantasies of what could happen were playing in repeating loops in her dreams.
Still Mac held back. Given that she'd known Harm for some 9 odd years she had an odd feeling of being in the beginning stages of a budding new relationship. She didn't want to scare Harm off with too much attention. She knew it was silly, yet couldn't shake the feeling. Oh well, they had time, they weren't going anywhere.
-----
"Is something wrong?"
When the General had to shake her out of her thoughts for the third time during dinner, Mac knew she had to excuse herself and settle the thoughts and feelings that wouldn't let her sit still.
"Rabb."
"Hey, it's me."
"Mac." He sounded exhausted. Somewhere in the back of her mind an alarm went off.
"What's wrong?" her tone indicated she wouldn't take excuses for an answer.
"Mattie's been in an accident."
"Oh my god." She gasped. "Is she okay?"
His sigh made her heart sink an inch lower in her chest. "We don't know much yet. It's bad but we won't know how bad for a while. This can't be happening..."
"God... Harm, I'm so sorry. Tell me what I can do." She didn't know why she was whispering. She wasn't the one in a hospital.
"There's nothing to do, Mac... Pray for her..."
"I will, Harm. I'll call you the minute I get home."
"Okay, Mac, thanks."
"Anytime. Bye." She was still whispering. Anywhere, anyhow, anyway, anything he ever needed.
"Bye."
Mac hated this kind of phone conversations, the type that required a hug and physical support that left you mumbling cut out quotes into the receiver instead. She wanted, no, needed, to be there for him, but couldn't press harder, felt she had no right. Tomorrow was sadly a day away.
-----
I definitely think 20 calls and 5 different messages over 3 days are considered harassing. I've been harassing Harm. Well, I can't help it! The man will not cooperate! The last two nights were hell on my nerves. Even when I did manage to sleep, it was a troubled sleep, filled with disconcerting dreams and nightmares.
When he didn't answer my 21st call a couple of hours ago I made a snap decision. Now here I am at the hospital parking lot, freezing my ass off and working up the nerve to go in. It takes 5 minutes in the chilly air to convince the little voice at the back of my head that Harm will not kick my out for coming to check on him and I'm in.
As I step into ICU I'm painfully reminded of how much I hate hospitals. Hate is not strong enough a word for what I feel. Funny how hospitals tend to have bad connotations, isn't it? Enough. I need to find Harm.
And there he is. My heart can't help but skip a beat and I have to keep myself from smiling at the sight of him, even if I am just staring at his back. Stealing a glance at Mattie makes my heart stop momentarily but somehow I'm not as shocked as I thought I would be.
"Hey, sorry to come uninvited, but I needed to find out how you were."
He turns to me and I keep my hands crossed tightly in front of me to hold in the urge to hug him.
"Hanging in..."
"How is she?"
"It's too soon to tell... I wanted be here, you know? If-When.. when she, uh, wakes up."
"The General said to take as much time as you need." I take a deep breath and jump right in. I need to know. "Harm, why haven't you returned any of my calls since I got back from San Diego?" His sigh of frustration before I get the question out is not a good sign.
"Cause you were gonna ask me questions I can't answer, Mac, and tell me things I didn't want to hear." He moves to sit down and I follow.
"That's what friends are for." What else can I say?
"Well, this is my problem." He won't even look at me. Christ, why does it always have to be this hard!
"You look exhausted." More like broken to pieces with the weight of the world still crushing.
"Somebody needs to be here with her."
"What about Tom?" I have a bad feeling I know the answer to that question, his look confirms it. "How long?"
"Haven't seen him for three days... I keep hoping he would sober up and come back."
I know he doesn't want to hear this but I stand by what I said earlier, he has to think with his head too. If he won't, I will. "Well, that may never happen. Have you notified Social Services?"
"I wanted to be sure first."
"Harm, you're an officer of the court, this isn't a judgment call. You have no option!"
I almost break down at the pain etched into his features. "They'll take her away from him, Mac, make her a ward of the state."
Taking another look at Mattie, hooked up to god knows how many tubes, I keep at it. "Not if you partition for custody again."
Harm's not convinced. "She needs more than a revolving door"
And I'm out of arguments, I just really want to hold him. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Can you perform miracles?" For you? I'm willing to learn magic.
"Why don't you go get some rest?" I finally allow some contact as I trail my hand comfortingly over his arm and to his back, "Let me be with her for a while, okay?"
I am seriously about to cry as he starts shaking his head and covering his face with his hand.
"Don't. don't, Mac."
My hand feels like it's burning as I carefully remove it from his form. He's closing off tighter than he ever had before and there's absolutely nothing I can do besides hold my tears inside until I'm out of earshot.
"Let me know when you need me." I manage to get out. I keep looking at him, expecting him to at the very least spare me a glance, something. Come on, Harm! Don't be as stupid as I was! Let me in! He simply nods, now covering his mouth. I get the message, Flyboy, loud and clear. Shutting up and going away, right now.
My steps sound hollow in my head as I walk away. I steal one last glance at him before I'm out of sight and he's still sitting in the exact same position. Oh, Harm.
The tears come in the elevator. I'm not crying, I've just lost control over the tear generator. I keep my eyes fixed at some point in the distance the whole way to the car, god only knows how I managed not to run into something or somebody.
And here I stand once again in the cold air outside my car. The tears have stopped but I can't bring myself to get in the car and drive away. How pathetic am I? Harm made it quite clear he didn't want me to even be there, and I'm actually thinking about going back in? I am. I'm going back in there. I can physically feel the resolve fill me. Hell, I'm a Marine! Since when do I wait for permission! I'm going back in there and I will help, regardless of what the Navy says.
I'm as aware as I would be in a combat zone when I step off the elevator and into the ICU for the second time tonight. I can't see Harm so I inch slowly to get a better look around the floor.
Harm's at Mattie's bedside, so I head for the nurses' station on the other side, making sure I'm not in Harm's line of sight. There's an old nurse manning the station, busily arranging patient files and doctor's orders, while monitoring various screens bearing signs of life.
"Hi, excuse me." I half whisper.
The nurse immediately snaps her head in my direction, startled out of her concentration.
"I'm sorry, I didn't see you standing there, dear, what can I help you with?" All I can think is 'thank god she's one of those nice nurses'.
"Has he been here all along?" I nod my head towards Mattie's room and an understanding sympathetic smile shows.
"He's gone down to his car once and to the men's room a few times. We've had to force feed him a few times."
The tears are threatening once again. Damn that stubborn squid.
"He won't let me help him." I have no idea why I'm confiding in a total stranger, but she doesn't seem to mind.
"Yeah, he's a stubborn one isn't he? My John's like that too, acts like the weight of the world is only his to bear. Foolish old man that he is." She gets this faraway look in her eyes and I have a picture of Harm and me as an old married couple in my mind's eye. "The trick is to help, yet have them believe they're doing it all on their own." I look at her and mirror the knowing smile. The nurse, who I've now noticed, is named Lea, moves to get a look into Mattie's room. She makes a show of tiptoeing in my direction and placing a finger over her lips to indicate Harm's out cold and I take the cue with a thankful smile.
I move quietly into the room though I'm pretty sure nothing short of Mattie moving would wake up the sleeping flyboy by the teenager's bed. There are a couple of blankets on a seat in the corner. I use one of them to cover Harm and place the other behind his back so he'd be more comfortable if he leans back in his sleep. I find his sea bag tucked under the bed and rummage through it. He's got a few clean items left, the dirty ones I take out and try to hide them not being there by putting a blanket in their place.
I run down to my car to throw them in the back seat. Going through my own sea bag I grab a couple of his shirts and a pair of boxer shorts I've long since given up on giving back and some baby-wipes and head back up. On the way I hit the machines, getting two bottles of water and some granola bars.
Stepping out of the elevator I look for Lea, and relax a bit when I find her and get a reassuring nod that the coast is still clear. I place the food on the bedside table and the clothes in his bag as if he put them there. He'd be too tired to question this, I know. If this is the only way I can help I'll deal with being a shadow. I'll wash his clothes, bring him food and check up on him. He would've, as he's proven time and time again, done the same thing.
I draw up a chair to Mattie's other side and gently caress her hand, watching the IV.
"You have to wake up and get better, Mattie. He needs you just as much as you need him, maybe even more. He'll be there for you no matter what happens, you know? Even when the world seems to drop from under you, he'll always be there to catch you and put you on your feet again without your asking for it. So you see, you have to wake up kiddo, or the world will lose its Superman. I promise to take care of him until you're capable of taking the considerable load again, but one can only deal with a sleep deprived Harmon Rabb Jr. for so long, so you need to promise me you'll do your best, okay Mattie?"
I'm not really sure I believe people in comas hear what's going on around them but if there's even the slightest chance she can, I have to convince her to get back. I need her to come back to him so he can come back to me. I sit and shift my gaze from one sleeping form to another for a while, letting my thoughts float aimlessly. Finally I let out a sigh, I've got things to do. Leaning up I place a soft kiss on Mattie's forehead.
"Remember, you have to get better soon and come back to us, Mattie. I know you're a fighter. I'm counting on you, girl."
On my way out I stop to thank Lea again.
"Thank you, Lea. Here's my number, could you call me if there's any change? You can also call if mister tough guy in there becomes too much to handle."
Lea chuckles and takes the paper from me, nodding. "No problem, dear, I'll fill the other nurses in on the situation."
"He'll probably be too tired to notice, but if he asks..."
Lea puts up a hand to stop me, then mimics locking her mouth and throwing away the key, adding a wink for good measure. I smile gratefully and she goes on about her considerable business.
With new purpose I head out, this time not wasting a second before getting into my car and driving away. Mattie will pull through. She simply has to. And so will Harm, I'll make sure of that.
-----
TBC